Renfield's gone surfin'
surfin' U.S.A...
-The Vampire Beach Boys, 2009.
The psychopathic shapeshifter Renfield R. Renfield (who could shapeshift from human to hamster and back again) was in New York City this day November 20th, 2009.
His boss the multimillionaire (and formerly billionaire) ancient Egyptian vampire Set was in NYC this evening attending nighttime meetings with big-time bankers hoping to get a billion dollar loan.
Renfield showed up in the hotel suite dressed in the uniform of a New York City policeman.
Amadeus Emanon (another employee of Set) was on the sofa reading a Superman comic book..
"Why are you dressed like a cop?" Amadeus asked, "last week you dressed like a war veteran and now you're dressing like a cop?".
"Yes," Renfield grinned, "I was inspired by a recent news story in the American media. So I decided to dress as a cop and go down to Central Park and taser small children in the park while they played. It was great fun."
"My God," Amadeus looked shocked.
"I wish you wouldn't indulge in medieval nonsense by making references to God," Renfield snarled, "it hurts my posthumanist transhumanist sensibilities."
Then Renfield smiled again.
"I understand we're going to Los Angeles on Monday because the boss is hoping to get money out of a big-time Hollywood producer," the shapeshifter smirked, "so come this Monday, I'll dress up as a City of Los Angeles policeman and go down to the UCLA campus and spray mace in the faces of various members of the student body there."
Renfield whistled to himself the tune Whistle While You Work from the classic Disney film Snow White and The Seven Dwarves as he removed the taser from his belt.
To be continued.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Saint Wenceslas Square, Prague
The name on the passport said Christopher Dracul Nicholas Alexander Constantine Van Helsing.
"It must take you a while to write your name on documents if writing your full name is required," the Czech customs agent at Prague International Airport smiled at the Canadian vampire hunter.
Dracul nodded and smiled, "Yes, I often get writer's cramp just writing my full name."
As Dracul left the Customs area, he thought of how Czech customs agents seemed to be a lot more pleasant than Canadian customs agents and border guards.
Most of them acted as if they'd been suffering from constipation for the past 6 years.
One female Canadian border guard he and his father had encountered once on the Alberta-Montana Canada-US border had obviously suffered from the worst case of PMS in all recorded history (which was quite a major accomplishment for someone who was obviously such an ugly looking post-menopausal hag).
Dracul was to meet his associate the South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan in Saint Wenceslas Square.
Tonight was the 20th anniversary of the Velvet Revolution which took place in Wenceslas Square back in 1989 and which saw the Communist government of Czechoslovakia toppled without bloodshed and replaced by a non-Communist government headed by Czech playwright Vaclav Havel who became the country's new President.
The Czech Republic's current President Vaclav Klaus had asked Hyung and Dracul to be in the Square to prevent any possible trouble from supernatural creatures to disrupt the celebrations.
At last week's 20th Anniversary celebrations of the Fall of the Berlin Wall, Stalin's zombie corpse had shown up as an uninvited guest at a commemorative Berlin banquet.
And vampire Lev Tomi the Secretary of the UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change (who in his mortal life had been Leon Trotsky prior to being turned into a vampire in Mexico City in 1940 by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec as he lay dying from an ice pick's blow to the head) might drop in just to annoy Czech President Vaclav Klaus since Klaus had once said, "Global warming is a myth and I think that every serious person and scientist says so."
Klaus was a vigorous opponent of the Copenhagen Treaty and had been a vigorous opponent of the Lisbon Treaty on closer EU integration refusing to sign it until Germany and France had threatened to put the screws on his country until he did so.
And of course if both Stalin the zombie and Trotsky the vampire showed up in Wenceslas Square, there was no telling what damage might be done if an Undead version of WWE Wrestling were to take place.
Fortunately for the state of tranquility in Wenceslas Square, Stalin the zombie was currently on an enthusiastic tour of Amsterdam's red light district saying, "Being a Red, I like anything red."
As for Lev Tomi (the vampire formerly known as the mortal Leon Trotsky), he was currently overdosing on egg rolls and chicken friend rice in Beijing in a desperate attempt to get China's government to sign on to the Copenhagen Treaty.
So Dracul and Hyung just enjoyed the night and the celebrations.
"You look beautiful in that red dress," Dracul said to Hyung.
"Thanks," Hyung smiled.
And so passed the 20th Anniversary celebrations of the Velvet Revolution in Wenceslas Square.
And so on this November 17th, the Feast Day of Saint Elizabeth of Hungary, a moment of joy and celebration in the history of Central and Eastern Europe.
To be continued.
"It must take you a while to write your name on documents if writing your full name is required," the Czech customs agent at Prague International Airport smiled at the Canadian vampire hunter.
Dracul nodded and smiled, "Yes, I often get writer's cramp just writing my full name."
As Dracul left the Customs area, he thought of how Czech customs agents seemed to be a lot more pleasant than Canadian customs agents and border guards.
Most of them acted as if they'd been suffering from constipation for the past 6 years.
One female Canadian border guard he and his father had encountered once on the Alberta-Montana Canada-US border had obviously suffered from the worst case of PMS in all recorded history (which was quite a major accomplishment for someone who was obviously such an ugly looking post-menopausal hag).
Dracul was to meet his associate the South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan in Saint Wenceslas Square.
Tonight was the 20th anniversary of the Velvet Revolution which took place in Wenceslas Square back in 1989 and which saw the Communist government of Czechoslovakia toppled without bloodshed and replaced by a non-Communist government headed by Czech playwright Vaclav Havel who became the country's new President.
The Czech Republic's current President Vaclav Klaus had asked Hyung and Dracul to be in the Square to prevent any possible trouble from supernatural creatures to disrupt the celebrations.
At last week's 20th Anniversary celebrations of the Fall of the Berlin Wall, Stalin's zombie corpse had shown up as an uninvited guest at a commemorative Berlin banquet.
And vampire Lev Tomi the Secretary of the UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change (who in his mortal life had been Leon Trotsky prior to being turned into a vampire in Mexico City in 1940 by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec as he lay dying from an ice pick's blow to the head) might drop in just to annoy Czech President Vaclav Klaus since Klaus had once said, "Global warming is a myth and I think that every serious person and scientist says so."
Klaus was a vigorous opponent of the Copenhagen Treaty and had been a vigorous opponent of the Lisbon Treaty on closer EU integration refusing to sign it until Germany and France had threatened to put the screws on his country until he did so.
And of course if both Stalin the zombie and Trotsky the vampire showed up in Wenceslas Square, there was no telling what damage might be done if an Undead version of WWE Wrestling were to take place.
Fortunately for the state of tranquility in Wenceslas Square, Stalin the zombie was currently on an enthusiastic tour of Amsterdam's red light district saying, "Being a Red, I like anything red."
As for Lev Tomi (the vampire formerly known as the mortal Leon Trotsky), he was currently overdosing on egg rolls and chicken friend rice in Beijing in a desperate attempt to get China's government to sign on to the Copenhagen Treaty.
So Dracul and Hyung just enjoyed the night and the celebrations.
"You look beautiful in that red dress," Dracul said to Hyung.
"Thanks," Hyung smiled.
And so passed the 20th Anniversary celebrations of the Velvet Revolution in Wenceslas Square.
And so on this November 17th, the Feast Day of Saint Elizabeth of Hungary, a moment of joy and celebration in the history of Central and Eastern Europe.
To be continued.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Amadeus' Practical Joke
For the past 2 days, Renfield R. Renfield had continuously and nauseatingly guffawed about the fact he had pulled a tremendous practical joke on the day of the 20th Anniversary celebrations of the Fall of the Berlin Wall by bringing Soviet dictator Josef Stalin back from the dead and letting him lose at the 20th Anniversary celebration dinner in Berlin.
Amadeus Emanon was getting positively sick of it.
This morning, Amandeus noticed Renfield was dressed in a British Army uniform and wearing a whole bunch of medals for bravery.
"What's that?" Amadeus asked.
"These are the clothes I'm wearing for walking in today's Armistice Day Veterans Parade in London," Renfield grinned.
"But you've never served in any war in your entire life," Amadeus protested.
"Since when has not doing something ever stopped me from doing something else?" Renfield smiled, "oh by the way, can you do me a favour and phone information and ask them in which part of London the parade route starts?".
Renfield went to brush his teeth while Amadeus picked up the phone.
"I'm calling about the parade," Amadeus said, "which parade? well..."
Amadeus chatted on the phone with the Information operator for a while and then put the phone down while having a huge smile on his face.
"Did you find out what street the parade route is starting so I can be there dressed in all my full glory?" Renfield asked.
"Oh, yes, I did," Amadeus smiled an even wider smile.
* * *
Evening, London, November 11th, 2009.
Renfield R. Renfield, Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont the famous vampiress singer from New Orleans are sitting in a karaoke bar in central London.
Amadeus and Angelique are smiling and laughing and having fun while Renfield sits there looking like he's in a state of shock.
"I'm sure," Angelique spoke to Renfield, "that Amadeus didn't intentionally direct you to the start of that Gay Pride Coming Out Parade. How was Amadeus to know that there was more than one parade going on in London today?".
Renfield snorted but said nothing.
"Anyhow," Angelique smiled and threw back her hair over the back of her evening dress, "it's your turn to go up to the microphone. I've told the m.c. that you're going to sing for everyone that old Beatles song Yesterday."
In zombie-like fashion, Renfield strolled up to the microphone.
He began singing (apparently his own version of the Beatles song Yesterday):
Yesterday,
all the sodomites seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Amadeus from his table in the audience broke into the second stanza,
Suddenly,
You're not half the man you used to be...
To be continued.
Amadeus Emanon was getting positively sick of it.
This morning, Amandeus noticed Renfield was dressed in a British Army uniform and wearing a whole bunch of medals for bravery.
"What's that?" Amadeus asked.
"These are the clothes I'm wearing for walking in today's Armistice Day Veterans Parade in London," Renfield grinned.
"But you've never served in any war in your entire life," Amadeus protested.
"Since when has not doing something ever stopped me from doing something else?" Renfield smiled, "oh by the way, can you do me a favour and phone information and ask them in which part of London the parade route starts?".
Renfield went to brush his teeth while Amadeus picked up the phone.
"I'm calling about the parade," Amadeus said, "which parade? well..."
Amadeus chatted on the phone with the Information operator for a while and then put the phone down while having a huge smile on his face.
"Did you find out what street the parade route is starting so I can be there dressed in all my full glory?" Renfield asked.
"Oh, yes, I did," Amadeus smiled an even wider smile.
* * *
Evening, London, November 11th, 2009.
Renfield R. Renfield, Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont the famous vampiress singer from New Orleans are sitting in a karaoke bar in central London.
Amadeus and Angelique are smiling and laughing and having fun while Renfield sits there looking like he's in a state of shock.
"I'm sure," Angelique spoke to Renfield, "that Amadeus didn't intentionally direct you to the start of that Gay Pride Coming Out Parade. How was Amadeus to know that there was more than one parade going on in London today?".
Renfield snorted but said nothing.
"Anyhow," Angelique smiled and threw back her hair over the back of her evening dress, "it's your turn to go up to the microphone. I've told the m.c. that you're going to sing for everyone that old Beatles song Yesterday."
In zombie-like fashion, Renfield strolled up to the microphone.
He began singing (apparently his own version of the Beatles song Yesterday):
Yesterday,
all the sodomites seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Amadeus from his table in the audience broke into the second stanza,
Suddenly,
You're not half the man you used to be...
To be continued.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Stalin's Zombie and The Berlin Wall
Amadeus Emanon addressed Renfield R. Renfield, "I heard you won a million dollars U.S. this past weekend on one of the televised poker games which passes for sports on some of the TV sports channels these days?".
"That's right, I did," Renfield R. Renfield smiled which was something the psychopathic shapeshifting hamster/human rarely did.
"Are you planning to use the money to help out around here financially?" Amadeus asked.
"Of course not," Renfield replied, "I did it to answer one of your taunts. You're always telling me that I lack a sense of humour. So I decided to do a good practical joke. But in order to do it, I needed a million dollars. So I figured winning at a poker match, I'd be able to come up with a cool million."
"i didn't know you were a good poker player," Amadeus looked quizzical.
"I'm not," Renfield replied, "but I am a good cheater."
"So why did you need a million dollars to go forth with a practical joke?" Amadeus still didn't understand.
"That's the fee South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo charges to raise somebody from the dead," Renfield grinned, "Seeing as how today is the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, I thought it would be neat to have Josef Stalin's corpse raised from the dead with Stalin's ghost possessing the body and fly the said corpse to Berlin for tonight's 20th anniversary dinner celebrations."
* * *
Germany's most famous Elvis impersonator O. Vider Zing was the master of ceremonies at the 20th anniversary dinner in Berlin.
Dressed in his best diamond studded white Elvis suit and looking the spitting image of the overweight Elvis (all those heavy German sausages and buckets of sour kraut helped contribute to the look), O. Vider Zing said to the crowd, "Why thank you. Thank you very much."
With his Heartbreak Hotel rendition and his heartburn behind him, O. Vider Zing proceeded to introduce the most important guests at the main table.
"Ladies and gentlemen, here are the 3 people most responsible for the dismantling of the Berlin Wall," O. Vider Zing pointed, "first we have former U.S. President George Bush Sr..."
President Bush stood up to take a bow and was greeted with boos and cries of "Why didn't you and your wife practise birth control?".
"... next we have former West German Chancellor Helmut Kohl who was to become the first Chancellor of a post-WWII united Germany..."
Chancellor Kohl stood up to take a bow and was greeted with cheers and cries of "You look so much prettier and more feminine looking than current Chancellor Angela Merkel..."
"And finally, we have the man who brought us glasnost and perestroika and the dismantling of the Berlin Wall," O. Vider Zing pointed, "former Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev."
President Gorbachev stood up to take a bow and was greeted with cheers and cries of "Those were the days when people actually did something first before winning the Nobel Peace Prize..."
As President Gorbachev went up to speak at the microphone, he was rudely pushed aside by the corpse of former Soviet dictator Josef Stalin who acted with all the rudeness of a Kanye West at a Music Video Awards evening.
"I created the best political/economic system ever," Stalin screamed, "and look what you did to it? Now I know the Berlin Wall was erected after I kicked the bucket but Leonid Brezhnev told me all about it when he arrived in Hell. I must protest this celebration. I must protest this evening..."
O. Vider Zing was wondering what he could do to save the evening when his luscious blonde leather mini skirted dominatrix girlfriend Helga suggested that he show Stalin a copy of the power accorded to the unelected Brussels bureaucrats under the terms of the new Lisbon Treaty to take effect this coming December 1st.
As soon as Stalin looked at the terms of the treaty, he said, "What the fuck?..."
"That's WTF in this century," Helga shouted at him, "Just because you've been dead for the last 56 years is no excuse for not keeping up with the times."
"WTF," Stalin obeyed the blonde leather mini skirted dominatrix, "Marxism has triumphed after all. But despite that.. I'm still sad. That bastard Leon Trotsky was right. He said we needed a United States of Europe first before Communism could triumph in Europe. And then he said a United States of Europe would lead to a United States of The World where Communism would triumph everywhere. Today, the United States of Europe.. tomorrow? or when? the United States of the World?..."
"Wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen," O. Vider Zing started to sing the song from that old 1950s Danny Kaye movie Hans Christian Andersen while Al Gore looked at his copy of the coming treaty on Climate Change...
To be continued.
"That's right, I did," Renfield R. Renfield smiled which was something the psychopathic shapeshifting hamster/human rarely did.
"Are you planning to use the money to help out around here financially?" Amadeus asked.
"Of course not," Renfield replied, "I did it to answer one of your taunts. You're always telling me that I lack a sense of humour. So I decided to do a good practical joke. But in order to do it, I needed a million dollars. So I figured winning at a poker match, I'd be able to come up with a cool million."
"i didn't know you were a good poker player," Amadeus looked quizzical.
"I'm not," Renfield replied, "but I am a good cheater."
"So why did you need a million dollars to go forth with a practical joke?" Amadeus still didn't understand.
"That's the fee South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo charges to raise somebody from the dead," Renfield grinned, "Seeing as how today is the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, I thought it would be neat to have Josef Stalin's corpse raised from the dead with Stalin's ghost possessing the body and fly the said corpse to Berlin for tonight's 20th anniversary dinner celebrations."
* * *
Germany's most famous Elvis impersonator O. Vider Zing was the master of ceremonies at the 20th anniversary dinner in Berlin.
Dressed in his best diamond studded white Elvis suit and looking the spitting image of the overweight Elvis (all those heavy German sausages and buckets of sour kraut helped contribute to the look), O. Vider Zing said to the crowd, "Why thank you. Thank you very much."
With his Heartbreak Hotel rendition and his heartburn behind him, O. Vider Zing proceeded to introduce the most important guests at the main table.
"Ladies and gentlemen, here are the 3 people most responsible for the dismantling of the Berlin Wall," O. Vider Zing pointed, "first we have former U.S. President George Bush Sr..."
President Bush stood up to take a bow and was greeted with boos and cries of "Why didn't you and your wife practise birth control?".
"... next we have former West German Chancellor Helmut Kohl who was to become the first Chancellor of a post-WWII united Germany..."
Chancellor Kohl stood up to take a bow and was greeted with cheers and cries of "You look so much prettier and more feminine looking than current Chancellor Angela Merkel..."
"And finally, we have the man who brought us glasnost and perestroika and the dismantling of the Berlin Wall," O. Vider Zing pointed, "former Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev."
President Gorbachev stood up to take a bow and was greeted with cheers and cries of "Those were the days when people actually did something first before winning the Nobel Peace Prize..."
As President Gorbachev went up to speak at the microphone, he was rudely pushed aside by the corpse of former Soviet dictator Josef Stalin who acted with all the rudeness of a Kanye West at a Music Video Awards evening.
"I created the best political/economic system ever," Stalin screamed, "and look what you did to it? Now I know the Berlin Wall was erected after I kicked the bucket but Leonid Brezhnev told me all about it when he arrived in Hell. I must protest this celebration. I must protest this evening..."
O. Vider Zing was wondering what he could do to save the evening when his luscious blonde leather mini skirted dominatrix girlfriend Helga suggested that he show Stalin a copy of the power accorded to the unelected Brussels bureaucrats under the terms of the new Lisbon Treaty to take effect this coming December 1st.
As soon as Stalin looked at the terms of the treaty, he said, "What the fuck?..."
"That's WTF in this century," Helga shouted at him, "Just because you've been dead for the last 56 years is no excuse for not keeping up with the times."
"WTF," Stalin obeyed the blonde leather mini skirted dominatrix, "Marxism has triumphed after all. But despite that.. I'm still sad. That bastard Leon Trotsky was right. He said we needed a United States of Europe first before Communism could triumph in Europe. And then he said a United States of Europe would lead to a United States of The World where Communism would triumph everywhere. Today, the United States of Europe.. tomorrow? or when? the United States of the World?..."
"Wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen," O. Vider Zing started to sing the song from that old 1950s Danny Kaye movie Hans Christian Andersen while Al Gore looked at his copy of the coming treaty on Climate Change...
To be continued.
Monday, November 2, 2009
The Ashes of Doctor Faust
United States President Barack Obama had an interesting situation under his radar for almost the past month.
A situation that had not been revealed to the general public.
Last month on the Moonlight Bunny Ranch in Nevada, an over 500 year old man had been set on fire and burnt to a crisp in one of the rooms.
The man was none other than Doctor Johann Georg Faust the famous Renaissance alchemist who was reputed to have sold his soul to the Devil.
The ashes of Doctor Faust had at first been delivered to a Las Vegas City police lab so the Las Vegas County coroner could indeed determine that Doctor Faust was in fact dead.
After the Las Vegas County coroner made the brilliant deduction that Doctor Faust was in fact dead (his body having been reduced to total ashes), the ashes were then taken to the FBI Crime Lab in Virginia to await further analysis.
Various scientists throughout the world who were into immortality research were demanding to study the ashes and their DNA composition to determine how a person could live so long.
The Chinese government in Beijing were demanding the ashes as payment for helping to keep the U.S. dollar afloat.
The Russians were demanding the ashes because Vladimir Putin thought the urn containing the ashes would look nice on the neo-Byzantine style coffee table in his office.
And some eccentric agent at Interpol by the name of Peter Whitstable was wanting the ashes to examine them for possible supernatural influences.
President Obama was unsure what to do about the ashes.
Just as he as unsure about the direction Health Care reform would take.
Just as he was unsure whether today he'd be labelled a Nazi fascist or a Marxist Communist by the same gang of vociferous critics who kept changing the political labels for him every other day.
The phone rang on his Oval Office desk.
"I hope that's not Michelle asking me to take out the garbage again," the President nervously reached for the phone.
He breathed a sigh of relief.
It was one of his national security advisors phoning about a national security emergency.
"The ashes of Doctor Faust have been stolen from the Arlington, Virginia FBI Crime Lab," his advisor informed him.
"How did that happen?" the President asked.
"Believe it or not, sir, a rat broke into the lab and stole it," his advisor replied.
"How did the CEO of a Health Management Organization manage to get into the Arlington crime lab?" Obama asked.
"No, sir, this was a real rat," his advisor explained, "at least a rodent of some sort. Possibly a mouse, maybe gerbil or even hamster."
"Hamster?" the President sounded incredulous.
* * *
Meanwhile in London, England at the colossal home of the multi-millionaire (and formerly billionaire) ancient Egyptian vampire Set, Renfield R. Renfield the shapeshifting hamster/human who was Chief of Security and Espionage for Set Enterprises gazed at the urn on the vampire's mantelpiece.
"The lab at Set Enterprises shall examine these ashes and see what profitable use can be made of them," Renfield smiled, "Perhaps this will be what my boss needs to make him a billionaire again. And we'll be back to the way things were before last autumn's global economic meltdown."
To be continued.
A situation that had not been revealed to the general public.
Last month on the Moonlight Bunny Ranch in Nevada, an over 500 year old man had been set on fire and burnt to a crisp in one of the rooms.
The man was none other than Doctor Johann Georg Faust the famous Renaissance alchemist who was reputed to have sold his soul to the Devil.
The ashes of Doctor Faust had at first been delivered to a Las Vegas City police lab so the Las Vegas County coroner could indeed determine that Doctor Faust was in fact dead.
After the Las Vegas County coroner made the brilliant deduction that Doctor Faust was in fact dead (his body having been reduced to total ashes), the ashes were then taken to the FBI Crime Lab in Virginia to await further analysis.
Various scientists throughout the world who were into immortality research were demanding to study the ashes and their DNA composition to determine how a person could live so long.
The Chinese government in Beijing were demanding the ashes as payment for helping to keep the U.S. dollar afloat.
The Russians were demanding the ashes because Vladimir Putin thought the urn containing the ashes would look nice on the neo-Byzantine style coffee table in his office.
And some eccentric agent at Interpol by the name of Peter Whitstable was wanting the ashes to examine them for possible supernatural influences.
President Obama was unsure what to do about the ashes.
Just as he as unsure about the direction Health Care reform would take.
Just as he was unsure whether today he'd be labelled a Nazi fascist or a Marxist Communist by the same gang of vociferous critics who kept changing the political labels for him every other day.
The phone rang on his Oval Office desk.
"I hope that's not Michelle asking me to take out the garbage again," the President nervously reached for the phone.
He breathed a sigh of relief.
It was one of his national security advisors phoning about a national security emergency.
"The ashes of Doctor Faust have been stolen from the Arlington, Virginia FBI Crime Lab," his advisor informed him.
"How did that happen?" the President asked.
"Believe it or not, sir, a rat broke into the lab and stole it," his advisor replied.
"How did the CEO of a Health Management Organization manage to get into the Arlington crime lab?" Obama asked.
"No, sir, this was a real rat," his advisor explained, "at least a rodent of some sort. Possibly a mouse, maybe gerbil or even hamster."
"Hamster?" the President sounded incredulous.
* * *
Meanwhile in London, England at the colossal home of the multi-millionaire (and formerly billionaire) ancient Egyptian vampire Set, Renfield R. Renfield the shapeshifting hamster/human who was Chief of Security and Espionage for Set Enterprises gazed at the urn on the vampire's mantelpiece.
"The lab at Set Enterprises shall examine these ashes and see what profitable use can be made of them," Renfield smiled, "Perhaps this will be what my boss needs to make him a billionaire again. And we'll be back to the way things were before last autumn's global economic meltdown."
To be continued.
Friday, October 30, 2009
The Headless Horseman
'Twas the night before Halloween
and ghosts were yet unseen
as Sir Belvedere rode upon the moor
returning from a recent war
covered in blood and gore
no Nobel Peace Prize for him
just more weightlifts down at the gym
but first he'll stop at the inn.
"Some pumpkin soup!" he said with glee
as he ate some jam from the jamboree.
I'm afraid the king gets the soup
and you are but a dupe
said the barmaid with nice knockers
amid the chat of patron talkers.
Oh merde! oh merde!
said the French chef
whose hair was parted down the clef
no pumpkins left in the kitchen
and the king's stomach is a-twitchin'.
Sir Belvedere my lovely dear!
The barmaid raised her skirts,
I hope you're not queer
but you'll get a better look
if you huff it down to the brook
and a mighty pumpkin you do took
and bring it back here.
Sir Belvedere leapt upon his horse,
I'll be back before the main course
and galloped on down to the brook
and a mighty pumpkin he did took
and brought it back to the cook.
But as he handed it to Alphonse
he slipped on some twisted prawns
and with a prance in his pants
the pumpkin smashed like a crash dance.
You fool! Said Alphonse, I'm ruined
I'll end up a dry pruned
my head upon the king's castle gate
such will be my dreadful fate.
Why lose your head, Alphonse dear?
The barmaid smiled
a look so wild
she flashed her beaver
and raised the cleaver
and cut off the head of Sir Belvedere.
The knight's head was served in the king's pumpkin soup
head of a knight- such a dupe!
and as the chickens leave the coop
they chirp and slirp
at the pumpkin remains
while a new Headless Horseman
grabs the horse's reins.
-The Headless Horseman
a Halloween poem
written by Dracul Van Helsing
Friday October 30th, 2009
and ghosts were yet unseen
as Sir Belvedere rode upon the moor
returning from a recent war
covered in blood and gore
no Nobel Peace Prize for him
just more weightlifts down at the gym
but first he'll stop at the inn.
"Some pumpkin soup!" he said with glee
as he ate some jam from the jamboree.
I'm afraid the king gets the soup
and you are but a dupe
said the barmaid with nice knockers
amid the chat of patron talkers.
Oh merde! oh merde!
said the French chef
whose hair was parted down the clef
no pumpkins left in the kitchen
and the king's stomach is a-twitchin'.
Sir Belvedere my lovely dear!
The barmaid raised her skirts,
I hope you're not queer
but you'll get a better look
if you huff it down to the brook
and a mighty pumpkin you do took
and bring it back here.
Sir Belvedere leapt upon his horse,
I'll be back before the main course
and galloped on down to the brook
and a mighty pumpkin he did took
and brought it back to the cook.
But as he handed it to Alphonse
he slipped on some twisted prawns
and with a prance in his pants
the pumpkin smashed like a crash dance.
You fool! Said Alphonse, I'm ruined
I'll end up a dry pruned
my head upon the king's castle gate
such will be my dreadful fate.
Why lose your head, Alphonse dear?
The barmaid smiled
a look so wild
she flashed her beaver
and raised the cleaver
and cut off the head of Sir Belvedere.
The knight's head was served in the king's pumpkin soup
head of a knight- such a dupe!
and as the chickens leave the coop
they chirp and slirp
at the pumpkin remains
while a new Headless Horseman
grabs the horse's reins.
-The Headless Horseman
a Halloween poem
written by Dracul Van Helsing
Friday October 30th, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The Man In The Darth Vader Mask
She was the receptionist at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch in Nevada.
This was the ranch where the "virgin" called "Nat" had auctioned off her "virginity" on-line.
And tonight the lucky winner (or the damned fool sucker! -depending on your perspective!) of the on-line auction would claim his virgin.
All Gina knew about the buyer of Nat's virginity was that he wore a Darth Vader mask when checking into the ranch.
Was he a famous person Gina wondered?
Maybe he was David Letterman of "I did have sex with some of my female workers" fame.
Gina suddenly blinked.
Was she right after all?
For there standing in front of her was late night talk show host David Letterman.
"Hi, I'm David Letterman," the celebrity grinned, "I've got permission from ranch management to film the "virgin" called Nat being deflowered."
At that moment, Kanye West walked by.
"Yo, Dave," Kanye West grinned, "you're a couple of years late and several million dollars short. Beyonce had one of the best sex videos ever."
West left the ranch and directed his chauffeur to drive him to the nearest Sexually Transmitted Diseases Clinic in Las Vegas.
"That man's a jackass," Letterman shook his head.
"Glad to see you're patriotic," a well-known U.S. Democratic senator walked by with a jacket over his head, "Nice to see people quoting our beloved President."
"I'm opposed to ObamaCare," remarked a well-known Republican congressman who walked by wearing a paper bag over his head.
"So it seems this Moonlight Bunny Ranch is bi-partisan in its clientele," Letterman smiled.
"A prick's a prick be he Democrat or Republican," the ranch's owner and Madame spoke up.
Gina spoke into the intercom, "Man in the Darth Vader mask, your virgin is now ready in Room 69. Man in the Darth Vader mask, your virgin is now ready in Room 69."
Out of one of the curtains in the waiting room strode the Man In The Darth Vader Mask.
He knocked on the door of Room 69.
"Come in," said Nat.
"Nat," spoke the Man In The Darth Vader Mask, "your photo did you justice. You look exactly like my beloved Marguerite."
"Who's Marguerite?" Nat asked.
The Man In The Darth Vader Mask paused and then spoke in a sad mournful tone, "A woman I knew... a long, long time ago."
"In a galaxy far, far away?" Nat asked.
"What?" The Man In The Darth Vader Mask would have looked confused if he hadn't been wearing a mask.
"Take off your mask," Nat asked.
"What?" The Man In The Darth Vader Mask would have blinked had he been capable of blinking.
"If I'm going to lose my virginity to you, I want to see your face," she ripped off his mask and then screamed.
For the man's face was made up of wheat, barley, crabgrass, dandelions, Scotch thistle, purple dock and ragweed.
At that moment a man wearing a ski mask burst into the room.
Speaking with a thick Irish brogue, the man in the ski mask said, "Doctor Faustus, I presume?".
When the man whose face looked like a farmer's field nodded, the man in the ski mask threw a lit cigarette into his face.
Doctor Faustus' face went up in flames as the man in the ski mask fled the room.
Within minutes, the over 500-year-old Renaissance alchemist Doctor Johann Georg Faust was reduced to ashes.
When police arrived on the scene an hour later, the lead detective whose name coincidentally enough was Lt. Columbo (like the famed TV detective of yesteryear) scratched his head and remarked, "I thought the Burning Man Festival in Nevada was being held last month."
"What type of cigarette do you think was used?" the sargeant asked Lt. Columbo.
"It appears to be a Camel," replied Lt. Columbo who at one time was a heavy smoker.
Lt. Columbo looked over at Nat the virgin who was sitting on the bed weeping. Then he looked down at the remains of the burnt Camel cigarette. And finally at the remains of Doctor Faust.
His eyes darted back and forth.
Nat. Camel. Faust.
Then his eyes fell on the open pages of the Gideon Bible which lay on the dresser open at Matthew 23:24:
"Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel."
To be continued.
This was the ranch where the "virgin" called "Nat" had auctioned off her "virginity" on-line.
And tonight the lucky winner (or the damned fool sucker! -depending on your perspective!) of the on-line auction would claim his virgin.
All Gina knew about the buyer of Nat's virginity was that he wore a Darth Vader mask when checking into the ranch.
Was he a famous person Gina wondered?
Maybe he was David Letterman of "I did have sex with some of my female workers" fame.
Gina suddenly blinked.
Was she right after all?
For there standing in front of her was late night talk show host David Letterman.
"Hi, I'm David Letterman," the celebrity grinned, "I've got permission from ranch management to film the "virgin" called Nat being deflowered."
At that moment, Kanye West walked by.
"Yo, Dave," Kanye West grinned, "you're a couple of years late and several million dollars short. Beyonce had one of the best sex videos ever."
West left the ranch and directed his chauffeur to drive him to the nearest Sexually Transmitted Diseases Clinic in Las Vegas.
"That man's a jackass," Letterman shook his head.
"Glad to see you're patriotic," a well-known U.S. Democratic senator walked by with a jacket over his head, "Nice to see people quoting our beloved President."
"I'm opposed to ObamaCare," remarked a well-known Republican congressman who walked by wearing a paper bag over his head.
"So it seems this Moonlight Bunny Ranch is bi-partisan in its clientele," Letterman smiled.
"A prick's a prick be he Democrat or Republican," the ranch's owner and Madame spoke up.
Gina spoke into the intercom, "Man in the Darth Vader mask, your virgin is now ready in Room 69. Man in the Darth Vader mask, your virgin is now ready in Room 69."
Out of one of the curtains in the waiting room strode the Man In The Darth Vader Mask.
He knocked on the door of Room 69.
"Come in," said Nat.
"Nat," spoke the Man In The Darth Vader Mask, "your photo did you justice. You look exactly like my beloved Marguerite."
"Who's Marguerite?" Nat asked.
The Man In The Darth Vader Mask paused and then spoke in a sad mournful tone, "A woman I knew... a long, long time ago."
"In a galaxy far, far away?" Nat asked.
"What?" The Man In The Darth Vader Mask would have looked confused if he hadn't been wearing a mask.
"Take off your mask," Nat asked.
"What?" The Man In The Darth Vader Mask would have blinked had he been capable of blinking.
"If I'm going to lose my virginity to you, I want to see your face," she ripped off his mask and then screamed.
For the man's face was made up of wheat, barley, crabgrass, dandelions, Scotch thistle, purple dock and ragweed.
At that moment a man wearing a ski mask burst into the room.
Speaking with a thick Irish brogue, the man in the ski mask said, "Doctor Faustus, I presume?".
When the man whose face looked like a farmer's field nodded, the man in the ski mask threw a lit cigarette into his face.
Doctor Faustus' face went up in flames as the man in the ski mask fled the room.
Within minutes, the over 500-year-old Renaissance alchemist Doctor Johann Georg Faust was reduced to ashes.
When police arrived on the scene an hour later, the lead detective whose name coincidentally enough was Lt. Columbo (like the famed TV detective of yesteryear) scratched his head and remarked, "I thought the Burning Man Festival in Nevada was being held last month."
"What type of cigarette do you think was used?" the sargeant asked Lt. Columbo.
"It appears to be a Camel," replied Lt. Columbo who at one time was a heavy smoker.
Lt. Columbo looked over at Nat the virgin who was sitting on the bed weeping. Then he looked down at the remains of the burnt Camel cigarette. And finally at the remains of Doctor Faust.
His eyes darted back and forth.
Nat. Camel. Faust.
Then his eyes fell on the open pages of the Gideon Bible which lay on the dresser open at Matthew 23:24:
"Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel."
To be continued.
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