Rainswept tears
letting go of years
gone are many fears
you held my hand when I was young
your life was a joy brightly sung
when you first were gone
I felt the end of dawn
but each passing day
in a strange new way
I feel you near
the hand that now holds is an invisible one
but I feel its warmth like the noonday sun.
-A poem written by Dracul Van Helsing
Wednesday, August 18th, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Isis and The Midnight Hour- Can You Feel The Power?
The Vampiress Isis smiled and shook Herr Hans' hand.
"Herr Hans, nice to see you," her fangs gleamed in the light from the chandelier, "been spreading the good word I see."
"Herr Hans," a bishop grabbed the theologian.
The clock struck midnight.
"What a relief," the bishop laughed, "it's no longer the Feast of the Assumption."
Isis smiled in the bishop's direction.
"No, it's now the anniversary of Elvis' death," a voice behind Isis spoke, "and I see no one here is wearing blue suede shoes.."
Isis turned.
"Christopher Dracul Van Helsing," Isis seethed, "and how did the world's most notorious vampire hunter enter my apartment?".
"Through the open window of your bedroom," Dracul smiled.
"I see I shall have to chastise my valet Cedarman," Isis bit her lip.
"I'd be willing to take his punishment," Dracul gazed down admiringly at her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.
Isis laughed and then ran her hands through her long dark hair, "And how long were you at my window before you entered?".
"I watched you sleep in your silvery nightgown," Dracul helped himself to an apple from a basket of fruit on a coffee table, "and then I watched you dress."
"Voyeur Van Helsing," Isis adjusted the top part of her dress revealing more of her bosom, "nice alliteration."
"Exhibitionist Isis," Dracul smiled, "no alliteration there. But what does that phrase sound like in Egyptian?".
"So you gazed at me through my bedroom window," Isis smiled.
"If the immortal vampire Edward can do that to the mortal Bella," Dracul let some of the red skin of the apple hang on his lip, "then in order to balance the Tao energy of the universe, it's only fair that a mortal man do it to an immortal vampiress."
Isis went over and bit the red skin of the apple off Dracul's lip, "And what else would this mortal man like to do to this immortal vampiress?".
Herr Hans thought he saw a man pick up the Vampiress Isis in his arms and then walk to the bedroom door.
Seconds later the bedroom door shut.
On the radio Elvis could be heard singing, "I'm all shook up..."
To be continued.
"Herr Hans, nice to see you," her fangs gleamed in the light from the chandelier, "been spreading the good word I see."
"Herr Hans," a bishop grabbed the theologian.
The clock struck midnight.
"What a relief," the bishop laughed, "it's no longer the Feast of the Assumption."
Isis smiled in the bishop's direction.
"No, it's now the anniversary of Elvis' death," a voice behind Isis spoke, "and I see no one here is wearing blue suede shoes.."
Isis turned.
"Christopher Dracul Van Helsing," Isis seethed, "and how did the world's most notorious vampire hunter enter my apartment?".
"Through the open window of your bedroom," Dracul smiled.
"I see I shall have to chastise my valet Cedarman," Isis bit her lip.
"I'd be willing to take his punishment," Dracul gazed down admiringly at her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.
Isis laughed and then ran her hands through her long dark hair, "And how long were you at my window before you entered?".
"I watched you sleep in your silvery nightgown," Dracul helped himself to an apple from a basket of fruit on a coffee table, "and then I watched you dress."
"Voyeur Van Helsing," Isis adjusted the top part of her dress revealing more of her bosom, "nice alliteration."
"Exhibitionist Isis," Dracul smiled, "no alliteration there. But what does that phrase sound like in Egyptian?".
"So you gazed at me through my bedroom window," Isis smiled.
"If the immortal vampire Edward can do that to the mortal Bella," Dracul let some of the red skin of the apple hang on his lip, "then in order to balance the Tao energy of the universe, it's only fair that a mortal man do it to an immortal vampiress."
Isis went over and bit the red skin of the apple off Dracul's lip, "And what else would this mortal man like to do to this immortal vampiress?".
Herr Hans thought he saw a man pick up the Vampiress Isis in his arms and then walk to the bedroom door.
Seconds later the bedroom door shut.
On the radio Elvis could be heard singing, "I'm all shook up..."
To be continued.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Herr Hans' Twilight Stroll
Herr Hans stepped out of the church into the twilight.
The priest and theologian who had been attending a meeting down the street thought he'd pop in and see what this church was like.
The church had crucifixes and crosses and statues and paintings of the Saints.
The priest felt very uncomfortable and left the church.
Hadn't this congregation ever heard of the spirit of Vatican II? the priest wondered bitterly.
"Evening, Father," a grizzled old man greeted him.
"What the f---?" Herr Hans wondered. How did this man know he was a priest?
Herr Hans lifted his hand to his collar. Oh, he was wearing his clerical collar tonight.
He knew the news media would be there at the meeting so he thought he'd better wear his clerical collar just to impress folks.
"Were you attending Mass for the Feast of the Assumption?" the old man asked.
Herr Hans looked at his watch. Today's date was August 15th. The Feast of the Assumption. This was the date the Catholic Church believed that when the Virgin Mary died, she was assumed body and soul into heaven.
He hadn't paid any attention to that date in years.
"No," Herr Hans answered truthfully.
"Are you one of these priests who don't believe in the Assumption?" the grizzled old man asked.
"That's right," Herr Hans nodded.
"Can I ask you something?" the grizzled old man asked, "You know how churches all over Europe and Asia claim they possess certain bodily relics of various Saints like John the Baptist, Saint Paul, Saint Andrew etc?".
"Yes," Herr Hans was starting to feel noxious.
"How come in the entire long history of Christianity," the old man asked, "no Church has ever claimed to possess a bodily relic of the Blessed Virgin?".
Herr Hans looked at the man-shocked.
He could see what the grizzled old man was getting at.
Herr Hans ran down the street to avoid the man.
He would be late for his meeting with the Vampiress Isis anyways.
When he got to her apartment, photographers were taking her picture.
She was dressed in an exquisite black velvet dress. On her head was an exquisite diamond tiara of a crescent moon. Her spiked stiletto heels were likewise emblazoned with diamonds. Diamonds that were made up to look like six stars- one set on each shoe.
To be continued.
The priest and theologian who had been attending a meeting down the street thought he'd pop in and see what this church was like.
The church had crucifixes and crosses and statues and paintings of the Saints.
The priest felt very uncomfortable and left the church.
Hadn't this congregation ever heard of the spirit of Vatican II? the priest wondered bitterly.
"Evening, Father," a grizzled old man greeted him.
"What the f---?" Herr Hans wondered. How did this man know he was a priest?
Herr Hans lifted his hand to his collar. Oh, he was wearing his clerical collar tonight.
He knew the news media would be there at the meeting so he thought he'd better wear his clerical collar just to impress folks.
"Were you attending Mass for the Feast of the Assumption?" the old man asked.
Herr Hans looked at his watch. Today's date was August 15th. The Feast of the Assumption. This was the date the Catholic Church believed that when the Virgin Mary died, she was assumed body and soul into heaven.
He hadn't paid any attention to that date in years.
"No," Herr Hans answered truthfully.
"Are you one of these priests who don't believe in the Assumption?" the grizzled old man asked.
"That's right," Herr Hans nodded.
"Can I ask you something?" the grizzled old man asked, "You know how churches all over Europe and Asia claim they possess certain bodily relics of various Saints like John the Baptist, Saint Paul, Saint Andrew etc?".
"Yes," Herr Hans was starting to feel noxious.
"How come in the entire long history of Christianity," the old man asked, "no Church has ever claimed to possess a bodily relic of the Blessed Virgin?".
Herr Hans looked at the man-shocked.
He could see what the grizzled old man was getting at.
Herr Hans ran down the street to avoid the man.
He would be late for his meeting with the Vampiress Isis anyways.
When he got to her apartment, photographers were taking her picture.
She was dressed in an exquisite black velvet dress. On her head was an exquisite diamond tiara of a crescent moon. Her spiked stiletto heels were likewise emblazoned with diamonds. Diamonds that were made up to look like six stars- one set on each shoe.
To be continued.
Friday, August 13, 2010
North Korea's Dictator Kim Jong-il Goes Beserk Over McNuggets
The following is a fictional satirical news story that I wrote a couple of days ago:
Paying a surprise unexpected visit to the South Korean capital of Seoul today, North Korea's Stalinist dictator Kim Jong-il went through a South Korean McDonald's drive-through today in his chauffeur driven Workers' Paradise Rolls-Royce limousine (a car that is actually unavailable to most North Korean workers).
The North Korean dictator was apparently struck by a craving for McDonald's Chicken McNuggets and upon being told by McDonald's employees that McNuggets were unavailable at the moment because this was the time only breakfast was being served, the Hermit Kingdom's Dear Leader went beserk and upon screaming that he was following Oprah's New Age spirituality and getting in touch with his feminine (American) side proceeded to break and smash the drive-through window.
There are fears the incident could lead to the outbreak of war on the Korean Peninsula.
Paying a surprise unexpected visit to the South Korean capital of Seoul today, North Korea's Stalinist dictator Kim Jong-il went through a South Korean McDonald's drive-through today in his chauffeur driven Workers' Paradise Rolls-Royce limousine (a car that is actually unavailable to most North Korean workers).
The North Korean dictator was apparently struck by a craving for McDonald's Chicken McNuggets and upon being told by McDonald's employees that McNuggets were unavailable at the moment because this was the time only breakfast was being served, the Hermit Kingdom's Dear Leader went beserk and upon screaming that he was following Oprah's New Age spirituality and getting in touch with his feminine (American) side proceeded to break and smash the drive-through window.
There are fears the incident could lead to the outbreak of war on the Korean Peninsula.
Leonardo DiCaprio's Inception and The Lobster Named Michelangelo
Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were having lunch together in a sandwich cafe in London.
"I hear," Renfield said between mouthfuls of his tuna fish sandwich, "that Justin Timberlake may replace Simon Cowell as a judge on American Idol."
"I wonder how many major wardrobe malfunctions would happen on American Idol if that were to occur," Amadeus replied.
On the TV screen in the restaurant, the BBC News Announcer intoned, "This just in. San Francisco police have been questioning former US Vice-President Al Gore about possible inappropriate sexual contact with a massage therapist..."
"Oh my Buddha Consciousness Higher Self," Renfield invoked his deity as he put down his tuna fish sandwich in disgust, "the thought and imagery of Al Gore having sex has ruined my appetite."
* * *
Later that night, the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had been summoned to his top secret laboratories at Canary Wharf on the Thames.
"I thought you'd like to see this, boss," his leading scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher unveiled a curtain and there in an aquarium was a lobster.
"I have seen lobster before in my 3000 year old existence," Set seethed.
"But you've never seen lobster like this," Dr. Rocher grinned.
Dr. Rocher showed the lobster a photograph.
"Now observe our closed-circuit television inside 10 Downing Street," said Rocher.
British Prime Minister David Cameron woke up screaming, "I dreamed a lobster was sitting in my seat in the House of Commons."
Dr. Rocher showed the lobster another photograph.
"Now observe our closed circuit television inside the ArchBishop's Palace," Rocher smiled.
Rowan Williams the ArchDruid of Canterbury woke up screaming, "I dreamed a lobster was sacrificing me to an ancient Celtic deity."
Then another photograph. And a closed circuit television of the White House.
United States President Barack Obama woke up screaming, "I dreamed a giant lobster loosened the cap on the BP oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico and oil was spilling out again."
Then another photograph. And another closed circuit television.
Rep. Ron Paul woke up screaming, "I dreamed a lobster knocked over my tea pot and ruined our tea party."
"My Amun-Ra," Set smiled, "you've created a lobster that can..."
"... enter people's dreams," Dr. Rocher smiled, "What audiences see Leonardo DiCaprio doing fictionally in Inception, Michelangelo de Lobster does for real at my suggestion."
Then Dr. Rocher showed the lobster Michelangelo another photograph.
The lobster closed his eyes.
And a few minutes later, the lobster woke up screaming.
* * *
"Why are you smiling?" Amadeus who was sitting in an easy chair asked Renfield who was lying on the couch.
Renfield answered, "I just dreamed I was eating lobster."
To be continued.
"I hear," Renfield said between mouthfuls of his tuna fish sandwich, "that Justin Timberlake may replace Simon Cowell as a judge on American Idol."
"I wonder how many major wardrobe malfunctions would happen on American Idol if that were to occur," Amadeus replied.
On the TV screen in the restaurant, the BBC News Announcer intoned, "This just in. San Francisco police have been questioning former US Vice-President Al Gore about possible inappropriate sexual contact with a massage therapist..."
"Oh my Buddha Consciousness Higher Self," Renfield invoked his deity as he put down his tuna fish sandwich in disgust, "the thought and imagery of Al Gore having sex has ruined my appetite."
* * *
Later that night, the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had been summoned to his top secret laboratories at Canary Wharf on the Thames.
"I thought you'd like to see this, boss," his leading scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher unveiled a curtain and there in an aquarium was a lobster.
"I have seen lobster before in my 3000 year old existence," Set seethed.
"But you've never seen lobster like this," Dr. Rocher grinned.
Dr. Rocher showed the lobster a photograph.
"Now observe our closed-circuit television inside 10 Downing Street," said Rocher.
British Prime Minister David Cameron woke up screaming, "I dreamed a lobster was sitting in my seat in the House of Commons."
Dr. Rocher showed the lobster another photograph.
"Now observe our closed circuit television inside the ArchBishop's Palace," Rocher smiled.
Rowan Williams the ArchDruid of Canterbury woke up screaming, "I dreamed a lobster was sacrificing me to an ancient Celtic deity."
Then another photograph. And a closed circuit television of the White House.
United States President Barack Obama woke up screaming, "I dreamed a giant lobster loosened the cap on the BP oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico and oil was spilling out again."
Then another photograph. And another closed circuit television.
Rep. Ron Paul woke up screaming, "I dreamed a lobster knocked over my tea pot and ruined our tea party."
"My Amun-Ra," Set smiled, "you've created a lobster that can..."
"... enter people's dreams," Dr. Rocher smiled, "What audiences see Leonardo DiCaprio doing fictionally in Inception, Michelangelo de Lobster does for real at my suggestion."
Then Dr. Rocher showed the lobster Michelangelo another photograph.
The lobster closed his eyes.
And a few minutes later, the lobster woke up screaming.
* * *
"Why are you smiling?" Amadeus who was sitting in an easy chair asked Renfield who was lying on the couch.
Renfield answered, "I just dreamed I was eating lobster."
To be continued.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Prisoner Bear To Face Death Sentence For Attacks
A week ago, I noticed a story on CNN News with this headline Prisoner Bear To Face Death Sentence For Attacks.
That struck me as an unusual way to frame a headline about an attacking bear.
So anyways here's a short story I wrote based on the images that came into my head from that headline.
* * *
TV Reporter Carolina Russell: And here we are in front of the prison. We have both sides of the death penalty debate right here... over here, the death penalty proponents...
(The proponents hold up picket signs that say "Fry The Bear")
Carolina Russell: And on the other side, death penalty opponents...
(The opponents hold up picket signs that say, "Commute the Sentence To Life In The San Diego Zoo")
Carolina Russell: And then there are others, we're not quite sure of their stand...
(Lindsay Lohan holds up a sign saying "I need a new bear rug for my bedroom" while Charlie Sheen holds up a sign saying "I like to make out with hookers while wearing a bear's paw necklace")
Carolina Russell: And then there's the controversial governor of the state... Ghenghis Khan Torquemada...
Gov. Ghenghis Khan Torquemada (at previous press conference): As you know I think death by lethal injection is a limp-wristed pansy way of putting someone to death. That's why I've re-introduced for the death penalty... death in the electric chair.
Carolina Russell: Gov. Torquemada's re-introduction of the electric chair death penalty has been condemned by Amnesty International...
Meanwhile inside the prison, prison guards are sitting up at a table and drawing straws...
Prison guard Hermie Hoopsnapper asked his fellow guard, "What's up with drawing straws?".
The bigger guard shrugged.
Prison Warden Chaney Karloff addressed the guards, "As you know, Gov. Torquemada has been getting a lot of flak from Amnesty International for bringing back the electric chair for the death penalty in this state. And he's been getting a lot of flak from PETA and various other animal rights groups over the fact that the first one to get the electric chair in 45 years in this state will be a bear. So in order to build better public relations for himself, Gov. Torquemada has announced the prisoner bear #7543849541284 will be entitled to one last meal before he's executed."
"But it's my understanding that the prisoner bear only eats humans," Hermie Hoopsnapper piped up.
All the prison guards and the warden looked at Hermie Hoopsnapper.
Hermie Hoopsnapper suddenly realized he was holding the shortest end of the straw.
Hermie Hoopsnapper let out a scream as he realized what was happening.
Hermie Hoopsnapper was thrown into the cell with the bear.
"Munch! Munch! Burp! Burp! Scratch! Scratch!" were the sounds the bear made from his cell as Hermie Hoopsnapper just screamed.
Carolina Russell batted her sexy false eyelashes, adjusted her fake boobs in her low-cut mini dress, looked directly at the camera and said, "We've just been informed that the Prisoner Bear has finished his last meal."
-A short story written by Dracul Van Helsing
Friday, August 6th 2010.
That struck me as an unusual way to frame a headline about an attacking bear.
So anyways here's a short story I wrote based on the images that came into my head from that headline.
* * *
TV Reporter Carolina Russell: And here we are in front of the prison. We have both sides of the death penalty debate right here... over here, the death penalty proponents...
(The proponents hold up picket signs that say "Fry The Bear")
Carolina Russell: And on the other side, death penalty opponents...
(The opponents hold up picket signs that say, "Commute the Sentence To Life In The San Diego Zoo")
Carolina Russell: And then there are others, we're not quite sure of their stand...
(Lindsay Lohan holds up a sign saying "I need a new bear rug for my bedroom" while Charlie Sheen holds up a sign saying "I like to make out with hookers while wearing a bear's paw necklace")
Carolina Russell: And then there's the controversial governor of the state... Ghenghis Khan Torquemada...
Gov. Ghenghis Khan Torquemada (at previous press conference): As you know I think death by lethal injection is a limp-wristed pansy way of putting someone to death. That's why I've re-introduced for the death penalty... death in the electric chair.
Carolina Russell: Gov. Torquemada's re-introduction of the electric chair death penalty has been condemned by Amnesty International...
Meanwhile inside the prison, prison guards are sitting up at a table and drawing straws...
Prison guard Hermie Hoopsnapper asked his fellow guard, "What's up with drawing straws?".
The bigger guard shrugged.
Prison Warden Chaney Karloff addressed the guards, "As you know, Gov. Torquemada has been getting a lot of flak from Amnesty International for bringing back the electric chair for the death penalty in this state. And he's been getting a lot of flak from PETA and various other animal rights groups over the fact that the first one to get the electric chair in 45 years in this state will be a bear. So in order to build better public relations for himself, Gov. Torquemada has announced the prisoner bear #7543849541284 will be entitled to one last meal before he's executed."
"But it's my understanding that the prisoner bear only eats humans," Hermie Hoopsnapper piped up.
All the prison guards and the warden looked at Hermie Hoopsnapper.
Hermie Hoopsnapper suddenly realized he was holding the shortest end of the straw.
Hermie Hoopsnapper let out a scream as he realized what was happening.
Hermie Hoopsnapper was thrown into the cell with the bear.
"Munch! Munch! Burp! Burp! Scratch! Scratch!" were the sounds the bear made from his cell as Hermie Hoopsnapper just screamed.
Carolina Russell batted her sexy false eyelashes, adjusted her fake boobs in her low-cut mini dress, looked directly at the camera and said, "We've just been informed that the Prisoner Bear has finished his last meal."
-A short story written by Dracul Van Helsing
Friday, August 6th 2010.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
TV Commercial For The Most Un-Interesting Man In The World
This is a TV commercial I wrote today called The Most Un-Interesting Man In The World. It is of course a satirical spoof of Dos Equis' The Most Interesting Man In The World beer commercials.
Announcer: He's the Most Un-Interesting Man in the World...
Herr Hans: And then at exactly 10:23 PM after 5 and a half hours of watching it, the paint finally dried...
Beautiful Woman (in chair on his immediate left): Zzzzzzzzz....
Beautiful woman (in chair on his immediate right): Snore! Snore!
Herr Hans: You know I don't drink 100% Decaffeinated Combination Constipation Headache Laxative and Acid Reflux Relief Herbal Tea very often but when I do, I prefer Equa Doze...
(Image comes up of a bottle of Equa Doze 100% Decaffeinated Combination Constipation Headache Laxative and Acid Reflux Relief Herbal Tea)
Herr Hans: Stay health conscious, my friends...
Announcer: He's the Most Un-Interesting Man in the World...
Herr Hans: And then at exactly 10:23 PM after 5 and a half hours of watching it, the paint finally dried...
Beautiful Woman (in chair on his immediate left): Zzzzzzzzz....
Beautiful woman (in chair on his immediate right): Snore! Snore!
Herr Hans: You know I don't drink 100% Decaffeinated Combination Constipation Headache Laxative and Acid Reflux Relief Herbal Tea very often but when I do, I prefer Equa Doze...
(Image comes up of a bottle of Equa Doze 100% Decaffeinated Combination Constipation Headache Laxative and Acid Reflux Relief Herbal Tea)
Herr Hans: Stay health conscious, my friends...
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