Lines of palm trees
on silver seas
tinged with an aromatic breeze
the stars they quiver
by pale moon's sliver
and coconuts dance in the breeze
a ballroom of exotic trees
the fireflies they are aglow
and fishes jump for joy you know.
-A poem written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
Tuesday, October 19th, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
The Wicked Witch of the East Must Die!
In the annals of evil
and cosmic upheaval
Jack O' Hare was aware
of a very evil being
you'd go blind upon seeing
her heart was black
a walking rat.
There are good witches and bad witches
and those that emerge from shit of bitches
This evil witch was one such
devoid of divine touch
infernal through and through
she smelled like rat pooh.
This was the Wicked Witch of the East
but in evil she was not least.
East of the point where Jack stood
was this evil crone with cape and hood
the world turned to hate
because of her wretched gait
as she walked
and talked
but squawked.
For no human voice had she
this ugly horrid banshee
From the depths of Hell she came
to cause all she touched pain.
But Jack had had enough of this witch infernal
she must be sent to Hell eternal
and as he munched on corned beef and rye
with his big bunny ears held so high
Jack resolved
this Wicked Witch must die.
To be continued.
This being Part One of a neo-Miltonian neo-Homeric epic poem
written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
on this day Monday, October 18th, 2010.
and cosmic upheaval
Jack O' Hare was aware
of a very evil being
you'd go blind upon seeing
her heart was black
a walking rat.
There are good witches and bad witches
and those that emerge from shit of bitches
This evil witch was one such
devoid of divine touch
infernal through and through
she smelled like rat pooh.
This was the Wicked Witch of the East
but in evil she was not least.
East of the point where Jack stood
was this evil crone with cape and hood
the world turned to hate
because of her wretched gait
as she walked
and talked
but squawked.
For no human voice had she
this ugly horrid banshee
From the depths of Hell she came
to cause all she touched pain.
But Jack had had enough of this witch infernal
she must be sent to Hell eternal
and as he munched on corned beef and rye
with his big bunny ears held so high
Jack resolved
this Wicked Witch must die.
To be continued.
This being Part One of a neo-Miltonian neo-Homeric epic poem
written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
on this day Monday, October 18th, 2010.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Sherlock Holmes and The Headless Horseman of The Yorkshire Moors
"You've seemed distressed the past few days, Holmes," Doctor Watson observed, "what's up?".
"It's these damn hemorrhoids, Watson," Holmes adjusted the pillow on his chair, "I didn't realize they could be such a pain in the ass."
"Hemorrhoids have always been that, Holmes," Watson remarked.
Just then there was a knock at the door.
"I believe we have a visitor, Watson," Holmes lit his pipe.
"Brilliant deduction, Holmes," Watson smiled.
"Thank you, Watson," Holmes smiled.
Dr. Watson got up and answered the door.
Standing there was a man without a head.
In one hand, he held a ventriloquist's dummy.
"Pardon me," the dummy said, "but I appear to have lost my head. If it wasn't for this ventriloquist's dummy I found, I'd have a next to impossible time trying to communicate with people."
"How did you lose your head?" Holmes piped up.
"I lost it during the English Civil War," the spectral headless figure replied through the ventriloquist's dummy.
"That wasn't very civil of someone to cut your head off," Holmes put his pipe down.
"No, it wasn't," the spectral figure agreed, "but I found a pumpkin as a replacement. I've roamed the Yorkshire Moors with it through centuries on my horse. You may have heard of me, the Headless Horseman of the Yorkshire Moors?".
"I'm afraid I haven't," Holmes confessed.
"It's that damn Hessian cavalryman who lost his head during the American Revolutionary War," the spectre shook his non-existent head, "he gets all the press. The Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow. Thanks to Washington Irving, he gets all the glory. I wish I had a better PR agent."
"What's a PR agent?" Doctor Watson blew his nose.
"Public Relations, Watson," Holmes started tapping his fingers impatiently, "I suppose you'd like me to find your pumpkin head for you?".
"Yes, please," the spectre smiled through the ventriloquist's dummy.
"I once knew a lady of the evening who wanted to find her lost maiden head," Watson quipped.
"Yes, well we won't get into that now, Watson," Holmes grabbed his coat, his deerstalker cap and his walking stick and headed out the door, "Come Watson. The game's afoot."
"That's funny," Watson grinned, "I thought it was a head."
* * *
Dr. Watson sported a large nasty bump on the head after Holmes hit him with his walking stick for telling such an atrocious pun.
Watson was stopped by a French police bobby who was over here on a Paris-London Police Exchange program, "Pardon me, monsieur but that's quite a nasty boomp you have on your head."
"So I've noticed," Watson nodded.
"Great Scott, Watson," Holmes suddenly stopped in his tracks.
"Are you talking about that man standing over there in a kilt with a huge erection?" Watson queried.
"No, Watson," Holmes pointed to a sight in the window, "do you see in the window there? It's a jack o' lantern- a pumpkin bearing the carved initials HHOTYM- Headless Horseman of the Yorkshire Moors."
Holmes and Watson knocked on the door of the house with the jack o' lantern in the window.
The door opened.
"Sherlock Holmes, Doctor Watson," a cockney voice greeted them, "what are you doing here?".
"Lestrade, you total ass," Holmes wagged his finger at the Scotland Yard police inspector, "what are you doing with the Headless Horseman's head?".
"The 'Eadless 'Orseman's 'Ead?" Lestrade frowned, "what are you babbling about, Mr. Holmes? Are you drunk?".
"Drunk with the fount of knowledge, yes," Holmes rubbed his hands together, "for we have found the Headless Horseman's Head."
Lestrade had bought the head from a used pumpkin salesman.
Lestrade swore he'd never buy from a used pumpkin salesman again.
And so the Headless Horseman of the Yorkshire Moors got his head back.
The ventriloquist's dummy was elected to a seat in Parliament.
And Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson lived happily ever after.
That is until the next time someone else called upon them at their haunts at 221B Baker Street, London.
* * *
A Sherlock Holmes short short story for Hallowe'en
written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
Sunday, October 17th 2010.
"It's these damn hemorrhoids, Watson," Holmes adjusted the pillow on his chair, "I didn't realize they could be such a pain in the ass."
"Hemorrhoids have always been that, Holmes," Watson remarked.
Just then there was a knock at the door.
"I believe we have a visitor, Watson," Holmes lit his pipe.
"Brilliant deduction, Holmes," Watson smiled.
"Thank you, Watson," Holmes smiled.
Dr. Watson got up and answered the door.
Standing there was a man without a head.
In one hand, he held a ventriloquist's dummy.
"Pardon me," the dummy said, "but I appear to have lost my head. If it wasn't for this ventriloquist's dummy I found, I'd have a next to impossible time trying to communicate with people."
"How did you lose your head?" Holmes piped up.
"I lost it during the English Civil War," the spectral headless figure replied through the ventriloquist's dummy.
"That wasn't very civil of someone to cut your head off," Holmes put his pipe down.
"No, it wasn't," the spectral figure agreed, "but I found a pumpkin as a replacement. I've roamed the Yorkshire Moors with it through centuries on my horse. You may have heard of me, the Headless Horseman of the Yorkshire Moors?".
"I'm afraid I haven't," Holmes confessed.
"It's that damn Hessian cavalryman who lost his head during the American Revolutionary War," the spectre shook his non-existent head, "he gets all the press. The Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow. Thanks to Washington Irving, he gets all the glory. I wish I had a better PR agent."
"What's a PR agent?" Doctor Watson blew his nose.
"Public Relations, Watson," Holmes started tapping his fingers impatiently, "I suppose you'd like me to find your pumpkin head for you?".
"Yes, please," the spectre smiled through the ventriloquist's dummy.
"I once knew a lady of the evening who wanted to find her lost maiden head," Watson quipped.
"Yes, well we won't get into that now, Watson," Holmes grabbed his coat, his deerstalker cap and his walking stick and headed out the door, "Come Watson. The game's afoot."
"That's funny," Watson grinned, "I thought it was a head."
* * *
Dr. Watson sported a large nasty bump on the head after Holmes hit him with his walking stick for telling such an atrocious pun.
Watson was stopped by a French police bobby who was over here on a Paris-London Police Exchange program, "Pardon me, monsieur but that's quite a nasty boomp you have on your head."
"So I've noticed," Watson nodded.
"Great Scott, Watson," Holmes suddenly stopped in his tracks.
"Are you talking about that man standing over there in a kilt with a huge erection?" Watson queried.
"No, Watson," Holmes pointed to a sight in the window, "do you see in the window there? It's a jack o' lantern- a pumpkin bearing the carved initials HHOTYM- Headless Horseman of the Yorkshire Moors."
Holmes and Watson knocked on the door of the house with the jack o' lantern in the window.
The door opened.
"Sherlock Holmes, Doctor Watson," a cockney voice greeted them, "what are you doing here?".
"Lestrade, you total ass," Holmes wagged his finger at the Scotland Yard police inspector, "what are you doing with the Headless Horseman's head?".
"The 'Eadless 'Orseman's 'Ead?" Lestrade frowned, "what are you babbling about, Mr. Holmes? Are you drunk?".
"Drunk with the fount of knowledge, yes," Holmes rubbed his hands together, "for we have found the Headless Horseman's Head."
Lestrade had bought the head from a used pumpkin salesman.
Lestrade swore he'd never buy from a used pumpkin salesman again.
And so the Headless Horseman of the Yorkshire Moors got his head back.
The ventriloquist's dummy was elected to a seat in Parliament.
And Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson lived happily ever after.
That is until the next time someone else called upon them at their haunts at 221B Baker Street, London.
* * *
A Sherlock Holmes short short story for Hallowe'en
written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
Sunday, October 17th 2010.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
The Date: 10-10-10
Dracul Van Helsing was leaving the Saint James' Court Hotel on his way to Saint Paul's Cathedral when he was greeted at the entrance and exit door of the hotel by the red-headed cyborg Sophia.
She was wearing a tight fitting purple mini dress, black silk pantyhose and red super spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.
"I've been given instructions to make out with you for the next 3 hours," Sophia spoke in a very sultry voice.
"Oh, okay," Dracul wasn't one to turn down a beautiful woman on such a request.
* * *
There was a huge parade and festivities going on in Pyongyang the North Korean capital to mark the 65th Anniversary of the founding of the Korean Workers' Party by Great Leader Kim il-Sung.
Overseeing the parade was the so-called Dear Leader Kim Jong-il the son of Kim il-Sung.
And on the other side of a North Korean Army general on the platform overseeing the parade was the Next Leader Kim Jong-un the son and designated heir of Dear Leader Kim Jong-il.
Unknown to most western observers, there was a non-Korean woman marching in uniform along with North Korea's tight skirted women soldiers.
She was the Welsh Vampiress Morgana- acclaimed by the British press as the next Lady Gaga.
Morgana was able to parade in the North Korean daylight as a result of being given the powerful sunscreen invented for vampires and vampiresses by the former East German Stasi scientist Dr. Nicht Werhoffen who now worked for the Russian FSB.
A few rows behind Morgana and also dressed in the tight skirted uniform of the North Korean Army Women's Corps was South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan.
Hyung was keeping an eye on Morgana.
She had become aware the past few months that there had been several clandestine meetings going on between the Vampiress Morgana and designated North Korean heir Kim Jong-un. She was anxious to discover what those clandestine meetings were about.
* * *
Inside one of the back cloisters of Saint Paul's Cathedral, a nervous groom the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was getting ready for his marriage to the Vampiress Martini the heiress to the Romanov billions.
By putting their two fortunes together, they would become a powerhouse in the world of global finance.
It was a dynastic marriage made in Heaven- although it was actually made in the Underworld when the idea came to Renfield R. Renfield when he was in a poker game with the Greek God Hades (known to our Roman Latin readers as Pluto).
The marriage was to be performed by Set's good friend and Bridge card game partner at several London clubs the ArchDruid of Canterbury.
The ArchDruid had suggested Saint Paul's Cathedral as the venue for Set's wedding nuptials to the Vampiress Martini.
When Set said that the presence of Crosses and Crucifixes might make him a tad uncomfortable during the ceremony, Dr. Rowan Williams smiled and said most of the clergy and laity would have no objections to the Crosses and Crucifixes being removed during the wedding service as most had no idea what was the purpose behind such objects in today's Church of England anyways.
Serving as deacon during the ceremony behind the ArchDruid was a U.S. Episcopalian bishop and part time Santeria practitioner who had removed the Crosses and Crucifixes from his own Cathedral years ago.
"Have you seen the latest Old Spice commercial where the spokesperson turns into a multi-headed hydra?" Amadeus Emanon asked Renfield who was getting ready the bucket of severed human fingers that would serve as confetti to be thrown after the service.
"No, I haven't," Renfield snapped angrily.
"I think that Episcopalian bishop who's going to be the deacon during the service needs some Old Spice," Amadeus remarked, "because his arm pits smell like Hell."
"That's no surpise," Renfield handed the organist the music sheet for the Ozzy Osbourne song Speak of the Devil which would be played as the wedding march instead of the traditional Here Comes The Bride or even the Allegro Maestoso selection from Handel's Water Music.
As the Episcopalian bishop struggled with his robes, Amadeus threw on a huge dose of Old Spice deodorant under each underarm.
The end result was when the bishop got the robe over his head, he had suddenly grown six other heads as well.
"Bloody Hell," the bishop said when he looked at his reflection in the mirror which immediately cracked upon his gaze.
"No time to worry about that now, Henry," the ArchDruid of Canterbury laughed, "it will be next to impossible to find an executioner to cut off your six extra heads before the service begins particularly in lieu of the fact capital punishment was abolished in England back in the 1960s."
* * *
Set was dressed in his best tuxedo, dress shirt and bow tie.
The Vampiress Martini was dressed in the latest elegant white wedding dress personally designed by Karl Lagerfeld.
The ArchDruid of Canterbury was dressed in episcopal purple wearing an inverted pentagram instead of a pectorial Cross around his neck.
The U.S. Episcopalian bishop was dressed in the white robes of a deacon with a chicken's foot around the neck of his central head while his six other heads blinked uncomfortably.
Renfield R. Renfield was the choir master trying to direct and conduct an unruly group of goths, punk rockers and heavy metal headbangers who made up the choir.
Amadeus Emanon was dressed in school boy style trousers and was the ringbearer for the occasion.
Lady Gaga was dressed in a luminously white short short mini dress, white silk nylons and white spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes and was the flower girl holding a basket of ragweed for the happy occasion.
The service began as the ArchDruid of Canterbury solemnly intoned, "Dearly beloved bretheren and sisteren and transgendered in-betweenem, we are gathered here today to join this vampire and this vampiress in the bondage of unholy matrimony. Marriage, which is a dishonourable estate according to the Association of British Divorce Attorneys, should not be entered into lightly or without a pre-nuptial agreement. If any of you know any reason why these two should not be awfully wed, let him speak now or forever hold his peace..."
Amadeus spoke in a whisper to Renfield (a whisper that echoed throughout the dome of Saint Paul's), "How did you manage to stop Dracul Van Helsing from coming to this service to raise his objections?".
Renfield also answered in a whisper (that likewise echoed throughout the dome of Saint Paul's Cathedral), "I sent the Cyborg Sophia to his hotel to stop him in his tracks. No doubt he's currently engaged..."
"O Brave New World that has such people in it," the Vampiress Martini looked up as she saw the moon
filter through the dome of Saint Paul's Cathedral.
To be continued.
She was wearing a tight fitting purple mini dress, black silk pantyhose and red super spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.
"I've been given instructions to make out with you for the next 3 hours," Sophia spoke in a very sultry voice.
"Oh, okay," Dracul wasn't one to turn down a beautiful woman on such a request.
* * *
There was a huge parade and festivities going on in Pyongyang the North Korean capital to mark the 65th Anniversary of the founding of the Korean Workers' Party by Great Leader Kim il-Sung.
Overseeing the parade was the so-called Dear Leader Kim Jong-il the son of Kim il-Sung.
And on the other side of a North Korean Army general on the platform overseeing the parade was the Next Leader Kim Jong-un the son and designated heir of Dear Leader Kim Jong-il.
Unknown to most western observers, there was a non-Korean woman marching in uniform along with North Korea's tight skirted women soldiers.
She was the Welsh Vampiress Morgana- acclaimed by the British press as the next Lady Gaga.
Morgana was able to parade in the North Korean daylight as a result of being given the powerful sunscreen invented for vampires and vampiresses by the former East German Stasi scientist Dr. Nicht Werhoffen who now worked for the Russian FSB.
A few rows behind Morgana and also dressed in the tight skirted uniform of the North Korean Army Women's Corps was South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan.
Hyung was keeping an eye on Morgana.
She had become aware the past few months that there had been several clandestine meetings going on between the Vampiress Morgana and designated North Korean heir Kim Jong-un. She was anxious to discover what those clandestine meetings were about.
* * *
Inside one of the back cloisters of Saint Paul's Cathedral, a nervous groom the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was getting ready for his marriage to the Vampiress Martini the heiress to the Romanov billions.
By putting their two fortunes together, they would become a powerhouse in the world of global finance.
It was a dynastic marriage made in Heaven- although it was actually made in the Underworld when the idea came to Renfield R. Renfield when he was in a poker game with the Greek God Hades (known to our Roman Latin readers as Pluto).
The marriage was to be performed by Set's good friend and Bridge card game partner at several London clubs the ArchDruid of Canterbury.
The ArchDruid had suggested Saint Paul's Cathedral as the venue for Set's wedding nuptials to the Vampiress Martini.
When Set said that the presence of Crosses and Crucifixes might make him a tad uncomfortable during the ceremony, Dr. Rowan Williams smiled and said most of the clergy and laity would have no objections to the Crosses and Crucifixes being removed during the wedding service as most had no idea what was the purpose behind such objects in today's Church of England anyways.
Serving as deacon during the ceremony behind the ArchDruid was a U.S. Episcopalian bishop and part time Santeria practitioner who had removed the Crosses and Crucifixes from his own Cathedral years ago.
"Have you seen the latest Old Spice commercial where the spokesperson turns into a multi-headed hydra?" Amadeus Emanon asked Renfield who was getting ready the bucket of severed human fingers that would serve as confetti to be thrown after the service.
"No, I haven't," Renfield snapped angrily.
"I think that Episcopalian bishop who's going to be the deacon during the service needs some Old Spice," Amadeus remarked, "because his arm pits smell like Hell."
"That's no surpise," Renfield handed the organist the music sheet for the Ozzy Osbourne song Speak of the Devil which would be played as the wedding march instead of the traditional Here Comes The Bride or even the Allegro Maestoso selection from Handel's Water Music.
As the Episcopalian bishop struggled with his robes, Amadeus threw on a huge dose of Old Spice deodorant under each underarm.
The end result was when the bishop got the robe over his head, he had suddenly grown six other heads as well.
"Bloody Hell," the bishop said when he looked at his reflection in the mirror which immediately cracked upon his gaze.
"No time to worry about that now, Henry," the ArchDruid of Canterbury laughed, "it will be next to impossible to find an executioner to cut off your six extra heads before the service begins particularly in lieu of the fact capital punishment was abolished in England back in the 1960s."
* * *
Set was dressed in his best tuxedo, dress shirt and bow tie.
The Vampiress Martini was dressed in the latest elegant white wedding dress personally designed by Karl Lagerfeld.
The ArchDruid of Canterbury was dressed in episcopal purple wearing an inverted pentagram instead of a pectorial Cross around his neck.
The U.S. Episcopalian bishop was dressed in the white robes of a deacon with a chicken's foot around the neck of his central head while his six other heads blinked uncomfortably.
Renfield R. Renfield was the choir master trying to direct and conduct an unruly group of goths, punk rockers and heavy metal headbangers who made up the choir.
Amadeus Emanon was dressed in school boy style trousers and was the ringbearer for the occasion.
Lady Gaga was dressed in a luminously white short short mini dress, white silk nylons and white spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes and was the flower girl holding a basket of ragweed for the happy occasion.
The service began as the ArchDruid of Canterbury solemnly intoned, "Dearly beloved bretheren and sisteren and transgendered in-betweenem, we are gathered here today to join this vampire and this vampiress in the bondage of unholy matrimony. Marriage, which is a dishonourable estate according to the Association of British Divorce Attorneys, should not be entered into lightly or without a pre-nuptial agreement. If any of you know any reason why these two should not be awfully wed, let him speak now or forever hold his peace..."
Amadeus spoke in a whisper to Renfield (a whisper that echoed throughout the dome of Saint Paul's), "How did you manage to stop Dracul Van Helsing from coming to this service to raise his objections?".
Renfield also answered in a whisper (that likewise echoed throughout the dome of Saint Paul's Cathedral), "I sent the Cyborg Sophia to his hotel to stop him in his tracks. No doubt he's currently engaged..."
"O Brave New World that has such people in it," the Vampiress Martini looked up as she saw the moon
filter through the dome of Saint Paul's Cathedral.
To be continued.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Michelangelo's Vision of Another Last Judgement?
Renfield R. Renfield was communicating via computer with Michelangelo the psychic lobster's thought processes.
Michelangelo like the Leonardo DiCaprio character in the movie Inception could enter people's dreams.
What Michelangelo saw in the dreams appeared on Renfield's computer.
Renfield had Michelangelo examining the dreams of former U.S. President Jimmy Carter who was resting quietly in a hospital in Cleveland.
"Yes, I imagine if I had to fly to Cleveland," Renfield quipped, "I'd get sick to my stomach in the middle of my flight too."
Renfield looked at the images Michelangelo was seeing, "What the f---? What sort of person in his dreams is actually dreaming about building houses for people to live in who couldn't afford them otherwise?".
"Jimmy Carter does obviously," Amadeus said as he munched on a peanut butter sandwich.
"Michelangelo," Renfield spoke into the computer microphone, "enter Bill Clinton's dreams instead."
Michelangelo did so and within an instant other images appeared on screen.
"Oh, yes, this is so much more interesting," Renfield smiled, "I'm going to record these with my screen saver and add them to the porno movies I'm making."
"Is that physically possible?" Amadeus asked as he stopped in the middle of the peanut butter sandwich he was eating and stared in shock at what he saw on the screen.
"You must remember this is a dream you're watching so it doesn't really correspond to what one can do in reality," Renfield replied, "I wonder what Bill would pay me not to show these images to Hillary?".
"I don't see Hillary in any of these shots," Amadeus continued to eat his peanut butter sandwich.
"She isn't," Renfield replied.
"Oh," Amadeus finished his sandwich.
"Try Bill Gates' dreams now," Renfield ordered Michelangelo.
An image of Bill Gates appeared on the screen.
Amadeus announced, "I've just lost my appetite."
Renfield said, "So have I. I think in his dreams, Bill Gates is in his bedroom looking at what he's currently doing up on the mirror of his bedroom ceiling."
Amadeus looked on in horror, "Is that also a computer he's using while he's also engaged in... you know..."
"It is a computer," Renfield smiled, "and I'm sure Steve Jobs would be interested to know what sort of computer Bill Gates uses in his dreams. Note to screen saver: Save this shot. This can possibly be used to extract money from Bill Gates later."
Suddenly another image appeared on screen.
"Is that part of Bill Gates' dream?" Amadeus asked.
"I can't believe it," Renfield shook his head, "Michelangelo on his own has entered another person's dreams..."
The person in the dream was looking at toy soldiers, "Thanks to dear Daddy, I no longer have to play with wooden soldiers. Now I can play with real ones..."
The person laughed a sinister laugh.
* * *
South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing were asleep in the bedroom of their Paris hotel room.
Although Hyung was having trouble sleeping.
Ever since she saw that disturbing news story on the late night news this evening that North Korea's dictator Kim Jong-il had named his 27-year-old son Kim Jong-un (who had no military experience) a four-star general in the North Korean Army, she had been having unpleasant dreams.
"Get out of the way," Hyung booted a lobster out of the way with her spiked stiletto heels and then looked at the figure playing with toy soldiers
She recognized him immediately.
"Thanks to dear Daddy," the new North Korean 4-star general said, "I no longer have to play with wooden soldiers. Now I can play with real ones. To say nothing of those lovely missiles dear Daddy built and what can be put in them with all that lovely uranium we're producing in our enrichment plants..."
To be continued.
Michelangelo like the Leonardo DiCaprio character in the movie Inception could enter people's dreams.
What Michelangelo saw in the dreams appeared on Renfield's computer.
Renfield had Michelangelo examining the dreams of former U.S. President Jimmy Carter who was resting quietly in a hospital in Cleveland.
"Yes, I imagine if I had to fly to Cleveland," Renfield quipped, "I'd get sick to my stomach in the middle of my flight too."
Renfield looked at the images Michelangelo was seeing, "What the f---? What sort of person in his dreams is actually dreaming about building houses for people to live in who couldn't afford them otherwise?".
"Jimmy Carter does obviously," Amadeus said as he munched on a peanut butter sandwich.
"Michelangelo," Renfield spoke into the computer microphone, "enter Bill Clinton's dreams instead."
Michelangelo did so and within an instant other images appeared on screen.
"Oh, yes, this is so much more interesting," Renfield smiled, "I'm going to record these with my screen saver and add them to the porno movies I'm making."
"Is that physically possible?" Amadeus asked as he stopped in the middle of the peanut butter sandwich he was eating and stared in shock at what he saw on the screen.
"You must remember this is a dream you're watching so it doesn't really correspond to what one can do in reality," Renfield replied, "I wonder what Bill would pay me not to show these images to Hillary?".
"I don't see Hillary in any of these shots," Amadeus continued to eat his peanut butter sandwich.
"She isn't," Renfield replied.
"Oh," Amadeus finished his sandwich.
"Try Bill Gates' dreams now," Renfield ordered Michelangelo.
An image of Bill Gates appeared on the screen.
Amadeus announced, "I've just lost my appetite."
Renfield said, "So have I. I think in his dreams, Bill Gates is in his bedroom looking at what he's currently doing up on the mirror of his bedroom ceiling."
Amadeus looked on in horror, "Is that also a computer he's using while he's also engaged in... you know..."
"It is a computer," Renfield smiled, "and I'm sure Steve Jobs would be interested to know what sort of computer Bill Gates uses in his dreams. Note to screen saver: Save this shot. This can possibly be used to extract money from Bill Gates later."
Suddenly another image appeared on screen.
"Is that part of Bill Gates' dream?" Amadeus asked.
"I can't believe it," Renfield shook his head, "Michelangelo on his own has entered another person's dreams..."
The person in the dream was looking at toy soldiers, "Thanks to dear Daddy, I no longer have to play with wooden soldiers. Now I can play with real ones..."
The person laughed a sinister laugh.
* * *
South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing were asleep in the bedroom of their Paris hotel room.
Although Hyung was having trouble sleeping.
Ever since she saw that disturbing news story on the late night news this evening that North Korea's dictator Kim Jong-il had named his 27-year-old son Kim Jong-un (who had no military experience) a four-star general in the North Korean Army, she had been having unpleasant dreams.
"Get out of the way," Hyung booted a lobster out of the way with her spiked stiletto heels and then looked at the figure playing with toy soldiers
She recognized him immediately.
"Thanks to dear Daddy," the new North Korean 4-star general said, "I no longer have to play with wooden soldiers. Now I can play with real ones. To say nothing of those lovely missiles dear Daddy built and what can be put in them with all that lovely uranium we're producing in our enrichment plants..."
To be continued.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Amadeus Meets Sophia
When Amadeus entered the sitting room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's colossal London mansion, he was surprised to see a very beautiful red-headed woman sitting there wearing a black velvety blouse, short lilac purple skirt, pinkish red silk pantyhose and lilac purple spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.
"Oh, hello," Amadeus said.
"Hello," the redhead answered in a somewhat automated voice.
"Would you care for some black licorice?" Amadeus handed her his bag, "it's my favourite."
"All right," the redhead accepted the licorice, "we'll see if it computes with my system."
"Are you the cyborg called Sophia?" Amadeus asked.
"I am," the redhead nodded.
"How are you liking London?" Amadeus queried.
"The fish n' chips here are excellent," the cyborg actually managed a smile.
"I agree," Amadeus likewise smiled, "although I did have Black Sea sturgeon and beets in a Russian tea shop the other day which I thoroughly enjoyed."
"I don't know if I've ever tried that," the cyborg said, "I don't remember much of my life before my human body was merged with the body of a robot."
"But you know fish n' chips?" Amadeus bit into his black licorice.
"My creator's security guard loves fish n' chips," Sophia replied.
"That's the one who sleeps with his eyes open?" Amadeus inquired.
"Yes," Sophia nodded, "how did you know that?".
"Renfield uses Michelangelo the psychic lobster to enter the guard's dreams while he's sleep watching," Amadeus replied, "that's how he found out about your creation."
"Interesting," Sophia blinked, "and now I'm to work for Renfield for six months."
"Apparently," Amadeus offered her another piece of licorice.
"Thanks," Sophia took the licorice.
She bit into the licorice and then spoke thoughtfully, "It's hard not knowing who you really are. It's hard having been just created in a laboratory."
"I know what you mean," Amadeus replied, "I was just genetically cloned in a lab a few years ago from the DNA of Charles Manson, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Alan Rickman."
"Charles Manson?" Sophia bit deep into the licorice, "wasn't he a notorious murderer and cult leader from the 1960s?".
"He was," Amadeus bit into his licorice in helter skelter fashion.
"So are you a murderer?" Sophia asked.
"I try not to be," Amadeus finished the last of his licorice, "I think I take more after Mozart's DNA and Alan Rickman's than I do Manson's."
"Yet Alan Rickman played the murderous Severus Snape," Sophia noted.
"Well that's just a character Rickman played," Amadeus responded, "I don't think Mr. Rickman is like that in real life. But..."
Amadeus suddenly stopped reaching for his peanut butter and jam sandwich from his ziplock plastic bag.
"What is it?" Sophia asked.
"Have you read all the Harry Potter books or seen all the Harry Potter films in the few weeks since Dr. Nicht Werfhoffen created you in his Moscow laboratory?" Amadeus asked.
"No," Sophia shook her head.
"So how," Amadeus took a bite of his peanut butter and jam sandwich, "did you know about Alan Rickman playing Severus Snape? How had you even heard of Charles Manson for that matter?".
"My God, you're right," Sophia blinked her beautiful green eyes again, "I must still remember some things from the time I was fully human. Before my human body was merged with the body of a robot."
To be continued.
"Oh, hello," Amadeus said.
"Hello," the redhead answered in a somewhat automated voice.
"Would you care for some black licorice?" Amadeus handed her his bag, "it's my favourite."
"All right," the redhead accepted the licorice, "we'll see if it computes with my system."
"Are you the cyborg called Sophia?" Amadeus asked.
"I am," the redhead nodded.
"How are you liking London?" Amadeus queried.
"The fish n' chips here are excellent," the cyborg actually managed a smile.
"I agree," Amadeus likewise smiled, "although I did have Black Sea sturgeon and beets in a Russian tea shop the other day which I thoroughly enjoyed."
"I don't know if I've ever tried that," the cyborg said, "I don't remember much of my life before my human body was merged with the body of a robot."
"But you know fish n' chips?" Amadeus bit into his black licorice.
"My creator's security guard loves fish n' chips," Sophia replied.
"That's the one who sleeps with his eyes open?" Amadeus inquired.
"Yes," Sophia nodded, "how did you know that?".
"Renfield uses Michelangelo the psychic lobster to enter the guard's dreams while he's sleep watching," Amadeus replied, "that's how he found out about your creation."
"Interesting," Sophia blinked, "and now I'm to work for Renfield for six months."
"Apparently," Amadeus offered her another piece of licorice.
"Thanks," Sophia took the licorice.
She bit into the licorice and then spoke thoughtfully, "It's hard not knowing who you really are. It's hard having been just created in a laboratory."
"I know what you mean," Amadeus replied, "I was just genetically cloned in a lab a few years ago from the DNA of Charles Manson, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Alan Rickman."
"Charles Manson?" Sophia bit deep into the licorice, "wasn't he a notorious murderer and cult leader from the 1960s?".
"He was," Amadeus bit into his licorice in helter skelter fashion.
"So are you a murderer?" Sophia asked.
"I try not to be," Amadeus finished the last of his licorice, "I think I take more after Mozart's DNA and Alan Rickman's than I do Manson's."
"Yet Alan Rickman played the murderous Severus Snape," Sophia noted.
"Well that's just a character Rickman played," Amadeus responded, "I don't think Mr. Rickman is like that in real life. But..."
Amadeus suddenly stopped reaching for his peanut butter and jam sandwich from his ziplock plastic bag.
"What is it?" Sophia asked.
"Have you read all the Harry Potter books or seen all the Harry Potter films in the few weeks since Dr. Nicht Werfhoffen created you in his Moscow laboratory?" Amadeus asked.
"No," Sophia shook her head.
"So how," Amadeus took a bite of his peanut butter and jam sandwich, "did you know about Alan Rickman playing Severus Snape? How had you even heard of Charles Manson for that matter?".
"My God, you're right," Sophia blinked her beautiful green eyes again, "I must still remember some things from the time I was fully human. Before my human body was merged with the body of a robot."
To be continued.
Friday, September 24, 2010
The Egyptian Vampire Set's TV Commercial
Renfield and Amadeus Emanon are watching television.
On the screen, subtitles say Somewhere on The 38th Parallel of the Korean Peninsula.
The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set is seen standing in front of a sports car on the border.
"Comrade Kim Jong-il is late for his meeting with me and it's almost sunrise," Set looks at his watch.
Suddenly a Rolls-Royce limousine approaches.
"This must be Comrade Kim now," Set smiles.
The limousine opens and out steps South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan in a short leather mini dress, black silk fishnet pantyhose and black spiked stiletto heels.
"My God, stop her," Set orders his North Korean honour guard.
Hyung single handedly battles all the members of Set's North Korean honour guard. Knocking them all to the ground and kicking them with her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.
Set looks at his watch, "Egad, almost sunrise and there's Hyung the most fierce vampire huntress in the world standing there with her holy water blessed crossbow with a hawthorne wooden stake for an arrow."
Set leaps into his car.
TV announcer's voice: The new Qonzilqointec Electric Car is available with tinted windows able to block out many or all of the sun's harmful ultra-violet rays. Your choice. And since it runs on a high-powered lithium electric battery, you don't have to worry about suddenly running out of gas. So it makes your day or your night easier."
Set's Qonzilqointec Electric Car is seen driving full speed ahead into the sunrise.
Renfield smiled, "The boss should be pleased about his commercial."
Amadeus Emanon helped himself to his popcorn, "So the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec hired Dracul Van Helsing to write this commercial and both James Cameron and Quentin Tarantino to direct it. A sexy woman in a short skirt and spiked stiletto heels beating people up certainly shows Tarantino's input to say nothing of Dracul Van Helsing's. But where's Cameron's influence?".
Renfield answered, "The moon that was fading in the night sky just as the sun was rising happened to be a blue moon, didn't you notice that?".
"Oh, once in a blue moon," Amadeus replied.
"And the glove compartment in the new Qonzilqointec Electric Car is called Pandora's Box," Renfield pointed out.
* * *
In a hotel room in Paris, South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing are lying in bed watching the commercial Dracul had written.
"I can't believe instead of killing the vampire Set," Hyung shook her head, "we allow him to live and do a TV commercial in which I co-star."
"A living Set might come in handy in the future," Dracul answered.
"I don't see how," Hyung shook her head.
On the TV, a CNN documentary was shown whereby the priest-theologian Herr Hans talked about the Vampire Osiris' return to Earth in 2012.
Dracul pointed at the TV screen.
To be continued.
On the screen, subtitles say Somewhere on The 38th Parallel of the Korean Peninsula.
The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set is seen standing in front of a sports car on the border.
"Comrade Kim Jong-il is late for his meeting with me and it's almost sunrise," Set looks at his watch.
Suddenly a Rolls-Royce limousine approaches.
"This must be Comrade Kim now," Set smiles.
The limousine opens and out steps South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan in a short leather mini dress, black silk fishnet pantyhose and black spiked stiletto heels.
"My God, stop her," Set orders his North Korean honour guard.
Hyung single handedly battles all the members of Set's North Korean honour guard. Knocking them all to the ground and kicking them with her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.
Set looks at his watch, "Egad, almost sunrise and there's Hyung the most fierce vampire huntress in the world standing there with her holy water blessed crossbow with a hawthorne wooden stake for an arrow."
Set leaps into his car.
TV announcer's voice: The new Qonzilqointec Electric Car is available with tinted windows able to block out many or all of the sun's harmful ultra-violet rays. Your choice. And since it runs on a high-powered lithium electric battery, you don't have to worry about suddenly running out of gas. So it makes your day or your night easier."
Set's Qonzilqointec Electric Car is seen driving full speed ahead into the sunrise.
Renfield smiled, "The boss should be pleased about his commercial."
Amadeus Emanon helped himself to his popcorn, "So the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec hired Dracul Van Helsing to write this commercial and both James Cameron and Quentin Tarantino to direct it. A sexy woman in a short skirt and spiked stiletto heels beating people up certainly shows Tarantino's input to say nothing of Dracul Van Helsing's. But where's Cameron's influence?".
Renfield answered, "The moon that was fading in the night sky just as the sun was rising happened to be a blue moon, didn't you notice that?".
"Oh, once in a blue moon," Amadeus replied.
"And the glove compartment in the new Qonzilqointec Electric Car is called Pandora's Box," Renfield pointed out.
* * *
In a hotel room in Paris, South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing are lying in bed watching the commercial Dracul had written.
"I can't believe instead of killing the vampire Set," Hyung shook her head, "we allow him to live and do a TV commercial in which I co-star."
"A living Set might come in handy in the future," Dracul answered.
"I don't see how," Hyung shook her head.
On the TV, a CNN documentary was shown whereby the priest-theologian Herr Hans talked about the Vampire Osiris' return to Earth in 2012.
Dracul pointed at the TV screen.
To be continued.
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