The vampire Lev Tomi looked outside his office in the UN building in New York City.
In his mortal life, he had been the Marxist revolutionary Leon Trotsky.
He had been turned into a vampire by the Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec in Mexico City on August 21st, 1940 a day after an attack by a Stalinist agent who tried to assassinate him with an ice pick.
Failure to be turned into a vampire would have resulted in his death.
Although his death was publicly announced to the world so that his enemy Josef Stalin would no longer bother him.
Today Lev Tomi was the Head of the UN Secretariat on The Environment and Climate Change.
He was also directing the Occupy Wall Street protests throughout the world on behalf of his boss the Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec.
His mind went back to a conversation he had had with then Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev back in the late 1980s.
"In order for global Communism to triumph," he had told Gorbachev, "global capitalism must triumph first. Only when extreme laissez-faire capitalism reigns everywhere on the globe will the peoples of the world realize what an inhuman system it is and will rush to willingly embrace global Communism."
At Tomi's suggestion, Gorbachev let Central and Eastern Europe go, allowed for the dismantling of the Berlin Wall and the reunification of Germany and even allowed the dissolution of the Soviet Union itself.
By the year 2000, it had looked like global capitalism had triumphed.
By the autumn of 2008, global capitalism had shown the world its inhuman face and continued to show the world its inhuman face ever since.
Now the Arab Spring, the anti-austerity bill riots in Greece and the Occupy Wall Street protests in cities all over the world would pave the way for the triumph of global Communism.
Although it is ironic Tomi reflected to himself that the coming One World Marxist-Leninist government would be headed by the exiled (currently living in exile on Saturn's moon Titan) Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl.
* * *
Dracul Van Helsing read the quote from Leon Trotsky in the rare book store he was in, "Let there be formed a United States of Europe. When the United States of Europe is formed, then the United States of the World shall arise. And global Communism will triumph."
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec appeared before him in a red evening dress and licked her fangs and then leaned over showing her ample bosom and whispered delicately in his ear, "Tenga cuidado..."
To be continued.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
If The Were-Zomb-ire Could Write Poetry
Blood baths are good for you
to bathe in blood is where it's at
burnt flesh and twisted limbs
ripped apart at the door
a menagerie of blood and gore
Death and destruction all around
New World Order's despotic crown
Change is acomin'
it's the demonic Spring
with Sauron Lord of the Ring
autumn moon is rising all blood red
looks like motorcyclist lost his head
Moloch's a headin' to Assisi
he ain't bringin' no Virgin Chi Chi
Kill! Kill!
Let's get our fill
Death is our ecstasy pill.
- A poem written by Dracul Van Helsing
Friday evening October 21st 2011.
to bathe in blood is where it's at
burnt flesh and twisted limbs
ripped apart at the door
a menagerie of blood and gore
Death and destruction all around
New World Order's despotic crown
Change is acomin'
it's the demonic Spring
with Sauron Lord of the Ring
autumn moon is rising all blood red
looks like motorcyclist lost his head
Moloch's a headin' to Assisi
he ain't bringin' no Virgin Chi Chi
Kill! Kill!
Let's get our fill
Death is our ecstasy pill.
- A poem written by Dracul Van Helsing
Friday evening October 21st 2011.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Where Will They Bury Gaddafi?
"So I hear Libyan leader Col. Muammar Gaddafi was killed today in his birthplace of Sirte," Amadeus Emanon remarked as he bit into his camel burger- a dish he was trying for the very first time.
"That's right," Renfield yawned as he looked at the video of Gaddafi's dead body at the BBC News website on his computer.
"Wasn't he one of the Boss' allies at one time?" Amadeus reached into a jar of pickles and added a pickle to his camel burger.
"That's right he was," Renfield nodded, "right up until the moment he started to lose the Libyan civil war- then the Boss quickly dropped him as an ally."
As the group The Black Eyed Peas started to sing the song My Humps on the radio, Amadeus bit into the most difficult portion of his camel burger and asked Renfield, "So what are you currently doing?".
"I'm trying to hack into the computers of the Libyan Transitional Council to see if I can discover the secret location where they plan to bury Col. Gaddafi's body," Renfield grinned.
"Do you suppose they'll bury him face downwards so he can see where he's going?" Amadeus felt musically motivated to add some black-eyed peas to his camel burger.
"I don't know," Renfield shook his head, "I'm trying to determine the site of his burial because I think it would be kind of nifty to fly there and raise Col. Gaddafi from the dead as a zombie."
"Have you ever wondered what they do with dying grapes?" Amadeus changed the topic as he reached into a box of raisins.
To be continued.
"That's right," Renfield yawned as he looked at the video of Gaddafi's dead body at the BBC News website on his computer.
"Wasn't he one of the Boss' allies at one time?" Amadeus reached into a jar of pickles and added a pickle to his camel burger.
"That's right he was," Renfield nodded, "right up until the moment he started to lose the Libyan civil war- then the Boss quickly dropped him as an ally."
As the group The Black Eyed Peas started to sing the song My Humps on the radio, Amadeus bit into the most difficult portion of his camel burger and asked Renfield, "So what are you currently doing?".
"I'm trying to hack into the computers of the Libyan Transitional Council to see if I can discover the secret location where they plan to bury Col. Gaddafi's body," Renfield grinned.
"Do you suppose they'll bury him face downwards so he can see where he's going?" Amadeus felt musically motivated to add some black-eyed peas to his camel burger.
"I don't know," Renfield shook his head, "I'm trying to determine the site of his burial because I think it would be kind of nifty to fly there and raise Col. Gaddafi from the dead as a zombie."
"Have you ever wondered what they do with dying grapes?" Amadeus changed the topic as he reached into a box of raisins.
To be continued.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
The Mysterious Drip
Drip, drip, drip.
What was that dripping sound coming from the hotel room above him?
Ever since he had returned back to his hotel room, he had heard that dripping sound.
He phoned the desk downstairs.
No answer.
Hm, maybe he should walk down to the desk in person.
No, he'll just walk up to the hotel floor above him and knock on the door of the room above him.
When he walked up to the floor above him, he noticed the door of the room directly above him was open.
He walked into the room.
There impaled on the ceiling with coat hangers was an elderly couple who dripped blood on to the floor.
The man picked up the phone in the room and once again tried phoning the desk.
Still no answer.
The man ran downstairs to the main floor.
He approached the desk, peered over it and noticed the hotel clerk had been torn to shreds on the floor.
The man went into shock.
A previous guest who was unregistered had already checked out of the hotel (without paying) half an hour before.
The Were-Zomb-ire.
To be continued.
What was that dripping sound coming from the hotel room above him?
Ever since he had returned back to his hotel room, he had heard that dripping sound.
He phoned the desk downstairs.
No answer.
Hm, maybe he should walk down to the desk in person.
No, he'll just walk up to the hotel floor above him and knock on the door of the room above him.
When he walked up to the floor above him, he noticed the door of the room directly above him was open.
He walked into the room.
There impaled on the ceiling with coat hangers was an elderly couple who dripped blood on to the floor.
The man picked up the phone in the room and once again tried phoning the desk.
Still no answer.
The man ran downstairs to the main floor.
He approached the desk, peered over it and noticed the hotel clerk had been torn to shreds on the floor.
The man went into shock.
A previous guest who was unregistered had already checked out of the hotel (without paying) half an hour before.
The Were-Zomb-ire.
To be continued.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Idol Talk At The Set Mansion
As Renfield entered the colossal mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, he noticed a rather large and hideous looking creature leaving Set's study.
The creature had a rather angry looking expression on his face.
"Say wasn't that the demon Moloch who just left the Boss' study?" Renfield asked Amadeus.
"It was," Amadeus nodded as he continued to bite into a delicious Malaysian recipe for sweet and sour fish.
"What's he looking so angry about?" Renfield inquired.
"Apparently His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI didn't invite him to the Inter-Religious Dialogue and Pilgrimage For Peace which is being held in Assisi on October 27th of this year," Amadeus answered, "so Moloch is somewhat upset about that. Eastern Orthodox priests have been invited, Protestant ministers have been invited, Jewish rabbis have been invited, Muslim imams have been invited, Buddhist lamas have been invited and Hindu gurus have been invited. In fact, 200 representatives of various different religious faiths from over 50 countries have been invited. But Moloch wasn't invited."
"Why not?" Renfield bit into a tuna fish sandwich which Athelstan the valet had brought him.
"I don't think demons were invited," Amadeus sampled some of the Malaysian Princess Diyana Aleeya's delicious spaghetti.
"And why the Hell not?" Renfield felt sympathy for Moloch.
"I think it's precisely because of Hell that demons haven't been invited," Amadeus answered.
"I fail to follow such logic," Renfield drew a satanic inverted pentagram into his chocolate cake.
Suddenly Renfield's cell phone emitted a beeping sound.
"Who's that?" Amadeus took a sip of orange juice.
"It's a text message from the demon Moloch," Renfield replied, "he wants to know if he can borrow my creature the Were-Zomb-ire for a few days and get it to attack the Vatican in retaliation for the Pope not inviting him to attend the Assisi Inter-Religious Dialogue and Pilgrimage For Peace."
"And what answer are you giving him, sir?" Athelstan the valet inquired.
"If he can successfully trap the Were-Zomb-ire himself," Renfield replied, "he's welcome to him. So far all the traps I've set up around London to capture the Were-Zomb-ire have failed."
"And what sort of traps have you been using, sir?" Athelstan inquired.
"Giant mouse traps with giant pieces of cheese attached to them," Renfield answered.
"And who suggested that the Were-Zomb-ire likes cheese?" Athelstan looked surprised.
Renfield pointed towards Amadeus.
Athelstan looked quizzically at Amadeus.
"Well," Amadeus shrugged as he bit into a huge block of cheese, "since I like cheese, I thought maybe the Were-Zomb-ire might like cheese as well."
To be continued.
The creature had a rather angry looking expression on his face.
"Say wasn't that the demon Moloch who just left the Boss' study?" Renfield asked Amadeus.
"It was," Amadeus nodded as he continued to bite into a delicious Malaysian recipe for sweet and sour fish.
"What's he looking so angry about?" Renfield inquired.
"Apparently His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI didn't invite him to the Inter-Religious Dialogue and Pilgrimage For Peace which is being held in Assisi on October 27th of this year," Amadeus answered, "so Moloch is somewhat upset about that. Eastern Orthodox priests have been invited, Protestant ministers have been invited, Jewish rabbis have been invited, Muslim imams have been invited, Buddhist lamas have been invited and Hindu gurus have been invited. In fact, 200 representatives of various different religious faiths from over 50 countries have been invited. But Moloch wasn't invited."
"Why not?" Renfield bit into a tuna fish sandwich which Athelstan the valet had brought him.
"I don't think demons were invited," Amadeus sampled some of the Malaysian Princess Diyana Aleeya's delicious spaghetti.
"And why the Hell not?" Renfield felt sympathy for Moloch.
"I think it's precisely because of Hell that demons haven't been invited," Amadeus answered.
"I fail to follow such logic," Renfield drew a satanic inverted pentagram into his chocolate cake.
Suddenly Renfield's cell phone emitted a beeping sound.
"Who's that?" Amadeus took a sip of orange juice.
"It's a text message from the demon Moloch," Renfield replied, "he wants to know if he can borrow my creature the Were-Zomb-ire for a few days and get it to attack the Vatican in retaliation for the Pope not inviting him to attend the Assisi Inter-Religious Dialogue and Pilgrimage For Peace."
"And what answer are you giving him, sir?" Athelstan the valet inquired.
"If he can successfully trap the Were-Zomb-ire himself," Renfield replied, "he's welcome to him. So far all the traps I've set up around London to capture the Were-Zomb-ire have failed."
"And what sort of traps have you been using, sir?" Athelstan inquired.
"Giant mouse traps with giant pieces of cheese attached to them," Renfield answered.
"And who suggested that the Were-Zomb-ire likes cheese?" Athelstan looked surprised.
Renfield pointed towards Amadeus.
Athelstan looked quizzically at Amadeus.
"Well," Amadeus shrugged as he bit into a huge block of cheese, "since I like cheese, I thought maybe the Were-Zomb-ire might like cheese as well."
To be continued.
Monday, October 17, 2011
London At Midnight
On the streets of London town
Were-Zomb-ire prowls around
Headless Motorcyclist rides the street
with no head and two left feet
he runs people down
can't stop for half a crown
quite the terror this Halloween
more horror than ever seen.
-A poem written by Dracul Van Helsing
Monday evening October 17th 2011.
Were-Zomb-ire prowls around
Headless Motorcyclist rides the street
with no head and two left feet
he runs people down
can't stop for half a crown
quite the terror this Halloween
more horror than ever seen.
-A poem written by Dracul Van Helsing
Monday evening October 17th 2011.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
The Further Escapades of The Headless Motorcyclist
The body of Jefferson Harley suddenly realized that he couldn't see where he was going as he barreled along on his Harley-Davidson motorcycle.
He thought maybe his hair was too long so he decided to find a barber shop to cut his hair.
His motorcycle crashed through a barber shop and the rotating red and white and blue barber pole ended up atop his neck where his head should have been.
Hm, that rather speedy hair cut didn't seem to help much he figured.
Maybe he should have something to eat.
He crashed through the window of Frankie's Frankfurter Hot Dog Place and the Hot Dog Neon sign ended up atop his neck (where his head should have been) alongside the red and white and blue barber pole.
Having a hot dog didn't seem to help either.
Maybe he should have a beer.
Just one beer wouldn't hurt.
Jefferson Harley's motorcycle crashed through the window of The Duck and Head Pub and took the Buttercup Pale Ale tap off the Buttercup Pale Ale keg with it.
The tap that read Buttercup Pale Ale ended up atop his neck (where his head should have been) alongside the red and white and blue barber pole and the Hot Dog shaped neon sign.
So just as the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow had a pumpkin atop his body instead of his head, so the Headless Motorcyclist of Wakey Meadows had a red and blue and white barber pole and a Hot Dog shaped neon sign and a Buttercup Pale Ale beer tap atop his body instead of his head.
To be continued.
He thought maybe his hair was too long so he decided to find a barber shop to cut his hair.
His motorcycle crashed through a barber shop and the rotating red and white and blue barber pole ended up atop his neck where his head should have been.
Hm, that rather speedy hair cut didn't seem to help much he figured.
Maybe he should have something to eat.
He crashed through the window of Frankie's Frankfurter Hot Dog Place and the Hot Dog Neon sign ended up atop his neck (where his head should have been) alongside the red and white and blue barber pole.
Having a hot dog didn't seem to help either.
Maybe he should have a beer.
Just one beer wouldn't hurt.
Jefferson Harley's motorcycle crashed through the window of The Duck and Head Pub and took the Buttercup Pale Ale tap off the Buttercup Pale Ale keg with it.
The tap that read Buttercup Pale Ale ended up atop his neck (where his head should have been) alongside the red and white and blue barber pole and the Hot Dog shaped neon sign.
So just as the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow had a pumpkin atop his body instead of his head, so the Headless Motorcyclist of Wakey Meadows had a red and blue and white barber pole and a Hot Dog shaped neon sign and a Buttercup Pale Ale beer tap atop his body instead of his head.
To be continued.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)