"Why are you dressed as a tuna fish sandwich?" Amadeus Emanon asked Renfield R. Renfield.
"Because I'm going to a clandestine meeting and I thought it would be a good thing to go disguised," said Renfield, "so I'm going dressed as my favourite food."
"Who are you meeting?" Amadeus asked as he ate a potato chip.
"Dracul Van Helsing," Renfield replied, "to see if we should get together in a secret alliance against the return of both the extraterrestrial vampires Osiris and Quetzalcoatl."
"What's Dracul going dressed as?" Amadeus opened a can of Coke.
"Sherlock Holmes," Renfield answered.
* * *
On the beach, the figure dressed as Sherlock Holmes approached the figure dressed as the tuna fish sandwich.
Just then one of the Nephilim giants (who were mentioned in Genesis Chapter 6 and who were for the most part buried in the depths of earth and sea after the flood of Noah's days) who had been awakened by recent earthquakes in the Pacific rose out of the waters of English Bay.
"A giant tuna fish sandwich," the Nephilim exclaimed, "I haven't had one of those for millenia."
The Nephilim picked up the large tuna fish sandwich which promptly emitted a loud scream sounding much like Renfield R. Renfield screaming.
To be continued.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
The Day After
"In our continuing analysis and statistical breakdown of yesterday's vote," CNN's Anderson Cooper intoned, "among voters who are left-handed and wear pink nail polish on the toenails of their right feet, 52% of them voted for Obama and 48% voted for Romney..."
"I'm surprised that Romney got as high a percentage as he did among people who wear pink nail polish on the toenails of their right feet," Amadeus Emanon said as he ate a peanut butter and jam sandwich.
"It is odd indeed," Renfield admitted as he ate a tuna fish and mermaid sandwich.
* * *
"I've got the feeling that someone just swam over my grave," the mermaid Priyanka said to Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius as she shivered in the waters of English Bay.
* * *
"So what's going to happen now that Obama's been re-elected?" South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan asked Dracul Van Helsing.
The Canadian vampire hunter replied, "Well only time will tell."
* * *
The TIME Magazine head office in New York City was suddenly hit by a Nor'easter snow storm.
To be continued.
"I'm surprised that Romney got as high a percentage as he did among people who wear pink nail polish on the toenails of their right feet," Amadeus Emanon said as he ate a peanut butter and jam sandwich.
"It is odd indeed," Renfield admitted as he ate a tuna fish and mermaid sandwich.
* * *
"I've got the feeling that someone just swam over my grave," the mermaid Priyanka said to Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius as she shivered in the waters of English Bay.
* * *
"So what's going to happen now that Obama's been re-elected?" South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan asked Dracul Van Helsing.
The Canadian vampire hunter replied, "Well only time will tell."
* * *
The TIME Magazine head office in New York City was suddenly hit by a Nor'easter snow storm.
To be continued.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
The Invisible Man- Elusive Swiss Billionaire Lester Mittendorf
The Invisible Man- Elusive Swiss Billionaire Lester Mittendorf
Elusive Swiss billionaire Lester Mittendorf was known to his friends as the Invisible Man.For he was quite literally invisible.
Back in the 1980s he had drunk an invisibility potion that a scientist had made for him.
Unfortunately Mittendorf had forgotten to ask the scientist if he had developed a re-visibility potion.
For the scientist hadn't.
And Mittendorf had been pretty much invisible ever since.
Back in the 1990s, Mittendorf had tried to buy the Edmonton Oilers NHL Hockey Team using a New York based agent.
But because Mittendorf was an invisible financier, the deal fell through.
Now Mittendorf walked along Bourbon Street of Edmonton's West Edmonton Mall.
He had come to Edmonton to see the Edmonton Oilers play hockey- totally oblivious to the fact that there was a labour dispute and a lockout going on so there was no NHL Hockey this season.
Shoot, no NHL hockey game.
No seeing the Oilers- the team he tried to buy.
Mittendorf was sick.
Sick of not owning an NHL Hockey team.
Sick of women he dated telling him, "You never show me your real self."
In short he was sick of being invisible.
There was only one man who could help him become visible again.
A fellow Swiss citizen- Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius.
But Celsius was obsessed with time and space travel and extraterrestrials.
Mittendorf regretted the fact that he had given Celsius a copy of Erich von Daniken's Chariots of the Gods? when he visited the Swiss orphanage at Christmas where Celsius grew up as a boy.
He regretted the fact that one of his companies had been one of the original sponsors of the TV show Ancient Aliens which was Celsius' favourite show.
Celsius had helped develop CERN'S Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland.
Now he was in Vancouver, B.C awaiting the return of the extraterrestrial vampire Osiris at English Bay on December 21st 2012.
Mittendorf would fly to Vancouver and likewise await the return of Osiris.
In the meantime, he'd go back to his hotel room at the Fantasyland Hotel and await the results of the U.S. Presidential election.
To be continued.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Renfield On Guy Fawkes Day
Dr. Celsius Fahrenheit sat on a log by the water and chatted with the mermaid Priyanka- whose upper body and arms were out of the water on to the sand.
Suddenly they noticed a bon fire light up on the other side of the beach.
"I wonder what's going on?" Priyanka asked.
"That individual seems to be burning someone in effigy," said Celsius, "it must be a Brit. I believe today is Guy Fawkes Day."
"That's right," Priyanka nodded.
Dr. Celsius looked through his binoculars, "I think it's the notorious Renfield R. Renfield who always makes the Freud's 500 List of Well-Dressed Psychopaths every year."
"Renfield R. Renfield?" Priyanka gasped, "He is a psychopath. I hear he enjoys eating mermaid and tuna fish sandwiches. Hundreds of my sisters have been killed just to satisfy his culinary desires."
"He's also Chief of Security and Cyber-Intelligence for the London-based Egyptian vampire Set who's Osiris' evil brother," Celsius turned white in the dark of night, "I wonder if he's found out that English Bay will be the place that Osiris arrives from Sirius on December 21st of this year."
"Great heavens," Priyanka spat out out her seaweed chewing gum in shock.
Near the bon fire, a man with silver hair and glasses approached Renfield.
"Do you have a license for this bon fire?" the man demanded to know.
Renfield pulled out a gun and shot the man dead.
And that's how Renfield celebrated Guy Fawkes Day 2012.
To be continued.
Suddenly they noticed a bon fire light up on the other side of the beach.
"I wonder what's going on?" Priyanka asked.
"That individual seems to be burning someone in effigy," said Celsius, "it must be a Brit. I believe today is Guy Fawkes Day."
"That's right," Priyanka nodded.
Dr. Celsius looked through his binoculars, "I think it's the notorious Renfield R. Renfield who always makes the Freud's 500 List of Well-Dressed Psychopaths every year."
"Renfield R. Renfield?" Priyanka gasped, "He is a psychopath. I hear he enjoys eating mermaid and tuna fish sandwiches. Hundreds of my sisters have been killed just to satisfy his culinary desires."
"He's also Chief of Security and Cyber-Intelligence for the London-based Egyptian vampire Set who's Osiris' evil brother," Celsius turned white in the dark of night, "I wonder if he's found out that English Bay will be the place that Osiris arrives from Sirius on December 21st of this year."
"Great heavens," Priyanka spat out out her seaweed chewing gum in shock.
Near the bon fire, a man with silver hair and glasses approached Renfield.
"Do you have a license for this bon fire?" the man demanded to know.
Renfield pulled out a gun and shot the man dead.
And that's how Renfield celebrated Guy Fawkes Day 2012.
To be continued.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
The Mermaid of English Bay
Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celius sat on the huge rock overlooking English Bay not far from the entrance to Vancouver's Stanley Park.
As he sat there, a mermaid rose out of the waters to speak to him.
It was his friend Priyanka.
Priyanka had spent most of her life swimming the waters of the Indian Ocean just off India.
But then she had fallen in love with a dashing young mortal sea captain- Captain Ahab Albatross Mariner Singh.
She had swam after his ship The Taj Mahal of the Seas when it sailed to Canada.
Tragically, the ship struck a rock on the B.C. coast because the lighthouse that had been there for years had been shut down due to cutbacks in spending from the Canadian Federal government.
More lighthouse closures on B.C.'s coast had also been announced this year by the Canadian Federal Government.
No doubt Canada's West Coast would soon be swarming with mermaids pining for their mortal lovers who had been killed in shipwrecks as a result of the lighthouse closures.
"A penny for your thoughts?" she asked the scientist.
Dr. Celsius laughed.
Because the Canadian Federal Government had announced the abolition of the penny as a coin of this particular Dominion realm of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
So in effect, Priyanka was unintentionally implying that his thoughts were worth nothing.
Priyanka suddenly dove back into the sea.
Dr. Celsius was wondering what was up.
He then looked up and noticed a stranger walking along this stretch of the Seawall path and walking trail.
"Was that a Bollywood actress swimming in the water that I just saw?" the stranger inquired.
"She probably could be a Bollywood actress if she didn't have fins," Dr. Celsius replied.
The stranger looked at him as if he were nuts and continued walking.
To be continued.
As he sat there, a mermaid rose out of the waters to speak to him.
It was his friend Priyanka.
Priyanka had spent most of her life swimming the waters of the Indian Ocean just off India.
But then she had fallen in love with a dashing young mortal sea captain- Captain Ahab Albatross Mariner Singh.
She had swam after his ship The Taj Mahal of the Seas when it sailed to Canada.
Tragically, the ship struck a rock on the B.C. coast because the lighthouse that had been there for years had been shut down due to cutbacks in spending from the Canadian Federal government.
More lighthouse closures on B.C.'s coast had also been announced this year by the Canadian Federal Government.
No doubt Canada's West Coast would soon be swarming with mermaids pining for their mortal lovers who had been killed in shipwrecks as a result of the lighthouse closures.
"A penny for your thoughts?" she asked the scientist.
Dr. Celsius laughed.
Because the Canadian Federal Government had announced the abolition of the penny as a coin of this particular Dominion realm of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
So in effect, Priyanka was unintentionally implying that his thoughts were worth nothing.
Priyanka suddenly dove back into the sea.
Dr. Celsius was wondering what was up.
He then looked up and noticed a stranger walking along this stretch of the Seawall path and walking trail.
"Was that a Bollywood actress swimming in the water that I just saw?" the stranger inquired.
"She probably could be a Bollywood actress if she didn't have fins," Dr. Celsius replied.
The stranger looked at him as if he were nuts and continued walking.
To be continued.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Swiss Scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius
World famous Swiss scientist and inventor Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius now lived in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.
He had left Switzerland earlier this year after he had disintegrated his home chalet on Lake Geneva when he tried to re-enact one of the great Serbian-American inventor Nikola Tesla's experiments using laser technology.
Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius had been raised in a Swiss orphanage.
He had been placed on the steps of the orphanage when he was about 2 years old.
He was called Fahrenheit Celsius because of his constant compulsion to sit down and write conversions of temperatures from Fahrenheit to Celsius and vice-versa on the walls of the orphanage.
According to a Julian Assange Fan Club website, Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius was in contact with extraterrestrials and was using extraterrestrial technology in his research.
On the beach at English Bay, Dr. Celsius was on the beach listening with headphones to a sea shell.
Dr. Celsius tapped on the sea shell as if he was sending a telegraph message.
The scientist spoke into the sea shell, "Osiris on Planet 9X20 in the stellar system of Sirius. Are you there? Osiris on Planet 9X20 in the stellar system of Sirius. Are you there?".
To be continued.
He had left Switzerland earlier this year after he had disintegrated his home chalet on Lake Geneva when he tried to re-enact one of the great Serbian-American inventor Nikola Tesla's experiments using laser technology.
Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius had been raised in a Swiss orphanage.
He had been placed on the steps of the orphanage when he was about 2 years old.
He was called Fahrenheit Celsius because of his constant compulsion to sit down and write conversions of temperatures from Fahrenheit to Celsius and vice-versa on the walls of the orphanage.
According to a Julian Assange Fan Club website, Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius was in contact with extraterrestrials and was using extraterrestrial technology in his research.
On the beach at English Bay, Dr. Celsius was on the beach listening with headphones to a sea shell.
Dr. Celsius tapped on the sea shell as if he was sending a telegraph message.
The scientist spoke into the sea shell, "Osiris on Planet 9X20 in the stellar system of Sirius. Are you there? Osiris on Planet 9X20 in the stellar system of Sirius. Are you there?".
To be continued.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Naga Munchetty and The Vampire Hunter
BBC News Anchorwoman and Interviewer Naga Munchetty sat on the hotel sofa in front of the camera.
She was wearing a cream coloured wool sweater, a tight pink skirt, red silk nylons and pink spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.
Sitting next to her on the sofa was Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing who was dressed like Raymond Chandler's fictional 1940s private eye Philip Marlowe.
"So Mr. Van Helsing," Naga spoke, "there's a connection between some vampires and extraterrestrials?".
"That is correct," Dracul nodded, "for example the ancient Egyptian vampire Osiris inhabits a planet in the star system of Sirius where he was exiled under terms of a black magic spell cast by his evil brother Set who is also a vampire- one who's currently undead and well and living in London."
"I understand Set has eaten fish and chips with British Prime Minister David Cameron at 10 Downing Street," Naga smiled.
"I've heard those rumours as well," Dracul acknowledged.
"What about the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl?" Naga inquired.
"He was exiled to Saturn's moon Titan under a black magic spell cast by Osiris' wife the Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis," Van Helsing explained, "his spiritual god daughter the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec celebrated Dia de Los Muertos in Mexico City today where she performed a human sacrifice. She then formally endorsed Republican Mitt Romney as her choice for President of the United States."
"Don't Mormons believe that Quetzalcoatl and Christ are one and the same being?" Naga inquired.
"That is correct," Van Helsing answered.
At that moment, the door of the hotel room burst open and there stood Renfield R. Renfield who took a quick photo with a flash camera.
"Shoot," Renfield quipped when he looked around the room, "I was told by an anonymous tipster that I'd find vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing making out with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec in this room."
"Well, you've really got egg on your face now," Naga laughed.
At that moment the hotel porter entered carrying a tray with a late evening brunch that Naga and Dracul had ordered.
The porter tripped over Renfield's long hamster tail that was starting to show as a result of the shapeshifting hamster/human's growing embarassment and an eggs benedict went off the tray landing on Renfield's face.
"I agree with your last statement, Naga," Van Helsing laughed.
"So Dracul, should we start making out," Naga uncrossed her legs and started smoothing her skirt, "so this will get the egg off Renfield's face?".
"Sounds like a good idea to me," Dracul smiled.
Renfield started peeling eggs benedict off his face.
To be continued.
She was wearing a cream coloured wool sweater, a tight pink skirt, red silk nylons and pink spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.
Sitting next to her on the sofa was Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing who was dressed like Raymond Chandler's fictional 1940s private eye Philip Marlowe.
"So Mr. Van Helsing," Naga spoke, "there's a connection between some vampires and extraterrestrials?".
"That is correct," Dracul nodded, "for example the ancient Egyptian vampire Osiris inhabits a planet in the star system of Sirius where he was exiled under terms of a black magic spell cast by his evil brother Set who is also a vampire- one who's currently undead and well and living in London."
"I understand Set has eaten fish and chips with British Prime Minister David Cameron at 10 Downing Street," Naga smiled.
"I've heard those rumours as well," Dracul acknowledged.
"What about the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl?" Naga inquired.
"He was exiled to Saturn's moon Titan under a black magic spell cast by Osiris' wife the Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis," Van Helsing explained, "his spiritual god daughter the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec celebrated Dia de Los Muertos in Mexico City today where she performed a human sacrifice. She then formally endorsed Republican Mitt Romney as her choice for President of the United States."
"Don't Mormons believe that Quetzalcoatl and Christ are one and the same being?" Naga inquired.
"That is correct," Van Helsing answered.
At that moment, the door of the hotel room burst open and there stood Renfield R. Renfield who took a quick photo with a flash camera.
"Shoot," Renfield quipped when he looked around the room, "I was told by an anonymous tipster that I'd find vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing making out with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec in this room."
"Well, you've really got egg on your face now," Naga laughed.
At that moment the hotel porter entered carrying a tray with a late evening brunch that Naga and Dracul had ordered.
The porter tripped over Renfield's long hamster tail that was starting to show as a result of the shapeshifting hamster/human's growing embarassment and an eggs benedict went off the tray landing on Renfield's face.
"I agree with your last statement, Naga," Van Helsing laughed.
"So Dracul, should we start making out," Naga uncrossed her legs and started smoothing her skirt, "so this will get the egg off Renfield's face?".
"Sounds like a good idea to me," Dracul smiled.
Renfield started peeling eggs benedict off his face.
To be continued.
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