Is The U. S. Spying On German Chancellor Angela Merkel's Mobile Phone?
"The United States is not monitoring and will not monitor the communications of the Chancellor," White House spokesman Jay Carney told the media assembled in the White House briefing room.
. . .
"That's very true," Renfield R. Renfield said as he looked at the TV screen.
The shapeshifting hamster/human chief of security for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set suddenly noticed a red button light up in the computer monitoring room he was in at Set's colossal West London mansion.
"Ah, another call coming in," Renfield smiled.
Renfield put on his headphones.
It was Russian President Vladimir Putin phoning the German Chancellor asking on behalf of the Kremlin chef if he could have Mrs. Merkel's personal recipe for homemade German sausages and sauerkraut.
Mrs. Merkel gave the Russian President the recipe.
When the conversation ended, Renfield stopped the recording.
Since he could not speak German himself, Renfield phoned a lusty, sexy and voluptuous blonde German dominatrix he often visited whenever he was in Berlin.
Renfield played the recording for Helga.
Helga translated.
Renfield wrote everything down.
He then phoned the NSA (U.S. National Security Agency) in Washington D.C. and passed on the pertinent information.
"It's fun being a freelancer now and again," Renfield smiled as he looked at his cheque from the U.S. government.
He better hurry out and cash it down at the bank just on the off-chance that the U.S. Congress might do something extraordinarily stupid in the next 24 hours and send the American economy into a tailspin and dry up U.S. government revenues.
. . .
America's First Lady Michelle Obama was on the phone talking to the White House chef making final arrangements for a special upcoming dinner at the White House.
"Oh and one more thing," Mrs. Obama looked at the piece of paper in front of her, "I just got this new recipe for homemade German sausages and sauerkraut..."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 23rd
2013
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Pan Goatee's VISA Commercial
Pan Goatee's VISA Commercial
Genetically created half-man half-goat satyr Pan Goatee was now doing TV commercials for VISA.
"Hello," Pan Goatee was shown suntanning on a sun chair on a tropical beach holding a lime margarita with a cute little umbrella in it, "sometimes you never know when your life is going to change. Earlier this year I was a serial killer wanted by Scotland Yard, Interpol and Europol for all the murders I committed across Britain and Europe. Today I work as a hired assassin for the U. S. government."
Pan Goatee takes a sip of his Margarita and grins at the camera.
"I find that my ability to astral project is quite handy in my line of work," Pan Goatee finishes his Margarita, "but one thing I found to be a pain in the butt is not every credit card has the ability to astral project with me. So that's why I always take VISA."
Pan Goatee smiles as he holds up a VISA Gold credit card with his name PAN GOATEE written on it.
Voice of actor Morgan Freeman at the end of the commercial, "Wherever you have to go in the universe, always go with VISA."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 9th
2013
Genetically created half-man half-goat satyr Pan Goatee was now doing TV commercials for VISA.
"Hello," Pan Goatee was shown suntanning on a sun chair on a tropical beach holding a lime margarita with a cute little umbrella in it, "sometimes you never know when your life is going to change. Earlier this year I was a serial killer wanted by Scotland Yard, Interpol and Europol for all the murders I committed across Britain and Europe. Today I work as a hired assassin for the U. S. government."
Pan Goatee takes a sip of his Margarita and grins at the camera.
"I find that my ability to astral project is quite handy in my line of work," Pan Goatee finishes his Margarita, "but one thing I found to be a pain in the butt is not every credit card has the ability to astral project with me. So that's why I always take VISA."
Pan Goatee smiles as he holds up a VISA Gold credit card with his name PAN GOATEE written on it.
Voice of actor Morgan Freeman at the end of the commercial, "Wherever you have to go in the universe, always go with VISA."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 9th
2013
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Pan Goatee Living The High Life
Pan Goatee Living The High Life
Pan Goatee was living the high life in a penthouse apartment in Washington D. C.
Two months ago he had been detained by Egyptian customs authorities in Cairo for not having a valid visa.
So he took out his astral machete and killed them all.
Hearing of this, DARPA employee Jack Jarvis who had been assigned to track down the astral projecting serial killer immediately flew to Egypt.
Finding Pan Goatee atop the Great Pyramid where he was asking "Where's the Capstone?", Jarvis asked him to come work for the U.S. government as a hired assassin carrying out targeted killings on behalf of dear old Uncle Sam.
Pan Goatee agreed.
So now here he was living the high life living in a penthouse apartment with a great view of the Potomac and being paid an obscenely luxurious salary carrying out targeted killings and assassinations for the U.S. government.
Even better he was still being paid that salary despite the U. S. government shutdown that had occurred today since being a hired assassin astral projecting killer was deemed an essential service by the government.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 1st 2013
Pan Goatee was living the high life in a penthouse apartment in Washington D. C.
Two months ago he had been detained by Egyptian customs authorities in Cairo for not having a valid visa.
So he took out his astral machete and killed them all.
Hearing of this, DARPA employee Jack Jarvis who had been assigned to track down the astral projecting serial killer immediately flew to Egypt.
Finding Pan Goatee atop the Great Pyramid where he was asking "Where's the Capstone?", Jarvis asked him to come work for the U.S. government as a hired assassin carrying out targeted killings on behalf of dear old Uncle Sam.
Pan Goatee agreed.
So now here he was living the high life living in a penthouse apartment with a great view of the Potomac and being paid an obscenely luxurious salary carrying out targeted killings and assassinations for the U.S. government.
Even better he was still being paid that salary despite the U. S. government shutdown that had occurred today since being a hired assassin astral projecting killer was deemed an essential service by the government.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 1st 2013
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Renfield and Amadeus Go Swimming
Renfield and Amadeus Go Swimming
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 28th 2013
Renfield and Amadeus had been given a day off work by their boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
They decided to spend it inside an indoor Olympic sized swimming pool in London.
As they entered the pool, Amadeus asked Renfield, "What style of swim do you think I should try first?".
"The back stroke," Renfield suggested.
Amadeus swam to the far end of the pool doing the back stroke.
Then he swam back to where Renfield was- likewise doing the back stroke.
"Now," Renfield asked Amadeus, "what style of swim do you think I should try first?".
"The breast stroke," Amadeus suggested.
"I was thinking the same thing myself," Renfield smiled as he looked around the pool.
Renfield swam out to the middle of the pool.
Then he swam over to where a pair of bikini clad beautiful women were treading water.
Suddenly one of the women screamed.
Seconds later she slapped Renfield's face.
Renfield swam back to Amadeus.
"That breast stroke didn't work out so well," Renfield informed Amadeus.
To be continued.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Renfield's Lottery Ticket
Renfield's Lottery Ticket
The Greek vampire Zeus had a problem on his hands.
Ever since Cerberus had abandoned his guard post on the River Styx, hundreds of thousands of ghosts had fled the Underworld of Hades and were now causing havoc on the Earth above.
Zeus had even received a nasty email from the President of the World Atheist Association threatening legal action and complaining that many of his members were undergoing post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of having to re-evaluate their belief in the non-existence of the afterlife.
The trouble had been caused millennia ago by a boast that his brother Hades had made to his brother Poseidon.
The pair had been discussing mortal lotteries and Hades had boasted that there was one series of numbers that no mortal would ever pick.
Poseidon had disagreed.
And Hades said if any mortal picked them, then quote, "May my loyal faithful Cerberus abandon his post on the River Styx and the souls of the departed depart the Underworld."
No mortal had picked them until the shapeshifting hamster/human Renfield R. Renfield had done so.
The numbers entered his mind shortly after he had gunned down a pompous arrogant American millionaire as the latter was entering a Rolls-Royce limousine outside a London restaurant.
The only way the decree of Hades could be reversed was if the said mortal would reverse the numerals of each two digit number he used in his lottery pick and play those numbers.
However the said Renfield kept winning £300 a week by playing those numbers and was unlikely to stop playing those numbers while he was on a roll (like so much golden butter).
And so the Greek vampire Zeus spent the past while pulling his hair and beard out while he tried to think up a solution.
Not relishing a future as a bald and beardless vampiric immortal (fearing this might put an end to his ability to attract mortal women and end his Bill Clintonesque and Jack Kennedyesque style dalliances with them), he turned to his daughter the Greek vampiress Athena for advice as she always seemed to be full of wisdom.
Athena suggested that Zeus send Aphrodite to work her charms on Renfield for as Athena pointed out quoting Vincent Price, "For no mere mortal can resist the evil of the Thriller."
The Thriller was the nickname given to Aphrodite among the gods of Olympus.
The "evil of the Thriller" was the euphemism given to Aphrodite's sensual charms among the goddesses of Olympus.
. . .
And it came to pass that Aphrodite went unto Renfield R. Renfield to convince him to reverse the digits of some of his numerals on his winning lottery ticket that he had been using the past month.
And what transpired when the sensual vampiress Aphrodite came unto Renfield as the Boney M. lyrics Nightflight To Venus played in the background?
Well to sum it up in one sentence as Great Caesar's ghost put it when he saw it, "She came, he saw, he came, she conquered."
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 13th 2013
The Greek vampire Zeus had a problem on his hands.
Ever since Cerberus had abandoned his guard post on the River Styx, hundreds of thousands of ghosts had fled the Underworld of Hades and were now causing havoc on the Earth above.
Zeus had even received a nasty email from the President of the World Atheist Association threatening legal action and complaining that many of his members were undergoing post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of having to re-evaluate their belief in the non-existence of the afterlife.
The trouble had been caused millennia ago by a boast that his brother Hades had made to his brother Poseidon.
The pair had been discussing mortal lotteries and Hades had boasted that there was one series of numbers that no mortal would ever pick.
Poseidon had disagreed.
And Hades said if any mortal picked them, then quote, "May my loyal faithful Cerberus abandon his post on the River Styx and the souls of the departed depart the Underworld."
No mortal had picked them until the shapeshifting hamster/human Renfield R. Renfield had done so.
The numbers entered his mind shortly after he had gunned down a pompous arrogant American millionaire as the latter was entering a Rolls-Royce limousine outside a London restaurant.
The only way the decree of Hades could be reversed was if the said mortal would reverse the numerals of each two digit number he used in his lottery pick and play those numbers.
However the said Renfield kept winning £300 a week by playing those numbers and was unlikely to stop playing those numbers while he was on a roll (like so much golden butter).
And so the Greek vampire Zeus spent the past while pulling his hair and beard out while he tried to think up a solution.
Not relishing a future as a bald and beardless vampiric immortal (fearing this might put an end to his ability to attract mortal women and end his Bill Clintonesque and Jack Kennedyesque style dalliances with them), he turned to his daughter the Greek vampiress Athena for advice as she always seemed to be full of wisdom.
Athena suggested that Zeus send Aphrodite to work her charms on Renfield for as Athena pointed out quoting Vincent Price, "For no mere mortal can resist the evil of the Thriller."
The Thriller was the nickname given to Aphrodite among the gods of Olympus.
The "evil of the Thriller" was the euphemism given to Aphrodite's sensual charms among the goddesses of Olympus.
. . .
And it came to pass that Aphrodite went unto Renfield R. Renfield to convince him to reverse the digits of some of his numerals on his winning lottery ticket that he had been using the past month.
And what transpired when the sensual vampiress Aphrodite came unto Renfield as the Boney M. lyrics Nightflight To Venus played in the background?
Well to sum it up in one sentence as Great Caesar's ghost put it when he saw it, "She came, he saw, he came, she conquered."
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 13th 2013
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Vampiress Isis Throws Temper Tantrum
Vampiress Isis Throws Temper Tantrum
The Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis (sister and sister-in-law to the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set) was having a temper tantrum when she heard the news that Pope Francis was going to consecrate the world to the Immaculate Heart of Mary this coming October 13th.
To add insult to injury, the famous Pilgrim Statue of Our Lady of Fatima would be in Rome on the dates October 12th to 13th on hand for the Consecration.
Isis' English butler and valet Cedarman tried to console his mistress but she threw a spiked stiletto high-heeled shoe at him.
"Well there goes an old Christmas gift given to my lady from former Philippines First Lady Imelda Marcos," Cedarman thought to himself.
"Why? Why? Why?" Isis sobbed causing her ancient Egyptian mascara to flow down both cheeks in a seeming parting of a blue sea as opposed to a Red Sea, "is Pope Francis consecrating the world to Mary instead of to me? I'm the Queen of the Cosmos... not that... that... that... that virgin." She spat out the word putting a nasty stain on her 50,000 euro handmade Persian carpet.
"Well," Cedarman soothed, "according to a certain variety of Fundamentalist Protestant, you and the Virgin Mary are one and the same, the Pope is the Antichrist and the Catholic Church is the Whore of Babylon."
"I don't care what those idiots think," Isis bit her vampiric fangs down on her lip causing her lips to bleed adding further stains to her 50,000 Euro Persian carpet, "I am not the same as the Mother of Jesus. She is called the Blessed Virgin Mary and the Blessed Mother."
Isis threw her other Imelda Marcos given spiked stiletto high heeled shoe at Cedarman.
"She prophesied to her cousin Elizabeth that behold from henceforth, all generations would call her blessed," Isis shrieked, "if she's blessed, what does that make me?".
"Shoeless perhaps?" Cedarman held up one of Imelda Marcos' gifts that had been thrown at him.
The lovely, shapely and highly attractive vampiress took off her lavender coloured evening dress and tried to strangle Cedarman with it.
Peering at the spectacle through his high-powered binoculars, the Paris police detective (who had been ordered by his superiors to watch the vampiress' apartment the past few nights) started to hyperventilate with excitement.
As Saddam Hussein's ghost observed and commented, it was the mother of all climaxes.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 16th
2013.
The Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis (sister and sister-in-law to the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set) was having a temper tantrum when she heard the news that Pope Francis was going to consecrate the world to the Immaculate Heart of Mary this coming October 13th.
To add insult to injury, the famous Pilgrim Statue of Our Lady of Fatima would be in Rome on the dates October 12th to 13th on hand for the Consecration.
Isis' English butler and valet Cedarman tried to console his mistress but she threw a spiked stiletto high-heeled shoe at him.
"Well there goes an old Christmas gift given to my lady from former Philippines First Lady Imelda Marcos," Cedarman thought to himself.
"Why? Why? Why?" Isis sobbed causing her ancient Egyptian mascara to flow down both cheeks in a seeming parting of a blue sea as opposed to a Red Sea, "is Pope Francis consecrating the world to Mary instead of to me? I'm the Queen of the Cosmos... not that... that... that... that virgin." She spat out the word putting a nasty stain on her 50,000 euro handmade Persian carpet.
"Well," Cedarman soothed, "according to a certain variety of Fundamentalist Protestant, you and the Virgin Mary are one and the same, the Pope is the Antichrist and the Catholic Church is the Whore of Babylon."
"I don't care what those idiots think," Isis bit her vampiric fangs down on her lip causing her lips to bleed adding further stains to her 50,000 Euro Persian carpet, "I am not the same as the Mother of Jesus. She is called the Blessed Virgin Mary and the Blessed Mother."
Isis threw her other Imelda Marcos given spiked stiletto high heeled shoe at Cedarman.
"She prophesied to her cousin Elizabeth that behold from henceforth, all generations would call her blessed," Isis shrieked, "if she's blessed, what does that make me?".
"Shoeless perhaps?" Cedarman held up one of Imelda Marcos' gifts that had been thrown at him.
The lovely, shapely and highly attractive vampiress took off her lavender coloured evening dress and tried to strangle Cedarman with it.
Peering at the spectacle through his high-powered binoculars, the Paris police detective (who had been ordered by his superiors to watch the vampiress' apartment the past few nights) started to hyperventilate with excitement.
As Saddam Hussein's ghost observed and commented, it was the mother of all climaxes.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 16th
2013.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Napoleon's 244th Birthday and The Ghosts of Antiochus Epiphanes and Alexander The Great
Napoleon's 244th Birthday and The Ghosts of Antiochus Epiphanes and Alexander The Great
As ghosts continued to leave Hades by the thousands after Cerberus abandoned his post at the River Styx (the 3-headed dog was currently frolicking on a Mexican beach drinking Mexican Bulldogs which was a combination of Margarita and Corona beer and then complaining about the bill since all 3 heads were imbibing) , the ghost of Antiochus Epiphanes was walking the streets of Damascus and looking at all the carnage and said, "Well if people really want, I'll gladly become King of Syria again."
At the moment he spoke those words, a small but powerful tremor shook the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.
. . .
At the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, the ghosts of Alexander The Great, his generals and his soldiers had taken over the facility.
For Alexander being the great genius he was with his strategic frame of mind and tactical insight had realized that by taking over the CERN Large Hadron Collider, he could make himself the Master of Time and thus the Master of the Universe.
. . .
The ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte had taken over Magog Rhys Petley's hotel room in Cairo much to the British Labour MP's displeasure.
Magog had gone out to see what cheap souvenirs he could pick up at the neighbourhood bazaar.
Napoleon decided to mark his 244th birthday which was today by having a bunch of harem style dancing girls dancing for him in the hotel room.
He had also ordered a cake personally baked for him by world famous Toronto Ontario based cake maker Joanna Lo the Caking Girl (made in the shape of the City of Paris) .
He also had 244 candles placed on the cake by one of the dancing girls and then another dancing girl (with a low-cut top) bent over to light them all.
Napoleon's ghost then made a wish (which was to rule the world) and then tried to blow out all 244 candles.
But seeing as how Napoleon was now spirit, he could not blow out physical objects.
A huge fire broke out in the hotel room.
. . .
Authorities blamed the hotel fire on the Muslim Brotherhood and used that as an excuse for rounding up and arresting more members.
Magog consoled himself by licking the lovely yet slightly singed breasts of a beautiful woman who said her breasts were singed when she had to light 244 candles on a birthday cake.
To be continued.
- A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 15th
2013.
As ghosts continued to leave Hades by the thousands after Cerberus abandoned his post at the River Styx (the 3-headed dog was currently frolicking on a Mexican beach drinking Mexican Bulldogs which was a combination of Margarita and Corona beer and then complaining about the bill since all 3 heads were imbibing) , the ghost of Antiochus Epiphanes was walking the streets of Damascus and looking at all the carnage and said, "Well if people really want, I'll gladly become King of Syria again."
At the moment he spoke those words, a small but powerful tremor shook the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.
. . .
At the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, the ghosts of Alexander The Great, his generals and his soldiers had taken over the facility.
For Alexander being the great genius he was with his strategic frame of mind and tactical insight had realized that by taking over the CERN Large Hadron Collider, he could make himself the Master of Time and thus the Master of the Universe.
. . .
The ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte had taken over Magog Rhys Petley's hotel room in Cairo much to the British Labour MP's displeasure.
Magog had gone out to see what cheap souvenirs he could pick up at the neighbourhood bazaar.
Napoleon decided to mark his 244th birthday which was today by having a bunch of harem style dancing girls dancing for him in the hotel room.
He had also ordered a cake personally baked for him by world famous Toronto Ontario based cake maker Joanna Lo the Caking Girl (made in the shape of the City of Paris) .
He also had 244 candles placed on the cake by one of the dancing girls and then another dancing girl (with a low-cut top) bent over to light them all.
Napoleon's ghost then made a wish (which was to rule the world) and then tried to blow out all 244 candles.
But seeing as how Napoleon was now spirit, he could not blow out physical objects.
A huge fire broke out in the hotel room.
. . .
Authorities blamed the hotel fire on the Muslim Brotherhood and used that as an excuse for rounding up and arresting more members.
Magog consoled himself by licking the lovely yet slightly singed breasts of a beautiful woman who said her breasts were singed when she had to light 244 candles on a birthday cake.
To be continued.
- A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 15th
2013.
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