Sunday Evening At The Wax Museum

Angelique Dumont stood outside the Price Atwill Wax Museum in West London.

She was wearing a white evening dress and white leather gloves.

The Price Atwill Wax Museum was open on Sunday evenings in the summer and although it wasn't officially summer yet (that was another two weeks away), the museum's owners generally opened the museum 7 evenings a week starting on June 1st and then went back to 6 evenings a week after the Feast of Michaelmass in September.

She was waiting for her escort Amadeus Emanon, a rather shy young man who faithfully attended every Friday and Saturday evening performance of The Phantom of the Opera when she was singing the role of Christine a couple of years ago.

She hadn't seen him for a while.

She found him blubbering away in an all-night cafe a few evenings ago visibly upset and distraught over the destruction of his Mickey Mouse watch by an acquaintance of his.

She had invited him to visit the Wax Museum with her tonight.

She was intrigued by rumours about the Wax Museum's Chamber of Horrors exhibit in the basement.

There were rumours circulating throughout the vampiric netherworld (for Angelique Dumont was a vampiress- she had been turned into a vampiress in a New Orleans cemetery back in the summer of 2005 when Hurricane Katrina's floodwaters had hit the cemetery where she was visiting her family's crypt to tell her ancestors that she was a young woman officially dying of cancer. She had been turned into a vampiress on request by the obliging Spanish vampire pianist Manuel de Rivera y Vargas who happened to be flying through the cemetery at the time) that the spirit of Jack the Ripper had been released from Hell and had taken possession of the wax effigy of the Ripper figure in the Museum's Chamber of Horrors.

Even though numerous Church of England clergymen and bishops had been preaching sermons the past few weeks that there was no such place as Hell and therefore no stock should be put in these rumours, crowds continued to visit the Wax Museum's Chamber of Horrors anyways.

Far more than the small, aging and grey-haired half dozen people who snored through Church of England sermons in local parishes every Sunday.

Angelique longed to see the wax effigy of Jack The Ripper for herself.

Despite being a vampiress, she was a little uneasy about visiting the Wax Museum's Chamber of Horrors on her own.

That is why she had invited Amadeus Emanon to be her escort this evening.

"Angelique?" she heard a voice behind her.

She turned and there stood Amadeus Emanon. It was funny how much Amadeus looked like a young Alan Rickman she thought to herself.

Inside the basement of the Wax Museum, an angry snort was heard.

It was the wax effigy of Jack the Ripper.

It could smell the scent of another mass murderer somewhere in the vicinity.

Somewhere in the vicinity lurked the smell of California mass murderer Charles Manson.

The Ripper growled. He was the greatest murderer of all time not Charles Manson.

To be continued.

Murders At The Wax Museum

There's a street in West London where a wax museum stands
wax effegies of celebrities and members of rock bands
but the most popular is below the ground floor
the exhibit they call Chamber of Horror
there Jack the Ripper walks
he prowls, prances and stalks
seeking victims galore.
"The horror! The horror!"
so says Marlon Brando
speaking on the top floor.


-A horror poem written by
Dracul Van Helsing
Tuesday. June 2nd, 2009

Ode To The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

It's so neat
on Fleet
the street
when the Demon Barber shaves
no need for raves
ecstasy is in his blade
see the blood cascade
Sweeney Todd is such a cool cat
And you?
You're a dead rat.


-A horror poem
written by Dracul Van Helsing
Monday, June 1st, 2009

Mickey Mouse and Cats

And so it came to pass that when the millionaire (and formerly billionaire) ancient Egyptian vampire Set discovered that Amadeus Emanon's Mickey Mouse watch (which he was mailed as a gift several weeks ago) happened to have listening devices in it that were relaying information to the International Federation of Vampire Hunters that Set did order the shapeshifting hamster/human Renfield R. Renfield to destroy the watch.

And Renfield did so.

And Amadeus wept.

Meanwhile Dracul Van Helsing was trying to help the Italian brunette vampiress he had encountered in a lighthouse several weeks ago to regain her memory.

He did so by playing a YouTube video of Susan Boyle singing the song Memory from the musical Cats.

"No, I don't ever recall being a cat and walking down back alleys of the street in the moonlight," the vampiress said.

To be continued.

Larry King Interviews Dracul Van Helsing

Larry King: Our guest tonight was to have been South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan who this past weekend slew a vampiric wild boar on a central Alberta hog farm. This vampiric wild boar was believed by some authorities (namely fans of the Coast To Coast AM radio program on the Paranormal hosted by George Noory) to have been the one responsible for spreading the H1N1 virus among both pigs and humans. But Hyung couldn't be with us this evening... so instead we have a close friend of Hyung's... the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing...

Dracul Van Helsing: Nice to be here, Larry...

Larry: Perhaps you could tell our audience why Hyung couldn't be with us this evening...

Dracul Van Helsing: Certainly. As you know, North Korea's madman Stalinist despot Kim Jong-il (a term that MIT's emeritus Marxist self-styled synarcho-anarchist windbag and gasbag Noam Chomsky would no doubt find personally offensive) has conducted a major underground atomic test yesterday and a missile launch today. So Hyung has gone home at this time to be with her family, her people and her homeland in this time of impending crisis that's hovering over the Korean peninsula.

Larry: And of course the thoughts and prayers of the American people are with her tonight...

Dracul: I'll pass that message on to Hyung, Larry.

Larry: Thanks Dracul. So who do you think was behind the creation of this vampiric wild boar that was spreading the H1N1 virus?

Dracul: Well despite the fact that it originated in Mexico, the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec swore on an oath to Quetzalcoatl that she wasn't the one behind it. And the millionaire (and formerly billionaire) ancient Egyptian vampire Set in London wasn't behind it. In fact, from what I've heard from various sources, Set's hopes for a financial recovery of his fortunes went down with one of his employee's investments in the Alberta hog industry which went down after an Alberta hog herd was found to have come down with the swine flu now called H1N1 virus...

The millionaire and formerly billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set is watching the Larry King Show live via satellite in London.

"How," Set seethed, "did Dracul Van Helsing find out about the state of my financial affairs?".

"There must be a leak somewhere, sir," Athelstan his personal valet and proper English gentleman answered.

"A leak?" Set went ballistic, "And where is Amadeus as we speak?".

"He's taking a piss," Renfield answered.

To be continued.

Hockey and Pork Barbecue Night In Canada

(Scene: 1st Intermission period of Hockey Night In Canada, Saturday, May 23rd, 2009)

(Ron MacLean and Don Cherry are standing on a central Alberta pig farm with a huge barbecue going on in the background)

Don: I'm not going to talk about the game tonight. We all know what a great player Sidney Crosby is and if you don't know what a great player Sidney Crosby is, you're probably either a member of the Taliban or the NDP...

Ron: Why are you wearing images of Porky Pig on your neck tie?

Don: That's a very good question. There are two reasons why I'm wearing Porky Pig on my necktie:
#1. Porky Pig is a swell guy. A great cartoon character. No question. The only cartoon character better than Porky Pig is Bugs Bunny...

Ron: You think Bugs Bunny is the best cartoon character around?

Don: Of course. When he says, what's up doc?... I hit the floor laughing every time...

Ron: Most hot-blooded Canadian males would have probably picked Jessica Rabbit as the greatest cartoon character of them all. I guess this means you're not a hot-blooded Canadian male...

(Don Cherry looks pissed off)

Ron: So what's the second reason you're wearing images of Porky Pig on your necktie?

Don: The second reason is to support the Alberta pork industry. Thanks to those namby pamby Marxist pansies in the UN and the World Health Organization, many countries have become convinced that eating Alberta pork will give you the swine flu. This is a bunch of "Red" crap...

Ron: As opposed to brown crap...

Don: You know what I mean... Marxist-Leninist b.s. ... that's what we're doing here tonight. We're here on a central Alberta pig farm with a huge pork barbecue going on... telling people to eat Alberta pork...

Ron: So why aren't you eating Alberta pork?

Don: I like mine well done.

(Hyung Grace Kwan dressed in a low-cut red evening dress slit up the side and wearing tan nylons and red spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes hands Don Cherry a pork slice on a bun)

Don: See? See what's she wearing? See how she's dressed? I do like taking my meat from a woman in a low-cut evening dress. So I guess I'm a red-blooded Canadian male after all.

Ron: So you're a rice-chaser I take it?

Don: A what?

Ron: A rice chaser.

Don: I don't know what you mean by that. But all these namby pamby Marxist pansies at the UN and World Health Organization who pour homo milk all over their Rice Krispies and refuse to eat Alberta pork...

Ron: It looks like we've got another boar besides you here...

Don: Are you saying I'm boring?

(At that moment, a winged wild boar with vampiric incisors lands on the farm sending people scattering)

Don: What the Hell is that?

Hyung (grabbing a barbecue fork and doing Kung Fu moves on her stilettos): Everybody stay back this is a vampire...

Don: Well, I'll be... (what Don Cherry says is bleeped out)

Voice of Rosebob (Orson Welles' parrot): Not from Hyung you won't be. She gets it on with Dracul Van Helsing.

(Hyung drives the fork through the vampiric wild boar's heart)

Hyung: Another pig for the grill, Dracul... (she hands the pierced wild boar on the fork to Dracul)

Farmer: Wine is now being served.

Rosebob: We will sell no wine before its time...

To be continued.

Rosebob's Running Commentary

Dracul Van Helsing was making out with Hyung Grace Kwan in a hay loft on the open window upper story of a barn.

"Dracul," Hyung said between passionate kisses, "shouldn't we be watching out for that wild boar vampire that's biting both pigs and humans on the neck and infecting them with the H1N1 virus?".

"We'll hear the flapping of its wings and its diabolical cackling oink when it approaches," Dracul bit Hyung on the neck.

"Oh God," Hyung moaned in ecstasy.

"A drum, a drum," a parrot called out in the barn, "Dracul doth come."

"Who let Orson Welles' parrot in here?" Dracul asked.

"It probably followed you here," Hyung replied as she let out a joyful shriek that sent all the barn swallows scattering.

As a birthday present last year, Hyung had bought Dracul a 100-year-old parrot that had once belonged to Orson Welles since she knew that Dracul was a big Orson Welles fan. The name of the parrot was Rosebob.

"To be or not to be," Rosebob continued, "is this a dagger Hyung sees before her? Come let her clutch it... oh God... put back thy sheath, oh Brutus... the cock will crow three times before morning has come... or Hyung for that matter! The Peter will have denied everything particularly when the results of the pregnancy test come back..."

"Will somebody shut that damn bird up?" Dracul stated.

To be continued.