Gingerbread House

Gingerbread house

built for a mouse

and cheese-eating spouse

tripped over by a souse

thoroughly joused

where's Hansel and Gretel?

under the rose petal

waiting for the witch 

to send her to old Pitch

and throw her ashes

down the ditch.

-A poem written by Christopher

 Monday evening January 28th 2013.

Welsh Werewolf At The Inaugural Ball

Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was feeling a teency weency bit embarrassed.

He had been one of a select group of people invited to watch the small private inauguration ceremony of Barack Obama yesterday in the Blue Room of the White House.

Instead while strolling across the White House lawn, he had suddenly turned into a werewolf beyond his control and had spent the whole time (while the ceremony was taking place) yelping and snarling and baying at the moon (which was actually an ardent Republican supporter showing his naked back side outside the White House fence).

He had finally sniffed his way to the White House kitchen where he opened the refrigerator and drank gallons of buttermilk.

There was something in buttermilk which acted as an antidote to the peculiar kind of werewolf gene he now had in his DNA.

Now here he was tonight at one of the official Inaugural balls watching President and Mrs. Obama as well as Jay-Z and Beyonce dance and he could feel that he was about to turn into a werewolf again.

The Marxist lycanthrope prayed to the non-existent God of the workers' opiate religion that buttermilk would be available up at the cocktail bar.

Sure enough it was and he said a quick thank you to the non-existent (in his mind) Deity above.

He drank 12 glasses of buttermilk and when he had finished, he strolled around the dance floor when he caught a glimpse of a breathtakingly beautiful woman wearing the most exquisite lavender evening dress.

He instantly recognized her as Lepardia Marango the cultural attache at the South African Embassy in London.

The last time he saw her was two weeks ago at a live performance of Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom of the Opera in a West End London theatre.

"Lepardia," the British MP greeted her, "what are you doing here?."

"Well, I just flew in this past Saturday night," Lepardia smiled, "I was officially invited to this Inaugural ball by President Obama himself. Back in 2006, when I was a Grad student at the University of Johannesburg, I had written a letter to the then junior Senator from Illinois telling him that I thought he was a wonderful inspirational individual and that he should really run for President in 2008. He remembered the letter I wrote him apparently and that's why I was invited."

"Delighted you're here," Magog smiled, "would you care to dance?."

"Sure," Lepardia smiled, "only I'm going to get myself a drink first and then we'll dance, okay?".

"That's fine by me," Rhys Petley nodded.

"Hm, she's African eh?" thought conspiracy theorist Alex Jones who had overheard the conversation.

Alex Jones had found that it was as easy for him to sneak into an official Inaugural Ball as it was for him to sneak into a giant owl worshipping ceremony in San Francisco's Bohemian Grove.

"I wonder if being African, she knows where Barack Obama's Kenyan birth certificate is located," Jones bit his lip.

Just then Magog Rhys Petley got a call on his iPhone.

It was from his parliamentary Executive Assistant Gareth Jones (no relation to Alex).

"What's up, Gareth?" Rhys Petley inquired.

"Just want you to know that the Cameron government is involved in a cover-up," was Gareth Jones' answer.

"So what else is new?" Magog Rhys Petley shook his head, "what's it over this time?".

"Those leopard attacks at the London Zoo this past Thursday," Gareth replied, "remember the young zoo employee whose first day it was on the job got fired for leaving the leopard cage door open?  Well, it turns out that the leopard that was in that cage never ever left its cage. It was too old and feeble to do so. It was another leopard that was responsible for those attacks and the government has absolutely no idea where that leopard came from."

"That is strange," Magog Rhys Petley reflected, "Let me get back to you on that."

He walked over to Lepardia at the cocktail bar.

He happened to notice she had half a dozen glasses of buttermilk on her tray which she was drinking frantically.

Rhys Petley suddenly recalled that he had seen her drinking loads of buttermilk at The Phantom of the Opera performance as well.

What ailment did she have that she drank so much buttermilk like he did?

Lepardia smiled at him.

And as Lepardia smiled in her lavender evening dress in Washington DC, the British government continued its Zoo cover-up in London.

To be continued.

Werewolf On White House Lawn During Inauguration Ceremony?

CNN's Anderson Cooper looked at the camera, "Despite the quiet low key private inauguration ceremony that happened in the Blue Room of the White House today to fulfill the constitutional requirements of the President being sworn in on January 20th with a public ceremony being held tomorrow, all sorts of crazy rumours are flying around. One such rumour was that a werewolf was spotted on the White House lawn while the President was being sworn in. After the incident of the werewolf on the White House lawn was reported, the Head of the U.S. Secret Service issued an Official Statement that quote "agents should refrain from drinking on the job..."

Jay-Z remarked to Beyonce in the hotel room of Washington D.C.'s prestigious Hamilton Hotel as they watched the television screen, "Wow. That's really crazy, man."

Beyonce adjusted her skirt and crossed her legs and said, "Hm. Maybe I should put a werewolf in my next music video."

"And speaking of drinking," Anderson Cooper continued, "the White House kitchen is said to be reporting that massive quantities of buttermilk are apparently missing from the White House refrigerator..."

To be continued.

Of Roswell, Aliens and DNA

"A couriered package from Nevada for you, sir," Athelstan the valet, butler and proper English gentleman's gentleman handed it to his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

"From Renfield no doubt," Set seethed, "he's really been ripping up the household expense account on the bets he's been placing in Las Vegas casinos."

"He does seem to be crapping out at the crap tables, sir,"  was Athelstan's reply.

"I'm thinking of sending an email to Amadeus to lace Renfield's chocolate milk with laxatives so he'll spend his time crapping out in the bathroom instead of crapping out at the crap tables,"  Set foamed through his large vampiric fangs.

"An excellent idea, sir," Athelstan nodded, "if I may ask sir, what are Renfield and Amadeus doing in Nevada?".

"Well, I sent Renfield on a mission there," Set opened the package, "which hopefully he's completed by sending me this package."

Set brought out of the package a sealed test tube.

"Pray tell, what is that, sir?" Athelstan inquired.

"It's a test tube I ordered Renfield to steal from a secret lab at Area 51 in Nevada," Set smiled, "a test tube containing the DNA from one of the dead aliens at the UFO crash in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947."

"The crash that the U.S. government said never happened, sir?" Athelstan dusted the Warren Commission Report on the Kennedy Assassination that sat on Set's bookshelf in the library.

"That's the one," Set nodded, "if there were no crashed extraterrestrial spacecraft over the years , all I can say is that there are a lot of incompetent makers of weather balloons out there."

To be continued.

Like Unto A Leopard

The elderly woman with the walker wondered where her grandchild had got to.

The London Zoo was no place for a lost child.

She looked around desperately.

Suddenly she came face to face with a leopard.

And the leopard was not in a cage.

What the...?

The leopard attacked the elderly woman and using its claws and sharp teeth ripped the arm out of her sockets.

Needless to say, the elderly woman let go of her walker.

The leopard set upon the woman and tore her to pieces.

Then the leopard went after other people.

Screams and sounds of tearing and ripped limbs could be heard all across the zoo.

Blood and flesh were everywhere.

The zoo's maintenance crew would be facing a major clean-up duty.

                                          *        *        *

The young man with the keys to the cages had heard the screaming and dashed into the handicapped washroom and locked the door.

He could hear the screams of people being eaten outside the door.

He almost shit his pants.

But since there was a toilet close by, he didn't.

When the screaming and roaring seemed to be over, he waited an hour.

Then exited the washroom.

He suddenly looked at the leopard cage where he had put water through the door a couple of hours earlier.

Oh my God, he thought, he must have absentmindedly opened the cage and left the door open.

The young man sighed.

It looked like his first day on the job would also be his last.

                                                *       *      *

"18 people were mauled and killed as a result of today's escaped leopard attacks at the London Zoo," the BBC's Naga Munchetty intoned, "Coming up on BBC News... the BBC World Business Report with the lead story being, will Apple re-name its OS X Leopard operating system desktops in the wake of today's attacks?  Sally will have the answer for you..."

"Oh my God," was atheistic Marxist Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley's only comment as he watched the BBC World News on the TV aboard the Boeing 787 (which would be recalled upon landing) as he flew across the Atlantic from Britain to America.

"I imagine there will now be calls for stricter leopard control in Britain," piped up the member of the U.S. National Rifle Association who was sitting next to Magog Rhys Petley aboard the plane, "which in my opinion is silly. After all, leopards don't kill people. People kill people."

To be continued.

Wesla Wong And The Welsh Werewolf

Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was doing some last minute work on behalf of his constituents before flying to Washington D.C.

An elderly couple who were not computer or internet savvy or really technologically inclined at all would be flying to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada next week and wanted to know what the weather would be like.

Magog usually went beyond the call of duty when helping out his constituents which explained why he kept getting re-elected all the time despite his radical Marxist-Leninist views which were out of step with the thinking of most of the population of 21st Century Britain.

Magog Rhys Petley decided to phone the noted Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing about the matter as the famous world class vampire hunter now lived in Vancouver, British Columbia.

Magog asked Van Helsing which Vancouver-based meteorologist he'd recommend for a forecast.

Dracul Van Helsing replied, "BC Global TV meteorologist Wesla Wong."

So Magog then phoned Wesla Wong and got next week's Vancouver forecast for his elderly constituents.

He then phoned the couple with the information.

They were delighted.

After putting the phone down, Magog felt he might be turning into a werewolf again so he quickly drank some buttermilk which served as an antidote to the lycanthropy gene taking over his system.

To be continued.

The Year of The Snake Approaches

China's new leader Xi Jinping the new General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party was in disguise and was walking the streets of Shanghai.

The reason for Xi Jinping's clandestine visit to Shanghai was to visit the shop of a noted Chinese astrologer in the city.

The astrologer was well known for the accuracy of his predictions.

And it was said that this astrologer had predicted several years ago that a great and important world leader would emerge out of nowhere on the world stage in the next Year of the Snake (which was this year 2013 starting with the new lunar new year in February).

So Xi had come to see this astrologer named Sun Chen to find out who this person was.

Xi entered the shop, paid Sun his fee and then asked the question.

Sun burned some papers in a small fire in a pot on his fireplace stove.

Then he took the pot and showed Xi the image formed from the ashes at the bottom of the pot.

Xi took out his smart phone and photographed the image formed from the ashes.

Then he used some photo ID software to identify whose image it most closely resembled.

He pushed Send and within seconds, a match was found.

The image in the ashes resembled the facial features of one Magog Rhys Petley a British Labour MP for the constituency of Newcastle in Wales.

To be continued.

A Welsh Werewolf And The Ghosts of Hitler and Napoleon

Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley had spent the day in an expensive and exclusive London tailor shop getting a new suit fitted to attend the Obama Inauguration.

After that, he felt that the werewolf part of him was taking over again so he went to a small restaurant and ordered a dozen glasses of buttermilk.

After drinking them, he went for a walk all over London.

As he walked through Trafalgar Square in London, he was startled to see the ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte standing atop Lord Nelson's head on Nelson's statue.

Napoleon's ghost looked down upon him and winked at him.

Magog Rhys Petley hurriedly kept walking.

As he walked through Parliament Square near the Houses of Westminster, he was startled to see the ghost of Adolf Hitler standing atop Sir Winston Churchill's head on Sir Winston Churchill's statue in Parliament Square.

The ghost of Hitler winked at him.

Magog Rhys Petley hurriedly walked to a nearby pub and ordered a double whisky- the first of two dozen he'd have that night.

After seeing those ghosts, he resolved not to drink in the future...

... so much buttermilk.

To be continued.

Welsh Werewolf Magog Rhys Petley Invited To Obama Inauguration

As Welsh werewolf British Labour Party MP Magog Rhys Petley went through his mail, he noticed a letter addressed to him from the White House in Washington D.C.

He opened it and there on official White House stationery was his official invitation to attend United States President Barack Obama's 2nd Presidential Inauguration this coming January 20th.

How he wondered did he a backbench Opposition MP in another country get an invitation to attend the 2nd Obama Inaugural?

He suddenly remembered that he had met Michelle Obama on the Obama's last Official visit to Britain and how Mrs. Obama had laughed uproariously at a joke he had told about a Catholic priest, a Jewish rabbi, a Muslim imam, a Zen Buddhist monk and a pot smoking Rastafarian.

Maybe it was the joke that Mrs. Obama liked so much that had landed him this invitation.

He hoped she wouldn't ask him to tell it again.

As he couldn't remember it.

He was half-drunk at the time he made up that joke.

To be continued.

Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec In Caracas, Venezuela

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec wearing a beautiful Spanish style red evening dress was in the Venezuelan capital of Caracas to attend a pro-Chavez rally.

Her good friend and ally Hugo Chavez had been scheduled to be re-inaugurated the President of Venezuela today.

But due to the return of cancer and recent surgery, President Chavez was still in a Cuban hospital and was not healthy enough to be sworn in today January 10th 2013.

The Opposition in Venezuela demanded new Presidential elections.

But the Venezuelan Supreme Court ruled that postponing the inauguration for a while was not unconstitutional.

So Her Highness Princess Qonzilqointec was here to express her solidarity with President Chavez and the working people of Venezuela.

As she left her hotel, a U.S. Republican Congressman who had fought vigourously to preserve tax cuts for the rich in the recent fiscal cliff debate in Washington D.C. was entering the hotel to vacation here.

He winced as he recognized the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

If there was one thing he couldn't stand, it was a Marxist vampiress.

To be continued.

Apophis Flies By and Nixon's 100th Birthday

The London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was fuming mad.

Namely because a 300 metre wide asteroid called Apophis was flying by Earth today.

He wasn't mad at the fact that an asteroid was flying by Earth at a safe distance of 14 million kilometres (although some scientists calculated it might smash into Earth on April 13th 2029 while other scientists calculate it might smash into Earth on April 13th 2036).

He was mad at the fact that the asteroid was named after Apophis the Egyptian demon of darkness and destruction.

"Apophis was a pansy when compared with me," Set seethed.

He Set after all had been the god of darkness and chaos in the ancient Egyptian pantheon.

He didn't enjoy sharing his celestial responsibilities with a pansy like Apophis.

He was quite capable of looking after darkness and chaos himself without any help from a would-be Beverly Hills hairdresser like Apophis.

Why didn't they name an asteroid after him?

He would write to Britain's Royal Astronomical Society about this grave injustice.

                                           *          *         *

Magog Rhys Petley was watching the BBC World News when the announcer said that today would have been former U.S. President Richard Nixon's 100th birthday.

"In honour of the occasion," the announcer smiled, "we will now observe 18 and a half minutes of silence."

To be continued.

Billionaire Ancient Egyptian Vampire Set Sets Out To Rule The World

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set sat in his study looking at his Renaissance globe of the world and contemplating the state of the world.

At least now he wouldn't have to worry about his brother Osiris returning to Earth and upsetting his plans.

Thanks to a laser death ray blast from a Russian atomic sub, the particles of Osiris were all floating around the universe somewhere to the tune of that old song, "I fall to pieces..."

His own shapeshifting man/hamster hybrid Renfield R. Renfield he had sent to take care of the Osiris problem had failed.

Renfield thought he could stop Osiris' return by playing a Rihanna song backwards.

"I'd be much more inclined to think he could stop my brother's return by playing a Rihanna song forwards," Set thought.

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set hated Rihanna's music.

Set quietly played the melody Greensleeves on his Renaissance lute and thought about how he could now conquer the world with Osiris no longer a threat.

Ever since his tomb had been dug up in Egypt on November 11th, 1918 (the day the First World War ended) and he had escaped, he had longed to rule the world.

One of his adepts Adolf Hitler had come close but he had in the end failed.

Now with the same economic problems facing the world today as had faced the world in the early 1930s, he'd groom another would-be despot to fulfill his plans.

This time he would use a demagogue of the extreme left rather than the extreme right to rule the world since his extreme right choice of the 1930s Adolf Hitler failed him in the mid-1940s.

And he'd use an extreme leftist who was a moderate and a bit more of a democrat than say someone of the personality type of a Josef Stalin.

And he Set had decided on just the right man or rather the left man for him.

He gazed at the photo of far left British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley.

To be continued.

Vampiress Isis, Vladimir Putin, Gerard Depardieu and Magog Rhys Petley

The Vampiress Isis adjusted the skirt of her long slit black evening dress and uncrossed her legs.

Why, she fumed, had Russian President Vladimir Putin ordered a Russian submarine to fire a laser death ray at her husband Osiris' spaceship to prevent his return to Earth on the important Mayan calendar date that corresponded to December 21st 2012 on the Gregorian calendar?

If Putin wanted war, she'd give him war.

At least she'd have an ally in French President Francois Hollande who was pissed at Putin for granting French actor Gerard Depardieu Russian citizenship.

                                         *      *      *

Russian President Vladimir Putin oversaw the cabinet meeting in the Kremlin.

Behind him stood his gray jacketed, white bloused and tight gray skirted bodyguard the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva who had been assigned by Russia's FSB to protect the President.

"So," Sergei Brownoseky Uptheladderov the Minister for Sanitary Engineering and Recycling of Everything asked the President, "for what reason did we attack Osiris' and Quetzalcoatl's space ships with a laser death ray from one of our submarines?".

"Well the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl was an unintended collateral damage casualty of friendly fire as his spiritual goddaughter the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec has been a good strategic ally of Russian interests," Putin explained, "our intended target was the Egyptian vampire Osiris whom we succeeded into sending into oblivion.  As you know Osiris is an entity worshipped and adored by the highest echelons of American Freemasonry and as you know, Russia and America have not exactly been good friends for most of the past century. And any friend of American leadership is an enemy of ours."

"Makes sense," Sergei Brownoseky Uptheladderov nodded enthusiastically.

                                       *        *      *

Magog Rhys Petley the far Left Member of the British Labour Party was attending a performance of The Phantom of The Opera in London's West End.

The lead performance of Christine was being sung by one of his favourite singers the talented New Orleans songstress Angelique Dumont.

It was intermission time and the Welsh MP was lining up to buy several glasses of buttermilk.

The reason he was buying buttermilk was because he had experientially discovered that by drinking buttermilk he was able to overcome the particular form of the lycanthropy gene (that caused werewolfism) which had overtaken his system ever since he had been bitten by Rahu (the Hindu demon god of lunar and solar eclipses) a couple of years earlier.

This particular form of the lycanthropy gene occasionally turned him into a werewolf even when it was not the full moon.

So that's why it was gallons of buttermilk for him.

As he lined up to buy the buttermilk from the theatre's cocktail bar, he reflected on how the great French actor Gerard Depardieu was now the great Russian actor Gerard Depardieu.

There were now even rumours that noted French actress Brigitte Bardot would be giving up her French citizenship for Russian.

If this trend continued, the entire French film industry might become part of the Russian film industry.

As he approached the bar, he noticed the cultural attache from the South African Embassy in London Lepardia Marango was sipping from a glass of buttermilk.

The lovely and charming South African diplomat wore a lovely lilac evening dress and diamond necklace.

She smiled at him as she noticed him noticing her.

Hm, a fellow buttermilk drinker, Magog reflected.

He wondered why.

To be continued.