Dark Ocean

Dark ocean

dark night 

dark ship

dark pirate.

Black like the river Styx

the ocean moves

dark waves crash 

the pirate laughs.

Skull and crossbones flag rises

ship sails into the dark abyss.

-written 9:00 PM

 Friday night

 November 30th 2012

The Renfield Chainsaw Massacre

Renfield was waiting in a phone store to get his iPhone activated to a new service.

He was next in line but there was a stupid old bat senior citizen in front of him who kept asking the clerk annoying questions.

"I want my old pic on my phone back," she said, "I pushed a button and it went missing."

Then she said, "I want my old ring tone back. I lost the music when I pushed a button I didn't want to push."

Then she asked, "How do I listen to my messages? How do I delete my messages? I've got hundreds of messages? What do I do with them?".

Finally Renfield had had enough.

He pulled out his gun and shot the old bat dead.

"You stupid old fool," he growled as he put his gun away, "if you're too stupid and senile to upgrade to modern technology, then don't upgrade. You're making life miserable for the rest of us, you stupid old bat."

Renfield received a standing ovation (namely because they were already standing) from the customers behind him.

"This man should be drafted to become Canada's next Prime Minister," someone suggested.

The crowd agreed and cheered.

Renfield got his phone activated and then thanked the crowd saying he'd think about their draft.

He then decided to put on his Jason Friday the 13th hockey mask and his Freddy Krueger Nightmare on Elm Street clawed glove and grab his Texas-bought chainsaw and went down to the beach and dismembered a few people to pass the time.

Priyanka the mermaid watched in horror.

She said to Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius, "I hope Osiris puts a stop to Renfield when he returns to Earth."

Dr. Celsius answered, "I hope so too."

Then Renfield's laugh could be heard along the beach, "When Osiris returns, I shall dismember him like the Boss (Renfield's boss was the ancient Egyptian vampire Set who was Osiris' brother) did millenia ago."


To be continued.

Lost In Translation, Clueless In Seattle

Renfield came barging through the door of the hotel room, threw an I Love Seattle t-shirt in Amadeus' direction and then sat down on the sofa and went "Harrumph."

"I take it that it did not go well," Amadeus removed his sweater to try on the t-shirt, "seeing as how I watched CNN News all day and there was nothing about a Zombie Turkey Apocalypse taking place."

"It did not," Renfield swallowed a bunch of whisky from the bottle in his coat pocket,  "Sterling used an English translation of a Hecate mystery cult spell that was originally written in ancient Greek. But instead of translating Hecate (the name of the ancient Greek goddess of witchcraft), the translator translated Socrates' name for Hecate. So Sterling kept invoking Socrates' name while reciting the spell and apparently Socrates is totally uninterested in raising turkeys from the dead. So it didn't work."

"Well, the trip wasn't a total waste," Amadeus put on the I Love Seattle t-shirt and smiled, "at least the t-shirt fits."  

To be continued.

Zombie Turkey Apocalypse

"So I'll be taking a Russian submarine down to Seattle, Washington this evening," Renfield R. Renfield put his Russian-English Dictionary into his coat pocket.

"What for?" Amadeus was watching A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving on television.

"To get back at the Americans for deporting me last weekend," Renfield swallowed some whisky, "The Russians have hired South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo to go to the top of the Seattle Space Needle and to cast a spell to raise all the turkeys (who have been eaten this Thanksgiving Day) to rise from the dead and kill their eaters. Tomorrow millions of Americans when they wake up will find themselves dead."

"If they're dead, how will they be able to wake up?" Amadeus asked.

Renfield ignored the question.

"What angered Putin so much that he's hired a witch doctor to do this?" Amadeus asked another question.

"It's apparently an American billionaire that's been providing the anti-Putin Russian girls' punk rock group Pussy Riot with so much financial support," Renfield counted his rubles, "so this is Putin's way of getting back at him. I'm to stand on top of the Space Needle and help Makabo recite his spell."

"Can you buy me an I Love Seattle t-shirt while you're down there?" Amadeus ate some popcorn.

"All right," Renfield shut the door and hurried from the room down the stairs into the lobby and out the hotel door into the Vancouver night.


To be continued.

ET Won't Be Phoning Home.

The coroner and the paramedic examined the body that had washed up on the beach.

"Is that what I think it is?" the paramedic asked.

"If you think the body is of what they call in ET extraterrestrial X-Files style folklore- a gray," the coroner replied, "then you'd be correct."

"How did it wash up on the beach here?" the paramedic scratched his head.

"His spaceship crashed in the ocean maybe," the coroner shrugged.

At that moment, a boat containing U.S. Navy SEALS landed on the beach.

"We'll take that body," said the commander of the SEALS unit.

"Go ahead," said the coroner not wanting to argue with a group of armed men.

"But this is Canadian soil," the paramedic grumbled to the coroner after the SEALS spirited away the body of the gray.

"Yes," the coroner admitted, "but another country's territory has never bothered America before. They just go and take what they can."

"Do you suppose that was an extraterrestrial Osama bin Laden?" the paramedic asked.

"Damn, did those SEALS beat me to the body of another gray?" Renfield asked in a cursing fashion as he arrived on the scene.


To be continued.

Renfield Back To Normal Self

When Renfield was deported from the U.S. back to Canada and thus was unable to complete his mission of sleeping with both Gen. David Petraeus' biographer Paula Broadwell and Florida socialite Jill Kelley (a good friend of Gen. John Allen), the psychopathic genetically created shapeshifting hamster/human was feeling a little down and depressed.

But by today, he was back to his normal self.

His spirits started to lift last night when he shot dead a blind woman who made the mistake of accidently bumping into him on the street.

Then today he sold a whole bunch of property he didn't own on Vancouver Island to a couple of unsuspecting gullible people for a cool $2 million.

He then shot a porn movie with a group of female exotic dancers in the studio of a Vancouver nightclub.

Now he was back in his hotel room listening to Amadeus play Beethoven's Ninth Symphony on a very good toy piano when his iPhone rang.

"Hello?" Renfield answered.

"Rennie old boy," the caller was the President of Russia and the black belt karate champion whose last name was Putin, "it's your old friend Vladimir here. How would you like to get back at the U.S.A. for deporting you?".

"Oh boy, would I," Renfield had an orgasm of delight right on the spot, "tell me what you've got in mind?".

Amadeus stopped playing Beethoven's Ninth and picked up the hotel phone, "Hello, front desk? I think the sofa in this room requires instant steam cleaning."


To be continued.

Night At The Museum British Style

Wilfrid was a security guard at the British Museum.

Tonight Wilfrid was working in the Syrian Antiquities Room of the Museum.

Unfortunately the night before (during one of his rare nights off) he had made the mistake of watching with his eight-year-old nephew Richard the 2006 movie Night At The Museum that starred Ben Stiller and Carla Gugino.

Now as a result he was imagining all sorts of voices and noises and goings on here in the Syrian Antiquities Room.

As he looked at the bust of the Syrian-Greek King Antiochus Epiphanes (who ruled as King Antiochus IV of Syria from 175 BC to 164 BC), he heard a noise behind him.

He whisked around and saw a ghostly figure who looked very much like Antiochus Epiphanes had been standing behind him.

"I am the spirit of Antiochus Epiphanes," the spectre spoke, "the ruler of the Abyss has granted me permission to leave the Abyss for a while and roam the Earth."

"Antiochus Epiphanes," said the Oxford educated security guard, "your name Epiphanes meaning God manifest. Many Bible scholars consider you a prototype of the Antichrist since the Abomination of Desolation you ordered in the Temple of Jerusalem when a statue of Zeus was erected in the spot of the Holy of Holies and a pig was sacrificed to Zeus there."

"I had my moments," Antiochus laughed, "and now I'll have my moments again. Since my spirit and the fallen angel who was my demonic mentor have returned up to the Earth's surface."

"I don't know what you mean," said Wilfrid.

"Tune in to BBC News on your iPhone," Antiochus suggested.

Wilfrid did so.

Rioting in Greece.

More barbarities and atrocities going on in the Syrian civil war.

Increasing bloodshed between Israel and Palestine.

The possibility of all out war throughout the region of the Middle East.

"See," Antiochus laughed, "I told you my time has come."


To be continued.