Renfield and Amadeus Go Swimming

Renfield and Amadeus Go Swimming

-A vampire novel chapter

 written by Christopher

 Saturday September 28th 2013

Renfield and Amadeus had been given a day off work by their boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

They decided to spend it inside an indoor Olympic sized swimming pool in London.

As they entered the pool, Amadeus asked Renfield, "What style of swim do you think I should try first?".

"The back stroke," Renfield suggested.

Amadeus swam to the far end of the pool doing the back stroke.

Then he swam back to where Renfield was- likewise doing the back stroke.

"Now," Renfield asked Amadeus, "what style of swim do you think I should try first?".

"The breast stroke," Amadeus suggested.

"I was thinking the same thing myself," Renfield smiled as he looked around the pool.

Renfield swam out to the middle of the pool.

Then he swam over to where a pair of bikini clad beautiful women were treading water.

Suddenly one of the women screamed.

Seconds later she slapped Renfield's face.

Renfield swam back to Amadeus.

"That breast stroke didn't work out so well," Renfield informed Amadeus.

To be continued.

Renfield's Lottery Ticket

Renfield's Lottery Ticket



The Greek vampire Zeus had a problem on his hands.


Ever since Cerberus had abandoned his guard post on the River Styx, hundreds of thousands of ghosts had fled the Underworld of Hades and were now causing havoc on the Earth above.


Zeus had even received a nasty email from the President of the World Atheist Association threatening legal action and complaining that many of his members were undergoing post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of having to re-evaluate their belief in the non-existence of the afterlife.


The trouble had been caused millennia ago by a boast that his brother Hades had made to his brother Poseidon.


The pair had been discussing mortal lotteries and Hades had boasted that there was one series of numbers  that no mortal would ever pick.


Poseidon had disagreed.


And Hades said if any mortal picked them, then quote, "May my loyal faithful  Cerberus abandon his post on the River Styx and the souls of the departed depart the Underworld."


No mortal had picked them until the shapeshifting hamster/human Renfield R. Renfield had done so.


The numbers entered his mind shortly after he had gunned down a pompous arrogant American millionaire as the latter was entering a Rolls-Royce limousine outside a London restaurant.



The only way the decree of Hades could be reversed was if the said mortal would reverse the numerals of each two digit number he used in his lottery pick and play those numbers.



However the said Renfield kept winning £300 a week by playing those numbers and was unlikely to stop playing those numbers while he was on a roll (like so much golden butter).




And so the Greek vampire Zeus spent the past while pulling his hair and beard out while he tried to think up a solution.


Not relishing a future as a bald and beardless vampiric immortal (fearing this might put an end to his ability to attract mortal women and end his Bill Clintonesque and Jack Kennedyesque style dalliances with them),  he turned to his daughter the Greek vampiress Athena for advice as she always seemed to be full of wisdom.




Athena suggested that Zeus send Aphrodite to work her charms on Renfield for as Athena pointed out quoting Vincent Price,  "For no mere mortal can resist the evil of the Thriller."


The Thriller was the nickname given to Aphrodite among the gods of Olympus.



The "evil of the Thriller" was the euphemism given to Aphrodite's sensual charms among the goddesses of Olympus.





                     .            .           .




And it came to pass that Aphrodite went unto Renfield R. Renfield to convince him to reverse the digits of some of his numerals on his winning lottery ticket that he had been using the past month.


And what transpired when the sensual vampiress Aphrodite came unto Renfield as the Boney M. lyrics Nightflight To Venus played in the background?



Well to sum it up in one sentence as Great Caesar's ghost put it when he saw it,  "She came, he saw, he came, she conquered."





-A vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 Friday September 13th 2013

Vampiress Isis Throws Temper Tantrum

Vampiress Isis Throws Temper Tantrum




The Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis (sister and sister-in-law to the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set) was having a temper tantrum when she heard the news that Pope Francis was going to consecrate the world to the Immaculate Heart of Mary this coming October 13th.



To add insult to injury, the famous Pilgrim Statue of Our Lady of Fatima would be in Rome on the dates October 12th to 13th on hand for the Consecration.



Isis' English butler and valet Cedarman tried to console his mistress but she threw a spiked stiletto high-heeled shoe at him.



"Well there goes an old Christmas gift given to my lady from former Philippines First Lady Imelda Marcos," Cedarman thought to himself.


"Why?  Why?  Why?"  Isis sobbed causing her ancient Egyptian mascara to flow down both cheeks in a seeming parting of a blue sea as opposed to a Red Sea,  "is Pope Francis consecrating the world to Mary instead of to me?  I'm the Queen of the Cosmos... not that... that... that... that virgin."  She spat out the word  putting a nasty stain on her 50,000 euro handmade Persian carpet.


"Well," Cedarman soothed, "according to a certain variety of Fundamentalist Protestant, you and the Virgin Mary are one and the same, the Pope is the Antichrist and the Catholic Church is the Whore of Babylon."


"I don't care what those idiots think," Isis bit her vampiric fangs down on her lip causing her lips to bleed adding further stains to her 50,000 Euro Persian carpet, "I am not the same as the Mother of Jesus.  She is called the Blessed Virgin Mary and the Blessed Mother."


Isis threw her other Imelda Marcos given spiked stiletto high heeled shoe at Cedarman.


"She prophesied to her cousin Elizabeth that behold from henceforth, all generations would call her blessed," Isis shrieked,  "if she's blessed, what does that make me?".




"Shoeless perhaps?" Cedarman held up one of Imelda Marcos' gifts that had been thrown at him.



The lovely, shapely and highly attractive vampiress took off her lavender coloured evening dress and tried to strangle Cedarman with it.



Peering at the spectacle through his high-powered binoculars, the Paris police detective (who had been ordered by his superiors to watch the vampiress' apartment the past few nights)  started to hyperventilate with excitement.



As Saddam Hussein's ghost observed and commented, it was the mother of all climaxes.





To be continued.





-A vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 Friday August 16th
 2013.

Napoleon's 244th Birthday and The Ghosts of Antiochus Epiphanes and Alexander The Great

Napoleon's 244th  Birthday and The Ghosts of Antiochus Epiphanes and Alexander The Great




As ghosts continued to leave Hades by the thousands after Cerberus abandoned his post at the River Styx (the 3-headed dog was currently frolicking on a Mexican beach drinking Mexican Bulldogs which was a combination of Margarita and Corona beer and then complaining about the bill since all 3 heads were imbibing) , the ghost of Antiochus Epiphanes was walking the streets of Damascus and looking at all the carnage and said, "Well if people really want, I'll gladly become King of Syria again."



At the moment he spoke those words,  a small but powerful tremor shook the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.




                 .            .             .





At the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, the ghosts of Alexander The Great, his generals and his soldiers had taken over the facility.



For Alexander being the great genius he was with his strategic frame of mind and tactical insight had realized that by taking over the CERN Large Hadron Collider, he could make himself the Master of Time and thus the Master of the Universe.





                  .            .            .





The ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte had taken over Magog Rhys Petley's hotel room in Cairo much to the British Labour MP's displeasure.


Magog had gone out to see what cheap souvenirs he could pick up at the neighbourhood bazaar.


Napoleon decided to mark his 244th birthday which was today by having a bunch of harem style dancing girls dancing for him in the hotel room.


He had also ordered a cake personally baked for him by world famous Toronto Ontario based cake maker Joanna Lo the Caking Girl (made in the shape of the City of Paris) .


He also had 244 candles placed on the cake by one of the dancing girls and then another dancing girl (with a low-cut top)  bent over to light them all.


Napoleon's ghost then made a wish (which was to rule the world) and then tried to blow out all 244 candles.



But seeing as how Napoleon was now spirit, he could not blow out physical objects.



A huge fire broke out in the hotel room.





                      .          .           .



Authorities blamed the hotel fire on the Muslim Brotherhood and used that as an excuse for rounding up and arresting more members.


Magog consoled himself by licking the lovely yet slightly singed breasts of a beautiful woman who said her breasts were singed when she had to light 244 candles on a birthday cake.




To be continued.






- A vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 Thursday August 15th
 2013.

Magog Meets Napoleon's Ghost

Since representatives of the Egyptian Army, interim government and Muslim Brotherhood all refused to meet Magog Rhys Petley, he decided to do the touristy thing and go see the Pyramids.




It was night time and the pyramids were illuminated by great searchlights.



Starlight appeared and a radio playing Nat King Cole singing Stardust could be heard in the distance.



There was a small cloud overhead and moonlight was breaking through the cloud.




Magog turned and saw a spectral figure resembling Napoleon Bonaparte.





"I am the ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte," the figure spoke.





"Of course you are," Magog sighed.




Gosh he was running into a lot of weird people this year.





"I was able to leave the Underworld of Hades because Cerberus abandoned his post for some reason, " Napoleon explained.




"Of course he did," Magog opened a bottle of Scotch whisky and started drinking from the bottle.





"As I was crossing the River Styx, the Greek Vampire Apollo appeared to me and said I was to give you advice on ruling the world,"  Napoleon pulled his hand out from under his jacket.




"Of course he did," Magog's eyes glazed  over into oblivion, "the Olympian's knowledge of history doesn't extend until the Battle of Waterloo in 1815?".





"His directive confused me too," Napoleon admitted, "especially since I drank a lot of water from the Underworld's River of Forgetfulness the  River Lethe and so subsequently my memory isn't what it used to be."




"No of course not, "  Magog finished the bottle of whisky and started to loudly sing,  "Some enchanted evening you will meet a stranger... a very special stranger..."


"So I've returned to Egypt to meet you since you were here," Napoleon reached his hand under his jacket again and pulled out a bottle of French brandy,  "plus it's also 215 years ago this month that I lost the Battle of the Nile to that little English pipsqueak Nelson so I've returned to this land of my first major defeat."




"That was August 1798 wasn't it?" Magog recalled his schoolboy history lessons.




"Maybe this will help restore my memory," Napoleon drank from the bottle of Brandy,  "the antidote to the waters of the River Lethe."





To be continued.





-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 9th
2013

The Mummy, The Wolfman and The Serial Killer

The flight to Cairo was indeed a long one.



Pan Goatee explained to Magog Rhys Petley that this was his first time on a plane as he usually astral projected with his astral body to various destinations all over the world.



Magog buried his head in his hands and then ordered another buttermilk from the flight attendant.


However Pan Goatee continued to drone  on coincidentally at the same time a U.S. drone flew by carrying a sign that said Yemen or bust.



Pan explained that he had gone down to the airport in person to see what trouble he could cause there.



"I'm a musician by profession but serial  killing is my hobby," Pan Goatee remarked as he played on his harmonica a short piece from the theme music to Alfred Hitchcock's movie Psycho.


"What do you do?  Bore your victims to death?"  Magog wondered to himself.


"So anyways I was down at the airport trying to see what trouble I could cause," Pan droned on as the U.S. drone exploded in a self-induced suicide bombing brought on by the motormouth satyr's constant blabbering,  "and I happened to see you.  And I noticed you carried in your body the spirit of my friend Neb-Senu."



This time Magog ordered a triple whisky when the flight attendant came around again.


Pan Goatee explained that the last time he had seen his extraterrestrial and ancient Egyptian friend was when Neb-Senu had become trapped in a  test tube in a doctor's office in the West Bank town of Bethlehem.



Magog did have to wince when Pan Goatee mentioned the name of the doctor.



It was the same doctor he had visited in Bethlehem to get a shot for a possible sexually transmitted disease after he had paid a nocturnal visit to the town prostitute a beautiful and alluring and mysterious redheaded woman who called herself Lilith- a woman whom the townspeople said was a vampiress.



So Pan explained that when he saw Magog at the British Airways boarding gate to Cairo with the spirit of Neb-Senu inside the portly Welsh baritone's frame, he decided to use a credit card from his most recent victim (his victim being dead, he would  be unable to phone in to cancel it) to purchase a ticket on the same flight as Magog.



"And that's how I'm here beside you," Pan grinned.


Magog finished  his sixth triple whisky and then despite being an atheist, said a silent prayer of thanks to Allah when the plane's Captain announced that they'd soon be landing in Cairo.





Mercifully for Magog as well,  Pan Goatee was detained by Egyptian Customs for not having a visa and so the Welsh werewolf British Labour MP was able to hail a taxi to his hotel without the obnoxious and monotonously boring and boastful serial killer following him.



But that was yesterday.



Magog awoke to the sound of The Beatles singing "I believe in yesterday..."  on the alarm clock radio next to him.



He got up and went over to the dressing room table mirror (a 19th Century antique that had once belonged to a magician).




As he looked at himself in the mirror, he thought he momentarily caught a glimpse of a ghostly spectral figure of an ancient Egyptian mummy inside his body.





To be continued.







-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 8th
2013.

Magog Rhys Petley and Pan Goatee

As Magog Rhys Petley sat in his seat on the British Airways plane bound for Egypt, a man in Bermuda shorts sat next to him.


Magog noticed the man had goat's legs and this wasn't the feature item on the plane's dinner menu.


Magog decided to make polite conversation,  "Has anyone ever told you that you have goat's legs?".


"That's because I'm a satyr like in Ancient Greek mythology," Pan Goatee helped himself to a martini from a passing flight attendant's tray, "I'm half-man and half-goat."



"Oh of course, naturally,"  Magog nodded.  He hadn't recalled having had that much to drink in the airport lounge.



"The name's Goatee,"  the satyr shook his martini,  "Pan Goatee."


"Rhys Petley," the British MP ordered a glass of buttermilk from the attractive brunette flight attendant, "Magog Rhys Petley."



"Did you know that your body is inhabited by the spirit of a friend of mine?"  Pan Goatee asked,  "The spirit of Neb-Senu entity from planet Nibiru who sojourned in ancient Egypt eons ago and was the spirit behind the moving rotating statue in the Manchester Museum?".



Atheistic Marxist Magog Rhys Petley buried his head in his hands.



He started to wonder whether there wasn't some spiritual force present in the Universe that was trying its hardest to get people to give up drinking?




When he had passed a neighbour's apartment in the hallway recently where an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting was taking place, he had overheard the evening's speaker say that he decided to give up drinking when he saw the 3-headed dog Cerberus walk by the window of the pub in which he was drinking.



A few nights later when he had backslidden (like a Pentecostal televangelist on his umpteenth visit to a whorehouse),  the same 3-headed dog Cerberus had appeared to him on the street and asked him for directions on how to get to the Palace of Westminster.



Magog Rhys Petley caught a glimpse of the shapely black silk nylon clad legs of the short skirted attractive brunette flight attendant as she walked past down the aisle.


Then he noticed the furry goat's legs of the strange individual in the Bermuda shorts sitting next to him.


He sighed.



It was going to be a long trip to Cairo.














-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 7th
2013