Orson Welles and The Unusual Production of MacBeth
It was March 1945.
And talented director and actor of stage, radio and film the great Orson Welles was directing a short scene from William Shakespeare's MacBeth for an upcoming charity event.
Welles (in front of the stage): All right. Enter the three witches.
(Thunder and lightning. Enter three witches)
First Witch (lowering "her" cowl to reveal the face of Adolf Hitler- a fact which startles Orson Welles):
When shall we three meet again?
In thunder, lightning or in rain?
Second Witch (lowering her "cowl" to reveal the face of Josef Stalin- a fact which also startles Orson Welles):
When the hurlyburly's done,
When the battle's lost and won.
Third Witch (lowers its cowl to reveal a face wearing a mask. It speaks in a very metallic sounding voice):
That will be ere the set of sun.
(On the wall at the back of the stage are flashed images of a solar eclipse followed by a blood red moon)
First Witch (Hitler): Where the place?
Second Witch (Stalin): Upon the heath.
(A strange multicoloured spiral image is then projected on to the screen behind the stage. Orson Welles does not recognize the image on this day in March 1945 but later generations would have recognized the spiral as the double helix of DNA)
Third Witch (with mask and metallic sounding voice): There to meet with MacBeth.
(The image of a face is then projected on to the screen behind the stage)
Orson Welles (waking up in bed with a start): Great heavens!
Rita Hayworth (next to him): What is it?
Orson Welles: I just had the most terrifying dream.
Rita Hayworth: What was it?
Orson Welles (scratching his head): I can't remember... it's receding from my memory... but...
Rita Hayworth: But what?
Orson Welles: I have seen the future... and it's a nightmare.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 31st
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Monday, March 30, 2015
The Kobold Hannibalken: A Poem
The Kobold Hannibalken: A Poem
The kobold is a small pointy-eared goblin-like creature of short temper and mischievous spirit
A word of advice do not tick off a kobold if you come to hear of it
Kobolds are divided into categories three
so you'll know which type if one sits upon your knee
There are the domestic kobolds who help around the house
most work unseen and quiet as a mouse
The second type is the mining kobold
who mine for things such as ore and gold
The third type are the kobolds of the sea
who attach themselves to captains and their ships that be
The Kobold Hannibalken was a sea kobold but one prone to acute seasickness
which made sailing on a ship risky business
and when he developed an allergy to the anti-motion sickness tablet Gravol
he did not stop to ask for whom the bell did toll
he gave up the sailor's life at sea
and in an English cottage came to be
He sat and smoked his pipe by the hearth
where no waves tossed causing him to barf
He decided to become a detective like Sherlock Holmes
and wear a deerstalker cap over his head phones
He was asked to solve many a mystery
which he did pocketing a small fee
One day he was out wandering in the village
when he met a Viking out to rape and pillage
Why, said Hannibalken, you're a man out of time
and Viking replied, And you're a goblin creature so sublime.
Hannibalken lit his pipe and thought,
Vikings from the past, what evil has been wrought!
CERN has brought you here,
you Norse pain in the rear!
Cambridge's Stephen Hawking is right
playing with dark matter is a fright
one shouldn't mess with particles
like they're New York Times articles
and to play with the intricacies of space and time
one ends up with a lemon instead of a lime.
So the kobold pulled out a taser
and like a Darth Vader laser
he zapped the ancient Norseman
and undid the Apocalyptic horseman
and sent the Viking out to sea
and freed the village from barbarity.
-A poem written by Christopher
Monday March 30th 2015.
Sent from my iPhone
The kobold is a small pointy-eared goblin-like creature of short temper and mischievous spirit
A word of advice do not tick off a kobold if you come to hear of it
Kobolds are divided into categories three
so you'll know which type if one sits upon your knee
There are the domestic kobolds who help around the house
most work unseen and quiet as a mouse
The second type is the mining kobold
who mine for things such as ore and gold
The third type are the kobolds of the sea
who attach themselves to captains and their ships that be
The Kobold Hannibalken was a sea kobold but one prone to acute seasickness
which made sailing on a ship risky business
and when he developed an allergy to the anti-motion sickness tablet Gravol
he did not stop to ask for whom the bell did toll
he gave up the sailor's life at sea
and in an English cottage came to be
He sat and smoked his pipe by the hearth
where no waves tossed causing him to barf
He decided to become a detective like Sherlock Holmes
and wear a deerstalker cap over his head phones
He was asked to solve many a mystery
which he did pocketing a small fee
One day he was out wandering in the village
when he met a Viking out to rape and pillage
Why, said Hannibalken, you're a man out of time
and Viking replied, And you're a goblin creature so sublime.
Hannibalken lit his pipe and thought,
Vikings from the past, what evil has been wrought!
CERN has brought you here,
you Norse pain in the rear!
Cambridge's Stephen Hawking is right
playing with dark matter is a fright
one shouldn't mess with particles
like they're New York Times articles
and to play with the intricacies of space and time
one ends up with a lemon instead of a lime.
So the kobold pulled out a taser
and like a Darth Vader laser
he zapped the ancient Norseman
and undid the Apocalyptic horseman
and sent the Viking out to sea
and freed the village from barbarity.
-A poem written by Christopher
Monday March 30th 2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, March 27, 2015
Pan Goatee Promotes Urban Beautification
Pan Goatee Promotes Urban Beautification
"A thing of ugliness is a blemish on the human race forever," Pan Goatee paraphrased John Keats as he cut off the head of the ugly looking woman he encountered on the street.
As Pan Goatee put back his bloodied machete into its extra large holster, he reflected he should really start billing the city council of this city double overtime for all the extra work he was doing promoting urban beautification.
Never had he seen so many ugly women he reflected.
Who let the dogs out? as the lyrics of that old song asked.
Pan Goatee blamed that interfering busybody Oprah Winfrey for this growing problem now facing North America.
If she hadn't spent so many years trying to drill high-self esteem into these repulsively ugly looking creatures who, judging from their appearance, have a lot to have loads of low self-esteem about, they wouldn't be out wandering the streets of the city.
Local authorities should really start making replica copies of that bronze mask of his ancient namesake Pan they had just found in Israel and start passing them out by the hundreds of thousands to the city's facially aesthetically challenged residents and require them by law to wear them when they go out in public.
Promoting urban beautification was Pan Goatee's own personal mission in life.
He was actually in this western Canadian city on the Pacific Ocean on a mission for the U.S. government for whom he worked as a hired assassin.
Apparently the owner of a local medical marijuana grow-op was considered a threat to the corporate interests of burgeoning medical marijuana grow-ops in the U.S. where such operations were now the rage among various state governments who were tripping over one another to legalize this new booming source of extra tax revenue.
And so when the interests of the Almighty U.S. Dollar were threatened, Uncle Sam listened.
And so genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was sent to dispatch a Canadian pot grower to Hades so that American pot growers might prosper and the American public would continue to be drugged and well medicated.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 27th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
"A thing of ugliness is a blemish on the human race forever," Pan Goatee paraphrased John Keats as he cut off the head of the ugly looking woman he encountered on the street.
As Pan Goatee put back his bloodied machete into its extra large holster, he reflected he should really start billing the city council of this city double overtime for all the extra work he was doing promoting urban beautification.
Never had he seen so many ugly women he reflected.
Who let the dogs out? as the lyrics of that old song asked.
Pan Goatee blamed that interfering busybody Oprah Winfrey for this growing problem now facing North America.
If she hadn't spent so many years trying to drill high-self esteem into these repulsively ugly looking creatures who, judging from their appearance, have a lot to have loads of low self-esteem about, they wouldn't be out wandering the streets of the city.
Local authorities should really start making replica copies of that bronze mask of his ancient namesake Pan they had just found in Israel and start passing them out by the hundreds of thousands to the city's facially aesthetically challenged residents and require them by law to wear them when they go out in public.
Promoting urban beautification was Pan Goatee's own personal mission in life.
He was actually in this western Canadian city on the Pacific Ocean on a mission for the U.S. government for whom he worked as a hired assassin.
Apparently the owner of a local medical marijuana grow-op was considered a threat to the corporate interests of burgeoning medical marijuana grow-ops in the U.S. where such operations were now the rage among various state governments who were tripping over one another to legalize this new booming source of extra tax revenue.
And so when the interests of the Almighty U.S. Dollar were threatened, Uncle Sam listened.
And so genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was sent to dispatch a Canadian pot grower to Hades so that American pot growers might prosper and the American public would continue to be drugged and well medicated.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 27th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
The Bronze Mask of Pan: A Poem
The Bronze Mask of Pan: A Poem
And so it came to pass that in the year 2015
a University of Haifa archaeological team
did uncover ancient bronze mask
of the ancient god Pan
outside the ancient Galilean city of Hippos-Sussita was it found
this rare relic unearthed from the ground
Larger than a human head
this mask of faun god long dead
From whence it came?
What's it for?
So much mystery
at history's door.
Most masks of this time made of terracotta or stone
making this bronze mask stand alone
most were theatre masks or miniature masks
so this large mask now in glory basks
A bronze mask of Pan...
... from whence it came?
... and what or who was it for?
And so in ancient times the Greek god Pan did wander
on earth below skies where Zeus did thunder
He came upon a neat little town
his throat parched and his lips brown
he would find somewhere to drink
and have his satyr fancy tickled pink
He put on his mask for a disguise
so he wouldn't be seen by human eyes
The mask was made to look like him
this half-man half-goat not so proper and prim
That way no one would think it he
under bronze crafted so elegantly
In town there was a wedding
at a place with softer bedding
He posed as a wedding guest
though he knew neither bride nor groom
he would have to confess
He did ask for wine
so they gave him a cup
and that was fine
He went outside to drink the wine
and never had he tasted so fine
when he raised his mask to drink
his taste buds tickled pink
Oh such sweet Heaven!
Never did even ambrosia taste like this
surpassing that Olympian drink in heavenly bliss
O nectar divine!
O wine so fine!
Great god Pan lifted his cup to the sky
and then died without even a sigh.
For it was not for seemingly immortal gods was this wine given
but for mortal man so that life was worth livin'
Pan's body was found by the bride's father
He realized this would be such a bother
for he recognized the god and knew
he would have to think this through
who would believe his tale when told
he picked up the mask so old
And especially thought the bride's father
that this god died drinking wine made from water.
And so it was that this day at Cana of Galilee
saw the death of an ancient deity.
-A poem written by Christopher
Wednesday March 25th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
And so it came to pass that in the year 2015
a University of Haifa archaeological team
did uncover ancient bronze mask
of the ancient god Pan
outside the ancient Galilean city of Hippos-Sussita was it found
this rare relic unearthed from the ground
Larger than a human head
this mask of faun god long dead
From whence it came?
What's it for?
So much mystery
at history's door.
Most masks of this time made of terracotta or stone
making this bronze mask stand alone
most were theatre masks or miniature masks
so this large mask now in glory basks
A bronze mask of Pan...
... from whence it came?
... and what or who was it for?
And so in ancient times the Greek god Pan did wander
on earth below skies where Zeus did thunder
He came upon a neat little town
his throat parched and his lips brown
he would find somewhere to drink
and have his satyr fancy tickled pink
He put on his mask for a disguise
so he wouldn't be seen by human eyes
The mask was made to look like him
this half-man half-goat not so proper and prim
That way no one would think it he
under bronze crafted so elegantly
In town there was a wedding
at a place with softer bedding
He posed as a wedding guest
though he knew neither bride nor groom
he would have to confess
He did ask for wine
so they gave him a cup
and that was fine
He went outside to drink the wine
and never had he tasted so fine
when he raised his mask to drink
his taste buds tickled pink
Oh such sweet Heaven!
Never did even ambrosia taste like this
surpassing that Olympian drink in heavenly bliss
O nectar divine!
O wine so fine!
Great god Pan lifted his cup to the sky
and then died without even a sigh.
For it was not for seemingly immortal gods was this wine given
but for mortal man so that life was worth livin'
Pan's body was found by the bride's father
He realized this would be such a bother
for he recognized the god and knew
he would have to think this through
who would believe his tale when told
he picked up the mask so old
And especially thought the bride's father
that this god died drinking wine made from water.
And so it was that this day at Cana of Galilee
saw the death of an ancient deity.
-A poem written by Christopher
Wednesday March 25th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, March 23, 2015
Renfield TV Ad
Renfield TV Ad
This was the TV ad that Renfield did as a shapeshifting hamster for KIA Motors.
Announcer: What sort of car does successful hamster defense attorney Hairy Masonite drive?
Renfield as Hairy Masonite (doing his best Raymond Burr impersonation): Why a 2015 Kia Cadenza of course.
Announcer: And driving to work in the driver's seat of a new Kia Cadenza helps keep Hairy Masonite in the driver's seat of the courtroom.
Renfield as Hairy Masonite: So you see your Honour the District Attorney Mr. Hamsterton Groundbeef's claim that my client put the cheese in the mousetrap that killed his cheeseaholic Aunt Elsie is clearly false.
If Mr. Hamsterton Groundbeef had bothered to check the facts, he would have discovered that my client has a severe allergy to dairy products and putting the cheese in that trap would have sent my client into a severe allergic reaction from which he might never have recovered.
Announcer: Once again proud Kia Cadenza owner Hairy Masonite saves the day and another innocent hamster goes free spared the gallows and District Attorney Hamsterton Groundbeef's ineptitude.
Renfield as Hairy Masonite (standing on the steps of the courthouse and waving to his client): And in the words of the immortal Leonard Nimoy in his greatest role as Mr. Spock, "Live long and prosper." (uses one of his hamster front paws to give the Vulcan salute for the Vulcan proverb Live long and prosper)
His client (waving on sidewalk): Thanks Mr. Masonite.
(turns and crosses the street and is immediately hit by a bus)
Announcer: The new 2015 Kia Cadenza.
Because sometimes it's just safer to drive across the street...
Sent from my iPhone
This was the TV ad that Renfield did as a shapeshifting hamster for KIA Motors.
Announcer: What sort of car does successful hamster defense attorney Hairy Masonite drive?
Renfield as Hairy Masonite (doing his best Raymond Burr impersonation): Why a 2015 Kia Cadenza of course.
Announcer: And driving to work in the driver's seat of a new Kia Cadenza helps keep Hairy Masonite in the driver's seat of the courtroom.
Renfield as Hairy Masonite: So you see your Honour the District Attorney Mr. Hamsterton Groundbeef's claim that my client put the cheese in the mousetrap that killed his cheeseaholic Aunt Elsie is clearly false.
If Mr. Hamsterton Groundbeef had bothered to check the facts, he would have discovered that my client has a severe allergy to dairy products and putting the cheese in that trap would have sent my client into a severe allergic reaction from which he might never have recovered.
Announcer: Once again proud Kia Cadenza owner Hairy Masonite saves the day and another innocent hamster goes free spared the gallows and District Attorney Hamsterton Groundbeef's ineptitude.
Renfield as Hairy Masonite (standing on the steps of the courthouse and waving to his client): And in the words of the immortal Leonard Nimoy in his greatest role as Mr. Spock, "Live long and prosper." (uses one of his hamster front paws to give the Vulcan salute for the Vulcan proverb Live long and prosper)
His client (waving on sidewalk): Thanks Mr. Masonite.
(turns and crosses the street and is immediately hit by a bus)
Announcer: The new 2015 Kia Cadenza.
Because sometimes it's just safer to drive across the street...
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, March 21, 2015
Renfield Wants To Do A TV Ad
Renfield Wants To Do A TV Ad
Renfield R. Renfield was sporting a huge bruise as a result of being hit over the head by a spiked stiletto high-heeled shoe wielded by the Egyptian Vampiress Isis this pastThursday night.
It was a good thing he had been wearing a wig that made him look like Bruce Jenner on a bad hair day or otherwise the bruise might have been even worse.
"I wonder why Jaguar never asked me to do a TV commercial advertising their cars like they did Dr. Cadbury Rocher," Renfield mused aloud as he held a beef steak over his head.
"Don't know," Amadeus Emanon shrugged as he watched the frozen beef steak melting on Renfield's forehead.
"I think I'd be excellent at doing commercials," sighed Renfield.
"Well you have the ability to shapeshift into a hamster, why don't you apply to do a TV ad for KIA motors since they have hamsters in their TV commercials?" Amadeus suggested.
"That's an excellent idea," Renfield went over to his computer to google the nearest KIA motors dealership.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 21st
2015.
Renfield R. Renfield was sporting a huge bruise as a result of being hit over the head by a spiked stiletto high-heeled shoe wielded by the Egyptian Vampiress Isis this pastThursday night.
It was a good thing he had been wearing a wig that made him look like Bruce Jenner on a bad hair day or otherwise the bruise might have been even worse.
"I wonder why Jaguar never asked me to do a TV commercial advertising their cars like they did Dr. Cadbury Rocher," Renfield mused aloud as he held a beef steak over his head.
"Don't know," Amadeus Emanon shrugged as he watched the frozen beef steak melting on Renfield's forehead.
"I think I'd be excellent at doing commercials," sighed Renfield.
"Well you have the ability to shapeshift into a hamster, why don't you apply to do a TV ad for KIA motors since they have hamsters in their TV commercials?" Amadeus suggested.
"That's an excellent idea," Renfield went over to his computer to google the nearest KIA motors dealership.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 21st
2015.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Isis Stabs Sir Elton John In The Back
Isis Stabs Sir Elton John In The Back
The Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis was having dinner with a British cabinet minister in an exclusive London restaurant.
They were discussing the upcoming British general election, the state of Anglo-French relations, the emerging German domination of the European Union and the possibility of an Entente forming between Greece and Russia.
Spying on them and eavesdropping at the next table was Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Isis' arch-enemy the London-based ancient Egyptian Vampire Set.
To escape the Vampiress Isis' recognition and detection, Renfield had disguised himself by dressing up to look like Bruce Jenner if he/she was having a bad hair day.
"Didn't the noted sanity challenged scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher work for you for a while?" The British cabinet minister asked Isis.
"He did," Isis admitted, "but that nasty swine of a shapeshifting hamster/ human Renfield snatched him back to work for the Vampire Set again."
Renfield quickly sprayed some more Febreze air freshener on his wig as a make-shift hairspray.
"Plus I see Dr. Cadbury Rocher is now doing TV commercials for Jaguar automobiles," Isis put some red lipstick on her already blood red lips.
"He is?" The British cabinet minister seemed surprised.
"Yes," Isis applied some more jet black mascara to her already jet black eyelashes, "the one where he takes a cylinder shaped glass elevator down to his secret laboratory brimming with automobiles and announces to the world "The devil is in the details" and then says "Oh yes, there's method to my madness" as he drives away in either a red or a white Jaguar depending on which ad is being shown."
"Now, that you mentioned it, I guess I have seen that commercial," the cabinet minister sipped his Brandy.
Renfield silently seethed at the next table and wondered why he had never been asked to do a TV ad for Jaguar as he ragingly spilled hot chocolate over his formerly white blouse.
"That's a lovely gown you're wearing," the cabinet minister admired Isis' scarlet red evening dress.
"Thanks," Isis smiled, "It's a Dolce Gabbana."
"That's a Dolce Gabbana?" The minister put on his spectacles to get a better look down the front of her dress.
"Yes, Dolce Gabbana," Isis nodded.
"Well, you're certainly going to lose the admiration of Sir Elton John and his synthetic children over that," Renfield piped up from the next table.
To be continued.
- A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 19th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
The Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis was having dinner with a British cabinet minister in an exclusive London restaurant.
They were discussing the upcoming British general election, the state of Anglo-French relations, the emerging German domination of the European Union and the possibility of an Entente forming between Greece and Russia.
Spying on them and eavesdropping at the next table was Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Isis' arch-enemy the London-based ancient Egyptian Vampire Set.
To escape the Vampiress Isis' recognition and detection, Renfield had disguised himself by dressing up to look like Bruce Jenner if he/she was having a bad hair day.
"Didn't the noted sanity challenged scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher work for you for a while?" The British cabinet minister asked Isis.
"He did," Isis admitted, "but that nasty swine of a shapeshifting hamster/ human Renfield snatched him back to work for the Vampire Set again."
Renfield quickly sprayed some more Febreze air freshener on his wig as a make-shift hairspray.
"Plus I see Dr. Cadbury Rocher is now doing TV commercials for Jaguar automobiles," Isis put some red lipstick on her already blood red lips.
"He is?" The British cabinet minister seemed surprised.
"Yes," Isis applied some more jet black mascara to her already jet black eyelashes, "the one where he takes a cylinder shaped glass elevator down to his secret laboratory brimming with automobiles and announces to the world "The devil is in the details" and then says "Oh yes, there's method to my madness" as he drives away in either a red or a white Jaguar depending on which ad is being shown."
"Now, that you mentioned it, I guess I have seen that commercial," the cabinet minister sipped his Brandy.
Renfield silently seethed at the next table and wondered why he had never been asked to do a TV ad for Jaguar as he ragingly spilled hot chocolate over his formerly white blouse.
"That's a lovely gown you're wearing," the cabinet minister admired Isis' scarlet red evening dress.
"Thanks," Isis smiled, "It's a Dolce Gabbana."
"That's a Dolce Gabbana?" The minister put on his spectacles to get a better look down the front of her dress.
"Yes, Dolce Gabbana," Isis nodded.
"Well, you're certainly going to lose the admiration of Sir Elton John and his synthetic children over that," Renfield piped up from the next table.
To be continued.
- A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 19th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
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