Donald Trump Meets Pan Goatee
"What's an ugly looking woman doing in my dressing room?" Donald Trump
screamed prior to doing a TV interview, "I didn't ask for an ugly
looking woman in my dressing room. If it was a beautiful looking woman, I
wouldn't have a problem. Beautiful is good. But what the Hell is an
ugly looking woman doing in my dressing room? I shouldn't have to face
someone who looks like Hillary until the campaign after Labour Day."
Pan Goatee astral projects from the back rooms of The Dionysus Tavern where he had been sampling some of the god Dionysus' wine.
"Sounds like I heard the call of a red spider monkey fur toupee in distress," Pan Goatee shouted.
Then he turned and saw what it was that Donald Trump saw, "Egad! Is this
a blemish on humanity I see before me? Come! Let me cut thy head off.
God. That was easy. I'm glad I didn't have the same problems that
MacBeth did in his nocturnal visions of daggers when he was
contemplating bumping off Duncan. Duncan probably wasn't ugly and that's
why those weapons of the night created such existential angst for
MacBeth as a result."
Trump opened the dressing room door and screamed, "This ugly looking
creature is now bleeding out of more places than Megyn Kelly. Would
someone get the janitor or cleaning woman... and preferably a good
looking one at that to come in and clean this place up."
Pan Goatee kicked the head with the accompanying ugly face far down the hall.
"At least that's now out of your hair," Pan Goatee said.
Trump turned to the full length mirror he had requested for his dressing room and used a banana shaped comb to comb his hair.
"Thanks for your help," Trump turned to thank the satyr serial killer
for his assistance but Pan Goatee had already astral projected to a
movie theatre to watch the new movie Gods of Egypt.
"Who was that goat-legged man?" Trump's question echoed through the dressing room.
In the distance could be heard an echo saying, "Heigh-Ho machete away."
While the William Tell Overture played in the background.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 9th
2016.
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Cthulhu Rising: A Poem
Beneath the waters of the South Pacific
lies a place quite horrific
The underwater city of R'lyeh
where sailors dare not parley
a city inhabited by a monstrous beast
if you saw him, on you he'd feast
and drink wine fermented by yeast
The beast a mix of octopus, man and dragon
alcoholics who see him fall off the wagon
he stands hundreds of meters tall
so when he goes down, it's quite the fall
with webbed human looking arms and legs
he has some difficulty getting at rum from kegs
a pair of rudimentary wings on its back
testified to by a hippy on crack
with octopus head and so many tentacles surrounding its mouth
it has some trouble gazing anatomically south
Simply looking upon the creature drives one insane
and your wife will then find you a first rate pain
And so on this March night in 2016
beneath the ocean was set this scene
Cthulhu arose from his sleep
rising to the surface without a peep
and feeling an oncoming attack of diarrhea
swam far to distant coasts of Syria
And there amidst his watery stool
navies of the world will play the fool
armies and forces of the air too
so will unfold a new Waterloo
but which world empire will crumble into dust
and all its military equipment left to rust
soon time will tell and all will unfold
for those left, death will seem more precious than gold
-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 8th 2016.
Monday, March 7, 2016
Pan Goatee Meets Zeus
Pan Goatee Meets Zeus
Pan Goatee was walking down the street enjoying a spring like day when suddenly a facially aesthetically challenged woman breezed by him.
"Ugly looking thing," Pan Goatee said to himself, "The 24-hour laundromat will still be open when this loser with no social life gets there."
Pan Goatee removed his machete from his belt and hoofing along on his hooved feet he quickly caught up with the ugly looking creature and beheaded her.
A gentleman with silver curly hair and silver beard applauded him.
"Thanks for the standing ovation," Pan Goatee bowed, "and may I add, you look very familiar?".
"You've probably seen my picture in the encyclopedia and on TV shows on those rare nights when they actually show interesting programs on The History Channel," the bearded man replied, "I'm the Greek god Zeus also known as Jove to some and also known as Jupiter to the Romans."
"That's where I've seen you," Pan grinned.
"And you look like the god Pan the god of the fields, groves and wooded glens whose death is recorded in Plutarch," Zeus answered.
"How did he die?" Pan Goatee asked.
"It was drinking some wine that killed him," Zeus noted sadly.
"It must have been bad wine," Pan Goatee decided not to enter the wine store he had been headed to.
"Surprisingly it was good wine," Zeus replied, "the best wine he had tasted in his life were the last words he spoke before croaking."
"Interesting," Pan Goatee was enjoying the first handed historical account.
"It happened at a wedding in Cana of Galilee back in the reign of the Emperor Tiberius," Zeus recalled.
"I must make a note not to attend any weddings," Pan Goatee made a notation in his iPhone reminders.
"I really appreciate the way you've been killing off ugly women," Zeus complimented the satyr, "these days it's so hard for me to find a beautiful mortal woman to sleep with and beget some more demi-gods. For supposed progress in evolution like the Darwinists and Marxists assure us is happening, humanity has certainly gone down hill in terms of feminine beauty particularly in English-speaking North America where the application of sharia law and women wearing veils should really be applied."
"And to think that idiot Donald Trump wants to deport the Mexicans," Pan said in disgust.
"What fools these mortals be," Zeus invited him to come with him to visit his son Dionysus' bar where wine non-lethal to satyrs was being served.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 7th
2016.
Pan Goatee was walking down the street enjoying a spring like day when suddenly a facially aesthetically challenged woman breezed by him.
"Ugly looking thing," Pan Goatee said to himself, "The 24-hour laundromat will still be open when this loser with no social life gets there."
Pan Goatee removed his machete from his belt and hoofing along on his hooved feet he quickly caught up with the ugly looking creature and beheaded her.
A gentleman with silver curly hair and silver beard applauded him.
"Thanks for the standing ovation," Pan Goatee bowed, "and may I add, you look very familiar?".
"You've probably seen my picture in the encyclopedia and on TV shows on those rare nights when they actually show interesting programs on The History Channel," the bearded man replied, "I'm the Greek god Zeus also known as Jove to some and also known as Jupiter to the Romans."
"That's where I've seen you," Pan grinned.
"And you look like the god Pan the god of the fields, groves and wooded glens whose death is recorded in Plutarch," Zeus answered.
"How did he die?" Pan Goatee asked.
"It was drinking some wine that killed him," Zeus noted sadly.
"It must have been bad wine," Pan Goatee decided not to enter the wine store he had been headed to.
"Surprisingly it was good wine," Zeus replied, "the best wine he had tasted in his life were the last words he spoke before croaking."
"Interesting," Pan Goatee was enjoying the first handed historical account.
"It happened at a wedding in Cana of Galilee back in the reign of the Emperor Tiberius," Zeus recalled.
"I must make a note not to attend any weddings," Pan Goatee made a notation in his iPhone reminders.
"I really appreciate the way you've been killing off ugly women," Zeus complimented the satyr, "these days it's so hard for me to find a beautiful mortal woman to sleep with and beget some more demi-gods. For supposed progress in evolution like the Darwinists and Marxists assure us is happening, humanity has certainly gone down hill in terms of feminine beauty particularly in English-speaking North America where the application of sharia law and women wearing veils should really be applied."
"And to think that idiot Donald Trump wants to deport the Mexicans," Pan said in disgust.
"What fools these mortals be," Zeus invited him to come with him to visit his son Dionysus' bar where wine non-lethal to satyrs was being served.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 7th
2016.
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Pan Goatee's Ongoing Efforts To Make The World A More Beautiful Place To Live
Pan Goatee's Ongoing Efforts To Make The World A More Beautiful
Place To Live
"Jesus fucking H. Christ, that woman's repulsively ugly," serial killer and U.S. government contract assassin Pan Goatee thought to himself when he noticed the walking outhouse droppings ugly woman cyclist standing at the corner holding on to her bicycle (what incredibly bad deeds had this ill-fated bicycle done in a past incarnation that assigned him such an incredibly Hellish fate of karma in this lifetime?).
One thing that Pan Goatee had noted in his existence since he was genetically created in a lab as a reborn satyr from Greek mythology 3 years ago was that most women cyclists were quite repulsively ugly.
He didn't know why (the more Sherlock Holmesian inclined genetic creation Renfield R. Renfield would have deduced that it was probably because beautiful women got driven to and fro in luxury automobiles owned by guys while of course the ugly women didn't).
As such brainless big city mayors shouldn't be shutting down lanes of streets, roads and highways to allow for more bicycle lanes and paths.
This only encouraged the ugly of the world to leave their rooms and closets and dark holes (where they belonged!) and go out and about in the external world (ruining everyone's day when they were confronted with the sight of such disgraceful aesthetic abominations of nature gone horribly and terribly wrong).
As the ugly cyclist walked by, Pan Goatee lopped off her ugly head with a machete.
"You stupid ugly looking piece of shit," Pan Goatee shouted, "I'm going to make an example of you.."
He then used the machete to chop her entire body up into thinly sliced pieces of flesh and bone on the street.
The video went viral.
"I like this guy," Renfield R. Renfield commented as he ate some popcorn and got a blow job from an admittedly beautiful woman.
"I like this guy," former U.S. President Bill Clinton said as he watched the video on a desktop computer.
"Bill, what are you doing?" Hillary screamed as she entered the office, "and what is that young female campaign intern doing between your legs?".
"I have no idea, dear," Bill gulped, "I didn't even know she was down there. I swear. I did not have..."
"I like this guy," the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl said as he watched the popular YouTube video while eating a bucket of human hearts and a bucket of KFC at the same time.
As he licked his fingers and wondered where his wet wipe finger tissues got to, he contemplated the idea of a Trump Presidency and wondered whether a wall built along the Mexico-U.S. border would block easy access to the Aztec gold that America Unearthed History Channel TV host Scott Wolter claimed was secretly buried somewhere in the American state of Utah.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 2nd
2016.
Place To Live
"Jesus fucking H. Christ, that woman's repulsively ugly," serial killer and U.S. government contract assassin Pan Goatee thought to himself when he noticed the walking outhouse droppings ugly woman cyclist standing at the corner holding on to her bicycle (what incredibly bad deeds had this ill-fated bicycle done in a past incarnation that assigned him such an incredibly Hellish fate of karma in this lifetime?).
One thing that Pan Goatee had noted in his existence since he was genetically created in a lab as a reborn satyr from Greek mythology 3 years ago was that most women cyclists were quite repulsively ugly.
He didn't know why (the more Sherlock Holmesian inclined genetic creation Renfield R. Renfield would have deduced that it was probably because beautiful women got driven to and fro in luxury automobiles owned by guys while of course the ugly women didn't).
As such brainless big city mayors shouldn't be shutting down lanes of streets, roads and highways to allow for more bicycle lanes and paths.
This only encouraged the ugly of the world to leave their rooms and closets and dark holes (where they belonged!) and go out and about in the external world (ruining everyone's day when they were confronted with the sight of such disgraceful aesthetic abominations of nature gone horribly and terribly wrong).
As the ugly cyclist walked by, Pan Goatee lopped off her ugly head with a machete.
"You stupid ugly looking piece of shit," Pan Goatee shouted, "I'm going to make an example of you.."
He then used the machete to chop her entire body up into thinly sliced pieces of flesh and bone on the street.
The video went viral.
"I like this guy," Renfield R. Renfield commented as he ate some popcorn and got a blow job from an admittedly beautiful woman.
"I like this guy," former U.S. President Bill Clinton said as he watched the video on a desktop computer.
"Bill, what are you doing?" Hillary screamed as she entered the office, "and what is that young female campaign intern doing between your legs?".
"I have no idea, dear," Bill gulped, "I didn't even know she was down there. I swear. I did not have..."
"I like this guy," the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl said as he watched the popular YouTube video while eating a bucket of human hearts and a bucket of KFC at the same time.
As he licked his fingers and wondered where his wet wipe finger tissues got to, he contemplated the idea of a Trump Presidency and wondered whether a wall built along the Mexico-U.S. border would block easy access to the Aztec gold that America Unearthed History Channel TV host Scott Wolter claimed was secretly buried somewhere in the American state of Utah.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 2nd
2016.
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
The Falcon Cannot Hear The Falconer
The Falcon Cannot Hear The Falconer
The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set walked the streets of London.
He had on a black top hat, a black cape, black pants and black boots and carried a black jackal headed walking stick.
He passed by a pawn shop which had an old television set in the window.
On the old TV, CNN's Anderson Cooper could be seen interviewing Set's Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering Renfield R. Renfield who was running for U.S. President despite having been created in a test tube in a genetics lab in Britain.
Renfield told Cooper, "Donald Trump is Hitler minus the moustache."
Meanwhile Set walked down a back alley.
That's when he noticed a man standing there urinating in the alley outside a seedy nightclub back exit door.
Set immediately recognized the man's spiritual aura.
His right hand clenched his jackal headed walking stick.
His left hand rose like a fist of five sharp swords.
For his fingernails were very long and razor sharp (the length of his fingernails made Freddy Kreuger's fingernails look like he had just got back from the manicurist).
The fingernails of the left hand of Set cut and ripped through the urinating man's neck and tore his head off.
Set then kicked the severed head of the urinating man (that continued urinating despite the loss of the man's head) down into a nearby gutter and continued walking down the alley.
The man's head then turned into a falcon and flew away.
It flew away and flew straight over the clock tower of Big Ben over the Thames and then rose into the sky uttering a bloodcurdling cry.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 1st
2016.
The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set walked the streets of London.
He had on a black top hat, a black cape, black pants and black boots and carried a black jackal headed walking stick.
He passed by a pawn shop which had an old television set in the window.
On the old TV, CNN's Anderson Cooper could be seen interviewing Set's Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering Renfield R. Renfield who was running for U.S. President despite having been created in a test tube in a genetics lab in Britain.
Renfield told Cooper, "Donald Trump is Hitler minus the moustache."
Meanwhile Set walked down a back alley.
That's when he noticed a man standing there urinating in the alley outside a seedy nightclub back exit door.
Set immediately recognized the man's spiritual aura.
His right hand clenched his jackal headed walking stick.
His left hand rose like a fist of five sharp swords.
For his fingernails were very long and razor sharp (the length of his fingernails made Freddy Kreuger's fingernails look like he had just got back from the manicurist).
The fingernails of the left hand of Set cut and ripped through the urinating man's neck and tore his head off.
Set then kicked the severed head of the urinating man (that continued urinating despite the loss of the man's head) down into a nearby gutter and continued walking down the alley.
The man's head then turned into a falcon and flew away.
It flew away and flew straight over the clock tower of Big Ben over the Thames and then rose into the sky uttering a bloodcurdling cry.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 1st
2016.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Michelangelo's Dream of Papal Prayer Video
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was sleeping in his aquarium down at the Set Enterprises Lab.
He was having a dream about the papal prayer video that Pope Francis would be releasing for the month of March (starting this year of 2016, instead of releasing his monthly prayer intercessions via text and press release announcement, Pope Francis announced his prayer intentions for the next month via video).
In the video that he saw in his dream, Michelangelo saw two influential Vatican cardinals Cardinal Walter Kasper and Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi engaged in a deeply ecumenical interfaith inter religious dialogue with the ancient Canaanite deity Moloch as the bronze statue of the god accepted children in a fiery form of human sacrifice.
Michelangelo woke up screeching.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday February 28th
2016.
Friday, February 26, 2016
Turning and Turning In The Widening Gyre
Turning And Turning In The Widening Gyre
Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's colossal London mansion watching the BBC World News on television.
Said the announcer, "A woman who was smuggling a half pound of cocaine in her vagina through New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport has been arrested..."
"Wow," said Renfield, "that gives a whole new meaning to the term... crack cocaine."
. . .
The secret service agent was on his smart phone to a police buddy of his in New York.
Said his police buddy on the line, "And before you know it, that little pussy was singing like a canary..."
"Things go better with Coke," a radio commercial played in the background.
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was positively beaming as he stood behind Donald Trump up on the platform having just given his endorsement.
Thought Christie to himself, "I do hope now that the Donald will return the favour and name me his running mate..."
Meanwhile back in New York, an airport drug sniffing dog was now having the mother of all orgasms.
"Oh God," said his handler, "I'm really going to have to wash my leg thoroughly when I get home. Never have I seen Bruno so excited..."
. . .
Former Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev was in his apartment looking at photos of former U.S. President Ronald Reagan and the late Pope John Paul II.
"Those were the days when truly great men walked the earth," Gorbachev mused aloud, "when despite our differences we did try to make this world a better place to live in- for ourselves and the generations that would come after us."
He glanced over at newspaper clippings on the clipping board above his granddaughter's desk showing today's current crop of world leaders.
On his granddaughter's empty chair was a sign that said OUT TO LUNCH.
On the television screen, images of more casualties in Syria despite the purported ceasefire.
And even more mysteriously on the ground crawling over the dead bodies was a sinister looking charcoal burnt Black Hand.
. . .
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 26th
2016.
Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's colossal London mansion watching the BBC World News on television.
Said the announcer, "A woman who was smuggling a half pound of cocaine in her vagina through New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport has been arrested..."
"Wow," said Renfield, "that gives a whole new meaning to the term... crack cocaine."
. . .
The secret service agent was on his smart phone to a police buddy of his in New York.
Said his police buddy on the line, "And before you know it, that little pussy was singing like a canary..."
"Things go better with Coke," a radio commercial played in the background.
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was positively beaming as he stood behind Donald Trump up on the platform having just given his endorsement.
Thought Christie to himself, "I do hope now that the Donald will return the favour and name me his running mate..."
Meanwhile back in New York, an airport drug sniffing dog was now having the mother of all orgasms.
"Oh God," said his handler, "I'm really going to have to wash my leg thoroughly when I get home. Never have I seen Bruno so excited..."
. . .
Former Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev was in his apartment looking at photos of former U.S. President Ronald Reagan and the late Pope John Paul II.
"Those were the days when truly great men walked the earth," Gorbachev mused aloud, "when despite our differences we did try to make this world a better place to live in- for ourselves and the generations that would come after us."
He glanced over at newspaper clippings on the clipping board above his granddaughter's desk showing today's current crop of world leaders.
On his granddaughter's empty chair was a sign that said OUT TO LUNCH.
On the television screen, images of more casualties in Syria despite the purported ceasefire.
And even more mysteriously on the ground crawling over the dead bodies was a sinister looking charcoal burnt Black Hand.
. . .
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 26th
2016.
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