Kraken Skatin' In Tel Aviv

Kraken Skatin'  In Tel Aviv


The cyborg octopus Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (he had been Italian sanity challenged scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of the cyborg/octopus he had prepared in his lab) stepped on to the shore of Tel Aviv, Israel.


Medusa (the former gorgon who had finally got rid of her snaky hairstyle thanks to Dr. Cadbury Rocher's robotic barber that he had invented) walked on water and then on to the shore wearing a beautiful aquamarine blue evening dress.


"Jesus Christ!" shouted an American Southern Baptist minister who was suntanning on the beach, "do you see that beautiful woman who can walk on water?".


As the Baptist minister wrestled with himself over the most pressing theological question on his mind at the moment- whether or not masturbation was a sin- he failed to take notice of the Kraken who was helping himself to an 8 armsload of kosher hot dogs from a kosher hot dogs vendor on the beach.


The protesting kosher hots dog vendor found himself lifted and thrown into the water by one of the Kraken's robotic metallic hook tentacles.


"What a pain in the ass!" The vendor shouted as the salt water licked the wounds of the spot where the metallic hooked tentacles had grabbed him.


Having eaten and then belched and then scratching his stomach (thankful that he no longer had to wear a belt), the Kraken headed off the beach and off in the direction of downtown Tel Aviv.

"Where are you going?" Medusa floated in the air alongside him.


"Finding myself a skateboard park," said the Kraken, "I want to learn how to skateboard."


"Okay," said Medusa, "I hope you don't mind if I spend some time shopping in Tel Aviv's fashion district."


"No, go ahead," the Kraken shrugged his tentacles.


Unlike the former Bruce Jenner, Napoleon VI was one guy who didn't really enjoy shopping for women's clothing.


Napoleon VI had decided while doing the backstroke across the Mediterranean to go to Tel Aviv to learn to skateboard.


The reason? He felt compelled to go to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem for some reason.

An inner voice told him that there was a cavern underneath the Temple Mount that led to an underground sea deep under the mountain.


This underground sea stretched far and wide and connected with the currently underwater Garden of Eden at the head of the Persian Gulf where the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers flow into the sea.


The Kraken resolved to go to Jerusalem, go up the Temple Mount, find the underground cavern leading to the underground sea, swim to the undersea Garden of Eden, strangle the Cherubim sentinels with his robotic metallic hooked tentacles, and use the memory of his martial arts skills to use his 8 arms to do battle with the flaming sword that turned every which way while guarding the Tree of Life.


He would then eat the fruit of the Tree of Life so that he could live forever.


A back-up plan just on the off-chance that the Transhumanist scientific theories he subscribed to that he could make himself immortal by uploading his consciousness into a cyborg/ biological creature hybrid turned out to be wrong.

Of course for a great scientific genius like himself, he knew that was virtually impossible.


Still that one question about ethics in the practice of science on his final year of Undergraduate exams at Cambridge University had really tripped him up.

It blew his chances of getting a perfect score on that test.


So he realized it was better to be safe than dead.


Hence his desire to use the Jerusalem Temple Mount underground corridor to use the underground sea to reach the underwater Garden of Eden and eat of the fruit of the Tree of Life so he could live forever.


Just as California mass murderer Charles Manson believed that the Beatles' song Helter Skelter was a prophecy of a coming race war in the United States (which may finally be coming true in 2015 thanks to trigger happy cops), so the Kraken Napoleon VI believed that the Beatles' song An Octopus' Garden In The Shade was a prophecy of his (the Kraken's) finding the Garden of Eden under the sea.


So what did any of this have to do with his desire to learn to skateboard?


Well, the thought occurred to him that when he landed on the beaches of Tel Aviv, people might become suspicious if they noticed an 8 armed octopus with robotic metallic hooks on its tentacles walk from Tel Aviv to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.


They probably wouldn't be as suspicious of Medusa now that she no longer sported snakes for curls in her hair.

Of course Medusa being a witch did have the power to glide inches above water and inches above the ground.

Still most Israelis would probably just think she was a woman who had successfully mastered Maharishi Mahesh Yogi's Transcendental Meditation technique of yogic flying, the Kraken reflected, as the Beatles song The Fool On The Hill played from the radio of a Tel Aviv Chinese grocery store he passed on the street.


After all if a rock and roll slut like Madonna could claim to be a practitioner of Kabbalah, then surely an ex-Gorgon could be accepted as a yogic flying adept?


As for himself, the Kraken Napoleon VI figured that if he skateboarded all the way from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem's Temple Mount, he wouldn't be mistaken for such an oddity.


The Kraken found a Tel Aviv skateboard park.

The park was instantly cleared of hundreds of skateboarders for some reason when the 8 armed giant cyborg octopus Kraken made his appearance on the concrete.


One long haired heavy metal singer headbanger looking skateboarder who had fallen off his skateboard when the Kraken made his appearance was still lying dazed on the pavement when Napoleon VI  pointed one of his cyborg hooked tentacle arms at him, "You."


"Please," the skateboarder pleaded, "I gave at the office."

"And I gave at the sexually transmitted diseases clinic when I was human," the Kraken shook his head, "I want you to teach me how to skateboard."


One thing the skateboarder had learned in his young life was when an 8 armed octopus with metallic robotic hooks on his tentacles asks you to teach him how to skateboard, you don't argue.

Within a couple of hours, the cyborg octopus Kraken had turned into a master skateboarder the same way an expert fisherman who spends his nights alone on a fishing boat turns into a master baiter.


Having completed his lesson, the Kraken grabbed the young headbanger's skateboard and thanking him for both the lesson and the skateboard, he doffed his Napoleon Bonaparte style hat to him and bid him adieu.

"You're welcome," the young skateboarder supposed he should be grateful that he got away with his life intact but still, he reflected, that had been a darn expensive skateboard.


A Hezbollah suicide bomber (who had arrived in Tel Aviv clandestinely by sea on the orders of Barack Obama's new bosom bum buddies the despotic mullahs of Iran) blew himself up prematurely when he saw the 8 armed cyborg octopus Kraken with metallic robotic hooks on his tentacles skate by on his skateboard that bore the image of reggae singer Bob Marley.


The Islamist terrorist was thus the only casualty of his premature detonation.


The skateboarding Kraken caught up with the beautiful Medusa just as she was leaving one of Tel Aviv's most exclusive ladies' fashion stores.

She was carrying dozens of shopping bags.

"Here carry these for me, will you," she threw the shopping bags into the Kraken's 8 arms as she started to glide above the ground.

"Me?" The Kraken almost fell off his skateboard under the weight of all those shopping bags.


"Well," Medusa reached into her Gucci purse and brought out a compact mirror and hairbrush and started brushing her lovely snakeless hair, "you've got 8 arms, I've only got two."


"How am I suppose to maneuver on this skateboard carrying all these bags all the way to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem?" The Kraken demanded to know.

"I'm sure you'll find a way to manage," Medusa pressed her fingers to her lips in thoughtful contemplation, "I wonder if I should pick up a few extra pairs of pantyhose?".


"I hope we don't get spotted by any other Krakens on the way there," Napoleon VI sighed, "otherwise they're going to think I'm a real sissy."



To be continued.



-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
during the period
August 1st to 17th
2015.


Sent from my iPhone