"So who's this Herr Hans?" Hyung Grace Kwan asked Dracul Van Helsing.
"He's a theologian and a Catholic priest," Dracul replied, "but one who doesn't believe any of the articles of the Catholic Faith."
"And what does he do?" Hyung asked.
"He teaches theology at a Catholic University in Germany," Dracul answered, "and he served as a theologicial advisor to various bishops at the Second Vatican Council during the 1960s."
"And he's a worshipper of Isis and Osiris?" Hyung queried.
"Yes, he's on a mission to convert the world to Osiris worship by 2012," Dracul stated, "He's spent almost 50 years laying the ground work for it. Now comes the hour of his final push."
"How will he accomplish this now for his final two years?" Hyung wanted to know.
"The same way anyone does anything like that today- through the entertainment industry- TV, movies, music," Dracul answered.
* * *
Herr Hans was on the telephone, "Hello, my name is Herr Hans and I'd like to audition for an Old Spice commercial."
"Smell like a man, man," Herr Hans' parrot squawked before passing out from the extreme body odour.
* * *
To be continued.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Herr Hans' Call To Arms
Herr Hans looked at the name on the call display of his cell phone.
"Hello, Anne," Herr Hans gushed, "it's good to have you on board."
He talked for a few minutes and then ended the call.
* * *
Addressing the crowd of dark robed and cassocked seminarians, Herr Hans shouted, "Osiris is Earth's true god."
The seminarians leapt to their feet shouting, "Osiris is Earth's true god."
* * *
In London, the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set felt uneasy for some reason.
* * *
In his hotel room in Rome, Dracul Van Helsing was having trouble sleeping.
* * *
An Israeli astronomer noted a strange phenomenon from his observatory.
It looked like a star he had been observing directly over the West Bank town of Bethlehem had been extinguished.
To be continued.
"Hello, Anne," Herr Hans gushed, "it's good to have you on board."
He talked for a few minutes and then ended the call.
* * *
Addressing the crowd of dark robed and cassocked seminarians, Herr Hans shouted, "Osiris is Earth's true god."
The seminarians leapt to their feet shouting, "Osiris is Earth's true god."
* * *
In London, the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set felt uneasy for some reason.
* * *
In his hotel room in Rome, Dracul Van Helsing was having trouble sleeping.
* * *
An Israeli astronomer noted a strange phenomenon from his observatory.
It looked like a star he had been observing directly over the West Bank town of Bethlehem had been extinguished.
To be continued.
Friday, July 30, 2010
The Eternal City At Nightfall
Dracul Van Helsing and Hyung Grace Kwan were in a quiet cappuccino bar in downtown Rome.
A TV was playing in the restaurant although the sound was down.
"Do you have any idea who the fellow in the red Ferrari was?" Hyung asked.
"Yes, I seem to remember who he is now," Dracul answered.
On the TV came a news story about two Canadian CF-18 fighter planes repelling two Russian TU-95 bombers flying close to Canadian air space.
"What's up with that?" Hyung asked.
"It's curious," Dracul said, "Russia has been probing Canadian airspace quite heavily since 2007."
"What do you think is going on?" Hyung queried.
"Not quite sure," Dracul answered, "Putin is quite the chess player. It's difficult to see what he's up to."
At that moment, a red Ferrari whizzed by the cappuccino bar.
"Do you suppose that was your mysterious friend?" Hyung asked.
"I suspect it was," Dracul nodded.
On the radio inside the cappuccino bar, an old Beatles song played, "In times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom, let it be..."
To be continued.
A TV was playing in the restaurant although the sound was down.
"Do you have any idea who the fellow in the red Ferrari was?" Hyung asked.
"Yes, I seem to remember who he is now," Dracul answered.
On the TV came a news story about two Canadian CF-18 fighter planes repelling two Russian TU-95 bombers flying close to Canadian air space.
"What's up with that?" Hyung asked.
"It's curious," Dracul said, "Russia has been probing Canadian airspace quite heavily since 2007."
"What do you think is going on?" Hyung queried.
"Not quite sure," Dracul answered, "Putin is quite the chess player. It's difficult to see what he's up to."
At that moment, a red Ferrari whizzed by the cappuccino bar.
"Do you suppose that was your mysterious friend?" Hyung asked.
"I suspect it was," Dracul nodded.
On the radio inside the cappuccino bar, an old Beatles song played, "In times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom, let it be..."
To be continued.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
The Immortal In The Eternal City
Rome, 1963.
The figure had been seen driving his red Ferrari sports car around Rome for months and months.
As night fell, the red Ferrari pulled up outside the Bernini Hotel on the Plazza Barberini at the foot of the Via Veneto.
"Herr Hans," a woman in a scarlet evening dress that matched the colour of the red Ferrari spoke to the driver.
The driver took off his glasses and gazed at her, "Do I know you?".
"The name is Isis," the woman smiled and huge fang like incisors could be seen.
"Like the Egyptian goddess," said the driver.
"Would you believe me if I told you I am the Egyptian goddess Isis?" she approached him.
"Actually I would," he answered.
"Herr Hans, you've been worshipping me a long time," Isis kissed him on his forehead, "I've read your work. And I have a job for you. A job that will last your lifetime."
* * *
Rome, 2010.
Dracul Van Helsing stood next to the Fountain of Trevi.
He was waiting for his associate the vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan.
As evening twilight fell on Rome, he felt someone's gaze on him.
He turned away from the Fountain.
There standing in front of a red Ferrari sports car was a distinguished gray haired looking gentleman.
Dracul thought he recognized him. The face looked so familiar. Television perhaps?
The man got into the red Ferrari and drove off.
An elderly gentleman stopped by the fountain and gazed in the direction of the speeding red Ferrari.
"I remember a Ferrari exactly like that," the gentleman told Dracul, "you'd often see it speeding around the streets of Rome. My gosh so long ago. But I remember it well. The Second Vatican Council was starting to enter its second year."
To be continued.
The figure had been seen driving his red Ferrari sports car around Rome for months and months.
As night fell, the red Ferrari pulled up outside the Bernini Hotel on the Plazza Barberini at the foot of the Via Veneto.
"Herr Hans," a woman in a scarlet evening dress that matched the colour of the red Ferrari spoke to the driver.
The driver took off his glasses and gazed at her, "Do I know you?".
"The name is Isis," the woman smiled and huge fang like incisors could be seen.
"Like the Egyptian goddess," said the driver.
"Would you believe me if I told you I am the Egyptian goddess Isis?" she approached him.
"Actually I would," he answered.
"Herr Hans, you've been worshipping me a long time," Isis kissed him on his forehead, "I've read your work. And I have a job for you. A job that will last your lifetime."
* * *
Rome, 2010.
Dracul Van Helsing stood next to the Fountain of Trevi.
He was waiting for his associate the vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan.
As evening twilight fell on Rome, he felt someone's gaze on him.
He turned away from the Fountain.
There standing in front of a red Ferrari sports car was a distinguished gray haired looking gentleman.
Dracul thought he recognized him. The face looked so familiar. Television perhaps?
The man got into the red Ferrari and drove off.
An elderly gentleman stopped by the fountain and gazed in the direction of the speeding red Ferrari.
"I remember a Ferrari exactly like that," the gentleman told Dracul, "you'd often see it speeding around the streets of Rome. My gosh so long ago. But I remember it well. The Second Vatican Council was starting to enter its second year."
To be continued.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Vampiress Isis Hears The News of Vampire Set's Marriage Proposal
Cedarman was feeling a little dainty on his feet today as he walked towards the colossal drawing room of the colossal Paris mansion.
And it wasn't because he had watched a movie last night in which the late Truman Capote had made an appearance.
No, he was feeling dainty on his feet because he felt afraid.
The English butler and valet who had left his native land of bulldogs and steak and kidney pie for this land of poodles and puff pastries had to tell his mistress the ancient Egyptian vampiress Isis that her arch-enemy (and brother as well as brother-in-law) Set was getting married.
He wasn't sure how she'd take the news.
As Cedarman entered the room, a spiked stiletto high-heeled shoe flew by his nose.
"I take it you heard the news, Madame," he said as he picked up her heel.
"I have," Isis' face was about blue as her navy blue coloured evening dress.
Cedarman put the stiletto back on the vampiress' right foot.
She proceeded him to trample him under foot.
"You know I read somewhere," Cedarman remarked casually, "that some men get off on this."
"I suppose that would explain your erection then I notice which is currently emerging," Isis pressed her stiletto down hard on his stomach.
"Indeed, Ma'am," Cedarman nodded.
The broadcast of the Larry King Show on the TV set explained how his mistress Isis had heard the news of Set's impending nuptials.
"Now, Mr. Renfield R. Renfield," the bow-tie and suspenders wearing talk show host addressed the bow-tie and suspenders wearing shapeshifting hamster/human, "would you be willing to play again for us the song you were playing on your banjo the night your boss Set proposed to the Romanov billions heiress vampiress Martini?".
"Do you want me to use the ostrich I was riding as well?" Renfield asked.
"Should we use the ostrich?" Larry King looked over in the direction of his floor director.
The floor director nodded.
Larry King addressed the viewing audience, "As Anderson Cooper chases after the ostrich which has apparently left the building following an Elvis impersonator, we'll be right back after this message from KFC..."
To be continued.
And it wasn't because he had watched a movie last night in which the late Truman Capote had made an appearance.
No, he was feeling dainty on his feet because he felt afraid.
The English butler and valet who had left his native land of bulldogs and steak and kidney pie for this land of poodles and puff pastries had to tell his mistress the ancient Egyptian vampiress Isis that her arch-enemy (and brother as well as brother-in-law) Set was getting married.
He wasn't sure how she'd take the news.
As Cedarman entered the room, a spiked stiletto high-heeled shoe flew by his nose.
"I take it you heard the news, Madame," he said as he picked up her heel.
"I have," Isis' face was about blue as her navy blue coloured evening dress.
Cedarman put the stiletto back on the vampiress' right foot.
She proceeded him to trample him under foot.
"You know I read somewhere," Cedarman remarked casually, "that some men get off on this."
"I suppose that would explain your erection then I notice which is currently emerging," Isis pressed her stiletto down hard on his stomach.
"Indeed, Ma'am," Cedarman nodded.
The broadcast of the Larry King Show on the TV set explained how his mistress Isis had heard the news of Set's impending nuptials.
"Now, Mr. Renfield R. Renfield," the bow-tie and suspenders wearing talk show host addressed the bow-tie and suspenders wearing shapeshifting hamster/human, "would you be willing to play again for us the song you were playing on your banjo the night your boss Set proposed to the Romanov billions heiress vampiress Martini?".
"Do you want me to use the ostrich I was riding as well?" Renfield asked.
"Should we use the ostrich?" Larry King looked over in the direction of his floor director.
The floor director nodded.
Larry King addressed the viewing audience, "As Anderson Cooper chases after the ostrich which has apparently left the building following an Elvis impersonator, we'll be right back after this message from KFC..."
To be continued.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Billionaire Ancient Egyptian Vampire Set Proposes Marriage
Renfield R. Renfield had been planning this for months.
In an effort to make his boss Set a billionaire again, he had been writing love letters to the Vampiress Martini the world-famous vampiress with amnesia and signing those love letters with Set's name.
The Vampiress Martini turned out to be the heiress to the Romanov billions as she had been married back in 1931 to George Count Brasov (a nephew of Czar Nicholas II) and the heir to the Russian Imperial Throne.
Now of course his boss Set was a billionaire again when Set won billions by betting all his fortune on Spain winning the 2010 World Cup FIFA Final in Johannesburg South Africa.
Set had followed the advice of a psychic octopus named Paul in making this bet.
However after consulting with a talented female banker in Malaysia (who just happened to be a fan of the Liverpool Football Club), Renfield made the brilliant deduction that Set would be an even richer vampire if he merged his billions with the billions of the Vampiress Martini.
Therefore he told Set that he should take Martini on a romantic getaway to a Caribbean island and propose to her.
And so there they were on the island of Saint Kitts in the Caribbean- it was a moonlit night with a full moon, the stars were shining in the night sky and the starfish were shining under neon lights that Renfield had put up along the sandy beach.
Set handed Martini a beautiful red rose in (coincidentally enough!) a martini glass.
As she sniffed the rose and Sean Connery on television intoned, "The name's Bond... James Bond" and the voice of Leonardo Dicaprio intoned on the TV set from the adjacent hotel room, "Don't you die on me, Rose..."
Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon entered the room riding bareback on live ostriches and playing on their respective banjos the song Some Enchanted Evening from the late 1940s musical South Pacific.
Set got down on one knee accidently crushing the vuvuzela Renfield had left for him on the floor to play romantic love songs on.
"Martini," he asked, "will you marry me?".
From the next room, the voice of Celine Dion could be heard singing, "My heart will go on..."
In the room upstairs, one of the world's leading heart surgeons who was on vacation just died of cardiac arrest.
To be continued.
In an effort to make his boss Set a billionaire again, he had been writing love letters to the Vampiress Martini the world-famous vampiress with amnesia and signing those love letters with Set's name.
The Vampiress Martini turned out to be the heiress to the Romanov billions as she had been married back in 1931 to George Count Brasov (a nephew of Czar Nicholas II) and the heir to the Russian Imperial Throne.
Now of course his boss Set was a billionaire again when Set won billions by betting all his fortune on Spain winning the 2010 World Cup FIFA Final in Johannesburg South Africa.
Set had followed the advice of a psychic octopus named Paul in making this bet.
However after consulting with a talented female banker in Malaysia (who just happened to be a fan of the Liverpool Football Club), Renfield made the brilliant deduction that Set would be an even richer vampire if he merged his billions with the billions of the Vampiress Martini.
Therefore he told Set that he should take Martini on a romantic getaway to a Caribbean island and propose to her.
And so there they were on the island of Saint Kitts in the Caribbean- it was a moonlit night with a full moon, the stars were shining in the night sky and the starfish were shining under neon lights that Renfield had put up along the sandy beach.
Set handed Martini a beautiful red rose in (coincidentally enough!) a martini glass.
As she sniffed the rose and Sean Connery on television intoned, "The name's Bond... James Bond" and the voice of Leonardo Dicaprio intoned on the TV set from the adjacent hotel room, "Don't you die on me, Rose..."
Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon entered the room riding bareback on live ostriches and playing on their respective banjos the song Some Enchanted Evening from the late 1940s musical South Pacific.
Set got down on one knee accidently crushing the vuvuzela Renfield had left for him on the floor to play romantic love songs on.
"Martini," he asked, "will you marry me?".
From the next room, the voice of Celine Dion could be heard singing, "My heart will go on..."
In the room upstairs, one of the world's leading heart surgeons who was on vacation just died of cardiac arrest.
To be continued.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The Happy Billionaire and The Lonely Prince
London, England. The colossal mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
Set was whistling a happy tune as he bit the necks of various beautiful S&M escorts he had called up upon once again becoming a billionaire.
"Spank me and I'll suck your blood," Set sang in a very operatic sounding baritone voice.
Athelstan, Set's valet, was happily making vuvuzela shaped crumpets in the kitchen.
Renfield R. Renfield was happily telling a member of the British tabloid press that he was the one responsible for setting up the Russian spy ring in the U.S. in order to bring about a war between post-Soviet Russia and the United States.
When the reporter pointed out to the evil shapeshifting hamster/human that he hadn't even been genetically cloned and created yet at the time the Russian spy ring was set up in the U.S., Renfield immediately called an end to the interview.
Renfield then went up to the library, grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and wrote at the top of the piece of paper 10 PLACES WHERE I'VE HAD SEX.
He then sat there scratching his head.
"What are you doing?" Amadeus asked as he sat down at the same table.
"This is the latest craze on the Internet," Renfield replied, "Writing down 10 places where one has had sex."
"I assume then since it's a craze," Amadeus started munching on his bag of hot buttered popcorn, "that it's something only crazy people do."
Renfield ignored the remark and continued to sit there scratching his head.
Finally he wrote something down.
Amadeus glanced over and remarked, "Somehow I don't think masturbation counts."
Renfield crumpled up the piece of paper and threw it in the garbage can.
* * *
Outside the rain continued to pour.
The lightning continued to flash.
Dracul Van Helsing looked out the window.
Inside the house, it was deathly quiet.
No more could Dracul hear the sound of his dad shuffling papers as the elder man worked on his trilogy of history books.
That sound would be forever gone.
Dracul had always felt a special bond and kinship with the literary character of Harry Potter.
Now he felt it more than ever. For like Harry, he too was now without a living father.
And now he felt that he too would be facing a confrontation with his own personal Voldemort.
That was fine. Whatever must be must be.
The only thing he wondered was where was his own personal Ron Weasley and his own personal Hermione Granger to help him through this.
For as the great English poet John Donne wrote, "No man is an island."
To be continued.
Set was whistling a happy tune as he bit the necks of various beautiful S&M escorts he had called up upon once again becoming a billionaire.
"Spank me and I'll suck your blood," Set sang in a very operatic sounding baritone voice.
Athelstan, Set's valet, was happily making vuvuzela shaped crumpets in the kitchen.
Renfield R. Renfield was happily telling a member of the British tabloid press that he was the one responsible for setting up the Russian spy ring in the U.S. in order to bring about a war between post-Soviet Russia and the United States.
When the reporter pointed out to the evil shapeshifting hamster/human that he hadn't even been genetically cloned and created yet at the time the Russian spy ring was set up in the U.S., Renfield immediately called an end to the interview.
Renfield then went up to the library, grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and wrote at the top of the piece of paper 10 PLACES WHERE I'VE HAD SEX.
He then sat there scratching his head.
"What are you doing?" Amadeus asked as he sat down at the same table.
"This is the latest craze on the Internet," Renfield replied, "Writing down 10 places where one has had sex."
"I assume then since it's a craze," Amadeus started munching on his bag of hot buttered popcorn, "that it's something only crazy people do."
Renfield ignored the remark and continued to sit there scratching his head.
Finally he wrote something down.
Amadeus glanced over and remarked, "Somehow I don't think masturbation counts."
Renfield crumpled up the piece of paper and threw it in the garbage can.
* * *
Outside the rain continued to pour.
The lightning continued to flash.
Dracul Van Helsing looked out the window.
Inside the house, it was deathly quiet.
No more could Dracul hear the sound of his dad shuffling papers as the elder man worked on his trilogy of history books.
That sound would be forever gone.
Dracul had always felt a special bond and kinship with the literary character of Harry Potter.
Now he felt it more than ever. For like Harry, he too was now without a living father.
And now he felt that he too would be facing a confrontation with his own personal Voldemort.
That was fine. Whatever must be must be.
The only thing he wondered was where was his own personal Ron Weasley and his own personal Hermione Granger to help him through this.
For as the great English poet John Donne wrote, "No man is an island."
To be continued.
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