Dec. 21st 2012- The Tempest or Much Ado About Nothing?

It was the Egyptian vampiress Isis standing at Dracul Van Helsing's door.

She was wearing a black mask, black lace gloves and a sexy and elegant lilac evening dress.

"Wow, you look absolutely gorgeous, Isis," the Canadian vampire hunter remarked.

"Thank you, Dracul," Isis smiled, "but I'm here to stop you from preventing my husband Osiris' return from the star system of Sirius."

"Husband eh?" Dracul shook his head, "isn't he also your brother as well? You know if you appeared on the Dr. Phil Show, I'm sure he'd have something to say about your practice of incest..."

"I'm going to tie you to your bed and make love to you," Isis French kissed him.

"Okay," was Dracul's answer.

Just then the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec arrived wearing a sexy and elegant red evening dress.

"I'm going to join Isis in tying you to your bed and making love to you," Qonzilqointec nibbled on his ear, "that way you won't be able to stop my spiritual godfather Quetzalcoatl from returning to Earth from his exile on Saturn's moon Titan."

Isis continued to French kiss him while Qonzilqointec licked his back and shoulders.

"You know I'd have moved to Vancouver a lot sooner in life if I had known Vancouver was going to be like this," was Dracul's passing comment in between interludes of Isis' tongue.

                                         *       *       *

"Where the Hell is Dracul?" South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan asked as she stood on the beach in her black leather skirt and dominatrix boots holding a stake and a mirror.

"I knocked on his door," Amadeus Emanon approached the beach carrying a toy piano which he placed on a log, "but apparently the two vampiresses Isis and Qonzilqointec were making love to him."

"I'll kill the bastard," Hyung dropped the mirror but ran off still holding the stake.

Renfield R. Renfield in the meantime had brought a stereo system to the English Bay beach on this evening of December 21st 2012.

"I'm going to play Rihanna's song Diamonds backwards," Renfield announced, "to see if the coded message regarding Osiris' return was backward masked in the song."

He started playing the Rihanna song Diamonds backwards.

The lyrics went, "My name is Mitt Romney, I was born in Kenya and I have a phony birth certificate..."

Meanwhile as hundreds of people stood on the English Bay beach eagerly awaiting the end of the world according to the New Age interpreters of the end of the Mayan long count calendar,  Amadeus sat down at his toy piano and played the song Don't Worry, Be Happy.

The Invisible Man aka elusive Swiss billionaire Lester Mittendorf also walked along the beach but as he was invisible, no one noticed.

Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius was in a rowboat with a mirror and a minature model of the CERN Large Hadron Collider setting up everything for Osiris' return.

He was assisted in his efforts by the Indian mermaid Priyanka.

Celsius was wearing old radio headphones and was speaking into a seashell attached to old telegraph wires, "Hello Osiris? Are you there? Celsius calling Osiris... are you there?".

As Amadeus broke into a roaring rendition of Monty Python's Lumberjack Song on his toy piano, a bright light flashed over English Bay.

"It's the end of the world," someone on the beach shouted.

"Oh Christ, I have to pee," another person shouted, "I'm going to miss it. I shouldn't have ordered such a large cup of Pepsi at the drive through."

A spaceship bearing the insignia Osiris One suddenly appeared in the sky.

Another flash of light.

A spaceship bearing the insignia Quetzalcoatl Too suddenly appeared in the sky.

The two spaceships hit one another.

"We've got a collision between two spaceships," Renfield shouted.

"Someone better call the Interplanetary Police Traffic Division," Amadeus answered as he broke into a rousing rendition of the theme song from Hawaii Five-O on his toy piano.

Suddenly a submarine carrying the white blue and red flag of Russia as well as a large personally autographed billboard picture of Vladimir Putin rose from beneath the waters.

The submarine fired its laser death ray at the two entangled spaceships and both vanished like a puff of smoke.

The captain of the submarine Captain Nikolai Soloviev pulled his craft on to the shore and stepped out on to the beach.

As he did so, he stepped on the tail of a little white dog who was wearing a Scots tartan wool sweater.

The little dog let out a loud whimper after getting its tail stepped on.

And so the person who originally coined that expression was absolutely 100% correct.

What expression was that? you ask.

The expression that said...

The world will end not with a bang but with a whimper...

To be continued.

Russian Sub In English Bay

Captain Nikolai Soloviev looked  through the periscope aboard his Russian submarine.

He had been specially selected for this mission.

Because he was one of Russia's few submarine captains who had the ability to escape detection by the ever careful watchful eye of the Royal Canadian Navy.

Now here he was with his submarine in English Bay just off the shoreline of the city of Vancouver B.C.

He was watching.

Watching and waiting.

Waiting for the right moment he had been ordered to shoot with his submarine's laser death ray (a weapon the Russians assured the Obama Administration that they didn't have and the Obama Administration fell for it) either a bright intense flash of light or possibly a spacecraft if it suddenly appeared in the sky over English Bay tomorrow night on the evening of December 21st 2012.

Captain Soloviev had read in an Eyes Only document sent to him by the Kremlin that the intense flash of light or spacecraft would be carrying an ancient Egyptian vampire from outer space.

Captain Soloviev wondered whether one of his masters in the Kremlin had been watching too many episodes of some spaced-out program on ancient aliens or Nostradamus on America's History Channel.

But still he had his orders.

And if it turned out to be true, no ancient Egyptian vampire however powerful would be getting past his sub's laser death ray.

To be continued.

Renfield's Late Mother's Day Present or Early Christmas Present

"I see Syrian President Bashar Assad has offered to re-friend me on Facebook,"  Renfield told Amadeus, "he said the reason he de-friended me this past summer was because the man they call America's Pastor Rick Warren had de-friended Assad on Facebook and the Syrian President became upset with westerners in general."

Amadeus had remembered how upset Renfield had been when Bashar Assad had de-friended him on Facebook.

"So are you going to accept the re-friend request?" Amadeus asked Renfield.

""Nope," Renfield shook his head, "nobody de-friends me and gets away with it."

The phone rang and Renfield picked it up.

He yacked for a few minutes and then put it down.

"Who was that?" Amadeus asked.

"It was the private eye I hired to track down my mother," Renfield answered, "or rather the woman who carried me to term after my embryo was implanted in her womb.  My embryo which was created from the DNA from strands of hair from Napoleon, Robespierre, Hitler and a few other notable historic individuals that many people call barbaric and despots for some reason.  As well as the DNA from a genetically enhanced super hamster that was created by a North Korean mad scientist in a North Korean laboratory as a result of the late North Korean leader Kim Jong-il's Frankensteinian Science Renaissance Project."

"Where is your mother living?" Amadeus asked.

"Coincidentally," Renfield grinned, "it turns out that she's living here in Vancouver so I'm going to pay her a visit this afternoon."

"Are you going to bring her roses?" Amadeus asked.

"No, I'm going to shoot her for giving me up," Renfield smiled.

Renfield was forced to knock out Amadeus when the latter protested.

                                   *    *    *

Renfield rented a truck and cursed as he drove the snow-filled Vancouver streets that were the result of a rare snowfall that had hit the City of Vancouver today.

"I thought it didn't snow here in Vancouver," Renfield protested, "I might as well be living in Dracul Van Helsing's home province of Alberta with all this wretched snow falling here."

After demolishing several motor vehicles with his monster-sized truck on the icy roads and running over several bicylists who were stupid enough to be out cycling on a snow day, Renfield arrived at his mother's house and went up and knocked on the door.

A woman answered.

Renfield compared the woman's facial features with the photo of the woman that the private eye had emailed him.

When he saw they were the same, he pulled out a gun and shot and killed her.

He then whistled his way back to the truck and emailed Amadeus on his iPhone that he had shot and killed her.

                                       *       *     *

When Amadeus came to and checked his iPhone and read his emails, he noticed that Renfield had shot and killed his mother.

"So," Amadeus noted, "some psycho in Connecticut shoots and kills his mother and then kills a whole bunch of children while here in British Columbia some psycho shoots and kills Santa Claus and then shoots and kills his mother."

This wasn't turning out to be a peace on Earth Christmas this year, Amadeus reflected.

To be continued.

Renfield and Rihanna Like Diamonds In The Sky

Renfield was watching the same Rihanna video Diamonds over and over again.

Amadeus had always liked Rihanna's song Diamonds but now he was getting sick of it hearing it over and over again as Renfield kept watching the same video.

"Haven't you watched it enough times already?" Amadeus asked as Renfield started to play it for the 666th time.

"I was told by one of my sources that this Rihanna video Diamonds contains a secret coded message explaining the method whereby the Boss' brother Osiris shall transport to Earth from Sirius and arrive at English Bay here in Vancouver on December 21st, 2012," Renfield explained.

As Renfield now started to sing aloud the lyrics along with Rihanna, Amadeus decided that now was the time to leave the hotel room.

Amadeus decided to take an evening stroll along the beach at English Bay.

Someone walked past him with the volume turned up on his iPod.

The man was obviously listening to a radio podcast on his iPod as he could hear a voice saying, "And for all you conspiracy theorists out there, I have to say this to you- no one believed the emails you sent them when you told them that 100,000 people would die in a nuclear explosion at the opening ceremony of the 2012 London Olympics and you'll find that the same people will believe you even less when you send them emails now..."

Amadeus had to laugh as he thought of Renfield and his anonymous source.

Although as Amadeus looked up at the night sky and saw how big and sparkling the stars seemed to be over English Bay, he had to admit they did look a lot like diamonds in the sky.

To be continued.

Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius and the CERN Large Hadron Collider

Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius was talking to one of his colleagues in Switzerland using Skype.

The colleague was overseeing experiments at the CERN Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, Switzerland where Dr. Celsius used to work.

Experiments would be running at the CERN collider from December 17th to December 21st 2012.

Dr. Celsius would be using the CERN experiments as the method whereby he'd transport the ancient Egyptian vampire Osiris from a planet in the star system of Sirius to Earth using  a space/time interdimensional portal.

Osiris' arrival would be on December 21st coincidentally just at the same time the Mayan long count calendar ended.

These space/time wormholes were already bringing some people from Earth's past to Earth's present.

He had heard that an 18th Century Caribbean pirate had arrived in the present day using one of these wormholes within the past month.

He wondered what had happened to that pirate as he glanced over at the world news on his TV screen where the UN Secretary For the Oceans Baird Black was calling for a new global Law of the Seas conference.

To be continued.

Innocence Lost: The Connecticut School Shootings

Primary school in Connecticut

Mass shooting

20 children dead

and six adults.

Gunman also dead.

The death toll may rise.

King Herod the Butcher

of Bethlehem

is not dead

His spirit lives on

whether it inhabit

the body of a

KIng in Judea

or a gunman 

in Connecticut.

As Yeats once wrote,

"The blood-dimmed tide is loose

and everywhere,

The ceremony of innocence is drowned;

The best lack all conviction, while the worst

are full of passionate intensity."

Today a tsunami of blood

rolled over

Sandy Hook Elementary School

in Newtown, Connecticut.

A Connecticut Yankee in King Herod's court

was full of passionate intensity.

-written by Christopher

 circa 1:20 PM Pacific Standard Time

 Friday afternoon December 14th 2012

Will Santa Claus Be Coming To Town This Christmas?

Santa Claus was on the beach handing out candy canes to the children.

One little boy said, "I was talking on the phone to my Southern Baptist grandmother last night and she said I shouldn't talk or write to you anymore because you're gay. She said she read on the Net that you were married in a same sex ceremony on the beach yesterday."

"That wasn't me, sonny," Santa replied, "that's only somebody who looked like me."

As Santa continued to hand out small presents to kids on the beach, Renfield R. Renfield was taking aim with his semi-automatic weapon.

He pulled the trigger.

"That's what you get for not giving me the nuclear-missile loaded atomic submarine I asked for last Christmas," Renfield laughed.

Santa fell to the ground as blood poured from his forehead staining his snow white beard.

The kids ran away screaming.

"Those kids are going to have traumatic nightmares for the rest of their lives," Renfield cackled as he downed a glass of beer, "so tonight I'll have created a whole new generation of future psychopaths. Bwahahahah!".

Amadeus was horrified.

"And I was about to walk down to the seashore and ask Santa for a candy cane," Amadeus blubbered.

"Sweet dreams are made of this," Renfield tried to impersonate Annie Lennox's singing voice but failed miserably.

To be continued.