Friday, December 21, 2012

Dec. 21st 2012- The Tempest or Much Ado About Nothing?

It was the Egyptian vampiress Isis standing at Dracul Van Helsing's door.

She was wearing a black mask, black lace gloves and a sexy and elegant lilac evening dress.

"Wow, you look absolutely gorgeous, Isis," the Canadian vampire hunter remarked.

"Thank you, Dracul," Isis smiled, "but I'm here to stop you from preventing my husband Osiris' return from the star system of Sirius."

"Husband eh?" Dracul shook his head, "isn't he also your brother as well? You know if you appeared on the Dr. Phil Show, I'm sure he'd have something to say about your practice of incest..."

"I'm going to tie you to your bed and make love to you," Isis French kissed him.

"Okay," was Dracul's answer.

Just then the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec arrived wearing a sexy and elegant red evening dress.

"I'm going to join Isis in tying you to your bed and making love to you," Qonzilqointec nibbled on his ear, "that way you won't be able to stop my spiritual godfather Quetzalcoatl from returning to Earth from his exile on Saturn's moon Titan."

Isis continued to French kiss him while Qonzilqointec licked his back and shoulders.

"You know I'd have moved to Vancouver a lot sooner in life if I had known Vancouver was going to be like this," was Dracul's passing comment in between interludes of Isis' tongue.

                                         *       *       *

"Where the Hell is Dracul?" South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan asked as she stood on the beach in her black leather skirt and dominatrix boots holding a stake and a mirror.

"I knocked on his door," Amadeus Emanon approached the beach carrying a toy piano which he placed on a log, "but apparently the two vampiresses Isis and Qonzilqointec were making love to him."

"I'll kill the bastard," Hyung dropped the mirror but ran off still holding the stake.

Renfield R. Renfield in the meantime had brought a stereo system to the English Bay beach on this evening of December 21st 2012.

"I'm going to play Rihanna's song Diamonds backwards," Renfield announced, "to see if the coded message regarding Osiris' return was backward masked in the song."

He started playing the Rihanna song Diamonds backwards.

The lyrics went, "My name is Mitt Romney, I was born in Kenya and I have a phony birth certificate..."

Meanwhile as hundreds of people stood on the English Bay beach eagerly awaiting the end of the world according to the New Age interpreters of the end of the Mayan long count calendar,  Amadeus sat down at his toy piano and played the song Don't Worry, Be Happy.

The Invisible Man aka elusive Swiss billionaire Lester Mittendorf also walked along the beach but as he was invisible, no one noticed.

Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius was in a rowboat with a mirror and a minature model of the CERN Large Hadron Collider setting up everything for Osiris' return.

He was assisted in his efforts by the Indian mermaid Priyanka.

Celsius was wearing old radio headphones and was speaking into a seashell attached to old telegraph wires, "Hello Osiris? Are you there? Celsius calling Osiris... are you there?".

As Amadeus broke into a roaring rendition of Monty Python's Lumberjack Song on his toy piano, a bright light flashed over English Bay.

"It's the end of the world," someone on the beach shouted.

"Oh Christ, I have to pee," another person shouted, "I'm going to miss it. I shouldn't have ordered such a large cup of Pepsi at the drive through."

A spaceship bearing the insignia Osiris One suddenly appeared in the sky.

Another flash of light.

A spaceship bearing the insignia Quetzalcoatl Too suddenly appeared in the sky.

The two spaceships hit one another.

"We've got a collision between two spaceships," Renfield shouted.

"Someone better call the Interplanetary Police Traffic Division," Amadeus answered as he broke into a rousing rendition of the theme song from Hawaii Five-O on his toy piano.

Suddenly a submarine carrying the white blue and red flag of Russia as well as a large personally autographed billboard picture of Vladimir Putin rose from beneath the waters.

The submarine fired its laser death ray at the two entangled spaceships and both vanished like a puff of smoke.

The captain of the submarine Captain Nikolai Soloviev pulled his craft on to the shore and stepped out on to the beach.

As he did so, he stepped on the tail of a little white dog who was wearing a Scots tartan wool sweater.

The little dog let out a loud whimper after getting its tail stepped on.

And so the person who originally coined that expression was absolutely 100% correct.

What expression was that? you ask.

The expression that said...

The world will end not with a bang but with a whimper...

To be continued.

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