The Kidnapping of Amadeus Emanon

The Kidnapping of Amadeus Emanon





Friday morning    September 19th 2014-




William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas the Scottish National Party Member of the Scottish Parliament (MSP) for the Eildon Hills was having a bad week.




First he discovered that he was out of brown sugar to put on his porridge this morning.


He could not eat porridge without brown sugar so he put it outside in a bowl for his dog to eat.


But it turned out that his Shetland collie would not eat porridge without brown sugar either.


So the bowl was left untouched.


Finally a couple of live vultures who were brought in to advertise Cumberland's Butcher Shop in a nearby village came down and ate the porridge.



Then his wife Sangita Patel Douglas wasn't speaking to him today because he didn't have a second helping of her curried haggis at dinner last night (he had other things on his mind at the time).



Finally the pro-independence Yes Scotland side for which he had been vigorously campaigning for the past 2 years (and all his life before that) had lost the September 18th referendum.



He had just received an email from an American conspiracy theorist saying the Illuminati had committed massive fraud at the referendum ballot box because an independent Scotland would have threatened their unfolding New World Order.

He didn't know what to think about that idea.


He'd have to ask Mel Gibson about it if he ever made another historical film set in Scotland.



Then of course on Wednesday September 17th (the day before the referendum) a house guest of his Amadeus Emanon had been kidnapped by ISIS terrorists when a group of skull face balaclava wearing masked men waving Islamic State flags and shouting "Allah Akbar" and other Arabic expressions with a very English accent broke into his home and kidnapped the gentle concert pianist.


They left a note behind after tying Mrs. Sangita Patel Douglas to a chair (she was in the house with Amadeus at the time while he William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas, his official bagpiper Pan Deux and another house guest the famous New Orleans songstress Angelique Dumont were out shopping for groceries) saying they were the warriors of the new rising Islamic State caliphate and demanded a payment of £10 million from the London-based Egyptian businessman Set the owner of the large multinational British research and development firm Set Enterprises as ransom for Amadeus' safe return (Amadeus was employed by Set as a personal concert pianist).



So all in all, it had been a bad week for William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas.


As he reflected on this, his wife Sangita Patel Douglas approached to tell him that his tartan kilt had shrunk in today's wash.





                 .           .           .






Monday September 22nd 2014-





It was an abandoned farmhouse in Cornwall not far from the famous Jamaica Inn of Daphne du Maurier fame.


A hooded and masked Renfield R. Renfield was leading a group of hooded and masked British commandos to the abandoned farmhouse to rescue his friend and fellow employee Amadeus Emanon who was being held hostage there by ISIS terrorists.



So wrote the BBC radio reporter on his lap top.


The same reporter who had been brought along on the mission.



He wasn't allowed to report on it until the hostage had been rescued and was safe and the kidnappers captured and/or killed.



Renfield R. Renfield and the lead commandos were all wearing cameras on their heads so the raid could be recorded for posterity.


1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10...


... a loud explosion was heard and a heavy built commando kicked down the door of the farmhouse and threw in smoke grenades.

He stood aside and Renfield R. Renfield burst through the door with machine guns a-blazin' to beat the band.


The band he was beating was Fleetwood Mac singing Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow being played through the headphones he was wearing.  



The ISIS members who were not wearing their masks (since they were not in the process of filming a beheading video) looked extremely extremely shocked and surprised.


Within seconds, they were extremely extremely dead as well.


Covered in a mass of blood and bullets.


With no time to sweat or cry tears.



The farmhouse had an old LP record player which was playing a newly minted LP record for collectors called Barack Obama Singing Verses From The Quran.


The LP record was smashed and broken into pieces  (no doubt on the orders of the only registered U. S. Democrat in the group).




                    .            .            .




"Ugly women should be required by law to wear paper bags over their heads when they go out in public."



The line was a quotation from his new book The Profound Wit and Wisdom of Renfield R. Renfield.


"God, I never tire of being brilliant," Renfield R. Renfield thought to himself, "to quote a quote that Raymond Red Reddington paraphrased from me on The Blacklist last season."



The quote about intelligent new laws came to Renfield R. Renfield when he encountered a particularly pathetic repulsive ugly looking woman exiting an elevator he was about to enter.


So Renfield shot the ugly woman dead and proceeded to use the stairs (for he obviously could not use the now contaminated elevator that positively- or maybe negatively was the more apt word- reeked of ugliness).



Little did Renfield know that his fellow Set Enterprises genetically created hybrid Pan Goatee had felt the same way on a similar occasion in a building in Washington D.C.






On the radio, ... "people are still talking about yesterday's dramatic British commando rescue mission which freed London concert pianist Amadeus Emanon who was being held hostage by ISIS terrorists right here in our own land..."


Yes, he really should get a knighthood for this, Renfield thought humbly to himself after listening.


The radio went on, "... meanwhile New Orleans songstress and well-known West London theatre musical actress Angelique Dumont expressed surprise that the members of a London Arabic speaking theatre company and dramatic acting troupe should have been involved in Amadeus' kidnapping.  Said Miss Dumont..."


Voice of Angelique Dumont:   I knew these men. They really were very peace-loving and tolerant. I'd never in a thousand and one nights dream that they would turn extremist and become fighters for ISIS.


Renfield frowned after listening to Angelique Dumont's statement.



That might be a problem.



              .             .            .




As Renfield went out for a walk to a hospital to visit his friend Amadeus Emanon who was recovering from shrapnel wounds he received when Renfield R. Renfield came bursting through the Cornwall abandoned farmhouse door with machine guns a-blazing to beat the band and bullets flying everywhere, he reflected back to the evening of Monday September 15th 2014 when he Renfield received a call from a Professor of Medieval Celtic Languages and Literature at Oxford University.


"Hello, Renfield?"  Prof. Imhotep Notolkien asked.


"Professor, nice to hear from you," Renfield bit into his tuna fish sandwich pleased as the punch he was drinking to think that such a distinguished academic and scholar would be phoning him.


"Um," Prof. Notolkien cleared his parched for whiskey throat, "Amadeus hasn't gone up to Scotland by any chance has he?".


"You called to talk to Amadeus?" Renfield paused between bites of tuna fish sandwich as an overwhelming sense of disappointment started to set in.


"No, I was just curious as to whether Amadeus was currently in Scotland," Prof. Notolkien took a sip from a bottle inside the box that was made up to look like an ancient rare book volume tome bearing the title The Elixir of Life.


"As a matter of fact, he just left for Scotlandtonight," now the genetically created shapeshifting hamster/human was starting to feel curious like a cat himself, "why do you ask ?"


"It's just that I've been reading some ancient Scottish Gaelic prophecies written in poetic quatrains," the Professor finished the bottle and started looking around for the next volume of his 12-volume series on The Elixir of Life.



"Oh yes? Gaelic huh?" Renfield added some black olives and feta cheese to his next tuna fish sandwich,  "that would be all Greek to me."


"Anyways," Prof. Notolkien uncorked and sampled the content of Vol. II of the 12-volume series The Elixir of Life, " reading these prophecies, I've reached the conclusion that they refer to your friend Amadeus Emanon and they seem to indicate that should this individual be in Scotland at the time the Scots are deciding whether or not to be free of English rule, the Scots will choose independence."


"Really?" Renfield paused and put his tuna fish sandwich down- a sure sign that he was troubled


"Yes, indeed," Prof. Notolkien hurriedly absorbed the subject matter of Vol. III- XI of his 12-Volume series on The Elixir of Life.


For the day before the Professor had cracked the Robbie Burns Code hidden within the pages of the old Gaelic quatrains, he had rather foolishly bet £10,000 through a London betting shop that the Scots would vote no to Independence.


"This is even more disturbing in light of the email I received from Amadeus after his train crossed the border into Scotland tonight," Renfield went into the kitchen to start looking for his own bottle of brandy.


"What email was that?" Prof. Imhotep Notolkien asked as his mind imbibed the last drop of wisdom flowing from the words of Vol. XII of his 12-volume series The Elixir of Life.



"Well," Renfield opened the bottle of brandy, "after the train crossed the border into Scotland, Amadeus said he looked out the window and saw a bunch of Scottish pixies- fairy maidens with wild dark hair and huge green eyes- singing and dancing in the glen."


"And what song were they singing?" Prof. Notolkien asked as he gazed longingly at a huge empty space in the bookshelf of his study and couldn't believe that he had finished all 12 volumes of The  Elixir of Life within the space of 10 minutes.



"Well," Renfield polished off his own bottle of brandy, "they were singing...




When Amadeus comes to Scotland, then sing and dance with glee,
for then after many centuries shall Scotland be finally free."




"Oh shit," said Prof. Notolkien and he did just that in his pants.



"Not good," Renfield agreed for a lot of his own boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's investments depended on a UNITED Kingdom.


Prof. Notolkien touched the huge empty space on the bookshelf of his study and then collapsed to the floor amidst the scattered and discarded pages of his 12-volume set of The Elixir of Life.



"Who was it that said 13 was an unlucky number?" Prof. Notolkien sighed before fading off into unconsciousness.





                 .                .             .






When Renfield put the phone down that evening of Monday September 15th 2014, he looked around for another bottle of brandy in the kitchen and not finding any, he cursed and went back to the study.


He sat down at his iMac desktop computer and looked at the rewrite of the Tennessee Williams play Cat On A Hot Tin Roof that he had been working on prior to receiving the phone call from Prof. Imhotep Notolkien.



Renfield had been working on a 21st Century version of Tennessee Williams' play Cat On A Hot Tin Roof that he called Pussy On A Male ISIS Fighter.




Instead of a character called Big Daddy, there was a character called Tiny al-Baghdadi who for some reason always carried a huge dildo in his hand with him all the time.




But now back to the problem at hand- which wasn't the same problem  that Tiny al-Baghdadi had.


How to get Amadeus out of Scotland before the Scots independence vote was held?


Amadeus wouldn't leave willingly as he had been eagerly anticipating this trip to Scotland to see his friend Pan Deux.


A fake kidnapping Renfield thought.


He grinned.


And who better to frame for the kidnapping than ISIS the group of egotistical morons (with absolutely nothing whatsoever to be egotistical about) who actually thought that they were better beheaders than he Renfield R. Renfield was?



Their boss Set had billions so the motive for the alleged kidnapping would be ransom of course.


He would have to move quickly as the referendum day of Thursday September 18th was coming up fast.


Let's see, he checked Amadeus's Scottish itinerary on his computer.


Tuesday September 16th- Amadeus would be attending a Saint Ninian's Day debate on Scottish independence in Edinburgh between William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas the Scottish National Party Member of the Scottish Parliament for the Eildon Hills and Welsh werewolf (Renfield was one of the few people who knew that the parliamentarian from Wales was a werewolf)  British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley.




He couldn't strike then Renfield thought to himself.


There would be too many people attending.





Wednesday September 17th- William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas would be giving speeches at schools in Jedburgh and Melrose which Amadeus would be attending.


William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas would then be returning home to his huge colossal house near the Eildon Hills.



It would probably be considered bad form and improper etiquette to kidnap someone at a school.


After all, Renfield reflected, he was a civilized Brit not a Boko Haram savage.



No, best to snatch Amadeus that evening of the 17th when he was in the Douglas home.


Renfield would lead the kidnapping- in disguise of course.


To make it look authentic- all the earmarks of an ISIS kidnapping- he would of course need some real Arabs- men who could speak Arabic and shout expressions from the Quran.


Renfield knew the director who was also the lead actor of an Arabic speaking live theatre company in London.


Their regular theatre season didn't start until mid-October so they'd be available.


Renfield would tell the Arabic theatre company director when he phoned him that the kidnapping was all part of a prank to take Amadeus down to Cornwall for a surprise birthday party (Cornwall was a long enough distance away from Scotland so that Amadeus wouldn't be anywhere near Scotland come the day of the independence referendum).




Amadeus would be held at an abandoned farmhouse in Cornwall (not far from the famous Jamaica Inn of Daphne du Maurier fame) that Renfield used to sell smuggled bootleg liquor from South Africa ( an acquaintance of his in Port Elizabeth South Africa made the best home-brewed bootleg liquor in the world).




Of course there would be no real guns used in the kidnapping Renfield told the peaceful director and lead actor of the London Arabic speaking   theatre company when he phoned him.



Of course Renfield did not mention that there would be real guns used in the commando style rescue operation that he would lead (which would be the real surprise not the surprise party or Katy Perry jumping out of a birthday cake like he told the theatre company director)  that would turn him Renfield R. Renfield into a national hero to say nothing of becoming a prized candidate for a potential knighthood from the Queen.


After talking to the theatre director who agreed to do the whole thing, Renfield then called the box office  of the theatre and cancelled his subscription to the upcoming season in order to get his money back before the cancellation deadline.


As he knew the upcoming season would be cancelled due to the lack of live performers to perform the live Arabic speaking plays.





                 .              .             .





Wednesday September 17-



The kidnapping of Amadeus Emanon had gone off without a hitch.




William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas, Pan Deux and Angelique Dumont were leaving in a car just as the van marked Polar Bear Plumbing and Heating (which carried the masked Renfield and the masked Arabic speaking actors in what would be their final performance which was playing the role of ISIS terrorists)  pulled into the driveway.



That's good, Renfield thought to himself, the less bodies around, the less chance of real bodies being around.



When the car drove off into the distance, Renfield and the Arabic actors burst through the front door of the house.



There sitting at the piano in the living room was Amadeus playing A Rhapsody In Blue.


And there doing housework while wearing an attractive lilac coloured silk lace lingerie nightgown was Sangita Patel Douglas the lovely and breathtakingly beautiful wife of William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas.


Renfield was starting to seriously wonder about Amadeus.



What was he doing sitting at the piano playing A Rhapsody In Blue while he was alone in the same house as Sangita Patel Douglas who was wearing only a silk lace lingerie nightie?




If Renfield had been Amadeus, he'd have been in the bedroom with Sangita performing a duet version of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony or Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture.



As it was, the masked Renfield decided to tie Sangita to a chair in a performance reminiscent of a bondage scene he had watched being shot at the pornographic film studios he owned in Southern California.



The Arabic speaking actors in the meantime had taken Amadeus into the van marked Polar Bear Plumbing and Heating.



The masked Renfield then gave the tied and bound Sangita Patel Douglas a passionate kiss on her masking tape covered lips before exiting the house.


He then left the house, entered the van and drove off.


He stopped off in the town of Jedburgh to buy some Scottish scones before crossing the border into England.


His next stop was The Lord Burghley Pub in the Lincolnshire town of Stamford where he bought a dozen steak and kidney pies.


He then picked up various goodies at various towns and cities along the way before finally reaching the county of Cornwall.


He then stopped off in a small Cornish village where he bought 3 dozen Cornish pasties.


They then reached the abandoned farmhouse where the masked Arabic actors carried the tied and bound Amadeus into the house while Renfield carried in a large box all the huge assortment of snacks that he had picked up along the way down from the Eildon Hills in Scotland.


When Renfield put the box down on the kitchen table, the actors were under the impression that Renfield was going to share with them.


They were very much mistaken.


When they reached into the box to help themselves,  Renfield slapped their hands and in a voice reminiscent of Mr. Bean holding a giant sized carton of popcorn in a movie theatre said, "No!  Mine!".






                  .               .              .






Friday September 26th 2014-




The mysterious Park Avenue billionaire sat behind the black curtained screen overlooking the globe of the world in the living room of his exclusive penthouse suite at the top of an exclusive apartment building on New York's Park Avenue.



In his clawed reptilian hand, he held a very dry martini.

He liked his martini stirred not shaken so that people would never mistake him for James Bond.



Holding the glass, he drank a solitary toast to the events of the past month.


His plan for the emerging New World Order was unfolding as it should.


As he hummed the melody of the early 1970s song Desiderata to himself, he recalled how the Scots had just rejected one of Mel Gibson's biggest heroes William Wallace.



And soon the whole world would reject en masse the Man who was Mel Gibson's biggest hero- that divine-human the Christ who suffered the Passion.




To be continued.





-A vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 during the time period
 Friday September 19th
 to
 Friday September 26th
 2014.


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