Pan Goatee Interviewed On TV Show

Pan Goatee Interviewed On TV Show


KRTV Channel 3 Announcer: Live from Great Falls, Montana, it's the Russell Charlie Show and now here's our host... Russell Charlie.


(A man wearing a 10 gallon tan cowboy hat, purple leather vest, cowboy tie, denim jeans and leather cowboy boots strolls on to the stage waving his hat and waving his hands)


Russell Charlie: Howdy y'all, ladies and gentlemen. How ya doing?


(Audience shouts in unison, "We're great, Rusty!". Rusty of course being Russell Charlie's nickname)


Rusty:  Today, of course, we have a special guest who's come all the way from Washington, D.C.   ...


(Audience starts booing)


Rusty: Now, we must be hospitable. After all that's the way of the Great American West. We give you food, give you drink and then we'll plug you full of holes with our six shooters.


(Audience laughs)


Rusty:  Washington D.C. is of course the town where rodeos go all year round... they're always throwing the bull.

(Audience laughs)


Rusty: And today our special guest from Washington D.C. is not a politician...


(Audience cheers)


Rusty:  He's a serial killer who currently works as a contract hired assassin for the U.S. government... Ladies and gentlemen... I give you...Mr. Pan Goatee.


(The audience cheers, applauds and gives a standing ovation as the genetically created half-man half- goat satyr with furry goats' legs and hooves comes on stage)


(Pan Goatee waves at the audience, gives Rusty a big hug and then sits down in one of the chairs reserved for the show's guests)


Rusty (looking at Pan Goatee's very furry legs):  Those are quite the pair of chaps you're wearing.


Pan Goatee (looking down with pride at his furry legs) : Thanks. They're actually real.


Rusty: You mean to say that your legs are actually that hairy?


Pan Goatee: Yes, they are.


Rusty: Well, eat my ten gallon hat and then spit it out again.  What did your mother feed you as a baby- Budweiser beer laced with testosterone?


Pan Goatee: Well according to a gypsy fortune telling reading I got in London by a gypsy fortune teller who read her crystal ball, her tarot cards, my tea leaves and my furry palms, I was not born in the regular manner. I was genetically created in a research lab somewhere in England by a sanity-challenged scientist and then I was lost shortly after my test-tube birth.


Rusty: Well, that explains everything then.  Because if you had said you'd been fed by your mother with Budweiser beer laced with testosterone as a baby and furthermore if you had said you had been breast fed with that formula, I would have asked where I could get my hands on such a magnificent pair of knockers.


(Audience laughs)


Pan Goatee: No, according to the gypsy fortune teller, I was created by this sanity-challenged scientist using a combination of human DNA - which of course explains my upper body torso- goat DNA - which explains my furry legs and also hooves for feet- and yeti abominable snowman DNA- which explains my homicidal tendencies as well as my ability to astral project.



Rusty: Wow. You can actually astral project? Cool.


Pan Goatee: Yes, I can astral project.


Rusty: I tried to astral project myself once after reading one of those AMORC California Rosicrucian Order pamphlets but the furthest I got was to the outhouse.


Pan Goatee: Really?


Rusty: Yes and since my astral body didn't really have to relieve itself, that really didn't do me much good.


(Audience laughs)


Rusty: Now if I could have just made it as far as the whore house up the road, I could really have seen what my astral body might be capable of.


Pan Goatee: Tantric sex can get pretty wild when you start using your astral bodies.


Rusty: Really?


Pan Goatee: Oh yes. (crosses his legs to cover up his erection as he subconsciously recalls a recent experience)



Rusty: Now I understand you appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine a month before Pope Francis did.


Pan Goatee: That's right. I did. So stick that in your thurible incense burner and smoke it, Pope Francis.


(The audience, many of whom had invested in the oil and gas industry, applauded vigorously)


Rusty: Now I understand it was reality TV star and singer Tila Tequila who interviewed you on behalf of Rolling Stone magazine?


Pan Goatee: Yes, it was. As you know her door swings both ways and so after the interview she and I and a Japanese-American porn actress named Akira Lane had a ménage a trois in a penthouse atop a Beverly Hills hotel- the same room where they filmed the 1990 Julia Roberts-Richard Gere movie Pretty Woman.


Rusty:  Really?


Pan Goatee:  Yes, unbeknownst to the three of us, that mischievous shapeshifting hamster/human Renfield R. Renfield from England secretly videotaped our bedroom escapades and then projected them onto a screen that Al Gore was using as a backdrop to a speech he was giving on the man-made causes of global warming.


Rusty (astounded):  Really?


Pan Goatee:  Yes it was probably that particular lecture that served as a major subconscious factor in Al Gore's decision not to seek the Democratic Presidential nomination in 2016.



Rusty:  Now in that Rolling Stone interview with Tila Tequila, you described yourself as the most intelligent serial killer in history. What led you to that conclusion?


Pan Goatee: Well of course that's something I say with all due modesty and humility. I am the most intelligent serial killer in history.


Rusty : And on what basis did you reach that humble modest conclusion?


Pan Goatee:  Well when you take a look at the history of serial killers and particularly look at photos of their female victims, they killed a lot of beautiful women.  Of course when I was just a young pup or a young kid to be more accurate- just fresh out of the genetics lab test tube (according to my gypsy fortune teller Dulcinea Lucia's tarot card reading of my past), I was quite young and naive. I must admit I did kill beautiful women (and beautiful men as well) when I first began my serial killing hobby which I found a lot more interesting than stamp collecting.


Rusty: And then something happened?


Pan Goatee: Yes, I had an epiphany. An epiphany of what it means to be a practitioner of the philosophy of aesthetics.  The same epiphany that the Crown Prosecutor in the criminal trial of Oscar Wilde must have experienced when he asked Wilde on the witness stand why he didn't kiss the waiter in the hotel and Oscar Wilde replied, "Because he was too ugly."


Rusty: So what was the nature of this epiphany?


Pan Goatee: The thought came to me out of the blue while I was reading Nietzsche on the differences between Apollonian and Dionysian religion. This thought like a voice from Mount Olympus said to me, "What are you doing killing beautiful women?"  There are already too little beautiful women in the world and too many ugly women. Womanhood in the 21st Century have allowed their looks to go to pot as a result of the efforts of that obnoxious bitch Oprah Winfrey in her so-called self-help and so-called self-esteem confidence building TV shows saying that ugly women should just be themselves- a more offensive piece of advice I cannot recall if I may be allowed to paraphrase that most beloved and wisest of all American letter carriers and U.S. postal employees Norman Newman.



(The audience in the Great Falls television studio gives Pan Goatee a standing ovation over his last remark)


Pan Goatee: So then I started strictly killing ugly women as a result of that Nietzchean- Apollonian- Oscar Wildean epiphany.


Rusty: And if I may quote a psychiatrist, how did that make you feel?


Pan Goatee (grinning): Wonderful.


(Audience applauds and cheers)


Pan Goatee:  And thus it came to pass that I stopped killing beautiful women... and killed only ugly women...   thus making me the most intelligent serial killer in history.


(He holds up his membership card in MENSA as audience applauds)


Pan Goatee: Yes, after all according to the Georgia Guidestones Commandments that were erected in Elbert County, Georgia 35 years ago, the First Commandment says words to the effect that we shall not have a human population above  500 million on the planet so that we can live forever in perfect balance and harmony with nature and Mother Earth Gaia.  Only when that happens will we finally have achieved Pierre Teilhard de Chardin's Omega Point.


Rusty: Chardin? Is that the French fashion designer who invented the bubble dress?


Pan Goatee: No, he was a French Jesuit priest, scientist and philosopher who thought we'd all become gods someday.


Rusty: I see. I once met a Mormon missionary who told me much the same thing.


Pan Goatee:  Anyways since according to the Georgia Guidestones Commandments, we're going to have to eliminate 6.5 billion people... although personally I think we should make it 6.6 billion since I think that's a more nifty sounding number... then why shouldn't we include ugly women in that 6.6 billion figure? After all, ugly women... well they're ugly . So I say get rid of them.
If we're going to have to eliminate 6.6 billion people, there's no reason why we can't also beautify the planet while we're doing so and make this earth a much more enjoyable place to live. So I say, let's start reducing the population by getting rid of the ugly women first.

(Shouts of "Amen" and "You got it brother" and "Pastor Rick Warren should invite you to speak at Saddleback Church" are heard coming from members of the audience)

Pan Goatee: So, I say our mantra should be...

... Way hey, ho- ho
ugly women have got to go...


(Audience breaks  into shouts of "Way hey, ho-ho, ugly women have got to go")


Rusty: Well, I see the show's producer is signaling to me from the booth that we're out of time... so thanks for being our guest today Pan and hopefully you'll be back soon...


Pan Goatee (smiling and enjoying the audience's standing ovation):  It's been my pleasure, Rusty. Perhaps you'll teach me how to fire a real western six-shooter someday since I've always wanted to learn ever since I saw my first John Wayne movie.


(The show's repulsively ugly looking female producer is signaling to the guy at the control switch to turn off transmission from the studio cameras that are panning in on the cheering and standing ovation audience. But seeing as how the guy at the control switch is wearing a blindfold so he doesn't have to look at the female producer's ugly face, he is unable to see the signal and the transmission is not cut)



-A screenplay
 and vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 Sunday July 5th
 2015.


Kill all fucking ugly women!
And may they burn in Hell forever!
-Pan Goatee in his unpublished work on the environment and earth beautification
Earth and Apollonian Beauty In The Balance: Going Beyond Al Gore and Oprah Winfrey


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