Pan Goatee and The Hara Kiri Lesson

Pan Goatee and the Hara Kiri Lesson



Pan Goatee and CIA Agent Bob Belfor were ordered by their superiors in Washington to see if they could psychologically coerce one of their Pakistani Taliban prisoners to commit suicide.


Hara Kiri was the method Bob Belfor suggested after he had spent a night masturbating over Japanese made samurai films.


Belfor had a thing for men dressed in Japanese armour.


Pan Goatee in checking the backgrounds of the Taliban  prisoners  noticed that one of the men was a Canadian citizen born and raised in the Canadian province of Saskatchewan.


He left Saskatchewan at the age of 21 to join the Taliban after he had noticed an employment opportunity ad placed by them in the Regina Leader Post newspaper.


Pan Goatee placed the man in a cell which had both a large projection screen and also a mat on which was placed a Hara Kiri knife.


Pan Goatee closed the door and then ordered the projectionist to start running a series of videos that Pan had ordered.


The videos showed the last few minutes of every football game that the Saskatchewan Roughriders CFL Football Team had lost in their entire history.

Pan Goatee deduced that even though the man was Muslim because he was born and raised in the province of Saskatchewan, he would probably have the same fanatical devotion and love for the Saskatchewan Roughriders Football Team (equal in intensity and zeal to that of any fanatical Islamist zealot) as any other person born and raised in the province of Saskatchewan.


Saskatchewan's devotion and worship of their CFL Football team was so fanatically intense that every other Canadian in other provinces referred to Saskatchewan by the nickname Rider Nation.


At first Bob Belfor doubted Pan Goatee's reasoning.


But they soon heard wild penetrating screams coming from the man's cell.


"Good God!" Belfor exclaimed, "The man must surely be disemboweling himself."



They ran into the room only to see the man not disemboweling himself but screaming over the fact that Saskatchewan had lost the CFL Western Conference Championship to the Calgary Stampeders in the last few seconds of the game due to the fact Saskatchewan was penalized in a last minute penalty for stupidly having too many men on the field.


They closed the door.


They listened.


There was a strange rattling sound.


What was that rattling?


They opened the door.


It was the sound of the man's death rattle.

He had finally picked up the Hara Kiri knife and disemboweled himself.


"He was a lot quieter over his disemboweling than he was over the fact that the Roughriders had lost that game," Belfor stated.


"Just goes to show I'm right," Pan Goatee grinned,  "you can take the terrorist out of Saskatchewan but you can't take Saskatchewan out of the terrorist."





To be continued.




-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 12th
 2013