DARPA's Latest Project: The Enema Enigma Proposal

He was the man known only by his code name Enema Enigma.

He was an assistant Director of DARPA- the U.S. Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency- the group that brought us the Internet and also killer predator drones in the shapes of birds and insects.

Enema Enigma had summoned DARPA employee Jack Jarvis on a mission to go to England.

"As you know our government is currently in the process of building a total surveillance state," Enema Enigma explained, "in order to protect our civilization of civil liberty and human dignity from being overthrown by the forces of terrorism.  As part of that total surveillance state, we're able to intercept all sorts of emails and phone communications. We recently intercepted an emailed file attachment sent from Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol to Inspector Depp of Scotland Yard..."

Enema Enigma helped himself to a Turkish Delight candy and offered Jack Jarvis one.

Jarvis declined.

"Anyways," Enema Enigma spoke as he chewed the Turkish Delight candy, "Peter Whitstable has been giving advice to Inspector Depp of Scotland Yard on a series of murders that are being committed throughout England by a serial killer that the British tabloid press has dubbed the Serial Killer. Which shows how unoriginal the British press are. Here in America, we have great names like Son of Sam and the Night Stalker for our serial killers..."

Enema Enigma helped himself to another Turkish Delight candy and viewed his autographed photo taken last year of Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan standing alongside a sign that said Help Preserve Our Parks.

"It turns out that Scotland Yard has been sending DNA from the crime scenes to the Interpol DNA labs," Enema Enigma enthused energetically, "and those reports are in turn being sent to Peter Whitstable for his analysis. Anyways from examining the analysis of the DNA in those reports, Whitstable sent his profile analysis of the Serial Killer to Inspector Depp of Scotland Yard.  And we of course intercepted that report..."

Enema Enigma helped himself to yet another Turkish Delight.

"It's Whitstable's contention," Enigma spoke between mouthfuls of Turkish Delight, "that the Serial Killer is a genetically created hybrid half-man half-goat or what they called in classical Greek mythology a satyr.  Part of the human DNA make-up of the Serial Killer is DNA taken from the DNA of the homicidal and psychopathic heavy metal singer Stryker and also DNA taken from the DNA of Tiger Kilimoto a notorious and infamous Japanese Ninja assassin."

Enigma took a Turkish Delight and mixed it with a sushi roll from a plate of sushi rolls and put it in his mouth.

"Ummm," Enema Enigma ejaculated verbally, "delicious. But it also turns out that in terms of animal DNA, not only is there goat DNA present but also the DNA of the Himalayan yeti..."

When Jarvis looked quizzical, Enema explained, "... better known as the Abominable Snowman. Anyways Whitstable with his extensive knowledge of the occult and paranormal said that there are Tibetan Buddhist manuscripts which said the Yeti had the ability to astral project themselves..."

Enigma missed landing the paper airplane (he had made out of Turkish Delight candy wrappers) in the waste paper bin.

"So," Enigma scratched his chin, "we now come to my point. DARPA could use a killer with the ability to astral project himself. I want you to go to England and find this Serial Killer before Scotland Yard does. I want you to convince him to come to America and work for the U.S. government."

Enema Enigma opened himself another box of Turkish Delight candy.

"After all," Enema Enigma waxed poetically patriotic, "our American citizens can go to bed at night resting easier in the knowledge that anytime anyone is considered an enemy of the state by the government, that person can have his throat slit in bed by a government sanctioned killer who can astral project himself anywhere anytime anyplace...."

To be continued.

Pan Goatee Astral Projects To The Vatican

Pan Goatee decided to try something new for his next astral projection attempt.

He was going to see if he could also astral project a murder weapon with him so he could bump somebody off.

He had his machete by his side as he lay in bed and concentrated.

Obviously he could not teleport an actual physical material object with his mind nor did this object have an astral body connected to it like a living form did.

But he figured there might be some sort of energy force surrounding the object and he could take that energy force with him and use it like a Star Wars style laser weapon controlled by the Force to bump somebody off.

Speaking of Star Wars (the Star Wars series of films he had watched recently), Pan Goatee reflected on how much he loved the character of Darth Vader.

He didn't care so much for Anakin Skywalker in his pre-Darth Vader days as a young pure and innocent but extremely naive young man.

He only started to like Anankin when he started turning towards the dark side of the Force.

And loved Anakin as a full-fledged Darth Vader.

He was disappointed with the ending of the Star Wars series of films (which was actually the end of the third Star Wars film George Lucas made) when Darth Vader wimped out and returned to the good side of the Force as Luke Skywalker's loving father Anakin Skywalker.

                                              *         *          *

Pan Goatee closed his eyes and concentrated.

He held on tightly to his machete.

Then he tried to project himself upwards.

                                        *          *       *

Pan Goatee felt himself wandering around the Vatican with a laser-like energized machete by his side.

He noticed someone approaching.

He lay in wait.

                                          *       *     *

Dmitry Maranov was a minor clerk at the Russian Embassy to the Vatican.

He had just found out something totally shocking.

Rather than tell his boss the Russian Ambassador to the Vatican who in turn would notify the proper Vatican authorities, Dmitry Maranov felt the need to tell Pope Francis directly.

So he ran around the Vatican himself and as he did so, he earnestly prayed to God that through some miracle, he would run into Pope Francis himself.

                                       *         *            *

Pan Goatee raised his machete and pierced the man through the heart using the laser ray weapon of death.

                                         *        *     *

Dmitry Maranov fell to the ground dead with the laser wound to his heart.

                                              *        *        *

To be continued.

Syria and The Bilocating Satyr

Pan Goatee the serial killer whom the British tabloid press dubbed the Serial Killer was doing some reflecting this evening.

Pan Goatee was genetically created by Set Enterprises' sanity challenged scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

He was a half-man half-goat hybrid.

He was lost in transport in a lorry accident on a motorway in northern England and presumed dead and his body stolen.

He was now a musician who played the pan pipes with an American rock band Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers currently strutting their stuff in London, England.

Pan had recently picked up an old Rosicrucian pamphlet in a used book store in London and tried his hand (as well as his goat's legs) at astral projection.

He wondered if it worked.

In his first attempt, he tried transporting his astral body to Syria where he observed an Islamist rebel soldier eating the heart of a Syrian government soldier.

He then heard the story on BBC News the next day and so assumed his astral body projection attempt must have worked.

Now he was trying to astral project to Syria again.

            

                                              *         *         *

The group of Islamist rebels were having a feast- roasting and eating the hearts of government soldiers they had captured.

They were suddenly stunned to see a giant Eye of Horus hovering over them.

A light seemed to glisten from the Eye as they ate the government soldiers' hearts as if the Eye itself approved.

                                                

                                           *         *         *

The non-Islamist rebel looked on in horror as he noticed the Islamist rebels eating the hearts of the government soldiers.

What he wondered did this have to do with fulfilling the will of Allah who bore the epithet The Merciful and All-Compassionate?

The non-Islamist rebel did not notice the Eye of Horus hovering above the Islamist rebels as he was an individual who truly loved God and his fellow man.

And therefore he was spared from seeing the Evil Eye.

                                             *          *         *

To be continued.

Bashar Assad and The 13th Year

Bashar Assad reflected that he never wanted to be President of Syria.

He wanted to be a physician.

He had studied ophthalmology at the Western Eye Hospital in London, England.

It was only in 1994 after his older brother Bassell the heir apparent to the Assad Presidential throne in Damascus was killed in a car crash that Bashar was called home to Syria to be groomed as the new heir apparent.

His father Hafez Assad had died in office 13 years ago today June 10th 2000.

Hafez Assad had ruled Syria for almost 30 years.

When Bashar Assad took over from his father, he had been looked upon as a potential reformer both at home and in the international community.

But that was all gone.

Not even the great Mediterranean Sea could wash all the blood off his hands now.

Bashar looked at the handwritten note he had received from Russian President Vladimir Putin.

He then put it down.

He took some comfort in the note.

As he looked into the distance, it seemed as if a giant eye had appeared in front of him.

Had all those ophthalmology exams he had studied many years ago finally come back to haunt him he wondered?

As he looked at the eye, he suddenly realized the eye looked like the eye of Horus that had been depicted in ancient Egyptian art millenia ago.

To be continued.

Barack Obama Says His Favourite Xangan Was LoBornLytesThoughtPalace When Asked

CNN's Anderson Cooper:  "When asked about the possible demise of Xanga at a recent press conference, U.S.  President Barack Obama was asked if he ever read any Xanga blogs and if he did, who was his favourite Xangan?"

Without any hesitation, President Obama flashes a wide broad smile and says very sincerely, "LoBornLytesThoughtPalace."

                                    *   *   *

Renfield R. Renfield woke up from his dream.

Or was it a dream?

Was it real?

                               *        *        *

Likewise down the hall Amadeus Emanon was having a dream about LoBornLytesThought Palace and Barack Obama.

In the dream, LoBornLytesThoughtPalace was performing in a San Francisco nightclub.

Behind her/him was a giant poster of an old Starkist Tuna ad that said, "Sorry, Charlie."

LoBornLytesThoughtPalace looked like a cross between a transvestite weightlifter Charles Atlas and a Hillary Clinton wig and makeup wearing Rush Limbaugh.

In her hand, she held up a real original copy of Barack Obama's birth certificate while she wholeheartedly and zealously and smilingly sang that old Hardy Drew and The Nancy Boys song that was so popular back in 2008, "There's no one as Irish as Barack O' Bama..."

                                                *         *     *

To be continued.

New Orleans Vampiress Angelique Dumont and Welsh Werewolf Magog Rhys Petley

There she was- in an elegant blue evening dress at the back of a 1950s black Cadillac getting her photos taken by a photographer.

New Orleans vampiress Angelique Dumont.

An actress and a songstress who had performed in several West London musicals.

A vampiress who had the ability to walk in the daylight thanks to a special sunblock invented for her by Set Enterprises' scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley (an ardent fan of Miss Dumont) felt himself becoming sexually excited as soon as he saw her.

And sexual excitement for him meant the possibility of turning into a werewolf (even without the presence of a full moon) due to the peculiar variation of lycanthropy gene he carried within his DNA.

But fortunately he happened to be carrying a carton of buttermilk with him which he immediately started drinking.

For there was something in buttermilk that acted as an antidote to his peculiar form of lycanthropy.

"Magog," Angelique greeted him.

"My darling Angelique," Magog kissed her long black leather glove covered hand and immediately started having fantasies about being a submissive at the hands of such an exquisitely delectable dominatrix.

"I've heard that the British government is sending you to Syria as an envoy to get the government and the opposition to attend peace talks in Geneva," Angelique noted.

"Yes, this mission will probably be as successful as my last peace mission almost 2 years ago now which ended in total failure," Magog looked downcast.

During that mission, the Syro-Phoenician vampiress Astarte had appeared to him while he was talking to Syrian President Bashar Assad and becoming sexually aroused, he had turned into a werewolf in President Assad's presence.

Needless to say the meeting did not go over well and the talks ended in failure.

"I'm sure this mission of yours will be much more successful," Angelique gently kissed him on the cheek.

As Magog felt a huge erection coming on, he bowed to Angelique and thanked her and hurried down the street hastily finishing his carton of buttermilk.

To be continued.

ETs Are On Their Way

Out in deep space an extraterrestrial spacecraft is heading towards a small and seemingly insignificant planet in the universe.

The spacecraft is manned (if "manned" is indeed the right word to use) by mysterious and frighteningly sinister looking reptilian creatures.

The "captain" of the vessel sits in his chair directing his crew.

The navigator asks, "Maintain course?".

"Maintain course," the captain replies.

"Where are we headed?" asks the ship's lieutenant.

"Earth," the Captain replies.

"Any particular place on Earth?" the lieutenant queries.

"Syria," the Captain replies.

"Do you think the Enemy will engage us and prevent our return to Earth like he has numerous times before?" the lieutenant asked.

"We'll see," the Captain shrugged, "our brethren below the surface of the Earth are itching to return to the surface and we'll do what we can to help them. This time I think victory will be ours."

                                     *      *      *

Pope Francis was praying in his small chapel in the Vatican.

He was praying that many people all over the world would accept his invitation and pray with him at the exact same time all over the world this coming Sunday June 2nd.

For he felt the world was very much in need of prayer at this particular moment in time.

To be continued.