He was the man known only by his code name Enema Enigma.
He was an assistant Director of DARPA- the U.S. Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency- the group that brought us the Internet and also killer predator drones in the shapes of birds and insects.
Enema Enigma had summoned DARPA employee Jack Jarvis on a mission to go to England.
"As you know our government is currently in the process of building a total surveillance state," Enema Enigma explained, "in order to protect our civilization of civil liberty and human dignity from being overthrown by the forces of terrorism. As part of that total surveillance state, we're able to intercept all sorts of emails and phone communications. We recently intercepted an emailed file attachment sent from Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol to Inspector Depp of Scotland Yard..."
Enema Enigma helped himself to a Turkish Delight candy and offered Jack Jarvis one.
Jarvis declined.
"Anyways," Enema Enigma spoke as he chewed the Turkish Delight candy, "Peter Whitstable has been giving advice to Inspector Depp of Scotland Yard on a series of murders that are being committed throughout England by a serial killer that the British tabloid press has dubbed the Serial Killer. Which shows how unoriginal the British press are. Here in America, we have great names like Son of Sam and the Night Stalker for our serial killers..."
Enema Enigma helped himself to another Turkish Delight candy and viewed his autographed photo taken last year of Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan standing alongside a sign that said Help Preserve Our Parks.
"It turns out that Scotland Yard has been sending DNA from the crime scenes to the Interpol DNA labs," Enema Enigma enthused energetically, "and those reports are in turn being sent to Peter Whitstable for his analysis. Anyways from examining the analysis of the DNA in those reports, Whitstable sent his profile analysis of the Serial Killer to Inspector Depp of Scotland Yard. And we of course intercepted that report..."
Enema Enigma helped himself to yet another Turkish Delight.
"It's Whitstable's contention," Enigma spoke between mouthfuls of Turkish Delight, "that the Serial Killer is a genetically created hybrid half-man half-goat or what they called in classical Greek mythology a satyr. Part of the human DNA make-up of the Serial Killer is DNA taken from the DNA of the homicidal and psychopathic heavy metal singer Stryker and also DNA taken from the DNA of Tiger Kilimoto a notorious and infamous Japanese Ninja assassin."
Enigma took a Turkish Delight and mixed it with a sushi roll from a plate of sushi rolls and put it in his mouth.
"Ummm," Enema Enigma ejaculated verbally, "delicious. But it also turns out that in terms of animal DNA, not only is there goat DNA present but also the DNA of the Himalayan yeti..."
When Jarvis looked quizzical, Enema explained, "... better known as the Abominable Snowman. Anyways Whitstable with his extensive knowledge of the occult and paranormal said that there are Tibetan Buddhist manuscripts which said the Yeti had the ability to astral project themselves..."
Enigma missed landing the paper airplane (he had made out of Turkish Delight candy wrappers) in the waste paper bin.
"So," Enigma scratched his chin, "we now come to my point. DARPA could use a killer with the ability to astral project himself. I want you to go to England and find this Serial Killer before Scotland Yard does. I want you to convince him to come to America and work for the U.S. government."
Enema Enigma opened himself another box of Turkish Delight candy.
"After all," Enema Enigma waxed poetically patriotic, "our American citizens can go to bed at night resting easier in the knowledge that anytime anyone is considered an enemy of the state by the government, that person can have his throat slit in bed by a government sanctioned killer who can astral project himself anywhere anytime anyplace...."
To be continued.
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