"I'm going to the U.S. for a few days," Renfield said as he looked at where the U.S. was located on his globe of the world.
"What for?" Amadeus asked as he munched a pumpkin popsicle.
"To sleep with Gen. David Petraeus' biographer Paula Broadwell," Renfield replied.
"And why do you want to boldly go where a U.S. general has gone before?" Amadeus flipped through the remote to see what time the original Star Trek series was on the Nostalgia TV Channel.
"To find out U.S. government secrets," Renfield grinned, "if Gen. Petraeus revealed anything to Paula Broadwell during post-coital chat, then maybe she'll reveal the same information to me during post-coital chat. Such secret confidential information would be invaluable to me and the boss."
"You're really going to sleep with Paula Broadwell?" Amadeus looked shocked.
"I'm not one for promiscuous sex," Renfield remarked casually as his nose started to grow bigger, "but sometimes I have to make immense personal sacrifices on behalf of my job of intelligence gathering for the Boss."
"And what makes you think Paula Broadwell will sleep with you?" Amadeus inquired.
"What woman would not want to sleep with me?" Renfield brushed the tuna fish sandwich crumbs out of his hair and whiskers.
"Then what will you do after you sleep with Paula Broadwell?" Amadeus yawned.
"Sleep with Florida socialite Jill Kelley," Renfield grinned again.
"What for?" Amadeus started googling possible reincarnations of Roman Emperor Caligula to see if Renfield's name was mentioned.
"Well in case she did anything with Gen. John Allen," Renfield explained, "then I can gain post-coital access to Gen. Allen's secrets as well. And if she didn't do anything with Gen. Allen, then if I should happen to appear as a guest with either Erin Burnett or Piers Morgan or Anderson Cooper on CNN and they ask me which woman was the bettter lay, I'll be able to answer that question."
To be continued.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Navy SEALS In Action
"There's something that bothers me," the shapeshifting hamster/human Renfield R. Renfield remarked as he tried to shave his hamster whiskers with an ancient Japanese samurai sword.
"What's that?" Amadeus asked as he painted the toenails on his right foot a bright orange coloured nailpolish that had been recommended to him by a lady Malaysian banker.
"Whatever became of the body of that giant Nephilim that Dracul Van Helsing slew on the English Bay beach?" Renfield looked quizzical.
"I noticed minutes after Van Helsing slew him," Amadeus replied, "that a group of U.S. Navy SEALS arrived on the beach and whisked the body away."
"They did?" Renfield looked incredulous, "why would they do that?".
"They've been doing it with the bodies of giant Nephilim that have been found in Iraq and Afghanistan as well," Amadeus was letting the nail polish dry as he wiggled his toes, "taking away the bodies and putting them in a secret CIA laboratory in Langley where they're undergoing dissection and genetic experimentation."
"How do you know all that?" Renfield was genuinely impressed.
"I read it all on a Julian Assange Fan Club website," Amadeus helped himself to an egg roll and a glass of chocolate milk.
* * *
In the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, one of Assange's aides told the beleagured founder of Wikileaks, "The body of yet another giant Nephilim has been spirited away by the U.S. government."
"It's getting to be an epidemic," Assange quipped as he ate from a can of Green Giant vegetables.
To be continued.
"What's that?" Amadeus asked as he painted the toenails on his right foot a bright orange coloured nailpolish that had been recommended to him by a lady Malaysian banker.
"Whatever became of the body of that giant Nephilim that Dracul Van Helsing slew on the English Bay beach?" Renfield looked quizzical.
"I noticed minutes after Van Helsing slew him," Amadeus replied, "that a group of U.S. Navy SEALS arrived on the beach and whisked the body away."
"They did?" Renfield looked incredulous, "why would they do that?".
"They've been doing it with the bodies of giant Nephilim that have been found in Iraq and Afghanistan as well," Amadeus was letting the nail polish dry as he wiggled his toes, "taking away the bodies and putting them in a secret CIA laboratory in Langley where they're undergoing dissection and genetic experimentation."
"How do you know all that?" Renfield was genuinely impressed.
"I read it all on a Julian Assange Fan Club website," Amadeus helped himself to an egg roll and a glass of chocolate milk.
* * *
In the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, one of Assange's aides told the beleagured founder of Wikileaks, "The body of yet another giant Nephilim has been spirited away by the U.S. government."
"It's getting to be an epidemic," Assange quipped as he ate from a can of Green Giant vegetables.
To be continued.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Sherlock Holmes and Angelina Jolie
Amadeus Emanon reflected on the events that transpired last night.
He remembered Dracul Van Helsing dressed as Sherlock Holmes pick up a stone on the beach and put it in his slingshot and aimed the stone against the Nephilim giant's forehead.
The Nephilim giant fell to the sand- dead.
Renfield R. Renfield (dressed as a tuna fish sandwich) who was about to be eaten by the giant- now look relieved.
"Good thing for you, Renfield," Van Helsing remarked, "that I happened to be in Sunday school class the day they taught us about David and Goliath."
* * *
"You have that shocked look on your face," Hyung Grace Kwan said as she smoothed her skirt, "as if you just found out something that you didn't know before."
"That's true," Van Helsing nodded, "I found out on television last night that Jonny Lee Miller who plays Sherlock Holmes on one of my two favourite television shows this season- Elementary (my other favourite TV show being Beauty and The Beast that stars Kristin Kreuk) was once married to Angelina Jolie. I DIDN'T know that and I always thought I was such a big Angelina Jolie fan."
"We can't all be perfect Angelina Jolie fans," Hyung answered.
"I suppose not," Van Helsing agreed, "and when I played Sherlock Holmes in a school production, I didn't have a Doctor Watson who looked like Lucy Liu."
On the radio, Rod Stewart could be heard singing, "Some guys have all the luck..."
To be continued.
He remembered Dracul Van Helsing dressed as Sherlock Holmes pick up a stone on the beach and put it in his slingshot and aimed the stone against the Nephilim giant's forehead.
The Nephilim giant fell to the sand- dead.
Renfield R. Renfield (dressed as a tuna fish sandwich) who was about to be eaten by the giant- now look relieved.
"Good thing for you, Renfield," Van Helsing remarked, "that I happened to be in Sunday school class the day they taught us about David and Goliath."
* * *
"You have that shocked look on your face," Hyung Grace Kwan said as she smoothed her skirt, "as if you just found out something that you didn't know before."
"That's true," Van Helsing nodded, "I found out on television last night that Jonny Lee Miller who plays Sherlock Holmes on one of my two favourite television shows this season- Elementary (my other favourite TV show being Beauty and The Beast that stars Kristin Kreuk) was once married to Angelina Jolie. I DIDN'T know that and I always thought I was such a big Angelina Jolie fan."
"We can't all be perfect Angelina Jolie fans," Hyung answered.
"I suppose not," Van Helsing agreed, "and when I played Sherlock Holmes in a school production, I didn't have a Doctor Watson who looked like Lucy Liu."
On the radio, Rod Stewart could be heard singing, "Some guys have all the luck..."
To be continued.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
The Secret Meeting
"Why are you dressed as a tuna fish sandwich?" Amadeus Emanon asked Renfield R. Renfield.
"Because I'm going to a clandestine meeting and I thought it would be a good thing to go disguised," said Renfield, "so I'm going dressed as my favourite food."
"Who are you meeting?" Amadeus asked as he ate a potato chip.
"Dracul Van Helsing," Renfield replied, "to see if we should get together in a secret alliance against the return of both the extraterrestrial vampires Osiris and Quetzalcoatl."
"What's Dracul going dressed as?" Amadeus opened a can of Coke.
"Sherlock Holmes," Renfield answered.
* * *
On the beach, the figure dressed as Sherlock Holmes approached the figure dressed as the tuna fish sandwich.
Just then one of the Nephilim giants (who were mentioned in Genesis Chapter 6 and who were for the most part buried in the depths of earth and sea after the flood of Noah's days) who had been awakened by recent earthquakes in the Pacific rose out of the waters of English Bay.
"A giant tuna fish sandwich," the Nephilim exclaimed, "I haven't had one of those for millenia."
The Nephilim picked up the large tuna fish sandwich which promptly emitted a loud scream sounding much like Renfield R. Renfield screaming.
To be continued.
"Because I'm going to a clandestine meeting and I thought it would be a good thing to go disguised," said Renfield, "so I'm going dressed as my favourite food."
"Who are you meeting?" Amadeus asked as he ate a potato chip.
"Dracul Van Helsing," Renfield replied, "to see if we should get together in a secret alliance against the return of both the extraterrestrial vampires Osiris and Quetzalcoatl."
"What's Dracul going dressed as?" Amadeus opened a can of Coke.
"Sherlock Holmes," Renfield answered.
* * *
On the beach, the figure dressed as Sherlock Holmes approached the figure dressed as the tuna fish sandwich.
Just then one of the Nephilim giants (who were mentioned in Genesis Chapter 6 and who were for the most part buried in the depths of earth and sea after the flood of Noah's days) who had been awakened by recent earthquakes in the Pacific rose out of the waters of English Bay.
"A giant tuna fish sandwich," the Nephilim exclaimed, "I haven't had one of those for millenia."
The Nephilim picked up the large tuna fish sandwich which promptly emitted a loud scream sounding much like Renfield R. Renfield screaming.
To be continued.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
The Day After
"In our continuing analysis and statistical breakdown of yesterday's vote," CNN's Anderson Cooper intoned, "among voters who are left-handed and wear pink nail polish on the toenails of their right feet, 52% of them voted for Obama and 48% voted for Romney..."
"I'm surprised that Romney got as high a percentage as he did among people who wear pink nail polish on the toenails of their right feet," Amadeus Emanon said as he ate a peanut butter and jam sandwich.
"It is odd indeed," Renfield admitted as he ate a tuna fish and mermaid sandwich.
* * *
"I've got the feeling that someone just swam over my grave," the mermaid Priyanka said to Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius as she shivered in the waters of English Bay.
* * *
"So what's going to happen now that Obama's been re-elected?" South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan asked Dracul Van Helsing.
The Canadian vampire hunter replied, "Well only time will tell."
* * *
The TIME Magazine head office in New York City was suddenly hit by a Nor'easter snow storm.
To be continued.
"I'm surprised that Romney got as high a percentage as he did among people who wear pink nail polish on the toenails of their right feet," Amadeus Emanon said as he ate a peanut butter and jam sandwich.
"It is odd indeed," Renfield admitted as he ate a tuna fish and mermaid sandwich.
* * *
"I've got the feeling that someone just swam over my grave," the mermaid Priyanka said to Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius as she shivered in the waters of English Bay.
* * *
"So what's going to happen now that Obama's been re-elected?" South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan asked Dracul Van Helsing.
The Canadian vampire hunter replied, "Well only time will tell."
* * *
The TIME Magazine head office in New York City was suddenly hit by a Nor'easter snow storm.
To be continued.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
The Invisible Man- Elusive Swiss Billionaire Lester Mittendorf
The Invisible Man- Elusive Swiss Billionaire Lester Mittendorf
Elusive Swiss billionaire Lester Mittendorf was known to his friends as the Invisible Man.For he was quite literally invisible.
Back in the 1980s he had drunk an invisibility potion that a scientist had made for him.
Unfortunately Mittendorf had forgotten to ask the scientist if he had developed a re-visibility potion.
For the scientist hadn't.
And Mittendorf had been pretty much invisible ever since.
Back in the 1990s, Mittendorf had tried to buy the Edmonton Oilers NHL Hockey Team using a New York based agent.
But because Mittendorf was an invisible financier, the deal fell through.
Now Mittendorf walked along Bourbon Street of Edmonton's West Edmonton Mall.
He had come to Edmonton to see the Edmonton Oilers play hockey- totally oblivious to the fact that there was a labour dispute and a lockout going on so there was no NHL Hockey this season.
Shoot, no NHL hockey game.
No seeing the Oilers- the team he tried to buy.
Mittendorf was sick.
Sick of not owning an NHL Hockey team.
Sick of women he dated telling him, "You never show me your real self."
In short he was sick of being invisible.
There was only one man who could help him become visible again.
A fellow Swiss citizen- Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius.
But Celsius was obsessed with time and space travel and extraterrestrials.
Mittendorf regretted the fact that he had given Celsius a copy of Erich von Daniken's Chariots of the Gods? when he visited the Swiss orphanage at Christmas where Celsius grew up as a boy.
He regretted the fact that one of his companies had been one of the original sponsors of the TV show Ancient Aliens which was Celsius' favourite show.
Celsius had helped develop CERN'S Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland.
Now he was in Vancouver, B.C awaiting the return of the extraterrestrial vampire Osiris at English Bay on December 21st 2012.
Mittendorf would fly to Vancouver and likewise await the return of Osiris.
In the meantime, he'd go back to his hotel room at the Fantasyland Hotel and await the results of the U.S. Presidential election.
To be continued.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Renfield On Guy Fawkes Day
Dr. Celsius Fahrenheit sat on a log by the water and chatted with the mermaid Priyanka- whose upper body and arms were out of the water on to the sand.
Suddenly they noticed a bon fire light up on the other side of the beach.
"I wonder what's going on?" Priyanka asked.
"That individual seems to be burning someone in effigy," said Celsius, "it must be a Brit. I believe today is Guy Fawkes Day."
"That's right," Priyanka nodded.
Dr. Celsius looked through his binoculars, "I think it's the notorious Renfield R. Renfield who always makes the Freud's 500 List of Well-Dressed Psychopaths every year."
"Renfield R. Renfield?" Priyanka gasped, "He is a psychopath. I hear he enjoys eating mermaid and tuna fish sandwiches. Hundreds of my sisters have been killed just to satisfy his culinary desires."
"He's also Chief of Security and Cyber-Intelligence for the London-based Egyptian vampire Set who's Osiris' evil brother," Celsius turned white in the dark of night, "I wonder if he's found out that English Bay will be the place that Osiris arrives from Sirius on December 21st of this year."
"Great heavens," Priyanka spat out out her seaweed chewing gum in shock.
Near the bon fire, a man with silver hair and glasses approached Renfield.
"Do you have a license for this bon fire?" the man demanded to know.
Renfield pulled out a gun and shot the man dead.
And that's how Renfield celebrated Guy Fawkes Day 2012.
To be continued.
Suddenly they noticed a bon fire light up on the other side of the beach.
"I wonder what's going on?" Priyanka asked.
"That individual seems to be burning someone in effigy," said Celsius, "it must be a Brit. I believe today is Guy Fawkes Day."
"That's right," Priyanka nodded.
Dr. Celsius looked through his binoculars, "I think it's the notorious Renfield R. Renfield who always makes the Freud's 500 List of Well-Dressed Psychopaths every year."
"Renfield R. Renfield?" Priyanka gasped, "He is a psychopath. I hear he enjoys eating mermaid and tuna fish sandwiches. Hundreds of my sisters have been killed just to satisfy his culinary desires."
"He's also Chief of Security and Cyber-Intelligence for the London-based Egyptian vampire Set who's Osiris' evil brother," Celsius turned white in the dark of night, "I wonder if he's found out that English Bay will be the place that Osiris arrives from Sirius on December 21st of this year."
"Great heavens," Priyanka spat out out her seaweed chewing gum in shock.
Near the bon fire, a man with silver hair and glasses approached Renfield.
"Do you have a license for this bon fire?" the man demanded to know.
Renfield pulled out a gun and shot the man dead.
And that's how Renfield celebrated Guy Fawkes Day 2012.
To be continued.
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