Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were sitting at the back on the top of a London double decker bus.
"You can see a lot up here," Amadeus remarked as he ate some potato chips.
"You can," Renfield sipped from his bottle of whisky (despite it being illegal to consume alcohol on London transit buses).
Just then a bearded man wearing shorts with very furry legs came up and sat down on one of the front seats of the double decker bus.
"That guy looks a bit like Pan Deux," Amadeus remarked referring to Set Enterprises' mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher's latest creation- a genetic hybrid half-man half goat Scottish bagpiper.
"He does," Renfield stuck some snuff up his nose and sneezed, "fortunately he's not wearing those god-awful kilts or playing those god-awful bagpipes like Pan Deux does."
Just then a really repulsive looking fat ugly woman came up to the top of the double decker bus.
The Pan Deux double went beserk.
"You ugly looking thing," the half-man half-goat looking creature cried, "how dare you disturb my peace of mind with your ugly looking face."
He pulled out a machete and cut off the fat ugly looking woman's head.
"I really like this guy," Renfield lit a cigarette which was illegal to do on London transit buses, "that woman was pretty ugly."
"But he committed murder," said Amadeus.
"Murder smurder," Renfield shrugged, "one person's murder is another person's night of entertainment."
Just then another ugly looking woman came up to the top of the double decker bus.
"Oh shit, another ugly looking thing," the man whose name was Pan Goatee cried, "this just isn't my day today."
He again pulled out his machete and also cut this ugly woman's head off.
"I really really like this guy," said Renfield as he wrote the graffiti inscription DAVID BECKHAM IS A QUITTER on the back of the seat in front of him (even though writing graffiti was illegal on London transit buses).
"Are you referring to David Beckham who just announced his retirement from football (which they call soccer in North America) or this beheader up at the front of the bus?" Amadeus asked.
"The beheader of course," Renfield grinned.
"Hey Mister, you're really making a mess of this bus," said a little boy sitting on a seat alongside his mother.
The boy spoke in an unusual voice.
"That's a very unusual voice you have," said Pan Goatee.
"I'm impersonating the great actor Peter Lorre," the little boy replied.
"Peter Lorre?" Pan looked anguished, "wasn't he the one who played the Japanese detective Mr. Moto in those late 1930s movies?".
"That's the one," the little boy replied in his Peter Lorre voice.
Pan took out his machete and cut the little boy's head off.
His mother screamed.
"Sorry," Pan apologized, "but I seem to have a hatred for the film character of Mr. Moto for some reason."
"He's just committed 3 murders," Amadeus remarked to Renfield.
"Yes," Renfield nodded, "I have the feeling that's considered illegal to do on London transit buses."
"Is this our stop coming up?" Amadeus asked.
"It is," Renfield got up.
Before he headed down the stairs, he noticed the heads were rolling down the aisles and so shouted to Pan, "You should become a stand-up comic. You've got them rolling in the aisles."
Pan grinned and bowed in Renfield's direction.
As Renfield headed down the stairs, he sang his own version of the old Air Supply song lyrics,
"In my life where everything was wrong
Something finally went right
Now there's two less ugly people
in the world..."
"What about the little boy who impersonated Peter Lorre?" Amadeus asked.
"I'm sorry to see him go," Renfield had to admit, "I rather liked Peter Lorre..."
Upstairs as the bawling mother said that her son's name was Vincent, Pan sang the Don McLean lyrics, "I could have told you Vincent, this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you..."
To be continued.
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