'Twas the night before Halloween
and ghosts were yet unseen
as Sir Belvedere rode upon the moor
returning from a recent war
covered in blood and gore
no Nobel Peace Prize for him
just more weightlifts down at the gym
but first he'll stop at the inn.
"Some pumpkin soup!" he said with glee
as he ate some jam from the jamboree.
I'm afraid the king gets the soup
and you are but a dupe
said the barmaid with nice knockers
amid the chat of patron talkers.
Oh merde! oh merde!
said the French chef
whose hair was parted down the clef
no pumpkins left in the kitchen
and the king's stomach is a-twitchin'.
Sir Belvedere my lovely dear!
The barmaid raised her skirts,
I hope you're not queer
but you'll get a better look
if you huff it down to the brook
and a mighty pumpkin you do took
and bring it back here.
Sir Belvedere leapt upon his horse,
I'll be back before the main course
and galloped on down to the brook
and a mighty pumpkin he did took
and brought it back to the cook.
But as he handed it to Alphonse
he slipped on some twisted prawns
and with a prance in his pants
the pumpkin smashed like a crash dance.
You fool! Said Alphonse, I'm ruined
I'll end up a dry pruned
my head upon the king's castle gate
such will be my dreadful fate.
Why lose your head, Alphonse dear?
The barmaid smiled
a look so wild
she flashed her beaver
and raised the cleaver
and cut off the head of Sir Belvedere.
The knight's head was served in the king's pumpkin soup
head of a knight- such a dupe!
and as the chickens leave the coop
they chirp and slirp
at the pumpkin remains
while a new Headless Horseman
grabs the horse's reins.
-The Headless Horseman
a Halloween poem
written by Dracul Van Helsing
Friday October 30th, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The Man In The Darth Vader Mask
She was the receptionist at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch in Nevada.
This was the ranch where the "virgin" called "Nat" had auctioned off her "virginity" on-line.
And tonight the lucky winner (or the damned fool sucker! -depending on your perspective!) of the on-line auction would claim his virgin.
All Gina knew about the buyer of Nat's virginity was that he wore a Darth Vader mask when checking into the ranch.
Was he a famous person Gina wondered?
Maybe he was David Letterman of "I did have sex with some of my female workers" fame.
Gina suddenly blinked.
Was she right after all?
For there standing in front of her was late night talk show host David Letterman.
"Hi, I'm David Letterman," the celebrity grinned, "I've got permission from ranch management to film the "virgin" called Nat being deflowered."
At that moment, Kanye West walked by.
"Yo, Dave," Kanye West grinned, "you're a couple of years late and several million dollars short. Beyonce had one of the best sex videos ever."
West left the ranch and directed his chauffeur to drive him to the nearest Sexually Transmitted Diseases Clinic in Las Vegas.
"That man's a jackass," Letterman shook his head.
"Glad to see you're patriotic," a well-known U.S. Democratic senator walked by with a jacket over his head, "Nice to see people quoting our beloved President."
"I'm opposed to ObamaCare," remarked a well-known Republican congressman who walked by wearing a paper bag over his head.
"So it seems this Moonlight Bunny Ranch is bi-partisan in its clientele," Letterman smiled.
"A prick's a prick be he Democrat or Republican," the ranch's owner and Madame spoke up.
Gina spoke into the intercom, "Man in the Darth Vader mask, your virgin is now ready in Room 69. Man in the Darth Vader mask, your virgin is now ready in Room 69."
Out of one of the curtains in the waiting room strode the Man In The Darth Vader Mask.
He knocked on the door of Room 69.
"Come in," said Nat.
"Nat," spoke the Man In The Darth Vader Mask, "your photo did you justice. You look exactly like my beloved Marguerite."
"Who's Marguerite?" Nat asked.
The Man In The Darth Vader Mask paused and then spoke in a sad mournful tone, "A woman I knew... a long, long time ago."
"In a galaxy far, far away?" Nat asked.
"What?" The Man In The Darth Vader Mask would have looked confused if he hadn't been wearing a mask.
"Take off your mask," Nat asked.
"What?" The Man In The Darth Vader Mask would have blinked had he been capable of blinking.
"If I'm going to lose my virginity to you, I want to see your face," she ripped off his mask and then screamed.
For the man's face was made up of wheat, barley, crabgrass, dandelions, Scotch thistle, purple dock and ragweed.
At that moment a man wearing a ski mask burst into the room.
Speaking with a thick Irish brogue, the man in the ski mask said, "Doctor Faustus, I presume?".
When the man whose face looked like a farmer's field nodded, the man in the ski mask threw a lit cigarette into his face.
Doctor Faustus' face went up in flames as the man in the ski mask fled the room.
Within minutes, the over 500-year-old Renaissance alchemist Doctor Johann Georg Faust was reduced to ashes.
When police arrived on the scene an hour later, the lead detective whose name coincidentally enough was Lt. Columbo (like the famed TV detective of yesteryear) scratched his head and remarked, "I thought the Burning Man Festival in Nevada was being held last month."
"What type of cigarette do you think was used?" the sargeant asked Lt. Columbo.
"It appears to be a Camel," replied Lt. Columbo who at one time was a heavy smoker.
Lt. Columbo looked over at Nat the virgin who was sitting on the bed weeping. Then he looked down at the remains of the burnt Camel cigarette. And finally at the remains of Doctor Faust.
His eyes darted back and forth.
Nat. Camel. Faust.
Then his eyes fell on the open pages of the Gideon Bible which lay on the dresser open at Matthew 23:24:
"Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel."
To be continued.
This was the ranch where the "virgin" called "Nat" had auctioned off her "virginity" on-line.
And tonight the lucky winner (or the damned fool sucker! -depending on your perspective!) of the on-line auction would claim his virgin.
All Gina knew about the buyer of Nat's virginity was that he wore a Darth Vader mask when checking into the ranch.
Was he a famous person Gina wondered?
Maybe he was David Letterman of "I did have sex with some of my female workers" fame.
Gina suddenly blinked.
Was she right after all?
For there standing in front of her was late night talk show host David Letterman.
"Hi, I'm David Letterman," the celebrity grinned, "I've got permission from ranch management to film the "virgin" called Nat being deflowered."
At that moment, Kanye West walked by.
"Yo, Dave," Kanye West grinned, "you're a couple of years late and several million dollars short. Beyonce had one of the best sex videos ever."
West left the ranch and directed his chauffeur to drive him to the nearest Sexually Transmitted Diseases Clinic in Las Vegas.
"That man's a jackass," Letterman shook his head.
"Glad to see you're patriotic," a well-known U.S. Democratic senator walked by with a jacket over his head, "Nice to see people quoting our beloved President."
"I'm opposed to ObamaCare," remarked a well-known Republican congressman who walked by wearing a paper bag over his head.
"So it seems this Moonlight Bunny Ranch is bi-partisan in its clientele," Letterman smiled.
"A prick's a prick be he Democrat or Republican," the ranch's owner and Madame spoke up.
Gina spoke into the intercom, "Man in the Darth Vader mask, your virgin is now ready in Room 69. Man in the Darth Vader mask, your virgin is now ready in Room 69."
Out of one of the curtains in the waiting room strode the Man In The Darth Vader Mask.
He knocked on the door of Room 69.
"Come in," said Nat.
"Nat," spoke the Man In The Darth Vader Mask, "your photo did you justice. You look exactly like my beloved Marguerite."
"Who's Marguerite?" Nat asked.
The Man In The Darth Vader Mask paused and then spoke in a sad mournful tone, "A woman I knew... a long, long time ago."
"In a galaxy far, far away?" Nat asked.
"What?" The Man In The Darth Vader Mask would have looked confused if he hadn't been wearing a mask.
"Take off your mask," Nat asked.
"What?" The Man In The Darth Vader Mask would have blinked had he been capable of blinking.
"If I'm going to lose my virginity to you, I want to see your face," she ripped off his mask and then screamed.
For the man's face was made up of wheat, barley, crabgrass, dandelions, Scotch thistle, purple dock and ragweed.
At that moment a man wearing a ski mask burst into the room.
Speaking with a thick Irish brogue, the man in the ski mask said, "Doctor Faustus, I presume?".
When the man whose face looked like a farmer's field nodded, the man in the ski mask threw a lit cigarette into his face.
Doctor Faustus' face went up in flames as the man in the ski mask fled the room.
Within minutes, the over 500-year-old Renaissance alchemist Doctor Johann Georg Faust was reduced to ashes.
When police arrived on the scene an hour later, the lead detective whose name coincidentally enough was Lt. Columbo (like the famed TV detective of yesteryear) scratched his head and remarked, "I thought the Burning Man Festival in Nevada was being held last month."
"What type of cigarette do you think was used?" the sargeant asked Lt. Columbo.
"It appears to be a Camel," replied Lt. Columbo who at one time was a heavy smoker.
Lt. Columbo looked over at Nat the virgin who was sitting on the bed weeping. Then he looked down at the remains of the burnt Camel cigarette. And finally at the remains of Doctor Faust.
His eyes darted back and forth.
Nat. Camel. Faust.
Then his eyes fell on the open pages of the Gideon Bible which lay on the dresser open at Matthew 23:24:
"Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel."
To be continued.
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