Nero Wilson On The Arsenio Hall Show
Nero Wilson was getting a haircut in a Los Angeles barber shop so he'd look more like his hero the Roman Emperor Nero when he performed with his band Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers on The Arsenio Hall Show tonight.
Nero Wilson's cousin Charlie Wilson (whose band stage name was Bud Lou) the band's electrical guitarist was standing in line in a Los Angeles gun store hoping to buy himself a gun.
The reason why Charlie Wilson was buying himself a gun was because Sekhmet the band's female singer was going to wear an authentic ET gray's laser death ray gun inside her belt for the band's appearance on The Arsenio Hall Show tonight.
So Charlie Wilson thought he'd wear a good old authentic American handgun inside his belt for their appearance.
The trouble was as Charlie Wilson was standing in line inside the gun store, he was complaining to everyone in line that here he was a rock 'n roll musician and he was still a virgin.
As soon as the gun store owner heard that, he immediately denied Charlie Wilson permission to buy a gun when the electrical guitarist came up to the till because being a virgin, the man was obviously mentally ill.
The gun store owner didn't want to be held responsible for another Elliot Rodger style incident like the recent Isla Vista killings at Santa Barbara.
Not that the gun store owner was concerned about loss of life (if he was concerned about loss of life, he wouldn't be in this business). He was more worried about potential lawsuits from potential victims' families for selling a gun to a mentally ill person... like a virgin (to quote a Madonna song title).
So Charlie Wilson left the store a dejected man.
He wasn't able to get laid.
And he wasn't able to get a gun.
Later Charlie Wilson's younger brother Dave Wilson (whose band stage name was Abbott Costello) the band's drummer arrived in the same gun store later to buy himself a gun.
If Sekhmet was going to wear an authentic ET gray's laser death ray gun in her belt during the performance on The Arsenio Hall Show, then he was going to wear an authentic American hand gun tied to a pony tail on his long heavy metal headbanger style hair.
As Dave Wilson stood in line inside the gun store, he boasted to everyone in line about his numerous sexual conquests as a drummer in a rock and roll band.
The gun store owner took note of Dave.
Nothing mentally ill about that guy he thought to himself.
In fact the man seemed to represent the personification of the apotheosis of the American (wet) Dream.
When Dave reached the till, the gun store owner sold him enough guns and ammunition to have lasted an entire division of the U.S. Army a whole year at the height of the Afghan War.
. . .
Renfield R. Renfield sat at the back of the theatre during this night's filming of The Arsenio Hall Show.
As soon as the show's host Arsenio Hall introduced Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers and the band started playing, then Renfield R. Renfield the world's first and only genetically created shapeshifting hamster/human would shapeshift into a hamster and run up on stage and crawl up Sekhmet's lovely black silk nylon clad leg and then remove the authentic ET gray's laser death ray gun from her belt and then run off stage heading straight for the exit door.
Arsenio Hall spoke, "And now ladies and gentlemen... here they are... the band who's currently playing at The Tropicana Nightclub in downtown Los Angeles... Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers..."
The audience started applauding as the band burst into a rendition of their hit song I'll Give You The Moon If You Give Me The Finger In This Traffic Jam.
Nero Wilson was wearing a Roman toga around his body, leather sandals on his feet and a laurel wreath in his hair as he played the electric violin.
Charlie Wilson was wearing a t- shirt with Mr. Bean's picture on it and some purple and gold plaid pants and some yellow sneakers as he played the electric guitar.
Sekhmet was wearing a fringe skirted lion's skin mini dress, black silk pantyhose and gold spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes as she sang, "You better watch out 'cause I'm lifting my skirt. I'll give you the moon if you give me the finger in this traffic jam..."
Around her waist she wore a belt with Egyptian hieroglyphs on it.
And of course inside her belt was tucked the authentic ET gray's laser death ray gun.
Dave Wilson the drummer was wearing a black shirt, black pants and black shoes as he played the drums.
His long hair was tied in a pony tail.
Attached to the pony tail was a 44 Magnum.
Suddenly women in the audience started jumping up and down and screaming "Mouse! Mouse! There's a mouse in the house!".
A nerdy looking bookish type guy with glasses ( who had also been denied a gun permit that afternoon) said, "Actually, I think it's a hamster."
The hamster started crawling up one of Sekhmet's sexy and shapely black silk nylon clad legs.
"Oh God, that feels good," Sekhmet moaned.
Nero Wilson stopped playing the electric violin and turned to her saying, "I don't recall those lyrics being in the song."
"Yes, yes, yes," Sekhmet shrieked ecstatically as she leaned backwards on to the floor and lifted her already short short skirt.
"Good Lord, she's outgaga-ing Lady Gaga," Arsenio Hall spewed Gatorade out of his mouth and all over one of the cameras as he spoke.
The hamster grabbed the ET gray's laser death ray gun out of her Egyptian hieroglyph belt and then ran straight through her legs.
The gun went off.
But fortunately it was just on the Shock mode and not the Kill mode.
"The mother ship of all orgasms," Sekhmet shouted in delight about the out-of-this-world experience she just had.
The hamster flashed the happiest hamster face of all time at the camera and then ran out of the theatre.
At that point, Charlie Wilson's smart phone went off.
It was a text message coming in from the bully of his old high school graduating class back home in Cleveland, "What a loser you are, Charlie. There you are out on the West Coast in California and even a hamster is able to score before you do."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 30th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, May 30, 2014
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Renfield Recalls Conversation With Sekhmet
Renfield Recalls Conversation With Sekhmet
As Renfield swam in the hotel swimming pool, he recalled the conversation he had last Saturday night with Sekhmet the lead female singer for the band Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers after their on-stage performance at The Tropicana Nightclub.
During the performance he had looked around for any sign of the ET gray but couldn't spot any.
After the show he went backstage and ended up talking to Sekhmet.
Renfield was still dressed in blackface having performed an impromptu Al Jolson minstrel show performance in a Chinese restaurant earlier that evening much to the horror of embattled Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling.
So Sekhmet naturally mistook him for an Afro-American and Renfield played along speaking in an American Deep South southern accent.
Renfield told her that his name was Merlin Houdini Johnson and that he was the shortest player on the entire Los Angeles Clippers basketball team.
Renfield said how much he enjoyed their performance and particularly her outfit.
Sekhmet said that she'd be wearing the same outfit when they performed on The Arsenio Hall Show a few days hence.
Renfield said that he really loved her fringe skirted lion mini dress and her belt with Egyptian hieroglyphs on it.
What would really give the finishing touches to her outfit, Renfield suggested, would be if she could get her hands on a genuine ET gray's laser death ray gun and put it inside her belt while she sang.
The resulting fashion ensemble would be an out-of-this-world experience and would make the Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers performance on The Arsenio Hall Show the most talked about performance in television history ever since The Beatles first performed on The Ed Sullivan Show back in February 1964.
Sekhmet blew an eyelash when Renfield spoke these words.
As a matter of fact, Sekhmet said, as she adjusted her dress and her belt, she did know how to get her hands on a genuine ET gray's laser death ray gun.
Splendid, splendid, Renfield temporarily reverted back to his British accent, then he'd look forward to seeing her on The Arsenio Hall Show.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday May 28th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
As Renfield swam in the hotel swimming pool, he recalled the conversation he had last Saturday night with Sekhmet the lead female singer for the band Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers after their on-stage performance at The Tropicana Nightclub.
During the performance he had looked around for any sign of the ET gray but couldn't spot any.
After the show he went backstage and ended up talking to Sekhmet.
Renfield was still dressed in blackface having performed an impromptu Al Jolson minstrel show performance in a Chinese restaurant earlier that evening much to the horror of embattled Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling.
So Sekhmet naturally mistook him for an Afro-American and Renfield played along speaking in an American Deep South southern accent.
Renfield told her that his name was Merlin Houdini Johnson and that he was the shortest player on the entire Los Angeles Clippers basketball team.
Renfield said how much he enjoyed their performance and particularly her outfit.
Sekhmet said that she'd be wearing the same outfit when they performed on The Arsenio Hall Show a few days hence.
Renfield said that he really loved her fringe skirted lion mini dress and her belt with Egyptian hieroglyphs on it.
What would really give the finishing touches to her outfit, Renfield suggested, would be if she could get her hands on a genuine ET gray's laser death ray gun and put it inside her belt while she sang.
The resulting fashion ensemble would be an out-of-this-world experience and would make the Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers performance on The Arsenio Hall Show the most talked about performance in television history ever since The Beatles first performed on The Ed Sullivan Show back in February 1964.
Sekhmet blew an eyelash when Renfield spoke these words.
As a matter of fact, Sekhmet said, as she adjusted her dress and her belt, she did know how to get her hands on a genuine ET gray's laser death ray gun.
Splendid, splendid, Renfield temporarily reverted back to his British accent, then he'd look forward to seeing her on The Arsenio Hall Show.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday May 28th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, May 26, 2014
Renfield In Southern California
Renfield In Southern California
"A young woman's buttocks are still stinging after a drive-by spanking that occurred at a street corner in West Hollywood last night..."
Renfield turned off the alarm clock radio in his hotel room.
Yes, he was definitely in Southern California all right.
Southern California would be the only place on Earth where such a news story would happen.
. . .
Renfield contacted an entertainment reporter he knew at KTLA Channel 5 News in Los Angeles for the scoop on Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers.
He had deduced from stories on the Internet that this band knew the whereabouts of the ET gray who crashed his UFO in the desert near Mesa, Arizona.
He learned they were playing at The Tropicana Nightclub in downtown Los Angeles.
Renfield would attend their concert tonight.
. . .
Renfield R. Renfield passed a shoe shine stand as he walked along the street.
That was interesting, Renfield thought to himself.
He had often seen shoe shine stands in old classic American movies from the '30s, '40s, '50s and '60s.
He didn't know they still existed.
Renfield continued walking in what he presumed was the direction of The Tropicana Nightclub.
He happened to pass a Chinese restaurant where he noticed that embattled Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling was sitting and complaining in a loud voice, "Why are there so many Asians in this place?".
This gave Renfield an idea.
He still had an hour to kill before the Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers concert at The Tropicana.
He returned to the shoe shine stand where he bought some black shoe polish from the shoe shine boy.
He then borrowed a compact mirror from a woman wearing a sexy Halloween nurse's outfit who said her name was Akira and she was trying to find her way to West Hollywood.
Renfield replied in his British accent that he was a stranger in Los Angeles and had no idea where West Hollywood was located.
As Akira held the compact mirror for him, Renfield applied the black shoe polish to his face, neck, arms and hands.
He borrowed some rouge lipstick from her and made his lips much bigger.
He soon looked like a blackface Al Jolson about to perform in one of those minstrel shows from the 1920s.
He thanked Akira for the use of the red lipstick and the compact mirror and continued walking down the street.
He then went into the Chinese restaurant where Donald Sterling was sitting.
Upon entering the restaurant and helping himself to both a top hat and walking stick from the coat check, Renfield immediately burst into a rendition of that old Al Jolson song Mammy.
He sang (mixing up the lyrics of the two old Al Jolson songs Mammy and Swanee), "Mammy, how I love ya. How I love ya."
He then went up to Donald Sterling and gave him a kiss on the lips.
As Renfield left the restaurant and continued down the street, he could hear the restaurant's doorman shouting up and down the street, "Paging an ambulance for Mr. Sterling. Ambulance for Mr. Sterling."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 24th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
"A young woman's buttocks are still stinging after a drive-by spanking that occurred at a street corner in West Hollywood last night..."
Renfield turned off the alarm clock radio in his hotel room.
Yes, he was definitely in Southern California all right.
Southern California would be the only place on Earth where such a news story would happen.
. . .
Renfield contacted an entertainment reporter he knew at KTLA Channel 5 News in Los Angeles for the scoop on Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers.
He had deduced from stories on the Internet that this band knew the whereabouts of the ET gray who crashed his UFO in the desert near Mesa, Arizona.
He learned they were playing at The Tropicana Nightclub in downtown Los Angeles.
Renfield would attend their concert tonight.
. . .
Renfield R. Renfield passed a shoe shine stand as he walked along the street.
That was interesting, Renfield thought to himself.
He had often seen shoe shine stands in old classic American movies from the '30s, '40s, '50s and '60s.
He didn't know they still existed.
Renfield continued walking in what he presumed was the direction of The Tropicana Nightclub.
He happened to pass a Chinese restaurant where he noticed that embattled Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling was sitting and complaining in a loud voice, "Why are there so many Asians in this place?".
This gave Renfield an idea.
He still had an hour to kill before the Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers concert at The Tropicana.
He returned to the shoe shine stand where he bought some black shoe polish from the shoe shine boy.
He then borrowed a compact mirror from a woman wearing a sexy Halloween nurse's outfit who said her name was Akira and she was trying to find her way to West Hollywood.
Renfield replied in his British accent that he was a stranger in Los Angeles and had no idea where West Hollywood was located.
As Akira held the compact mirror for him, Renfield applied the black shoe polish to his face, neck, arms and hands.
He borrowed some rouge lipstick from her and made his lips much bigger.
He soon looked like a blackface Al Jolson about to perform in one of those minstrel shows from the 1920s.
He thanked Akira for the use of the red lipstick and the compact mirror and continued walking down the street.
He then went into the Chinese restaurant where Donald Sterling was sitting.
Upon entering the restaurant and helping himself to both a top hat and walking stick from the coat check, Renfield immediately burst into a rendition of that old Al Jolson song Mammy.
He sang (mixing up the lyrics of the two old Al Jolson songs Mammy and Swanee), "Mammy, how I love ya. How I love ya."
He then went up to Donald Sterling and gave him a kiss on the lips.
As Renfield left the restaurant and continued down the street, he could hear the restaurant's doorman shouting up and down the street, "Paging an ambulance for Mr. Sterling. Ambulance for Mr. Sterling."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 24th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Sekhmet Explains The ET Gray
Sekhmet Explains The ET Gray
Nero Wilson sat in the hotel dining room drinking orange juice and eating pancakes.
It had been a couple of days since he had discovered the ET gray in his hotel bedroom closet.
He found out that the ET gray had been introduced to his band's lead singer Sekhmet after the open-air desert concert outside Mesa, Arizona by a groupie of the band named Lana who had then made out with the band's drummer Dave Wilson (stage name Abbott Costello).
Sekhmet had hidden the ET gray in her suitcase telling everyone that it was just a teddy bear a fan had given her.
And so the ET gray had been in her suitcase the whole time they had driven from Arizona to California.
The ET gray had then been in the closet in Sekhmet's hotel room but he had gone out in the night to take an extraterrestrial leak and when he came back in the darkness, all the hotel rooms had looked the same to him so he entered Nero Wilson's room and closet by mistake.
Stories about Nero Wilson's finding the ET gray in his closet had hit the Internet the same way a diarrhea ridden acrobatic knife thrower's shit would hit the fan.
Of course one good thing about the story was that it made for two sold out performances the past couple of nights at The Tropicana Nightclub a small venue in downtown Los Angeles where his band Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers were performing.
Plus he had also been invited to be a guest and have his band perform on The Arsenio Hall Show while he was here in Los Angeles as a result of the story about him and the ET gray.
. . .
"I see six young people in Iran were arrested for filming a tribute video to Pharrell Williams' song Happy," Amadeus Emanon remarked as he ate his Happy Meal from McDonald's.
"I suppose the assholes who govern Iran don't want anyone in the country to be happy," Renfield R. Renfield replied as he ate his Filet 'o Fish.
"I suppose not," Amadeus answered.
Amadeus then noticed that Renfield was booking a British Airways flight from London to Los Angeles on his laptop.
"Why are you flying to Los Angeles?" Amadeus asked.
Renfield winced.
He dare not tell bigmouth chatterbox Amadeus that he had been hired by their boss' Archenemy the Vampiress Isis to steal a laser death ray gun from an ET gray.
Nor that the ET gray had shown up in Los Angeles according to the Internet's leading social networking sites.
So Renfield said, "I'm going to see how my porn movie company in Orange County is doing."
It was perfectly true that Renfield owned a small pornographic film studio in Orange County and he occasionally checked in from time to time to see how they were doing (not to mention personally auditioning young actresses who were hoping to break into the industry).
"Oh I see," Amadeus decided to change the subject, "that Prince Charles while visiting an Immigration Museum in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada compared Vladimir Putin's recent actions to Hitler's actions in the 1930s."
"He did?" Renfield suddenly turned white.
For it was Renfield's latest project and goal and dream in life that he be awarded a knighthood from The Queen sometime this year.
Renfield immediately went on to Facebook and unfriended Vladimir Putin.
. . .
"I'm going to kill him," Russian President Vladimir Putin shrieked and foamed at the mouth to Russian Vampiress and FSB agent Svetlana Kireeva.
"Who?" Svetlana asked, "Charles, Prince of Wales for comparing you to Hitler?".
"No," Putin went apoplectic, "Renfield R. Renfield for unfriending me on Facebook."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday May 21st
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Nero Wilson sat in the hotel dining room drinking orange juice and eating pancakes.
It had been a couple of days since he had discovered the ET gray in his hotel bedroom closet.
He found out that the ET gray had been introduced to his band's lead singer Sekhmet after the open-air desert concert outside Mesa, Arizona by a groupie of the band named Lana who had then made out with the band's drummer Dave Wilson (stage name Abbott Costello).
Sekhmet had hidden the ET gray in her suitcase telling everyone that it was just a teddy bear a fan had given her.
And so the ET gray had been in her suitcase the whole time they had driven from Arizona to California.
The ET gray had then been in the closet in Sekhmet's hotel room but he had gone out in the night to take an extraterrestrial leak and when he came back in the darkness, all the hotel rooms had looked the same to him so he entered Nero Wilson's room and closet by mistake.
Stories about Nero Wilson's finding the ET gray in his closet had hit the Internet the same way a diarrhea ridden acrobatic knife thrower's shit would hit the fan.
Of course one good thing about the story was that it made for two sold out performances the past couple of nights at The Tropicana Nightclub a small venue in downtown Los Angeles where his band Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers were performing.
Plus he had also been invited to be a guest and have his band perform on The Arsenio Hall Show while he was here in Los Angeles as a result of the story about him and the ET gray.
. . .
"I see six young people in Iran were arrested for filming a tribute video to Pharrell Williams' song Happy," Amadeus Emanon remarked as he ate his Happy Meal from McDonald's.
"I suppose the assholes who govern Iran don't want anyone in the country to be happy," Renfield R. Renfield replied as he ate his Filet 'o Fish.
"I suppose not," Amadeus answered.
Amadeus then noticed that Renfield was booking a British Airways flight from London to Los Angeles on his laptop.
"Why are you flying to Los Angeles?" Amadeus asked.
Renfield winced.
He dare not tell bigmouth chatterbox Amadeus that he had been hired by their boss' Archenemy the Vampiress Isis to steal a laser death ray gun from an ET gray.
Nor that the ET gray had shown up in Los Angeles according to the Internet's leading social networking sites.
So Renfield said, "I'm going to see how my porn movie company in Orange County is doing."
It was perfectly true that Renfield owned a small pornographic film studio in Orange County and he occasionally checked in from time to time to see how they were doing (not to mention personally auditioning young actresses who were hoping to break into the industry).
"Oh I see," Amadeus decided to change the subject, "that Prince Charles while visiting an Immigration Museum in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada compared Vladimir Putin's recent actions to Hitler's actions in the 1930s."
"He did?" Renfield suddenly turned white.
For it was Renfield's latest project and goal and dream in life that he be awarded a knighthood from The Queen sometime this year.
Renfield immediately went on to Facebook and unfriended Vladimir Putin.
. . .
"I'm going to kill him," Russian President Vladimir Putin shrieked and foamed at the mouth to Russian Vampiress and FSB agent Svetlana Kireeva.
"Who?" Svetlana asked, "Charles, Prince of Wales for comparing you to Hitler?".
"No," Putin went apoplectic, "Renfield R. Renfield for unfriending me on Facebook."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday May 21st
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Nero Wilson and The ET Gray
Nero Wilson and The ET Gray
Nero Wilson the lead electrical violinist for the band Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers was lying in bed in his hotel in Los Angeles California.
He was playing a gig somewhere in LA tonight.
He couldn't remember where.
A few nights ago he and his band were playing an open-air concert in the desert outside Mesa, Arizona- the same night that rumours were circulating that a UFO had crashed in the vicinity of the concert.
Maybe a UFO had crashed that night.
After all members of his band were acting pretty strange since then.
Well even stranger than usual he should say.
His cousin Dave Wilson (whose band name was Abbott Costello) the drummer had naturally got lucky with a groupie that night and had made out with a hot looking brunette named Lana who coincidentally was wearing a mini dress with a picture of ET on it.
His cousin Charlie Wilson (whose band name was Bud Lou) the electrical guitarist was once again complaining that he had no one to make out with.
And at the rate he was going, Charlie had whined, it was going to take him forever to equal Mick Jagger's bedding record.
The band's lead (and only) female singer Sekhmet had hidden what appeared to be a large teddy bear in her suitcase and wouldn't let anyone near it.
All the while drinking bottles of blood (of course that wasn't so unusual. That was something Sekhmet had done since Nero first met her).
Then they had left Arizona and had driven to California in their old 1960s Volkswagen van that still had old hippy peace symbols on it as well as stickers that said Make Love Not War, Peace Now, Ban The Bomb, and Nuke Nixon.
Sekhmet was sleeping in her coffin in the back (as she always did whenever they drove in the daylight).
Her suitcase now had a combination lock on it.
Charlie and Dave were busy performing Beethoven's Fifth Symphony with their coughing and hacking and respiratory problems as a result of driving with the windows open (the van's air conditioning system had apparently died on the same day as Charles de Gaulle according to the used car salesman from whom they bought the van) and they were inhaling all that smoke blowing in from the Southern California wild fires as they drove west.
Nero Wilson the only member of the group who was wearing an oxygen mask was having no problems as he drove the van.
Quite a memorable trip west, Nero thought as he went and showered.
When he had finished showering and shaving and brushing his teeth, he came out of the bathroom and went over to the closet.
When he opened the closet, an ET gray walked out.
As rumours on the Internet social networking sites would put it later, ET gray comes out of the closet in Nero Wilson's California hotel room.
Nero Wilson's mother Agrippina almost choked on her mushroom soup back home in Cleveland Ohio as she read the rumour that had been shared over 17,155 times on a close friend's Facebook status.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 19th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Nero Wilson the lead electrical violinist for the band Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers was lying in bed in his hotel in Los Angeles California.
He was playing a gig somewhere in LA tonight.
He couldn't remember where.
A few nights ago he and his band were playing an open-air concert in the desert outside Mesa, Arizona- the same night that rumours were circulating that a UFO had crashed in the vicinity of the concert.
Maybe a UFO had crashed that night.
After all members of his band were acting pretty strange since then.
Well even stranger than usual he should say.
His cousin Dave Wilson (whose band name was Abbott Costello) the drummer had naturally got lucky with a groupie that night and had made out with a hot looking brunette named Lana who coincidentally was wearing a mini dress with a picture of ET on it.
His cousin Charlie Wilson (whose band name was Bud Lou) the electrical guitarist was once again complaining that he had no one to make out with.
And at the rate he was going, Charlie had whined, it was going to take him forever to equal Mick Jagger's bedding record.
The band's lead (and only) female singer Sekhmet had hidden what appeared to be a large teddy bear in her suitcase and wouldn't let anyone near it.
All the while drinking bottles of blood (of course that wasn't so unusual. That was something Sekhmet had done since Nero first met her).
Then they had left Arizona and had driven to California in their old 1960s Volkswagen van that still had old hippy peace symbols on it as well as stickers that said Make Love Not War, Peace Now, Ban The Bomb, and Nuke Nixon.
Sekhmet was sleeping in her coffin in the back (as she always did whenever they drove in the daylight).
Her suitcase now had a combination lock on it.
Charlie and Dave were busy performing Beethoven's Fifth Symphony with their coughing and hacking and respiratory problems as a result of driving with the windows open (the van's air conditioning system had apparently died on the same day as Charles de Gaulle according to the used car salesman from whom they bought the van) and they were inhaling all that smoke blowing in from the Southern California wild fires as they drove west.
Nero Wilson the only member of the group who was wearing an oxygen mask was having no problems as he drove the van.
Quite a memorable trip west, Nero thought as he went and showered.
When he had finished showering and shaving and brushing his teeth, he came out of the bathroom and went over to the closet.
When he opened the closet, an ET gray walked out.
As rumours on the Internet social networking sites would put it later, ET gray comes out of the closet in Nero Wilson's California hotel room.
Nero Wilson's mother Agrippina almost choked on her mushroom soup back home in Cleveland Ohio as she read the rumour that had been shared over 17,155 times on a close friend's Facebook status.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 19th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Renfield Meets Isis In Paris
Renfield Meets Isis In Paris
Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in an exclusive Parisienne sidewalk cafe restaurant and drinking cafe au lait while reading about the upcoming Florence Italy wedding nuptials of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.
"I wonder if they'll invite me to the wedding," Renfield mused aloud as he added more sugar to his cafe au lait.
"You know Kim Kardashian or Kanye West?" The French waiter asked Renfield.
"She and her sisters once gave me a blow job underneath a table in a McDonald's in Manhattan," Renfield replied as he sprayed some whipping cream on top of his cafe au lait.
The waiter left.
Renfield was to meet the Egyptian Vampiress Isis in this restaurant to discuss a business proposition.
Renfield who worked for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set didn't know whether he should be meeting his Boss' archenemy (who was also his boss' sister and sister-in-law) but when Isis offered to take him to an exclusive Parisienne restaurant where they clandestinely served mermaid sandwiches made from mermaids caught from the River Seine, Renfield immediately accepted.
The only thing Renfield loved more than a tuna fish sandwich was a mermaid sandwich made from freshly caught mermaids and he had read in the Mermaid Connoisseur's Digest that the Mermaids from the River Seine were an exceptionally exquisite delicacy.
He had never tried them before.
He had tried Japanese mermaid sushi in Tokyo and Irish mermaid cooked in Guinness in the town of Galway in Ireland but he had never tried French mermaid (fresh from the River Seine) cooked in a delicate red Burgundy wine and covered with a finely laced mushroom gravy.
Renfield decided not to bring his co-worker Amadeus Emanon with him on this particular business trip as Amadeus would always become visibly upset and start crying whenever Renfield ate a mermaid sandwich.
He would always start sobbing, "Ariel. Poor little Ariel."
In his opinion, Amadeus had seen the Walt Disney animated film The Little Mermaid once too many times.
"I'm here," the Vampiress Isis announced as she sat down in a beautiful beige evening dress.
She's quite a looker, Renfield had to admit to himself.
In fact it took every ounce of his will power to stop himself from masturbating on the spot.
"So," Isis explained the matter of the UFO that had crashed a few nights ago near Mesa, Arizona and how a U.S. Border Patrol officer had been disintegrated by a laser death ray fired from an ET gray's gun, "I want you to steal this ET gray's laser death ray gun and give it to me."
"For what purpose?" Renfield asked as he bit into his hot steaming red Burgundy and mushroom gravy covered mermaid sandwich.
"That I can't reveal," Isis answered as she raised one side of her dress revealing a shapely black silk nylon covered leg.
Renfield used his napkin to cover his erection.
"Well," said Renfield, "I need you to swear by Atum-Ra that you won't use this laser death ray against my boss Set or any friend, acquaintance or employee of my boss Set."
Isis raised her right hand and said, "By Atum-Ra, I do so swear."
Renfield accepted this for no ancient Egyptian vampire or Vampiress worth his or her salt would swear an oath to Atum-Ra in vain.
"Why me?" Renfield asked.
"Because while I hate to admit this with you being an employee of my enemy Set and all," she leaned forward showing her amply endowed breasts, "but in my opinion you're the best thief in the world."
Renfield had to admit that he was.
In fact Renfield had to admit that he often thought that the dashing and debonair Sir Sean Connery should play him in a film about one of his numerous master thief exploits.
Isis agreed.
They cemented the deal with an act of tantric sex on the dining room table.
In another corner of the restaurant, French President Francois Hollande stared in fixed fascination.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 17th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in an exclusive Parisienne sidewalk cafe restaurant and drinking cafe au lait while reading about the upcoming Florence Italy wedding nuptials of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.
"I wonder if they'll invite me to the wedding," Renfield mused aloud as he added more sugar to his cafe au lait.
"You know Kim Kardashian or Kanye West?" The French waiter asked Renfield.
"She and her sisters once gave me a blow job underneath a table in a McDonald's in Manhattan," Renfield replied as he sprayed some whipping cream on top of his cafe au lait.
The waiter left.
Renfield was to meet the Egyptian Vampiress Isis in this restaurant to discuss a business proposition.
Renfield who worked for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set didn't know whether he should be meeting his Boss' archenemy (who was also his boss' sister and sister-in-law) but when Isis offered to take him to an exclusive Parisienne restaurant where they clandestinely served mermaid sandwiches made from mermaids caught from the River Seine, Renfield immediately accepted.
The only thing Renfield loved more than a tuna fish sandwich was a mermaid sandwich made from freshly caught mermaids and he had read in the Mermaid Connoisseur's Digest that the Mermaids from the River Seine were an exceptionally exquisite delicacy.
He had never tried them before.
He had tried Japanese mermaid sushi in Tokyo and Irish mermaid cooked in Guinness in the town of Galway in Ireland but he had never tried French mermaid (fresh from the River Seine) cooked in a delicate red Burgundy wine and covered with a finely laced mushroom gravy.
Renfield decided not to bring his co-worker Amadeus Emanon with him on this particular business trip as Amadeus would always become visibly upset and start crying whenever Renfield ate a mermaid sandwich.
He would always start sobbing, "Ariel. Poor little Ariel."
In his opinion, Amadeus had seen the Walt Disney animated film The Little Mermaid once too many times.
"I'm here," the Vampiress Isis announced as she sat down in a beautiful beige evening dress.
She's quite a looker, Renfield had to admit to himself.
In fact it took every ounce of his will power to stop himself from masturbating on the spot.
"So," Isis explained the matter of the UFO that had crashed a few nights ago near Mesa, Arizona and how a U.S. Border Patrol officer had been disintegrated by a laser death ray fired from an ET gray's gun, "I want you to steal this ET gray's laser death ray gun and give it to me."
"For what purpose?" Renfield asked as he bit into his hot steaming red Burgundy and mushroom gravy covered mermaid sandwich.
"That I can't reveal," Isis answered as she raised one side of her dress revealing a shapely black silk nylon covered leg.
Renfield used his napkin to cover his erection.
"Well," said Renfield, "I need you to swear by Atum-Ra that you won't use this laser death ray against my boss Set or any friend, acquaintance or employee of my boss Set."
Isis raised her right hand and said, "By Atum-Ra, I do so swear."
Renfield accepted this for no ancient Egyptian vampire or Vampiress worth his or her salt would swear an oath to Atum-Ra in vain.
"Why me?" Renfield asked.
"Because while I hate to admit this with you being an employee of my enemy Set and all," she leaned forward showing her amply endowed breasts, "but in my opinion you're the best thief in the world."
Renfield had to admit that he was.
In fact Renfield had to admit that he often thought that the dashing and debonair Sir Sean Connery should play him in a film about one of his numerous master thief exploits.
Isis agreed.
They cemented the deal with an act of tantric sex on the dining room table.
In another corner of the restaurant, French President Francois Hollande stared in fixed fascination.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 17th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Men In Black The Day After
Men In Black The Day After
The head of the Men In Black for the State of Arizona was busy chewing out two of his men for last night's fiasco in the desert outside Mesa, Arizona.
One man he chewed out for allowing an ET gray to escape amidst a crowd of drunken pot- smoking concert goers in their late teens and early 20s.
The man protested that he couldn't tell the difference.
The other man in black was chewed out for wearing a bright yellow plaid jacket to last night's fiasco instead of the traditional Men In Black black jacket.
"But I spilled white donut powder over my black jacket after eating 24 boxes of dozen white sprinkled jelly donuts," the heavyset man protested, "and I didn't have time to clean it when the call came in about the UFO crash on the mesa outside Mesa. The only jacket I had available that was clean was my tight fitting yellow plaid jacket."
"And it was your glow-in-the dark yellow plaid jacket that alerted the ET gray to our coming," his superior foamed as he fumed, "besides which you must keep a clean black jacket on hand at all times not a clean plaid jacket. After all, we're called the Men In Black not the Men In Plaid."
. . .
Amadeus Emanon was watching the old 1980s Steve Martin comedy Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid when the phone rang.
Renfield R. Renfield answered it.
He then turned as white as the hamster whiskers he had on those occasions when he shapeshifted into a hamster.
He put the phone down.
He went to the refrigerator to drink a bottle of cranberry juice and a bottle of grape juice to add some colour back to his cheeks.
He returned looking more his natural self.
"What was that phone call about?" a concerned Amadeus asked as he ate a chocolate covered glazed donut that spilled all over his yellow shirt.
"It was the Boss' Archenemy the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis," Renfield replied, "she wants to hire me to steal an ET gray's laser death ray gun for her."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 15th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
The head of the Men In Black for the State of Arizona was busy chewing out two of his men for last night's fiasco in the desert outside Mesa, Arizona.
One man he chewed out for allowing an ET gray to escape amidst a crowd of drunken pot- smoking concert goers in their late teens and early 20s.
The man protested that he couldn't tell the difference.
The other man in black was chewed out for wearing a bright yellow plaid jacket to last night's fiasco instead of the traditional Men In Black black jacket.
"But I spilled white donut powder over my black jacket after eating 24 boxes of dozen white sprinkled jelly donuts," the heavyset man protested, "and I didn't have time to clean it when the call came in about the UFO crash on the mesa outside Mesa. The only jacket I had available that was clean was my tight fitting yellow plaid jacket."
"And it was your glow-in-the dark yellow plaid jacket that alerted the ET gray to our coming," his superior foamed as he fumed, "besides which you must keep a clean black jacket on hand at all times not a clean plaid jacket. After all, we're called the Men In Black not the Men In Plaid."
. . .
Amadeus Emanon was watching the old 1980s Steve Martin comedy Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid when the phone rang.
Renfield R. Renfield answered it.
He then turned as white as the hamster whiskers he had on those occasions when he shapeshifted into a hamster.
He put the phone down.
He went to the refrigerator to drink a bottle of cranberry juice and a bottle of grape juice to add some colour back to his cheeks.
He returned looking more his natural self.
"What was that phone call about?" a concerned Amadeus asked as he ate a chocolate covered glazed donut that spilled all over his yellow shirt.
"It was the Boss' Archenemy the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis," Renfield replied, "she wants to hire me to steal an ET gray's laser death ray gun for her."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 15th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Illegal Alien?
Illegal Alien?
In the desert outside the City of Mesa, Arizona was an open-air concert in the night.
Lana was attending with friends.
She was brunette, 19-years-old and wearing a black mini dress with a picture of ET on it.
The band that was playing the open air concert in the desert was Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers.
They were a group that played an electronic version of Renaissance and Baroque music.
Their lead instrumentalist Nero Wilson was an electric violinist who had failed miserably at fulfilling his mother's ambition for him to become Mayor of Cleveland Ohio.
Their lead singer Sekhmet on stage wearing a lion-skin mini dress was an Egyptian Vampiress suffering from amnesia.
They had just come back to America from a 3-year stint performing in the United Kingdom and Europe.
For a while last year they had a non-electronic instrumentalist in the form of one Pan Goatee who played the pan pipes.
Suspected by Scotland Yard and German police of being a serial killer, Pan Goatee now worked as a hired assassin for the U.S. government.
The concert finished with Nero Wilson's hit song Rome Is Burning Like An Arizona Wildfire.
With lights and electronic fires going off on stage, no one else but Lana noticed the UFO falling from the sky after striking the mesa and then falling to the desert where it burst into flame.
Lana ran in the direction of the fallen UFO while her friends remained behind to cheer and applaud the band.
She came across the remains of the charred UFO.
There on the sandy ground next to the crashed vehicle was the body of a gray (for Lana knew her ET vocabulary) about 4 feet in height.
His/her eyes were closed.
Lana wasn't sure whether the being was dead or not.
Suddenly the creature opened its eyes and spoke in perfect English, "Take me to your Pope."
Lana was taken aback.
Being a fan of 1950s sci-fi films, she was under the impression that if ET aliens spoke English, their first words would be "Take me to your leader."
While the current Pope was certainly very popular, both Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin would probably vigorously object to the Pope being considered the leader of planet Earth.
To say nothing of what her Belfast-born Northern Ireland Presbyterian grandfather would have to say on this subject.
Just then bright lights shone in the direction of the ET gray and Lana.
It was the headlights from a jeep belonging to the U.S. Border Patrol.
"U.S. Border Patrol," the uniformed officer shouted from the jeep, "on the lookout for illegal aliens. I want to see your proper documentation and I'm not going to ask twice."
Indeed the man did not ask twice.
For he was immediately disintegrated by the laser death ray fired from the ET gray's gun.
In the distance, the Men In Black were already on their way.
To be continued.
- A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday May 14th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
In the desert outside the City of Mesa, Arizona was an open-air concert in the night.
Lana was attending with friends.
She was brunette, 19-years-old and wearing a black mini dress with a picture of ET on it.
The band that was playing the open air concert in the desert was Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers.
They were a group that played an electronic version of Renaissance and Baroque music.
Their lead instrumentalist Nero Wilson was an electric violinist who had failed miserably at fulfilling his mother's ambition for him to become Mayor of Cleveland Ohio.
Their lead singer Sekhmet on stage wearing a lion-skin mini dress was an Egyptian Vampiress suffering from amnesia.
They had just come back to America from a 3-year stint performing in the United Kingdom and Europe.
For a while last year they had a non-electronic instrumentalist in the form of one Pan Goatee who played the pan pipes.
Suspected by Scotland Yard and German police of being a serial killer, Pan Goatee now worked as a hired assassin for the U.S. government.
The concert finished with Nero Wilson's hit song Rome Is Burning Like An Arizona Wildfire.
With lights and electronic fires going off on stage, no one else but Lana noticed the UFO falling from the sky after striking the mesa and then falling to the desert where it burst into flame.
Lana ran in the direction of the fallen UFO while her friends remained behind to cheer and applaud the band.
She came across the remains of the charred UFO.
There on the sandy ground next to the crashed vehicle was the body of a gray (for Lana knew her ET vocabulary) about 4 feet in height.
His/her eyes were closed.
Lana wasn't sure whether the being was dead or not.
Suddenly the creature opened its eyes and spoke in perfect English, "Take me to your Pope."
Lana was taken aback.
Being a fan of 1950s sci-fi films, she was under the impression that if ET aliens spoke English, their first words would be "Take me to your leader."
While the current Pope was certainly very popular, both Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin would probably vigorously object to the Pope being considered the leader of planet Earth.
To say nothing of what her Belfast-born Northern Ireland Presbyterian grandfather would have to say on this subject.
Just then bright lights shone in the direction of the ET gray and Lana.
It was the headlights from a jeep belonging to the U.S. Border Patrol.
"U.S. Border Patrol," the uniformed officer shouted from the jeep, "on the lookout for illegal aliens. I want to see your proper documentation and I'm not going to ask twice."
Indeed the man did not ask twice.
For he was immediately disintegrated by the laser death ray fired from the ET gray's gun.
In the distance, the Men In Black were already on their way.
To be continued.
- A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday May 14th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Ancient Dreamcatcher
Ancient Dreamcatcher
The year was 1986.
The KGB agent stationed in Dresden East Germany was paying a visit to East Berlin.
There from a street corner vendor he bought a very old Native American dream catcher.
How the vendor got ahold of this ancient dream catcher he did not say.
The dream catcher was Lakota Sioux in origin although neither the vendor nor the KGB agent knew that.
It had been purchased back in the 1930s by an influential German who loved American western novels and thought it would be nice to have an authentic western Native American relic.
The man kept it in his room where he imagined it caught his dreams.
Later the dream catcher was lost until the street vendor found it in a pile of rubble.
The KGB agent put away the dream catcher upon his return to Dresden and forgot all about it.
. . .
The former KGB agent returned to Moscow from Sochi where he had attended the opening ceremonies of the 2014 Winter Olympics.
He decided to open an old trunk he kept in his office- that contained various souvenirs he had collected over the years.
In the trunk, he came across the old and very ancient Dream Catcher he had purchased from the street vendor in East Berlin back in 1986.
He remembered the incident and the old street vendor.
He decided to hang the Dream Catcher in his bed room.
Maybe it would bring him great dreams after having attended the opening ceremonies in Sochi.
Thus the former KGB agent from Dresden hung in his bedroom the old Lakota Sioux dream catcher that had caught the dreams of that influential German who loved American Western novels and had purchased the item way back in the 1930s.
Vladimir Putin slept.
And the Dream Catcher that had caught the dreams of Adolf Hitler seem to come alive as the moonlight shone through the window.
-A short story
written by Christopher
Sunday May 11th
2014
Sent from my iPhone
The year was 1986.
The KGB agent stationed in Dresden East Germany was paying a visit to East Berlin.
There from a street corner vendor he bought a very old Native American dream catcher.
How the vendor got ahold of this ancient dream catcher he did not say.
The dream catcher was Lakota Sioux in origin although neither the vendor nor the KGB agent knew that.
It had been purchased back in the 1930s by an influential German who loved American western novels and thought it would be nice to have an authentic western Native American relic.
The man kept it in his room where he imagined it caught his dreams.
Later the dream catcher was lost until the street vendor found it in a pile of rubble.
The KGB agent put away the dream catcher upon his return to Dresden and forgot all about it.
. . .
The former KGB agent returned to Moscow from Sochi where he had attended the opening ceremonies of the 2014 Winter Olympics.
He decided to open an old trunk he kept in his office- that contained various souvenirs he had collected over the years.
In the trunk, he came across the old and very ancient Dream Catcher he had purchased from the street vendor in East Berlin back in 1986.
He remembered the incident and the old street vendor.
He decided to hang the Dream Catcher in his bed room.
Maybe it would bring him great dreams after having attended the opening ceremonies in Sochi.
Thus the former KGB agent from Dresden hung in his bedroom the old Lakota Sioux dream catcher that had caught the dreams of that influential German who loved American Western novels and had purchased the item way back in the 1930s.
Vladimir Putin slept.
And the Dream Catcher that had caught the dreams of Adolf Hitler seem to come alive as the moonlight shone through the window.
-A short story
written by Christopher
Sunday May 11th
2014
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Renfield Interrogates A Member of Boko Haram
Renfield Interrogates A Member of Boko Haram
Inspector Depp of Scotland Yard had a very important prisoner down in the cell.
He was a member of the Boko Haram terrorist group who had been captured by British commandos in northeastern Nigeria.
The commandos captured the Islamist terrorist without help from members of the regular Nigerian military in the region (who were busy masturbating over watching American and Japanese porn films on their smart phones and tablets thanks to the help of a Google drone in the region providing high-flying wi-fi Internet access).
Inspector Depp's task was to get the prisoner to reveal the whereabouts of the over 250 kidnapped Nigerian schoolgirls.
Inspector Depp's knowledge and past experience had shown him that the best person to interrogate and extract information from total scumbags was none other than one Renfield R. Renfield who was the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
. . .
Renfield R. Renfield was delighted to get the call from Inspector Depp of Scotland Yard.
It had been a few months since he had last interrogated and tortured anybody.
He didn't want to lose his touch.
He was so happy about getting the call to interrogate somebody, he didn't even finish the tuna fish sandwich he was eating (Renfield had a severe addiction to eating tuna fish sandwiches).
Instead he put it in a paper bag, put a combination lock on the bag (so no one else could get at it) and put the bag in the refrigerator and then promptly closed the refrigerator door.
He then grabbed his tool kit of torture instruments and put on his hat and coat while whistling the song Whistle While You Work.
As he ran out the door, he almost knocked over the white evening dress wearing New Orleans Vampiress Angelique Dumont who was here to go on a Saturday night dinnerdate with Renfield's sole friend in the world Amadeus Emanon prior to her performing in a late evening performance of a new West London musical adaptation of the 1941 Lon Chaney Jr. movie The Wolfman in which she sang the role of Gwen Conliffe.
"Can't talk now," Renfield called out after her.
. . .
Renfield entered the cell where the Boko Haram prisoner sat.
Renfield slapped his tool kit down on the table and removed his instruments of torture while he continued to whistle the song Whistle While You Work.
The Boko Haram prisoner tried to look brave although his eyes kept growing wider each time Renfield removed an instrument from his tool box and kissed it.
"So," Renfield smiled a wide smile at the prisoner, "I hear you black guys have 9-inch penises. Might be the reason why Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling hates you guys so much."
The prisoner said nothing.
But smiled a big smile.
"Well," Renfield grinned, "if it's true, by the time I'm finished with you, you won't have a 9-inch penis anymore."
The prisoner stopped smiling.
. . .
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 10th
2014
Sent from my iPhone
Inspector Depp of Scotland Yard had a very important prisoner down in the cell.
He was a member of the Boko Haram terrorist group who had been captured by British commandos in northeastern Nigeria.
The commandos captured the Islamist terrorist without help from members of the regular Nigerian military in the region (who were busy masturbating over watching American and Japanese porn films on their smart phones and tablets thanks to the help of a Google drone in the region providing high-flying wi-fi Internet access).
Inspector Depp's task was to get the prisoner to reveal the whereabouts of the over 250 kidnapped Nigerian schoolgirls.
Inspector Depp's knowledge and past experience had shown him that the best person to interrogate and extract information from total scumbags was none other than one Renfield R. Renfield who was the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
. . .
Renfield R. Renfield was delighted to get the call from Inspector Depp of Scotland Yard.
It had been a few months since he had last interrogated and tortured anybody.
He didn't want to lose his touch.
He was so happy about getting the call to interrogate somebody, he didn't even finish the tuna fish sandwich he was eating (Renfield had a severe addiction to eating tuna fish sandwiches).
Instead he put it in a paper bag, put a combination lock on the bag (so no one else could get at it) and put the bag in the refrigerator and then promptly closed the refrigerator door.
He then grabbed his tool kit of torture instruments and put on his hat and coat while whistling the song Whistle While You Work.
As he ran out the door, he almost knocked over the white evening dress wearing New Orleans Vampiress Angelique Dumont who was here to go on a Saturday night dinnerdate with Renfield's sole friend in the world Amadeus Emanon prior to her performing in a late evening performance of a new West London musical adaptation of the 1941 Lon Chaney Jr. movie The Wolfman in which she sang the role of Gwen Conliffe.
"Can't talk now," Renfield called out after her.
. . .
Renfield entered the cell where the Boko Haram prisoner sat.
Renfield slapped his tool kit down on the table and removed his instruments of torture while he continued to whistle the song Whistle While You Work.
The Boko Haram prisoner tried to look brave although his eyes kept growing wider each time Renfield removed an instrument from his tool box and kissed it.
"So," Renfield smiled a wide smile at the prisoner, "I hear you black guys have 9-inch penises. Might be the reason why Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling hates you guys so much."
The prisoner said nothing.
But smiled a big smile.
"Well," Renfield grinned, "if it's true, by the time I'm finished with you, you won't have a 9-inch penis anymore."
The prisoner stopped smiling.
. . .
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 10th
2014
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, May 9, 2014
Diablos Nocturna and The New Atlantis
Diablos Nocturna and The New Atlantis
He was the man at Britain's Secret Intelligence Service's Foreign section MI-6 that was known only by his code name Diablos Nocturna.
Although he was not currently abroad from the United Kingdom like he usually was.
In fact he was in the delightful English Cotswolds town of Tewkesbury visiting an antiquarian book dealer who specialized in rare books.
Diablos Nocturna had been told what to look for in the bookshop by agents of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.
Diablos Nocturna had met the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec on numerous occasions.
Diablos Nocturna went to the bookshelf where he had been directed.
There on that shelf he found a rare original copy of the original printed edition of Sir Francis Bacon's The New Atlantis first published in 1627.
Even though the work was unfinished (Bacon having died on April 9th, 1626), his publishers thought it would be a good thing for posterity if the philosopher's utopian novel was published.
Diablos Nocturna went to Page 17 of the 46 page book as had been suggested by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.
There he found a handwritten note dated April 2nd 1626 (a week before Bacon died) that had been personally signed Francis Bacon, Baron Verulam and Viscount St. Alban.
The note read, When Russia has destroyed the New Atlantis, the old Atlantis shall arise in Europe like a Phoenix from the ashes and embers of the New Atlantis.
. . .
The note could be a forgery but knowing Qonzilqointec, she wouldn't have directed him to a forgery since she was aware that experts working for her enemies (i.e. the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis and her allies) would use all their tools at hand to test the document's authenticity should it be released into the public domain.
Diablos Nocturna purchased the book from the Tewkesbury antiquarian book dealer using his MI-6 Platinum Master Spy VISA Gold Card #007.
"Never seen one of these before," the antiquarian book dealer remarked as he checked the card.
"You probably won't see too many again in the future," Diablos Nocturna quipped, "for they are as rare as the books you sell."
. . .
When Diablos Nocturna returned to MI-6 Headquarters at Vauxhall Cross, London, he photographed the book, the cover and all its pages plus the handwritten note with Bacon's cryptic prophecy and emailed the photos to CIA Agent Bob Belfor at CIA Headquarters in Langley, Virginia.
He decided on Belfor because Qonzilqointec had informed Diablos of Belfor's attempt on her life at Cinco de Mayo festivities in Mexico City a few days ago.
He figured that Belfor then was probably one of the Egyptian Vampiress Isis' CIA puppets.
So a good person to send the info to.
Then sit and watch the fun begin.
. . .
Bob Belfor spit out his Subway sandwich and his glass of Coke all over his white shirt and tie as soon as he read Diablos Nocturna's message.
He immediately got in touch with his superiors.
Not his superiors at the agency or even in government but his superiors in the Masonic lodge to which he belonged.
. . .
Belfor contacted his lodge's Worshipful Master who contacted the Grand Master presiding over the Grand Lodge in the jurisdiction who then went up the Masonic ladder until the Grand Commander of the Supreme Council of the 33rd Degree of the Ancient and Accepted Scottish Rite of Freemasonry, Southern Jurisdiction in Washington DC was contacted.
. . .
United States President Barack Obama took the call.
It was the Grand Commander of the Supreme Council of the 33rd Degree of the Ancient and Accepted Rite of Freemasonry, Southern Jurisdiction in Washington DC calling.
On the television that was on while the President talked, the documentary program quoted a quote that Leon Trotsky had made in 1934, "When there's a United States of Europe, then there shall be a United States of the World."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 9th
2014
Sent from my iPhone
He was the man at Britain's Secret Intelligence Service's Foreign section MI-6 that was known only by his code name Diablos Nocturna.
Although he was not currently abroad from the United Kingdom like he usually was.
In fact he was in the delightful English Cotswolds town of Tewkesbury visiting an antiquarian book dealer who specialized in rare books.
Diablos Nocturna had been told what to look for in the bookshop by agents of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.
Diablos Nocturna had met the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec on numerous occasions.
Diablos Nocturna went to the bookshelf where he had been directed.
There on that shelf he found a rare original copy of the original printed edition of Sir Francis Bacon's The New Atlantis first published in 1627.
Even though the work was unfinished (Bacon having died on April 9th, 1626), his publishers thought it would be a good thing for posterity if the philosopher's utopian novel was published.
Diablos Nocturna went to Page 17 of the 46 page book as had been suggested by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.
There he found a handwritten note dated April 2nd 1626 (a week before Bacon died) that had been personally signed Francis Bacon, Baron Verulam and Viscount St. Alban.
The note read, When Russia has destroyed the New Atlantis, the old Atlantis shall arise in Europe like a Phoenix from the ashes and embers of the New Atlantis.
. . .
The note could be a forgery but knowing Qonzilqointec, she wouldn't have directed him to a forgery since she was aware that experts working for her enemies (i.e. the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis and her allies) would use all their tools at hand to test the document's authenticity should it be released into the public domain.
Diablos Nocturna purchased the book from the Tewkesbury antiquarian book dealer using his MI-6 Platinum Master Spy VISA Gold Card #007.
"Never seen one of these before," the antiquarian book dealer remarked as he checked the card.
"You probably won't see too many again in the future," Diablos Nocturna quipped, "for they are as rare as the books you sell."
. . .
When Diablos Nocturna returned to MI-6 Headquarters at Vauxhall Cross, London, he photographed the book, the cover and all its pages plus the handwritten note with Bacon's cryptic prophecy and emailed the photos to CIA Agent Bob Belfor at CIA Headquarters in Langley, Virginia.
He decided on Belfor because Qonzilqointec had informed Diablos of Belfor's attempt on her life at Cinco de Mayo festivities in Mexico City a few days ago.
He figured that Belfor then was probably one of the Egyptian Vampiress Isis' CIA puppets.
So a good person to send the info to.
Then sit and watch the fun begin.
. . .
Bob Belfor spit out his Subway sandwich and his glass of Coke all over his white shirt and tie as soon as he read Diablos Nocturna's message.
He immediately got in touch with his superiors.
Not his superiors at the agency or even in government but his superiors in the Masonic lodge to which he belonged.
. . .
Belfor contacted his lodge's Worshipful Master who contacted the Grand Master presiding over the Grand Lodge in the jurisdiction who then went up the Masonic ladder until the Grand Commander of the Supreme Council of the 33rd Degree of the Ancient and Accepted Scottish Rite of Freemasonry, Southern Jurisdiction in Washington DC was contacted.
. . .
United States President Barack Obama took the call.
It was the Grand Commander of the Supreme Council of the 33rd Degree of the Ancient and Accepted Rite of Freemasonry, Southern Jurisdiction in Washington DC calling.
On the television that was on while the President talked, the documentary program quoted a quote that Leon Trotsky had made in 1934, "When there's a United States of Europe, then there shall be a United States of the World."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 9th
2014
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Isis and Gen. Vulkan In Poland
Isis and Gen. Vulkan In Poland
The Egyptian Vampiress Isis was dressed like an Egyptian queen as she inspected NATO troops in Poland.
She wore a long flowing white dress, a necklace of diamonds, jade, rubies and sapphires, a diamond tiara adorned by a precious pearl at the top that was cut in the shape of a crescent moon, and silver embroidered spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes that had on each shoe a pure gold coin as round as the circumference of the sun and bearing the image and inscription of the ancient Roman deity Sol Invictus.
The NATO soldiers on the ground had no idea who this exotic looking strikingly beautiful woman was who was inspecting them and being led around in her inspection by German Gen. Wolfgang Vulkan.
The soldiers knew it couldn't be German Chancellor Angela Merkel as (mercifully for them) she looked nothing like the German Chancellor.
She looked like American singing superstar Rihanna.
Watching the spectacle and the inspection was the U.K. 's Secret Intelligence Service MI-6 Agent who was known only by his code name Diablos Nocturna.
Diablos Nocturna was pretty sure that the one- eyed German general showing Isis the troops was the ancient Norse vampire Odin worshipped as Odin by the Vikings and as Wotan by the ancient Germanic tribes.
"So Gen. Vulkan," Isis looked directly into the General's good-eye, "do you think we'll finally have a war against Russia?".
"That is my fondest hope, my lady," the general bowed to her, "as it is yours."
. . .
The Mossad agent they called the Controller of the Golem read the document that had been forwarded to him from Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.
It was a copy of a handwritten note sent to Mr. Netanyahu earlier this year by the Paris-based Egyptian billionairess Isis (whom rumour had it was a Vampiress) offering to help the Israeli government build a Third Jewish Temple on the Temple Mount provided they erected a statue to the ancient Egyptian god Osiris within the Temple.
. . .
MI-6 Agent Diablos Nocturna was engaged in a night of passionate lovemaking and steamy sex with the sexy and sultry Egyptian Vampiress Isis.
After sex, both of them put nicotine patches on their bodies to get the respective post-coital nicotine high while escaping the hazards of dying from lung cancer due to smoking cigarettes (although in Isis' case she needn't have worried since a wooden stake through the heart would be far more lethal than any cigarette).
As she inhaled the pretend non-existent cigarette in her mouth, she received a text message on her smart phone from Gen. Vulkan, Interesting developments on the ground in Ukraine. It's Brussels sprouts for the Valkyries.
Isis immediately stood up and got dressed.
Looking every inch an Egyptian queen, she adjusted her dress and announced, "I've got to get to NATO Headquarters in Brussels."
She left.
At that moment, Diablos Nocturna received a text message from the Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec in Mexico City.
He said with all the eloquence of a Tom Hanks character in a movie adaptation of a Dan Brown novel, "I've got to get me to an antiquarian book store in the Gloucestershire town of Tewkesbury."
. . .
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 8th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
The Egyptian Vampiress Isis was dressed like an Egyptian queen as she inspected NATO troops in Poland.
She wore a long flowing white dress, a necklace of diamonds, jade, rubies and sapphires, a diamond tiara adorned by a precious pearl at the top that was cut in the shape of a crescent moon, and silver embroidered spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes that had on each shoe a pure gold coin as round as the circumference of the sun and bearing the image and inscription of the ancient Roman deity Sol Invictus.
The NATO soldiers on the ground had no idea who this exotic looking strikingly beautiful woman was who was inspecting them and being led around in her inspection by German Gen. Wolfgang Vulkan.
The soldiers knew it couldn't be German Chancellor Angela Merkel as (mercifully for them) she looked nothing like the German Chancellor.
She looked like American singing superstar Rihanna.
Watching the spectacle and the inspection was the U.K. 's Secret Intelligence Service MI-6 Agent who was known only by his code name Diablos Nocturna.
Diablos Nocturna was pretty sure that the one- eyed German general showing Isis the troops was the ancient Norse vampire Odin worshipped as Odin by the Vikings and as Wotan by the ancient Germanic tribes.
"So Gen. Vulkan," Isis looked directly into the General's good-eye, "do you think we'll finally have a war against Russia?".
"That is my fondest hope, my lady," the general bowed to her, "as it is yours."
. . .
The Mossad agent they called the Controller of the Golem read the document that had been forwarded to him from Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.
It was a copy of a handwritten note sent to Mr. Netanyahu earlier this year by the Paris-based Egyptian billionairess Isis (whom rumour had it was a Vampiress) offering to help the Israeli government build a Third Jewish Temple on the Temple Mount provided they erected a statue to the ancient Egyptian god Osiris within the Temple.
. . .
MI-6 Agent Diablos Nocturna was engaged in a night of passionate lovemaking and steamy sex with the sexy and sultry Egyptian Vampiress Isis.
After sex, both of them put nicotine patches on their bodies to get the respective post-coital nicotine high while escaping the hazards of dying from lung cancer due to smoking cigarettes (although in Isis' case she needn't have worried since a wooden stake through the heart would be far more lethal than any cigarette).
As she inhaled the pretend non-existent cigarette in her mouth, she received a text message on her smart phone from Gen. Vulkan, Interesting developments on the ground in Ukraine. It's Brussels sprouts for the Valkyries.
Isis immediately stood up and got dressed.
Looking every inch an Egyptian queen, she adjusted her dress and announced, "I've got to get to NATO Headquarters in Brussels."
She left.
At that moment, Diablos Nocturna received a text message from the Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec in Mexico City.
He said with all the eloquence of a Tom Hanks character in a movie adaptation of a Dan Brown novel, "I've got to get me to an antiquarian book store in the Gloucestershire town of Tewkesbury."
. . .
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 8th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, May 5, 2014
Peter Whitstable On Cinqo de Mayo
Peter Whitstable On Cinco de Mayo
Peter Whitstable the man known as the Fox Mulder of Interpol stood in the streets of Mexico City.
He was observing Cinco de Mayo celebrations.
He was also here to protect the Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec from assassination.
Qonzilqointec's rival the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis was going all out to eliminate her rival.
And she thought she'd do it on this anniversary of the Battle of Puebla where the Mexican Army under the leadership of General Ignacio Saragoza Seguin had defeated the French forces of Emperor Napoleon III back in 1862.
Isis had been a staunch ally and supporter of Napoleon III (as she had been of his uncle Napoleon I) and had hoped to be able to rule the world through him.
But the Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec's support of Benito Juarez against Napoleon III's Hapsburg puppet the Emperor Maximilian of Mexico had upset Napoleon III's and Isis' plan for the Americas.
And later an upstart Prussian Chancellor named Otto von Bismarck upset Napoleon III's and Isis' plan for Europe.
Now Isis was going all out to destroy Qonzilqointec because the Aztec vampire princess was an ally of left-wing governments in Latin America such as Cuba and Nicaragua.
And of course Cuba and Nicaragua were allies of Russian President Vladimir Putin whom Isis had vowed to destroy after a Russian nuclear submarine had used a laser death ray to vapourize her husband/brother/lover Osiris' spaceship when he attempted to return to Earth on December 21st 2012 thus dashing her hopes as well as the hopes of adherents of Hopi and Aztec and Mayan prophecies and numerous fans of the Ancient Aliens and Nostradumus TV programs on The History Channel.
Isis in her grief had conveniently forgotten that the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec's spiritual godfather the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl had likewise had his returning spaceship vapourized into non-existence by the same laser death ray by the same Russian nuclear submarine on the same date.
Peter Whitstable looked around for signs of the assassin.
He noticed CIA Agent Bob
Belfor wearing dark sunglasses and a t-shirt that said Support The CIA. Buy Latin American Grown Cannabis.
Whitstable had heard that elements of the CIA were in alliance with the ancient Egyptian Vampiress Isis.
He happened to notice Belfor carrying a hawthorn stake- the kind used to kill vampires and vampiresses.
Whitstable put the Amazon jungle blow dart to his lips.
The dart contained not deadly poison but a tranquilizer with the same effects as a knockout pill dropped in a glass of alcohol.
As Belfor approached the dancing red dress wearing Aztec vampire princess who was dancing with a piñata that looked like Kermit The Frog, Whitstable blew the dart.
Belfor fell to the ground.
The dancing crowd just walked all over him.
Whitstable retreated to a nearby cantina to order himself a well- deserved tequila.
Qonzilqointec lived to dance another day (or night in the case of vampiresses).
And Belfor would wake up with a huge headache.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 5th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Peter Whitstable the man known as the Fox Mulder of Interpol stood in the streets of Mexico City.
He was observing Cinco de Mayo celebrations.
He was also here to protect the Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec from assassination.
Qonzilqointec's rival the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis was going all out to eliminate her rival.
And she thought she'd do it on this anniversary of the Battle of Puebla where the Mexican Army under the leadership of General Ignacio Saragoza Seguin had defeated the French forces of Emperor Napoleon III back in 1862.
Isis had been a staunch ally and supporter of Napoleon III (as she had been of his uncle Napoleon I) and had hoped to be able to rule the world through him.
But the Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec's support of Benito Juarez against Napoleon III's Hapsburg puppet the Emperor Maximilian of Mexico had upset Napoleon III's and Isis' plan for the Americas.
And later an upstart Prussian Chancellor named Otto von Bismarck upset Napoleon III's and Isis' plan for Europe.
Now Isis was going all out to destroy Qonzilqointec because the Aztec vampire princess was an ally of left-wing governments in Latin America such as Cuba and Nicaragua.
And of course Cuba and Nicaragua were allies of Russian President Vladimir Putin whom Isis had vowed to destroy after a Russian nuclear submarine had used a laser death ray to vapourize her husband/brother/lover Osiris' spaceship when he attempted to return to Earth on December 21st 2012 thus dashing her hopes as well as the hopes of adherents of Hopi and Aztec and Mayan prophecies and numerous fans of the Ancient Aliens and Nostradumus TV programs on The History Channel.
Isis in her grief had conveniently forgotten that the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec's spiritual godfather the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl had likewise had his returning spaceship vapourized into non-existence by the same laser death ray by the same Russian nuclear submarine on the same date.
Peter Whitstable looked around for signs of the assassin.
He noticed CIA Agent Bob
Belfor wearing dark sunglasses and a t-shirt that said Support The CIA. Buy Latin American Grown Cannabis.
Whitstable had heard that elements of the CIA were in alliance with the ancient Egyptian Vampiress Isis.
He happened to notice Belfor carrying a hawthorn stake- the kind used to kill vampires and vampiresses.
Whitstable put the Amazon jungle blow dart to his lips.
The dart contained not deadly poison but a tranquilizer with the same effects as a knockout pill dropped in a glass of alcohol.
As Belfor approached the dancing red dress wearing Aztec vampire princess who was dancing with a piñata that looked like Kermit The Frog, Whitstable blew the dart.
Belfor fell to the ground.
The dancing crowd just walked all over him.
Whitstable retreated to a nearby cantina to order himself a well- deserved tequila.
Qonzilqointec lived to dance another day (or night in the case of vampiresses).
And Belfor would wake up with a huge headache.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 5th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Dateline: Berlin
Dateline: Berlin
Russian President Vladimir Putin was pleased to visit an FSB interrogation room.
For one of his top FSB agents the Russian Vampiress Svetlana Kireeva had finally captured the Ukrainian Intelligence Service's top agent the Ukrainian Vampiress Inna Huculak.
Mr. Putin noticed that the blonde Vampiress Miss Huculak was wearing a ripped and torn cream coloured Gucci evening dress.
He then happened to notice that the brunette Vampiress Miss Kireeva was wearing the same cream coloured Gucci evening dress.
He deduced that Miss Kireeva had no doubt ripped and torn Miss Huculak's dress for wearing the same outfit as she.
Svetlana was no doubt furious that she had been caught undead wearing the exact same dress as another woman.
. . .
The agent for the Portuguese Intelligence Service caught the midnight flight from Lisbon to Berlin.
He was carrying a secret message of a highly delicate nature- so delicate that his superiors decided to send him to Berlin to rendezvous with another agent in person (like in the good old pre-digital days of the Cold War) rather than risk sending it over the Net or some other form of electronic communication where it might be picked up by some highly sophisticated electronic eavesdropping system.
The Portuguese agent was to meet the Israeli Mossad agent by the last remaining portion of the Berlin Wall which served as a memorial to those terrible days at the height of the Cold War when Berlin was a divided city.
The two agents would identify one another with the line, "Please sir, I want some more" to which the other would respond, "What the dickens do you mean?".
The Portuguese agent saw the man standing alongside the Berlin Wall reading a copy of Oliver Twist.
The Portuguese agent walked over and said, "Please sir, I want some more."
The other man responded, "What the dickens do you mean?".
Both men were gunned down by machine gun fire.
"Look Martha," an American tourist pointed out to his wife on the late night tour bus, "they're role playing a cross-over escape from east to west."
"Yeah, that looks like real blood too,"
his wife applied dark rouge lipstick to her lips.
The 'pro-Russian militia man' walked over to the body of the Portuguese agent and removed the message from inside the dead man's vest.
As he walked away, the all-night tour bus was playing on the radio a local Berlin radio talk show where Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov had phoned in to say that he categorically denied that there were any Russian soldiers operating in Berlin these days.
. . .
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 4th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Russian President Vladimir Putin was pleased to visit an FSB interrogation room.
For one of his top FSB agents the Russian Vampiress Svetlana Kireeva had finally captured the Ukrainian Intelligence Service's top agent the Ukrainian Vampiress Inna Huculak.
Mr. Putin noticed that the blonde Vampiress Miss Huculak was wearing a ripped and torn cream coloured Gucci evening dress.
He then happened to notice that the brunette Vampiress Miss Kireeva was wearing the same cream coloured Gucci evening dress.
He deduced that Miss Kireeva had no doubt ripped and torn Miss Huculak's dress for wearing the same outfit as she.
Svetlana was no doubt furious that she had been caught undead wearing the exact same dress as another woman.
. . .
The agent for the Portuguese Intelligence Service caught the midnight flight from Lisbon to Berlin.
He was carrying a secret message of a highly delicate nature- so delicate that his superiors decided to send him to Berlin to rendezvous with another agent in person (like in the good old pre-digital days of the Cold War) rather than risk sending it over the Net or some other form of electronic communication where it might be picked up by some highly sophisticated electronic eavesdropping system.
The Portuguese agent was to meet the Israeli Mossad agent by the last remaining portion of the Berlin Wall which served as a memorial to those terrible days at the height of the Cold War when Berlin was a divided city.
The two agents would identify one another with the line, "Please sir, I want some more" to which the other would respond, "What the dickens do you mean?".
The Portuguese agent saw the man standing alongside the Berlin Wall reading a copy of Oliver Twist.
The Portuguese agent walked over and said, "Please sir, I want some more."
The other man responded, "What the dickens do you mean?".
Both men were gunned down by machine gun fire.
"Look Martha," an American tourist pointed out to his wife on the late night tour bus, "they're role playing a cross-over escape from east to west."
"Yeah, that looks like real blood too,"
his wife applied dark rouge lipstick to her lips.
The 'pro-Russian militia man' walked over to the body of the Portuguese agent and removed the message from inside the dead man's vest.
As he walked away, the all-night tour bus was playing on the radio a local Berlin radio talk show where Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov had phoned in to say that he categorically denied that there were any Russian soldiers operating in Berlin these days.
. . .
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 4th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
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