Pan Goatee On Ice
Serial killer and hired U.S. government assassin Pan Goatee was on ice.
Quite literally on ice.
The genetically created half-man half-goat satyr got frozen in a fierce Washington D.C. snowstorm that had hit the city 2 weeks ago today.
He was immediately rushed to a DARPA lab where DARPA's best scientists were still trying to thaw him out.
Pan Goatee was considered the U.S. government's most important hired assassin since he had the ability to astral project himself and also kill people with his astral body using a Star Wars laser like astral machete.
Prior to his Deep Freeze, he had been experimenting with killing using astral body sub-machine guns.
Now orders had come down that Pan Goatee should astral project to Crimea and see how many Russians he could singlehandedly kill as a covert solution to the crisis in Ukraine.
Hence the need for the immediate thawing of Pan Goatee or as one executive in the CIA put it, "A post-Cold War solution for a hot conflict."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 27th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Renfield Leaves Paris
Renfield Leaves Paris
Renfield R. Renfield had a whirlwind past few days.
Last Saturday, Renfield had received a Presidential pardon from French President Francois Hollande for a crime he had committed.
The crime was cutting off a man's ear.
The man it turned out was the most unpopular judge on the Parisienne Idol talent show.
Every singer that was first on his list was always last on every other judge's list.
And every singer in last place on his list was always first on every other judge's list.
So when Renfield was released from jail last Saturday, he received loud cheers and a hero's welcome from crowds waiting outside the jail.
He was given free accommodation at the Westin Paris Vendome Hotel.
On Sunday, he was presented with keys to the City by the Mayor of Paris.
On Monday, members of the French National Assembly passed a motion that Renfield be awarded the French Legion of Honour Medal.
On Monday evening, the judge wearing a bandage on one side of his head gave results on the show that this time were about half-way in line with the thinking of the audience and the other judges.
On Tuesday evening, Renfield enjoyed an All Expenses Paid evening at the Paris Opera House.
When he returned to his hotel, a beautiful young woman from Normandy whom he had met once before (under less auspicious circumstances) was standing there dressed in Parisienne lingerie and black silk nylon stockings and black spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes and carrying a Geiger counter.
She offered to sleep with him.
Renfield took her up on her offer.
Today Wednesday February 26th as he boarded the plane to return home to London, he received a military band send-off and a 21 gun salute from the French Army.
Renfield waved and blew kisses to the crowd before boarding the plane.
. . .
As Amadeus Emanon and Athelstan the butler and valet to billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set watched this whole spectacle unfold on BBC World News on television, Athelstan remarked to Amadeus, "It would appear sir that Mr. Renfield is the type of individual who could fall down an outhouse and come up smelling like a rose."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 26th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Renfield R. Renfield had a whirlwind past few days.
Last Saturday, Renfield had received a Presidential pardon from French President Francois Hollande for a crime he had committed.
The crime was cutting off a man's ear.
The man it turned out was the most unpopular judge on the Parisienne Idol talent show.
Every singer that was first on his list was always last on every other judge's list.
And every singer in last place on his list was always first on every other judge's list.
So when Renfield was released from jail last Saturday, he received loud cheers and a hero's welcome from crowds waiting outside the jail.
He was given free accommodation at the Westin Paris Vendome Hotel.
On Sunday, he was presented with keys to the City by the Mayor of Paris.
On Monday, members of the French National Assembly passed a motion that Renfield be awarded the French Legion of Honour Medal.
On Monday evening, the judge wearing a bandage on one side of his head gave results on the show that this time were about half-way in line with the thinking of the audience and the other judges.
On Tuesday evening, Renfield enjoyed an All Expenses Paid evening at the Paris Opera House.
When he returned to his hotel, a beautiful young woman from Normandy whom he had met once before (under less auspicious circumstances) was standing there dressed in Parisienne lingerie and black silk nylon stockings and black spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes and carrying a Geiger counter.
She offered to sleep with him.
Renfield took her up on her offer.
Today Wednesday February 26th as he boarded the plane to return home to London, he received a military band send-off and a 21 gun salute from the French Army.
Renfield waved and blew kisses to the crowd before boarding the plane.
. . .
As Amadeus Emanon and Athelstan the butler and valet to billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set watched this whole spectacle unfold on BBC World News on television, Athelstan remarked to Amadeus, "It would appear sir that Mr. Renfield is the type of individual who could fall down an outhouse and come up smelling like a rose."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 26th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, February 21, 2014
Amadeus Receives A Phone Call From Renfield
Amadeus Receives A Phone Call From Renfield
Amadeus Emanon was sitting in the study of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's colossal London mansion.
The phone rang.
Amadeus picked it up.
It was Renfield calling from a jail in Paris as a French version of the old Elvis Presley song Jailhouse Rock played in the background.
"Amadeus," said Renfield, "you know how to operate my iMac desktop don't you?".
"Yes," Amadeus went over to Renfield's desk in the study.
"Turn it on and go over to Photos in my desktop screen, " Renfield said, "and type in search the keyword PoodleKraut."
Amadeus did as Renfield requested.
"Okay open up all those photos that are under that heading," Renfield directed.
Amadeus did so.
He then gasped.
"Okay," Renfield's smile seemed to come through his phone voice, "you should now be looking at a bunch of highly compromising and very embarrassing photos of French President Francois Hollande in various unusual positions with German Chancellor Angela Merkel amidst much French champagne and German Wiener Schnitzel on a bed in a mirror ceilinged bedroom."
"I see them," Amadeus said as his long-lasting childhood innocence was rapidly coming to a close by gazing at these photos.
"Okay, now I want you to email those photos to French President Francois Hollande's personal email address," Renfield gave him the address, "with the written instructions that unless he President Hollande grants an immediate Presidential pardon to one Renfield R. Renfield of the United Kingdom and has him released from jail immediately, those photos will be emailed to every newspaper in France within the next 24 hours. Got all that?".
"Yes," said Amadeus.
"Then do it," Renfield ordered.
Amadeus said he would. He then put down the phone and went to the washroom where he lost his lunch (a direct result of viewing those photos) before proceeding with Renfield's instructions.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 21st
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Amadeus Emanon was sitting in the study of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's colossal London mansion.
The phone rang.
Amadeus picked it up.
It was Renfield calling from a jail in Paris as a French version of the old Elvis Presley song Jailhouse Rock played in the background.
"Amadeus," said Renfield, "you know how to operate my iMac desktop don't you?".
"Yes," Amadeus went over to Renfield's desk in the study.
"Turn it on and go over to Photos in my desktop screen, " Renfield said, "and type in search the keyword PoodleKraut."
Amadeus did as Renfield requested.
"Okay open up all those photos that are under that heading," Renfield directed.
Amadeus did so.
He then gasped.
"Okay," Renfield's smile seemed to come through his phone voice, "you should now be looking at a bunch of highly compromising and very embarrassing photos of French President Francois Hollande in various unusual positions with German Chancellor Angela Merkel amidst much French champagne and German Wiener Schnitzel on a bed in a mirror ceilinged bedroom."
"I see them," Amadeus said as his long-lasting childhood innocence was rapidly coming to a close by gazing at these photos.
"Okay, now I want you to email those photos to French President Francois Hollande's personal email address," Renfield gave him the address, "with the written instructions that unless he President Hollande grants an immediate Presidential pardon to one Renfield R. Renfield of the United Kingdom and has him released from jail immediately, those photos will be emailed to every newspaper in France within the next 24 hours. Got all that?".
"Yes," said Amadeus.
"Then do it," Renfield ordered.
Amadeus said he would. He then put down the phone and went to the washroom where he lost his lunch (a direct result of viewing those photos) before proceeding with Renfield's instructions.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 21st
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Where's Renfield When You Really Need Him?
Where's Renfield When You Really Need Him?
Dr. Cadbury Rocher scratched his head and some more dandruff fell out.
Damn! he thought.
Maybe he should start using that American brand Head and Shoulders shampoo instead of that expensive French shampoo that smelled like lavender robed in the blooming garb of spring which his wife bought for him in upscale downtown London hair salons on the recommendation of male hairstylists who did perpetual Truman Capote voice impersonations.
Back to the matter at hand.
He had intercepted two Italian secret service agents Giuseppe and Antonio last night who were trying to steal DNA samples from the Set Enterprises Laboratories lab.
But he had no idea how to interrogate them.
Renfield R. Renfield who was the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises was in France where he had been swept away by the gale force rain and wind storms that had been attacking Britain this past winter.
He was now in Paris living out the lives of various great artists who had lived in that city.
Last night he had been Toulouse-Lautrec.
Today he was Vincent Van Gogh.
Feeling a bit squeamish about cutting off his own ear, Renfield decided to cut off the ear of someone else instead.
He was now in a Paris courtroom facing charges of aggravated assault.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 20th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Dr. Cadbury Rocher scratched his head and some more dandruff fell out.
Damn! he thought.
Maybe he should start using that American brand Head and Shoulders shampoo instead of that expensive French shampoo that smelled like lavender robed in the blooming garb of spring which his wife bought for him in upscale downtown London hair salons on the recommendation of male hairstylists who did perpetual Truman Capote voice impersonations.
Back to the matter at hand.
He had intercepted two Italian secret service agents Giuseppe and Antonio last night who were trying to steal DNA samples from the Set Enterprises Laboratories lab.
But he had no idea how to interrogate them.
Renfield R. Renfield who was the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises was in France where he had been swept away by the gale force rain and wind storms that had been attacking Britain this past winter.
He was now in Paris living out the lives of various great artists who had lived in that city.
Last night he had been Toulouse-Lautrec.
Today he was Vincent Van Gogh.
Feeling a bit squeamish about cutting off his own ear, Renfield decided to cut off the ear of someone else instead.
He was now in a Paris courtroom facing charges of aggravated assault.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 20th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Renfield On The Champs-Élysées In Paris
Renfield On The Champs-Élysées In Paris
Having worked his way from the beaches of Normandy where he had landed in France, Renfield R. Renfield was now sitting in a cafe along the Champs-Élysées drinking cafe au lait and having oral surgery performed on a certain part of his anatomy by a tres belle Madame de le soir as he attempted to sketch a Toulouse-Lautrec like drawing of Parisienne nightlife sur la table.
Just then his iPhone went off at about the same time as he did.
It was Dr. Cadbury Rocher (the chief sanity challenged scientist at his boss' Set Enterprises Laboratories) calling.
Apparently Julius the genetic hybrid T-Rex giraffe (he was mainly giraffe but he had a touch of prehistoric T-Rex dinosaur DNA which gave him ferocious razor like teeth) who was Set Enterprises Laboratories' chief watch "dog" and security guard had screwed up badly on the job last night in a highly embarrassing incident involving Nabisco Barnum's Animal Crackers.
Renfield went ballistic when Dr. Rocher explained what happened.
"You can tell that crazy giraffe who's a walking advertisement for the benefits of prehistoric dentistry that if he ever pulls a stunt like that again," Renfield foamed, "I'm going to send him to a Danish zoo."
A ferocious roar that could be heard in the background suddenly turned into a whimper when Renfield shouted those last words into the phone.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 19th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Having worked his way from the beaches of Normandy where he had landed in France, Renfield R. Renfield was now sitting in a cafe along the Champs-Élysées drinking cafe au lait and having oral surgery performed on a certain part of his anatomy by a tres belle Madame de le soir as he attempted to sketch a Toulouse-Lautrec like drawing of Parisienne nightlife sur la table.
Just then his iPhone went off at about the same time as he did.
It was Dr. Cadbury Rocher (the chief sanity challenged scientist at his boss' Set Enterprises Laboratories) calling.
Apparently Julius the genetic hybrid T-Rex giraffe (he was mainly giraffe but he had a touch of prehistoric T-Rex dinosaur DNA which gave him ferocious razor like teeth) who was Set Enterprises Laboratories' chief watch "dog" and security guard had screwed up badly on the job last night in a highly embarrassing incident involving Nabisco Barnum's Animal Crackers.
Renfield went ballistic when Dr. Rocher explained what happened.
"You can tell that crazy giraffe who's a walking advertisement for the benefits of prehistoric dentistry that if he ever pulls a stunt like that again," Renfield foamed, "I'm going to send him to a Danish zoo."
A ferocious roar that could be heard in the background suddenly turned into a whimper when Renfield shouted those last words into the phone.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 19th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Renfield's Attempted Post-Valentine's Day Invasion of Normandy
Renfield's Attempted Post-Valentine's Day Invasion of Normandy
"Monsieur, Monsieur, are you all right?" the beautiful blonde French woman in the long flowing peasant dress shook Renfield as he lay on the beach.
"Where am I?" Renfield asked as he came to.
"The beaches of Normandy, Monsieur," the French woman replied.
"Good God," the Nietzschean inclined atheist shapeshifting hamster/human exclaimed blasphemously from his philosophical viewpoint, "that typhoon must have swept me from the boss' mansion down to the River Thames and then down the River Thames to the English Channel and then across the English Channel to the beaches of Normandy."
"I suppose, Monsieur," the French woman gently caressed his head.
"And so, like the Allied Forces 70 years ago this year, I have landed on the beaches of Normandy," Renfield got to his feet with some help from the beautiful French woman.
"Yes, Monsieur," the French woman replied.
"Do you need to be liberated, Mademoiselle?" Renfield asked the French girl.
"Liberated from what, Monsieur?" the French girl asked.
"From your virginity perhaps?" Renfield grinned.
The French girl hit him over the head with her Geiger counter and then continued down the beach.
"Just thought I'd ask," Renfield called out after her as he once again lay on the sands of the beaches of Normandy.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday February 15th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
"Monsieur, Monsieur, are you all right?" the beautiful blonde French woman in the long flowing peasant dress shook Renfield as he lay on the beach.
"Where am I?" Renfield asked as he came to.
"The beaches of Normandy, Monsieur," the French woman replied.
"Good God," the Nietzschean inclined atheist shapeshifting hamster/human exclaimed blasphemously from his philosophical viewpoint, "that typhoon must have swept me from the boss' mansion down to the River Thames and then down the River Thames to the English Channel and then across the English Channel to the beaches of Normandy."
"I suppose, Monsieur," the French woman gently caressed his head.
"And so, like the Allied Forces 70 years ago this year, I have landed on the beaches of Normandy," Renfield got to his feet with some help from the beautiful French woman.
"Yes, Monsieur," the French woman replied.
"Do you need to be liberated, Mademoiselle?" Renfield asked the French girl.
"Liberated from what, Monsieur?" the French girl asked.
"From your virginity perhaps?" Renfield grinned.
The French girl hit him over the head with her Geiger counter and then continued down the beach.
"Just thought I'd ask," Renfield called out after her as he once again lay on the sands of the beaches of Normandy.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday February 15th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Weird Weather All Over The World
Weird Weather All Over The World
Pan Goatee was walking down the streets of Washington DC reading a book on Renaissance art that he had recently purchased at the Smithsonian Bookshop when suddenly a foot of snow fell on top of him.
"Oh shit," Pan said to himself.
He was too frozen to be able to concentrate to astral project his astral self to go for help.
. . .
The ancient Middle Eastern god Moloch was too busy smiling to care what the weather was like in Brussels.
The Belgian Parliament had just passed a law legalizing euthanasia for children.
The fierce-looking god walked the streets of Brussels singing the lyrics of that old Louis Armstrong song, "And I think to myself what a wonderful world..."
. . .
Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley tired of constantly turning into a werewolf on the streets of London not to mention his howlingly successful colossal failures in the field of international diplomacy decided to give himself a much needed rest by doing a little ice fishing in the streams of his native Wales.
As he reeled in plenty of ice but little fish on his rod, the lycanthropic Marxist inclined far Leftist parliamentarian was suddenly hit by a hurricane force wind that came at him out of right field.
As Magog blew down the stream, he said aloud, "I think this is how Sherlock Holmes met his end in the Conan Doyle story The Final Problem wasn't it?".
"Not at all," a Welsh shepherd calmly smoking his pipe against a tree remarked as Magog blew by, "that happened at Reichenbach Falls in the northern Swiss Alps not a stream in Wales. And he died- only to return again in The Return of Sherlock Holmes- while battling the evil Prof. Moriarty not stupidly being out in weather that neither man nor beast should be out in."
. . .
Renfield R. Renfield was about to head out the door of his home which was his employer the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's colossal London mansion when Amadeus Emanon his co-employee asked him, "Aren't you afraid to go out in this weather with all the weather warnings that the Weather Office has issued?".
"Not at all," the shapeshifting hamster/human guffawed with glamorous glee, "that nasty weather isn't going to hit London."
No sooner had Renfield stepped outside and closed the door behind him, he was then immediately hit by a full-scale typhoon.
"Holy shit," Renfield cried out before being swept away.
"Do you suppose Renfield is having a bowel movement in Holy Water?" Amadeus asked Set's butler and valet Athelstan after he heard Renfield's cry.
. . .
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 13th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Pan Goatee was walking down the streets of Washington DC reading a book on Renaissance art that he had recently purchased at the Smithsonian Bookshop when suddenly a foot of snow fell on top of him.
"Oh shit," Pan said to himself.
He was too frozen to be able to concentrate to astral project his astral self to go for help.
. . .
The ancient Middle Eastern god Moloch was too busy smiling to care what the weather was like in Brussels.
The Belgian Parliament had just passed a law legalizing euthanasia for children.
The fierce-looking god walked the streets of Brussels singing the lyrics of that old Louis Armstrong song, "And I think to myself what a wonderful world..."
. . .
Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley tired of constantly turning into a werewolf on the streets of London not to mention his howlingly successful colossal failures in the field of international diplomacy decided to give himself a much needed rest by doing a little ice fishing in the streams of his native Wales.
As he reeled in plenty of ice but little fish on his rod, the lycanthropic Marxist inclined far Leftist parliamentarian was suddenly hit by a hurricane force wind that came at him out of right field.
As Magog blew down the stream, he said aloud, "I think this is how Sherlock Holmes met his end in the Conan Doyle story The Final Problem wasn't it?".
"Not at all," a Welsh shepherd calmly smoking his pipe against a tree remarked as Magog blew by, "that happened at Reichenbach Falls in the northern Swiss Alps not a stream in Wales. And he died- only to return again in The Return of Sherlock Holmes- while battling the evil Prof. Moriarty not stupidly being out in weather that neither man nor beast should be out in."
. . .
Renfield R. Renfield was about to head out the door of his home which was his employer the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's colossal London mansion when Amadeus Emanon his co-employee asked him, "Aren't you afraid to go out in this weather with all the weather warnings that the Weather Office has issued?".
"Not at all," the shapeshifting hamster/human guffawed with glamorous glee, "that nasty weather isn't going to hit London."
No sooner had Renfield stepped outside and closed the door behind him, he was then immediately hit by a full-scale typhoon.
"Holy shit," Renfield cried out before being swept away.
"Do you suppose Renfield is having a bowel movement in Holy Water?" Amadeus asked Set's butler and valet Athelstan after he heard Renfield's cry.
. . .
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 13th
2014.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Renfield and Amadeus Listen To BBC World News On The Radio
Renfield and Amadeus Listen To BBC World News On The Radio
As Renfield entered the library, he noticed that Amadeus was crying bucket loads of tears into his unspilled glass of milk.
The BBC World News was talking about the red storm warning that the British Meteorological Office had just issued.
Renfield looked out the window and noticed their next door neighbour was busy building an ark.
"What are you sniveling about?" Renfield finally asked the crying Amadeus.
"Shirley Temple dying," Amadeus sobbed.
"Well she lived to a good age," Renfield said, "she was 85."
"She was 85?" Amadeus blinked, "Wow. Did she ever look young for her age."
"All of those movies you have of her on DVD were made back in the 1930s when she was only a little girl," Renfield explained.
"Oh," said Amadeus.
A lightbulb went on over Amadeus' head as Renfield turned on a lamp behind Amadeus' chair.
On the BBC World News, a commentator was commentating, "And so U.S. President Barack Obama has spent the past couple of days snuggling up to French poodle Francois Hollande in an effort to improve U.S.-French ties. As the Emperor Napoleon and the 1960s American pop culture novelist Jacqueline Susann might put it, "Every night, Josephine..."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 12th
2014
Sent from my iPhone
As Renfield entered the library, he noticed that Amadeus was crying bucket loads of tears into his unspilled glass of milk.
The BBC World News was talking about the red storm warning that the British Meteorological Office had just issued.
Renfield looked out the window and noticed their next door neighbour was busy building an ark.
"What are you sniveling about?" Renfield finally asked the crying Amadeus.
"Shirley Temple dying," Amadeus sobbed.
"Well she lived to a good age," Renfield said, "she was 85."
"She was 85?" Amadeus blinked, "Wow. Did she ever look young for her age."
"All of those movies you have of her on DVD were made back in the 1930s when she was only a little girl," Renfield explained.
"Oh," said Amadeus.
A lightbulb went on over Amadeus' head as Renfield turned on a lamp behind Amadeus' chair.
On the BBC World News, a commentator was commentating, "And so U.S. President Barack Obama has spent the past couple of days snuggling up to French poodle Francois Hollande in an effort to improve U.S.-French ties. As the Emperor Napoleon and the 1960s American pop culture novelist Jacqueline Susann might put it, "Every night, Josephine..."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 12th
2014
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, February 10, 2014
Fountain of Blood
Fountain of Blood
It was a fountain in a part of Rome
it was not a famous fountain like the Fountain of Trevi
But it was a pretty fountain
an angelic little cherub on top of the fountain
shooting an arrow like Cupid
And from the point of the arrow
water sprayed forth
the waters of love one might say
But on this February day
When normally no water sprayed
Because of the icy cold temperature
A flowing liquid shot forth nevertheless
But the liquid was the colour of blood
Because... it was blood
And at night...
blood drinking creatures of the night came to drink.
-A vampire novel chapter
in the form of a poem
written by Christopher
Monday February 10th
2014.
It was a fountain in a part of Rome
it was not a famous fountain like the Fountain of Trevi
But it was a pretty fountain
an angelic little cherub on top of the fountain
shooting an arrow like Cupid
And from the point of the arrow
water sprayed forth
the waters of love one might say
But on this February day
When normally no water sprayed
Because of the icy cold temperature
A flowing liquid shot forth nevertheless
But the liquid was the colour of blood
Because... it was blood
And at night...
blood drinking creatures of the night came to drink.
-A vampire novel chapter
in the form of a poem
written by Christopher
Monday February 10th
2014.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Winter Olympics Open In Sochi and More Fallout Over Kiev
Winter Olympics Open In Sochi and More Fallout Over Kiev
Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were watching the highlights of the Opening Ceremony of the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi on BBC World News.
"Say," Amadeus asked between munches of hot buttered popcorn, "isn't that the Norse vampire Odin and the Norse vampire Thor walking on one side of the stadium and the Norse vampire Loki and the Norse wolf Fenrir walking on the other?".
Renfield looked up from the book he was reading by early 20th Century Italian Marxist theoretician Antonio Gramsci and glanced at the screen, "Yes, I believe it is."
The scene then switched to Bosnia-Herzegovina where anti- government protests had turned violent.
"Say isn't that the Ancient Greek vampire Ares in the crowd eating a Mars bar?" Amadeus asked between sips from a bottle of Coca-Cola whose ingredients were listed in the Spanish language (which no doubt would have offended a U.S. Republican Congressman of the Tea Party variety).
"I believe so," Renfield looked up from his iPhone where he was checking French President Francois Hollande's Facebook status that read "I did not have sexual relations with that woman..." although he had written it in French.
As a comment below the status, someone had posted a photo of a cartoon caricature of Francois Hollande looking like an extended nose Pinocchio.
On the darkened streets of Sarajevo at night, the BBC News cameras showed the ghost of an assassinated Austrian Archduke walking around saying, "I am the ghost of Franz Ferdinand doomed these past one hundred years to walk the night..."
BBC World News then showed the streets of Kiev where the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith was walking around hitting Ukrainian policemen on the head with a smart phone shaped spiked stiletto high-heeled shoe while a Ukrainian protestor whistled the theme song from the old 1960s American TV series Get Smart.
"I wonder what Lilith is doing in Kiev?" Amadeus asked as he reached into a bucket of chicken wings
"Maybe looking for a good recipe for Chicken Kiev," Renfield responded while glancing through a biography of Neville Chamberlain.
The BBC News then showed a video of German Chancellor Angela Merkel looking apoplectic while blasting the United States for a derogatory remark that U.S. Assistant Secretary of State Victoria Nuland had made about the EU in a phone conversation with the U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine.
"F--- the EU," the bugged recording of the conversation had Victoria Nuland saying.
As Renfield flipped through the pages of a book called The Role of The Kama Sutra in Geopolitics and International Relations, Amadeus asked him, "Who do you suppose is responsible for bugging that phone conversation between Assistant Secretary of State Nuland and the U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine?".
Renfield a renowned hacker, wiretapper and eavesdropper in his own right grinned but said nothing.
Outside the window of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's estate, a colossal raven sat in the branches of a giant oak tree and looking in and eavesdropping on Amadeus and Renfield started to crow, "It's all a Jewish conspiracy. It's all a Jewish conspiracy."
The raven raised its right claw on which it had a black swastika decorated armband.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 7th
2014
Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were watching the highlights of the Opening Ceremony of the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi on BBC World News.
"Say," Amadeus asked between munches of hot buttered popcorn, "isn't that the Norse vampire Odin and the Norse vampire Thor walking on one side of the stadium and the Norse vampire Loki and the Norse wolf Fenrir walking on the other?".
Renfield looked up from the book he was reading by early 20th Century Italian Marxist theoretician Antonio Gramsci and glanced at the screen, "Yes, I believe it is."
The scene then switched to Bosnia-Herzegovina where anti- government protests had turned violent.
"Say isn't that the Ancient Greek vampire Ares in the crowd eating a Mars bar?" Amadeus asked between sips from a bottle of Coca-Cola whose ingredients were listed in the Spanish language (which no doubt would have offended a U.S. Republican Congressman of the Tea Party variety).
"I believe so," Renfield looked up from his iPhone where he was checking French President Francois Hollande's Facebook status that read "I did not have sexual relations with that woman..." although he had written it in French.
As a comment below the status, someone had posted a photo of a cartoon caricature of Francois Hollande looking like an extended nose Pinocchio.
On the darkened streets of Sarajevo at night, the BBC News cameras showed the ghost of an assassinated Austrian Archduke walking around saying, "I am the ghost of Franz Ferdinand doomed these past one hundred years to walk the night..."
BBC World News then showed the streets of Kiev where the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith was walking around hitting Ukrainian policemen on the head with a smart phone shaped spiked stiletto high-heeled shoe while a Ukrainian protestor whistled the theme song from the old 1960s American TV series Get Smart.
"I wonder what Lilith is doing in Kiev?" Amadeus asked as he reached into a bucket of chicken wings
"Maybe looking for a good recipe for Chicken Kiev," Renfield responded while glancing through a biography of Neville Chamberlain.
The BBC News then showed a video of German Chancellor Angela Merkel looking apoplectic while blasting the United States for a derogatory remark that U.S. Assistant Secretary of State Victoria Nuland had made about the EU in a phone conversation with the U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine.
"F--- the EU," the bugged recording of the conversation had Victoria Nuland saying.
As Renfield flipped through the pages of a book called The Role of The Kama Sutra in Geopolitics and International Relations, Amadeus asked him, "Who do you suppose is responsible for bugging that phone conversation between Assistant Secretary of State Nuland and the U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine?".
Renfield a renowned hacker, wiretapper and eavesdropper in his own right grinned but said nothing.
Outside the window of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's estate, a colossal raven sat in the branches of a giant oak tree and looking in and eavesdropping on Amadeus and Renfield started to crow, "It's all a Jewish conspiracy. It's all a Jewish conspiracy."
The raven raised its right claw on which it had a black swastika decorated armband.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 7th
2014
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Pan Goatee Invited To The White House
Pan Goatee Invited To The White House
Serial killer and U.S. government hired assassin Pan Goatee had been invited to the White House.
He wasn't sure who he was meeting with there but he had the feeling it was with the Big Chief himself.
Pan Goatee pressed the elevator button.
The elevator showed up at his floor.
He was about to get in when suddenly an ugly looking woman got out.
What the fuck?!-
How dare an ugly looking woman get off just as he was about to get on?
He pulled out his gun and shot her several times making sure that she was dead.
He headed to the stairwell.
Damn!
Now he would have to start using the stairwell until such time as he spotted a beautiful looking woman enter or exit the elevator that would dispel the curse that now hung over the elevator as a result of an ugly looking woman riding in it.
Pan Goatee then walked to one of his favourite restaurants where he would have lunch prior to visiting the White House.
As he entered the restaurant...
...what the fuck?...
... an old bat senior citizen in a walker was sitting at his favourite table.
So Pan Goatee pulled out his gun and shot her several times making sure she was dead.
He then threw her body and walker out the door into the street.
This semi-automatic he bought at a smiley face price Roll-Back sale at Wal-Mart last week (which he was able to purchase without ID or background check) was certainly coming in handy this week.
He then ordered, ate and enjoyed his usual dish in this restaurant- a plate of meatloaf and sauerkraut.
He then headed to the White House.
At the security check inside the White House, there were some problems arising (due to a computer glitch) with his government employee issued ID.
So Pan Goatee was forced to shoot and kill the White House Secret Service agents present at the security check.
With everyone at the desk now dead, he had no one to ask for directions.
Pan Goatee had to find his way to the Oval Office on his own as he was pretty sure that a White House meeting for a serial killer of his stature (he had beat out Pope Francis in getting his picture on the cover of the Rolling Stone magazine first) could only be with the Big Chief himself.
When he found the Oval Office, he decided to enter without knocking.
Standing there was U. S. President Barack Obama posing for a photo with a small group of elementary schoolchildren.
The children were presenting the President with a petition calling for tougher gun control laws to prevent tragedies like the Sandy Hook Massacre.
Pan Goatee decided that now probably wasn't an opportune moment to announce that he had just purchased a membership in the National Rifle Association.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 4th
2014.
Serial killer and U.S. government hired assassin Pan Goatee had been invited to the White House.
He wasn't sure who he was meeting with there but he had the feeling it was with the Big Chief himself.
Pan Goatee pressed the elevator button.
The elevator showed up at his floor.
He was about to get in when suddenly an ugly looking woman got out.
What the fuck?!-
How dare an ugly looking woman get off just as he was about to get on?
He pulled out his gun and shot her several times making sure that she was dead.
He headed to the stairwell.
Damn!
Now he would have to start using the stairwell until such time as he spotted a beautiful looking woman enter or exit the elevator that would dispel the curse that now hung over the elevator as a result of an ugly looking woman riding in it.
Pan Goatee then walked to one of his favourite restaurants where he would have lunch prior to visiting the White House.
As he entered the restaurant...
...what the fuck?...
... an old bat senior citizen in a walker was sitting at his favourite table.
So Pan Goatee pulled out his gun and shot her several times making sure she was dead.
He then threw her body and walker out the door into the street.
This semi-automatic he bought at a smiley face price Roll-Back sale at Wal-Mart last week (which he was able to purchase without ID or background check) was certainly coming in handy this week.
He then ordered, ate and enjoyed his usual dish in this restaurant- a plate of meatloaf and sauerkraut.
He then headed to the White House.
At the security check inside the White House, there were some problems arising (due to a computer glitch) with his government employee issued ID.
So Pan Goatee was forced to shoot and kill the White House Secret Service agents present at the security check.
With everyone at the desk now dead, he had no one to ask for directions.
Pan Goatee had to find his way to the Oval Office on his own as he was pretty sure that a White House meeting for a serial killer of his stature (he had beat out Pope Francis in getting his picture on the cover of the Rolling Stone magazine first) could only be with the Big Chief himself.
When he found the Oval Office, he decided to enter without knocking.
Standing there was U. S. President Barack Obama posing for a photo with a small group of elementary schoolchildren.
The children were presenting the President with a petition calling for tougher gun control laws to prevent tragedies like the Sandy Hook Massacre.
Pan Goatee decided that now probably wasn't an opportune moment to announce that he had just purchased a membership in the National Rifle Association.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 4th
2014.
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