Vampiress Isis Throws Temper Tantrum
The Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis (sister and sister-in-law to the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set) was having a temper tantrum when she heard the news that Pope Francis was going to consecrate the world to the Immaculate Heart of Mary this coming October 13th.
To add insult to injury, the famous Pilgrim Statue of Our Lady of Fatima would be in Rome on the dates October 12th to 13th on hand for the Consecration.
Isis' English butler and valet Cedarman tried to console his mistress but she threw a spiked stiletto high-heeled shoe at him.
"Well there goes an old Christmas gift given to my lady from former Philippines First Lady Imelda Marcos," Cedarman thought to himself.
"Why? Why? Why?" Isis sobbed causing her ancient Egyptian mascara to flow down both cheeks in a seeming parting of a blue sea as opposed to a Red Sea, "is Pope Francis consecrating the world to Mary instead of to me? I'm the Queen of the Cosmos... not that... that... that... that virgin." She spat out the word putting a nasty stain on her 50,000 euro handmade Persian carpet.
"Well," Cedarman soothed, "according to a certain variety of Fundamentalist Protestant, you and the Virgin Mary are one and the same, the Pope is the Antichrist and the Catholic Church is the Whore of Babylon."
"I don't care what those idiots think," Isis bit her vampiric fangs down on her lip causing her lips to bleed adding further stains to her 50,000 Euro Persian carpet, "I am not the same as the Mother of Jesus. She is called the Blessed Virgin Mary and the Blessed Mother."
Isis threw her other Imelda Marcos given spiked stiletto high heeled shoe at Cedarman.
"She prophesied to her cousin Elizabeth that behold from henceforth, all generations would call her blessed," Isis shrieked, "if she's blessed, what does that make me?".
"Shoeless perhaps?" Cedarman held up one of Imelda Marcos' gifts that had been thrown at him.
The lovely, shapely and highly attractive vampiress took off her lavender coloured evening dress and tried to strangle Cedarman with it.
Peering at the spectacle through his high-powered binoculars, the Paris police detective (who had been ordered by his superiors to watch the vampiress' apartment the past few nights) started to hyperventilate with excitement.
As Saddam Hussein's ghost observed and commented, it was the mother of all climaxes.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 16th
2013.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Napoleon's 244th Birthday and The Ghosts of Antiochus Epiphanes and Alexander The Great
Napoleon's 244th Birthday and The Ghosts of Antiochus Epiphanes and Alexander The Great
As ghosts continued to leave Hades by the thousands after Cerberus abandoned his post at the River Styx (the 3-headed dog was currently frolicking on a Mexican beach drinking Mexican Bulldogs which was a combination of Margarita and Corona beer and then complaining about the bill since all 3 heads were imbibing) , the ghost of Antiochus Epiphanes was walking the streets of Damascus and looking at all the carnage and said, "Well if people really want, I'll gladly become King of Syria again."
At the moment he spoke those words, a small but powerful tremor shook the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.
. . .
At the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, the ghosts of Alexander The Great, his generals and his soldiers had taken over the facility.
For Alexander being the great genius he was with his strategic frame of mind and tactical insight had realized that by taking over the CERN Large Hadron Collider, he could make himself the Master of Time and thus the Master of the Universe.
. . .
The ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte had taken over Magog Rhys Petley's hotel room in Cairo much to the British Labour MP's displeasure.
Magog had gone out to see what cheap souvenirs he could pick up at the neighbourhood bazaar.
Napoleon decided to mark his 244th birthday which was today by having a bunch of harem style dancing girls dancing for him in the hotel room.
He had also ordered a cake personally baked for him by world famous Toronto Ontario based cake maker Joanna Lo the Caking Girl (made in the shape of the City of Paris) .
He also had 244 candles placed on the cake by one of the dancing girls and then another dancing girl (with a low-cut top) bent over to light them all.
Napoleon's ghost then made a wish (which was to rule the world) and then tried to blow out all 244 candles.
But seeing as how Napoleon was now spirit, he could not blow out physical objects.
A huge fire broke out in the hotel room.
. . .
Authorities blamed the hotel fire on the Muslim Brotherhood and used that as an excuse for rounding up and arresting more members.
Magog consoled himself by licking the lovely yet slightly singed breasts of a beautiful woman who said her breasts were singed when she had to light 244 candles on a birthday cake.
To be continued.
- A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 15th
2013.
As ghosts continued to leave Hades by the thousands after Cerberus abandoned his post at the River Styx (the 3-headed dog was currently frolicking on a Mexican beach drinking Mexican Bulldogs which was a combination of Margarita and Corona beer and then complaining about the bill since all 3 heads were imbibing) , the ghost of Antiochus Epiphanes was walking the streets of Damascus and looking at all the carnage and said, "Well if people really want, I'll gladly become King of Syria again."
At the moment he spoke those words, a small but powerful tremor shook the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.
. . .
At the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, the ghosts of Alexander The Great, his generals and his soldiers had taken over the facility.
For Alexander being the great genius he was with his strategic frame of mind and tactical insight had realized that by taking over the CERN Large Hadron Collider, he could make himself the Master of Time and thus the Master of the Universe.
. . .
The ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte had taken over Magog Rhys Petley's hotel room in Cairo much to the British Labour MP's displeasure.
Magog had gone out to see what cheap souvenirs he could pick up at the neighbourhood bazaar.
Napoleon decided to mark his 244th birthday which was today by having a bunch of harem style dancing girls dancing for him in the hotel room.
He had also ordered a cake personally baked for him by world famous Toronto Ontario based cake maker Joanna Lo the Caking Girl (made in the shape of the City of Paris) .
He also had 244 candles placed on the cake by one of the dancing girls and then another dancing girl (with a low-cut top) bent over to light them all.
Napoleon's ghost then made a wish (which was to rule the world) and then tried to blow out all 244 candles.
But seeing as how Napoleon was now spirit, he could not blow out physical objects.
A huge fire broke out in the hotel room.
. . .
Authorities blamed the hotel fire on the Muslim Brotherhood and used that as an excuse for rounding up and arresting more members.
Magog consoled himself by licking the lovely yet slightly singed breasts of a beautiful woman who said her breasts were singed when she had to light 244 candles on a birthday cake.
To be continued.
- A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 15th
2013.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Magog Meets Napoleon's Ghost
Since representatives of the Egyptian Army, interim government and Muslim Brotherhood all refused to meet Magog Rhys Petley, he decided to do the touristy thing and go see the Pyramids.
It was night time and the pyramids were illuminated by great searchlights.
Starlight appeared and a radio playing Nat King Cole singing Stardust could be heard in the distance.
There was a small cloud overhead and moonlight was breaking through the cloud.
Magog turned and saw a spectral figure resembling Napoleon Bonaparte.
"I am the ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte," the figure spoke.
"Of course you are," Magog sighed.
Gosh he was running into a lot of weird people this year.
"I was able to leave the Underworld of Hades because Cerberus abandoned his post for some reason, " Napoleon explained.
"Of course he did," Magog opened a bottle of Scotch whisky and started drinking from the bottle.
"As I was crossing the River Styx, the Greek Vampire Apollo appeared to me and said I was to give you advice on ruling the world," Napoleon pulled his hand out from under his jacket.
"Of course he did," Magog's eyes glazed over into oblivion, "the Olympian's knowledge of history doesn't extend until the Battle of Waterloo in 1815?".
"His directive confused me too," Napoleon admitted, "especially since I drank a lot of water from the Underworld's River of Forgetfulness the River Lethe and so subsequently my memory isn't what it used to be."
"No of course not, " Magog finished the bottle of whisky and started to loudly sing, "Some enchanted evening you will meet a stranger... a very special stranger..."
"So I've returned to Egypt to meet you since you were here," Napoleon reached his hand under his jacket again and pulled out a bottle of French brandy, "plus it's also 215 years ago this month that I lost the Battle of the Nile to that little English pipsqueak Nelson so I've returned to this land of my first major defeat."
"That was August 1798 wasn't it?" Magog recalled his schoolboy history lessons.
"Maybe this will help restore my memory," Napoleon drank from the bottle of Brandy, "the antidote to the waters of the River Lethe."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 9th
2013
It was night time and the pyramids were illuminated by great searchlights.
Starlight appeared and a radio playing Nat King Cole singing Stardust could be heard in the distance.
There was a small cloud overhead and moonlight was breaking through the cloud.
Magog turned and saw a spectral figure resembling Napoleon Bonaparte.
"I am the ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte," the figure spoke.
"Of course you are," Magog sighed.
Gosh he was running into a lot of weird people this year.
"I was able to leave the Underworld of Hades because Cerberus abandoned his post for some reason, " Napoleon explained.
"Of course he did," Magog opened a bottle of Scotch whisky and started drinking from the bottle.
"As I was crossing the River Styx, the Greek Vampire Apollo appeared to me and said I was to give you advice on ruling the world," Napoleon pulled his hand out from under his jacket.
"Of course he did," Magog's eyes glazed over into oblivion, "the Olympian's knowledge of history doesn't extend until the Battle of Waterloo in 1815?".
"His directive confused me too," Napoleon admitted, "especially since I drank a lot of water from the Underworld's River of Forgetfulness the River Lethe and so subsequently my memory isn't what it used to be."
"No of course not, " Magog finished the bottle of whisky and started to loudly sing, "Some enchanted evening you will meet a stranger... a very special stranger..."
"So I've returned to Egypt to meet you since you were here," Napoleon reached his hand under his jacket again and pulled out a bottle of French brandy, "plus it's also 215 years ago this month that I lost the Battle of the Nile to that little English pipsqueak Nelson so I've returned to this land of my first major defeat."
"That was August 1798 wasn't it?" Magog recalled his schoolboy history lessons.
"Maybe this will help restore my memory," Napoleon drank from the bottle of Brandy, "the antidote to the waters of the River Lethe."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 9th
2013
Thursday, August 8, 2013
The Mummy, The Wolfman and The Serial Killer
The flight to Cairo was indeed a long one.
Pan Goatee explained to Magog Rhys Petley that this was his first time on a plane as he usually astral projected with his astral body to various destinations all over the world.
Magog buried his head in his hands and then ordered another buttermilk from the flight attendant.
However Pan Goatee continued to drone on coincidentally at the same time a U.S. drone flew by carrying a sign that said Yemen or bust.
Pan explained that he had gone down to the airport in person to see what trouble he could cause there.
"I'm a musician by profession but serial killing is my hobby," Pan Goatee remarked as he played on his harmonica a short piece from the theme music to Alfred Hitchcock's movie Psycho.
"What do you do? Bore your victims to death?" Magog wondered to himself.
"So anyways I was down at the airport trying to see what trouble I could cause," Pan droned on as the U.S. drone exploded in a self-induced suicide bombing brought on by the motormouth satyr's constant blabbering, "and I happened to see you. And I noticed you carried in your body the spirit of my friend Neb-Senu."
This time Magog ordered a triple whisky when the flight attendant came around again.
Pan Goatee explained that the last time he had seen his extraterrestrial and ancient Egyptian friend was when Neb-Senu had become trapped in a test tube in a doctor's office in the West Bank town of Bethlehem.
Magog did have to wince when Pan Goatee mentioned the name of the doctor.
It was the same doctor he had visited in Bethlehem to get a shot for a possible sexually transmitted disease after he had paid a nocturnal visit to the town prostitute a beautiful and alluring and mysterious redheaded woman who called herself Lilith- a woman whom the townspeople said was a vampiress.
So Pan explained that when he saw Magog at the British Airways boarding gate to Cairo with the spirit of Neb-Senu inside the portly Welsh baritone's frame, he decided to use a credit card from his most recent victim (his victim being dead, he would be unable to phone in to cancel it) to purchase a ticket on the same flight as Magog.
"And that's how I'm here beside you," Pan grinned.
Magog finished his sixth triple whisky and then despite being an atheist, said a silent prayer of thanks to Allah when the plane's Captain announced that they'd soon be landing in Cairo.
Mercifully for Magog as well, Pan Goatee was detained by Egyptian Customs for not having a visa and so the Welsh werewolf British Labour MP was able to hail a taxi to his hotel without the obnoxious and monotonously boring and boastful serial killer following him.
But that was yesterday.
Magog awoke to the sound of The Beatles singing "I believe in yesterday..." on the alarm clock radio next to him.
He got up and went over to the dressing room table mirror (a 19th Century antique that had once belonged to a magician).
As he looked at himself in the mirror, he thought he momentarily caught a glimpse of a ghostly spectral figure of an ancient Egyptian mummy inside his body.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 8th
2013.
Pan Goatee explained to Magog Rhys Petley that this was his first time on a plane as he usually astral projected with his astral body to various destinations all over the world.
Magog buried his head in his hands and then ordered another buttermilk from the flight attendant.
However Pan Goatee continued to drone on coincidentally at the same time a U.S. drone flew by carrying a sign that said Yemen or bust.
Pan explained that he had gone down to the airport in person to see what trouble he could cause there.
"I'm a musician by profession but serial killing is my hobby," Pan Goatee remarked as he played on his harmonica a short piece from the theme music to Alfred Hitchcock's movie Psycho.
"What do you do? Bore your victims to death?" Magog wondered to himself.
"So anyways I was down at the airport trying to see what trouble I could cause," Pan droned on as the U.S. drone exploded in a self-induced suicide bombing brought on by the motormouth satyr's constant blabbering, "and I happened to see you. And I noticed you carried in your body the spirit of my friend Neb-Senu."
This time Magog ordered a triple whisky when the flight attendant came around again.
Pan Goatee explained that the last time he had seen his extraterrestrial and ancient Egyptian friend was when Neb-Senu had become trapped in a test tube in a doctor's office in the West Bank town of Bethlehem.
Magog did have to wince when Pan Goatee mentioned the name of the doctor.
It was the same doctor he had visited in Bethlehem to get a shot for a possible sexually transmitted disease after he had paid a nocturnal visit to the town prostitute a beautiful and alluring and mysterious redheaded woman who called herself Lilith- a woman whom the townspeople said was a vampiress.
So Pan explained that when he saw Magog at the British Airways boarding gate to Cairo with the spirit of Neb-Senu inside the portly Welsh baritone's frame, he decided to use a credit card from his most recent victim (his victim being dead, he would be unable to phone in to cancel it) to purchase a ticket on the same flight as Magog.
"And that's how I'm here beside you," Pan grinned.
Magog finished his sixth triple whisky and then despite being an atheist, said a silent prayer of thanks to Allah when the plane's Captain announced that they'd soon be landing in Cairo.
Mercifully for Magog as well, Pan Goatee was detained by Egyptian Customs for not having a visa and so the Welsh werewolf British Labour MP was able to hail a taxi to his hotel without the obnoxious and monotonously boring and boastful serial killer following him.
But that was yesterday.
Magog awoke to the sound of The Beatles singing "I believe in yesterday..." on the alarm clock radio next to him.
He got up and went over to the dressing room table mirror (a 19th Century antique that had once belonged to a magician).
As he looked at himself in the mirror, he thought he momentarily caught a glimpse of a ghostly spectral figure of an ancient Egyptian mummy inside his body.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 8th
2013.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Magog Rhys Petley and Pan Goatee
As Magog Rhys Petley sat in his seat on the British Airways plane bound for Egypt, a man in Bermuda shorts sat next to him.
Magog noticed the man had goat's legs and this wasn't the feature item on the plane's dinner menu.
Magog decided to make polite conversation, "Has anyone ever told you that you have goat's legs?".
"That's because I'm a satyr like in Ancient Greek mythology," Pan Goatee helped himself to a martini from a passing flight attendant's tray, "I'm half-man and half-goat."
"Oh of course, naturally," Magog nodded. He hadn't recalled having had that much to drink in the airport lounge.
"The name's Goatee," the satyr shook his martini, "Pan Goatee."
"Rhys Petley," the British MP ordered a glass of buttermilk from the attractive brunette flight attendant, "Magog Rhys Petley."
"Did you know that your body is inhabited by the spirit of a friend of mine?" Pan Goatee asked, "The spirit of Neb-Senu entity from planet Nibiru who sojourned in ancient Egypt eons ago and was the spirit behind the moving rotating statue in the Manchester Museum?".
Atheistic Marxist Magog Rhys Petley buried his head in his hands.
He started to wonder whether there wasn't some spiritual force present in the Universe that was trying its hardest to get people to give up drinking?
When he had passed a neighbour's apartment in the hallway recently where an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting was taking place, he had overheard the evening's speaker say that he decided to give up drinking when he saw the 3-headed dog Cerberus walk by the window of the pub in which he was drinking.
A few nights later when he had backslidden (like a Pentecostal televangelist on his umpteenth visit to a whorehouse), the same 3-headed dog Cerberus had appeared to him on the street and asked him for directions on how to get to the Palace of Westminster.
Magog Rhys Petley caught a glimpse of the shapely black silk nylon clad legs of the short skirted attractive brunette flight attendant as she walked past down the aisle.
Then he noticed the furry goat's legs of the strange individual in the Bermuda shorts sitting next to him.
He sighed.
It was going to be a long trip to Cairo.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 7th
2013
Magog noticed the man had goat's legs and this wasn't the feature item on the plane's dinner menu.
Magog decided to make polite conversation, "Has anyone ever told you that you have goat's legs?".
"That's because I'm a satyr like in Ancient Greek mythology," Pan Goatee helped himself to a martini from a passing flight attendant's tray, "I'm half-man and half-goat."
"Oh of course, naturally," Magog nodded. He hadn't recalled having had that much to drink in the airport lounge.
"The name's Goatee," the satyr shook his martini, "Pan Goatee."
"Rhys Petley," the British MP ordered a glass of buttermilk from the attractive brunette flight attendant, "Magog Rhys Petley."
"Did you know that your body is inhabited by the spirit of a friend of mine?" Pan Goatee asked, "The spirit of Neb-Senu entity from planet Nibiru who sojourned in ancient Egypt eons ago and was the spirit behind the moving rotating statue in the Manchester Museum?".
Atheistic Marxist Magog Rhys Petley buried his head in his hands.
He started to wonder whether there wasn't some spiritual force present in the Universe that was trying its hardest to get people to give up drinking?
When he had passed a neighbour's apartment in the hallway recently where an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting was taking place, he had overheard the evening's speaker say that he decided to give up drinking when he saw the 3-headed dog Cerberus walk by the window of the pub in which he was drinking.
A few nights later when he had backslidden (like a Pentecostal televangelist on his umpteenth visit to a whorehouse), the same 3-headed dog Cerberus had appeared to him on the street and asked him for directions on how to get to the Palace of Westminster.
Magog Rhys Petley caught a glimpse of the shapely black silk nylon clad legs of the short skirted attractive brunette flight attendant as she walked past down the aisle.
Then he noticed the furry goat's legs of the strange individual in the Bermuda shorts sitting next to him.
He sighed.
It was going to be a long trip to Cairo.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 7th
2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Magog Called To Egypt- Again
Magog Called To Egypt- Again
Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley had received a phone call from the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
"Goggy," Set addressed the British lycanthropic parliamentarian by a nickname he hated, "you've no doubt heard that Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham are in Egypt trying to broker a peace deal between the Army and the Muslim Brotherhood. I want you to leave for Egypt immediately and beat them to it."
"Well I hate to mention it," Magog said as he tried to shave the fur off his face, "but my last few peace missions to the Middle East the past couple of years haven't exactly been a qualified success."
"Goggy my boy," Set tried to sound as upbeat as a motivational seminar leader, "haven't you heard that expression if at first you don't succeed, try, try again?".
"All right," Magog sighed when he was confident he no longer looked like Lon Chaney Jr. playing the role of Larry Talbot.
He put the phone down, put the shaver down and grabbed his copy of A Tourist's Guide To The Best Eating Places In Cairo.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 6th
2013
Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley had received a phone call from the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
"Goggy," Set addressed the British lycanthropic parliamentarian by a nickname he hated, "you've no doubt heard that Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham are in Egypt trying to broker a peace deal between the Army and the Muslim Brotherhood. I want you to leave for Egypt immediately and beat them to it."
"Well I hate to mention it," Magog said as he tried to shave the fur off his face, "but my last few peace missions to the Middle East the past couple of years haven't exactly been a qualified success."
"Goggy my boy," Set tried to sound as upbeat as a motivational seminar leader, "haven't you heard that expression if at first you don't succeed, try, try again?".
"All right," Magog sighed when he was confident he no longer looked like Lon Chaney Jr. playing the role of Larry Talbot.
He put the phone down, put the shaver down and grabbed his copy of A Tourist's Guide To The Best Eating Places In Cairo.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 6th
2013
Monday, August 5, 2013
Eating The McFrankenburger
Eating The McFrankenburger
Renfield R. Renfield sat on the sofa eagerly clutching a bucket of hot buttered popcorn and a large theatre sized carton of Coca-Cola eagerly waiting for the press conference to start on BBC News.
Amadeus sat eating black licorice and waited in nervous anticipation wondering what it was that Renfield had done.
. . .
Mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher was at work in the Set Enterprises Laboratory when he suddenly noticed that one of his genetically created shapeshifting serums was missing.
. . .
Renfield turned up the volume on the remote when the press conference started.
The lead scientist from Maastricht University's research team introduced the world's first laboratory grown hamburger patty and the hamburger patty must have missed its calling in its brief short life because it did not stand up to take a bow.
Instead a chef from Cornwall cooked it and two food critics were called up on stage to eat it.
And that was it.
. . .
Renfield was flabbergasted.
"Nothing happened," Renfield cried.
Amadeus helped himself to some of the popcorn from Renfield's carton of popcorn as Renfield sat on the sofa in a total state of shock.
. . .
Pan Goatee was being paid $2 million U.S. by America's Rolling Stone Magazine to sit down for an exclusive interview with them.
It was the first such media interview that Britain's most notorious contemporary serial killer had granted.
"So," Tila Tequila who was doing some freelance reporting for Rolling Stone Magazine asked him, "you figure you were probably created in a genetics lab somewhere prior to waking up in the middle of the road after a lorry accident in northern England?".
"That is correct," Pan Goatee grinned as he sipped on a strawberry margarita while wearing a t-shirt that said Strawberry Fields Forever.
"And do you think the Illuminati had anything to do with your creation?" Tila asked him as she adjusted her skirt.
"Well from my brief life span on this Earth in which I must admit I've accumulated a tremendous amount of knowledge thus showing what a great genius I am," Pan Goatee batted his eyelashes with modesty, "I think the upper echelons of the Illuminati are obsessed with Osiris as a god of light and goodness. I think I was probably created by forces more in alignment with Set who was Osiris' darker more brooding more melancholy and more dark side of the force brother."
"Wow that really blows my mind," Tila said, "I understand you have the ability to astral project as well."
"That is correct," Pan Goatee astral projected his cloven left foot hoof across the room.
"Amazing," Tila gasped, "and you say your ability to astral project only emerged a couple of months after you awoke lying in the middle of that road in northern England?".
"Yes," Pan Goatee unwrapped a Cadbury Caramilk bar and helped himself to a couple of Ferrero Rocher chocolates, "I suspect whoever my creator is, he hasn't fully mastered the mixed DNA cocktails he creates. And so some things only kick in to his creations months, weeks or possibly hours after their creation."
. . .
The two food critics who had eaten the world's first lab grown hamburger were now enjoying a nice juicy tenderloin steak in a swanky upscale London restaurant.
When the waiter came over to ask them how they were enjoying their meals, both food critics suddenly turned into the spitting image of world-famous clown Ronald McDonald.
"Mon Dieu," the restaurant's French maitre 'd gasped when he saw the transformation, "this will mean bad reviews for the restaurant for sure."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 5th
2013.
Renfield R. Renfield sat on the sofa eagerly clutching a bucket of hot buttered popcorn and a large theatre sized carton of Coca-Cola eagerly waiting for the press conference to start on BBC News.
Amadeus sat eating black licorice and waited in nervous anticipation wondering what it was that Renfield had done.
. . .
Mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher was at work in the Set Enterprises Laboratory when he suddenly noticed that one of his genetically created shapeshifting serums was missing.
. . .
Renfield turned up the volume on the remote when the press conference started.
The lead scientist from Maastricht University's research team introduced the world's first laboratory grown hamburger patty and the hamburger patty must have missed its calling in its brief short life because it did not stand up to take a bow.
Instead a chef from Cornwall cooked it and two food critics were called up on stage to eat it.
And that was it.
. . .
Renfield was flabbergasted.
"Nothing happened," Renfield cried.
Amadeus helped himself to some of the popcorn from Renfield's carton of popcorn as Renfield sat on the sofa in a total state of shock.
. . .
Pan Goatee was being paid $2 million U.S. by America's Rolling Stone Magazine to sit down for an exclusive interview with them.
It was the first such media interview that Britain's most notorious contemporary serial killer had granted.
"So," Tila Tequila who was doing some freelance reporting for Rolling Stone Magazine asked him, "you figure you were probably created in a genetics lab somewhere prior to waking up in the middle of the road after a lorry accident in northern England?".
"That is correct," Pan Goatee grinned as he sipped on a strawberry margarita while wearing a t-shirt that said Strawberry Fields Forever.
"And do you think the Illuminati had anything to do with your creation?" Tila asked him as she adjusted her skirt.
"Well from my brief life span on this Earth in which I must admit I've accumulated a tremendous amount of knowledge thus showing what a great genius I am," Pan Goatee batted his eyelashes with modesty, "I think the upper echelons of the Illuminati are obsessed with Osiris as a god of light and goodness. I think I was probably created by forces more in alignment with Set who was Osiris' darker more brooding more melancholy and more dark side of the force brother."
"Wow that really blows my mind," Tila said, "I understand you have the ability to astral project as well."
"That is correct," Pan Goatee astral projected his cloven left foot hoof across the room.
"Amazing," Tila gasped, "and you say your ability to astral project only emerged a couple of months after you awoke lying in the middle of that road in northern England?".
"Yes," Pan Goatee unwrapped a Cadbury Caramilk bar and helped himself to a couple of Ferrero Rocher chocolates, "I suspect whoever my creator is, he hasn't fully mastered the mixed DNA cocktails he creates. And so some things only kick in to his creations months, weeks or possibly hours after their creation."
. . .
The two food critics who had eaten the world's first lab grown hamburger were now enjoying a nice juicy tenderloin steak in a swanky upscale London restaurant.
When the waiter came over to ask them how they were enjoying their meals, both food critics suddenly turned into the spitting image of world-famous clown Ronald McDonald.
"Mon Dieu," the restaurant's French maitre 'd gasped when he saw the transformation, "this will mean bad reviews for the restaurant for sure."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 5th
2013.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
McFrankenstein Hamburger
McFrankenstein Hamburger
"I see the world's first lab-grown hamburger is to be cooked and eaten at a press conference in London tomorrow," Amadeus Emanon the world's first genetically created concert pianist remarked to his friend Renfield R. Renfield the world's first genetically created human/hamster shapeshifter.
"I know," Renfield grinned like the fox who had just eaten the chicken.
"What are you up to?" Amadeus asked Renfield, "Did you sneak into the Maastricht University lab and do something to that lab grown hamburger patty?".
"You know the practical joker I am," Renfield grinned like a Pasadena community college social sciences professor who had gone beyond sexting and had actually managed to get into a porn star's panties, "just watch the press conference tomorrow and you'll find out for yourself."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday August 4th
2013
"I see the world's first lab-grown hamburger is to be cooked and eaten at a press conference in London tomorrow," Amadeus Emanon the world's first genetically created concert pianist remarked to his friend Renfield R. Renfield the world's first genetically created human/hamster shapeshifter.
"I know," Renfield grinned like the fox who had just eaten the chicken.
"What are you up to?" Amadeus asked Renfield, "Did you sneak into the Maastricht University lab and do something to that lab grown hamburger patty?".
"You know the practical joker I am," Renfield grinned like a Pasadena community college social sciences professor who had gone beyond sexting and had actually managed to get into a porn star's panties, "just watch the press conference tomorrow and you'll find out for yourself."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday August 4th
2013
Thursday, August 1, 2013
The Devil On Lammas Day
As the man sat at the bus stop reading his newspaper about a series of gruesome bus murders that had occurred in Vancouver, British Columbia, he remarked to the gentleman sitting next to him, "Maybe my grandmother was right after all."
"Right about what?" The man sitting next to him asked.
The man posing the question could have easily passed for a lawyer, a tax collector or the publisher of a Fleet Street newspaper.
"My grandmother always claimed the Devil walked the Earth on Lammas Eve, Lammas Day and Lammas Night," the man reading the newspaper replied.
At that moment, a London double decker bus pulled up.
The man who could have passed for a lawyer, a tax collector or a Fleet Street newspaper publisher got on first.
The man with the newspaper under his arm got on behind and stepped on the tail of the man in front of him.
"Oh, I'm sorry, " the man with the newspaper said.
Wait a minute... he thought...
Stepped on the tail of the man in front of him?
The man with the newspaper under his arm looked down and noticed the lawyerish and tax collectorish looking man had a pitchfork at the end of his tail.
The man with the newspaper screamed.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 1st
2013
Lammas Day
"Right about what?" The man sitting next to him asked.
The man posing the question could have easily passed for a lawyer, a tax collector or the publisher of a Fleet Street newspaper.
"My grandmother always claimed the Devil walked the Earth on Lammas Eve, Lammas Day and Lammas Night," the man reading the newspaper replied.
At that moment, a London double decker bus pulled up.
The man who could have passed for a lawyer, a tax collector or a Fleet Street newspaper publisher got on first.
The man with the newspaper under his arm got on behind and stepped on the tail of the man in front of him.
"Oh, I'm sorry, " the man with the newspaper said.
Wait a minute... he thought...
Stepped on the tail of the man in front of him?
The man with the newspaper under his arm looked down and noticed the lawyerish and tax collectorish looking man had a pitchfork at the end of his tail.
The man with the newspaper screamed.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 1st
2013
Lammas Day
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