Fuhrer's Furious Descent To Hell- 70 Years Later
Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were listening to the radio.
Said the announcer, "It was 70 years ago today that Nazi Germany's Fuhrer Adolf Hitler committed suicide only hours after he married his mistress Eva Braun..."
"What numerous assassination attempts over the years failed to accomplish, marriage succeeded in doing in a few hours," remarked Renfield.
. . .
In the room in the Fuhrerbunker, Hitler addressed Goebbels, "Have the crystals been safely buried?".
Goebbels had only heard about the crystals from the Fuhrer the night before.
Apparently the crystals had been found in the Himalayas on a Nazi SS Occult Bureau expedition to Tibet back in 1937.
The crystals were said to pick up energy from people's thoughts and consciousness so when the crystals were brought to Berlin in 1938, Hitler said the crystals would absorb and contain the energies of the Third Reich.
The crystals were stored away in the back rooms of a Berlin Museum.
But with the Soviets advancing on Berlin, Hitler had given the order that the crystals be removed from Berlin
and buried deep in the ground at a distant farmhouse.
Hitler was convinced the crystals would rise from the ground 70 years to the day after his death and the energies of his Reich would once again be unleashed on the world.
He had asked Goebbels this past evening to get in radio contact with the SS officer who had been entrusted with the task to make sure it had been done.
Goebbels had just received confirmation on the wireless.
He came to tell his Fuhrer.
"Thank you, Josef," the Fuhrer shook his hand, "you've been a good and loyal servant."
Hitler then closed the bedroom door.
Goebbels heard the sound of gun shots coming from the room.
. . .
The farmer was shocked as he took a mid-afternoon walk on his farm on this last day of April in the Year of Our Lord 2015.
There standing in his pasture were huge crystal stones that he had never seen before.
It was as if they had just risen magically out of the ground.
. . .
Inside the old German farmhouse, the farm wife was listening to an old radio broadcast from Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen that was available on the Internet.
Sheen commented during the broadcast, "Dictators are like boils, superficial manifestations of an inner rottenness. They would never come to the surface if there had not been the proper conditions in the world from which they came."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 30th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Baltimore and The End of America
Baltimore and The End of America
Russian President Vladimir Putin and the Babylonian Vampiress Lilith were watching the Baltimore riots on television.
"A house divided against itself cannot stand," Putin recalled Abraham Lincoln's words as he watched the riots unfold on the TV screen.
"Yes," the Vampiress Lilith nodded as she stood in her green silk evening dress, "you've already won the Third World War, Vladimir. No need for you to destroy America. America has already destroyed itself from within."
Putin chewed his fingernails as he reflected on Lilith's words.
"You could if you want to," Lilith said, "move and take not only eastern Ukraine but also Kiev itself and all of Ukraine. You could take all of Central and Eastern Europe and even Germany itself. And establish a new European wide Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. And America would do nothing."
Putin looked at Lilith.
"America would do nothing," Lilith reiterated, "Oh, Arizona Sen. John McCain would probably give a speech in the U.S. Senate in which he'd go totally ballistic. U. S. President Barack Obama would probably make a guest appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live (shutting down LA streets and freeways in the Presidential motorcade process pissing off and making irate loads of LA motorists) and say what a nasty unpleasant fellow that Vladimir Putin is while the audience applauds and Jimmy Kimmel checks his live tweet updates. Bruce Jenner will issue a statement saying that he won't be seeking any transgender treatments in Russia. And Kim Kardashian will moon the Russian Ambassador in Washington DC. But other than that, America will do nothing."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 28th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Russian President Vladimir Putin and the Babylonian Vampiress Lilith were watching the Baltimore riots on television.
"A house divided against itself cannot stand," Putin recalled Abraham Lincoln's words as he watched the riots unfold on the TV screen.
"Yes," the Vampiress Lilith nodded as she stood in her green silk evening dress, "you've already won the Third World War, Vladimir. No need for you to destroy America. America has already destroyed itself from within."
Putin chewed his fingernails as he reflected on Lilith's words.
"You could if you want to," Lilith said, "move and take not only eastern Ukraine but also Kiev itself and all of Ukraine. You could take all of Central and Eastern Europe and even Germany itself. And establish a new European wide Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. And America would do nothing."
Putin looked at Lilith.
"America would do nothing," Lilith reiterated, "Oh, Arizona Sen. John McCain would probably give a speech in the U.S. Senate in which he'd go totally ballistic. U. S. President Barack Obama would probably make a guest appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live (shutting down LA streets and freeways in the Presidential motorcade process pissing off and making irate loads of LA motorists) and say what a nasty unpleasant fellow that Vladimir Putin is while the audience applauds and Jimmy Kimmel checks his live tweet updates. Bruce Jenner will issue a statement saying that he won't be seeking any transgender treatments in Russia. And Kim Kardashian will moon the Russian Ambassador in Washington DC. But other than that, America will do nothing."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 28th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, April 27, 2015
Renfield's Quiet Evening At Home
Renfield's Quiet Evening At Home
Renfield R. Renfield was spending a quiet evening at home after a day of getting doors slammed in his face while out campaigning as a candidate for his British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party in the constituency of London Collingwood Hills.
Amadeus Emanon was sitting in a chair across from Renfield.
He was reading a book of puns written by Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.
Amadeus read,
What did the magical wizard say after his first attempt to turn himself into a fish?
Answer: Oh no! I just made a total bass of myself.
As Amadeus chuckled, Renfield put on the radio.
Radio News Announcer: And in other news... a 76-year-old woman has been banned from a KFC in the U.S. for breast feeding her 42-year-old son in public there...
A protestor outside the site said earlier today, "I can't believe people still eat here..."
"The world has gone insane," said Renfield.
"Well if it has, you should do well in the upcoming election," Amadeus remarked.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 27th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Renfield R. Renfield was spending a quiet evening at home after a day of getting doors slammed in his face while out campaigning as a candidate for his British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party in the constituency of London Collingwood Hills.
Amadeus Emanon was sitting in a chair across from Renfield.
He was reading a book of puns written by Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.
Amadeus read,
What did the magical wizard say after his first attempt to turn himself into a fish?
Answer: Oh no! I just made a total bass of myself.
As Amadeus chuckled, Renfield put on the radio.
Radio News Announcer: And in other news... a 76-year-old woman has been banned from a KFC in the U.S. for breast feeding her 42-year-old son in public there...
A protestor outside the site said earlier today, "I can't believe people still eat here..."
"The world has gone insane," said Renfield.
"Well if it has, you should do well in the upcoming election," Amadeus remarked.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 27th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Haikus About Cloning
Haikus About Cloning
They mapped the human genome
DNA = ET make clone?
so claim the History Channel
Now they're mapping mammoth genome
so elephant in the room
matches fur rug.
They mapped the human genome
DNA = ET make clone?
so claim the History Channel
Now they're mapping mammoth genome
so elephant in the room
matches fur rug.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Earth Day Is Lenin's Birthday
Earth Day Is Lenin's Birthday
As a wired journalist for WIRED Magazine (he had drunk 20 cups of coffee while sitting in a Starbucks cafe that had 20 screaming children who had drunk too many chocolate sprinkled cappuccinos) wrote in an online article that the biggest threat to the Earth was "we have too many kids", the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith and ancient Babel's ruler Nimrod (who had turned into a frog as a result of a Vampiress' kiss gone awry) were spending Earth Day in Moscow.
The Vampiress Lilith was having an important meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin.
Nimrod would not be attending the meeting as President Putin did not talk to frogs.
The Russian leader had developed a severe allergy to frogs' legs after a bad case of food poisoning on a disastrous holiday trip on the Black Sea many many years ago.
So Nimrod decided he would spend the time visiting Lenin's Tomb in Moscow.
As Nimrod stared through the glass at the embalmed body of Lenin, Lenin's corpse sat up momentarily and sang "Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me!" for of course Earth Day was the same day as Lenin's birthday.
And today was Lenin's 145th birthday.
"Where's my birthday cake and candles?" Lenin shouted.
"I'm sorry," apologized an old Soviet Red Army soldier who had stood guard at Lenin's tomb since the very first Earth Day was held on this date back in 1970, "but a birthday cake with that many candles on it- 145- would violate the City of Moscow's Fire Code."
"Bloody bureaucratic regulations!" cursed the man who had founded the all-encompassing bureaucratic Soviet state.
The Soviet Union's founder foamed at the mouth and promptly died again.
"Wow, I just saw Lenin's corpse sit up and sing Happy Birthday to himself," Nimrod the frog remarked as he left the Lenin Mausoleum.
"Wow, I just saw a talking frog," said one vodka drinking Russian man who swore off vodka for life after this strange encounter.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 22nd
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
As a wired journalist for WIRED Magazine (he had drunk 20 cups of coffee while sitting in a Starbucks cafe that had 20 screaming children who had drunk too many chocolate sprinkled cappuccinos) wrote in an online article that the biggest threat to the Earth was "we have too many kids", the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith and ancient Babel's ruler Nimrod (who had turned into a frog as a result of a Vampiress' kiss gone awry) were spending Earth Day in Moscow.
The Vampiress Lilith was having an important meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin.
Nimrod would not be attending the meeting as President Putin did not talk to frogs.
The Russian leader had developed a severe allergy to frogs' legs after a bad case of food poisoning on a disastrous holiday trip on the Black Sea many many years ago.
So Nimrod decided he would spend the time visiting Lenin's Tomb in Moscow.
As Nimrod stared through the glass at the embalmed body of Lenin, Lenin's corpse sat up momentarily and sang "Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me!" for of course Earth Day was the same day as Lenin's birthday.
And today was Lenin's 145th birthday.
"Where's my birthday cake and candles?" Lenin shouted.
"I'm sorry," apologized an old Soviet Red Army soldier who had stood guard at Lenin's tomb since the very first Earth Day was held on this date back in 1970, "but a birthday cake with that many candles on it- 145- would violate the City of Moscow's Fire Code."
"Bloody bureaucratic regulations!" cursed the man who had founded the all-encompassing bureaucratic Soviet state.
The Soviet Union's founder foamed at the mouth and promptly died again.
"Wow, I just saw Lenin's corpse sit up and sing Happy Birthday to himself," Nimrod the frog remarked as he left the Lenin Mausoleum.
"Wow, I just saw a talking frog," said one vodka drinking Russian man who swore off vodka for life after this strange encounter.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 22nd
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Portals: A Poem
Portals: A Poem
The 21st of April it was
Back in 753 B.C.
Romulus and Remus founded a new City.
Rome it was called - The Eternal City.
Inside the old house by the wishing well
the statue of the she- wolf fell.
The old man looked up
from his favourite cup.
"Romulus and Remus' mother has gone," the old man sighed.
Then the old man dropped his cup and died.
It was a hotel room in some distant city
the weather outside was not very pretty
and the two children a dish of potato chips did hoard
as they sat and played with a Ouija board.
The little boy asked, "Will I die soon?"
as the little girl licked her tablespoon.
What would the answer be? Anyone's guess.
But the planchette moved to the spot marked Yes.
The little boy opened his mouth to scream
but nothing came out it would seem
for he just died- and 'twas no dream.
Google leaves one with thoughts to ponder
today's explanation for the Loch Ness monster
one-eyed ETs piloting a sub
that has Nessie's head above.
So now you know
before you go
look all around
listen for sound.
There are portals everywhere
in the attic- below the stair
Wormholes they are called by some
slithery worms slide through causing you to run
But this warning- you can run but you cannot hide
Just ask the many- the many who have died.
-A horror poem written by Christopher
Tuesday April 21st 2015.
Sent from my iPhone
The 21st of April it was
Back in 753 B.C.
Romulus and Remus founded a new City.
Rome it was called - The Eternal City.
Inside the old house by the wishing well
the statue of the she- wolf fell.
The old man looked up
from his favourite cup.
"Romulus and Remus' mother has gone," the old man sighed.
Then the old man dropped his cup and died.
It was a hotel room in some distant city
the weather outside was not very pretty
and the two children a dish of potato chips did hoard
as they sat and played with a Ouija board.
The little boy asked, "Will I die soon?"
as the little girl licked her tablespoon.
What would the answer be? Anyone's guess.
But the planchette moved to the spot marked Yes.
The little boy opened his mouth to scream
but nothing came out it would seem
for he just died- and 'twas no dream.
Google leaves one with thoughts to ponder
today's explanation for the Loch Ness monster
one-eyed ETs piloting a sub
that has Nessie's head above.
So now you know
before you go
look all around
listen for sound.
There are portals everywhere
in the attic- below the stair
Wormholes they are called by some
slithery worms slide through causing you to run
But this warning- you can run but you cannot hide
Just ask the many- the many who have died.
-A horror poem written by Christopher
Tuesday April 21st 2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Abe Lincoln's Shooting 150 Years On: Renfield's Commentary
Abe Lincoln's Shooting 150 Years On: Renfield's Commentary
Amadeus Emanon was listening to the radio because his friend Renfield R. Renfield was doing a guest editorial commentary on a local London radio station.
Said Renfield on the radio: For those too young to remember, it was 150 years ago tonight that Abraham Lincoln was shot while attending a performance of Our American Cousin at Ford's Theatre in Washington D.C.
I don't know if the audience received refunds when the rest of the evening's performance was cancelled.
Today no doubt they'd be selling their tickets on eBay or Craigslist.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 14th
2015.
Amadeus Emanon was listening to the radio because his friend Renfield R. Renfield was doing a guest editorial commentary on a local London radio station.
Said Renfield on the radio: For those too young to remember, it was 150 years ago tonight that Abraham Lincoln was shot while attending a performance of Our American Cousin at Ford's Theatre in Washington D.C.
I don't know if the audience received refunds when the rest of the evening's performance was cancelled.
Today no doubt they'd be selling their tickets on eBay or Craigslist.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 14th
2015.
Monday, April 13, 2015
Blood On The Ottoman Carpet
Blood On The Ottoman Carpet
Amadeus Emanon and Renfield R. Renfield were listening to the World News Report on the radio.
"And this news just in," said the announcer, "emergency crews were called to the new Presidential Palace in Ankara Turkey after Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan got his zipper stuck while taking a leak in one of the 500 gold-plated bathrooms in the Palace.
The incident, reminiscent of that famous scene with Ben Stiller in the 1998 film There's Something About Mary that also starred Cameron Diaz, occurred when President Erdogan heard on the radio that Pope Francis had described the Ottoman Empire's mass killing of 1.5 million Armenians 100 years ago as a "genocide".
Francis made the declaration in a ceremony at the Vatican yesterday.
The announcement apparently did not go well with the Turkish President's attempt to relieve himself..."
. . .
At an all-candidates' forum in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge, the topic was Foreign Affairs,
Someone brought up the matter of the recent Zippergate Affair involving Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan.
"Well," said the Welsh Vampiress Morgana representing the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party, "if I had been there, I'd have kicked Mr. Erdogan in the balls."
"That would be great if Recep Tayyip Erdogan had any balls," interjected Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley, "if Mr. Erdogan wasn't such an inherent sniveling coward (to say nothing of being a petty despotic tyrant and an impotent bedwetter with a small penis), he'd acknowledge his country's despicable role in perpetrating this crime against the Armenian people and this crime against humanity."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 13th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Amadeus Emanon and Renfield R. Renfield were listening to the World News Report on the radio.
"And this news just in," said the announcer, "emergency crews were called to the new Presidential Palace in Ankara Turkey after Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan got his zipper stuck while taking a leak in one of the 500 gold-plated bathrooms in the Palace.
The incident, reminiscent of that famous scene with Ben Stiller in the 1998 film There's Something About Mary that also starred Cameron Diaz, occurred when President Erdogan heard on the radio that Pope Francis had described the Ottoman Empire's mass killing of 1.5 million Armenians 100 years ago as a "genocide".
Francis made the declaration in a ceremony at the Vatican yesterday.
The announcement apparently did not go well with the Turkish President's attempt to relieve himself..."
. . .
At an all-candidates' forum in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge, the topic was Foreign Affairs,
Someone brought up the matter of the recent Zippergate Affair involving Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan.
"Well," said the Welsh Vampiress Morgana representing the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party, "if I had been there, I'd have kicked Mr. Erdogan in the balls."
"That would be great if Recep Tayyip Erdogan had any balls," interjected Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley, "if Mr. Erdogan wasn't such an inherent sniveling coward (to say nothing of being a petty despotic tyrant and an impotent bedwetter with a small penis), he'd acknowledge his country's despicable role in perpetrating this crime against the Armenian people and this crime against humanity."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 13th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Lepardia Marango Observes British General Election
Lepardia Marango Observes British General Election
Lepardia Marango the cultural attaché at the South African Embassy in London was sitting in a London tea shop enjoying a cup of Earl Grey tea.
She adjusted her skirt and brushed crumpet crumbs off her blouse as she typed on the keyboard of her laptop.
She had received an email from an ex-University classmate of hers in South Africa who said he had just come down with a hernia after he unilaterally tried to push a statue of British colonialist Cecil Rhodes off its pedestal on the University of Cape Town campus.
A crane was brought in to remove the statue to prevent the emergence of future hernias according to a South African news report.
Lepardia glanced at the TV screen in the tea shop.
A BBC News report was showing a nasty fight that had broken out at a candidates' debate in the constituency of Newbridge in Wales.
The fight was between a micro-mini skirted pop singer Morgana who was running as an Independent candidate on the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party platform and Magog Rhys Petley who was the sitting MP and incumbent candidate for the British Labour Party.
The fight was later taken outside but all the cameras showed outside was some fight going on between a large vampire bat and a large wolf.
The TV screen then showed a campaign stop for British Prime Minister David Cameron.
At the appearance, a protestor held up a picket sign in front of Mr. Cameron that said:
Why Settle For A Prime Minister Who's Only Human When You Can Have One Who's Transhuman?
Lepardia took a careful look at the protestor holding the placard in front of Cameron.
Wasn't that Renfield R. Renfield? she asked herself.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 9th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Lepardia Marango the cultural attaché at the South African Embassy in London was sitting in a London tea shop enjoying a cup of Earl Grey tea.
She adjusted her skirt and brushed crumpet crumbs off her blouse as she typed on the keyboard of her laptop.
She had received an email from an ex-University classmate of hers in South Africa who said he had just come down with a hernia after he unilaterally tried to push a statue of British colonialist Cecil Rhodes off its pedestal on the University of Cape Town campus.
A crane was brought in to remove the statue to prevent the emergence of future hernias according to a South African news report.
Lepardia glanced at the TV screen in the tea shop.
A BBC News report was showing a nasty fight that had broken out at a candidates' debate in the constituency of Newbridge in Wales.
The fight was between a micro-mini skirted pop singer Morgana who was running as an Independent candidate on the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party platform and Magog Rhys Petley who was the sitting MP and incumbent candidate for the British Labour Party.
The fight was later taken outside but all the cameras showed outside was some fight going on between a large vampire bat and a large wolf.
The TV screen then showed a campaign stop for British Prime Minister David Cameron.
At the appearance, a protestor held up a picket sign in front of Mr. Cameron that said:
Why Settle For A Prime Minister Who's Only Human When You Can Have One Who's Transhuman?
Lepardia took a careful look at the protestor holding the placard in front of Cameron.
Wasn't that Renfield R. Renfield? she asked herself.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 9th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Something Transhuman This Way Comes
Something Transhuman This Way Comes
Amadeus Emanon was watching an adaptation of Agatha Christie's The Third Girl on BBC Television.
Hercule Poirot was standing on an estate balcony watching a man and a woman on the lawn kissing under the moonlight.
Said Poirot to the woman standing next to him on the balcony, "We are looking, Madame, at a mystery. The greatest mystery. The mystery that even I, Hercule Poirot, will never be able to solve. The mystery that is... the nature of Love."
"Love is a mystery?" Renfield looked up from the book of essays he was reading written by Ray Kurzweil, J. Craig Venter and other leading Transhumanist thinkers.
"Hercule Poirot says it is," Amadeus ate his Belgian waffles with strawberry syrup.
"It can be awfully expensive, I know," Renfield sipped his 12-year-old single malt whisky, "especially on Valentine's Day. Having to buy your date all those flowers and chocolates and then she won't let you get into her panties anyways... stupid bitch."
Renfield's last Valentine's Day had been an even bigger fiasco than Bugsy Malone's 1929 Valentine's Day at the hands of Al Capone.
"You wanted to get into her panties?" Amadeus ate his chocolate covered Easter bunny, "I didn't know you had all these Bruce Jenner like urges."
"That's not what I meant by that metaphor, you idiot," Renfield spilled malt whisky all over himself in his rage.
Amadeus switched to another channel on the TV.
A film historian was giving a commentary on the 1933 American horror film The Vampire Bat that starred Lionell Atwill and Fay Wray.
Said the film historian, "Any resemblance between statements made by mad scientists in the Hollywood horror films of the 1930s and '40s and today's Transhumanist scientists is purely coincidental."
Renfield harrumphed as he used a copy of the 2013 Transhumanist Manifesto (that he had written) to dry himself off.
Amadeus switched to another channel where a theologian was being interviewed.
Said the theologian, "Any resemblance between the promises made by the serpent to Eve in the Garden of Eden ("Ye shall be as gods" and "Ye shall not die") and the promises made by Transhumanist thinkers today ("We shall be like gods" and "we shall not die") is purely coincidental ..."
"What a day I'm having," Renfield cried as a house fly got stuck to his whisky soaked copy of his Transhumanist Manifesto.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 8th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Amadeus Emanon was watching an adaptation of Agatha Christie's The Third Girl on BBC Television.
Hercule Poirot was standing on an estate balcony watching a man and a woman on the lawn kissing under the moonlight.
Said Poirot to the woman standing next to him on the balcony, "We are looking, Madame, at a mystery. The greatest mystery. The mystery that even I, Hercule Poirot, will never be able to solve. The mystery that is... the nature of Love."
"Love is a mystery?" Renfield looked up from the book of essays he was reading written by Ray Kurzweil, J. Craig Venter and other leading Transhumanist thinkers.
"Hercule Poirot says it is," Amadeus ate his Belgian waffles with strawberry syrup.
"It can be awfully expensive, I know," Renfield sipped his 12-year-old single malt whisky, "especially on Valentine's Day. Having to buy your date all those flowers and chocolates and then she won't let you get into her panties anyways... stupid bitch."
Renfield's last Valentine's Day had been an even bigger fiasco than Bugsy Malone's 1929 Valentine's Day at the hands of Al Capone.
"You wanted to get into her panties?" Amadeus ate his chocolate covered Easter bunny, "I didn't know you had all these Bruce Jenner like urges."
"That's not what I meant by that metaphor, you idiot," Renfield spilled malt whisky all over himself in his rage.
Amadeus switched to another channel on the TV.
A film historian was giving a commentary on the 1933 American horror film The Vampire Bat that starred Lionell Atwill and Fay Wray.
Said the film historian, "Any resemblance between statements made by mad scientists in the Hollywood horror films of the 1930s and '40s and today's Transhumanist scientists is purely coincidental."
Renfield harrumphed as he used a copy of the 2013 Transhumanist Manifesto (that he had written) to dry himself off.
Amadeus switched to another channel where a theologian was being interviewed.
Said the theologian, "Any resemblance between the promises made by the serpent to Eve in the Garden of Eden ("Ye shall be as gods" and "Ye shall not die") and the promises made by Transhumanist thinkers today ("We shall be like gods" and "we shall not die") is purely coincidental ..."
"What a day I'm having," Renfield cried as a house fly got stuck to his whisky soaked copy of his Transhumanist Manifesto.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 8th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Don Juan Rising: Man and Transhuman
Don Juan Rising: Man and Transhuman
Renfield R. Renfield the genetically created hamster/human Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was practicing a political speech in front of the living room's antique Louis XIV Sun King mirror much to his friend Amadeus Emanon's amusement.
A couple of years earlier, Renfield had founded the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party.
Unfortunately Renfield had not come up with the required number of signatures for his party to be recognized as a registered political party in Britain so he was unable to take part in recent leaders' election debates or in future leaders' election debates.
Thus not being a registered party, his candidates had to run as independent candidates in the UK's various constituencies.
Although there were not that many members of his Party running as candidates anyways.
There were only 10 other candidates running as independents on the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party platform throughout the United Kingdom's 650 constituencies.
Of these, 9 were thirty something in age long-haired and bearded science-fiction fans who were still living in their parents' basements.
The 10th was the Welsh Vampiress Morgana (a niece of the sorceress Morgan Le Fay) who was running as an independent on the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party platform against well-known far far Left backbench British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley (who unbeknownst to his constituents and the public at large was a werewolf) in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge.
Renfield himself was running as an Independent on the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party platform in the constituency of London Collingwood Hills where his boss the Vampire Set's colossal mansion was located.
The constituency had been a British Conservative Party stronghold for the past 70 years.
At an all-candidates' forum in the Constituency last week, Renfield extolled the virtues of living in a society where everybody had upgraded to the new Humanity 2.0 and had become Transhuman.
"It's the next step in our human evolution," Renfield waved a copy of The Origin of Species, "Charles Darwin, if he weren't dead, would have been so proud."
Renfield said that recent developments in the fields of genetics, robotics, artificial intelligence, nanotechnology and synthetic biology would allow everyone to become Transhuman.
"Think of where technology has taken us these past 100 years," Renfield enthused, "why 100 years ago only people who lived in your own neighbourhood or own town or city might have known that you're an idiot. But today thanks to advanced technology and social networking sites such as Twitter, YouTube and Facebook, you now have the chance to show the entire world what an idiot you are."
The remark did not go over too well for some reason.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 7th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Renfield R. Renfield the genetically created hamster/human Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was practicing a political speech in front of the living room's antique Louis XIV Sun King mirror much to his friend Amadeus Emanon's amusement.
A couple of years earlier, Renfield had founded the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party.
Unfortunately Renfield had not come up with the required number of signatures for his party to be recognized as a registered political party in Britain so he was unable to take part in recent leaders' election debates or in future leaders' election debates.
Thus not being a registered party, his candidates had to run as independent candidates in the UK's various constituencies.
Although there were not that many members of his Party running as candidates anyways.
There were only 10 other candidates running as independents on the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party platform throughout the United Kingdom's 650 constituencies.
Of these, 9 were thirty something in age long-haired and bearded science-fiction fans who were still living in their parents' basements.
The 10th was the Welsh Vampiress Morgana (a niece of the sorceress Morgan Le Fay) who was running as an independent on the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party platform against well-known far far Left backbench British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley (who unbeknownst to his constituents and the public at large was a werewolf) in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge.
Renfield himself was running as an Independent on the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party platform in the constituency of London Collingwood Hills where his boss the Vampire Set's colossal mansion was located.
The constituency had been a British Conservative Party stronghold for the past 70 years.
At an all-candidates' forum in the Constituency last week, Renfield extolled the virtues of living in a society where everybody had upgraded to the new Humanity 2.0 and had become Transhuman.
"It's the next step in our human evolution," Renfield waved a copy of The Origin of Species, "Charles Darwin, if he weren't dead, would have been so proud."
Renfield said that recent developments in the fields of genetics, robotics, artificial intelligence, nanotechnology and synthetic biology would allow everyone to become Transhuman.
"Think of where technology has taken us these past 100 years," Renfield enthused, "why 100 years ago only people who lived in your own neighbourhood or own town or city might have known that you're an idiot. But today thanks to advanced technology and social networking sites such as Twitter, YouTube and Facebook, you now have the chance to show the entire world what an idiot you are."
The remark did not go over too well for some reason.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 7th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Dr. Hannibal Lecter Roast of Justin Bieber
Dr. Hannibal Lecter Roast of Justin Bieber
Renfield R. Renfield had been in a bad mood the past couple of days.
The mood started when Renfield had tuned in to the Comedy Network on satellite television from North America a couple of days ago to watch his favourite program on that network Frasier.
Frasier was a TV comedy show from the 1990s about a Seattle radio talk show psychiatrist who dispensed psychiatric advice on the airwaves.
Renfield found the show quite hilarious.
But the show Frasier had been pre-empted by that talk show hosted by that unfunny asshole Jimmy Kimmel- the show called Jimmy Kimmel Live (even though a far more satisfactory show would be one bearing the title Jimmy Kimmel Dead).
Renfield deduced that the entire night's programming had been thrown into disarray by the Comedy Network hosting what it called The Roast of Justin Bieber that the Network had been monotonously yacking about in its commercials for the past month.
In the ads, it featured clips showing a bunch of losers that the intellectually challenged early 21st Century considered comedians telling a bunch of unfunny filthy mouthed insults about the planet's biggest spoiled brat male celebrity.
So Renfield had been as mad as Howard Beale when the news anchorman found out he was losing his job in the 1976 Paddy Chayefsky satirical film Network.
He finally drifted off to sleep where he dreamed of watching a program called Dr. Hannibal Lecter's Celebrity Roast of Justin Bieber.
Dr. Hannibal Lecter's Celebrity Roast of Justin Bieber was pre-empting the program Jimmy Kimmel Live after the show's host had been found dead in his dressing room killed by a hamster who was carrying a .44 Magnum.
On the show, Justin Bieber was screaming loudly (although his fans just thought he was singing a new song) as Dr. Hannibal Lecter poured gravy over his head while the blonde and heavily tattooed spoiled brat roasted away in a nice cozy steaming hot cauldron.
Dr. Lecter (putting on a pair of surgical gloves): And now it's time to put the stuffing up this turkey's rear end...
(Justin Bieber started screaming even more loudly)
Renfield smiled in his sleep.
He was enjoying this show thoroughly.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 1st
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Renfield R. Renfield had been in a bad mood the past couple of days.
The mood started when Renfield had tuned in to the Comedy Network on satellite television from North America a couple of days ago to watch his favourite program on that network Frasier.
Frasier was a TV comedy show from the 1990s about a Seattle radio talk show psychiatrist who dispensed psychiatric advice on the airwaves.
Renfield found the show quite hilarious.
But the show Frasier had been pre-empted by that talk show hosted by that unfunny asshole Jimmy Kimmel- the show called Jimmy Kimmel Live (even though a far more satisfactory show would be one bearing the title Jimmy Kimmel Dead).
Renfield deduced that the entire night's programming had been thrown into disarray by the Comedy Network hosting what it called The Roast of Justin Bieber that the Network had been monotonously yacking about in its commercials for the past month.
In the ads, it featured clips showing a bunch of losers that the intellectually challenged early 21st Century considered comedians telling a bunch of unfunny filthy mouthed insults about the planet's biggest spoiled brat male celebrity.
So Renfield had been as mad as Howard Beale when the news anchorman found out he was losing his job in the 1976 Paddy Chayefsky satirical film Network.
He finally drifted off to sleep where he dreamed of watching a program called Dr. Hannibal Lecter's Celebrity Roast of Justin Bieber.
Dr. Hannibal Lecter's Celebrity Roast of Justin Bieber was pre-empting the program Jimmy Kimmel Live after the show's host had been found dead in his dressing room killed by a hamster who was carrying a .44 Magnum.
On the show, Justin Bieber was screaming loudly (although his fans just thought he was singing a new song) as Dr. Hannibal Lecter poured gravy over his head while the blonde and heavily tattooed spoiled brat roasted away in a nice cozy steaming hot cauldron.
Dr. Lecter (putting on a pair of surgical gloves): And now it's time to put the stuffing up this turkey's rear end...
(Justin Bieber started screaming even more loudly)
Renfield smiled in his sleep.
He was enjoying this show thoroughly.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 1st
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
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