Hey Drac-Man! Give Me 20-Five!

Hey Drac-Man! Give Me 20-Five!

Prologue to the Drac 25: The terms "the Drac" and "the Drac-Man" were nicknames given to me by my friend Lin Ross a very talented New York City writer and poet whom I met at another blogging site.

The Drac 25:

1. Ever since Sazzy tagged me
I found a new place to dwell
down at the end of Random Street
in a place called Hell.

-And speaking of Hell, Dante's Inferno is one of the Drac-Man's favourite pieces of literature.


2. One for the money
TWO (2.) for the show...

-And speaking of shows, the Drac-Man's favourite TV show is Smallville- a show about the young Superman and the young Clark Kent and the young Lana Lang and the young Lois Lane and the young Chloe Sullivan (who alas doesn't show up anywhere else in the Superman canon).

The Drac-Man has had dreams about kissing the actresses who play all these women.
In fact, Allison Mack who plays Chloe Sullivan was the inspiration for Dracul Van Helsing's
next door neighbour Carmen in the opening chapters of the Drac-Man's novel entitled
Dracul Van Helsing.


3. THREE to get ready
and four to go...

-Before you GO, get READY for the next random fact about the Drac-Man...
(the Drac-Man likes to tease... ;)


4. You gotta rock around the clock tonight
You gotta rock rock rock in broad daylight
You gotta rock around the clock tonight

-And speaking of rockin' and music,
the Drac Man's 4 favourite pieces of music are-
Beethoven's Song of Joy, Bach's Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring, Vivaldi's The 4 Seasons
and Mozart's Ein Klein Nachtmusik.
The Drac-Man's 4 favourite male singers are-
Josh Groban, Richard Marx, Sir Elton John and Harry Belafonte.
The Drac-Man's 4 favourite female singers are-
Moritaka Chisato, Aya Matsuura, Nelly Furtado and Belinda Carlisle
The Drac-Man's 4 favourite bands are-
The Beatles, ABBA, Glenn Miller and His Orchestra, and The Irish Rovers.

5. The number 5
doesn't that jive?

And speaking of Jive, the Drac-Man is a big fan of 1940s Swing music.


6. Six, six, six...

And speaking of 666, the Drac-Man doesn't think Barack Obama is the Antichrist like a few nuts in North America do.


7. Seven, seven, seven
ain't it Heaven...

Love is heaven

L- is for the way you Look at me
O- is for the Only One i see
V- is Very Very extraordinary
E- is Even more than anyone that you adore

The Drac-Man has loved (or more accurately had crushes on) the following women in his life:
Merle Oberon, Jennifer Lopez, Salma Hayek, Aishwarya Rai, Ziyi Zhang, Gong Li, Beyonce Knowles, Nelly Furtado.

And most recently, Rita Hayworth (interestingly enough once married to the Drac-Man's moviemaking idol Orson Welles) whom the Drac-Man first encountered in a video clip posted here at Fropper in which Rita was dancing with Fred Astaire. The Drac-Man smitten with love (in the same way a police detective was smitten with love after seeing a portrait of a woman in the 1944 film noir movie Laura that starred Gene Tierney and Dana Andrews) wishes he could go back in time to meet Rita Hayworth. He has since watched the Rita Hayworth movies Gilda and also Affair In Trinidad. He'd watch more if they posted more Rita Hayworth movies at YouTube.


8. Eight, eight, eight
ate, ate, ate...

And speaking of 8 and ate, the Drac-Man has once eaten octopus (which as we know is an eight legged creature). The Drac-Man rather enjoyed it.


9. Nine, nine, nine
Behind, behind, behind...

The Drac-Man has to admit he enjoys looking at a beautiful woman's tight skirted behind if she's wearing a tight fitting skirt or dress.


10. Some enchanted evening
you will meet a stranger
a very special stranger...

The Drac-Man's perfect 10 in his mind is that enchanted evening he will meet that special stranger who will become the special woman in his life.

11. The Harry Potter books started with Harry Potter at the age of 11 (Harry Potter and The
Philosopher's Stome).

The Drac-Man is a big fan of the Harry Potter books.

12. Twelfth Night is the name of a play by William Shakespeare.

William Shakespeare is the Drac-Man's favourite playwright.

13. The Drac-Man must confess that he has that phobia where one is afraid of the day Friday
the 13th. I believe there's a name for that which is long and unpronounceable.

Perhaps a doctor will write a prescription in iillegible handwriting for the Drac-Man's problem
and the pharmacist will hire a psychopath wearing a hockey goalie mask to bump the Drac-Man off which is what the Drac-Man fears will happen to him on Friday the 13th.
Shock aversion therapy at its most extreme!

14. Larry King: Ladies and gentlemen, our guest for tonight is Dracul Van Helsing also known as
the Drac-Man.

It has always been a dream of the Drac-Man to appear on the Larry King Show.

15. Larry King: How did you get the name Dracul Van Helsing?

Drac-Man: Well, Dracul Van Helsing is the same name as the lead character in my vampire
novel. Dracul Van Helsing's mother in the novel was a Romanian Communist and since she was a Communist, she naturally believed in the concept of Hegelian synthesis. So she named her son Dracul Van Helsing because Dracula (thesis) + Van Helsing (antithesis) = Dracul Van Helsing (synthesis).

Larry King: So you just adopted the same name as your character in your writing.

Drac-Man: Exactly. There was a writer back in the 1930s who called himself by the same name as his detective character, Ellery Queen. Although in my opinon, the name Ellery Queen would be more suitable for a male Tina Turner impersonator than it is for a detective.

16. Sixteen candles...

And speaking of 16, Dracul still remembers with great fondness a girl he met when he was 16. The girl was named Darien.

17. Larry King: So how did you become interested in vampires?

Dracul Van Helsing: Well, I think the more proper question to ask is how did the Drac-Man become interested in vampiresses. When the Drac-Man was about 10 or so, one of the late shows on TV used to run Hammer Studios' horror films. And the vampiresses who used to appear in these films were all quite sexy and gorgeous and used to wear classy and beautifully coloured low-cut dresses and had great heaving bosoms- all these vampiresses. So the young Dracul would go to sleep at night dreaming of being bitten by all these lovely vampiresses in their elegant low-cut dresses with their heaving bosoms.

Larry King: And did they have vampiric fangs when they bit you?

Dracul Van Helsing: Yes, the Drac-Man finds vampiric fangs on a beautiful woman in a beautiful low-cut dress with heaving bosoms to be a sexual turn-on.

Larry King: Well, if you don't mind me saying so, Dracul Van Helsing, I think that's a bit weird.


18. The Drac-Man enjoys reading the witty dialogue and banter of Oscar Wilde- a great writer of the EIGHTEEN-hundreds (1800s).

19. Larry King (lying on the floor and moaning and groaning) : Dracul Van Helsing, you just kicked me in the balls.

Dracul Van Helsing: That's because you called me weird.

The Drac-Man has a short fuse at times.

20. The Drac-Man's favourite motion picture director is Orson Welles. He'd like to direct a motion picture someday.

21. Larry King: So Orson Welles is your favourite director? Have you seen all his movies?

Dracul Van Helsing: No, I haven't. I've yet to see The Magnificent Ambersons.

Larry King: The Magnificent Ambersons. That was about a family that was still clinging to horses and buggies- even when they were living well into the age of the automobile.

Dracul Van Helsing: That's right.

Speaking of people like the magnificent Ambersons who might be living in the 21st century, neither the Drac-Man nor his father George have ever owned or carried a cell phone with them in their lives.
They have never had and still do not have cable or satellite television on their TVs.
If the Drac wants to watch a special event that's only available on cable or satellite, he'll walk up to the neighbourhood pub to watch it.

22. The Drac often likes to hum songs. One of the songs he hums is ABBA's The Dancing Queen.

The lyrics go,

Dancing queen
only seventeen...

You know if you add to 17 to 22 (the number of this current random fact), you'll get 39.

There was once a movie called The 39 Steps which was made by Alfred Hitchcock.

Alfred Hitchcock is the Drac-Man's 2nd favourite motion picture director.

23. Canadian comic actor Jim Carrey once starred in a film called The Number 23.

And the Drac-Man's favourite actor of all time was another Canadian comic actor- John Candy.
Drac is a really big fan of John Candy movies.

24. Dracul would like to mention he finds his furry friend with big floppy ears who hangs out in his yard- Jack O' Hare as Drac calls him to be a tremendous inspiration to his short stories and poetry.

25. Travelling in an antique land
across a stretch of burning sand
a caravan came into view
Destination: Timbuktu

Among the destinations Dracul would like to visit over the next couple of years are
Tokyo, Rome, Paris, New York, Los Angeles and surprisingly Fresno, California (although to those who know the Drac-Man well, that might not be such a surprise).

A Passion So Sweet

The silence of the night
the gentle whispers of dawn
the candle burns so bright
casting shadows on the wall.

And the music is playing
as your body is swaying
your scent fills the room
as you cross
to where I'm laying.

The warm embraces
the kiss of your lips
as you caress my back
with your fingertips.

When oceans meet
where rivers part
such is the day
you captured my heart.

I've longed for this moment
where we become one
Paradise's moment
this new heavenly sun.

Touch upon touch
taste upon taste
this heavenly nectar
shall not go to waste.

The fires they burn
our feelings churn
an explosion of sense
beyond time and space
with my goddess adorned
in sweet silk and lace.

At such a time
hearts begin to race
and yet we quicken
and quicken the pace.

O heavenly nova!
Beyond solar bliss
all that matter and energy
in one embracing kiss.

Like a geyser ascending
like a waterfall descending
wildrapid waters
forever cascade.


And then in the morn
with you in my arms
I reach out and touch you
to embrace again your charms.



-written by Dracul Van Helsing
Wednesday, March 25th 2009

What Is It About A Rose?

To a lover, friend or dear one
a rose brings a smile
while the cynic says
it whithers and dies
and goes out of style.
It's not everlasting
and neither is love
so throw a pebble
at the snow white dove.

But on a summer day
down by Courtney's Way
as one looks across the fields
to see what beckons and yields
it's the roses that draws one's eye
beneath this vast clear blue sky
coloured in glorious apparel
red. orange, blue and yellow
their glory is unsurpassed
bright stars amidst the grass
and yet tomorrow they die
while the thorns live on and on.

And so it is with life and friends
it seems the roses are gone all too quick
while thorns remain
with their searing pain
and all that makes one sick
But it is the roses that stand out
they may last but an hour and a day
but it's the rose that stays in your mind
when you've finished your journey's way.



-written by Dracul Van Helsing
Monday, March 23rd, 2009

Seeking Out New Worlds

Sometimes in the middle of the day
in the midst of work or play
I catch a glimpse of you
who you are
I do not know
but I catch a glimpse of you.

It is in my mind's eye
I catch this glimpse
of my unknown friend
who you are
I do not know
but you are there somewhere
and when things seem
to be going down
I see you with your smile
never a frown.

One day I hope
we'll meet face to face
and no longer in my mind's eye
and when that day comes
a new world will have begun.

Cannibal's Home Recipes

Hector smiled as the homeless man fell face forward into the soup.

The soup was heavy laden with arsenic.

Hector then dragged the man into his bathtub where he had a huge chainsaw and proceeded to cut the man up. The head, arms and torso he wrapped up in tiny packages and put downstairs in the freezer.

He was feeling like some thighs and legs tonight for dinner so that's what he had.

Hector had been into cannibalism for some five years now.

It had started when he had been stranded in a log cabin in the woods during a snowstorm and the only books he had to read were Silence of The Lambs and Hannibal Rising by Thomas Harris.

He had had nothing to eat during those 3 days he was stranded so when a rescue party arrived, he rewarded his rescuers by knocking them on the head and promptly eating them.

The first couple of years of his new found appetite had been difficult.

For Hector had made the mistake of knocking off and eating some of his acquaintances.

The police would then be around asking annoying questions about the disappeared.

But by concentrating on total strangers and knocking them off and eating them, he discovered no nosy police detectives would come to his house.

Hector cooked the homeless man's thighs and legs in a garlic and olive oil sauce laced with a touch of paprika. It was absolutely delicious.

When he had finished eating, Hector belched loudly and decided to go for a walk to ease his digestion.

While walking through the neighbourhood, he happened to come across a new vegetarian restaurant. For some reason, despite the heavy meal he had eaten, Hector felt a sudden craving for vegetarian food.

He walked inside the restaurant and ordered a salad.

The restaurant was a small place and over the counter was a small TV set.

The Larry King Show was on.

Larry: So we are continuing our conversation with Gabby Mugabe the noted African voodoo witch doctor. Mr. Mugabe, will you be willing to give us a demonstration of your powers?

Gabby Mugabe: Certainly, in this city, I call on all murder victims who have been murdered in the past 24 hours to come back to life.

20 minutes later, a woman who had been sitting at the table by the window suddenly screamed.

There outside a headless torso and arms could be seen rolling down the street.

A frost covered head followed along.


The body parts stopped outside the door of the vegetarian restaurant.

Hector meanwhile was undergoing what he thought was the worst case of indigestion in his life.

It felt like his guts were literally being ripped open.

Which is what they were.

A pair of human legs ripped their way out of Hector's stomach.

Hector naturally died as a result of this occuring.

The arms that were outside managed to get the door of the vegetarian restaurant open.

And soon head, torso, arms and legs were reunited and the walking dead man walked down the street.

Meanwhile Hector lay dead on the floor with his guts ripped open.

"Must have been something he ate," the local newspaper's restaurant reviewer and food critic stated.

That night, dozens of people who had been in that restaurant swore off the vegetarian lifestyle.


The End.

The Bunny Machine

They called him the Bunny Machine
this creature snow white clean
in winter that is
say what gives?
In summer he's brown
this hare about town.

How does Richard Dawkins explain it?
Suggests intelligent design d'aint it?
But Darwinists must resort to illogic and Hume*
laying their brains down at Reason's tomb.
From inanimate life comes life
and then with little more strife
comes fins then legs
and then birds' eggs
from amoeba to frog
and someday a prince
from gorilla to a man
using dental rinse.
In childhood we called these fairy tales
but for evolutionists
it's evidence that tips the scales.

But Jack O'Hare hops and hops
his big bunny ears flops and flops
his colours protect in winter and summer
the fox sighs, what a bummer
and Richard Dawkins
looks dumber and dumber.



-written by Dracul Van Helsing
Wednesday, March 11th 2009



*Hume- a reference to David Hume a totally idiotic philosopher of the 18th Century
and therefore a big hero of Richard Dawkins.

The Abominable Snowman

Sir Hilary Edmund was climbing in the Himalayas.

He wasn't seeking to climb Mount Everest.

Loads of people had already done that.

He was in search of the Abominable Snowman- that strange creature of Nepalese and Tibetan folklore- the creature called the Yeti.

Sir Hilary Edmund had spent his life searching for monsters and strange beasts.

He had spent time in northern Washington state and southern British Columbia searching for the Sasquatch.

He had spent time in Scotland searching for the Loch Ness monster.

And he had spent time in Hollywood searching for Paris Hilton's singing voice.

But alas! It had all come to nought.

But this time it was different- he felt. This time he felt that he would come face to face with the Abominable Snowman.

Edmund turned the corner of the mountain trail...

... and there was the abominable snowman...

"Good God," Edmund exclaimed.


The buttons on the snowman sort of resembled eyes kinda, the carrot on the snowman sort of resembled a nose kinda, and the black felt etching below the nose sort of resembled a mouth kinda, the corn cobs sticking out of the side of the head sort of resembled ears kinda, and the black top hat on the top of his head sort of resembled a black top hat kinda. The scarf tied around the neck of the snowman had colours that were sort of a cross between expressionism and cubism. At the feet of the snowman lay a Campbelll's soup can personally autographed by Andy Warhol.

Sir Hilary Edmund's Nepalese guide translated the inscription below the snowman into English for Edmund, "This snowman was made in 1965 by students of the New York School of Modern Art
and has stood perfectly preserved in these temperatures ever since."

Sir Hilary Edmund trudged back down the mountain again.

He had some idea of how Clementine Churchill must have felt when a modern art sculptor unveiled a bust he had done of her husband Sir Winston Churchill.

Winnie himself had humourously and accurately quipped at the time, "A most remarkable example of... modern... art."

Clementine wasn't so forgiving.

After Winston's death, she ordered the sculpture destroyed.

How sad for the future of good taste in art, Sir Hilary Edmund reflected, that this world's most abominable snowman hadn't had a wife.



The End.

George Eliot's Villains and Heroes

The latest BBC-TV DVDs that my dad and I have been watching are the BBC -TV adaptations of 19th Century British writer George Eliot's novels.

So far, we've watched 3 in the series- Daniel Deronda, Silas Marner, The Mill On The Floss.

I've never read any of George Eliot's novels. I read the Classic Comics edition of Silas Marner when I was a kid.

But watching the series, I can tell that George Eliot was an excellent observer of human nature and an adept profiler of people's characters.

Because all the characters you can see in these shows come across as being real people- even the minor characters.

When I watched the BBC-TV adaptation of Daniel Deronda, there was one scene that particularly stuck out in my mind.

As I say, I had never read Daniel Deronda.

So consequently, I didn't know what any of the characters were like ahead of time.

But there was one extremely clever scene of one of the characters in the story- Henleigh Grandcourt.

I had no idea what Henleigh Grandcourt was like. This scene was one of the first introductions to him.

At first the scene comes across as being quite comical. There's a little white furry dog jumping into the air trying to get a biscuit from Grandcourt's hands.

The scene showed the dog leaping into the air about 4 or 5 times trying to get the biscuit.

I laughed when I first saw the scene because it reminded me of a little furry white dog called Tamber that my sister used to own. Tamber would often leap into the air in such a manner trying to get at a treat.

But then the really disturbing part came after the 5th time this little furry white dog of Grandcourt leapt into the air. The little dog almost had the biscuit. You could tell on the 6th attempt that the little dog was going to get the biscuit.

But then just as the little dog leaps into the air for the 6th time, Grandcourt takes the cookie away.

And then the camera pans in on to Grandcourt's lap where there's apparently another little dog lying.

Grandcourt takes the biscuit and gives it to the little dog on his lap who promptly chews it up.

The little dog on Grandcourt's lap has exerted no effort to get at the biscuit.

And the little dog who has leapt into the air trying to get at the biscuit receives nothing.

That little scene said so much.

From that one little scene, I could determine right then and there that this character Henleigh Grandcourt was an a--hole.


And so he turned out to be.

He was a brutal and controlling individual.

He had an affair with one woman and several children by her but he never married her.

Instead he married the woman that every man in the district was after- Gwendoline.

But even Gwendoline he doesn't really love. Gwendoline you see was a free spirit and Grandcourt wanted to marry her (since every other single man wanted her) and then he wanted to use marriage to control her and break her spirit.

He just married her basically the way one would capture a small wild bird and then stick it in a gilded cage but it was still a cage.

I'd recommend seeing this series or reading the book if you have not done so.

There is a genuinely heroic figure in the story- Daniel Deronda- who saves a woman from drowning herself in the river- and then saves another woman- Gwendoline- by giving her the hope and courage to recover her true sense of self that was slowly being stifled under Grandcourt's control.

Silas Marner was another good story.

It turns out Silas Marner was a heroic figure as well.

But a heroic figure that more of us could relate to better than Daniel Deronda.

For it seemed that Daniel Deronda was always a genuinely good person.

We meet and encounter such people in our lives.

Such people are extremely rare individuals though.

But somehow being in the presence of such people allows us to recapture and rekindle whatever goodness we have in ourselves that many of us have buried while living and coping in the real world.

Silas Marner was a man who seemed to have everything going for him. He had friends. He was a respected member of a church. He had a young woman he liked and wanted to marry.

Then Silas is falsely accused of theft. The church he attends turns his back on him and casts him out of the congregation.

The woman he wants to marry is seen going off with the man who in all probability is the real thief.

So Silas leaves and goes to another town in another part of England.

A weaver by trade, Silas prospers at his occupation but having been so previously hurt in human relationships by the way he was treated in the other town, Silas shuts himself off from most human contact and the only thing he cares about is the money that he is saving for himself under a brick in his cottage floor.

Then one night his money is stolen and Silas seems to have lost everything.

Silas now seems broken in spirit.

But a couple of weeks later, a woman carrying a small child walks through the forest wanting to get to the village church hoping to confront the child's father who has refused to publicly acknowledge his child.

But it's a cold snowy night and the woman collapses in the snow where she eventually freezes to death.

The child wanders through the snow and finds Silas' cottage door open.

She walks in and goes to sleep by the fireplace.

Silas returns home and seeing the child's blond curls by the fireplace thinks that his gold has returned.

Instead it's a child.

The father of the child does not step up to the plate when the mother's body is discovered (because he wants to marry someone else and now that the woman whom he had secretly married when she became pregnant is now dead- this man Godfrey Cass is now free to marry whom he will).

Silas it turns out becomes a good and loving father to the child he has named Eppie.

The Marner household is not extravagant or luxurious but it's comfortable. Eppie has enough food to eat and enough clothes to wear.

And she is raised in an atmosphere of love.

When Eppie turns 16, then Godfrey Cass decides to become a man for the first time in his life and acknowledge the child as his own.

He wants to take her away from Silas who has raised her and looked after her all these years.

I'll let you read the story or watch the film yourself to let you know how it ends.

For my real purpose in writing these reviews was to give you a sense of the villains and the heroes to be found in George Eliot's (real name Mary Ann Evans') works.

There is Daniel Deronda- a truly good man. A natural hero.

Silas Marner- a good man but one who turns his back on human relationships when he's hurt by the world. God saves Marner's soul by offering him a real treasure in the form of a precious child to love and raise.

Godfrey Cass- a bit of a cad but not a total rake like his brother Dunstan Cass was (Dunstan was the man who stole Silas' money). Godfrey was married albeit secretly to the woman he had impregnated (unlike Grandcourt in the story of Daniel Deronda). His real sin was more moral cowardice than outright villainy.

Henleigh Grandcourt- a total villain. A controlling and domineering individual whose sheer pleasure in life is to totally dominate and control and humiliate other people.

I'm sure we've all come across people like Daniel Deronda, Silas Marner, Godfrey Cass and Henleigh Grandcourt in our lives.

And George Eliot does an excellent job of capturing the essences of these heroes and villains we encounter along the road that is life.

Nathan De Burgh Polar Bear Private Eye In Toronto

Nathan De Burgh was in the Big "T"
looking for parking that was free
so he drove on to the 404
left his car and shut the door
walked right past the traffic jam
stopped at Denny's for their Grand Slam.


He was searching for the Big Cheese
that and a jug of antifreeze
for it seemed colder in the Big T.O.
(no need to worry about B.O.)
than it was at the North Pole
with Santa's many bags of coal.


Walking along the shores of Lake Ontario
he met a transvestite fairy-o
who fancied himself a Pharaoh
what a drag
of an Egyptian hag
Enough to make Nathan gag.

Then Nathan saw the CN Tower
where CBC bores the Canadian nation
with their dull old News Hour
and after buying pancake flour
Nathan poured on his pedal power
and roller skated on to the 404
just as traffic started moving
past his door.

A honk behind him
Nathan gave the finger
and then hit the pedal
shouting "Kiss my ringer!".

And such was Nathan's visit to Toronto
his next stop?
New Delhi or the Congo?


The End.