Streets of Metropolis Flow Blood Red

Towering skyscrapers
but a recession below
zombies trudge
beneath the sunset's glow.

Vampires fly in the night air
werewolves gnaw and tear
the streets of Metropolis flow blood red
on this night of the living dead.

Shiva may dance at the core of the atom
and up rises the Babylonian Mammon
demon god of commerce and trade
Wall Street guardian of financial aid.

And Quetzalcoatl has developed a new flu
he's a serpent through and through
feathered and plumed
with Mexico doomed
his talons grab the rest of the world
and Hell on earth has unfurled.


-A poem written by
Dracul Van Helsing
April 27th, 2009

If You Had A Million Dollars, You'd Be Rich?

The London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was having a night time meeting with his stock broker.

"Ummm... Mr. Set," Charles Rodney Tuppingham swallowed hard, "I have some very bad news for you."

Set scratched the arms of his Louis XIV armchair with his talons.

As he did so, his valet and proper English gentleman Athelstan winced.

"And what is this bad news?" Set inquired in a deep eerie voice that sounded like it came from the pits of Hell itself.

"Well, as you know since last September, the world has been in a deep economic downturn... " Tuppingham immediately stopped talking when Set grabbed the broker's throat with one of his taloned hands.

"I'm well aware of the fact that we are in the worst recession since the Great Depression of the 1930s," Set hissed and then let go of Tuppingham's throat.

"Of course, you're aware of that, Mr. Set," Tuppingham rubbed his throat, "well, needless to say your investments have taken quite the hit so when we tally the state of your investments, you're... er... currently closer to being a multimillionaire than you are a billionaire."

On the other side of London, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown dropped his teacup when he heard a huge animalistic cry that seemed to shake all of London.

To be continued.

Stakes and Stilettos

"What are we doing standing on this beach in the middle of the pouring rain anyways?" Amadeus asked Renfield while he was busy licking a popsicle.

"Set Enterprises intercepted an email message to Dracul Van Helsing from what we thought was Gregorio Palamas' Yahoo account," Renfield explained, "only I just got a text message on my Blackberry saying that it turns out the email was sent from a public library in this town."

"Gregorio Palamas should use gmail instead of Yahoo," Amadeus carefully placed the popsicle wrapper into a garbage container on the beach, "they have a lot better built in security features. Less prone to hacking."

"So anyways since that message was not from Gregorio Palamas the President of the International Federation of Vampire Hunters," Renfield shivered in the cold wet drizzle, "in all probability what Dracul Van Helsing and Hyung Grace Kwan are doing in that lighthouse is of no concern to us."

"So we have no place in the lighthouses of the nation?" Amadeus paraphrased a well known Canadian Marxist, "Yet I imagine they're a lot warmer than we are." He was starting to feel the cold as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a fudgesicle.

Inside the lighthouse, Hyung Grace Kwan had tied up the brunette vampiress and was about to stake her.

"I think we should give the poor woman a chance and let her find out who she is before you bump her off," Dracul suggested.

"You've always had a soft heart when it comes to beautiful vampiresses," Hyung glared at Dracul, "in fact while you've killed tens of thousands of vampires, I don't think you've ever killed a beautiful vampiress have you?".

"No," Dracul agreed, "I've killed several ugly ones but never a beautiful vampiress."

"One thing before I stake you," Hyung looked down at the woman's stilettos, "I'm dying to know where you bought your shoes?".

"I can't remember," the vampiress said, "I must have bought them before I developed amnesia."

"All right," Hyung put the stake down, "we'll help you to find out who you are but only because I have to know where you bought your shoes so I can get myself a pair."


To be continued.

Tussle With A Vampiress

"What are you doing here anyways?" Hyung Grace Kwan asked the brunette vampiress as she gave her a spanking.

"I've come to see Dracul Van Helsing," the vampiress locked Hyung into a bear hug.

"Was it you who sent us that message asking us to come to the lighthouse?" Dracul Van Helsing asked as he dipped a potato chip into the French Onion chip dip.

"Yes, it was," the vampiress tried to put Hyung's hands into a pair of handcuffs.

"Why?" Dracul asked.

"I saw you on the Jay Leno Show last week," the vampiress started to tie ropes around Hyung, "talking about vampires and vampiresses. And I wanted to speak to you."

"Speak to me?" Dracul poured himself a glass of chardonay wine, "about what?".

"To find out who I am," the brunette vampiress suddenly found herself in an armlock by Hyung who managed to get out of the handcuffs and ropes.

"To find out who you are?" Dracul gazed at the vampiress, "but I'll have you know I'm not a psychiatrist nor a motivational guru."

"I don't need those," the vampiress answered, "You don't understand... I'm a vampiress with amnesia."

"If you're a vampiress with amnesia, how do you know you're a vampiress?" Dracul asked.

"Well, you see it's like this... umfff.... umfff... umfff..." the vampiress sputtered.

"Hyung would you mind taking that ball gag out of her mouth?" Dracul pointed, "I can't understand a word she's saying."

Hyung sighed and removed the ball gag.

"Maybe later," the vampiress winked at Hyung and then turned to Dracul, "I arrived in this town a couple of months ago not knowing who I was. To support myself, I gathered seashells and sold them. I also discovered I only felt truly alive at night. And when my hand turned skeletal one morning with an extremely severe searing sunburn when I tried to walk out of my cheap motel room, that's when I realized there was something different about me. Well that and the fact that the town dentist said he couldn't really do anything about these," she pointed to her vampiric incisors, "plus I found the need to give extreme hickeys to people and take their blood. Then when I saw you on Jay Leno last Thursday talking about vampires and vampiresses and their characteristics, I put two and two together and got four."

"You put two and two together and got four?" Dracul bit his thumb thoughtfully, "then whoever you are, you must have
received schooling before the advent of John Dewey's influence on public education since most modern graduates are unable to do that."


To be continued.

Steaming Up The Lighthouse and Text On The Beach

"I touch myself, I want you to love me," the brunette vampiress with the bucket of seashells sang the hit song from The Divinyls as she floated through the door.

"Well, that's interesting to know," Dracul smiled, "but shouldn't we be formally introduced first?".

"How do you know she wasn't talking to me?" Hyung adjusted her bra.

"I love it when you do that," Dracul gazed at Hyung, "and as Roger Whittaker used to sing 'I can feel a new tomorrow coming on'. "

"The sun will come out tomorrow," the vampiress then added her own lyrics to the song from Annie, "although it seems to have popped out a lot sooner."

Dracul picked up his trenchcoat and held it in front of himself.

"Why do I feel like I'm in a sleazy adult cinema?" Hyung asked.

Outside on the beach, Amadeus asked Renfield, "What does coitus interruptus mean?".

"What?" Renfield gazed at Amadeus, "where did you get that expression?".

"It's this guy I'm following on Twitter," Amadeus was looking down at his iPhone, "he puts Latin expressions for his updates in answering the question What are you doing now?".

"My Latin is a little rusty these days," Renfield avoided answering.

"J. K. Rowling the author of Harry Potter is on Twitter," Amadeus noted, "she knows Latin. Maybe I should send her a text message asking her what it means."

"Why don't you do that?" Renfield suggested.

Inside the lighthouse, Hyung Grace Kwan and the brunette vampiress were engaged in a huge catfight, skirts and heels flying in every direction.

"This is better than a movie," Dracul Van Helsing settled down on to the sofa with some hot buttered popcorn to watch the fight, "particularly since the television doesn't seem to be working."

To be continued.

A Voice In The Night

"I hear singing," Hyung held her ear to the window.

"Singing?" Dracul paused, "you hear singing in the middle of this loud pouring rain?".

"I guess it's not coming from outside," Hyung stated.

"It isn't Amadeus out there singing 'I was walking in Memphis in the middle of the pouring rain' and Renfield is replying something to the effect of 'You idiot, we're thousands of miles away from Memphis'?" Dracul queried.

Coincidentally enough, those very words were being spoken outside on the beach.

"So I guess we won't be seeing the ghost of Elvis then?" Amadeus asked Renfield.

Inside the lighthouse, Hyung said, "It sounded like a woman's voice singing. A soft feminine operatic style voice. With an Italian lilt to it."

"And it was coming from outside?" Dracul asked.

"No," Hyung looked at Dracul, "it's coming up the staircase."


To be continued.

Pearly Whites and Oysters

"You know," Hyung brushed her hair, "it's strange that Gregorio hasn't called us yet to tell us what our mission is supposed to be spending the night in this lighthouse."

"That is strange," Dracul admitted, "Gregorio is usually so on top of everything."

Hyung picked up her Samsung cell phone, "I think I'll give him a call and find out what this is all about."

Outside on the windswept rainswept seashore, the mysterious woman in the black evening dress had located some oyster shells.

"Here's some," the woman proudly smiled.

"Great," Amadeus grabbed them and banged them open on a large rock and then swallowed the oysters.

"Ahem," the woman looked at Amadeus.

"Say, boss," Amadeus looked at Renfield, "would you mind paying the woman?".

"Me?!" Renfield looked shell shocked.

"I didn't bring any money with me," Amadeus explained.

Renfield reached into his pocket and paid the woman.

She smiled and continued to walk along the beach.

"You know oysters are great with lemons," Amadeus sighed in ecstasy, "you don't happen to see any lemons around here, do you?".

At that moment, a couple of old Chrysler K-Cars from the 1980s washed up on the beach.

Back in the lighthouse, Hyung put down her cell phone and looked at Dracul, "That's strange, Gregorio said he never sent us any message telling us to spend the night in this lighthouse."

"That is strange," Dracul bit his lip, "so who would want us here?".

The woman in the black evening dress and high-heeled shoes who carried the bucket of seashells walked up the steps towards the lighthouse.

She smiled a sweet smile showing her teeth as she did so. A couple of pearly white beautiful vampiric incisors seemed to glisten in the rain.

To be continued.

She Sells Seashells By The Seashore

Hyung Grace Kwan looked out the window again.

"It appears Renfield is standing on the shore shivering while Amadeus is calmly rowing the boat ashore," Hyung commented.

"Speaking of stuff like that, you never hear the song Michael Rowed The Boat Ashore much on the radio anymore," Dracul noted.

"Thank you for that observation," Hyung laughed, "the world would be a lot duller place without your ability to bring in trivia from out of left field."

"Well actually my friend Jack Morrow is the expert when it comes to baseball trivia," Dracul took a sip of his Coke.

"Dracul, shut up," she kicked him with her spiked stiletto.

Down on the beach, Renfield was shouting, "That's the last time I'm taking any advice from you, Amadeus."

As the waves crashed mightily on to the beach bringing Amadeus and the boat ever closer to shore, a pretty young brunette woman wearing a black evening dress was walking along the shore. She struggled in her high-heeled shoes and was totally oblivious to the weather around her.

She was carrying a large bucket filled with seashells.

"Seashells for sale," she called in a lilting Italian soprano operatic style voice, "seashells for sale. Buy your seashells and listen to the sound of the ocean. Buy your seashells and listen to the sound of the ocean."

"Say, boss," Amadeus called out to Renfield while he stopped rowing to sip from a jug of milk in his coat pocket, "can you buy one of those seashells for me? You're a lot closer to the shore than I am at the moment. I'd like to get one of those to listen to the sound of the ocean."

As the ocean waves crashed around Renfield with a mighty roar, Renfield shouted angrily, "You idiot, if you want to listen to the sound of the ocean, just listen to what's around you."

Amadeus smiled, "Good point. I better turn down my iPod so I can hear it."

"Seashells, Signor?" the woman stopped in front of Renfield.

"Forgive me for asking but what are you doing out on a breezy, rainy, windswept stormy night like this walking along on the beach in what seems to me near tsunami conditions?" Renfield queried.

"Selling seashells," the woman replied.

"Technically speaking," Amadeus called out from the boat, "while this is a night of raging sea and high waves, it still really wouldn't qualify as a tsunami. A tsunami occurs when..."

"Amadeus, shut up," Renfield barked.

"No seashells, Signor?" the woman smiled.

"No," Renfield shook his head.

"Ask her if she's got any oysters," Amadeus wiped some milk off his chin, "I've got a craving for oysters at the moment."

"Any oysters?" Renfield buried his head in his hands.

"I think I may have some down at the bottom of the bucket here," the woman started throwing seashells down on the wet sand.

At that moment, a mighty wave finally overturned the boat Amadeus was in.

As Amadeus swam to shore, he was quietly sobbing.

"What's up with you?" Renfield asked.

"I know I shouldn't cry over spilled milk," Amadeus blubbered like a whale gaining weight, "but a jug of milk that's free of bovine growth hormone is hard to find these days."


To be continued.

Inside The Lighthouse

Hyung Grace Kwan lit a candle and looked out the lighthouse window at the huge blowing gusts of wind and rain.

"Nice to be in," Hyung smiled.

"Indeed," Dracul smiled back.

"There looks to be two people out in a boat in the middle of this huge storm," Hyung pointed at what looked like a huge egg being tossed on the sea.

Dracul Van Helsing picked up his binoculars and peered at the object currently spinning like a top.

"It's our friends Renfield and Amadeus," Dracul smiled.

"They know about our mission?" Hyung asked.

"If they do, they're one up on us," Dracul noted, "even we don't know what our mission is."

Dracul and Hyung had been instructed to go to this lighthouse by Gregorio Palamas the President of the International Federation of Vampire Hunters. Once inside, they were to await further instructions.

"There doesn't appear to be any phone here," Hyung glanced around the room.

"Really?" Dracul cast his gaze around the room, "Well, I hope you brought your cell phone because I forgot to bring mine."

"I've got my Samsung with me," Hyung adjusted her skirt.

Dracul smiled.

He thought Hyung would look great in a Samsung Anycall commercial.

Speaking of which, Dracul wondered to himself, who looked sexier in their respective Samsung Anycall commercials- Lee Hyori or Jeon Ji-hyun?

"What are you thinking about?" Hyung looked at him.

"Oh, life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness," Dracul put his binoculars down on the table.

"Why those things?" Hyung smiled.

"Because that vampire out there tonight looked a lot like Thomas Jefferson," Dracul took off his trenchcoat, "so it sort of reminded me of the U.S. Declaration of Independence. You never read anything about Jefferson being turned into a vampire did you?".

"No, I don't believe he was," Hyung shook her head.

"That's good to hear," Dracul went to the ice box and took out a can of Coca-Cola, "at least I haven't blown any chance then of winning a U.S. Congressional Medal of Honour."

Outside on the tossing and turning ocean, Renfield was vomiting over the side of the boat.

"Have you ever been subject to sea sickness?" Renfield asked between barfs.

"No," Amadeus calmly munched on his potato salad, "why do you ask?".

"Because I seem to be," Renfield tossed his cookies one more time.

"Try standing on your head and counting to ten," Amadeus suggested, "it seems to work for me. At least when I've got hiccoughs anyways."

Renfield tried standing on his head and was immediately tossed overboard by a passing wave.

"Oh, bloody Hell!" Renfield shouted.


To be continued.

The Lantern and The Lighthouse

South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan looked at the blonde man standing on the pier.

He was Dracul Van Helsing a Canadian vampire hunter.

He was often asked how he got his name.

The response Dracul gave often got a number of laughs even though it was true.

His mother Nadja Van Helsing had been a Romanian Communist (in fact she died protesting the fall of the Berlin Wall when it fell down on top of her on November 9th, 1989).

Being a Communist, she was naturally a great believer in Hegelian dialectics. So taking for a thesis the name Dracula (the notorious Transylvanian vampire) and Van Helsing (her husband was a direct descendent of Dr. Abraham Van Helsing the man who had slain Dracula) as antithesis- she combined the two together to come up for a synthesis- Dracul Van Helsing.

In other words, Dracula (thesis) + Van Helsing (antithesis) = Dracul Van Helsing (synthesis)

Hyung and Dracul had made quite the vampire hunting team- slaying vampires all over the world the past few years.

Their major rival was the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set whom neither Dracul nor Hyung had ever come close to staking.

Set's chief of security and corporate espionage was a shapeshifting hamster by the name of Renfield R. Renfield (the R stood for Renfield).

Another man they had encountered on occasion in Set's employ was the genetically cloned individual Amadeus Emanon.
Amadeus had been genetically cloned from locks of hair belonging to composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, British actor Alan Rickman and California mass murderer Charles Manson.

Having this DNA combination seemed to have lead to a lot of intense personal conflicts within Amadeus' own personality and character.

"Dracul?" Hyung asked as her white dress blew swiftly around her in the intense storm and crashing waves, "don't you think we should go up to the lighthouse before the rain hits?".

"Yes," Dracul agreed when he had finished staking a vampire who tried to crawl on to the pier, "just giving a surprise guest a stake sandwich."

"You deserve a spanking later for telling such a bad pun," Hyung admonished as she held tightly on to her skirt.

"I agree," Dracul picked up the lantern and started walking in the direction of the lighthouse.

As the two figures walked up to the lighthouse, another figure on a small boat gazed at them through binoculars.

"I'm soaked thoroughly," Renfield chattered through clenched teeth.

"I'm not," Amadeus Emanon munched on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, "I remembered to bring along my umbrella.
I feel quite safe under my umbrella." He turned up the volume of the Rihanna song he was playing on his iPod.


To be continued.

Vampire of the Lingnan

The Lingnan was a successful Chinese restaurant owned by Leonard Ling.

On this particular evening, the famous Irish-Romanian vampire Baron O' Nescu came strolling through the door.

"Baron O' Nescu," Mr. Ling stammered, "I hope you haven't come to bite any of our customers."

"Ever since the movie Twilight came out," Baron O' Nescu explained, "I've become a vegetarian which is currently all the rage among vampires. So no, I won't be feeding on any of your customers."

"That's a relief," Mr. Ling handed a menu to Vanessa one of the servers, "table for one for Baron O' Nescu."

"I'll have the Black Bean and Tofu soup," Baron O' Nescu remarked to Vanessa after a lengthy inspection of the menu.

Later Vanessa brought Baron O' Nescu the Black Bean and Tofu soup which the Baron wolfed down with apparent delight.

"That was delicious," the Baron licked his fangs before falling face forward dead into the empty bowl of soup.

"The Baron has died after eating the Black Bean and Tofu soup," Vanessa shrieked.

"Gee, I hope I didn't put too much garlic in the soup," the Lingnan's soup chef Harry Woo remarked.

The End.

Vegetarians of The Caribbean

(Scene: A beach in the Caribbean. The notorious pirate captain with big ears Captain Jack O' Harrow a jack rabbit is standing on the beach waving desperately to passing boats to pick him up)

Captain Jack O' Harrow: S.O.S! SOS! S.O.S!

(A yacht passes by playing the ABBA song "Darling, can't you hear me, S.O.S" on its loud speakers but ignores the jumping jack rabbit)

Captain Jack O' Harrow: I should never have poured saltpeter down the pants of the President of the British East India Company. I should have known that Governor Swann the governor of St. Kitz was in his pocket.

(Paris Hilton parachutes on to the beach wearing an extremely short cocktail mini dress and a pair of Armani pump stilettos)

Captain Jack O' Harrow (shielding his eyes): Oh, God! I think I'm blind.

(A yacht passes by playing the Stevie Wonder song, "There's a place in the sun where there's hope for everyone... got to find me a place in the sun...")

Paris Hilton: Captain Sparrow? Are you there? Captain Sparrow, where are you? Calling Captain Jack Sparrow!

Captain O' Harrow: The name is Captain Jack O' Harrow! There's no Captain Sparrow here.

Paris Hilton: But I thought I was going to be appearing with Johnny Depp? What are you? A bunny? You're not even a Playboy bunny at that.

Captain O' Harrow: Well, I wouldn't say that. You should see me on the dance floor of a Los Angeles nightclub.

Paris Hilton: You should see me on the dance floor of a Los Angeles nightclub.

Captain O' Harrow: I already have. That was the night the club DJ was getting great laughs from the crowd reading that line from Edward Lear's poem The Owl and The Pussycat, "What a beautiful..."

Paris Hilton (pouting): I was wanting to star alongside Johnny Depp... hmpff!

Captain O'Harrow: Depp only acts alongside actresses with depth! Depp only acts with depth!

Paris Hilton: What do you mean Depp only acts alongside actresses with depth? That Depp only acts with depth? I could get some depth if I wanted to. Um... do you know where I could buy it?
Say, isn't that what the country and the banking system is in now? Debth?

Captain O' Harrow: Well if President Obama had a lisp, that would certainly be the way he'd put it.

Paris Hilton: Well, I've decided I'm not going to appear in this movie. (picks up her cell phone) Lindsay, get me out of here.

(A cocktail dress wearing Lindsay Lohan wearing cocktails all over her dress appears in a yacht and roars up the beach wrapping the boat and herself around a coconut tree)

(A coconut falls on top of her head)

Harry Belafonte (walking along the beach and singing):

Coconut woman is calling out
and everyday you can hear her shout
Get your coconut water
Man, it's good for your daughter...

Captain Jack O' Harrow (running up to Mr. Belafonte): Harry, please get me off this island of nuts... coco and otherwise!


The End.

Jack O' Hare Private Eye

(Scene: Office of Jack O' Hare Private Eye. Jack O' Hare is a jack rabbit with two big enormous ears sticking out of his fedora hat. A woman walks in wearing a low-cut blouse, tight skirt and spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes. The woman looks a lot like a young Rita Hayworth)

Woman: Are you Jack O'Hare Private Eye?

Jack O'Hare: I am.

Woman: But you're a bunny rabbit?

Jack O'Hare: So I've been told.

Woman: Well, I suppose that's okay seeing as how Easter is just around the corner.

Jack O'Hare: Yes but I hope you're not wanting me to lay any coloured eggs. That's just a myth like the theory that says man evolved out of a group of animals going back to an amoeba which in turn evolved out of nothing.

Woman: What are those two big things sticking up out of your hat?

Jack O' Hare: My ears.

Woman: Wow. What enormously big ears you have.

Jack O'Hare: So I've been told.

Woman: I have something to get off my chest.

Jack O'Hare: That looks like two things you have to get off your chest.

Woman: I must confess they're not real. I had a lot of help from Silicone Valley.

Jack O'Hare: From Silicone Valley? And to think my stock broker had told me that computer stocks had flattened out.

Woman: Well, there's nothing flat about these.

Jack O'Hare: I'll say.

Woman: My fiancee's been kidnapped.

Jack O'Hare: I see. And what's your fiancee's name?

Woman: Charles Lindbergh Jr.

Jack O'Hare: Charles Lindbergh Jr.? But he was kidnapped almost 80 years ago!

Woman: He was? Wow! He must be old then. This is the last time I'm going to get my family to arrange a marriage for me.

Jack O'Hare: He's not only old. He's dead. He was murdered by his kidnapper.

Woman: Dead? Well that does it, this IS definitely the last time my family is arranging a marriage for me.

(struts off on her heels and walks out the door)

Jack O' Hare: Wow! That was the fastest case I''ve ever solved.

(pours himself a glass of bourbon)

Jack O' Hare (raising a toast to himself in the mirror): To the quick...

(he then raises a toast to a missing kid's picture on a milk carton that had
not been thrown out in a very long time)

Jack O'Hare: And the dead.


The End.

The Joker

Somewhere beneath those lights of Gotham
down there in the depths of Hell
where rats walk
and broken souls do dwell
sits the Joker
his grimacing smile a spell.

Like a spider rising from his web
he moves like a virtual Undead
oh, what a tale could be told
beneath his smile so eery bold
his eyes dark and shadowy
his laugh a demon's cacophony
his face white as the moon
his lips red like battlefields
covered on the Day of Doom.

His heart is a castle dark
devoid of life
or any spark
his sole mission now
is to bring the Batman down.

And so on this moonlit night
where wolf howls give you fright
and the birds they do not sing
only vultures circling
and Death's skull rides his horse
Hope's rays have gone off course.

The Joker dances in the street
odd cloven hooves for feet
to a dreadful dreary beat
no soul, just body heat.

And now Batman you must hear
the Joker's laughing jeer
you knew this time would come
to face the final drum.

And on the streets of Gotham today
underneath clouds cold and gray
the Batman met his end
a message to Robin one must send.

So Fate has shuffled his deck of cards
like mannequins at Mme. Toussard's
the Joker has beaten the Ace
woe betide Gotham's human race.


-The Joker
a poem written on this Feast of Fools
Wednesday, April 1st 2009
by Dracul Van Helsing