Ancient Egyptian Vampire Set Wants To Do TV Commercial

The multi-billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was looking unhappy.

"Depressed over not finding any female virgins in the modern world to sacrifice, boss?" Renfield asked.

"Well, " Set replied, "yes, and do you remember how you saw the faces of Zeus and Apollo blown out of that Icelandic volcano earlier this year?."

"I do," Renfield nodded, "I tried to locate them but didn't have any luck."

"Well it appears that Madison Avenue ad agencies had much better luck," Set sniffed, "Zeus is now doing commercials for the McDonald's Quarter Pounder Deluxe."

"I believe I've seen that commercial," Renfield said.

"I have too," Amadeus piped up from the next room, "and isn't it cool how Air Force jets pop up and fly behind his head as the commercial ends?".

"So Zeus is doing commercials," Set snivelled, "and even that priest-theologian Herr Hans who worships my brother Osiris and my sister Isis- even he is doing commercials."

"Yes, but for Equa Doze laxatives as The Most Un-Interesting Man in The World," Renfield replied, "Hardly something to write home about."

"Still I want to be able to do a fucking TV commercial," Set threw a temper tantrum.

"Did the boss say what I think he just said?" Amadeus called out from the other room.

"Yes, he wants to be able to do a fucking TV commercial," Renfield answered.

"He wants to be able to do a commercial for a porno movie?" Amadeus entered the room eating a McDonalds' Quarter Pounder Deluxe.

Renfield in his mind was imagining his favourite porn star Akira Lane kneeling down in front of a 6 foot tall Scottish highlander. She lifts the highlander's kilt, looks at the camera, winks and says, "I'm about to swallow a McDonald's Quarter Pounder Deluxe."

To be continued.

The Snuff Film

Renfield R. Renfield had raised a couple of zombies from a cemetery using an old voodoo manuscript he had found.

When he had done that, he walked to the rectory of Saint John the Baptist Catholic Church in London.

He knocked on the door.

An elderly priest answered.

"Father Sinclair?" Renfield inquired.

"Yes," the elderly priest nodded.

"You're the Father Sinclair who got into a heated argument with the theologian Herr Hans recently?" Renfield queried.

"That's right," Father Sinclair answered, "are you a reporter?".

"No, I'm not," Renfield shook his head, "now I'm not a big fan of Herr Hans either but I can't kill him just yet. So I decided to settle on you instead. I'm making a snuff film because I always wanted to make one of those."

"What?..." before the elderly priest could finish his sentence, one of the two zombies brought out a machete and cut off the priest's head while Renfield filmed it with his video camera.

"Now, gonna rush home and post this on YouTube," Renfield grinned, "and the hits and views will be coming in."

When Renfield got home, Amadeus was reading from an Encyclopedia in the library belonging to the multi-billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, "Do you know that tomorrow August 29th is the day marking the commemoration of the Beheading of Saint John the Baptist in the Catholic Church?".

"Really?" Renfield looked at his watch which said 11 PM August 28th 2010, "tomorrow is? Shoot. Missed it by one day. Should have done it tomorrow."

"Done what tomorrow?" Amadeus asked.

"Never mind," Renfield smiled.

To be continued.

The Game's Afoot In London

Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were in a red Ferrari parked outside the grounds of Lambeth Palace in London.

Renfield was holding up a pair of binoculars.

"Whose car is this?" asked Amadeus as he spilled some of the sushi he was eating on to the seat.

"Herr Hans' car," Renfield replied.

"Isn't that the Catholic priest and theologian we're supposed to be watching?" Amadeus queried as he accidently spilled some soya sauce to add to the sushi on the seat.

"That's right," Renfield nodded, "I thought while we observe his conversations with the ArchDruid of Canterbury, we might as well sit here in comfort I figure."

"You know," Amadeus stated as some of his Thai chili chicken fell on to the seat, "if I had had a real mother instead of being genetically cloned and created in a laboratory, my mother would probably be telling me to wear a bib while I'm eating."

"Oh, probably," Renfield opened up a can of beer of which half sprayed all over the seat.

"So why have we been following Herr Hans around London the past few days?" Amadeus removed a fudgesicle from a wrapper which proceeded to fall on to the seat, "oh shoot."

"Because Herr Hans is a follower of Osiris and Isis," Renfield replied.

"Oh... the mortal... I mean... immortal enemies of our boss," Amadeus reached for a chocolate eclair from the box of chocolate eclairs in the middle of the seat.

Their boss was of course the London based multi-billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

"That's right," Renfield started licking the spilled beer off the car upholstery.

"But why is Herr Hans been so busy talking to the ArchDruid of Canterbury the past few days?" Amadeus bit into the chocolate eclair, "I thought the ArchDruid was supposed to be a friend of our boss."

"The ArchDruid is all things to all men," Renfield belched and broke wind at the same time, "when he addresses the Anglican bishops of Africa, he says he sides with them on doctrinal issues against the U.S. Episcopalian bishops. When he addresses the U.S. Episcopalian bishops, he says he sides with them against the Anglican bishops of Africa on doctrinal issues. The ArchDruid has 10 wet fingers and 10 wet toes blowing in the wind."

Amadeus dropped the last half of the chocolate eclair on the seat and then crushed it with his knee as he attempted to pick it up, "Oh gosh! I can't believe the day I'm having!".

"Hey! That's my car!" Herr Hans pointed and shouted angrily as the ArchDruid of Canterbury stared blissfully in the distance at where Herr Hans was pointing.

"I think we better get the Hell out of here," Renfield started the car and drove off.

"Do you suppose we can pick up some spaghetti and meat balls somewhere to eat on the way home?" Amadeus asked as Herr Hans chased after them on foot.

To be continued.

Paris Morning

The Trappist monk Brother Jim Gallant and the Saint Bernard dog Samson stood in the Paris street outside the Vampiress Isis' apartment.

Come dawn they saw the vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing leaving.

"Well, Samson," Brother Jim looked down at the Saint Bernard, "it looks like Dracul managed to leave Isis' apartment without being turned into a vampire himself."

The Saint Bernard wagged his tail.

"Still I think Dracul takes a lot of chances with vampiresses," Brother Jim scratched his chin thoughtfully, "I think I should put in a call to Hyung Grace Kwan and tell her to beat Dracul up again so he doesn't take so many chances with vampiresses."

The Saint Bernard nodded and seemed to smile.

"I wonder what the theologian Herr Hans was doing in the Vampiress Isis' apartment?" Brother Jim asked.

The Saint Bernard yawned.

"No, I don't imagine he was doing what Dracul was probably doing," Brother Jim said.

The door opened and out stepped Herr Hans.

Herr Hans got on his cell phone and confirmed his flight reservation to London.

As he put his phone back in his pocket, he thought, where had Isis been most of the night?

He did not see the Trappist monk and the Saint Bernard standing there looking at him as he got into the taxi.

To be continued.

Rainswept Tears

Rainswept tears
letting go of years
gone are many fears
you held my hand when I was young
your life was a joy brightly sung
when you first were gone
I felt the end of dawn
but each passing day
in a strange new way
I feel you near
the hand that now holds is an invisible one
but I feel its warmth like the noonday sun.


-A poem written by Dracul Van Helsing
Wednesday, August 18th, 2010

Isis and The Midnight Hour- Can You Feel The Power?

The Vampiress Isis smiled and shook Herr Hans' hand.

"Herr Hans, nice to see you," her fangs gleamed in the light from the chandelier, "been spreading the good word I see."

"Herr Hans," a bishop grabbed the theologian.

The clock struck midnight.

"What a relief," the bishop laughed, "it's no longer the Feast of the Assumption."

Isis smiled in the bishop's direction.

"No, it's now the anniversary of Elvis' death," a voice behind Isis spoke, "and I see no one here is wearing blue suede shoes.."

Isis turned.

"Christopher Dracul Van Helsing," Isis seethed, "and how did the world's most notorious vampire hunter enter my apartment?".

"Through the open window of your bedroom," Dracul smiled.

"I see I shall have to chastise my valet Cedarman," Isis bit her lip.

"I'd be willing to take his punishment," Dracul gazed down admiringly at her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

Isis laughed and then ran her hands through her long dark hair, "And how long were you at my window before you entered?".

"I watched you sleep in your silvery nightgown," Dracul helped himself to an apple from a basket of fruit on a coffee table, "and then I watched you dress."

"Voyeur Van Helsing," Isis adjusted the top part of her dress revealing more of her bosom, "nice alliteration."

"Exhibitionist Isis," Dracul smiled, "no alliteration there. But what does that phrase sound like in Egyptian?".

"So you gazed at me through my bedroom window," Isis smiled.

"If the immortal vampire Edward can do that to the mortal Bella," Dracul let some of the red skin of the apple hang on his lip, "then in order to balance the Tao energy of the universe, it's only fair that a mortal man do it to an immortal vampiress."

Isis went over and bit the red skin of the apple off Dracul's lip, "And what else would this mortal man like to do to this immortal vampiress?".

Herr Hans thought he saw a man pick up the Vampiress Isis in his arms and then walk to the bedroom door.

Seconds later the bedroom door shut.

On the radio Elvis could be heard singing, "I'm all shook up..."

To be continued.

Herr Hans' Twilight Stroll

Herr Hans stepped out of the church into the twilight.

The priest and theologian who had been attending a meeting down the street thought he'd pop in and see what this church was like.

The church had crucifixes and crosses and statues and paintings of the Saints.

The priest felt very uncomfortable and left the church.

Hadn't this congregation ever heard of the spirit of Vatican II? the priest wondered bitterly.

"Evening, Father," a grizzled old man greeted him.

"What the f---?" Herr Hans wondered. How did this man know he was a priest?

Herr Hans lifted his hand to his collar. Oh, he was wearing his clerical collar tonight.

He knew the news media would be there at the meeting so he thought he'd better wear his clerical collar just to impress folks.

"Were you attending Mass for the Feast of the Assumption?" the old man asked.

Herr Hans looked at his watch. Today's date was August 15th. The Feast of the Assumption. This was the date the Catholic Church believed that when the Virgin Mary died, she was assumed body and soul into heaven.

He hadn't paid any attention to that date in years.

"No," Herr Hans answered truthfully.

"Are you one of these priests who don't believe in the Assumption?" the grizzled old man asked.

"That's right," Herr Hans nodded.

"Can I ask you something?" the grizzled old man asked, "You know how churches all over Europe and Asia claim they possess certain bodily relics of various Saints like John the Baptist, Saint Paul, Saint Andrew etc?".

"Yes," Herr Hans was starting to feel noxious.

"How come in the entire long history of Christianity," the old man asked, "no Church has ever claimed to possess a bodily relic of the Blessed Virgin?".

Herr Hans looked at the man-shocked.

He could see what the grizzled old man was getting at.

Herr Hans ran down the street to avoid the man.

He would be late for his meeting with the Vampiress Isis anyways.

When he got to her apartment, photographers were taking her picture.

She was dressed in an exquisite black velvet dress. On her head was an exquisite diamond tiara of a crescent moon. Her spiked stiletto heels were likewise emblazoned with diamonds. Diamonds that were made up to look like six stars- one set on each shoe.

To be continued.

North Korea's Dictator Kim Jong-il Goes Beserk Over McNuggets

The following is a fictional satirical news story that I wrote a couple of days ago:

Paying a surprise unexpected visit to the South Korean capital of Seoul today, North Korea's Stalinist dictator Kim Jong-il went through a South Korean McDonald's drive-through today in his chauffeur driven Workers' Paradise Rolls-Royce limousine (a car that is actually unavailable to most North Korean workers).


The North Korean dictator was apparently struck by a craving for McDonald's Chicken McNuggets and upon being told by McDonald's employees that McNuggets were unavailable at the moment because this was the time only breakfast was being served, the Hermit Kingdom's Dear Leader went beserk and upon screaming that he was following Oprah's New Age spirituality and getting in touch with his feminine (American) side proceeded to break and smash the drive-through window.


There are fears the incident could lead to the outbreak of war on the Korean Peninsula.

Leonardo DiCaprio's Inception and The Lobster Named Michelangelo

Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were having lunch together in a sandwich cafe in London.

"I hear," Renfield said between mouthfuls of his tuna fish sandwich, "that Justin Timberlake may replace Simon Cowell as a judge on American Idol."

"I wonder how many major wardrobe malfunctions would happen on American Idol if that were to occur," Amadeus replied.

On the TV screen in the restaurant, the BBC News Announcer intoned, "This just in. San Francisco police have been questioning former US Vice-President Al Gore about possible inappropriate sexual contact with a massage therapist..."

"Oh my Buddha Consciousness Higher Self," Renfield invoked his deity as he put down his tuna fish sandwich in disgust, "the thought and imagery of Al Gore having sex has ruined my appetite."

* * *

Later that night, the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had been summoned to his top secret laboratories at Canary Wharf on the Thames.

"I thought you'd like to see this, boss," his leading scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher unveiled a curtain and there in an aquarium was a lobster.

"I have seen lobster before in my 3000 year old existence," Set seethed.

"But you've never seen lobster like this," Dr. Rocher grinned.

Dr. Rocher showed the lobster a photograph.

"Now observe our closed-circuit television inside 10 Downing Street," said Rocher.

British Prime Minister David Cameron woke up screaming, "I dreamed a lobster was sitting in my seat in the House of Commons."

Dr. Rocher showed the lobster another photograph.

"Now observe our closed circuit television inside the ArchBishop's Palace," Rocher smiled.

Rowan Williams the ArchDruid of Canterbury woke up screaming, "I dreamed a lobster was sacrificing me to an ancient Celtic deity."

Then another photograph. And a closed circuit television of the White House.

United States President Barack Obama woke up screaming, "I dreamed a giant lobster loosened the cap on the BP oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico and oil was spilling out again."

Then another photograph. And another closed circuit television.

Rep. Ron Paul woke up screaming, "I dreamed a lobster knocked over my tea pot and ruined our tea party."

"My Amun-Ra," Set smiled, "you've created a lobster that can..."

"... enter people's dreams," Dr. Rocher smiled, "What audiences see Leonardo DiCaprio doing fictionally in Inception, Michelangelo de Lobster does for real at my suggestion."

Then Dr. Rocher showed the lobster Michelangelo another photograph.

The lobster closed his eyes.

And a few minutes later, the lobster woke up screaming.


* * *

"Why are you smiling?" Amadeus who was sitting in an easy chair asked Renfield who was lying on the couch.

Renfield answered, "I just dreamed I was eating lobster."


To be continued.

Prisoner Bear To Face Death Sentence For Attacks

A week ago, I noticed a story on CNN News with this headline Prisoner Bear To Face Death Sentence For Attacks.

That struck me as an unusual way to frame a headline about an attacking bear.

So anyways here's a short story I wrote based on the images that came into my head from that headline.


* * *

TV Reporter Carolina Russell: And here we are in front of the prison. We have both sides of the death penalty debate right here... over here, the death penalty proponents...


(The proponents hold up picket signs that say "Fry The Bear")

Carolina Russell: And on the other side, death penalty opponents...

(The opponents hold up picket signs that say, "Commute the Sentence To Life In The San Diego Zoo")

Carolina Russell: And then there are others, we're not quite sure of their stand...

(Lindsay Lohan holds up a sign saying "I need a new bear rug for my bedroom" while Charlie Sheen holds up a sign saying "I like to make out with hookers while wearing a bear's paw necklace")

Carolina Russell: And then there's the controversial governor of the state... Ghenghis Khan Torquemada...

Gov. Ghenghis Khan Torquemada (at previous press conference): As you know I think death by lethal injection is a limp-wristed pansy way of putting someone to death. That's why I've re-introduced for the death penalty... death in the electric chair.

Carolina Russell: Gov. Torquemada's re-introduction of the electric chair death penalty has been condemned by Amnesty International...

Meanwhile inside the prison, prison guards are sitting up at a table and drawing straws...

Prison guard Hermie Hoopsnapper asked his fellow guard, "What's up with drawing straws?".

The bigger guard shrugged.

Prison Warden Chaney Karloff addressed the guards, "As you know, Gov. Torquemada has been getting a lot of flak from Amnesty International for bringing back the electric chair for the death penalty in this state. And he's been getting a lot of flak from PETA and various other animal rights groups over the fact that the first one to get the electric chair in 45 years in this state will be a bear. So in order to build better public relations for himself, Gov. Torquemada has announced the prisoner bear #7543849541284 will be entitled to one last meal before he's executed."

"But it's my understanding that the prisoner bear only eats humans," Hermie Hoopsnapper piped up.

All the prison guards and the warden looked at Hermie Hoopsnapper.

Hermie Hoopsnapper suddenly realized he was holding the shortest end of the straw.

Hermie Hoopsnapper let out a scream as he realized what was happening.

Hermie Hoopsnapper was thrown into the cell with the bear.

"Munch! Munch! Burp! Burp! Scratch! Scratch!" were the sounds the bear made from his cell as Hermie Hoopsnapper just screamed.

Carolina Russell batted her sexy false eyelashes, adjusted her fake boobs in her low-cut mini dress, looked directly at the camera and said, "We've just been informed that the Prisoner Bear has finished his last meal."



-A short story written by Dracul Van Helsing
Friday, August 6th 2010.

TV Commercial For The Most Un-Interesting Man In The World

This is a TV commercial I wrote today called The Most Un-Interesting Man In The World. It is of course a satirical spoof of Dos Equis' The Most Interesting Man In The World beer commercials.



Announcer: He's the Most Un-Interesting Man in the World...

Herr Hans: And then at exactly 10:23 PM after 5 and a half hours of watching it, the paint finally dried...

Beautiful Woman (in chair on his immediate left): Zzzzzzzzz....

Beautiful woman (in chair on his immediate right): Snore! Snore!

Herr Hans: You know I don't drink 100% Decaffeinated Combination Constipation Headache Laxative and Acid Reflux Relief Herbal Tea very often but when I do, I prefer Equa Doze...

(Image comes up of a bottle of Equa Doze 100% Decaffeinated Combination Constipation Headache Laxative and Acid Reflux Relief Herbal Tea)

Herr Hans: Stay health conscious, my friends...

More On Herr Hans

"So who's this Herr Hans?" Hyung Grace Kwan asked Dracul Van Helsing.

"He's a theologian and a Catholic priest," Dracul replied, "but one who doesn't believe any of the articles of the Catholic Faith."

"And what does he do?" Hyung asked.

"He teaches theology at a Catholic University in Germany," Dracul answered, "and he served as a theologicial advisor to various bishops at the Second Vatican Council during the 1960s."

"And he's a worshipper of Isis and Osiris?" Hyung queried.

"Yes, he's on a mission to convert the world to Osiris worship by 2012," Dracul stated, "He's spent almost 50 years laying the ground work for it. Now comes the hour of his final push."

"How will he accomplish this now for his final two years?" Hyung wanted to know.

"The same way anyone does anything like that today- through the entertainment industry- TV, movies, music," Dracul answered.

* * *

Herr Hans was on the telephone, "Hello, my name is Herr Hans and I'd like to audition for an Old Spice commercial."

"Smell like a man, man," Herr Hans' parrot squawked before passing out from the extreme body odour.

* * *


To be continued.