Prisoner Bear To Face Death Sentence For Attacks

A week ago, I noticed a story on CNN News with this headline Prisoner Bear To Face Death Sentence For Attacks.

That struck me as an unusual way to frame a headline about an attacking bear.

So anyways here's a short story I wrote based on the images that came into my head from that headline.


* * *

TV Reporter Carolina Russell: And here we are in front of the prison. We have both sides of the death penalty debate right here... over here, the death penalty proponents...


(The proponents hold up picket signs that say "Fry The Bear")

Carolina Russell: And on the other side, death penalty opponents...

(The opponents hold up picket signs that say, "Commute the Sentence To Life In The San Diego Zoo")

Carolina Russell: And then there are others, we're not quite sure of their stand...

(Lindsay Lohan holds up a sign saying "I need a new bear rug for my bedroom" while Charlie Sheen holds up a sign saying "I like to make out with hookers while wearing a bear's paw necklace")

Carolina Russell: And then there's the controversial governor of the state... Ghenghis Khan Torquemada...

Gov. Ghenghis Khan Torquemada (at previous press conference): As you know I think death by lethal injection is a limp-wristed pansy way of putting someone to death. That's why I've re-introduced for the death penalty... death in the electric chair.

Carolina Russell: Gov. Torquemada's re-introduction of the electric chair death penalty has been condemned by Amnesty International...

Meanwhile inside the prison, prison guards are sitting up at a table and drawing straws...

Prison guard Hermie Hoopsnapper asked his fellow guard, "What's up with drawing straws?".

The bigger guard shrugged.

Prison Warden Chaney Karloff addressed the guards, "As you know, Gov. Torquemada has been getting a lot of flak from Amnesty International for bringing back the electric chair for the death penalty in this state. And he's been getting a lot of flak from PETA and various other animal rights groups over the fact that the first one to get the electric chair in 45 years in this state will be a bear. So in order to build better public relations for himself, Gov. Torquemada has announced the prisoner bear #7543849541284 will be entitled to one last meal before he's executed."

"But it's my understanding that the prisoner bear only eats humans," Hermie Hoopsnapper piped up.

All the prison guards and the warden looked at Hermie Hoopsnapper.

Hermie Hoopsnapper suddenly realized he was holding the shortest end of the straw.

Hermie Hoopsnapper let out a scream as he realized what was happening.

Hermie Hoopsnapper was thrown into the cell with the bear.

"Munch! Munch! Burp! Burp! Scratch! Scratch!" were the sounds the bear made from his cell as Hermie Hoopsnapper just screamed.

Carolina Russell batted her sexy false eyelashes, adjusted her fake boobs in her low-cut mini dress, looked directly at the camera and said, "We've just been informed that the Prisoner Bear has finished his last meal."



-A short story written by Dracul Van Helsing
Friday, August 6th 2010.