Mickey Mouse and Cats

And so it came to pass that when the millionaire (and formerly billionaire) ancient Egyptian vampire Set discovered that Amadeus Emanon's Mickey Mouse watch (which he was mailed as a gift several weeks ago) happened to have listening devices in it that were relaying information to the International Federation of Vampire Hunters that Set did order the shapeshifting hamster/human Renfield R. Renfield to destroy the watch.

And Renfield did so.

And Amadeus wept.

Meanwhile Dracul Van Helsing was trying to help the Italian brunette vampiress he had encountered in a lighthouse several weeks ago to regain her memory.

He did so by playing a YouTube video of Susan Boyle singing the song Memory from the musical Cats.

"No, I don't ever recall being a cat and walking down back alleys of the street in the moonlight," the vampiress said.

To be continued.

Larry King Interviews Dracul Van Helsing

Larry King: Our guest tonight was to have been South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan who this past weekend slew a vampiric wild boar on a central Alberta hog farm. This vampiric wild boar was believed by some authorities (namely fans of the Coast To Coast AM radio program on the Paranormal hosted by George Noory) to have been the one responsible for spreading the H1N1 virus among both pigs and humans. But Hyung couldn't be with us this evening... so instead we have a close friend of Hyung's... the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing...

Dracul Van Helsing: Nice to be here, Larry...

Larry: Perhaps you could tell our audience why Hyung couldn't be with us this evening...

Dracul Van Helsing: Certainly. As you know, North Korea's madman Stalinist despot Kim Jong-il (a term that MIT's emeritus Marxist self-styled synarcho-anarchist windbag and gasbag Noam Chomsky would no doubt find personally offensive) has conducted a major underground atomic test yesterday and a missile launch today. So Hyung has gone home at this time to be with her family, her people and her homeland in this time of impending crisis that's hovering over the Korean peninsula.

Larry: And of course the thoughts and prayers of the American people are with her tonight...

Dracul: I'll pass that message on to Hyung, Larry.

Larry: Thanks Dracul. So who do you think was behind the creation of this vampiric wild boar that was spreading the H1N1 virus?

Dracul: Well despite the fact that it originated in Mexico, the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec swore on an oath to Quetzalcoatl that she wasn't the one behind it. And the millionaire (and formerly billionaire) ancient Egyptian vampire Set in London wasn't behind it. In fact, from what I've heard from various sources, Set's hopes for a financial recovery of his fortunes went down with one of his employee's investments in the Alberta hog industry which went down after an Alberta hog herd was found to have come down with the swine flu now called H1N1 virus...

The millionaire and formerly billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set is watching the Larry King Show live via satellite in London.

"How," Set seethed, "did Dracul Van Helsing find out about the state of my financial affairs?".

"There must be a leak somewhere, sir," Athelstan his personal valet and proper English gentleman answered.

"A leak?" Set went ballistic, "And where is Amadeus as we speak?".

"He's taking a piss," Renfield answered.

To be continued.

Hockey and Pork Barbecue Night In Canada

(Scene: 1st Intermission period of Hockey Night In Canada, Saturday, May 23rd, 2009)

(Ron MacLean and Don Cherry are standing on a central Alberta pig farm with a huge barbecue going on in the background)

Don: I'm not going to talk about the game tonight. We all know what a great player Sidney Crosby is and if you don't know what a great player Sidney Crosby is, you're probably either a member of the Taliban or the NDP...

Ron: Why are you wearing images of Porky Pig on your neck tie?

Don: That's a very good question. There are two reasons why I'm wearing Porky Pig on my necktie:
#1. Porky Pig is a swell guy. A great cartoon character. No question. The only cartoon character better than Porky Pig is Bugs Bunny...

Ron: You think Bugs Bunny is the best cartoon character around?

Don: Of course. When he says, what's up doc?... I hit the floor laughing every time...

Ron: Most hot-blooded Canadian males would have probably picked Jessica Rabbit as the greatest cartoon character of them all. I guess this means you're not a hot-blooded Canadian male...

(Don Cherry looks pissed off)

Ron: So what's the second reason you're wearing images of Porky Pig on your necktie?

Don: The second reason is to support the Alberta pork industry. Thanks to those namby pamby Marxist pansies in the UN and the World Health Organization, many countries have become convinced that eating Alberta pork will give you the swine flu. This is a bunch of "Red" crap...

Ron: As opposed to brown crap...

Don: You know what I mean... Marxist-Leninist b.s. ... that's what we're doing here tonight. We're here on a central Alberta pig farm with a huge pork barbecue going on... telling people to eat Alberta pork...

Ron: So why aren't you eating Alberta pork?

Don: I like mine well done.

(Hyung Grace Kwan dressed in a low-cut red evening dress slit up the side and wearing tan nylons and red spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes hands Don Cherry a pork slice on a bun)

Don: See? See what's she wearing? See how she's dressed? I do like taking my meat from a woman in a low-cut evening dress. So I guess I'm a red-blooded Canadian male after all.

Ron: So you're a rice-chaser I take it?

Don: A what?

Ron: A rice chaser.

Don: I don't know what you mean by that. But all these namby pamby Marxist pansies at the UN and World Health Organization who pour homo milk all over their Rice Krispies and refuse to eat Alberta pork...

Ron: It looks like we've got another boar besides you here...

Don: Are you saying I'm boring?

(At that moment, a winged wild boar with vampiric incisors lands on the farm sending people scattering)

Don: What the Hell is that?

Hyung (grabbing a barbecue fork and doing Kung Fu moves on her stilettos): Everybody stay back this is a vampire...

Don: Well, I'll be... (what Don Cherry says is bleeped out)

Voice of Rosebob (Orson Welles' parrot): Not from Hyung you won't be. She gets it on with Dracul Van Helsing.

(Hyung drives the fork through the vampiric wild boar's heart)

Hyung: Another pig for the grill, Dracul... (she hands the pierced wild boar on the fork to Dracul)

Farmer: Wine is now being served.

Rosebob: We will sell no wine before its time...

To be continued.

Rosebob's Running Commentary

Dracul Van Helsing was making out with Hyung Grace Kwan in a hay loft on the open window upper story of a barn.

"Dracul," Hyung said between passionate kisses, "shouldn't we be watching out for that wild boar vampire that's biting both pigs and humans on the neck and infecting them with the H1N1 virus?".

"We'll hear the flapping of its wings and its diabolical cackling oink when it approaches," Dracul bit Hyung on the neck.

"Oh God," Hyung moaned in ecstasy.

"A drum, a drum," a parrot called out in the barn, "Dracul doth come."

"Who let Orson Welles' parrot in here?" Dracul asked.

"It probably followed you here," Hyung replied as she let out a joyful shriek that sent all the barn swallows scattering.

As a birthday present last year, Hyung had bought Dracul a 100-year-old parrot that had once belonged to Orson Welles since she knew that Dracul was a big Orson Welles fan. The name of the parrot was Rosebob.

"To be or not to be," Rosebob continued, "is this a dagger Hyung sees before her? Come let her clutch it... oh God... put back thy sheath, oh Brutus... the cock will crow three times before morning has come... or Hyung for that matter! The Peter will have denied everything particularly when the results of the pregnancy test come back..."

"Will somebody shut that damn bird up?" Dracul stated.

To be continued.

The Ripper's Revenge

The Ripper's back in London town
hunting ladies of the evening down
their screams echo off London Bridge
hearts cut out and put in fridge
oh why oh why has Jack returned?
leaving Hell thoroughly burned?

Chiron took him back across the River Styx
with his knives that make piercing skin pricks
oh why did Hades let him go?
the world's first serial killer
with mystic glow?

Jack is back
off the torture rack
he's returned to London town
where midnight screams echo down.


-A horror poem
written by Dracul Van Helsing
Saturday, May 16th, 2009

To Be Or Not To Be... A Vampire On Prozac

The millionaire (and formerly billionaire) ancient Egyptian vampire Set was reading a prognosis from his doctor on whether taking Prozac would fit with his vampiric metabolism.

The vampire had been feeling rather depressed lately that following the onset of last autumn's global recession, his personal fortune had gone from being a multi-billionaire to being only a mere multi-millionaire.

"May I make a suggestion, sir?" Athelstan his personal valet and proper English gentleman asked.

"Certainly," Set was starting to feel the weight of the world on his shoulders, "Hey, who the Hell put this globe on the back of my neck?".

"Sorry, boss," Amadeus Emanon removed the globe of the world off Set's neck, "I was trying to re-enact that scene from that old Charlie Chaplin movie The Great Dictator that I saw on the Late Show last night."

"Get to hell out of my sitting room, Amadeus!" Set shouted.

"Sir," Athelstan held up his hand motioning Amadeus to sit, "might I suggest Amadeus stay? Remember 4 years ago on Amadeus' first birthday as a clone (Amadeus had been cloned from the DNA from locks of hair of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Alan Rickman and Charles Manson back in 2004), you gave Amadeus a $1 billion dollar gratuity as a birthday present? Telling him to invest the money? Depending on where he invested it, maybe Amadeus can loan you a billion from his portfolio!".

"That's brilliant, Athelstan!" Set smiled for the first time in eternity (well actually it was 5,000 years!), "What did you do with all that money, Amadeus?".

"I bet it all on the hog futures market," Amadeus smiled feeling glad to be of help, "and it's come due this month of this year actually."

"What area of the world did you place this bet on hog futures?" Set suddenly felt his heart palpitating.

"The Canadian province of Alberta," Amadeus pointed to it on the globe.

At that point, the shapeshifting hamster/human Renfield R. Renfield left the room.

He hated to see a grown vampire cry.

To be continued.

Visions On A Farm

Stepping out of the truck was a vision one didn't expect to see on a windswept central Alberta farm. She was a woman who looked like Korean singer Jeon Ji Hyun. She was dressed in a blue turtleneck sweater, black leather mini skirt, black silk fishnet nylons and black spiked stiletto leather boots.

She was South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan.

Stepping out of the passenger side of the truck was a 6 foot tall blonde man wearing a pair of blue jeans and a t-shirt that said I Love Mozart.

He was Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

"You folks from the government?" the farmer asked.

"Do we look that stupid?" Hyung flicked back her beautiful long dark hair.

"You don't actually," the farmer admitted.

"Then we're not from the government," Dracul stated.

"That's good," the farmer asked, "I thought you were going to put the hogs on my farm under quarantine for fear they might have the swine flu. A neighbour down the road had a perfectly good herd of swine culled and killed because... well... I'm really not sure of the reason... they didn't have the swine flu... but they were culled and killed anyways... because they were under quarantine and the government discovered that pigs apparently grow so ordered them killed."

"Yeah, the government is discovering things that other people already know all the time and when faced with what is for them a new tidbit of empirical information react with the emotional judgement of Josef Stalin," Dracul stated.

"That's about it," the farmer admitted, "so what brings you here?".

"We think we've discovered what it is that's carrying the virus for this H1N1 virus that's affecting both pigs and humans," Dracul replied.

To be continued.

The Ghost of Flickering Lights

It was the place they called Flickering Lights
across the street from Wuthering Heights
but after Cathy and Heathcliff
while dancing in the biff
appeared on Dancing With The Stars
getting thoroughly sloshed in cocktail bars
that the Heights was then put up for sale
until it got crushed by a flying whale.

Now all that remains are Flickering Lights
for gone to pieces is Wuthering Heights
Now Flickering Lights is owned
by Nathaniel Groaned
the CEO of Not So General Electric
whose stock trading is quite eclectic
From Wall Street to Broadway
his stocks are down
following power outages
all over town.

It was a dark and stormy night
and Nat was sleeping tight
when lights flickered on
and the chess board
moved its own chess pawn
then lights flickered off
and there was a ghostly cough
for Doctor Buckley's does not help the spirits of the dead
nor remove a nasal cold from a ghostly head.

Coughing and wheezing
and ectoplasmic sneezing
never in history was a haunting so sick
then Groucho Marx's spirit started doing his schtick.

"Enough is enough!"
Nat's voice sounded rough
the entire house was enveloped in ghostly clusters
who was he gonna call? Why, Ghostbusters!

There was Nathan de Burgh Polar Bear Private Eye
whose hairs on his white fur coat reached the sky
when he heard a ghostly wheeze
followed by a spirited sneeze
which caused even the polar bear
to turn cold and freeze.

"Stop acting like a PC!"
he felt a tap on the knee
it was Jack O' Hare
his partner in time
holding a sliced kiwi
along with some lime.

"I googled this on my Mac,"
said Jack with little tac.
With kiwi and lime
(say doesn't that rhyme?)
he sang so sublime
a Gregorian chant
with medieval cant
pre-Vatican Two
it worked through and through.

Holy kiwi, holy lime
just in the nick of time
these fruits blessed with Holy Water and morning dew
and an exorcism prayer of Saint Matthew
drove off these ghosts with their annoying flu.



The End.

Send In The Clones (No! Don't!)

The millionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was on the phone talking to his chief of security and corporate espionage Renfield R. Renfield.

"So are we going to get the $10 billion loan from Solomon Solstein so I can become a billionaire again?" Set asked.

"Well, boss," Renfield replied, "I thought I had that loan in the bag along with all those tuna fish sandwiches that were left over from the bar mitzvah but unfortunately just as we were leaving Amadeus went and opened his mouth and told a rather lewd joke he had recently heard about a priest, a minister and a rabbi which rather catastrophically deeply offended Solomon Solstein's mother so it could be the loan is dead in the water along with all the mermaids and tuna that have washed up on the beach here."

"Amadeus," Set seethed and hit his forehead which he shouldn't have done since the fingernails on his talon of a hand were extremely long.

"Athelstan, get me a bandage," the millionaire ancient Egyptian vampire screamed from his sitting room.

His valet and proper English gentleman Athelstan arrived with some bandages and some ointment for cuts.

"Amadeus again, sir?" Athelstan asked nonchalantly.

"Yes," Set seethed. He was very much regretting having created that genetic clone from the DNA of composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, British actor Alan Rickman and California mass murderer Charles Manson.

Something had obviously gone terribly wrong in the transmission of that DNA.

To be continued.

Cinco de Mayo

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was dressed in an exquisitely beautiful scarlet red evening dress with elegant black ruffled sleeves on her shoulders and classy black spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes on her feet.

She was looking out the top floor window from one of Mexico City's highest skyscrapers.

She gazed down sadly at the not so crowded streets of Mexico City.

Today the Cinco de Mayo (5th of May which commemorated the victory of Mexican forces over the French soldiers of Napoleon III at the Battle of Puebla on May 5th, 1862) usually saw the streets of Mexico City overflowing with happy singing and dancing people. But in the wake of the swine flu outbreak (or to use its more politically correct name- H1N1 A Virus- the virus formerly known as swine flu), not many had ventured out even though Mexican public health authorities had said the worst of the outbreak was now over.

Qonzilqointec sighed as she thought of previous festive Cinco de Mayo celebrations.

Where in the evenings after the sun had set, she too would be dancing in the streets with her people.

But that had changed because of H1N1 A Virus- the virus formerly known as swine flu.

On the radio, Prince the artist formerly known as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince could be heard singing the song lyrics, "Let's party like it's 1999."

Qonzilqointec asked her maid Luiza to go turn off the radio as she thought it was inappropriate given the circumstances.

Qonzilqointec watched as the young and pretty Luiza in her tight fitting maid dress, black silk nylons and black spiked stilettos bent over to turn off the radio dial.

Qonzilqointec had been having strange thoughts about Luiza for over a year now ever since she had heard Katy Perry sing those haunting lyrics "I kissed a girl and I liked it" at an evening concert that the Aztec vampire princess had attended.

She picked up her mobile phone and called Dracul Van Helsing.

Even though she was a vampiress and he Dracul Van Helsing was a vampire hunter, they had had several one night stands together.

They talked for several minutes.

Then Qonzilqointec shrieked in ecstasy and put the phone down.

She ran to take a shower.

When she came back, the phone was ringing again.

"Again?" she thought.

Her water bills had been extremely high last month.

But to her disappointment, it was just former Cuban President President Fidel Castro calling her to discuss Latin American politics.

"So," Qonzilqointec held her towel tightly around her dripping breasts, "is your brother Raul going to enact the reforms that United States President Barack Obama has suggested?"

Fidel choked on his cigar at the other end of the phone and retorted, "When pigs fly..."

Princess Qonzilqointec looked out the window and noticed a huge pig with large bat-like wings and large pointed vampiric incisors protruding out of its mouth flying straight towards her window.

In the offices of Coast To Coast AM Radio host George Noory, one of his assistants remarked to the well-known host of the program dedicated to discussing the paranormal, "Gee, this is a really weird letter even by the standards of mail we usually get. This person is claiming that the recent swine flu virus that has broken out in Mexico is caused by a pig who's a vampire and can fly."

Back in the top floor skyscraper penthouse in Mexico City, Princess Qonzilqointec had seen many strange things in her short 500-year-life as a vampiress but this strange sight of the boar with vampiric incisors larger than his tusks caused her to scream.

And not in ecstasy.


To be continued.

Champagne Bar Mitzvah

"More champagne?" the short skirted French maid looking blonde held a tray of glasses of champagne in front of Amadeus Emanon.

"Thanks," Amadeus helped himself to his fourth glass of the evening.

Renfield R. Renfield looked at Amadeus. All he needed was a drunken genetic clone on his hands (or his paws should Renfield suddenly shapeshift into a hamster).

Renfield shot a needle into his arm.

Not because Renfield was a junkie.

At least not for drugs.

Renfield had a craving for tuna fish sandwiches.

But he also had an allergy to tuna fish.

So the medication he took through the needle enabled him to eat tuna fish sandwiches without suddenly breaking into a case of hives.

Renfield hurriedly put the needle back into his pocket when he saw Solomon Solstein approach.

Solomon Solstein was the western world's only major businessman who wasn't suffering from the global recession.

Solstein had rather wisely invested in a Chinese auto company- BYD Auto- which had just developed the E6 electric car which ran on a ferrous ion (rather than lithium) based electric battery which can go 400 km on a single charge.

Solstein was going to make a fortune.

Renfield was here at the bar mitzvah for Solomon Solstein's son Solomon Solstein Jr. to ask the elder Solstein for a loan of $10 billion so that Renfield's boss the formerly billionaire (and currently millionaire) ancient Egyptian vampire Set could be a billionaire again.

"Mr. Renfield," the jovial gentleman grabbed his hand and shook it, "how's your boss these days?".

"Well, there's a certain financial matter that I'd like to discuss with you on behalf of my boss," Renfield replied.

"Sure, meet me in my office next Monday," Solomon handed Renfield a cigar, "but today let's eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow the Dow Jones may never recover."

"Do you have any tuna fish sandwiches here?" Renfield asked Solomon Solstein.

"Do you have any pork sandwiches here?" asked Amadeus as he came over to join them.

Solstein glared at Amadeus, "Tuna yes, pork no."

Renfield hit Amadeus on the back of the head.

"But eat and drink to your heart's content, gentlemen," Solomon waved, "for today is my son's bar mitzvah. Today is the day my son has finally become a man."

"I wonder," Amadeus (who was a big fan of Miss California 2009) asked aloud, "when Perez Hilton is going to have his bar mitzvah so he'll finally become a man?".

To be continued.