Hockey and Pork Barbecue Night In Canada

(Scene: 1st Intermission period of Hockey Night In Canada, Saturday, May 23rd, 2009)

(Ron MacLean and Don Cherry are standing on a central Alberta pig farm with a huge barbecue going on in the background)

Don: I'm not going to talk about the game tonight. We all know what a great player Sidney Crosby is and if you don't know what a great player Sidney Crosby is, you're probably either a member of the Taliban or the NDP...

Ron: Why are you wearing images of Porky Pig on your neck tie?

Don: That's a very good question. There are two reasons why I'm wearing Porky Pig on my necktie:
#1. Porky Pig is a swell guy. A great cartoon character. No question. The only cartoon character better than Porky Pig is Bugs Bunny...

Ron: You think Bugs Bunny is the best cartoon character around?

Don: Of course. When he says, what's up doc?... I hit the floor laughing every time...

Ron: Most hot-blooded Canadian males would have probably picked Jessica Rabbit as the greatest cartoon character of them all. I guess this means you're not a hot-blooded Canadian male...

(Don Cherry looks pissed off)

Ron: So what's the second reason you're wearing images of Porky Pig on your necktie?

Don: The second reason is to support the Alberta pork industry. Thanks to those namby pamby Marxist pansies in the UN and the World Health Organization, many countries have become convinced that eating Alberta pork will give you the swine flu. This is a bunch of "Red" crap...

Ron: As opposed to brown crap...

Don: You know what I mean... Marxist-Leninist b.s. ... that's what we're doing here tonight. We're here on a central Alberta pig farm with a huge pork barbecue going on... telling people to eat Alberta pork...

Ron: So why aren't you eating Alberta pork?

Don: I like mine well done.

(Hyung Grace Kwan dressed in a low-cut red evening dress slit up the side and wearing tan nylons and red spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes hands Don Cherry a pork slice on a bun)

Don: See? See what's she wearing? See how she's dressed? I do like taking my meat from a woman in a low-cut evening dress. So I guess I'm a red-blooded Canadian male after all.

Ron: So you're a rice-chaser I take it?

Don: A what?

Ron: A rice chaser.

Don: I don't know what you mean by that. But all these namby pamby Marxist pansies at the UN and World Health Organization who pour homo milk all over their Rice Krispies and refuse to eat Alberta pork...

Ron: It looks like we've got another boar besides you here...

Don: Are you saying I'm boring?

(At that moment, a winged wild boar with vampiric incisors lands on the farm sending people scattering)

Don: What the Hell is that?

Hyung (grabbing a barbecue fork and doing Kung Fu moves on her stilettos): Everybody stay back this is a vampire...

Don: Well, I'll be... (what Don Cherry says is bleeped out)

Voice of Rosebob (Orson Welles' parrot): Not from Hyung you won't be. She gets it on with Dracul Van Helsing.

(Hyung drives the fork through the vampiric wild boar's heart)

Hyung: Another pig for the grill, Dracul... (she hands the pierced wild boar on the fork to Dracul)

Farmer: Wine is now being served.

Rosebob: We will sell no wine before its time...

To be continued.