Saturday, January 23, 2016
Amadeus' Ode To Dorian Gray
Amadeus' Ode To Dorian Gray
After his evening of drinking a dozen bottles of absinthe, Amadeus Emanon wrote the following ode to Dorian Gray:
Dorian in the picture gazing down at me,
Dorian in the picture what exactly do you see?
Dorian in the picture- you're a Hellful spectral sight
you're not the same as that handsome youth of night
who wanders London streets never aging in my sight.
Dorian in the picture what dark deeds have you done?
Dorian in the picture, to Satan your soul's been won?
Murder and betrayal has become your deadly bread
if this portrait is destroyed, will you wind up dead?
Dorian in the picture, are you lot like me?
If my soul like yours was revealed for all the world to see
would I stop what I was doing for the rest of Eternity?
-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 22nd
2016.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
The Universe Is Unfolding (Possibly Not As It Should)
The Universe Is Unfolding (Possibly Not As It Should)
Dr. Cadbury Rocher was in the Set Enterprises lab doing some Prognostication experiments with Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.
He was seeing what results would come out of this year's Oscars.
On the computer screen, Dr. Rocher was viewing what Michelangelo was viewing through his prophetic lobster antennae which were hooked up to the computer.
Host of this Year's Oscars (on stage) : Well I see by the number of people wearing white hoods and white robes and by the number of flaming burning crosses outside the auditorium, we've got a different sort of crowd at this year's Oscars...
. . .
Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell the Executive Vice-President of Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. in London was petting his Siamese cat Oysterella and wondering what he should do now after receiving the latest memo from his higher-ups the Board of Directors of the Company.
The Board of Directors of his Company were demanding that he find the next big music superstar pronto or he'd be finding himself in line at the Unemployment office.
"Oh dear Oysterella," the Music Exec sighed, "where am I going to find the next big music superstar?".
. . .
Although Amadeus Emanon was quite fond of most varieties of food, he had been a teetotaler in his drinking habits for most of his life.
But after a recent conversation with his good friend the New Orleans vampiress and songstress Angelique Dumont, he had decided to become the next big thing to hit the arts.
As such he had purchased a dozen bottles of absinthe since he had heard that absinthe had served as an inspirational muse for great writers such as Ernest Hemingway, Charles Baudelaire and Oscar Wilde and great artists such as Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec and Amedeo Modigliani.
As Michelangelo sputtered and asked for Viagra in lobstertalk in his lobster tank as he psychically picked up the name Modigliani from Amadeus' thoughts and immediately thought of Sherrielock Holmes, Amadeus meanwhile lay at the bottom of the stairs after finishing off his dozenth bottle of absinthe.
"The follies of drunkenness," Renfield remarked as he stepped over the dozing Amadeus at the bottom of the stairs.
When he reached the top of the stairs, he looked down at the sleeping Amadeus.
"I wonder what evil influences Amadeus has fallen under," Renfield asked himself as he sipped from his 24th bottle of bourbon this night.
He went into his bedroom and used his Find-Yourself-A-Hooker app on his smart phone to do just that.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 20th
2016.
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
Amadeus and Renfield: Contrasts In Handling Life's Down Moments
Amadeus and Renfield: Contrasts In Handling Life's Down Moments
Amadeus Emanon was having a bad week.
A lot of his favourite artists and performers had been dying lately.
First there had been David Bowie, then there had been Alan Rickman whom he had thought of as a father (since some of Rickman's DNA had gone into the genetic cloning and creation of Amadeus) and now Glenn Frey of The Eagles.
As Amadeus moped about the house (the colossal London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set), Renfield R. Renfield was happily bringing home hookers and banging away with them in a massive orgy of sex, bourbon and Cuban cigars.
He was also waiting by the phone to see if former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin would endorse him for President of the United States.
But Sarah fell for the guy with the weird looking toupee.
Renfield overcame his disappointment by lighting a cigar, opening a bottle of bourbon and saying to a lovely woman wearing a cosplay Japanese sailor suit mini dress, "Well blow me down, matey" and then hummed the Japanese national anthem as she proceeded to do just that.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 19th
2016.
Friday, January 15, 2016
Stan Was The Man: A Poem Introduced By Alfred Hitchcock
Stan Was The Man: A Poem Introduced By Alfred Hitchcock
Alfred Hitchcock: Good evening, I'm Alfred Hitchcock and welcome to Alfred Hitchcock Presents. I'll start out by saying that rumours of my death have not been greatly exaggerated. I've been dead now for almost 36 years. But as the old saying goes, you can't keep a good man down.
So by popular demand, my ghost has returned to bring you an encore presentation of my popular television series Alfred Hitchcock Presents for this year of 2016.
As you know I was the host of an extremely successful television series that ran on two different networks CBS and NBC over the course of a decade back in the late '50s and early '60s.
Those were the days when television studios relied on good plots and captivating dialogue to grip and enthrall their audiences.
Today of course they rely on gratuitous sex and excessive violence and close-up shots of derrières of air headed celebrities in an effort to keep their ratings high.
Some producer recently suggested that maybe they should try producing one television show this year that actually relied on that extremely old fashioned formula of good plots and captivating dialogue.
The producer immediately found himself pushed through the window of the board room from the high floor of the building he was in.
So regretably he won't be around to see his proposal come to fruition.
I myself just happened to be in the neighbourhood at the time appearing as a special guest on a Haunted Hollywood tour.
So they asked me to line up a program in the late lamented producer's memory.
So tonight, I am pleased to present a television episode that's in the form of a poem.
The poem is entitled Stan Was The Man.
Stan Was The Man: A Poem
Stan was the man
The man with the plan
The plan was to steal the Crown Jewels
and make Scotland Yard look like fools
Into the Tower of London he went
claiming to be the Duke of Kent
he helped himself to the Crown Jewels
and left behind miniature toy mules
Into the getaway car he hopped
and not once was the fleeing vehicle stopped
On streets and roads and sidewalks it went
carrying the pseudo-Duke of Kent
to pursuing police cars it would not yield
even denting the car of Renfield R. Renfield
That was their fatal mistake
one they'd regret to Eternity's gate
Renfield followed in hot pursuit
who he ran over, he didn't give a hoot
Cameron would end up replacing half his cabinet
after they wound up on London streets like scrambled eggs and squashed rabbit
Renfield caught up with the robbers three
after they crashed into a bakery
He pulled out his gun
while ordering a bun
and shot the trio dead
while helping himself to jam so red
He then ate the bun
and said, I have to run
and off he drove
this son of a gun.
Alfred Hitchcock: And so ends tonight's episode told in the form of a poem.
Stan discovered too late that the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.
The Crown Jewels were returned to the Tower of London, Stan and his compatriots paid an impromptu visit to the London Morgue and Renfield discovered a great new place to buy cinnamon buns.
As that most illustrious of playwrights Mr. William Shakespeare once said, "All's well that ends well."
And so with that in mind, I bid you adieu and good night ladies and gentlemen.
-A poem, episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents and
vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 15th
2016.
Sent from my iPhone
Alfred Hitchcock: Good evening, I'm Alfred Hitchcock and welcome to Alfred Hitchcock Presents. I'll start out by saying that rumours of my death have not been greatly exaggerated. I've been dead now for almost 36 years. But as the old saying goes, you can't keep a good man down.
So by popular demand, my ghost has returned to bring you an encore presentation of my popular television series Alfred Hitchcock Presents for this year of 2016.
As you know I was the host of an extremely successful television series that ran on two different networks CBS and NBC over the course of a decade back in the late '50s and early '60s.
Those were the days when television studios relied on good plots and captivating dialogue to grip and enthrall their audiences.
Today of course they rely on gratuitous sex and excessive violence and close-up shots of derrières of air headed celebrities in an effort to keep their ratings high.
Some producer recently suggested that maybe they should try producing one television show this year that actually relied on that extremely old fashioned formula of good plots and captivating dialogue.
The producer immediately found himself pushed through the window of the board room from the high floor of the building he was in.
So regretably he won't be around to see his proposal come to fruition.
I myself just happened to be in the neighbourhood at the time appearing as a special guest on a Haunted Hollywood tour.
So they asked me to line up a program in the late lamented producer's memory.
So tonight, I am pleased to present a television episode that's in the form of a poem.
The poem is entitled Stan Was The Man.
Stan Was The Man: A Poem
Stan was the man
The man with the plan
The plan was to steal the Crown Jewels
and make Scotland Yard look like fools
Into the Tower of London he went
claiming to be the Duke of Kent
he helped himself to the Crown Jewels
and left behind miniature toy mules
Into the getaway car he hopped
and not once was the fleeing vehicle stopped
On streets and roads and sidewalks it went
carrying the pseudo-Duke of Kent
to pursuing police cars it would not yield
even denting the car of Renfield R. Renfield
That was their fatal mistake
one they'd regret to Eternity's gate
Renfield followed in hot pursuit
who he ran over, he didn't give a hoot
Cameron would end up replacing half his cabinet
after they wound up on London streets like scrambled eggs and squashed rabbit
Renfield caught up with the robbers three
after they crashed into a bakery
He pulled out his gun
while ordering a bun
and shot the trio dead
while helping himself to jam so red
He then ate the bun
and said, I have to run
and off he drove
this son of a gun.
Alfred Hitchcock: And so ends tonight's episode told in the form of a poem.
Stan discovered too late that the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.
The Crown Jewels were returned to the Tower of London, Stan and his compatriots paid an impromptu visit to the London Morgue and Renfield discovered a great new place to buy cinnamon buns.
As that most illustrious of playwrights Mr. William Shakespeare once said, "All's well that ends well."
And so with that in mind, I bid you adieu and good night ladies and gentlemen.
-A poem, episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents and
vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 15th
2016.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Amadeus Stardust
Amadeus Stardust
The New Orleans songstress and vampiress Angelique Dumont was sitting in a black evening dress in a West London theatre auditorium memorizing her lines for the role of Mina Harker in a musical version of Dracula.
She heard the theatre auditorium door open and in walked her friend Amadeus Emanon.
He looked disheveled and his hair was wild and uncombed.
"Why, Amadeus, what's wrong?" Angelique asked him.
"David Bowie is dead," said Amadeus, a tear dripping down his cheek.
"Why, yes," Angelique nodded, "the whole world knows that David Bowie is dead. But... did you know him personally at all, Amadeus?".
"No, I never met the man," Amadeus started to weep uncontrollably.
Angelique reached into her purse and handed him a handkerchief which he accepted gratefully.
"You must have been quite a devoted fan," Angelique patted his shoulder, "to take his death pretty hard."
"He was one individual I could really relate to," Amadeus wiped his eyes, "he and Oscar Wilde I could both relate to. Although of course Oscar Wilde was already dead by the time I was genetically cloned and created in Dr. Cadbury Rocher's lab, Oscar Wilde having died way back in 1900."
"You could really relate to both Oscar Wilde and David Bowie?" Angelique was somewhat taken aback, "Does this mean you're gay or bisexual, Amadeus?".
Angelique was somewhat surprised. She had dated Amadeus on numerous occasions. Although Amadeus had always been the perfect gentlemen (as opposed to the multitude of horny males who were always trying to hump her particularly one Renfield R. Renfield), she had put this down to a somewhat Peter Pan style childlike innocence about him rather than a lack of sexual attraction to females.
"No," said Amadeus, "what I liked about Wilde and Bowie was that they always felt like outsiders, like aliens, like strangers living in a strange land. I always felt like an outsider, an alien, having been cloned and genetically created in a lab and then born wholesale as an adult emerging from a giant test tube. I was adult in body at my birth but my mind was still like a child's, like an infant's. Even now, I still grapple with being an adult on the outside but I still feel like a child on the inside."
Amadeus, she knew, had been cloned and created back in late 2005. So in effect he was only 10 years old although as he had said, he had emerged out of the giant test tube in Dr. Rocher's lab with the body of an adult.
Funny, he and Renfield were so different.
Renfield, she understood, had been genetically cloned and created back in early 2005, several months before Amadeus.
He too had emerged from the giant test tube with the body of an adult.
But she gathered that Renfield had always acted with the mind of an adult.
Perhaps it was the DNA they were cloned from.
Amadeus was cloned from the DNA of strands of hair from Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, British actor Alan Rickman and California mass murderer Charles Manson.
Renfield had been cloned from the DNA of strands of hair from Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte, French poet Charles Baudelaire and Germany's Iron Chancellor Otto von Bismarck as well as the DNA of North Korean cannibalistic killer hamsters (who had been secretly created in a Pyongyang lab back in 2000).
The latter strands of DNA allowed Renfield to shape shift from human to hamster and back again.
"I'm sorry you feel like such an outsider, Amadeus," she patted his shoulder again.
"It doesn't help knowing that I've got someone like Charles Manson in my DNA," Amadeus moaned, "does this mean that I'm going to someday become a murderer like Manson?".
"Despite what the eugenicists of old and the eugenicists of today might think," Angelique whispered to Amadeus, "DNA like clothes do not make the man."
Amadeus stopped crying.
"So," Amadeus asked Angelique, "who do you think will be the next David Bowie?".
Angelique smiled at him, "David Bowie was one of a kind. There will never be another David Bowie. Just like there will never truly be another Oscar Wilde. That's the thing about great artists. They're truly one of a kind. No one will ever be truly like them. Great artists were and are great because they were and always are what they are."
"So no new David Bowie?"Amadeus looked at the stage.
"The world never does know what it's looking for," Angelique said, "it stumbles around like a man in a fog shrouded night. Oscar Wilde burst on the world in the late 19th Century. David Bowie burst on the world in the late 20th Century. The world is only 4 years away from the decade of the 2020s. Maybe what the world needs right now is not another Oscar Wilde or another David Bowie."
"So," Amadeus looked down, "what does the world need right now?".
"Well," Angelique stood up, "maybe what the world needs right now... is... Amadeus Emanon."
Angelique walked away leaving Amadeus in the darkness of the theatre auditorium.
A few minutes later the theatre's lightning technician, practicing for when the play started in an hour's time, just happened to shine the spotlight on Amadeus sitting in his seat in the darkened auditorium.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 12th
2016.
Post-Script: The great actor Alan Rickman who played Severus Snape in all 8 Harry Potter films as well as numerous other great roles in film, on stage and on radio died today Thursday January 14th 2016 at the age of 69.
I've always been a huge fan of Alan Rickman.
When I first introduced the character of Amadeus Emanon into my series of vampire novels back in 2006, I chose Alan Rickman as one of the persons whose DNA was involved in his cloning.
I wrote this particular chapter two days ago Tuesday January 12th (two days after the death of David Bowie),
Little did I know at the time of that writing 2 days ago that Alan Rickman (from whom part of Amadeus Emanon was cloned) would die 2 days later.
It makes the ending of this chapter a lot more poignant (and possibly prophetic).
-Christopher
Sent from my iPhone
The New Orleans songstress and vampiress Angelique Dumont was sitting in a black evening dress in a West London theatre auditorium memorizing her lines for the role of Mina Harker in a musical version of Dracula.
She heard the theatre auditorium door open and in walked her friend Amadeus Emanon.
He looked disheveled and his hair was wild and uncombed.
"Why, Amadeus, what's wrong?" Angelique asked him.
"David Bowie is dead," said Amadeus, a tear dripping down his cheek.
"Why, yes," Angelique nodded, "the whole world knows that David Bowie is dead. But... did you know him personally at all, Amadeus?".
"No, I never met the man," Amadeus started to weep uncontrollably.
Angelique reached into her purse and handed him a handkerchief which he accepted gratefully.
"You must have been quite a devoted fan," Angelique patted his shoulder, "to take his death pretty hard."
"He was one individual I could really relate to," Amadeus wiped his eyes, "he and Oscar Wilde I could both relate to. Although of course Oscar Wilde was already dead by the time I was genetically cloned and created in Dr. Cadbury Rocher's lab, Oscar Wilde having died way back in 1900."
"You could really relate to both Oscar Wilde and David Bowie?" Angelique was somewhat taken aback, "Does this mean you're gay or bisexual, Amadeus?".
Angelique was somewhat surprised. She had dated Amadeus on numerous occasions. Although Amadeus had always been the perfect gentlemen (as opposed to the multitude of horny males who were always trying to hump her particularly one Renfield R. Renfield), she had put this down to a somewhat Peter Pan style childlike innocence about him rather than a lack of sexual attraction to females.
"No," said Amadeus, "what I liked about Wilde and Bowie was that they always felt like outsiders, like aliens, like strangers living in a strange land. I always felt like an outsider, an alien, having been cloned and genetically created in a lab and then born wholesale as an adult emerging from a giant test tube. I was adult in body at my birth but my mind was still like a child's, like an infant's. Even now, I still grapple with being an adult on the outside but I still feel like a child on the inside."
Amadeus, she knew, had been cloned and created back in late 2005. So in effect he was only 10 years old although as he had said, he had emerged out of the giant test tube in Dr. Rocher's lab with the body of an adult.
Funny, he and Renfield were so different.
Renfield, she understood, had been genetically cloned and created back in early 2005, several months before Amadeus.
He too had emerged from the giant test tube with the body of an adult.
But she gathered that Renfield had always acted with the mind of an adult.
Perhaps it was the DNA they were cloned from.
Amadeus was cloned from the DNA of strands of hair from Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, British actor Alan Rickman and California mass murderer Charles Manson.
Renfield had been cloned from the DNA of strands of hair from Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte, French poet Charles Baudelaire and Germany's Iron Chancellor Otto von Bismarck as well as the DNA of North Korean cannibalistic killer hamsters (who had been secretly created in a Pyongyang lab back in 2000).
The latter strands of DNA allowed Renfield to shape shift from human to hamster and back again.
"I'm sorry you feel like such an outsider, Amadeus," she patted his shoulder again.
"It doesn't help knowing that I've got someone like Charles Manson in my DNA," Amadeus moaned, "does this mean that I'm going to someday become a murderer like Manson?".
"Despite what the eugenicists of old and the eugenicists of today might think," Angelique whispered to Amadeus, "DNA like clothes do not make the man."
Amadeus stopped crying.
"So," Amadeus asked Angelique, "who do you think will be the next David Bowie?".
Angelique smiled at him, "David Bowie was one of a kind. There will never be another David Bowie. Just like there will never truly be another Oscar Wilde. That's the thing about great artists. They're truly one of a kind. No one will ever be truly like them. Great artists were and are great because they were and always are what they are."
"So no new David Bowie?"Amadeus looked at the stage.
"The world never does know what it's looking for," Angelique said, "it stumbles around like a man in a fog shrouded night. Oscar Wilde burst on the world in the late 19th Century. David Bowie burst on the world in the late 20th Century. The world is only 4 years away from the decade of the 2020s. Maybe what the world needs right now is not another Oscar Wilde or another David Bowie."
"So," Amadeus looked down, "what does the world need right now?".
"Well," Angelique stood up, "maybe what the world needs right now... is... Amadeus Emanon."
Angelique walked away leaving Amadeus in the darkness of the theatre auditorium.
A few minutes later the theatre's lightning technician, practicing for when the play started in an hour's time, just happened to shine the spotlight on Amadeus sitting in his seat in the darkened auditorium.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 12th
2016.
Post-Script: The great actor Alan Rickman who played Severus Snape in all 8 Harry Potter films as well as numerous other great roles in film, on stage and on radio died today Thursday January 14th 2016 at the age of 69.
I've always been a huge fan of Alan Rickman.
When I first introduced the character of Amadeus Emanon into my series of vampire novels back in 2006, I chose Alan Rickman as one of the persons whose DNA was involved in his cloning.
I wrote this particular chapter two days ago Tuesday January 12th (two days after the death of David Bowie),
Little did I know at the time of that writing 2 days ago that Alan Rickman (from whom part of Amadeus Emanon was cloned) would die 2 days later.
It makes the ending of this chapter a lot more poignant (and possibly prophetic).
-Christopher
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
The London of The Ripper and Beyond
The London of The Ripper and Beyond
The clock tower ringed by fog and mist
a sentinel of time shrouded in mystery
The cling clang of horse's hooves across the bridge
signaling a time other than our own
when our transport vehicles are silent
save for the incessant honking of the horn by the solipsistic narcissist within.
Carriage stops
door opens
out steps a man in black
black hat
black cloak
black cape
A woman's scream in the night
that seems to piece the very fog itself
Such a scream was the signal of distress in the Ripper's London.
And like those times of fog and mist
The Ripper legend continues to be shrouded in mystery.
Oh what foul deeds of darkness were then committed in the dark of night
Foul deeds that now are committed by others and broadcast on TV-morning, evening, day and night
In these times, darkness has become our normal light.
-A poem written by Christopher
Sunday January 10th
2016.
The clock tower ringed by fog and mist
a sentinel of time shrouded in mystery
The cling clang of horse's hooves across the bridge
signaling a time other than our own
when our transport vehicles are silent
save for the incessant honking of the horn by the solipsistic narcissist within.
Carriage stops
door opens
out steps a man in black
black hat
black cloak
black cape
A woman's scream in the night
that seems to piece the very fog itself
Such a scream was the signal of distress in the Ripper's London.
And like those times of fog and mist
The Ripper legend continues to be shrouded in mystery.
Oh what foul deeds of darkness were then committed in the dark of night
Foul deeds that now are committed by others and broadcast on TV-morning, evening, day and night
In these times, darkness has become our normal light.
-A poem written by Christopher
Sunday January 10th
2016.
Saturday, January 9, 2016
Good-Bye Mr. Chaps- Adios Señor Guzman
Good-bye Mr. Chaps- Adios Señor Guzman
Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were listening to the BBC World News on the radio.
Said the announcer, "The Mexican government has announced that it is extraditing Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman to the U.S.
Rumours are circulating that if Mr. Guzman refuses to spill his guts about drug cartel operations, the U.S. government will threaten him with a sentence of serving as chief toupee wig washer to Donald Trump."
"That was my suggestion to the U.S. government," Renfield grinned.
"No wonder they use you as the final authority in interrogating ISIS prisoners of war," Amadeus remarked.
Renfield smiled as he pulled the wings off a fly, dipped it in arsenic and put it in the middle of a spider's web.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday January 9th
2016.
Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were listening to the BBC World News on the radio.
Said the announcer, "The Mexican government has announced that it is extraditing Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman to the U.S.
Rumours are circulating that if Mr. Guzman refuses to spill his guts about drug cartel operations, the U.S. government will threaten him with a sentence of serving as chief toupee wig washer to Donald Trump."
"That was my suggestion to the U.S. government," Renfield grinned.
"No wonder they use you as the final authority in interrogating ISIS prisoners of war," Amadeus remarked.
Renfield smiled as he pulled the wings off a fly, dipped it in arsenic and put it in the middle of a spider's web.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday January 9th
2016.
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Dulcinea Lucia and Kim Jong-un
Dulcinea Lucia and Kim Jong-un
Gypsy fortune teller Dulcinea Lucia had a dream about the Far East as she lay in bed.
She dreamed she was in a theatre in Pyongyang the North Korean capital.
On stage suddenly appeared the North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un holding a microphone and dressed in a white tuxedo and doing the John Travolta Saturday Night Fever pose.
Behind Kim Jong-un, a map of America was projected on to the wall behind him.
Turning with his microphone towards the projected map of America, the North Korean dictator started to sing to the tune of the song Daisy A Day,
" I'll give you an H-bomb a day, dear
I'll give you an H-bomb a day
I'll bomb you until the rivers run red
And the flesh off your dead bodies melts away..."
On the floor of the stage where the Hermit Kingdom's psychopath-in-chief sang, a severed charcoal burnt Black Hand single handedly vigourously applauded with its fingers and thumb.
Dulcinea Lucia woke up screaming.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 6th
2016.
Gypsy fortune teller Dulcinea Lucia had a dream about the Far East as she lay in bed.
She dreamed she was in a theatre in Pyongyang the North Korean capital.
On stage suddenly appeared the North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un holding a microphone and dressed in a white tuxedo and doing the John Travolta Saturday Night Fever pose.
Behind Kim Jong-un, a map of America was projected on to the wall behind him.
Turning with his microphone towards the projected map of America, the North Korean dictator started to sing to the tune of the song Daisy A Day,
" I'll give you an H-bomb a day, dear
I'll give you an H-bomb a day
I'll bomb you until the rivers run red
And the flesh off your dead bodies melts away..."
On the floor of the stage where the Hermit Kingdom's psychopath-in-chief sang, a severed charcoal burnt Black Hand single handedly vigourously applauded with its fingers and thumb.
Dulcinea Lucia woke up screaming.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 6th
2016.
Monday, January 4, 2016
Saudi-Iranian Relations and The Case of The Renfieldian Interpreter
Saudi-Iranian Relations and The Case of the Renfieldian Interpreter
"So I'm now involved in diplomacy and peace-making efforts," Renfield informed Amadeus.
Amadeus spewed the Coca-Cola out of his mouth upon hearing these words and the liquid went flying to the other side of the room where it hit the computer screen.
"God, now I feel like the Ancient Greek Titan Hyperion for some reason," Amadeus wiped his mouth with his handkerchief.
Athelstan the butler and valet entered the room and started applying Bavarian Magic Mushroom Stain Remover to the computer screen.
"As you know the Boss," Renfield was referring to their employer the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, "is quite concerned about the fact that his brother, brother-in-law and rival Osiris has been clandestinely involved in world peace- making efforts ever since his sub- atomic particles were re-assembled and put back together again back in Halloween of 2014. So the Boss would like to be involved in international diplomacy himself."
"So, why isn't he?" Amadeus started to cry over his spilled Coca-Cola.
"Well," Renfield explained as Amadeus started blubbering away, "as you know, the Boss has been heavily involved the past few months in intense aromatherapy sessions to see if this will help him overcome his fear of garlic. And as such, he's passed the efforts in international diplomacy on to me."
Amadeus collapsed to the floor where he started laughing hysterically.
"I say, Amadeus," Renfield sipped his whiskey, "have you ever thought of seeing the doctor and getting a check up to see if you're bipolar?".
Athelstan started vacuuming the carpet around the hysterically laughing Amadeus.
When Athelstan had finished vacuuming and Amadeus had returned to his seat, Renfield went on, "As you know tensions have been rising between Saudi Arabia and Iran over the Saudi government's recent execution of Saudi Shia cleric Sheikh Nimr al-Nimr. Demonstrators stormed the Saudi Embassy in Tehran and set the place on fire. This past Sunday, Saudi Foreign Minister Adel al-Jubeir announced that the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia was breaking off diplomatic relations with Iran and was giving Iranian diplomats 48 hours to leave the country. Saudi Arabia's allies Bahrain and Sudan have likewise broken off diplomatic relations with Iran and the United Arab Emirates has downgraded its diplomatic team in Tehran. The United States government is as always overcome by paralysis when confronted with a crisis and the U.S. President is busy consulting the astrological birth chart of his favourite uneaten oyster to see what he should do about the situation. Into this diplomatic minefield, I have now stepped."
The globe of the world in the middle of the room shook.
"And what have you done?" Amadeus asked with some trepidation.
"I wrote a Document of Understanding between the two countries and had it translated into both Arabic and Persian and sent a copy to each country to sign," Renfield grinned.
"Who did you use as a translator?" Amadeus asked as he bit into a grilled cheese sandwich.
"I can't pronounce his name but here it is," Renfield wrote the man's name on a piece of paper and handed it to Amadeus.
"He once served as a translator on a trip the then U.S. President Jimmy Carter took to Poland almost 40 years ago," Renfield smiled.
"Was he the fellow I recently read about," Amadeus reflected, "who when Carter said "I want to come to know the Polish people", he translated as "I want to come to have carnal relations with the Polish people" and when Carter said, "I've come to help the Polish people fulfill their desires for the future", he translated it as "I've come to help the Polish people fulfill their lusts for the future." That was the guy you used to translate your Document of Understanding?".
Renfield's face turned red with horror upon hearing Amadeus' words.
"Well, I suppose we should now prepare for war between Saudi Arabia and Iran," Amadeus stated as the globe of the world fell off its axis and bounced around the living room.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 4th
2016.
Sent from my iPhone
"So I'm now involved in diplomacy and peace-making efforts," Renfield informed Amadeus.
Amadeus spewed the Coca-Cola out of his mouth upon hearing these words and the liquid went flying to the other side of the room where it hit the computer screen.
"God, now I feel like the Ancient Greek Titan Hyperion for some reason," Amadeus wiped his mouth with his handkerchief.
Athelstan the butler and valet entered the room and started applying Bavarian Magic Mushroom Stain Remover to the computer screen.
"As you know the Boss," Renfield was referring to their employer the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, "is quite concerned about the fact that his brother, brother-in-law and rival Osiris has been clandestinely involved in world peace- making efforts ever since his sub- atomic particles were re-assembled and put back together again back in Halloween of 2014. So the Boss would like to be involved in international diplomacy himself."
"So, why isn't he?" Amadeus started to cry over his spilled Coca-Cola.
"Well," Renfield explained as Amadeus started blubbering away, "as you know, the Boss has been heavily involved the past few months in intense aromatherapy sessions to see if this will help him overcome his fear of garlic. And as such, he's passed the efforts in international diplomacy on to me."
Amadeus collapsed to the floor where he started laughing hysterically.
"I say, Amadeus," Renfield sipped his whiskey, "have you ever thought of seeing the doctor and getting a check up to see if you're bipolar?".
Athelstan started vacuuming the carpet around the hysterically laughing Amadeus.
When Athelstan had finished vacuuming and Amadeus had returned to his seat, Renfield went on, "As you know tensions have been rising between Saudi Arabia and Iran over the Saudi government's recent execution of Saudi Shia cleric Sheikh Nimr al-Nimr. Demonstrators stormed the Saudi Embassy in Tehran and set the place on fire. This past Sunday, Saudi Foreign Minister Adel al-Jubeir announced that the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia was breaking off diplomatic relations with Iran and was giving Iranian diplomats 48 hours to leave the country. Saudi Arabia's allies Bahrain and Sudan have likewise broken off diplomatic relations with Iran and the United Arab Emirates has downgraded its diplomatic team in Tehran. The United States government is as always overcome by paralysis when confronted with a crisis and the U.S. President is busy consulting the astrological birth chart of his favourite uneaten oyster to see what he should do about the situation. Into this diplomatic minefield, I have now stepped."
The globe of the world in the middle of the room shook.
"And what have you done?" Amadeus asked with some trepidation.
"I wrote a Document of Understanding between the two countries and had it translated into both Arabic and Persian and sent a copy to each country to sign," Renfield grinned.
"Who did you use as a translator?" Amadeus asked as he bit into a grilled cheese sandwich.
"I can't pronounce his name but here it is," Renfield wrote the man's name on a piece of paper and handed it to Amadeus.
"He once served as a translator on a trip the then U.S. President Jimmy Carter took to Poland almost 40 years ago," Renfield smiled.
"Was he the fellow I recently read about," Amadeus reflected, "who when Carter said "I want to come to know the Polish people", he translated as "I want to come to have carnal relations with the Polish people" and when Carter said, "I've come to help the Polish people fulfill their desires for the future", he translated it as "I've come to help the Polish people fulfill their lusts for the future." That was the guy you used to translate your Document of Understanding?".
Renfield's face turned red with horror upon hearing Amadeus' words.
"Well, I suppose we should now prepare for war between Saudi Arabia and Iran," Amadeus stated as the globe of the world fell off its axis and bounced around the living room.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 4th
2016.
Sent from my iPhone
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)