Amadeus' Dream About A Political Candidates' Meeting
Amadeus Emanon was asleep and dreaming that he was at a political candidates' meeting.
The British Liberal Democratic Party were not running a candidate in the riding.
And the British Labour Party candidate was absent after coming down with acute laryngitis after a karaoke evening of trying to sing Beyonce songs with his baritone voice in a neighbourhood pub.
The only candidates present were the British Conservative Party candidate and Renfield R. Renfield representing the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party of which he was the founder and leader.
The meeting chairman called on the Conservative candidate to speak first.
"Well speaking as a Conservative candidate," the Conservative candidate began, "I just droll on... and on... never letting anybody get a word in edgewise... until I froth at the mouth and fall over backwards..."
The Conservative Party candidate then proceeded to do just that.
As he was carried away on a stretcher into a waiting ambulance, the meeting chairman then called on Renfield to speak.
"Well speaking as a psychopathic hypersexualized serial womanizer," Renfield began, "which a woman called me in a recent Facebook posting..."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday December 29th
2013.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Thursday, December 19, 2013
The Revenge of Isis
The Revenge of Isis
The Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis sat seething in a Parisienne sidewalk cafe.
Russian President Vladimir Putin was really starting to piss her off.
First, last December 21st, a Russian nuclear submarine had fired a laser death ray at the spaceship returning her brother, husband and lover Osiris to earth disintegrating both spaceship and Osiris.
Now she had a lot more pieces of Osiris to pick up and re-assemble together than she did the time Osiris was dismembered and cut up into 14 pieces by her brother, brother-in-law and enemy Set millenia ago.
A group of the world's best particle physicists she had assembled to put Osiris together again.
But it was slow painstaking work.
They worked around the clock.
The night team of particle physicists were called All The King's Horses.
And the day team of particle physicists were called All The King's Men.
Osiris himself was designated by the U.S. Secret Service code name Humpty Dumpty according to the leaked Edward Snowden documents.
Now Putin was pissing her off again by arranging a financial bailout of Ukraine.
Putin's puppet President of Ukraine Viktor Yanukovych had rejected EU integration and had received a financial bailout and cheaper Russian natural gas as a result.
By doing so, Ukraine was preventing her puppets from taking power, Isis thought as she angrily bit into an orange.
How dare Putin oppose her New World Order.
After all this had been something she and her exiled lover Osiris (Osiris had been exiled to the star system of Sirius by a black magic spell cast by their enemy Set- the black magic spell did have an expiry date- something that had been known to the Mayans, the Aztecs and the Hopi Indians but not the seer Nostradamus despite the claims of fictional History Channel programs)
had been planning for centuries.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 19th
2013
The Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis sat seething in a Parisienne sidewalk cafe.
Russian President Vladimir Putin was really starting to piss her off.
First, last December 21st, a Russian nuclear submarine had fired a laser death ray at the spaceship returning her brother, husband and lover Osiris to earth disintegrating both spaceship and Osiris.
Now she had a lot more pieces of Osiris to pick up and re-assemble together than she did the time Osiris was dismembered and cut up into 14 pieces by her brother, brother-in-law and enemy Set millenia ago.
A group of the world's best particle physicists she had assembled to put Osiris together again.
But it was slow painstaking work.
They worked around the clock.
The night team of particle physicists were called All The King's Horses.
And the day team of particle physicists were called All The King's Men.
Osiris himself was designated by the U.S. Secret Service code name Humpty Dumpty according to the leaked Edward Snowden documents.
Now Putin was pissing her off again by arranging a financial bailout of Ukraine.
Putin's puppet President of Ukraine Viktor Yanukovych had rejected EU integration and had received a financial bailout and cheaper Russian natural gas as a result.
By doing so, Ukraine was preventing her puppets from taking power, Isis thought as she angrily bit into an orange.
How dare Putin oppose her New World Order.
After all this had been something she and her exiled lover Osiris (Osiris had been exiled to the star system of Sirius by a black magic spell cast by their enemy Set- the black magic spell did have an expiry date- something that had been known to the Mayans, the Aztecs and the Hopi Indians but not the seer Nostradamus despite the claims of fictional History Channel programs)
had been planning for centuries.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 19th
2013
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Radio News Story From The Future About Katy Perry
Radio News Story From The Future About Katy Perry
Tired of seeing Ukrainians demonstrating in the streets of Kiev on BBC World News on TV, Renfield decided to go down to the Set Enterprises Lab and see if Michelangelo the genetically created psychic lobster could pick up another radio news transmission from the future on his lobster antennae.
As Renfield adjusted Michelangelo's antennae much to the lobster's discomfort, words came through on the computer loud speaker.
Michelangelo's antennae were hooked up to wires on the computer which picked up the transmissions Michelangelo received.
This was the radio news story from the future that Michelangelo had picked up...
... "This just in. Tragedy has struck American singer Katy Perry on her recent African safari. While wearing a tiger's eye necklace the singer was eaten by a lion while trying to roar at it.
The singer had spent weeks learning how to roar like a lion at a newly opened animal languages school in the South African township of Soweto.
Miss Perry had roared "I come in peace" according to her lion language teacher who accompanied her on the safari but the lion wasn't impressed and ate her.
Nothing much is known about her lion language teacher who taught Miss Perry how to roar like a lion other than he has caused controversy in the past when he served as an interpreter for the deaf at the world leaders' memorial service held for the late South African leader Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg.
According to a British veterinarian named Dolittle who was taking photos at the scene and claims to actually speak lion, he claimed the lion was walking around roaring "I ate a Yank and I liked it" afterwards.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 18th
2013.
Tired of seeing Ukrainians demonstrating in the streets of Kiev on BBC World News on TV, Renfield decided to go down to the Set Enterprises Lab and see if Michelangelo the genetically created psychic lobster could pick up another radio news transmission from the future on his lobster antennae.
As Renfield adjusted Michelangelo's antennae much to the lobster's discomfort, words came through on the computer loud speaker.
Michelangelo's antennae were hooked up to wires on the computer which picked up the transmissions Michelangelo received.
This was the radio news story from the future that Michelangelo had picked up...
... "This just in. Tragedy has struck American singer Katy Perry on her recent African safari. While wearing a tiger's eye necklace the singer was eaten by a lion while trying to roar at it.
The singer had spent weeks learning how to roar like a lion at a newly opened animal languages school in the South African township of Soweto.
Miss Perry had roared "I come in peace" according to her lion language teacher who accompanied her on the safari but the lion wasn't impressed and ate her.
Nothing much is known about her lion language teacher who taught Miss Perry how to roar like a lion other than he has caused controversy in the past when he served as an interpreter for the deaf at the world leaders' memorial service held for the late South African leader Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg.
According to a British veterinarian named Dolittle who was taking photos at the scene and claims to actually speak lion, he claimed the lion was walking around roaring "I ate a Yank and I liked it" afterwards.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 18th
2013.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Renfield's Musical Comedy Version of Hamlet
Renfield's Musical Comedy Version of Hamlet
Renfield R. Renfield had returned to London from the island of Bali.
In addition to posting a classified ad in The Times of London offering to teach Balinese dance to any interested parties, Renfield also decided to write a musical comedy version of William Shakespeare's Hamlet because he thought the world needed one.
Renfield read to Amadeus what he had written so far.
There was the ghostly speech of Hamlet's father which went thus:
"I am thy father's spirit
Mark my word not jeer it
Doomed for a certain term to walk the night
Now isn't that a fright?
And for the day confined to fast in fires
And I ain't talking funerary pyres
Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature are burnt and purged away
and cannot be doused with nasal spray..."
And so added to the crime of Claudius murdering his brother King Hamlet was the crime of Renfield murdering one of the greatest ghostly speeches in the English language.
Mercifully Renfield had not yet come up with a musical comedy version of Hamlet's To Be Or Not To Be speech.
Amadeus wiped his brow in thanksgiving.
Alas poor Polonius!
He was not so lucky.
In addition to stupidly hiding behind the curtain in Queen Gertrude's chambers only to be slain by Hamlet, his last words would become immortalized in Renfieldian song,
"O, I am slain
isn't that a pain?
Those clouds Hamlet pointed out to me
I don't know if they'll rain
because I am dying
my soul will soon be flying
and I have to bid the world adieu
because as you can see my life is through."
Mercifully for Amadeus, the Polonius song was through as well.
Behold the fair Ophelia!
She wasn't so lucky either.
Here was her swan song according to Renfield,
"I think I'll go drown myself
throw my life off the shelf
Hamlet has slain my father
making me an orphaned daughter
He said, Get thee to a nunnery
when I'd prefer a Chinese bunnery
I love those steam pork buns
but now my nylons have the runs
ripped on all these flowers with thorns
puncturing my footly corns
so I throw myself into the stream
may I haunt Hamlet's dream."
"And so Hamlet's dreams of Ophelia were now wet I take it?" Amadeus asked.
"Hey, that's a good line," Renfield grinned, "I think I'll add it in somewhere."
Amadeus had enough.
He decided to head upstairs to bed.
There are many stories of statues of Mary and the Saints shedding tears in the world.
But as Amadeus approached the staircase to walk upstairs, he did not notice the bust of Shakespeare shedding tears over the murder of his work.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday, December 11th
2013.
Renfield R. Renfield had returned to London from the island of Bali.
In addition to posting a classified ad in The Times of London offering to teach Balinese dance to any interested parties, Renfield also decided to write a musical comedy version of William Shakespeare's Hamlet because he thought the world needed one.
Renfield read to Amadeus what he had written so far.
There was the ghostly speech of Hamlet's father which went thus:
"I am thy father's spirit
Mark my word not jeer it
Doomed for a certain term to walk the night
Now isn't that a fright?
And for the day confined to fast in fires
And I ain't talking funerary pyres
Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature are burnt and purged away
and cannot be doused with nasal spray..."
And so added to the crime of Claudius murdering his brother King Hamlet was the crime of Renfield murdering one of the greatest ghostly speeches in the English language.
Mercifully Renfield had not yet come up with a musical comedy version of Hamlet's To Be Or Not To Be speech.
Amadeus wiped his brow in thanksgiving.
Alas poor Polonius!
He was not so lucky.
In addition to stupidly hiding behind the curtain in Queen Gertrude's chambers only to be slain by Hamlet, his last words would become immortalized in Renfieldian song,
"O, I am slain
isn't that a pain?
Those clouds Hamlet pointed out to me
I don't know if they'll rain
because I am dying
my soul will soon be flying
and I have to bid the world adieu
because as you can see my life is through."
Mercifully for Amadeus, the Polonius song was through as well.
Behold the fair Ophelia!
She wasn't so lucky either.
Here was her swan song according to Renfield,
"I think I'll go drown myself
throw my life off the shelf
Hamlet has slain my father
making me an orphaned daughter
He said, Get thee to a nunnery
when I'd prefer a Chinese bunnery
I love those steam pork buns
but now my nylons have the runs
ripped on all these flowers with thorns
puncturing my footly corns
so I throw myself into the stream
may I haunt Hamlet's dream."
"And so Hamlet's dreams of Ophelia were now wet I take it?" Amadeus asked.
"Hey, that's a good line," Renfield grinned, "I think I'll add it in somewhere."
Amadeus had enough.
He decided to head upstairs to bed.
There are many stories of statues of Mary and the Saints shedding tears in the world.
But as Amadeus approached the staircase to walk upstairs, he did not notice the bust of Shakespeare shedding tears over the murder of his work.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday, December 11th
2013.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Renfield On Bali
Renfield On Bali
Renfield R. Renfield had overshot his intended target of the Chinese Air Defense Identification Zone over the disputed Senkaku-Diaoyu Islands and had crash landed his plane on the Indonesian island of Bali in the South Pacific.
He had spent most of the past week learning lessons in Balinese dance taught to him by beautiful and lovely Balinese women.
Then today as he walked past a hotel, he heard the news that a major deal on global world trade had just been signed in Bali by the 159 countries belonging to the World Trade Organization.
Outside the hotel, he happened to spot the ancient Babylonian vampire Mammon who was worshipped as the god of banking and commerce in ancient Babylon.
"He looks pleased as punch," Renfield thought, "he must be happy with the trade deal."
Renfield hurried down the street for his next lesson with the beautiful ladies of the Balinese dance troupe with whom he had become acquainted.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 7th
2013.
Renfield R. Renfield had overshot his intended target of the Chinese Air Defense Identification Zone over the disputed Senkaku-Diaoyu Islands and had crash landed his plane on the Indonesian island of Bali in the South Pacific.
He had spent most of the past week learning lessons in Balinese dance taught to him by beautiful and lovely Balinese women.
Then today as he walked past a hotel, he heard the news that a major deal on global world trade had just been signed in Bali by the 159 countries belonging to the World Trade Organization.
Outside the hotel, he happened to spot the ancient Babylonian vampire Mammon who was worshipped as the god of banking and commerce in ancient Babylon.
"He looks pleased as punch," Renfield thought, "he must be happy with the trade deal."
Renfield hurried down the street for his next lesson with the beautiful ladies of the Balinese dance troupe with whom he had become acquainted.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 7th
2013.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Renfield's Holiday Greetings
Renfield's Holiday Greetings
Amadeus Emanon was sitting by himself in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's mansion in West End London.
His usual compadre Renfield R. Renfield had taken holidays for a week.
The phone rang.
Amadeus picked it up.
It was Renfield.
"Hey, what's up?" Amadeus asked.
"I'm flying a U.S. Air Force jet over the newly declared Chinese Air Defense Identification Zone over the Senkaku-Diaoyu Islands," Renfield replied.
"How did you get ahold of a U.S. Air Force jet?" Amadeus asked.
"Well I shapeshifted into a hamster and managed to catch a ride with U.S. Vice-President Joe Biden on his plane over to Tokyo," Renfield answered, "then over the Pacific I parachuted on to a U.S. aircraft carrier and swiped one of their planes."
"What do you intend to do?" Amadeus asked with some trepidation.
"I intend to shoot down the first Chinese Air Force plane I see," Renfield laughed in reply.
"But might not that start World War III?" Amadeus asked.
"That's the whole idea," Renfield chuckled, "2013 has been such a lousy year, I figure the world needs a little extra special fireworks this Christmas."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 2nd
2013.
Sent from my iPhone
Amadeus Emanon was sitting by himself in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's mansion in West End London.
His usual compadre Renfield R. Renfield had taken holidays for a week.
The phone rang.
Amadeus picked it up.
It was Renfield.
"Hey, what's up?" Amadeus asked.
"I'm flying a U.S. Air Force jet over the newly declared Chinese Air Defense Identification Zone over the Senkaku-Diaoyu Islands," Renfield replied.
"How did you get ahold of a U.S. Air Force jet?" Amadeus asked.
"Well I shapeshifted into a hamster and managed to catch a ride with U.S. Vice-President Joe Biden on his plane over to Tokyo," Renfield answered, "then over the Pacific I parachuted on to a U.S. aircraft carrier and swiped one of their planes."
"What do you intend to do?" Amadeus asked with some trepidation.
"I intend to shoot down the first Chinese Air Force plane I see," Renfield laughed in reply.
"But might not that start World War III?" Amadeus asked.
"That's the whole idea," Renfield chuckled, "2013 has been such a lousy year, I figure the world needs a little extra special fireworks this Christmas."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 2nd
2013.
Sent from my iPhone
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