Marking Saint Joan of Arc's Day In A London Restaurant

After a busy evening of murdering a bunch of people he encountered while walking in Hyde Park, Pan Goatee known to the British public as the Serial Killer decided to relax by entering a restaurant and ordering a nice dish of Fish N' Chips.

After making his order, Pan Goatee (who was slowly becoming acquainted with the literary classics) thought it a shame that there wasn't a Jekyll Park in London as well where he could commit murders.

Or would Jekylll Park be strictly a park for doing good like its Stevensonian namesake's name would suggest? (something he Pan Goatee was incapable of doing)

Well he certainly lived up to Mr. Hyde's name in the way he carried on in London's Hyde Park tonight.

Pan Goatee noticed an individual at the next table tying a snail to a wooden toothpick surrounded by tiny matches around the toothpick and then setting fire to the snail.

"What are you doing?" asked Pan Goatee who was both curious and amused by the incident.

"I'm celebrating the Feast Day of Saint Joan of Arc today by burning this French escargot at the stake," Renfield R. Renfield answered.

"You must excuse my friend here," Amadeus Emanon apologized while biting into a French cream pastry puff that he managed to save from being burned at the stake for Renfield's Joan of Arc anniversary burning celebrations, "but he's somewhat strange."

Meanwhile outside the restaurant another individual who could easily be taken for Pan Goatee's identical twin brother was standing there wearing a kilt and playing the bagpipes in between interludes of calling for his haggis to please come home again.

"Will ye no' come back again?" Pan Deux sang in his thick Scottish brogue before once again blowing on his pan bagpipes giving a whole new meaning to the expression Piping In The Haggis.

"Gosh, London is full of strange individuals," Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley thought to himself as he sat at another table eating his order of buttermilk pancakes smothered in a mixture of Canadian maple syrup and Lea and Perrins Worcestershire Sauce.

To be continued.

World's Oldest Torah Scroll Found In Italy and Russian S-300 Missiles In Syria

"If Russia delivers these S-300 missiles to Syria, we are in big trouble," Israeli Defence Minister Moshe Yaalon said to his aide Uri.

"On another matter, the world's oldest complete scroll of the Torah may have been found at the University of Bologna in Italy," said his aide Uri.

"With all due respect to the Torah whose writings I love," said the Defence Minister, "what does that have to do with our national defence and security?".

Uri explained that the manuscript was originally thought to date only to the 17th Century but after carbon dating tests, the University said the texts may have been written down more than 850 years ago.

Plus Uri pointed out that the script in writing the scroll was that of the oriental Babylonian tradition meaning that the scroll must indeed be extremely old.

Then Uri went on another reason for the dating is that the text had many features forbidden in later copies of the Torah under rules laid down by the great Jewish scholar and philosopher Moses Maimonides in the 12th Century.

The Israeli Defence Minister repeated his earlier question.

"Well, sir," Uri coughed, "I can't say with absolute certainty but I've been told that there's the possibility that a commentator's footnote in this early text might actually have some relevancy to the current possibility of Russia putting S-300 missiles in Syria."

"You're kidding me," the Defence Minister looked at Uri in shock.

"No, sir," Uri shook his head, "I keep getting Intelligence reports that there are things of a bizarrely supernatural nature going on in Syria at the moment. In fact, our Mossad is trying to get its hands on the document but there are reports that a recent British MI-6 document examining the current situation in Syria is turning white the hair of everyone who reads it."

"I thought we were going to discuss matters pertaining to national defence," Moshe Yaalon sighed, "instead I feel like I've walked into an episode of that wild and crazy American TV show The X Files."

To be continued.

The Answer To The Mittendorf Dilemma?

The Invisible Man elusive Swiss billionaire Lester Mittendorf was wanting to become visible again.

Ever since he drank an invisibility potion back in the 1980s for which there was no antidote, Mittendorf could not bear NOT seeing his reflection in the mirror.

Now in front of him in an ancient book he purchased in a Zurich used book shop might be the answer.

According to the ancient alchemical text, if one drank an invisibility potion and had trouble becoming visible again, the solution was to have a vampiress bite one on the neck.

But the text cautioned, Don't let her drink all your blood or you'll be living a vampiric existence yourself.

Instead just a simple bite on the neck would allow one to become visible again.

But, Mittendorf wondered, where was he going to find a vampiress here in Switzerland?

He looked over at his TV and his HIgh Definition Video Disc Record player.

He really should watch that BBC documentary on the death heavy metal rock singer and superstar Stryker that he had recently recorded but not watched yet.

To be continued.

Renfield and Amadeus Watch A Documentary

Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were watching a BBC Documentary about the life of Stryker the death heavy metal rock singer and superstar whom Renfield killed by crucifying him in a nightclub during the early morning hours of Good Friday 2011.

Renfield crucified him because a couple of years earlier Stryker swiped the last tuna fish sandwich off the plate at a party before Renfield could get to it.

Stryker was buried in a tomb in London's Highgate Cemetery not far from Karl Marx's grave.

It was said he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday 2 days later.

"And," the documentary host went on, "it was said that 40 days later , Stryker fell down a hole in a cave in the Swiss Alps as he was followed by a group of airhead groupies.  As the groupies stood there gaping down at the hole in the cave, a demon appeared to them and said, O airhead groupies, why do you stand there gaping at the hole where the Son of Belial has descended? In like manner, you shall someday see him ascending again...."

"Ten days later it was said that a vial containing the DNA of Stryker fell off the shelf at Set Enterprises Laboratories and hit Dr. Cadbury Rocher on the head," the host related, "and Dr. Rocher said, 'I forgot all about this vial'. And then Dr. Rocher started babbling in strange tongues because of the blow on the head.  He went out in the streets of London and sang various heavy metal songs where groups of heavy metal fans from all over the world gathered and said, "He's singing those in our own language..."

"I suppose it was the DNA in that vial that Dr. Rocher used in the genetic cocktail of DNA he used to create his first half-man half-goat hybrid satyr that he called Pan No. 1 which was lost," Amadeus noted.

"Thanks to your carelessness," Renfield also noted.

Amadeus went silent.

"The cave where Stryker fell down a hole interestingly enough is not far from the Swiss chalet where lives the Vampiress Martini the legally separated wife of the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set...."

"It's too bad that marriage didn't work out," Amadeus helped himself to some Pot Of Gold chocolates.

"I suppose," Renfield grimaced as he ate a sour pickle, "still it was a marriage made for financial reasons and not romantic reasons.  As long as the boss keeps getting money from Martini, there's no reason to complain..."

To be continued.

Renfield And Amadeus Watch BBC News

..."meanwhile in other news," the BBC Announcer intoned, "British Foreign Secretary William Hague was overheard telling a staffer this morning that his wife had complained about his pubic hair having turned white the night before..."

"That's bizarre," Amadeus Emanon sipped on an iced tea.

"Very," Renfield R. Renfield agreed.

"And still on matters relating to the government, British Prime Minister David Cameron told a reporter on BBC Radio this morning that he had just read a top secret government dossier on the current situation in Syria. And while we're on matters relating to the Prime Minister, a highly informed source told BBC that this afternoon 10 Downing Street put in an order for a year's supply of Just For Men hair gel..."

"The news seems to be getting weirder and weirder each day," Amadeus ate a potato chip.

"It does indeed," Renfield helped himself to a curried goat's leg that he got at a bargain price from an emergency liquidation sale for the Westminster House of Commons Cafeteria.

"Still no word on who murdered the staff at the Westminster House of Commons Cafeteria yesterday. Videotapes showed the perpetrator wearing a Maggie Thatcher mask although some are speculating that the murderer was the serial killer that the British tabloids have dubbed the Serial Killer.  Inspector Depp of Scotland Yard announced that the police still have nothing to go on although the Scotland Yard Commissioner says he has put in a new order to replace the cracked toilet seats down at the Yard..."

To be continued.

Yes Minister At Westminster

British Foreign Secretary William Hague entered his office for a meeting with his advisors.

The Foreign Secretary stopped and looked at all his advisors, "Hey fellas, what's with the similar hair colour? And why snow white? Thinking of going on an expedition to the Antarctic?".

"You better read this, Minister," the snow white haired 21-year-old assistant deputy Foreign Secretary Malcolm Black handed Mr. Hague the Eyes Only dossier on the current situation in Syria, "and when you finish reading it, you'll probably be quite thankful that you're bald."

            

                                                 *      *     *

Three MPs entered the cafeteria for the House of Commons at Westminster.

"Good God," the first MP exclaimed as he entered through the door, "someone has murdered the entire cafeteria staff."

"I'm surprised that this hasn't happened long ago," the second MP interjected, "considering the quality of the food served here."

"I was actually looking forward to having their curried goat legs' special for this evening," the third MP sighed.

                                          *       *      *

To be continued.

Malcolm Black and The Eyes Only Document

Malcolm Black was 21 years old.

At 21 years old, he had jet black dark dark hair living up to his last name Black.

At 21 years old, he was the youngest assistant deputy cabinet minister in the British Civil Service.

At 21 years old, he was the assistant deputy foreign secretary.

He got a BA from Oxford when he was just 17 and then an MA when he was just 19- both in Politics and International Relations.

Malcolm Black was about to read an Eyes Only document on the situation in Syria.

At age 21, he was the youngest civil servant to have Eyes Only security clearance status.

The document was outlining the current situation in Syria and how an Opposition backbench MP the British government was sending to Syria could expect to deal with the crisis.

So at age 21, Malcolm Black with jet black hair was reading an Eyes Only document detailing what was really going on behind the scenes in Syria.

At age 21, Malcolm Black was going to have to change his last name.

For his hair actually turned pure white after reading the document.

To be continued.

London Double Decker Bus Massacre

Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were sitting at the back on the top of a London double decker bus.

"You can see a lot up here," Amadeus remarked as he ate some potato chips.

"You can," Renfield sipped from his bottle of whisky (despite it being illegal to consume alcohol on London transit buses).

Just then a bearded man wearing shorts with very furry legs came up and sat down on one of the front seats of the double decker bus.

"That guy looks a bit like Pan Deux," Amadeus remarked referring to Set Enterprises' mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher's latest creation- a genetic hybrid half-man half goat Scottish bagpiper.

"He does," Renfield stuck some snuff up his nose and sneezed, "fortunately he's not wearing those god-awful kilts or playing those god-awful bagpipes like Pan Deux does." 

Just then a really repulsive looking fat ugly woman came up to the top of the double decker bus.

The Pan Deux double went beserk.

"You ugly looking thing," the half-man half-goat looking creature cried, "how dare you disturb my peace of mind with your ugly looking face."

He pulled out a machete and cut off the fat ugly looking woman's head.

"I really like this guy," Renfield lit a cigarette which was illegal to do on London transit buses, "that woman was pretty ugly."

"But he committed murder," said Amadeus.

"Murder smurder," Renfield shrugged, "one person's murder is another person's night of entertainment."

Just then another ugly looking woman came up to the top of the double decker bus.

"Oh shit, another ugly looking thing," the man whose name was Pan Goatee cried, "this just isn't my day today."

He again pulled out his machete and also cut this ugly woman's head off.

"I really really like this guy," said Renfield as he wrote the graffiti inscription DAVID BECKHAM IS A QUITTER on the back of the seat in front of him (even though writing graffiti was illegal on London transit buses).

"Are you referring to David Beckham who just announced his retirement from football (which they call soccer in North America) or this beheader up at the front of the bus?" Amadeus asked.

"The beheader of course," Renfield grinned.

"Hey Mister, you're really making a mess of this bus," said a little boy sitting on a seat alongside his mother.

The boy spoke in an unusual voice.

"That's a very unusual voice you have," said Pan Goatee.

"I'm impersonating the great actor Peter Lorre," the little boy replied.

"Peter Lorre?" Pan looked anguished, "wasn't he the one who played the Japanese detective Mr. Moto in those late 1930s movies?".

"That's the one," the little boy replied in his Peter Lorre voice.

Pan took out his machete and cut the little boy's head off.

His mother screamed.

"Sorry," Pan apologized, "but I seem to have a hatred for the film character of Mr. Moto for some reason."

"He's just committed 3 murders," Amadeus remarked to Renfield.

"Yes," Renfield nodded, "I have the feeling that's considered illegal to do on London transit buses."

"Is this our stop coming up?" Amadeus asked.

"It is," Renfield got up.

Before he headed down the stairs, he noticed the heads were rolling down the aisles and so shouted to Pan, "You should become a stand-up comic. You've got them rolling in the aisles."

Pan grinned and bowed in Renfield's direction.

As Renfield headed down the stairs, he sang his own version of the old Air Supply song lyrics,

"In my life where everything was wrong

 Something finally went right

 Now there's two less ugly people

 in the world..."

"What about the little boy who impersonated Peter Lorre?" Amadeus asked.

"I'm sorry to see him go," Renfield had to admit, "I rather liked Peter Lorre..."

Upstairs as the bawling mother said that her son's name was Vincent, Pan sang the Don McLean lyrics, "I could have told you Vincent, this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you..."

To be continued.

Much Ado About Tiger Kilimoto

Inspector Depp of Scotland Yard was reading a report while Constable Shrewsbury stood at the windows wondering why the office was so dark.

"Open the curtains, would you, Constable Shrewsbury?" Inspector Depp asked.

"Oh, of course, sir," Constable Shrewsbury opened the curtains.

"One thing bothers me about this case of the serial killer whom the British tabloids have dubbed the Serial Killer," Inspector Depp put down the report, "is that with the exception of the fat ugly woman that the Serial Killer cut apart, the Serial Killer had sex with most of his victims both male and female before cutting them apart."

"I think most people would object to your use of the term the fat ugly woman as the fat ugly woman with all due respect, sir," Constable Shrewsbury sneezed as he caught a whiff of dust off one of the curtains.

"Yes, well I'm a police detective," Inspector Depp shrugged, "I deal in facts and not let's all be nice to each other platitudes like all the nauseating guests who used to appear on the Oprah Show did."

"What's bothering you, sir?" Constable Shrewsbury asked.

"Well, why didn't all the victims scream and put up a fuss while he was cutting them apart?" Depp inhaled from his electronic cigarette.

"That's a good question,"  Constable Shrewsbury scratched his chin.

"I've just been reading a report written by Peter Whitstable of Interpol," Depp pointed at the document in front of him, "Peter Whitstable is Interpol's resident expert on the occult, UFOs and unusual phenomena. He's sometimes called the Fox Mulder of Interpol. Anyways in the report he's recounting the crimes in the Tokyo of the 1990s of one Tiger Kilimoto the last surviving member of an ancient sect of Ninja assassins who were said to have incredible psychic powers. It is said that these Ninja assassins could instantaneously hypnotize their victims into having sex with them and then after performing the sex act, this sex act itself would leave the victims paralyzed so that these Ninja assassins could cut them up into tiny pieces without any fuss or resistance which they did."

"And what became of this Ninja assassin Tiger Kilimoto?" Constable Shrewsbury asked.

"He committed hara kiri in his Tokyo apartment back in 1999 when he found out that Tokyo would probably NOT be getting an NHL Hockey team in the foreseeable future," Inspector Depp replied.

                                         *         *       *

"So, Dr. Rocher," Renfield asked Set Enterprises' resident mad scientist, "did you use any other strange DNA besides the DNA of the homicidal maniac heavy metal singer Stryker in creating your first specimen of the Greek satyr Pan?".

"I used the DNA of a Ninja assassin called Tiger Kilimoto that a friend of mine who works in the Tokyo Coroner's Office sent me back in 1999," Dr. Rocher replied.

"Tiger Kilimoto?" Renfield blinked.

"Yes," Dr. Rocher sipped his glass of ale, "It was interesting that his name was Kilimoto because he did kill a lot of people named Moto during his 1990s Tokyo Reign of Terror due to a pathological hatred he had of the late 1930s Hollywood movie Japanese detective character Mr. Moto who was played by Peter Lorre."

To be continued.

Magog's Syrian Mission and Pan Deux

Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was in his London apartment.

He had just spent the evening with British Prime Minister David Cameron at 10 Downing Street.

Because he Magog had been so successful last month in persuading North Korean leader Kim Jong-un not to nuke the United States, the British government was now going to send him to Syria to try to negotiate a ceasefire between the government of Syrian President Bashar Assad and Syrian rebels.

A previous peace mission to Syria for Magog had failed (namely because Magog turned into a werewolf in his meeting with President Assad) but hopes were high that with the Korean Peninsular success behind him, this mission would be a success.

So Magog was off to the Middle East again.

It's a good thing he reflected that he enjoyed eating donairs and other Middle Eastern food.

                                       *       *       *

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell the Executive Vice-President of Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. here in London, England was being invited to hear yet another band by one of the company's talent scouts.

Heathcliff looked at the name of the band on the business card.

They were an American band although they had a British musician who played the pan pipes.

They were called Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers.

                               *        *        *

Set Enterprises Laboratories' resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher had invited Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon down to look at his new creation.

"As you are probably now aware," Dr. Rocher rubbed his hands together, "I've been trying to re-create the ancient Greek mythological creature the satyr Pan- who was a half-man and half-goat hybrid. Thanks to Amadeus' carelessness here, my first specimen was lost..."

"I'm reminded of it every time I'm not allowed to buy a Superman comic," Amadeus sighed.

"But I've now created a second specimen," Dr. Rocher smiled, "although there is something this second specimen lacks that the first specimen had."

"What's that?" Renfield asked.

"DNA from the homicidal maniac death heavy metal singer Stryker," Dr. Rocher replied, "I put it in my first specimen to give this satyr musician a 21st Century musical edge. But I had none of Stryker's DNA left to create my second specimen of Pan."

"Wasn't Stryker the guy I crucified in a nightclub on Good Friday a couple of years ago for having the nerve to swipe the last tuna fish sandwich from me on a plate two years previously?" Renfield asked.

"That's the one," Dr. Rocher nodded.

"Some of Stryker's groupies say he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday two days later in Highgate Cemetery near Karl Marx's grave," Amadeus ate a chocolate eclair.

"Well you know what airheads heavy metal groupies are," Dr. Rocher smiled.

"So what do you call this second Pan?" Renfield asked.

"Pan Deux," Dr. Rocher answered.

"Pan Deux?" Renfield scratched his head.

"Deux is French for two," Amadeus licked chocolate off two of his fingers.

"Thanks," Renfield glared at Amadeus.

"There's something else different about this second Pan as well," Dr. Rocher explained.

"What's that?" Renfield inquired.

"He doesn't play the pan pipes," Dr. Rocher replied, "he plays pipes but not the pan pipes."

"What pipes does he play?" Renfield asked.

Just then a man with goat's legs and feet walked into the lab wearing a kilt and playing the bagpipes.

"The bagpipes," Dr. Rocher stated the obvious.

"I think," Renfield covered his ears to escape the shrieking of the bagpipes, "that I'd prefer a second Pan who had homicidal maniac DNA like the first rather than a satyr who plays the bagpipes."

To be continued.

Renfield Sings of Being A Highwayman

Renfield R. Renfield was having a dream where he was the director, writer and star of a West London musical.

In the musical, Renfield played an 18th Century English highwayman- one of those colourful masked bandits who rode on horseback and held up stagecoaches with a gun.

Renfield was having great fun singing this song which he wrote entitled I Am A Highwayman:

I am a highwayman

I am a highwayman

I go behind a tree

instead of go to the can

because I am a highwayman.

I ride upon a horse

but not side saddle of course

because I am a highwayman

so catch me if you can.

The open road is where I ride

the countryside is where I hide

because I am a highwayman

I sweat because I don't use Ban

or any deodorant

save spice of the Orient

so smell me as I tan

because I am a highwayman.

I'm dashing

not trashing

I kiss the ladies fair

and pull the old men's hair

as I rob the stagecoach

of this diamond broach

and many a splendid thing

including this golden ring

so smile as I sing 

and say with a zing

that I am a highwayman

now catch me if you can.

I'm riding to the hills

but not for the thrills

because I am a highwayman

running from the King's law while I can

because if I'm caught

it's the hangman's knot

and I'm left to rot

food for a vulture's pot.

This fair head is all I've got

so I'll flee this spot

and wish you not

Godspeed till

my horse is hot to trot.

-Renfield

To be continued.