Osiris In Rome

Osiris In Rome


The ancient Egyptian vampire Osiris had had quite an interesting time the past several millenia.


First he had been cut up into 14 pieces by his jealous brother Set.


Then he had been resurrected again by his wife and sister Isis.

But his phallus was still missing.

So then he was given a wooden phallus that with a sprinkling of a little cosmic Egyptian magic and witchcraft, he was able to use to impregnate Isis who gave birth to their son Horus.


Then the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith (who was history's first vampire of either sex) turned the whole family into vampires.


That would have been fine if it had just been him Osiris and Isis and Horus.

Unfortunately she turned his evil brother Set into a vampire as well.


When Set staged a coup in Egypt and put one of his own disciples in as Pharaoh, Isis and Osiris fled to the kingdom of Tyre.

Osiris posed as an architect named Hiram Abiff.

While in Tyre, King Hiram sent him off to Jerusalem to build a temple for the Tyrian king's good Israelite friend and ally King Solomon.


In the meantime, Set's spies had discovered that Osiris was posing as a Tyrian architect named Hiram Abiff  and was busy building a Temple in Jerusalem.


So Set sent three ruffians to murder Hiram Abiff.


Ostensibly to discover the secret password of a master mason- which Osiris as Hiram Abiff naturally refused to give.

Thus the three ruffians slew Hiram Abiff.

And of course once again Osiris had to be resurrected.


This time Isis resurrected Osiris using a severed lion's paw and a magical spell used in forbidden magical practices of the ancient Israelite tribe of Dan.


She used the Lion's Paw from the Tribe of Dan to grip the hand of Osiris' dead body and bring his soul back from the Underworld to re-unite with his body.

The Lion's Paw then raised Osiris up from his coffin.


"Remember one thing," the dark arts practicing magician from the Tribe of Dan had told Isis, "the only thing that might be capable of destroying the Lion's Paw of the Lion of the Tribe of Dan is the power of the Lion's Paw of the Lion of Judah."


Isis had no idea what the Danite dark arts magician was talking about and just took the Danite Lion's Paw.


So Osiris was resurrected from the dead and went on to build the Temple of Solomon.


The Vampiress Isis slept with Solomon the night the Temple was dedicated in 953 BC.


Isis also arranged for her good friend the Phoenician Vampiress Ashtoreth to sleep with Solomon as well.


Osiris meanwhile had returned to Egypt.

He was captured by members of Set's Imperial Bodyguard.

Set then used a black magic spell to send Osiris through a celestial gate way and portal to a planet near the star Sirius.

The black magic spell itself expired on what would be the date of December 21st 2012 on the Gregorian calendar (a fact that would affect the consciousness of the Aztec, Mayan and Hopi Indians) and Osiris could return to Earth on that date.

In the meantime, Horus plotted revenge against his uncle Set for what the evil being had done to his father.


Horus and a group of followers captured Set and, using an Egyptian black magic spell, buried Set alive in a tomb for several millenia.


The tomb was finally unsealed on November 11th, 1918 at 11:00 AM Greenwich time (the same hour the Great War Armistice came into effect).


Set escaped the tomb and eventually fled to England where he became a City of London financial and investment advisor.


He made a killing in the Wall Street markets of the 1920s.


And as a silent partner and backer of Chicago mobster Al Capone during the Prohibition era, he made even more killings.


Set acting on a tip wisely pulled his own money out of the U.S. stock market prior to the crash of October 1929.


During the 1930s, Set helped finance the rise to power of Hitler and the Nazis in Germany- a fact which led Winston Churchill to sit on opposite ends of the room from Set at their respective London clubs.


It was very fortunate for Set that, in the first post VE-Day British general election that was held in July, 1945, Clement Attlee's Labour Party won a landslide victory.

It would have been big trouble for Set had Churchill won.


As it was, Set was one of the few big businessmen who prospered in Britain's post-war emerging Welfare State under the leadership of Prime Minister Clement Attlee a modest man whom Churchill described as having "a lot to be modest about".


When the British Conservatives under Sir Winston Churchill returned to power after the 1951 general election in the UK, Set by then was too powerful a figure in the British financial establishment for Churchill to mess with.


As for Osiris, he did return to Earth in a spaceship on December 21st 2012.

The interdimensional portal he entered through was located at Vancouver's English Bay on Canada's West Coast.

Unfortunately for him, the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl was trying to use the same interdimensional portal at the same time to land on Earth.


The two spaceships Osiris One (carrying Osiris from a planet near the star Sirius) and Quetzalcoatl Too (carrying Quetzalcoatl from Saturn's Moon Titan) had a major mid-air collision just above Vancouver's English Bay on the night of December 21st 2012.


A Russian nuclear submarine in the waters of English Bay at the time fired a laser death ray at the two spacecraft vaporizing both craft and their occupants.



Captain Nikolai  Soloviev the commander of the submarine who had fired the laser death ray later left the Russian Naval service.

Captain Soloviev (a dead ringer for the late Russian Czar Nicholas II) then got a job appearing in TV commercials for Hotels.coman on-line hotel booking agency.

Captain Soloviev played a wise-cracking smart ass captain named Captain Obvious who had a "brilliant grasp of the obvious" as Sherlock Holmes might put it and made totally obvious wise-cracking smart ass remarks in the commercials.




Now it so happened at the time of the Russian sub laser death ray attack on the two spacecraft that a Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius was on the beach at Vancouver's English Bay along with his small-scale replica working model of the CERN Large Hadron Collider.


Dr. Celsius used his replica Hadron Collider to gather up the particles and atoms of the two disintegrated spaceships and their celebrity deity extraterrestrial occupants.


The Collider container and its contents of particles and atoms were then shipped to the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis' secret laboratory below Notre Dame Cathedral in the City of Lights.


Dr. Celsius was invited to oversee a team of scientists working day and night to put the particles and atoms back together again.


After working for almost 2 years with no results to show for it, Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius was finally pushed to his death from the top of Notre Dame's bell tower by the Vampiress Isis this past October 1st as a pre-Christmas bonus for his efforts.


Isis then hired the noted British scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher to oversee the team and see if he could put her husband Osiris' sub-atomic particles back together again.

Dr. Rocher had been working as the chief scientist for her rival and arch-enemy the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

But the two had a falling out when Set suddenly slashed a vast sum of money from Dr. Rocher's laboratory research budget in order to maintain a high profit margin for Set Enterprises for the fiscal quarter.

Isis used the falling out to hire Dr. Rocher to work for her.

Dr. Rocher was able to successfully put Osiris' sub-atomic particles back together and resurrect the vampiric deity this past Halloween.

Unfortunately for poor Osiris, he was once again resurrected sans phallus.

This naturally put a strain on Isis and Osiris' cosmic re-union.


The two were now living separately again (though not light years apart as they had been for the past 3 millenia).


She continued to live in her luxurious penthouse apartment in Paris.


Osiris had found himself a nice little apartment in Rome, Italy with a good view of the Colosseum.



Osiris greeted the night as he flung open the tapestry curtains of his Rome apartment.


He had been told by various people when he announced that he was moving to Rome to "when in Rome, do as the Romans do."


He thought though that maybe watching the sun rise above the Aventine Hill might prove somewhat hazardous to his health.


So he grabbed his brochure of Rome and wondered if there were any nighttime tours of the Sistine Chapel.


He would see for himself just what this Last Judgement of Michelangelo's was that people were raving about.




To be continued.



-A vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 during the period
 January 8th
 to
 January 28th
 2015.


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Greek Election Results

Greek Election Results


"European Union bureaucrats in Brussels and German Chancellor Angela Merkel have no doubt had to change their underpants after hearing the news that Alexis Tsipras' anti-austerity Syriza Party have won yesterday's national elections in Greece..." The BBC radio news announcer intoned.


"The thought of Angela Merkel's underwear. Now there's a mental image that really discombobulates the mind," Renfield R. Renfield put down his copy of the unabridged edition of Machiavelli's The Prince.


"Do you suppose Greece will leave the Eurozone?" Amadeus Emanon asked Renfield.


"They might," Renfield replied as he imagined finding a piggy bank stuffed with old Greek drachma coins.

"All this talk of Greece is making me feel hungry for feta cheese, black olives and roast lamb," Amadeus licked his lips.


"I suppose you feel like eating out at a Greek restaurant tonight," Renfield checked a restaurant app on his iPhone.

"I do," Amadeus nodded.


"That's good," Renfield smiled, "it will give me a chance to look at the menu and repeat that old line from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, 'It's all Greek to me'. "



-A vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 Monday January 26th
 2015.

Renfield and The Ghost of The Theatre

Renfield and The Ghost of The Theatre


Renfield R. Renfield had bought himself a small theatre in West London.

He always thought it would be neat to be the owner of a theatre.

He would rent out the space to small theatre companies who wanted to put on live stage productions.


But Renfield had heard that a ghost haunted the theatre and would sometimes come on stage during live performances.


The reason the theatre had opened and closed so often.


"Looks like I'll have to call a ghost hunter to rid the theatre of this ghost," Renfield remarked to Amadeus Emanon as the two stood in front of the stage.


"I suppose," Amadeus replied as he chewed on some raspberry flavoured candied ectoplasm.


Suddenly a weeping could be heard coming from behind the stage curtains.


"Open the curtains, Matt," Renfield called out to one of the stage hands.


The curtains opened and a ghostly figure could be seen weeping on stage.


"Please don't call a ghost hunter," the ghost wept, "I am the ghost of Sir Allan Falteringham a promising thespian who died when I tripped over an electric cord and fell off the stage
hitting my head prior to giving the greatest performance and recital of my career. Please don't hire a ghost hunter to rid this theatre of me  until you've heard my performance."


"You have five minutes," Renfield looked at the cuckoo clock on the wall.


The ghost of Sir Allan Falteringham began his recital,


"Oh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day,
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lava-tree.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
and have buttered scones for tea.



I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars."



"That's the worst recital of the Monty Python Lumberjack Song I've ever heard," Renfield grumbled and reached for his phone, "I'm calling a ghost hunter."



"Oh please," the ghost of Sir Allan Falteringham wept, "it sounds so much better if I have a chorus behind me. If you could find me a nice chorus of ghosts to back me up..."


"Your five minutes are up," Renfield said as a cuckoo bird came flying out of the cuckoo clock on the wall and landed on the theatre floor.


Renfield dialed the ghost hunter's number.


Sir Allan Falteringham's nights on the stage were over.



-A vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 Friday January 23rd
 2015.





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Renfield Comes Up With Yet Another Idea For A TV Commercial

Renfield Comes Up With Yet Another Idea For A  TV Commercial


Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon had spent the past couple of nights watching North American TV channels on their far-reaching super powerful satellite TV.


Tonight they were watching an NHL hockey game.


Voice of announcer:  And now here come the Edmonton Oilers hockey players...



(A group of hockey players skate out on to the ice wearing paper bags over their heads)


Renfield remarked to Amadeus, "You know last night, I saw an American TV commercial I hadn't seen before."


"Oh, yes," Amadeus reached for some popcorn.


"Yes," Renfield went on, "it showed some woman holding on to a rope and rock climbing up a cliff.  She suddenly turns her head, looks at the camera and says 'It's at moments like these, I'm glad I'm wearing Tampax Proactive'."


Amadeus stopped reaching for a red licorice Twizzler and reached for a black licorice Twizzler instead.


"Anyways, if I had written and directed that commercial," Renfield continued, "I would then have had the camera pan in on some guy holding on to the same rope and rock climbing up the cliff directly beneath her suddenly look up, then look at the camera and say, 'Oh God!!!  At moments like these, I'm glad she's wearing Tampax Proactive too.'



To be continued.



-A vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 Wednesday January 14th
 2015.


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Renfield Meets Dr. Cadbury Rocher In Paris

Renfield Meets Dr. Cadbury Rocher In Paris


Dr. Cadbury Rocher looked at the huge pile of bodies piling up in front of the Parisienne cafe in which he was sitting.


As they completely blocked his view to the window, he was about to ask for his cheque and leave when suddenly Renfield R. Renfield entered the cafe carrying a machine gun.

"Sorry, I took so long," Renfield apologized, "but I had to shoot my way through a bunch of Islamist terrorists to get here."


"Are they the ones whose bodies are piled up out there? Dr. Rocher asked.

"Yes," Renfield wiped all the blood off his machine gun with his table napkin, "the Paris sanitation workers should be along any minute now to take away the trash unless they're on strike again because they figure they're still not getting a long enough coffee break to enjoy their cheese and croissant sandwiches."


"May I get you something, Monsieur?"  The waiter asked Renfield.


"Well, I already banged Julie Gayet for breakfast in my hotel room while I was on the speaker phone with Francois Hollande this morning," Renfield tied the bloodied napkin around his neck as a bib, "so now I'll have the toasted tuna fish and cheese sandwich."


Renfield then discussed old times with Dr. Rocher- like creating gooey green coloured flesh-eating nanobots and then letting them loose in the bedroom of the Prince of Wales the night before he was scheduled to give a speech to a scientific conference on the threat posed to humanity by "gray gooey flesh-eating nanobots".


"So what have you been up to these days?" Dr. Rocher asked Renfield.


"Well I just wrote a letter to Her Majesty the Queen noting that she forgot to add my name to her roll of knighthoods in her New Year's Honours list for this year," Renfield blew his nose into the table cloth because his napkin bib was no longer the proper colour for nose blowing in his opinion, "but I expect that situation to be rectified in the next few weeks."

The waiter arrived with Renfield's tuna fish and cheese sandwich.


"Excuse me," Renfield called out after the waiter, "I asked for my tuna fish sandwich toasted not burnt."

Renfield pulled out his machine gun and blew the waiter away to kingdom come.

The impact sent the waiter flying through the window out into the street where the Paris sanitation workers had just finished throwing the last of the Islamist terrorists' bodies into the sanitation truck (which would have been called a garbage truck in America).


"Another one, Henri," one of the sanitation workers called out to his partner.

"Not now, Andre," his partner looked at his watch, "coffee break time."


Both men sat on a street bench and took out their lunch pails which they opened and brought out bottles of cognac and several plates of cheese and croissants which they ate.


Two hours later when Renfield had talked Dr. Cadbury Rocher into returning to work for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set and the pair had then left the cafe, both sanitation workers were still sitting on the street bench eating and drinking while groups of vultures had flown down from the skies and were now feeding on the bodies in the sanitation truck and the waiter's body still lying on the street.



To be continued.


-A vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 Thursday January 8th
  2015.


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