Magog Meets The Vampire Set and Amadeus Bites The Mailman

After throwing Magog Rhys Petley in a cold shower for 5 minutes to wake him up (he had slept the entire day), Renfield then took him to the Study for his meeting with the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Renfield then went outside to check on Amadeus and noticed that Amadeus had grabbed the mailman's trouser leg with his teeth and still had not let go.

Meanwhile in the study, Magog agreed to head the One World Government that Set was proposing provided of course it was a One World Marxist Socialist government.

Set agreed to the concept of the One World Marxist Socialist government provided his own property and assets were not seized by the government. Magog could do as he liked with everyone else's property and assets.

Plus Set was to be appointed the head of the One World Government's Central Bank.

To Magog's dismay, the contract was to be signed in blood and would be considered binding for all eternity.

Nevertheless Magog agreed.

After pricking his finger, Magog then signed the contract in his own blood.

He left the house just as the mailman went running down the street with one pant leg missing.

"Just be thankful that Amadeus didn't aim for your testicles," Renfield shouted after him.

Something to be grateful about indeed Magog reflected as he hailed a taxi cab and went home.

A sense of unease gripped the Labour Party MP as if he had just signed over his soul.

Magog never really believed in the existence of the soul until that moment.

Strange how life was.

The taxi passed a Church just as people were exiting the Holy Thursday evening service and Magog felt his unease increase.

To be continued.

Drunken Magog and Barking Amadeus

Magog Rhys Petley the Welsh werewolf British Labour Party MP had become extremely intoxicated (having downed several whiskeys) while listening to Renfield sing his original song about a serial killer the night before.

So Renfield took Magog back to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's mansion as his boss was wanting to have a meeting with the Welsh Labour MP anyways.

Renfield let Magog sleep it off in the guest bedroom as no doubt his boss was probably wanting to meet Mr. Rhys Petley when he was sober.

As Magog Rhys Petley sang out the old Communist anthem the Internationale in his sleep, Renfield looked out the window overseeing the back yard to see what his friend Amadeus was up to.

Amadeus was running around the back yard on all fours and barking like a dog.

The past two weeks he had spent in the dog house in the back yard was finally getting to him.

His two weeks in the dog house had been a punishment meted out to him for his carelessness by his boss Set.

So this evening Amadeus ran around on all fours and barked like a dog.

Mind you, Amadeus was probably the only dog in the neighbourhood who could bark out a series of barks that sounded like the tune to Mozart's Ein Kleine Nachtmusik.

To be continued.

Renfield Sings A Song About A Serial Killer

Renfield R. Renfield would be performing a solo act tonight at the Soho Solo Club in the Soho district of London.

He'd be quite literally going solo.

Usually his sidekick Amadeus Emanon would accompany him to these performances.

But Amadeus was in the dog house.

Quite literally in the dog house.

He had been living, sleeping and eating in the dog house in the back yard of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's estate as punishment for having the wrong packages delivered to the wrong addresses as a result of his negligence and carelessness.

Lost was a $250 million genetically created hybrid creature who was involved in a lorry accident in northern England as a result of being sent by truck to the wrong address.

The creature was expected by authorities as having its body stolen after the accident.

Coincidentally a series of brutal murders had been happening in northern England shortly after the lorry accident.

So Renfield had written a song about this new serial killer and would be performing it tonight for the first time at the Soho Solo Club.

So Renfield went out and threw his evening dog bone to Amadeus in the dog house in the back yard and then proceeded to walk to the Soho Solo Club.

The door man at the Soho Solo Club was made to look like Star Wars character Han Solo.

Renfield sat at his usual table and made time with all the sexy waitresses.

When it came Renfield's time to perform, the M.C. called his name.

Renfield crawled out from under the table covered in used condoms while all the sexy waitresses put their clothes back on and went back to work.

Renfield approached the microphone with his replica Jimi Hendrix guitar and spoke into the microphone, "This is an original piece I just wrote the past week. I call it Song About A Serial Killer."

Renfield sang:

Way up north they say there's a serial killer on the loose

possibly as a child he was traumatized by Mother Goose

in the old days if caught, he'd be getting the noose

handed him by a judge on the bench

who'd be reeking of whisky stench

but not anymore

today it's the therapist's door

where psychiatrists reek in the big bucks

while sex therapists give him fucks

all at taxpayers' expense

in this world lacking sense

no one will remember one of his victims' name

it's serial killers that enter the Media Hall of Fame.

"That brings tears to my eyes," remarked Magog Rhys Petley blowing his nose as he sat in the audience.

To be continued.

One of Renfield's Photos Used For Advertising

Renfield R. Renfield was wondering how one of his photographs he intended to use for possible blackmail and extortion purposes wound up in a Ford India commercial that was yanked before it could appear on Indian television.

The photo showed former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi waving from the front seat of a new Ford Figo with three bound women in the trunk or as they say in the United Kingdom "in the boot".

The slogan for the proposed commercial was "Leave your worries behind with Figo's extra-large boot".

"How," Renfield protested to Athelstan the butler and valet to billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, "did Ford India manage to get ahold of one of my potential blackmail photos?".

"I'm not sure, sir," Athelstan replied, "do you ever post your potential blackmail photos on your Facebook page?".

"Well," Renfield looked sheepish which was unusual for the genetically created shapeshifting hamster who metaphorically speaking was a wolf in human/hamster clothing, "yeah."

"That explains it, then, sir," Athelstan handed back the photo, "never post anything you don't want the world to see (until the appropriate time) beforehand on your Facebook page. People swipe and use photo images from FB all the time."

"Now, you tell me," Renfield wept over the loss of what could have been a great photo for blackmail and extortion purposes.

Meanwhile over in Italy, former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi received the political endorsement of Italy's powerful bondage and sadomasochistic lobby.

To be continued.

The Babysitter

Mr. and Mrs. Brown were returning from a night of live theatre as they pulled up in the driveway of their suburban home.

"The lights are off," Mrs. Brown noted.

"Rachel is probably in bed and Betty is probably on her laptop in the dark," Mr. Brown laughed.

Rachel was the Browns' 4-year-old daughter and Betty was the babysitter they had hired for the night.

They had had problems in the past with previous babysitters having their boyfriends over to the house but Betty seemed to be a fairly responsible girl.

The Browns opened the door.

There on the living room floor playing with her dolls was Rachel.

"Rachel, where's Betty?" Mrs. Brown asked.

"She's upstairs in your bedroom with Kevin," Rachel answered.

"Who's Kevin?" Mr. Brown tried to control his anger in the presence of his young daughter.

"Betty's boyfriend," Rachel answered.

Mr. Brown was about to go rushing up the stairs but Mrs. Brown stopped him.

Mr. Brown was still awaiting trial on an assault charge for hitting the previous babysitter's boyfriend.

"I'll go upstairs," Mrs. Brown gently patted her husband's arm and set off up the stairs.

When she got to the bedroom belonging to her and her husband, she felt sickened to think someone else might be "doing it" in their bed.

She opened the door but decided to leave the lights off to surprise them.

She noticed the outline of two people under the blankets.

She quickly went over to the lamp on the small table next to the bed and switched the light on.

She then threw off the blankets.

And screamed.

They were a couple all right but their heads had been severed and put on the opposite bodies leaving a grotesque sight of seemingly hermaphrodite beings covered in blood.

Set's homicidal genetically created hybrid had struck again.

Leaving a bloody mess in its wake.

Not to mention one hell of a laundry and clean-up bill

To be continued.

Slaughterhouse Five (and perhaps more)

There was blood all over the farmhouse.

A head here.

An arm there.

A leg there.

Well, actually several heads and arms and legs all over the place.

And massive amounts of blood everywhere.

For Set's genetically created hybrid that had been involved in the lorry accident was not dead as originally thought.

In fact, when whatever lay under the blanket at the accident scene had disappeared, police thought someone had stolen it.

But they were wrong.

For Set's genetic hybrid creature was very much alive.

And as a result, many others were not alive.

They were dead.

And dismembered.

To be continued.

Lorry Accident and Possible Injured Animal On The Road

Barry Wilson was a distribution agent for a Lincolnshire County based brewery which brewed many types of ale.

He was on his daily drive from pub to pub throughout the County which served his brewery's ales to take orders and arrange deliveries.

As he passed through the intersection of a country crossroads, he noticed that a lorry had turned over in the ditch.

Police and ambulance were on the scene but it didn't look like the lorry driver was hurt, thank goodness.

On the road lay a blanket covering the upper part of a body.

The lower part of the body was animal legs so some animal must have been hurt in the crash.

Loads of glass and cardboard could be seen all over the road.

So much glass, Barry thought.

Barry wondered jokingly if the animal had been in some sort of giant test tube when the crash occurred and that's why there was so much glass on the road.

Barry shook his head.

He had been watching too many mad scientist horror movies from the 1930s on late night television.

Was the animal dead or just injured? Barry wondered.

He remembered as a kid how when he visited his grandparents' farm and there was an animal who was sick or injured, his grandmother always used to tell him to ask Saint Francis of Assisi in the Communion of Saints in Heaven to pray for the animal as Saint Francis was always kind and helpful to both people and animals during his lifetime here on Earth.

Yes, Barry reflected, if you need help, better ask for help from a Francis in heaven as there didn't seem to be any sign of a Francis on earth.

On his car radio, the BBC Radio News Announcer announced that white smoke was appearing over the Vatican indicating that a new pope had just been elected...

To be continued. 

Renfield and Amadeus At The Loading Docks

Amadeus Emanon and Renfield R. Renfield were in the loading docks at the back of Set Enterprises Laboratories waiting for a couple of trucks (or lorries as they're called in the United Kingdom) to pick up a couple of packages.

One package contained the latest genetically created hybrid creature developed by Dr. Cadbury Rocher and his mad scientist team here at Set Enterprises.

The other package contained a new frost and intense heat resistant variety of wheat developed by Set Enterprises' Agricultural and Horticultural Research Section.

The package containing the genetically created hybrid creature was to be sent to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's colossal London mansion for inspection and approval by Set himself.

The other package containing the frost and intense heat resistant variety of wheat was to be sent to one of Set Enterprises' experimental farms in northern England.

Amadeus Emanon was reading a Superman comic book.

Renfield R. Renfield was reading a northern California newspaper whose headline read VOODOO FLOWER CHILD RUN OVER AND KILLED BY HIPPY HATING DISCIPLE OF REV. PAT ROBERTSON.

The sub-headline read,  San Francisco police believe voodoo flower child was illegitimate half-niece of some previously unheard of deputy police chief of Malaysia.

Renfield was reading the Household Handyman Advice column.

"Hm," Renfield piped up to alleviate his boredom, "some woman writes, I recently bought a round kitchen table top to place on top of my square kitchen table. But the round top is a few inches too short. Any idea on how I can increase the round table by a few inches...?".

"How to increase the round table by a few inches?" Amadeus looked up, "Order a bunch of fast food for King Arthur and his Knights. That should increase the Round Table by a few inches."

Renfield chortled loudly at Amadeus' witticism.

Then Renfield's cell phone went off.

Renfield answered it.

He put the cell phone back in his pocket and spoke to Amadeus, "Apparently an intruder has been spotted in Sector C of the plant. I'm going to check it out."

Renfield loaded his semi-automatic with bullets and ammunition.

"What are you going to do?" Amadeus asked as he looked up.

"What I always do," Renfield replied with a grin, "shoot first and ask questions later."

"How can the intruder answer questions if he's already dead?" Amadeus asked.

"I'll consult a spiritist medium if need be," Renfield answered, "watch those packages carefully. Remember the package on the left containing the new genetically created hybrid creature goes to the Boss' house. And the package on the right containing the newly developed frost and intense heat resistant variety of wheat goes to Set Enterprises' Experimental Farm No. 6 in northern England."

"I"ll remember," Amadeus flipped the page of the exciting Superman segment he was reading.

                                    *         *        *

"I'm here to pick up a package for Set Enterprises'  Experimental Farm No. 6," said the lorry driver to Amadeus.

"It's the package on the left," Amadeus answered without looking up.

The lorry driver grabbed the package on the left.

                                *         *         *

Meanwhile Renfield continued to torture the intruder in the Set Enterprises' dungeon- Renfield's Plan B- because his Plan A was cancelled when his semi-automatic jammed on the first shot.

                               *        *        *

"I'm here to pick up  a package for the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set," the lorry driver read the title and name on the manifest, "at 666 Exclusive Heights North Road."

"That would be the only package that's left," Amadeus did not look up from his comic book, "which I believe is on the right there."

Amadeus pointed.

                                           *          *         *

Set looked on in shock as Athelstan his butler and valet opened the package.

"What's with all this wheat?" Set cried, "what does the science team down at the Laboratories think I'm going to do with all this wheat? Make oatmeal porridge?".

"Possibly, sir," Athelstan nodded, "perhaps those who work down at the Laboratories think you're suffering from a very bad case of irregularity."

To be continued.

Michelangelo Receives A TV Transmission From The Future

Dr. Cadbury Rocher the resident mad scientist at Set Enterprises Laboratories had notified Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon to come down to the laboratory because he had something interesting to show them.

Michelangelo the psychic lobster who had been genetically created by Dr. Rocher and his Set Enterprises scientific team had just picked up a TV transmission from the future.

A while back Michelangelo had picked up a radio transmission from the future on his psychic lobster antennae.

The radio transmission was a radio news broadcast from the future which said that Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan had just married and were expecting a child.

Which showed just how apocalyptic a future was in store for humanity.

Now Michelangelo had picked up a TV transmission from the future on his psychic lobster antennae.

"This is interesting," Renfield R. Renfield belched as he opened a bottle of beer and sat down on the couch while Dr. Rocher transferred Michelangelo's vision from his psychic lobster antennae to the interpretive computer of Michelangelo's visions which then in turn projected them on to the large TV screen in the laboratory, "a TV transmission from the future. What sort of transmission is it?".

"A TV commercial," Dr. Rocher replied.

Amadeus Emanon opened a bottle of Coke and sat down with a large carton of popcorn next to Renfield on the sofa.

"A TV commercial," Renfield took a swig of beer and belched again as he scratched his belly button, "what sort of commercial?".

"I believe it's a TV commercial with Lance Armstrong," Dr. Cadbury Rocher replied as he adjusted the picture.

"Lance Armstrong will be doing TV commercials in the future?" Renfield looked shocked.

Amadeus looked surprised as well.

The commercial was then projected on to the large TV screen.

Lance Armstrong's face appeared on the screen and looked straight into the direction of the camera and the audience.

"Hi, I'm Lance Armstrong," the former cyclist introduced himself, "are you having to face one of those uncomfortable and awkward moments in life where you have to do something you don't really want to- such as telling your children that you really are a liar and a cheat?".

Armstrong blinked at the camera.

"I find such moments are much easier when you drink half a dozen glasses from a bottle of the Sorceress Morgana's 100 proof Jamaican Rum," said the stonefaced-looking Armstrong, "plus when they look at you with sheer shame and disappointment on their faces, you can retreat to your bedroom and finish the rest of the bottle in an effort to forever blot out the memory of the expression on their faces."

Lance Armstrong then held up a bottle of Sorceress Morgana's 100 Proof Jamaican Rum.

"Sorceress Morgana's 100 Proof Jamaican Rum," Armstrong intoned, "Don't tell your children that you really are a liar and a cheat without it."

The commercial ended.

To be continued.

Set Receives A Reply From Magog Rhys Petley

"I've just received some wonderful news, Athelstan," the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set held a handwritten note (rare in an age of emails and text messages) in his hands.

"Excellent, sir," Athelstan poured Set some Earl Grey tea with a dash of virgin's blood (also a rarity in this day and age).

"Magog Rhys Petley has finally agreed to meet me," Set sipped the tea.

"That's wonderful news indeed, sir," Set put down some crumpets on the table.

"I can now begin the final endgame for world domination,"  Set moved his black knight on the chess board against an invisible opponent and proceeded to eat a crumpet.

To be continued.

Father Wardenclyffe and The Late Herr Hans

Today was the old Catholic Feast Day of Saint Thomas Aquinas- March 7th.

It had since been moved to January 28th.

But Cardinal JM's personal secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe spent this day lighting a candle and praying in front of a statue of Persephone the Greek goddess of the Underworld.

He was recalling his good friend and fellow theologian Herr Hans.

Herr Hans had worshipped the ancient Egyptian gods while he Father Wardenclyffe worshipped the ancient Greek gods.

Herr Hans had hung himself in his theological faculty's library Egyptology section back on Christmas Day 2012 when the god whom he worshipped- the ancient Egyptian god Osiris failed to return to Earth on December 21st 2012 like Herr Hans believed he would.

Little did either Herr Hans or Father Wardenclyffe know that the reason Osiris failed to return to Earth on December 21st 2012 was because a Russian nuclear submarine had fired a laser death ray at Osiris' spaceship over Vancouver's English Bay- which had sent both the spaceship and occupant Osiris into oblivion.

Of course Renfield R. Renfield the shapeshifting hamster/human chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set (Osiris' evil brother) liked to boast that it was his playing a Rihanna song backwards that caused Osiris' spaceship to crash.

But that had nothing to do with it.

Although it did cause a transvestite Rihanna impersonator to commit hara-kiri on the sands along the Bay in total violation of the City of Vancouver's strict bylaws against polluting the beach.

"Whether you're in the Greek underworld or Egyptian underworld, I miss you my friend," Father Wardenclyffe got up and left the chapel.

For he had a few Cardinals to blackmail in hopes of enticing them to vote for his master Cardinal JM's preferred papal candidate.

To be continued.

Qonzilqointec Weeps Over Hugo Chavez's Death

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec wept when she heard the news of the death of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

Chavez had been her Comrade-in-Arms as she fought to help the conditions of the poor, workers and peasants of Latin America.

He had been a dear friend.

Qonzilqointec buried her head in her pillow.

Her tears poured out like rain.

                               *      *     *

Magog Rhys Petley drank a silent toast- in buttermilk- to his dear friend Hugo Chavez- his Comrade.

Although Chavez- particularly in the last few years of his life- had talked openly about his belief in Christ- a subject of irritation to Petley who was a true atheistic materialistic Marxist- he still admired the man.

                                             *      *     *

"Hugo Chavez was a great man," Dracul Van Helsing said to Hyung, "I didn't agree with all of his policies but he wasn't the ogre the brainless American right (to say nothing of our idiotic Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper) made him out to be.  He truly cared about the poor of his country and realized that an extreme form of laissez-faire capitalism like that espoused by those walking undead who make up the far U.S. Republican right wouldn't help them. An all-embracing Marxism isn't the way either but Chavez never did impose an all-embracing Marxism on Venezuela like Lenin did in Russia or Mao in China or Pol Pot in Cambodia.  And he did believe in Jesus Christ- something not true of most Marxists who are atheists."

"What will happen in Venezuela now?" Hyung asked.

"I don't know," Dracul said, "but I think history will judge it a tragic thing that Chavez succumbed to his cancer and wasn't able to complete his Presidency. What happens now could spell a dark future. But as for Chavez, a government statement issued hours before he died said that he was "clinging to Christ". And that's who we all should cling to. So I say of Hugo Chavez, Rest eternal grant him O Lord and may Light perpetual shine upon him."

Set Reads The Michelangelo Report

"I've just received the report from Dr. Cadbury Rocher down at Set Enterprises Laboratories, sir," Athelstan the butler addressed his employer, "he's been using Michelangelo your genetically created psychic lobster to probe Dracul Van Helsing's dreams."

"And did he find any reference to Dracul Van Helsing's possible prophetic dream of the night of February 10th, 2013," Set asked, "so we can gain some insight into what might happen at the next Conclave of Cardinals?".

"Yes, sir," Athelstan nodded, "according to the dream, the Cardinals are hopelessly divided into differing factions. At the next Conclave, one faction's candidate will come out on top. But the losing faction won't be so gracious. They'll either directly break away at the next Conclave or wait a few months and call for a Conclave of their own in which they elect their own man Pope. So the gist of the matter shall be- that there will be two men- two rival claimants- claiming to be Pope- something that hasn't happened in some 600 years."

"Just like a Pope hasn't resigned the Papacy and abdicated the Papal Throne in some 600 years," Set noted.

"True, sir," Athelstan agreed, "so essentially one man will be the true Pope and the other man will be an Antipope."

"And it says here in the report," Set shuffled some papers, "that the Antipope will be a False Prophet who issues a supposedly Infallible papal decree saying that the individual known as Jesus of Nazareth was not the Christ for all time but only the Christ for the Piscean Age and that there's a new Christ for the emerging Aquarian Age and he'll proclaim someone else to be this Christ for the Aquarian Age?".

"That is correct, sir," Athelstan started polishing Set's alligator shoes.

"And at the time the False Prophet Antipope issues this declaration, there will be UFOs with ETs aboard (who are actually demonic entities involved in a great deception) appearing in the skies over Earth who will say that the Antipope's declaration is indeed the correct and true one," Set put the report down.

"That's right, sir," Athelstan ran out of shoe polish so he started using his own spit.

"Then as the ancient Chinese proverb says, we live in interesting times," Set looked out the library window.

To be continued.

Renfield and His Rendition of The William Tell Overture

Renfield R. Renfield had been ordered by his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set to fly back to London, England.

Renfield decided to make a pit stop in Chicago, Illinois before flying home as he heard the Chicago Symphony Orchestra was going to do a performance of Rossini's William Tell Overture.

Renfield had always wanted to conduct the William Tell Overture plus he had an idea on how to make the performance even more spectacular.

According to the original story of William Tell, the Swiss gentleman who was a master crossbow archer had been ordered by enemy soldiers to shoot an apple placed on top of his son's head splitting the apple in two and do so without managing to harm his son.

William Tell was successful in his feat.

Renfield's idea was to place apples on the heads of the musicians in the Chicago Symphony Orchestra and during the most exciting part of the Overture, the musicians would stand and a group of crossbow archers that Renfield had hired would shoot arrows through the apples on the heads of the musicians splitting the apples in two without harming the musicians.

                          *       *     *

It was performance night and maestro Renfield stepped up to the podium with his baton and started conducting the Chicago Symphony Orchestra in its performance of the William Tell Overture.

At the most critical moment of the Overture, Renfield waved for the apple on head-wearing musicians to stand...

                                            *       *    *

The next morning a Chicago radio station reported in its news broadcast, "And in the news today, the call has gone out for musicians to appear for auditions to replace the 95% of the members of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra whose positions suddenly became vacant last night as a result of last evening's disastrous rendition of Rossini's William Tell Overture.

"And in other news, Renfied R. Renfield has admitted that the archers he hired for last evening's performance could probably stand to use a lot more archery lessons..."

To be continued.

Darkened Streets and Cuban Cigars And What Shadowy Symbols Foretell

On a darkened street walked Magog Rhys Petley

smoking a Cuban cigar once given to him by Fidel Castro

his Marxist brother-in-arms.

Underneath a window of the darkened street

a light shone down upon him

it shone through the crossbars of a window

The crossbars forming the shape of the Cross

and as the light edged down towards the cigar smoke

of Magog' s cigar

it seemed to form the shape of an upside down Cross

over Petley's head

an upside down Cross where smoke and light intercepted

over the head of the Welshman who was a werewolf.

The Cross- symbol of Christ.

The Upside Down Cross- symbol of Antichrist.

And Magog Rhys Petley continued to walk...

to walk towards his destiny...

Although maybe his destiny is foretold

in that shadow that formed over where light and smoke

intercepted 

in that one moment in time.

-A poem about Welsh werewolf British Labour MP

 Magog Rhys Petley

 written by Christopher 

 Saturday evening March 2nd 2013