Amadeus' Dream About A Political Candidates' Meeting
Amadeus Emanon was asleep and dreaming that he was at a political candidates' meeting.
The British Liberal Democratic Party were not running a candidate in the riding.
And the British Labour Party candidate was absent after coming down with acute laryngitis after a karaoke evening of trying to sing Beyonce songs with his baritone voice in a neighbourhood pub.
The only candidates present were the British Conservative Party candidate and Renfield R. Renfield representing the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party of which he was the founder and leader.
The meeting chairman called on the Conservative candidate to speak first.
"Well speaking as a Conservative candidate," the Conservative candidate began, "I just droll on... and on... never letting anybody get a word in edgewise... until I froth at the mouth and fall over backwards..."
The Conservative Party candidate then proceeded to do just that.
As he was carried away on a stretcher into a waiting ambulance, the meeting chairman then called on Renfield to speak.
"Well speaking as a psychopathic hypersexualized serial womanizer," Renfield began, "which a woman called me in a recent Facebook posting..."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday December 29th
2013.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Thursday, December 19, 2013
The Revenge of Isis
The Revenge of Isis
The Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis sat seething in a Parisienne sidewalk cafe.
Russian President Vladimir Putin was really starting to piss her off.
First, last December 21st, a Russian nuclear submarine had fired a laser death ray at the spaceship returning her brother, husband and lover Osiris to earth disintegrating both spaceship and Osiris.
Now she had a lot more pieces of Osiris to pick up and re-assemble together than she did the time Osiris was dismembered and cut up into 14 pieces by her brother, brother-in-law and enemy Set millenia ago.
A group of the world's best particle physicists she had assembled to put Osiris together again.
But it was slow painstaking work.
They worked around the clock.
The night team of particle physicists were called All The King's Horses.
And the day team of particle physicists were called All The King's Men.
Osiris himself was designated by the U.S. Secret Service code name Humpty Dumpty according to the leaked Edward Snowden documents.
Now Putin was pissing her off again by arranging a financial bailout of Ukraine.
Putin's puppet President of Ukraine Viktor Yanukovych had rejected EU integration and had received a financial bailout and cheaper Russian natural gas as a result.
By doing so, Ukraine was preventing her puppets from taking power, Isis thought as she angrily bit into an orange.
How dare Putin oppose her New World Order.
After all this had been something she and her exiled lover Osiris (Osiris had been exiled to the star system of Sirius by a black magic spell cast by their enemy Set- the black magic spell did have an expiry date- something that had been known to the Mayans, the Aztecs and the Hopi Indians but not the seer Nostradamus despite the claims of fictional History Channel programs)
had been planning for centuries.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 19th
2013
The Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis sat seething in a Parisienne sidewalk cafe.
Russian President Vladimir Putin was really starting to piss her off.
First, last December 21st, a Russian nuclear submarine had fired a laser death ray at the spaceship returning her brother, husband and lover Osiris to earth disintegrating both spaceship and Osiris.
Now she had a lot more pieces of Osiris to pick up and re-assemble together than she did the time Osiris was dismembered and cut up into 14 pieces by her brother, brother-in-law and enemy Set millenia ago.
A group of the world's best particle physicists she had assembled to put Osiris together again.
But it was slow painstaking work.
They worked around the clock.
The night team of particle physicists were called All The King's Horses.
And the day team of particle physicists were called All The King's Men.
Osiris himself was designated by the U.S. Secret Service code name Humpty Dumpty according to the leaked Edward Snowden documents.
Now Putin was pissing her off again by arranging a financial bailout of Ukraine.
Putin's puppet President of Ukraine Viktor Yanukovych had rejected EU integration and had received a financial bailout and cheaper Russian natural gas as a result.
By doing so, Ukraine was preventing her puppets from taking power, Isis thought as she angrily bit into an orange.
How dare Putin oppose her New World Order.
After all this had been something she and her exiled lover Osiris (Osiris had been exiled to the star system of Sirius by a black magic spell cast by their enemy Set- the black magic spell did have an expiry date- something that had been known to the Mayans, the Aztecs and the Hopi Indians but not the seer Nostradamus despite the claims of fictional History Channel programs)
had been planning for centuries.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 19th
2013
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Radio News Story From The Future About Katy Perry
Radio News Story From The Future About Katy Perry
Tired of seeing Ukrainians demonstrating in the streets of Kiev on BBC World News on TV, Renfield decided to go down to the Set Enterprises Lab and see if Michelangelo the genetically created psychic lobster could pick up another radio news transmission from the future on his lobster antennae.
As Renfield adjusted Michelangelo's antennae much to the lobster's discomfort, words came through on the computer loud speaker.
Michelangelo's antennae were hooked up to wires on the computer which picked up the transmissions Michelangelo received.
This was the radio news story from the future that Michelangelo had picked up...
... "This just in. Tragedy has struck American singer Katy Perry on her recent African safari. While wearing a tiger's eye necklace the singer was eaten by a lion while trying to roar at it.
The singer had spent weeks learning how to roar like a lion at a newly opened animal languages school in the South African township of Soweto.
Miss Perry had roared "I come in peace" according to her lion language teacher who accompanied her on the safari but the lion wasn't impressed and ate her.
Nothing much is known about her lion language teacher who taught Miss Perry how to roar like a lion other than he has caused controversy in the past when he served as an interpreter for the deaf at the world leaders' memorial service held for the late South African leader Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg.
According to a British veterinarian named Dolittle who was taking photos at the scene and claims to actually speak lion, he claimed the lion was walking around roaring "I ate a Yank and I liked it" afterwards.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 18th
2013.
Tired of seeing Ukrainians demonstrating in the streets of Kiev on BBC World News on TV, Renfield decided to go down to the Set Enterprises Lab and see if Michelangelo the genetically created psychic lobster could pick up another radio news transmission from the future on his lobster antennae.
As Renfield adjusted Michelangelo's antennae much to the lobster's discomfort, words came through on the computer loud speaker.
Michelangelo's antennae were hooked up to wires on the computer which picked up the transmissions Michelangelo received.
This was the radio news story from the future that Michelangelo had picked up...
... "This just in. Tragedy has struck American singer Katy Perry on her recent African safari. While wearing a tiger's eye necklace the singer was eaten by a lion while trying to roar at it.
The singer had spent weeks learning how to roar like a lion at a newly opened animal languages school in the South African township of Soweto.
Miss Perry had roared "I come in peace" according to her lion language teacher who accompanied her on the safari but the lion wasn't impressed and ate her.
Nothing much is known about her lion language teacher who taught Miss Perry how to roar like a lion other than he has caused controversy in the past when he served as an interpreter for the deaf at the world leaders' memorial service held for the late South African leader Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg.
According to a British veterinarian named Dolittle who was taking photos at the scene and claims to actually speak lion, he claimed the lion was walking around roaring "I ate a Yank and I liked it" afterwards.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 18th
2013.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Renfield's Musical Comedy Version of Hamlet
Renfield's Musical Comedy Version of Hamlet
Renfield R. Renfield had returned to London from the island of Bali.
In addition to posting a classified ad in The Times of London offering to teach Balinese dance to any interested parties, Renfield also decided to write a musical comedy version of William Shakespeare's Hamlet because he thought the world needed one.
Renfield read to Amadeus what he had written so far.
There was the ghostly speech of Hamlet's father which went thus:
"I am thy father's spirit
Mark my word not jeer it
Doomed for a certain term to walk the night
Now isn't that a fright?
And for the day confined to fast in fires
And I ain't talking funerary pyres
Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature are burnt and purged away
and cannot be doused with nasal spray..."
And so added to the crime of Claudius murdering his brother King Hamlet was the crime of Renfield murdering one of the greatest ghostly speeches in the English language.
Mercifully Renfield had not yet come up with a musical comedy version of Hamlet's To Be Or Not To Be speech.
Amadeus wiped his brow in thanksgiving.
Alas poor Polonius!
He was not so lucky.
In addition to stupidly hiding behind the curtain in Queen Gertrude's chambers only to be slain by Hamlet, his last words would become immortalized in Renfieldian song,
"O, I am slain
isn't that a pain?
Those clouds Hamlet pointed out to me
I don't know if they'll rain
because I am dying
my soul will soon be flying
and I have to bid the world adieu
because as you can see my life is through."
Mercifully for Amadeus, the Polonius song was through as well.
Behold the fair Ophelia!
She wasn't so lucky either.
Here was her swan song according to Renfield,
"I think I'll go drown myself
throw my life off the shelf
Hamlet has slain my father
making me an orphaned daughter
He said, Get thee to a nunnery
when I'd prefer a Chinese bunnery
I love those steam pork buns
but now my nylons have the runs
ripped on all these flowers with thorns
puncturing my footly corns
so I throw myself into the stream
may I haunt Hamlet's dream."
"And so Hamlet's dreams of Ophelia were now wet I take it?" Amadeus asked.
"Hey, that's a good line," Renfield grinned, "I think I'll add it in somewhere."
Amadeus had enough.
He decided to head upstairs to bed.
There are many stories of statues of Mary and the Saints shedding tears in the world.
But as Amadeus approached the staircase to walk upstairs, he did not notice the bust of Shakespeare shedding tears over the murder of his work.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday, December 11th
2013.
Renfield R. Renfield had returned to London from the island of Bali.
In addition to posting a classified ad in The Times of London offering to teach Balinese dance to any interested parties, Renfield also decided to write a musical comedy version of William Shakespeare's Hamlet because he thought the world needed one.
Renfield read to Amadeus what he had written so far.
There was the ghostly speech of Hamlet's father which went thus:
"I am thy father's spirit
Mark my word not jeer it
Doomed for a certain term to walk the night
Now isn't that a fright?
And for the day confined to fast in fires
And I ain't talking funerary pyres
Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature are burnt and purged away
and cannot be doused with nasal spray..."
And so added to the crime of Claudius murdering his brother King Hamlet was the crime of Renfield murdering one of the greatest ghostly speeches in the English language.
Mercifully Renfield had not yet come up with a musical comedy version of Hamlet's To Be Or Not To Be speech.
Amadeus wiped his brow in thanksgiving.
Alas poor Polonius!
He was not so lucky.
In addition to stupidly hiding behind the curtain in Queen Gertrude's chambers only to be slain by Hamlet, his last words would become immortalized in Renfieldian song,
"O, I am slain
isn't that a pain?
Those clouds Hamlet pointed out to me
I don't know if they'll rain
because I am dying
my soul will soon be flying
and I have to bid the world adieu
because as you can see my life is through."
Mercifully for Amadeus, the Polonius song was through as well.
Behold the fair Ophelia!
She wasn't so lucky either.
Here was her swan song according to Renfield,
"I think I'll go drown myself
throw my life off the shelf
Hamlet has slain my father
making me an orphaned daughter
He said, Get thee to a nunnery
when I'd prefer a Chinese bunnery
I love those steam pork buns
but now my nylons have the runs
ripped on all these flowers with thorns
puncturing my footly corns
so I throw myself into the stream
may I haunt Hamlet's dream."
"And so Hamlet's dreams of Ophelia were now wet I take it?" Amadeus asked.
"Hey, that's a good line," Renfield grinned, "I think I'll add it in somewhere."
Amadeus had enough.
He decided to head upstairs to bed.
There are many stories of statues of Mary and the Saints shedding tears in the world.
But as Amadeus approached the staircase to walk upstairs, he did not notice the bust of Shakespeare shedding tears over the murder of his work.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday, December 11th
2013.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Renfield On Bali
Renfield On Bali
Renfield R. Renfield had overshot his intended target of the Chinese Air Defense Identification Zone over the disputed Senkaku-Diaoyu Islands and had crash landed his plane on the Indonesian island of Bali in the South Pacific.
He had spent most of the past week learning lessons in Balinese dance taught to him by beautiful and lovely Balinese women.
Then today as he walked past a hotel, he heard the news that a major deal on global world trade had just been signed in Bali by the 159 countries belonging to the World Trade Organization.
Outside the hotel, he happened to spot the ancient Babylonian vampire Mammon who was worshipped as the god of banking and commerce in ancient Babylon.
"He looks pleased as punch," Renfield thought, "he must be happy with the trade deal."
Renfield hurried down the street for his next lesson with the beautiful ladies of the Balinese dance troupe with whom he had become acquainted.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 7th
2013.
Renfield R. Renfield had overshot his intended target of the Chinese Air Defense Identification Zone over the disputed Senkaku-Diaoyu Islands and had crash landed his plane on the Indonesian island of Bali in the South Pacific.
He had spent most of the past week learning lessons in Balinese dance taught to him by beautiful and lovely Balinese women.
Then today as he walked past a hotel, he heard the news that a major deal on global world trade had just been signed in Bali by the 159 countries belonging to the World Trade Organization.
Outside the hotel, he happened to spot the ancient Babylonian vampire Mammon who was worshipped as the god of banking and commerce in ancient Babylon.
"He looks pleased as punch," Renfield thought, "he must be happy with the trade deal."
Renfield hurried down the street for his next lesson with the beautiful ladies of the Balinese dance troupe with whom he had become acquainted.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 7th
2013.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Renfield's Holiday Greetings
Renfield's Holiday Greetings
Amadeus Emanon was sitting by himself in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's mansion in West End London.
His usual compadre Renfield R. Renfield had taken holidays for a week.
The phone rang.
Amadeus picked it up.
It was Renfield.
"Hey, what's up?" Amadeus asked.
"I'm flying a U.S. Air Force jet over the newly declared Chinese Air Defense Identification Zone over the Senkaku-Diaoyu Islands," Renfield replied.
"How did you get ahold of a U.S. Air Force jet?" Amadeus asked.
"Well I shapeshifted into a hamster and managed to catch a ride with U.S. Vice-President Joe Biden on his plane over to Tokyo," Renfield answered, "then over the Pacific I parachuted on to a U.S. aircraft carrier and swiped one of their planes."
"What do you intend to do?" Amadeus asked with some trepidation.
"I intend to shoot down the first Chinese Air Force plane I see," Renfield laughed in reply.
"But might not that start World War III?" Amadeus asked.
"That's the whole idea," Renfield chuckled, "2013 has been such a lousy year, I figure the world needs a little extra special fireworks this Christmas."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 2nd
2013.
Sent from my iPhone
Amadeus Emanon was sitting by himself in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's mansion in West End London.
His usual compadre Renfield R. Renfield had taken holidays for a week.
The phone rang.
Amadeus picked it up.
It was Renfield.
"Hey, what's up?" Amadeus asked.
"I'm flying a U.S. Air Force jet over the newly declared Chinese Air Defense Identification Zone over the Senkaku-Diaoyu Islands," Renfield replied.
"How did you get ahold of a U.S. Air Force jet?" Amadeus asked.
"Well I shapeshifted into a hamster and managed to catch a ride with U.S. Vice-President Joe Biden on his plane over to Tokyo," Renfield answered, "then over the Pacific I parachuted on to a U.S. aircraft carrier and swiped one of their planes."
"What do you intend to do?" Amadeus asked with some trepidation.
"I intend to shoot down the first Chinese Air Force plane I see," Renfield laughed in reply.
"But might not that start World War III?" Amadeus asked.
"That's the whole idea," Renfield chuckled, "2013 has been such a lousy year, I figure the world needs a little extra special fireworks this Christmas."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 2nd
2013.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, November 29, 2013
Haiku About Possible Sarajevo 1914 Like Incident In World of Late 2013
Haiku About Possible Sarajevo 1914 Like Incident In Today's World Of Late 2013
Pilot strays through new
air defense zone of China
World War III begins
Pilot strays through new
air defense zone of China
World War III begins
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Cardinal JM In Jerusalem
Cardinal JM In Jerusalem
The Cardinal known as JM was in Jerusalem.
The Cardinal was a secret worshipper of the Ancient Greek gods Zeus and Apollo.
He was accompanied by his secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe.
They were standing in front of the al-Aqsa Mosque on the Temple Mount.
They had managed to sneak past both Israeli soldiers and the Islamic waqf's security guards.
Cardinal JM carried a small statue of the Greek god Zeus and an incense burner.
Father Wardenclyffe carried a knife and a small pig.
Cardinal JM placed the statue of Zeus in front of the al-Aqsa Mosque.
He then placed the incense burner in front of the statue and lit it.
Cardinal JM then held the pig while Father Wardenclyffe slit the pig's throat.
The blood fell to the ground in front of the statue of Zeus.
Cardinal JM intoned, "Oh Great Zeus as your beloved servant Antiochus Epiphanes did in days of old, I consecrate this area and this Mount to your service...
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 26th
2013.
The Cardinal known as JM was in Jerusalem.
The Cardinal was a secret worshipper of the Ancient Greek gods Zeus and Apollo.
He was accompanied by his secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe.
They were standing in front of the al-Aqsa Mosque on the Temple Mount.
They had managed to sneak past both Israeli soldiers and the Islamic waqf's security guards.
Cardinal JM carried a small statue of the Greek god Zeus and an incense burner.
Father Wardenclyffe carried a knife and a small pig.
Cardinal JM placed the statue of Zeus in front of the al-Aqsa Mosque.
He then placed the incense burner in front of the statue and lit it.
Cardinal JM then held the pig while Father Wardenclyffe slit the pig's throat.
The blood fell to the ground in front of the statue of Zeus.
Cardinal JM intoned, "Oh Great Zeus as your beloved servant Antiochus Epiphanes did in days of old, I consecrate this area and this Mount to your service...
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 26th
2013.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Michelangelo's Psychic Transmission From Sometime In The Future
Michelangelo's Psychic Transmission From Sometime In The Future
Renfield R. Renfield was down at the Set Enterprises Lab once again working with Michelangelo the genetically created psychic lobster.
Set Enterprises' chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher was on hand as was Amadeus Emanon who just went along with Renfield for the ride.
Dr. Cadbury Rocher was Michelangelo's proud creator.
Michelangelo had the ability to enter people's dreams and tell what they were dreaming.
He had also on a couple of occasions managed to pick up on his lobster antennae radio news transmissions from the future.
His antennae which were hooked up to a computer broadcast the radio news stories aloud for Renfield and Amadeus to hear.
Renfield decided to pass the time today by seeing if Michelangelo could pick up another radio news transmission from the future.
"I think something is coming in now," Dr. Rocher smiled.
Renfield turned up the audio on the computer.
"This just in. Today in a Toronto city council meeting, a Toronto city councillor posed Toronto Mayor Rob Ford the question, "Have you ever killed anyone?" to which Mayor Ford replied, "Yes, I have killed someone."
The admission sent gasps of astonishment throughout council chambers.
There were further calls for the Mayor to resign.
The Premier of Ontario described the Mayor's actions as "inappropriate and unacceptable for a public official".
The Chief of Toronto Police was asked at a press conference if Toronto police would pursue criminal charges against Mayor Ford over his latest admission of wrongdoing.
The Chief replied that it would probably take Toronto police another 20 years to investigate the matter before the possibility of laying criminal charges might come up.
Meanwhile in the Canadian House of Commons, Canadian Liberal Party Leader Justin Trudeau called on the Stephen Harper government to exhume the body of Toronto Police Detective Inspector William Murdoch (the subject of CBC's popular Murdoch Mysteries TV Show) and bring in a Haitian or New Orleans voodoo witch doctor to re-animate the corpse so "that the good citizens of Toronto will finally have a policeman capable of pursuing criminal charges against this nefarious individual."
When he sat down, a fellow Liberal MP whispered to Mr. Trudeau that CBC's Murdoch Mysteries was "in fact a fictional TV series and there was no such real historical personage as Toronto Police Detective William Murdoch."
Mr. Trudeau immediately leapt to his feet, "Mr. Speaker, due to new information I just received, I retract the request..."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 15th
2013.
Renfield R. Renfield was down at the Set Enterprises Lab once again working with Michelangelo the genetically created psychic lobster.
Set Enterprises' chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher was on hand as was Amadeus Emanon who just went along with Renfield for the ride.
Dr. Cadbury Rocher was Michelangelo's proud creator.
Michelangelo had the ability to enter people's dreams and tell what they were dreaming.
He had also on a couple of occasions managed to pick up on his lobster antennae radio news transmissions from the future.
His antennae which were hooked up to a computer broadcast the radio news stories aloud for Renfield and Amadeus to hear.
Renfield decided to pass the time today by seeing if Michelangelo could pick up another radio news transmission from the future.
"I think something is coming in now," Dr. Rocher smiled.
Renfield turned up the audio on the computer.
"This just in. Today in a Toronto city council meeting, a Toronto city councillor posed Toronto Mayor Rob Ford the question, "Have you ever killed anyone?" to which Mayor Ford replied, "Yes, I have killed someone."
The admission sent gasps of astonishment throughout council chambers.
There were further calls for the Mayor to resign.
The Premier of Ontario described the Mayor's actions as "inappropriate and unacceptable for a public official".
The Chief of Toronto Police was asked at a press conference if Toronto police would pursue criminal charges against Mayor Ford over his latest admission of wrongdoing.
The Chief replied that it would probably take Toronto police another 20 years to investigate the matter before the possibility of laying criminal charges might come up.
Meanwhile in the Canadian House of Commons, Canadian Liberal Party Leader Justin Trudeau called on the Stephen Harper government to exhume the body of Toronto Police Detective Inspector William Murdoch (the subject of CBC's popular Murdoch Mysteries TV Show) and bring in a Haitian or New Orleans voodoo witch doctor to re-animate the corpse so "that the good citizens of Toronto will finally have a policeman capable of pursuing criminal charges against this nefarious individual."
When he sat down, a fellow Liberal MP whispered to Mr. Trudeau that CBC's Murdoch Mysteries was "in fact a fictional TV series and there was no such real historical personage as Toronto Police Detective William Murdoch."
Mr. Trudeau immediately leapt to his feet, "Mr. Speaker, due to new information I just received, I retract the request..."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 15th
2013.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Pan Goatee and The Hara Kiri Lesson
Pan Goatee and the Hara Kiri Lesson
Pan Goatee and CIA Agent Bob Belfor were ordered by their superiors in Washington to see if they could psychologically coerce one of their Pakistani Taliban prisoners to commit suicide.
Hara Kiri was the method Bob Belfor suggested after he had spent a night masturbating over Japanese made samurai films.
Belfor had a thing for men dressed in Japanese armour.
Pan Goatee in checking the backgrounds of the Taliban prisoners noticed that one of the men was a Canadian citizen born and raised in the Canadian province of Saskatchewan.
He left Saskatchewan at the age of 21 to join the Taliban after he had noticed an employment opportunity ad placed by them in the Regina Leader Post newspaper.
Pan Goatee placed the man in a cell which had both a large projection screen and also a mat on which was placed a Hara Kiri knife.
Pan Goatee closed the door and then ordered the projectionist to start running a series of videos that Pan had ordered.
The videos showed the last few minutes of every football game that the Saskatchewan Roughriders CFL Football Team had lost in their entire history.
Pan Goatee deduced that even though the man was Muslim because he was born and raised in the province of Saskatchewan, he would probably have the same fanatical devotion and love for the Saskatchewan Roughriders Football Team (equal in intensity and zeal to that of any fanatical Islamist zealot) as any other person born and raised in the province of Saskatchewan.
Saskatchewan's devotion and worship of their CFL Football team was so fanatically intense that every other Canadian in other provinces referred to Saskatchewan by the nickname Rider Nation.
At first Bob Belfor doubted Pan Goatee's reasoning.
But they soon heard wild penetrating screams coming from the man's cell.
"Good God!" Belfor exclaimed, "The man must surely be disemboweling himself."
They ran into the room only to see the man not disemboweling himself but screaming over the fact that Saskatchewan had lost the CFL Western Conference Championship to the Calgary Stampeders in the last few seconds of the game due to the fact Saskatchewan was penalized in a last minute penalty for stupidly having too many men on the field.
They closed the door.
They listened.
There was a strange rattling sound.
What was that rattling?
They opened the door.
It was the sound of the man's death rattle.
He had finally picked up the Hara Kiri knife and disemboweled himself.
"He was a lot quieter over his disemboweling than he was over the fact that the Roughriders had lost that game," Belfor stated.
"Just goes to show I'm right," Pan Goatee grinned, "you can take the terrorist out of Saskatchewan but you can't take Saskatchewan out of the terrorist."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 12th
2013
Pan Goatee and CIA Agent Bob Belfor were ordered by their superiors in Washington to see if they could psychologically coerce one of their Pakistani Taliban prisoners to commit suicide.
Hara Kiri was the method Bob Belfor suggested after he had spent a night masturbating over Japanese made samurai films.
Belfor had a thing for men dressed in Japanese armour.
Pan Goatee in checking the backgrounds of the Taliban prisoners noticed that one of the men was a Canadian citizen born and raised in the Canadian province of Saskatchewan.
He left Saskatchewan at the age of 21 to join the Taliban after he had noticed an employment opportunity ad placed by them in the Regina Leader Post newspaper.
Pan Goatee placed the man in a cell which had both a large projection screen and also a mat on which was placed a Hara Kiri knife.
Pan Goatee closed the door and then ordered the projectionist to start running a series of videos that Pan had ordered.
The videos showed the last few minutes of every football game that the Saskatchewan Roughriders CFL Football Team had lost in their entire history.
Pan Goatee deduced that even though the man was Muslim because he was born and raised in the province of Saskatchewan, he would probably have the same fanatical devotion and love for the Saskatchewan Roughriders Football Team (equal in intensity and zeal to that of any fanatical Islamist zealot) as any other person born and raised in the province of Saskatchewan.
Saskatchewan's devotion and worship of their CFL Football team was so fanatically intense that every other Canadian in other provinces referred to Saskatchewan by the nickname Rider Nation.
At first Bob Belfor doubted Pan Goatee's reasoning.
But they soon heard wild penetrating screams coming from the man's cell.
"Good God!" Belfor exclaimed, "The man must surely be disemboweling himself."
They ran into the room only to see the man not disemboweling himself but screaming over the fact that Saskatchewan had lost the CFL Western Conference Championship to the Calgary Stampeders in the last few seconds of the game due to the fact Saskatchewan was penalized in a last minute penalty for stupidly having too many men on the field.
They closed the door.
They listened.
There was a strange rattling sound.
What was that rattling?
They opened the door.
It was the sound of the man's death rattle.
He had finally picked up the Hara Kiri knife and disemboweled himself.
"He was a lot quieter over his disemboweling than he was over the fact that the Roughriders had lost that game," Belfor stated.
"Just goes to show I'm right," Pan Goatee grinned, "you can take the terrorist out of Saskatchewan but you can't take Saskatchewan out of the terrorist."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 12th
2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
Pan Goatee's Music Video
Pan Goatee's Music Video
Pan Goatee decided to make a music video of his next round of torture and killings of Pakistani Taliban prisoners.
In this, he was assisted by CIA Agent Bob Belfor.
In the video, Pan Goatee was formally dressed in a suit and tux and bow tie and carrying a top hat and a cane.
As well as a large knife.
Pan Goatee (singing): If you're blue (pulls up a Taliban prisoner's head he's been holding under water) and you don't know where to go to
why don't you go to where fashion sits
(sits the prisoner down on a chair of razor sharp spikes)
Puttin' on the Ritz
(cuts off the prisoner's finger and puts it on a Ritz cracker along with a slice of cheese and eats it)
Different types who wear a day coat pants
with stripes and cutaway
coat perfect fits
(cuts off another Taliban prisoner's arms and legs so he can fit into the boy sized day coat pants with stripes and cutaway coat that Bob Belfor is trying to fit him into)
Puttin' on the Ritz
(cuts off another Taliban prisoner's finger and puts it on a Ritz cracker with a slice of cheese and eats it)
Dressed up like a million-dollar trooper
(puts another Taliban prisoner into a large suitcase of U.S. money that totalled one million dollars and poured gasoline all over the money and the prisoner and set fire to it- since this was taxpayers' money that the CIA had to burn)
Tryin' hard to look like Gary Cooper (super dooper!)
(performs plastic surgery on another Taliban prisoner with his knife and without the use of anesthetic trying to see if he can get him to look like Gary Cooper but when he fails, he cuts off the man's head and kicks it away in disgust)
Come let's mix where Rockefellers
(glues a death mask of the late former U.S. Vice-President Nelson Rockefeller to another Taliban prisoner's face)
walk with sticks
(cuts off the man's legs and then glues sticks to his upper body)
or um-ber-ellas
in their mitts
(cuts off the man's hands and glues umbrellas to the arms of where they used to be and then tries to fit mitts on them)
Puttin' on the Ritz
(cuts off the finger of yet another Taliban prisoner and then puts it on a Ritz cracker with a slice of cheese and eats it)
Have you seen the well-to-do
on Park Avenue
On that famous thoroughfare
with their noses in the air...
(cuts off a whole bunch of Taliban prisoners' noses and then juggles them in the air)
Camera closes in on Bob Belfor giving Pan Goatee a standing ovation for his new interpretation of the Fred Astaire-Taco song.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 11th
2013.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Pan Goatee's Torture Test
Pan Goatee's Torture Test
Serial killer and hired U. S. government assassin Pan Goatee was asked by high-ranking officials at the NSA to astral project to Pakistan to interrogate a Taliban official Shaheen Fazlullah who had been captured by CIA officials in Pakistan.
Pan Goatee's past experience had actually been quick decapitations and quick bodily dismemberments.
He had never really done a slow torturous death before.
But he was given a book to read called How To Apply A Slow Torturous Death written by one Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
In addition he also watched a video where Rob Ford the Mayor of the City of Toronto, Ontario, Canada threatened to kill someone before poking out his eyes and ripping out their throat first.
With these delightful lessons behind him, Pan Goatee astral projected to Pakistan.
. . .
Pan Goatee was greeted by the CIA agent in charge of the operation Bob Belfor.
"Nice to meet you, Mr. Belfor," Pan Goatee shook his hand, "what did you do for the Agency before capturing Taliban scumbags?".
"I worked in property restoration," Bob Belfor answered, "if a home or business suffered a flood or fire or some other form of disaster or calamity, me and the boys went in and fixed everything up. Quite literally fixed everything up. We put in listening devices in that particular home or business."
"Sounds great," Pan Goatee smiled.
"Here 's the prisoner," Bob Belfor introduced him to the man in chains.
"So you're Shaheen Fazlullah," Pan Goatee smiled, "anyone ever tell you that's kind of a stupid sounding name?".
"Drop dead, pig," Shaheen tried to spit in Pan's face but the satyr assassin ducked.
"You know speaking of pigs," Pan Goatee smiled, "I've got some boiling hot pig fat to rub all over your body."
As Bob Belfor took a spoon and rubbed boiling hot pig fat all over Shaheen's body , Pan Goatee asked, "Didn't your Prophet, curses and damnation be upon him, forbid contact with pork?".
Pan Goatee took a steaming hot slice of pork and wrapped it around the man's genitals. He followed this by wrapping pita bread around the slice of pork and the man's genitals and then taking a knife and cutting it off.
He then ate it- slice of pork, separated genitals, pita bread and all.
"What a delicious donair," Pan Goatee belched.
Bob Belfor laughed.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 7th
2013
Serial killer and hired U. S. government assassin Pan Goatee was asked by high-ranking officials at the NSA to astral project to Pakistan to interrogate a Taliban official Shaheen Fazlullah who had been captured by CIA officials in Pakistan.
Pan Goatee's past experience had actually been quick decapitations and quick bodily dismemberments.
He had never really done a slow torturous death before.
But he was given a book to read called How To Apply A Slow Torturous Death written by one Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
In addition he also watched a video where Rob Ford the Mayor of the City of Toronto, Ontario, Canada threatened to kill someone before poking out his eyes and ripping out their throat first.
With these delightful lessons behind him, Pan Goatee astral projected to Pakistan.
. . .
Pan Goatee was greeted by the CIA agent in charge of the operation Bob Belfor.
"Nice to meet you, Mr. Belfor," Pan Goatee shook his hand, "what did you do for the Agency before capturing Taliban scumbags?".
"I worked in property restoration," Bob Belfor answered, "if a home or business suffered a flood or fire or some other form of disaster or calamity, me and the boys went in and fixed everything up. Quite literally fixed everything up. We put in listening devices in that particular home or business."
"Sounds great," Pan Goatee smiled.
"Here 's the prisoner," Bob Belfor introduced him to the man in chains.
"So you're Shaheen Fazlullah," Pan Goatee smiled, "anyone ever tell you that's kind of a stupid sounding name?".
"Drop dead, pig," Shaheen tried to spit in Pan's face but the satyr assassin ducked.
"You know speaking of pigs," Pan Goatee smiled, "I've got some boiling hot pig fat to rub all over your body."
As Bob Belfor took a spoon and rubbed boiling hot pig fat all over Shaheen's body , Pan Goatee asked, "Didn't your Prophet, curses and damnation be upon him, forbid contact with pork?".
Pan Goatee took a steaming hot slice of pork and wrapped it around the man's genitals. He followed this by wrapping pita bread around the slice of pork and the man's genitals and then taking a knife and cutting it off.
He then ate it- slice of pork, separated genitals, pita bread and all.
"What a delicious donair," Pan Goatee belched.
Bob Belfor laughed.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 7th
2013
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
The 1-800 Obamacare Number
The 1-800 Obamacare Number
Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon are watching a U. S. government public service ad on American television via satellite in the colossal London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
It was U.S. President Barack Obama doing the ad.
"My fellow Americans," President Obama smiled at the camera, "as you know an exciting new national health insurance plan is starting to emerge. Thus from Alaska to Florida... and from Kenya to Maine... I mean... from Hawaii to Maine... we've got you covered."
President Obama continued, "They call this new program Obamacare. And I do care. Just call the 1-800 number below at the bottom of your screen and you'll see how much I care..."
President Obama flashes a big grin at the camera.
"Do those last numbers after 1-800 spell out the words that I think they do?" Amadeus asked Renfield.
"They do," Renfield replied as he ate some popcorn.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 6th
2013
Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon are watching a U. S. government public service ad on American television via satellite in the colossal London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
It was U.S. President Barack Obama doing the ad.
"My fellow Americans," President Obama smiled at the camera, "as you know an exciting new national health insurance plan is starting to emerge. Thus from Alaska to Florida... and from Kenya to Maine... I mean... from Hawaii to Maine... we've got you covered."
President Obama continued, "They call this new program Obamacare. And I do care. Just call the 1-800 number below at the bottom of your screen and you'll see how much I care..."
President Obama flashes a big grin at the camera.
"Do those last numbers after 1-800 spell out the words that I think they do?" Amadeus asked Renfield.
"They do," Renfield replied as he ate some popcorn.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 6th
2013
Monday, November 4, 2013
Magog's New Mission Impossible
Magog's New Mission Impossible
Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was in his House of Commons office drinking from a bottle of brandy.
The phone rang.
It was German Chancellor Angela Merkel.
"Madame Chancellor," Magog was shocked, "I hope you're not calling from your mobile phone."
"No, Herr Magog," the Chancellor replied, "I'm calling from a secure line."
"That's good," Magog wiped his brow.
"Have you checked your mail today?" Mrs. Merkel asked.
"Not yet," Magog replied.
"Check and see if you've got something from a company called Odin Insurance in Munich," the Chancellor directed.
Magog sifted through his mail.
"I do in fact," Magog stated.
"Open it," the Chancellor directed.
Inside was a handwritten note to U.S. President Barack Obama from the German Chancellor.
Magog read it and gulped.
"I take it being the curious snoop you are, you've read the message," the Chancellor laughed.
Looking out the window of his office, Magog could see a curious cat touch a live electrical wire and then fall to the ground dead from electrocution.
"Well... um... " Magog stammered.
"It's all right, Magog," the Chancellor laughed, "now I want you to go to Washington D. C. and deliver that message in person to President Obama."
"But why me?" Magog protested, "Why not one of your diplomats or a member of the Bundestag?".
"Because they're all under surveillance by the CIA," the Chancellor explained, "but no one would bother to pay much attention to a drunken backbench Opposition politician who's failed abysmally on 3 different peace missions to the Middle East."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Chancellor," Magog took a sip from his bottle of brandy.
"You're welcome, Magog," the Chancellor replied, "will you do it?".
"Call me crazy," Magog noted the werewolf hairs starting to emerge on his human skin, "but I'll do it."
"That's great," the Chancellor sounded pleased, "now if you excuse me, I see I've got a call from Sarah Palin coming in on my mobile."
"Sarah Palin?" Magog asked the
now empty receiver.
. . .
The NSA official doing the surveillance spilled tea and canned Alaskan salmon all over himself when he noticed the name coming up on the mobile.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 4th
2013
Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was in his House of Commons office drinking from a bottle of brandy.
The phone rang.
It was German Chancellor Angela Merkel.
"Madame Chancellor," Magog was shocked, "I hope you're not calling from your mobile phone."
"No, Herr Magog," the Chancellor replied, "I'm calling from a secure line."
"That's good," Magog wiped his brow.
"Have you checked your mail today?" Mrs. Merkel asked.
"Not yet," Magog replied.
"Check and see if you've got something from a company called Odin Insurance in Munich," the Chancellor directed.
Magog sifted through his mail.
"I do in fact," Magog stated.
"Open it," the Chancellor directed.
Inside was a handwritten note to U.S. President Barack Obama from the German Chancellor.
Magog read it and gulped.
"I take it being the curious snoop you are, you've read the message," the Chancellor laughed.
Looking out the window of his office, Magog could see a curious cat touch a live electrical wire and then fall to the ground dead from electrocution.
"Well... um... " Magog stammered.
"It's all right, Magog," the Chancellor laughed, "now I want you to go to Washington D. C. and deliver that message in person to President Obama."
"But why me?" Magog protested, "Why not one of your diplomats or a member of the Bundestag?".
"Because they're all under surveillance by the CIA," the Chancellor explained, "but no one would bother to pay much attention to a drunken backbench Opposition politician who's failed abysmally on 3 different peace missions to the Middle East."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Chancellor," Magog took a sip from his bottle of brandy.
"You're welcome, Magog," the Chancellor replied, "will you do it?".
"Call me crazy," Magog noted the werewolf hairs starting to emerge on his human skin, "but I'll do it."
"That's great," the Chancellor sounded pleased, "now if you excuse me, I see I've got a call from Sarah Palin coming in on my mobile."
"Sarah Palin?" Magog asked the
now empty receiver.
. . .
The NSA official doing the surveillance spilled tea and canned Alaskan salmon all over himself when he noticed the name coming up on the mobile.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 4th
2013
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Is The U.S. Spying On German Chancellor Angela Merkel's Mobile Phone?
Is The U. S. Spying On German Chancellor Angela Merkel's Mobile Phone?
"The United States is not monitoring and will not monitor the communications of the Chancellor," White House spokesman Jay Carney told the media assembled in the White House briefing room.
. . .
"That's very true," Renfield R. Renfield said as he looked at the TV screen.
The shapeshifting hamster/human chief of security for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set suddenly noticed a red button light up in the computer monitoring room he was in at Set's colossal West London mansion.
"Ah, another call coming in," Renfield smiled.
Renfield put on his headphones.
It was Russian President Vladimir Putin phoning the German Chancellor asking on behalf of the Kremlin chef if he could have Mrs. Merkel's personal recipe for homemade German sausages and sauerkraut.
Mrs. Merkel gave the Russian President the recipe.
When the conversation ended, Renfield stopped the recording.
Since he could not speak German himself, Renfield phoned a lusty, sexy and voluptuous blonde German dominatrix he often visited whenever he was in Berlin.
Renfield played the recording for Helga.
Helga translated.
Renfield wrote everything down.
He then phoned the NSA (U.S. National Security Agency) in Washington D.C. and passed on the pertinent information.
"It's fun being a freelancer now and again," Renfield smiled as he looked at his cheque from the U.S. government.
He better hurry out and cash it down at the bank just on the off-chance that the U.S. Congress might do something extraordinarily stupid in the next 24 hours and send the American economy into a tailspin and dry up U.S. government revenues.
. . .
America's First Lady Michelle Obama was on the phone talking to the White House chef making final arrangements for a special upcoming dinner at the White House.
"Oh and one more thing," Mrs. Obama looked at the piece of paper in front of her, "I just got this new recipe for homemade German sausages and sauerkraut..."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 23rd
2013
Sent from my iPhone
"The United States is not monitoring and will not monitor the communications of the Chancellor," White House spokesman Jay Carney told the media assembled in the White House briefing room.
. . .
"That's very true," Renfield R. Renfield said as he looked at the TV screen.
The shapeshifting hamster/human chief of security for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set suddenly noticed a red button light up in the computer monitoring room he was in at Set's colossal West London mansion.
"Ah, another call coming in," Renfield smiled.
Renfield put on his headphones.
It was Russian President Vladimir Putin phoning the German Chancellor asking on behalf of the Kremlin chef if he could have Mrs. Merkel's personal recipe for homemade German sausages and sauerkraut.
Mrs. Merkel gave the Russian President the recipe.
When the conversation ended, Renfield stopped the recording.
Since he could not speak German himself, Renfield phoned a lusty, sexy and voluptuous blonde German dominatrix he often visited whenever he was in Berlin.
Renfield played the recording for Helga.
Helga translated.
Renfield wrote everything down.
He then phoned the NSA (U.S. National Security Agency) in Washington D.C. and passed on the pertinent information.
"It's fun being a freelancer now and again," Renfield smiled as he looked at his cheque from the U.S. government.
He better hurry out and cash it down at the bank just on the off-chance that the U.S. Congress might do something extraordinarily stupid in the next 24 hours and send the American economy into a tailspin and dry up U.S. government revenues.
. . .
America's First Lady Michelle Obama was on the phone talking to the White House chef making final arrangements for a special upcoming dinner at the White House.
"Oh and one more thing," Mrs. Obama looked at the piece of paper in front of her, "I just got this new recipe for homemade German sausages and sauerkraut..."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 23rd
2013
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Pan Goatee's VISA Commercial
Pan Goatee's VISA Commercial
Genetically created half-man half-goat satyr Pan Goatee was now doing TV commercials for VISA.
"Hello," Pan Goatee was shown suntanning on a sun chair on a tropical beach holding a lime margarita with a cute little umbrella in it, "sometimes you never know when your life is going to change. Earlier this year I was a serial killer wanted by Scotland Yard, Interpol and Europol for all the murders I committed across Britain and Europe. Today I work as a hired assassin for the U. S. government."
Pan Goatee takes a sip of his Margarita and grins at the camera.
"I find that my ability to astral project is quite handy in my line of work," Pan Goatee finishes his Margarita, "but one thing I found to be a pain in the butt is not every credit card has the ability to astral project with me. So that's why I always take VISA."
Pan Goatee smiles as he holds up a VISA Gold credit card with his name PAN GOATEE written on it.
Voice of actor Morgan Freeman at the end of the commercial, "Wherever you have to go in the universe, always go with VISA."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 9th
2013
Genetically created half-man half-goat satyr Pan Goatee was now doing TV commercials for VISA.
"Hello," Pan Goatee was shown suntanning on a sun chair on a tropical beach holding a lime margarita with a cute little umbrella in it, "sometimes you never know when your life is going to change. Earlier this year I was a serial killer wanted by Scotland Yard, Interpol and Europol for all the murders I committed across Britain and Europe. Today I work as a hired assassin for the U. S. government."
Pan Goatee takes a sip of his Margarita and grins at the camera.
"I find that my ability to astral project is quite handy in my line of work," Pan Goatee finishes his Margarita, "but one thing I found to be a pain in the butt is not every credit card has the ability to astral project with me. So that's why I always take VISA."
Pan Goatee smiles as he holds up a VISA Gold credit card with his name PAN GOATEE written on it.
Voice of actor Morgan Freeman at the end of the commercial, "Wherever you have to go in the universe, always go with VISA."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 9th
2013
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Pan Goatee Living The High Life
Pan Goatee Living The High Life
Pan Goatee was living the high life in a penthouse apartment in Washington D. C.
Two months ago he had been detained by Egyptian customs authorities in Cairo for not having a valid visa.
So he took out his astral machete and killed them all.
Hearing of this, DARPA employee Jack Jarvis who had been assigned to track down the astral projecting serial killer immediately flew to Egypt.
Finding Pan Goatee atop the Great Pyramid where he was asking "Where's the Capstone?", Jarvis asked him to come work for the U.S. government as a hired assassin carrying out targeted killings on behalf of dear old Uncle Sam.
Pan Goatee agreed.
So now here he was living the high life living in a penthouse apartment with a great view of the Potomac and being paid an obscenely luxurious salary carrying out targeted killings and assassinations for the U.S. government.
Even better he was still being paid that salary despite the U. S. government shutdown that had occurred today since being a hired assassin astral projecting killer was deemed an essential service by the government.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 1st 2013
Pan Goatee was living the high life in a penthouse apartment in Washington D. C.
Two months ago he had been detained by Egyptian customs authorities in Cairo for not having a valid visa.
So he took out his astral machete and killed them all.
Hearing of this, DARPA employee Jack Jarvis who had been assigned to track down the astral projecting serial killer immediately flew to Egypt.
Finding Pan Goatee atop the Great Pyramid where he was asking "Where's the Capstone?", Jarvis asked him to come work for the U.S. government as a hired assassin carrying out targeted killings on behalf of dear old Uncle Sam.
Pan Goatee agreed.
So now here he was living the high life living in a penthouse apartment with a great view of the Potomac and being paid an obscenely luxurious salary carrying out targeted killings and assassinations for the U.S. government.
Even better he was still being paid that salary despite the U. S. government shutdown that had occurred today since being a hired assassin astral projecting killer was deemed an essential service by the government.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 1st 2013
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Renfield and Amadeus Go Swimming
Renfield and Amadeus Go Swimming
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 28th 2013
Renfield and Amadeus had been given a day off work by their boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
They decided to spend it inside an indoor Olympic sized swimming pool in London.
As they entered the pool, Amadeus asked Renfield, "What style of swim do you think I should try first?".
"The back stroke," Renfield suggested.
Amadeus swam to the far end of the pool doing the back stroke.
Then he swam back to where Renfield was- likewise doing the back stroke.
"Now," Renfield asked Amadeus, "what style of swim do you think I should try first?".
"The breast stroke," Amadeus suggested.
"I was thinking the same thing myself," Renfield smiled as he looked around the pool.
Renfield swam out to the middle of the pool.
Then he swam over to where a pair of bikini clad beautiful women were treading water.
Suddenly one of the women screamed.
Seconds later she slapped Renfield's face.
Renfield swam back to Amadeus.
"That breast stroke didn't work out so well," Renfield informed Amadeus.
To be continued.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Renfield's Lottery Ticket
Renfield's Lottery Ticket
The Greek vampire Zeus had a problem on his hands.
Ever since Cerberus had abandoned his guard post on the River Styx, hundreds of thousands of ghosts had fled the Underworld of Hades and were now causing havoc on the Earth above.
Zeus had even received a nasty email from the President of the World Atheist Association threatening legal action and complaining that many of his members were undergoing post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of having to re-evaluate their belief in the non-existence of the afterlife.
The trouble had been caused millennia ago by a boast that his brother Hades had made to his brother Poseidon.
The pair had been discussing mortal lotteries and Hades had boasted that there was one series of numbers that no mortal would ever pick.
Poseidon had disagreed.
And Hades said if any mortal picked them, then quote, "May my loyal faithful Cerberus abandon his post on the River Styx and the souls of the departed depart the Underworld."
No mortal had picked them until the shapeshifting hamster/human Renfield R. Renfield had done so.
The numbers entered his mind shortly after he had gunned down a pompous arrogant American millionaire as the latter was entering a Rolls-Royce limousine outside a London restaurant.
The only way the decree of Hades could be reversed was if the said mortal would reverse the numerals of each two digit number he used in his lottery pick and play those numbers.
However the said Renfield kept winning £300 a week by playing those numbers and was unlikely to stop playing those numbers while he was on a roll (like so much golden butter).
And so the Greek vampire Zeus spent the past while pulling his hair and beard out while he tried to think up a solution.
Not relishing a future as a bald and beardless vampiric immortal (fearing this might put an end to his ability to attract mortal women and end his Bill Clintonesque and Jack Kennedyesque style dalliances with them), he turned to his daughter the Greek vampiress Athena for advice as she always seemed to be full of wisdom.
Athena suggested that Zeus send Aphrodite to work her charms on Renfield for as Athena pointed out quoting Vincent Price, "For no mere mortal can resist the evil of the Thriller."
The Thriller was the nickname given to Aphrodite among the gods of Olympus.
The "evil of the Thriller" was the euphemism given to Aphrodite's sensual charms among the goddesses of Olympus.
. . .
And it came to pass that Aphrodite went unto Renfield R. Renfield to convince him to reverse the digits of some of his numerals on his winning lottery ticket that he had been using the past month.
And what transpired when the sensual vampiress Aphrodite came unto Renfield as the Boney M. lyrics Nightflight To Venus played in the background?
Well to sum it up in one sentence as Great Caesar's ghost put it when he saw it, "She came, he saw, he came, she conquered."
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 13th 2013
The Greek vampire Zeus had a problem on his hands.
Ever since Cerberus had abandoned his guard post on the River Styx, hundreds of thousands of ghosts had fled the Underworld of Hades and were now causing havoc on the Earth above.
Zeus had even received a nasty email from the President of the World Atheist Association threatening legal action and complaining that many of his members were undergoing post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of having to re-evaluate their belief in the non-existence of the afterlife.
The trouble had been caused millennia ago by a boast that his brother Hades had made to his brother Poseidon.
The pair had been discussing mortal lotteries and Hades had boasted that there was one series of numbers that no mortal would ever pick.
Poseidon had disagreed.
And Hades said if any mortal picked them, then quote, "May my loyal faithful Cerberus abandon his post on the River Styx and the souls of the departed depart the Underworld."
No mortal had picked them until the shapeshifting hamster/human Renfield R. Renfield had done so.
The numbers entered his mind shortly after he had gunned down a pompous arrogant American millionaire as the latter was entering a Rolls-Royce limousine outside a London restaurant.
The only way the decree of Hades could be reversed was if the said mortal would reverse the numerals of each two digit number he used in his lottery pick and play those numbers.
However the said Renfield kept winning £300 a week by playing those numbers and was unlikely to stop playing those numbers while he was on a roll (like so much golden butter).
And so the Greek vampire Zeus spent the past while pulling his hair and beard out while he tried to think up a solution.
Not relishing a future as a bald and beardless vampiric immortal (fearing this might put an end to his ability to attract mortal women and end his Bill Clintonesque and Jack Kennedyesque style dalliances with them), he turned to his daughter the Greek vampiress Athena for advice as she always seemed to be full of wisdom.
Athena suggested that Zeus send Aphrodite to work her charms on Renfield for as Athena pointed out quoting Vincent Price, "For no mere mortal can resist the evil of the Thriller."
The Thriller was the nickname given to Aphrodite among the gods of Olympus.
The "evil of the Thriller" was the euphemism given to Aphrodite's sensual charms among the goddesses of Olympus.
. . .
And it came to pass that Aphrodite went unto Renfield R. Renfield to convince him to reverse the digits of some of his numerals on his winning lottery ticket that he had been using the past month.
And what transpired when the sensual vampiress Aphrodite came unto Renfield as the Boney M. lyrics Nightflight To Venus played in the background?
Well to sum it up in one sentence as Great Caesar's ghost put it when he saw it, "She came, he saw, he came, she conquered."
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 13th 2013
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Vampiress Isis Throws Temper Tantrum
Vampiress Isis Throws Temper Tantrum
The Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis (sister and sister-in-law to the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set) was having a temper tantrum when she heard the news that Pope Francis was going to consecrate the world to the Immaculate Heart of Mary this coming October 13th.
To add insult to injury, the famous Pilgrim Statue of Our Lady of Fatima would be in Rome on the dates October 12th to 13th on hand for the Consecration.
Isis' English butler and valet Cedarman tried to console his mistress but she threw a spiked stiletto high-heeled shoe at him.
"Well there goes an old Christmas gift given to my lady from former Philippines First Lady Imelda Marcos," Cedarman thought to himself.
"Why? Why? Why?" Isis sobbed causing her ancient Egyptian mascara to flow down both cheeks in a seeming parting of a blue sea as opposed to a Red Sea, "is Pope Francis consecrating the world to Mary instead of to me? I'm the Queen of the Cosmos... not that... that... that... that virgin." She spat out the word putting a nasty stain on her 50,000 euro handmade Persian carpet.
"Well," Cedarman soothed, "according to a certain variety of Fundamentalist Protestant, you and the Virgin Mary are one and the same, the Pope is the Antichrist and the Catholic Church is the Whore of Babylon."
"I don't care what those idiots think," Isis bit her vampiric fangs down on her lip causing her lips to bleed adding further stains to her 50,000 Euro Persian carpet, "I am not the same as the Mother of Jesus. She is called the Blessed Virgin Mary and the Blessed Mother."
Isis threw her other Imelda Marcos given spiked stiletto high heeled shoe at Cedarman.
"She prophesied to her cousin Elizabeth that behold from henceforth, all generations would call her blessed," Isis shrieked, "if she's blessed, what does that make me?".
"Shoeless perhaps?" Cedarman held up one of Imelda Marcos' gifts that had been thrown at him.
The lovely, shapely and highly attractive vampiress took off her lavender coloured evening dress and tried to strangle Cedarman with it.
Peering at the spectacle through his high-powered binoculars, the Paris police detective (who had been ordered by his superiors to watch the vampiress' apartment the past few nights) started to hyperventilate with excitement.
As Saddam Hussein's ghost observed and commented, it was the mother of all climaxes.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 16th
2013.
The Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis (sister and sister-in-law to the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set) was having a temper tantrum when she heard the news that Pope Francis was going to consecrate the world to the Immaculate Heart of Mary this coming October 13th.
To add insult to injury, the famous Pilgrim Statue of Our Lady of Fatima would be in Rome on the dates October 12th to 13th on hand for the Consecration.
Isis' English butler and valet Cedarman tried to console his mistress but she threw a spiked stiletto high-heeled shoe at him.
"Well there goes an old Christmas gift given to my lady from former Philippines First Lady Imelda Marcos," Cedarman thought to himself.
"Why? Why? Why?" Isis sobbed causing her ancient Egyptian mascara to flow down both cheeks in a seeming parting of a blue sea as opposed to a Red Sea, "is Pope Francis consecrating the world to Mary instead of to me? I'm the Queen of the Cosmos... not that... that... that... that virgin." She spat out the word putting a nasty stain on her 50,000 euro handmade Persian carpet.
"Well," Cedarman soothed, "according to a certain variety of Fundamentalist Protestant, you and the Virgin Mary are one and the same, the Pope is the Antichrist and the Catholic Church is the Whore of Babylon."
"I don't care what those idiots think," Isis bit her vampiric fangs down on her lip causing her lips to bleed adding further stains to her 50,000 Euro Persian carpet, "I am not the same as the Mother of Jesus. She is called the Blessed Virgin Mary and the Blessed Mother."
Isis threw her other Imelda Marcos given spiked stiletto high heeled shoe at Cedarman.
"She prophesied to her cousin Elizabeth that behold from henceforth, all generations would call her blessed," Isis shrieked, "if she's blessed, what does that make me?".
"Shoeless perhaps?" Cedarman held up one of Imelda Marcos' gifts that had been thrown at him.
The lovely, shapely and highly attractive vampiress took off her lavender coloured evening dress and tried to strangle Cedarman with it.
Peering at the spectacle through his high-powered binoculars, the Paris police detective (who had been ordered by his superiors to watch the vampiress' apartment the past few nights) started to hyperventilate with excitement.
As Saddam Hussein's ghost observed and commented, it was the mother of all climaxes.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 16th
2013.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Napoleon's 244th Birthday and The Ghosts of Antiochus Epiphanes and Alexander The Great
Napoleon's 244th Birthday and The Ghosts of Antiochus Epiphanes and Alexander The Great
As ghosts continued to leave Hades by the thousands after Cerberus abandoned his post at the River Styx (the 3-headed dog was currently frolicking on a Mexican beach drinking Mexican Bulldogs which was a combination of Margarita and Corona beer and then complaining about the bill since all 3 heads were imbibing) , the ghost of Antiochus Epiphanes was walking the streets of Damascus and looking at all the carnage and said, "Well if people really want, I'll gladly become King of Syria again."
At the moment he spoke those words, a small but powerful tremor shook the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.
. . .
At the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, the ghosts of Alexander The Great, his generals and his soldiers had taken over the facility.
For Alexander being the great genius he was with his strategic frame of mind and tactical insight had realized that by taking over the CERN Large Hadron Collider, he could make himself the Master of Time and thus the Master of the Universe.
. . .
The ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte had taken over Magog Rhys Petley's hotel room in Cairo much to the British Labour MP's displeasure.
Magog had gone out to see what cheap souvenirs he could pick up at the neighbourhood bazaar.
Napoleon decided to mark his 244th birthday which was today by having a bunch of harem style dancing girls dancing for him in the hotel room.
He had also ordered a cake personally baked for him by world famous Toronto Ontario based cake maker Joanna Lo the Caking Girl (made in the shape of the City of Paris) .
He also had 244 candles placed on the cake by one of the dancing girls and then another dancing girl (with a low-cut top) bent over to light them all.
Napoleon's ghost then made a wish (which was to rule the world) and then tried to blow out all 244 candles.
But seeing as how Napoleon was now spirit, he could not blow out physical objects.
A huge fire broke out in the hotel room.
. . .
Authorities blamed the hotel fire on the Muslim Brotherhood and used that as an excuse for rounding up and arresting more members.
Magog consoled himself by licking the lovely yet slightly singed breasts of a beautiful woman who said her breasts were singed when she had to light 244 candles on a birthday cake.
To be continued.
- A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 15th
2013.
As ghosts continued to leave Hades by the thousands after Cerberus abandoned his post at the River Styx (the 3-headed dog was currently frolicking on a Mexican beach drinking Mexican Bulldogs which was a combination of Margarita and Corona beer and then complaining about the bill since all 3 heads were imbibing) , the ghost of Antiochus Epiphanes was walking the streets of Damascus and looking at all the carnage and said, "Well if people really want, I'll gladly become King of Syria again."
At the moment he spoke those words, a small but powerful tremor shook the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.
. . .
At the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, the ghosts of Alexander The Great, his generals and his soldiers had taken over the facility.
For Alexander being the great genius he was with his strategic frame of mind and tactical insight had realized that by taking over the CERN Large Hadron Collider, he could make himself the Master of Time and thus the Master of the Universe.
. . .
The ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte had taken over Magog Rhys Petley's hotel room in Cairo much to the British Labour MP's displeasure.
Magog had gone out to see what cheap souvenirs he could pick up at the neighbourhood bazaar.
Napoleon decided to mark his 244th birthday which was today by having a bunch of harem style dancing girls dancing for him in the hotel room.
He had also ordered a cake personally baked for him by world famous Toronto Ontario based cake maker Joanna Lo the Caking Girl (made in the shape of the City of Paris) .
He also had 244 candles placed on the cake by one of the dancing girls and then another dancing girl (with a low-cut top) bent over to light them all.
Napoleon's ghost then made a wish (which was to rule the world) and then tried to blow out all 244 candles.
But seeing as how Napoleon was now spirit, he could not blow out physical objects.
A huge fire broke out in the hotel room.
. . .
Authorities blamed the hotel fire on the Muslim Brotherhood and used that as an excuse for rounding up and arresting more members.
Magog consoled himself by licking the lovely yet slightly singed breasts of a beautiful woman who said her breasts were singed when she had to light 244 candles on a birthday cake.
To be continued.
- A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 15th
2013.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Magog Meets Napoleon's Ghost
Since representatives of the Egyptian Army, interim government and Muslim Brotherhood all refused to meet Magog Rhys Petley, he decided to do the touristy thing and go see the Pyramids.
It was night time and the pyramids were illuminated by great searchlights.
Starlight appeared and a radio playing Nat King Cole singing Stardust could be heard in the distance.
There was a small cloud overhead and moonlight was breaking through the cloud.
Magog turned and saw a spectral figure resembling Napoleon Bonaparte.
"I am the ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte," the figure spoke.
"Of course you are," Magog sighed.
Gosh he was running into a lot of weird people this year.
"I was able to leave the Underworld of Hades because Cerberus abandoned his post for some reason, " Napoleon explained.
"Of course he did," Magog opened a bottle of Scotch whisky and started drinking from the bottle.
"As I was crossing the River Styx, the Greek Vampire Apollo appeared to me and said I was to give you advice on ruling the world," Napoleon pulled his hand out from under his jacket.
"Of course he did," Magog's eyes glazed over into oblivion, "the Olympian's knowledge of history doesn't extend until the Battle of Waterloo in 1815?".
"His directive confused me too," Napoleon admitted, "especially since I drank a lot of water from the Underworld's River of Forgetfulness the River Lethe and so subsequently my memory isn't what it used to be."
"No of course not, " Magog finished the bottle of whisky and started to loudly sing, "Some enchanted evening you will meet a stranger... a very special stranger..."
"So I've returned to Egypt to meet you since you were here," Napoleon reached his hand under his jacket again and pulled out a bottle of French brandy, "plus it's also 215 years ago this month that I lost the Battle of the Nile to that little English pipsqueak Nelson so I've returned to this land of my first major defeat."
"That was August 1798 wasn't it?" Magog recalled his schoolboy history lessons.
"Maybe this will help restore my memory," Napoleon drank from the bottle of Brandy, "the antidote to the waters of the River Lethe."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 9th
2013
It was night time and the pyramids were illuminated by great searchlights.
Starlight appeared and a radio playing Nat King Cole singing Stardust could be heard in the distance.
There was a small cloud overhead and moonlight was breaking through the cloud.
Magog turned and saw a spectral figure resembling Napoleon Bonaparte.
"I am the ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte," the figure spoke.
"Of course you are," Magog sighed.
Gosh he was running into a lot of weird people this year.
"I was able to leave the Underworld of Hades because Cerberus abandoned his post for some reason, " Napoleon explained.
"Of course he did," Magog opened a bottle of Scotch whisky and started drinking from the bottle.
"As I was crossing the River Styx, the Greek Vampire Apollo appeared to me and said I was to give you advice on ruling the world," Napoleon pulled his hand out from under his jacket.
"Of course he did," Magog's eyes glazed over into oblivion, "the Olympian's knowledge of history doesn't extend until the Battle of Waterloo in 1815?".
"His directive confused me too," Napoleon admitted, "especially since I drank a lot of water from the Underworld's River of Forgetfulness the River Lethe and so subsequently my memory isn't what it used to be."
"No of course not, " Magog finished the bottle of whisky and started to loudly sing, "Some enchanted evening you will meet a stranger... a very special stranger..."
"So I've returned to Egypt to meet you since you were here," Napoleon reached his hand under his jacket again and pulled out a bottle of French brandy, "plus it's also 215 years ago this month that I lost the Battle of the Nile to that little English pipsqueak Nelson so I've returned to this land of my first major defeat."
"That was August 1798 wasn't it?" Magog recalled his schoolboy history lessons.
"Maybe this will help restore my memory," Napoleon drank from the bottle of Brandy, "the antidote to the waters of the River Lethe."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 9th
2013
Thursday, August 8, 2013
The Mummy, The Wolfman and The Serial Killer
The flight to Cairo was indeed a long one.
Pan Goatee explained to Magog Rhys Petley that this was his first time on a plane as he usually astral projected with his astral body to various destinations all over the world.
Magog buried his head in his hands and then ordered another buttermilk from the flight attendant.
However Pan Goatee continued to drone on coincidentally at the same time a U.S. drone flew by carrying a sign that said Yemen or bust.
Pan explained that he had gone down to the airport in person to see what trouble he could cause there.
"I'm a musician by profession but serial killing is my hobby," Pan Goatee remarked as he played on his harmonica a short piece from the theme music to Alfred Hitchcock's movie Psycho.
"What do you do? Bore your victims to death?" Magog wondered to himself.
"So anyways I was down at the airport trying to see what trouble I could cause," Pan droned on as the U.S. drone exploded in a self-induced suicide bombing brought on by the motormouth satyr's constant blabbering, "and I happened to see you. And I noticed you carried in your body the spirit of my friend Neb-Senu."
This time Magog ordered a triple whisky when the flight attendant came around again.
Pan Goatee explained that the last time he had seen his extraterrestrial and ancient Egyptian friend was when Neb-Senu had become trapped in a test tube in a doctor's office in the West Bank town of Bethlehem.
Magog did have to wince when Pan Goatee mentioned the name of the doctor.
It was the same doctor he had visited in Bethlehem to get a shot for a possible sexually transmitted disease after he had paid a nocturnal visit to the town prostitute a beautiful and alluring and mysterious redheaded woman who called herself Lilith- a woman whom the townspeople said was a vampiress.
So Pan explained that when he saw Magog at the British Airways boarding gate to Cairo with the spirit of Neb-Senu inside the portly Welsh baritone's frame, he decided to use a credit card from his most recent victim (his victim being dead, he would be unable to phone in to cancel it) to purchase a ticket on the same flight as Magog.
"And that's how I'm here beside you," Pan grinned.
Magog finished his sixth triple whisky and then despite being an atheist, said a silent prayer of thanks to Allah when the plane's Captain announced that they'd soon be landing in Cairo.
Mercifully for Magog as well, Pan Goatee was detained by Egyptian Customs for not having a visa and so the Welsh werewolf British Labour MP was able to hail a taxi to his hotel without the obnoxious and monotonously boring and boastful serial killer following him.
But that was yesterday.
Magog awoke to the sound of The Beatles singing "I believe in yesterday..." on the alarm clock radio next to him.
He got up and went over to the dressing room table mirror (a 19th Century antique that had once belonged to a magician).
As he looked at himself in the mirror, he thought he momentarily caught a glimpse of a ghostly spectral figure of an ancient Egyptian mummy inside his body.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 8th
2013.
Pan Goatee explained to Magog Rhys Petley that this was his first time on a plane as he usually astral projected with his astral body to various destinations all over the world.
Magog buried his head in his hands and then ordered another buttermilk from the flight attendant.
However Pan Goatee continued to drone on coincidentally at the same time a U.S. drone flew by carrying a sign that said Yemen or bust.
Pan explained that he had gone down to the airport in person to see what trouble he could cause there.
"I'm a musician by profession but serial killing is my hobby," Pan Goatee remarked as he played on his harmonica a short piece from the theme music to Alfred Hitchcock's movie Psycho.
"What do you do? Bore your victims to death?" Magog wondered to himself.
"So anyways I was down at the airport trying to see what trouble I could cause," Pan droned on as the U.S. drone exploded in a self-induced suicide bombing brought on by the motormouth satyr's constant blabbering, "and I happened to see you. And I noticed you carried in your body the spirit of my friend Neb-Senu."
This time Magog ordered a triple whisky when the flight attendant came around again.
Pan Goatee explained that the last time he had seen his extraterrestrial and ancient Egyptian friend was when Neb-Senu had become trapped in a test tube in a doctor's office in the West Bank town of Bethlehem.
Magog did have to wince when Pan Goatee mentioned the name of the doctor.
It was the same doctor he had visited in Bethlehem to get a shot for a possible sexually transmitted disease after he had paid a nocturnal visit to the town prostitute a beautiful and alluring and mysterious redheaded woman who called herself Lilith- a woman whom the townspeople said was a vampiress.
So Pan explained that when he saw Magog at the British Airways boarding gate to Cairo with the spirit of Neb-Senu inside the portly Welsh baritone's frame, he decided to use a credit card from his most recent victim (his victim being dead, he would be unable to phone in to cancel it) to purchase a ticket on the same flight as Magog.
"And that's how I'm here beside you," Pan grinned.
Magog finished his sixth triple whisky and then despite being an atheist, said a silent prayer of thanks to Allah when the plane's Captain announced that they'd soon be landing in Cairo.
Mercifully for Magog as well, Pan Goatee was detained by Egyptian Customs for not having a visa and so the Welsh werewolf British Labour MP was able to hail a taxi to his hotel without the obnoxious and monotonously boring and boastful serial killer following him.
But that was yesterday.
Magog awoke to the sound of The Beatles singing "I believe in yesterday..." on the alarm clock radio next to him.
He got up and went over to the dressing room table mirror (a 19th Century antique that had once belonged to a magician).
As he looked at himself in the mirror, he thought he momentarily caught a glimpse of a ghostly spectral figure of an ancient Egyptian mummy inside his body.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 8th
2013.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Magog Rhys Petley and Pan Goatee
As Magog Rhys Petley sat in his seat on the British Airways plane bound for Egypt, a man in Bermuda shorts sat next to him.
Magog noticed the man had goat's legs and this wasn't the feature item on the plane's dinner menu.
Magog decided to make polite conversation, "Has anyone ever told you that you have goat's legs?".
"That's because I'm a satyr like in Ancient Greek mythology," Pan Goatee helped himself to a martini from a passing flight attendant's tray, "I'm half-man and half-goat."
"Oh of course, naturally," Magog nodded. He hadn't recalled having had that much to drink in the airport lounge.
"The name's Goatee," the satyr shook his martini, "Pan Goatee."
"Rhys Petley," the British MP ordered a glass of buttermilk from the attractive brunette flight attendant, "Magog Rhys Petley."
"Did you know that your body is inhabited by the spirit of a friend of mine?" Pan Goatee asked, "The spirit of Neb-Senu entity from planet Nibiru who sojourned in ancient Egypt eons ago and was the spirit behind the moving rotating statue in the Manchester Museum?".
Atheistic Marxist Magog Rhys Petley buried his head in his hands.
He started to wonder whether there wasn't some spiritual force present in the Universe that was trying its hardest to get people to give up drinking?
When he had passed a neighbour's apartment in the hallway recently where an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting was taking place, he had overheard the evening's speaker say that he decided to give up drinking when he saw the 3-headed dog Cerberus walk by the window of the pub in which he was drinking.
A few nights later when he had backslidden (like a Pentecostal televangelist on his umpteenth visit to a whorehouse), the same 3-headed dog Cerberus had appeared to him on the street and asked him for directions on how to get to the Palace of Westminster.
Magog Rhys Petley caught a glimpse of the shapely black silk nylon clad legs of the short skirted attractive brunette flight attendant as she walked past down the aisle.
Then he noticed the furry goat's legs of the strange individual in the Bermuda shorts sitting next to him.
He sighed.
It was going to be a long trip to Cairo.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 7th
2013
Magog noticed the man had goat's legs and this wasn't the feature item on the plane's dinner menu.
Magog decided to make polite conversation, "Has anyone ever told you that you have goat's legs?".
"That's because I'm a satyr like in Ancient Greek mythology," Pan Goatee helped himself to a martini from a passing flight attendant's tray, "I'm half-man and half-goat."
"Oh of course, naturally," Magog nodded. He hadn't recalled having had that much to drink in the airport lounge.
"The name's Goatee," the satyr shook his martini, "Pan Goatee."
"Rhys Petley," the British MP ordered a glass of buttermilk from the attractive brunette flight attendant, "Magog Rhys Petley."
"Did you know that your body is inhabited by the spirit of a friend of mine?" Pan Goatee asked, "The spirit of Neb-Senu entity from planet Nibiru who sojourned in ancient Egypt eons ago and was the spirit behind the moving rotating statue in the Manchester Museum?".
Atheistic Marxist Magog Rhys Petley buried his head in his hands.
He started to wonder whether there wasn't some spiritual force present in the Universe that was trying its hardest to get people to give up drinking?
When he had passed a neighbour's apartment in the hallway recently where an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting was taking place, he had overheard the evening's speaker say that he decided to give up drinking when he saw the 3-headed dog Cerberus walk by the window of the pub in which he was drinking.
A few nights later when he had backslidden (like a Pentecostal televangelist on his umpteenth visit to a whorehouse), the same 3-headed dog Cerberus had appeared to him on the street and asked him for directions on how to get to the Palace of Westminster.
Magog Rhys Petley caught a glimpse of the shapely black silk nylon clad legs of the short skirted attractive brunette flight attendant as she walked past down the aisle.
Then he noticed the furry goat's legs of the strange individual in the Bermuda shorts sitting next to him.
He sighed.
It was going to be a long trip to Cairo.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 7th
2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Magog Called To Egypt- Again
Magog Called To Egypt- Again
Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley had received a phone call from the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
"Goggy," Set addressed the British lycanthropic parliamentarian by a nickname he hated, "you've no doubt heard that Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham are in Egypt trying to broker a peace deal between the Army and the Muslim Brotherhood. I want you to leave for Egypt immediately and beat them to it."
"Well I hate to mention it," Magog said as he tried to shave the fur off his face, "but my last few peace missions to the Middle East the past couple of years haven't exactly been a qualified success."
"Goggy my boy," Set tried to sound as upbeat as a motivational seminar leader, "haven't you heard that expression if at first you don't succeed, try, try again?".
"All right," Magog sighed when he was confident he no longer looked like Lon Chaney Jr. playing the role of Larry Talbot.
He put the phone down, put the shaver down and grabbed his copy of A Tourist's Guide To The Best Eating Places In Cairo.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 6th
2013
Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley had received a phone call from the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
"Goggy," Set addressed the British lycanthropic parliamentarian by a nickname he hated, "you've no doubt heard that Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham are in Egypt trying to broker a peace deal between the Army and the Muslim Brotherhood. I want you to leave for Egypt immediately and beat them to it."
"Well I hate to mention it," Magog said as he tried to shave the fur off his face, "but my last few peace missions to the Middle East the past couple of years haven't exactly been a qualified success."
"Goggy my boy," Set tried to sound as upbeat as a motivational seminar leader, "haven't you heard that expression if at first you don't succeed, try, try again?".
"All right," Magog sighed when he was confident he no longer looked like Lon Chaney Jr. playing the role of Larry Talbot.
He put the phone down, put the shaver down and grabbed his copy of A Tourist's Guide To The Best Eating Places In Cairo.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 6th
2013
Monday, August 5, 2013
Eating The McFrankenburger
Eating The McFrankenburger
Renfield R. Renfield sat on the sofa eagerly clutching a bucket of hot buttered popcorn and a large theatre sized carton of Coca-Cola eagerly waiting for the press conference to start on BBC News.
Amadeus sat eating black licorice and waited in nervous anticipation wondering what it was that Renfield had done.
. . .
Mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher was at work in the Set Enterprises Laboratory when he suddenly noticed that one of his genetically created shapeshifting serums was missing.
. . .
Renfield turned up the volume on the remote when the press conference started.
The lead scientist from Maastricht University's research team introduced the world's first laboratory grown hamburger patty and the hamburger patty must have missed its calling in its brief short life because it did not stand up to take a bow.
Instead a chef from Cornwall cooked it and two food critics were called up on stage to eat it.
And that was it.
. . .
Renfield was flabbergasted.
"Nothing happened," Renfield cried.
Amadeus helped himself to some of the popcorn from Renfield's carton of popcorn as Renfield sat on the sofa in a total state of shock.
. . .
Pan Goatee was being paid $2 million U.S. by America's Rolling Stone Magazine to sit down for an exclusive interview with them.
It was the first such media interview that Britain's most notorious contemporary serial killer had granted.
"So," Tila Tequila who was doing some freelance reporting for Rolling Stone Magazine asked him, "you figure you were probably created in a genetics lab somewhere prior to waking up in the middle of the road after a lorry accident in northern England?".
"That is correct," Pan Goatee grinned as he sipped on a strawberry margarita while wearing a t-shirt that said Strawberry Fields Forever.
"And do you think the Illuminati had anything to do with your creation?" Tila asked him as she adjusted her skirt.
"Well from my brief life span on this Earth in which I must admit I've accumulated a tremendous amount of knowledge thus showing what a great genius I am," Pan Goatee batted his eyelashes with modesty, "I think the upper echelons of the Illuminati are obsessed with Osiris as a god of light and goodness. I think I was probably created by forces more in alignment with Set who was Osiris' darker more brooding more melancholy and more dark side of the force brother."
"Wow that really blows my mind," Tila said, "I understand you have the ability to astral project as well."
"That is correct," Pan Goatee astral projected his cloven left foot hoof across the room.
"Amazing," Tila gasped, "and you say your ability to astral project only emerged a couple of months after you awoke lying in the middle of that road in northern England?".
"Yes," Pan Goatee unwrapped a Cadbury Caramilk bar and helped himself to a couple of Ferrero Rocher chocolates, "I suspect whoever my creator is, he hasn't fully mastered the mixed DNA cocktails he creates. And so some things only kick in to his creations months, weeks or possibly hours after their creation."
. . .
The two food critics who had eaten the world's first lab grown hamburger were now enjoying a nice juicy tenderloin steak in a swanky upscale London restaurant.
When the waiter came over to ask them how they were enjoying their meals, both food critics suddenly turned into the spitting image of world-famous clown Ronald McDonald.
"Mon Dieu," the restaurant's French maitre 'd gasped when he saw the transformation, "this will mean bad reviews for the restaurant for sure."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 5th
2013.
Renfield R. Renfield sat on the sofa eagerly clutching a bucket of hot buttered popcorn and a large theatre sized carton of Coca-Cola eagerly waiting for the press conference to start on BBC News.
Amadeus sat eating black licorice and waited in nervous anticipation wondering what it was that Renfield had done.
. . .
Mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher was at work in the Set Enterprises Laboratory when he suddenly noticed that one of his genetically created shapeshifting serums was missing.
. . .
Renfield turned up the volume on the remote when the press conference started.
The lead scientist from Maastricht University's research team introduced the world's first laboratory grown hamburger patty and the hamburger patty must have missed its calling in its brief short life because it did not stand up to take a bow.
Instead a chef from Cornwall cooked it and two food critics were called up on stage to eat it.
And that was it.
. . .
Renfield was flabbergasted.
"Nothing happened," Renfield cried.
Amadeus helped himself to some of the popcorn from Renfield's carton of popcorn as Renfield sat on the sofa in a total state of shock.
. . .
Pan Goatee was being paid $2 million U.S. by America's Rolling Stone Magazine to sit down for an exclusive interview with them.
It was the first such media interview that Britain's most notorious contemporary serial killer had granted.
"So," Tila Tequila who was doing some freelance reporting for Rolling Stone Magazine asked him, "you figure you were probably created in a genetics lab somewhere prior to waking up in the middle of the road after a lorry accident in northern England?".
"That is correct," Pan Goatee grinned as he sipped on a strawberry margarita while wearing a t-shirt that said Strawberry Fields Forever.
"And do you think the Illuminati had anything to do with your creation?" Tila asked him as she adjusted her skirt.
"Well from my brief life span on this Earth in which I must admit I've accumulated a tremendous amount of knowledge thus showing what a great genius I am," Pan Goatee batted his eyelashes with modesty, "I think the upper echelons of the Illuminati are obsessed with Osiris as a god of light and goodness. I think I was probably created by forces more in alignment with Set who was Osiris' darker more brooding more melancholy and more dark side of the force brother."
"Wow that really blows my mind," Tila said, "I understand you have the ability to astral project as well."
"That is correct," Pan Goatee astral projected his cloven left foot hoof across the room.
"Amazing," Tila gasped, "and you say your ability to astral project only emerged a couple of months after you awoke lying in the middle of that road in northern England?".
"Yes," Pan Goatee unwrapped a Cadbury Caramilk bar and helped himself to a couple of Ferrero Rocher chocolates, "I suspect whoever my creator is, he hasn't fully mastered the mixed DNA cocktails he creates. And so some things only kick in to his creations months, weeks or possibly hours after their creation."
. . .
The two food critics who had eaten the world's first lab grown hamburger were now enjoying a nice juicy tenderloin steak in a swanky upscale London restaurant.
When the waiter came over to ask them how they were enjoying their meals, both food critics suddenly turned into the spitting image of world-famous clown Ronald McDonald.
"Mon Dieu," the restaurant's French maitre 'd gasped when he saw the transformation, "this will mean bad reviews for the restaurant for sure."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 5th
2013.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
McFrankenstein Hamburger
McFrankenstein Hamburger
"I see the world's first lab-grown hamburger is to be cooked and eaten at a press conference in London tomorrow," Amadeus Emanon the world's first genetically created concert pianist remarked to his friend Renfield R. Renfield the world's first genetically created human/hamster shapeshifter.
"I know," Renfield grinned like the fox who had just eaten the chicken.
"What are you up to?" Amadeus asked Renfield, "Did you sneak into the Maastricht University lab and do something to that lab grown hamburger patty?".
"You know the practical joker I am," Renfield grinned like a Pasadena community college social sciences professor who had gone beyond sexting and had actually managed to get into a porn star's panties, "just watch the press conference tomorrow and you'll find out for yourself."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday August 4th
2013
"I see the world's first lab-grown hamburger is to be cooked and eaten at a press conference in London tomorrow," Amadeus Emanon the world's first genetically created concert pianist remarked to his friend Renfield R. Renfield the world's first genetically created human/hamster shapeshifter.
"I know," Renfield grinned like the fox who had just eaten the chicken.
"What are you up to?" Amadeus asked Renfield, "Did you sneak into the Maastricht University lab and do something to that lab grown hamburger patty?".
"You know the practical joker I am," Renfield grinned like a Pasadena community college social sciences professor who had gone beyond sexting and had actually managed to get into a porn star's panties, "just watch the press conference tomorrow and you'll find out for yourself."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday August 4th
2013
Thursday, August 1, 2013
The Devil On Lammas Day
As the man sat at the bus stop reading his newspaper about a series of gruesome bus murders that had occurred in Vancouver, British Columbia, he remarked to the gentleman sitting next to him, "Maybe my grandmother was right after all."
"Right about what?" The man sitting next to him asked.
The man posing the question could have easily passed for a lawyer, a tax collector or the publisher of a Fleet Street newspaper.
"My grandmother always claimed the Devil walked the Earth on Lammas Eve, Lammas Day and Lammas Night," the man reading the newspaper replied.
At that moment, a London double decker bus pulled up.
The man who could have passed for a lawyer, a tax collector or a Fleet Street newspaper publisher got on first.
The man with the newspaper under his arm got on behind and stepped on the tail of the man in front of him.
"Oh, I'm sorry, " the man with the newspaper said.
Wait a minute... he thought...
Stepped on the tail of the man in front of him?
The man with the newspaper under his arm looked down and noticed the lawyerish and tax collectorish looking man had a pitchfork at the end of his tail.
The man with the newspaper screamed.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 1st
2013
Lammas Day
"Right about what?" The man sitting next to him asked.
The man posing the question could have easily passed for a lawyer, a tax collector or the publisher of a Fleet Street newspaper.
"My grandmother always claimed the Devil walked the Earth on Lammas Eve, Lammas Day and Lammas Night," the man reading the newspaper replied.
At that moment, a London double decker bus pulled up.
The man who could have passed for a lawyer, a tax collector or a Fleet Street newspaper publisher got on first.
The man with the newspaper under his arm got on behind and stepped on the tail of the man in front of him.
"Oh, I'm sorry, " the man with the newspaper said.
Wait a minute... he thought...
Stepped on the tail of the man in front of him?
The man with the newspaper under his arm looked down and noticed the lawyerish and tax collectorish looking man had a pitchfork at the end of his tail.
The man with the newspaper screamed.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 1st
2013
Lammas Day
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Cerberus and Pan Goatee In Vancouver
Pan Goatee had been reading all the Sydney Seagull poems that Dracul Van Helsing had written.
So he decided to go to Vancouver and see this strange eccentric bird for himself.
But after astral projecting himself to English Bay, he frightened off all the seagulls since he was carrying his astral machete with him.
Most of the humans on the beach were too stoned to be frightened by his astral machete.
Either that or they were pointing at it and saying in a brain dead zombie like voice, "Wow. That's really cool, man."
Pan Goatee who shared the Ancient Greek passion for true intellectual contemplation of the Realm of Platonic Forms thought these idiots were incapable of it and so beheaded them all thus reducing the amount of support for the Yes side in a possible B.C. Provincial Referendum on Marijuana Decriminalization to say nothing of reducing the base of support for Justin Trudeau's Canadian Federal Liberal Party.
Since Pan Goatee did not know his way around Vancouver, he decided to call a halt to his astral projection and ride the Vancouver Transit System that all the travel books raved about.
But seeing as how today was the second round of the Honda Celebration of Light Vancouver Fireworks Festival Competition (and the host country of Canada was tonight's competitor) the buses in Vancouver were full of $&@!ing people much to Pan Goatee's disgust.
He went around beheading people left, right and centre (and even totally apathetic when it came to the political spectrum) in a one half-man half-goat attempt to make a dent in the world's 7 billion population mark.
He tried boarding the next bus because the one he was on although now empty stank to high-heaven.
That one too was crowded- this one filled with people going to the Justin Timberlake concert being held tonight in Vancouver.
Pan Goatee raged, "Justin Timberlake? I hate that guy for making Britney Spears cry."
Although he had only been genetically created this year, a recent well-done documentary on MTV that he had watched had brought him up to speed on the music scene of the past 20 years.
Sadly his astral machete now required sharpening and there wasn't an astral sharpening saw in sight.
He happened to see the 3-headed dog Cerberus astral project on to the scene.
Cerberus actually wanted to astral project to the Palace of Westminster in London, England but he made the mistake of asking a recently reformed alcoholic (who had only sworn off booze a few days before) for directions.
And this was where he wound up- in downtown Vancouver British Columbia.
"Cerberus," Pan Goatee cried out to him, "this bus is full of damned souls aka Justin Timberlake fans. Come and eat them."
Cerberus wagged his tail in a friendly fashion as he hadn't had anything to eat in several days.
He boarded the bus and with his 3 heads that all required a carnivourous non-vegetarian diet bit and chewed and swallowed anyone and everyone in sight.
In the aftermath, all that was left on the bus was a lot of blood and a bunch of bodiless Justin Timberlake shirts.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 31st 2013.
So he decided to go to Vancouver and see this strange eccentric bird for himself.
But after astral projecting himself to English Bay, he frightened off all the seagulls since he was carrying his astral machete with him.
Most of the humans on the beach were too stoned to be frightened by his astral machete.
Either that or they were pointing at it and saying in a brain dead zombie like voice, "Wow. That's really cool, man."
Pan Goatee who shared the Ancient Greek passion for true intellectual contemplation of the Realm of Platonic Forms thought these idiots were incapable of it and so beheaded them all thus reducing the amount of support for the Yes side in a possible B.C. Provincial Referendum on Marijuana Decriminalization to say nothing of reducing the base of support for Justin Trudeau's Canadian Federal Liberal Party.
Since Pan Goatee did not know his way around Vancouver, he decided to call a halt to his astral projection and ride the Vancouver Transit System that all the travel books raved about.
But seeing as how today was the second round of the Honda Celebration of Light Vancouver Fireworks Festival Competition (and the host country of Canada was tonight's competitor) the buses in Vancouver were full of $&@!ing people much to Pan Goatee's disgust.
He went around beheading people left, right and centre (and even totally apathetic when it came to the political spectrum) in a one half-man half-goat attempt to make a dent in the world's 7 billion population mark.
He tried boarding the next bus because the one he was on although now empty stank to high-heaven.
That one too was crowded- this one filled with people going to the Justin Timberlake concert being held tonight in Vancouver.
Pan Goatee raged, "Justin Timberlake? I hate that guy for making Britney Spears cry."
Although he had only been genetically created this year, a recent well-done documentary on MTV that he had watched had brought him up to speed on the music scene of the past 20 years.
Sadly his astral machete now required sharpening and there wasn't an astral sharpening saw in sight.
He happened to see the 3-headed dog Cerberus astral project on to the scene.
Cerberus actually wanted to astral project to the Palace of Westminster in London, England but he made the mistake of asking a recently reformed alcoholic (who had only sworn off booze a few days before) for directions.
And this was where he wound up- in downtown Vancouver British Columbia.
"Cerberus," Pan Goatee cried out to him, "this bus is full of damned souls aka Justin Timberlake fans. Come and eat them."
Cerberus wagged his tail in a friendly fashion as he hadn't had anything to eat in several days.
He boarded the bus and with his 3 heads that all required a carnivourous non-vegetarian diet bit and chewed and swallowed anyone and everyone in sight.
In the aftermath, all that was left on the bus was a lot of blood and a bunch of bodiless Justin Timberlake shirts.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 31st 2013.
Monday, July 29, 2013
An Answer In Mysterious Ways
The woman looked at her watch.
1:30 AM and her husband was still not home.
The woman got down on her knees and prayed, "Please Lord, find some way that my husband will give up drinking."
* * *
The husband sat in the pub and looked out the window.
Then he looked at the old grandfather clock ticking beside the bar.
1:30 AM.
He'd been here since 3:00 PM this past afternoon.
Sometimes he really wondered whether he should give up drinking.
"Oh, well," he thought to himself, "I promise I'll give up drinking if I see a 3-headed dog walk by."
He looked out the window and saw the 3-headed dog Cerberus walk by.
He looked down sadly at his empty glass and sighed, "Now, I'll have to give up drinking."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 29th 2013.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Ghosts Galore
Ghosts Galore
The entertainer in the pub sang, "I'm Henry VIII I am, I am, I just got married to the widow next door, she's been married 7 times before and everyone was a Henry - Henr-ee so that makes me Henry the Eighth I am..."
Outside the pub waiting for him was the ghost of Henry VIII and the ghost of his executioner.
"I didn't find your song very humourous," Henry harrumphed, "off with his head."
The executioner swung his ghostly axe and the axe passed harmlessly through the entertainer's head.
"I see you don't know how to manifest spiritual objects into a material reality," Pan Goatee laughed as he astral projected by on his way to a replication of the Bohemian Grove ceremony on the banks of the Thames.
"Me? I thought it was you who was going to bring the statue of the giant owl," former British Prime Minister Tony Blair said in exasperation to the current Archbishop of Canterbury.
. . .
The ghost of Josef Stalin stood in shock on Brazil's Copacabana Beach at the massive crowd of young people cheering Pope Francis.
A booming voice seemed to echo out of the heavens, "Well Joe you stupid ass, I didn't think I'd ever see you again after you kicked the bucket. Well now you know how many soldiers the Pope has."
Stalin's ghost looked up and saw a huge cloud in the shape of Sir Winston Churchill's head smoking a giant cigar.
. . .
Adolf Hitler's ghost sat in Rush Limbaugh's huge dressing room and waited for the enormously stout talk show host to return.
The Fuhrer's spirit tried to help himself to a piece of chicken from one of the 6 dozen buckets of KFC that sat on the dressing room table awaiting Mr. Limbaugh's return.
But since he didn't know how to project material objects into a spiritual reality, he couldn't.
When Rush returned, the Fuhrer greeted him enthusiastically.
Speaking in a thick German accent and spraying his own moustache with his enthusiasm, the Fuhrer said, "I really love your show and agree with everything you say. The non-whites in this country are getting far too uppity in my opinion."
. . .
The Greek vampire Hades used the remote to turn off his satellite TV and then spoke to one of his aides, "You know the reception is so bad underground. We really should think about switching over to Cable."
"I'll look into it, sir," his aide replied.
"But still despite the blurry picture, it still gives me some idea of the chaos that exists above," Hades helped himself to some pomegranate seeds, "we must see what we can do about getting Cerberus back to his guard dog position again so we can stop all these damned spirits from crossing back over the River Styx to the world above."
"I'll see what I can do, sir," his aide remarked.
"It's all so frustrating," Hades hit his forehead, "where's Persephone when you really need her? All this masturbation starts to get on one's nerves after a while."
"You're forgetting that it's summer on Mount Olympus, sir," his aide reminded him.
"Why doesn't anyone remember to turn over the page on this damned calendar?" Hades snapped as he turned over the calendar several pages.
. . .
On one side of the River Styx, Chris de Burgh sang, "Don't pay the ferryman until he gets you to the other side..."
On Mount Olympus, Vincent Price spoke as he watched Michael Jackson dance on the moon,
"Darkness falls across the land,
The midnight hour is close at hand..."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 26th 2013
The entertainer in the pub sang, "I'm Henry VIII I am, I am, I just got married to the widow next door, she's been married 7 times before and everyone was a Henry - Henr-ee so that makes me Henry the Eighth I am..."
Outside the pub waiting for him was the ghost of Henry VIII and the ghost of his executioner.
"I didn't find your song very humourous," Henry harrumphed, "off with his head."
The executioner swung his ghostly axe and the axe passed harmlessly through the entertainer's head.
"I see you don't know how to manifest spiritual objects into a material reality," Pan Goatee laughed as he astral projected by on his way to a replication of the Bohemian Grove ceremony on the banks of the Thames.
"Me? I thought it was you who was going to bring the statue of the giant owl," former British Prime Minister Tony Blair said in exasperation to the current Archbishop of Canterbury.
. . .
The ghost of Josef Stalin stood in shock on Brazil's Copacabana Beach at the massive crowd of young people cheering Pope Francis.
A booming voice seemed to echo out of the heavens, "Well Joe you stupid ass, I didn't think I'd ever see you again after you kicked the bucket. Well now you know how many soldiers the Pope has."
Stalin's ghost looked up and saw a huge cloud in the shape of Sir Winston Churchill's head smoking a giant cigar.
. . .
Adolf Hitler's ghost sat in Rush Limbaugh's huge dressing room and waited for the enormously stout talk show host to return.
The Fuhrer's spirit tried to help himself to a piece of chicken from one of the 6 dozen buckets of KFC that sat on the dressing room table awaiting Mr. Limbaugh's return.
But since he didn't know how to project material objects into a spiritual reality, he couldn't.
When Rush returned, the Fuhrer greeted him enthusiastically.
Speaking in a thick German accent and spraying his own moustache with his enthusiasm, the Fuhrer said, "I really love your show and agree with everything you say. The non-whites in this country are getting far too uppity in my opinion."
. . .
The Greek vampire Hades used the remote to turn off his satellite TV and then spoke to one of his aides, "You know the reception is so bad underground. We really should think about switching over to Cable."
"I'll look into it, sir," his aide replied.
"But still despite the blurry picture, it still gives me some idea of the chaos that exists above," Hades helped himself to some pomegranate seeds, "we must see what we can do about getting Cerberus back to his guard dog position again so we can stop all these damned spirits from crossing back over the River Styx to the world above."
"I'll see what I can do, sir," his aide remarked.
"It's all so frustrating," Hades hit his forehead, "where's Persephone when you really need her? All this masturbation starts to get on one's nerves after a while."
"You're forgetting that it's summer on Mount Olympus, sir," his aide reminded him.
"Why doesn't anyone remember to turn over the page on this damned calendar?" Hades snapped as he turned over the calendar several pages.
. . .
On one side of the River Styx, Chris de Burgh sang, "Don't pay the ferryman until he gets you to the other side..."
On Mount Olympus, Vincent Price spoke as he watched Michael Jackson dance on the moon,
"Darkness falls across the land,
The midnight hour is close at hand..."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 26th 2013
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Renfield's Lottery Ticket Or Wagging The Dog Cerberus
Renfield found nothing wrong with his selection of lottery picks
but the combination caused Cerberus to cross the River Styx
and the result of Cerberus' 3 heads abandoning their posts
would cause this planet Earth to be overrun with ghosts.
-A vampire novel poem
written by Christopher
during the Midnight Hour
early Wednesday morning
July 24th 2013
when ghosts are out
prowling about.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Renfield and The Pompous Arrogant Millionaire
Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon entered the seafood restaurant in London.
As they were entering, a man walked directly in front of Renfield and knocked into him without saying "Excuse me."
"I'm going to kill that bastard," Renfield turned to go after the man.
Amadeus grabbed Renfield and held him, "Calm down."
As they were seated at a table, their usual waitress came over to their table and seemed to be somewhat upset.
"What's wrong?" Amadeus asked.
"That man who just walked out," she pointed outside to the man walking on the sidewalk- the same man who had carelessly bumped into Renfield, "he had a meal worth 50 pounds and tipped me nothing. Usually he leaves me a 5 pound tip but because I didn't deliver his crab to him within 30 seconds of the chef ringing the bell to say the order was ready, he left me nothing. But I had a whole bunch of drinks on my tray for another table at the time and I couldn't rush to deliver them. So for that, he left me a tip of nothing."
"Really?" Amadeus was shocked.
"The guy's a millionaire too," the waitress sighed, "and always boasting about how philanthropic and charitable he is. But because I didn't deliver his crab to him within 30 seconds, that philanthropic millionaire left me a tip of nothing."
"That does it," Renfield said, "I'm going to kill the bastard."
This time Amadeus did nothing to stop him.
Renfield ran outside the restaurant and spotted the man about to enter the back seat of a Rolls Royce limousine whose back door was being held open by a chauffeur.
Renfield went behind the man, pulled out his gun and fired six rounds into the man's back.
Then he turned around and walked back into the restaurant.
As the man lay on the sidewalk bleeding to death, his chauffeur (who had often been the victim of many of the pompous arrogant millionaire's tirades) text messaged a friend on his phone (one he knew would be slow to answer him) and asked him what was the emergency number for police, fire and ambulance in the United Kingdom.
The friend responded 15 minutes later, "999 but you should know this."
"You're right I should," the chauffeur text messaged back in Dracul Van Helsing style longhand, "I guess I must have forgotten momentarily."
By this time the man was already dead and and had started his eternity of roasting on a nice warm red hot spit in Hellish flames.
When Renfield entered the restaurant a minute after shooting the man 6 times with his gun, he remarked to himself, "It's a good thing there's a special on illegal ammunition this week down at the gang warehouse in the London dockyards or otherwise I'd be kicking myself silly right now for excessive wastage of bullets."
"What did you do?" Amadeus asked.
"I shot and killed him," Renfield calmly remarked as he tied his napkin around his neck to form a protective bib as he quite often splashed while eating his oysters.
"You know I'm worried about myself," Amadeus remarked, "I should be feeling a sense of moral outrage right now since you killed someone albeit someone who was a total asshole. Yet I'm finding it hard to work up a sense of moral outrage over his death."
"That's because you've just learned a little known truth," Renfield grinned, "which is totally oblivious to most idiots who work in the Crown Prosecutor's Office and also sit on the bench which is that most societies do require psychopaths in order to be able to function properly in a manner that ensures true fairness and justice for all."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday night July 22nd 2013.
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