Renfield Does Some Good

Dracul Van Helsing had received a call from Gregorio Palamas the President of the International Federation of Vampire Hunters.

Palamas wanted to talk to him in person.

So Dracul Van Helsing flew to Athens, Greece.

Palamas' night job was President of the International Federation of Vampire Hunters.

But his day job was a judge and magistrate in Athens.

Palamas was wanting to talk to Dracul Van Helsing because he was feeling depressed.

Because of some idiocies committed by certain policemen in investigating a certain crime, Palamas was forced to call a halt to the trial and release from custody a well known pedophile and child molester named Podaleios Tinydickopolous.

"Podaleios Tinydickopolous," Dracu Van Helsing recalled the name, "doesn't he fancy himself a wrestler?"

"Yes he does," Gregorio Palamas nodded, "although he's never won a match. His channel on YouTube consists of a lot of wrestling videos of other people of course. Since his own performances are so lousy."

"He's also a member of the growing neo-Nazi and Fascist movement that seems to be arising on YouTube," Dracul said, "which is strange. After Mussolini's invasion of Greece, you'd think Greeks would be naturally opposed to neo-Nazisim and Fascism."

"Sadly," Gregorio shook his head, "21st Century Greece isn't imbued with the wisdom of ancient Athens but the sodomite imbecility of ancient Sparta."

"I guess that explains why it's on the verge of economic collapse," Dracul noted.

"Indeed being bailed out by the EU which really means being bailed out by Germany," Gregorio shook his head sadly, "our fiscal asses are being saved by Germany while this pervert goes free who kisses Hitler's ass and buggers the asses of little boys."

"It's too bad Podaleios Tinydickopolous wasn't a vampire," Dracul said, "then I'd have a license and an excuse to kill him."

"It is indeed too bad," Gregorio shook his head, "he used a hot poker to sodomize his young victims since his own penis was much too small."

Dracul Van Helsing left the Athens court house.

As he walked down the street, he suddenly recognized the pedophile and child molester Podaleios Tinydickopolous.

"Gees, I wish I could bump him off," Dracul bit his lip.

Suddenly Dracul recognized Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon walking the streets of Athens.

Dracul overheard Renfield saying to Amadeus, "I'm pretty sure that after that Icelandic volcano belched out Apollo and Zeus, those two ancient gods would be heading back to Greece."

Dracul hid himself from Renfield's view when an idea suddenly came to him.

Dracul went into a nearby Greek store where he asked for a pen and paper and some tape.

He wrote down on the piece of paper, "RENFIELD R. RENFIELD PICKS FLORAL BOUQUETS".

He then hurried down the street where he carefully placed the taped piece of paper on Podaleios Tinydickopolous' back.

He then followed slowly behind until he noticed Renfield approaching from the other direction.

He then pushed Podaleios directly into Renfield.

And after having done so, he went into the nearest Greek taverna where he watched a beautiful young Greek woman belly dancer.

Renfield was furious at being bumped into.

He was even more furious when he saw the sign on the man's back.

Renfield laid ahold of the man.

That night, Greek television news reported that a body had been found. There were severe burn marks up and down the body. The arms, legs and head had all been chopped off- in that order! There was also a very tiny burnt sliver found around the body which was later identified as the man's penis.

The man would later be identified as the recently released pedophile and child molester Podaleios Tinydickopolous.

That night, Amadeus could hear Renfield shout in the shower, "I feel so like Lady MacBeth right now. I just can't seem to get the blood off."

To be continued.

Renfield's Rescue

Dracul Van Helsing was sitting in a London pub called The Crown and Anchor eating steak and kidney pie.

One of the TVs in the pub was tuned to BBC-News.

The announcer intoned,

"And in other news, Renfied R. Renfield an executive with London-based Set Enterprises was rescued from a burning dirigible over the erupting Icelandic volcano. Renfield along with noted concert pianist Amadeus Emanon were rescued by an Icelandic farmer and his turkey..."

"Amusing, isn't it?" The Vampiress Morgana appeared next to Dracul. She was wearing a Metallica t-shirt and a short denim skirt.

"Couldn't happen to a nicer guy," Dracul smiled at Morgana.

"Too bad he survived," Morgana sat next to Dracul.

"It is," Dracul nodded, "I'm glad Amadeus survived. He's all right."

"I like Amadeus," Morgana agreed.

"What caused the tiff between you and Renfield?" Dracul asked.

"I'd rather not say," Morgana shook her head.

"Renfield rubs a lot of people the wrong way," Dracul admitted.


* * *

Meanwhile over in Iceland, Renfield suddenly found himself being attacked and pecked at by the Icelandic farmer's turkey.

To be continued.

Remember The Hindenburg

Renfield and Amadeus were flying in a dirigible close to the erupting Icelandic volcano.

"What are we doing here, boss?" Amadeus asked Renfield.

"Well from that BBC News video I saw," Renfield explained, "I'm pretty sure I saw the heads of Zeus and Apollo emerge from this volcano. So I was just wondering how many other ancient gods might be buried below this volcano here. If we could gather them up and form an alliance with our boss Set, we could take over the world."

"Why didn't we fly here in an airplane?" Amadeus asked.

"Because you idiot," Renfield foamed, "it's dangerous for a plane to fly into a combination of volcanic ash and glacial ice particles."

"Well, isn't flying a dirigible in the presence of a volcano dangerous?" Amadeus pointed out, "The Hindenburg exploded and burst into flames back in 1937."

"Yes, but that wasn't over a volcano," Renfield answered, "that was over New Jersey. New Jersey is a pretty dangerous place to be particularly off the New Jersey turnpike during rush hour."

"That's a good point," Amadeus had to admit.

"Besides which the Hindenburg was fueled by hydrogen which is highly combustible," Renfield explained, "Modern airships such as ours are powered by helium which is a lot safer."

"Well, actually..." Amadeus raised his finger in the air.

"You did rent a helium fueled dirigible didn't you?" Renfield started to turn pale.

"Well when I was at the Evas Hurts Rent-An-Airship place off Piccadilly Circus, the Vampiress Morgana just happened to appear when she heard that it was you wanting to rent a dirigible and she offered me a great deal on this hydrogen fueled airship when she heard where you wanted to go," Amadeus smiled, "so I saved us some money."

"Oh shit," Renfield exclaimed just as the airship exploded.

On the ground below, an Icelandic farmer looked up and said in Icelandic, "Oh... the humanity. The humanity..."

The Icelandic farmer's turkey who was wearing a WKRP In Cincinnati scarf around its neck also looked up and said, "Gobble. Gobble."


To be continued.

Shakespearian Rapper's Summary

(When you read the poem below, hear it in your mind as the voice of a rapper)



In this same interlude it doth befall
that I one Snout by name present a wall
but alas this isn't my call.

So Van Helsing fans this the way it be
Renfield's cat trick worked successfully
Heathcliff showed him the contract
so the hamster released the cat
and walked out the door
Amadeus followed on the floor.

Now Heathcliff was very upset
but at least he got back his pet.
He gave Vampiress Morgana a call
told her all that doth befall
and Morgana practically hit the wall.

But luckily for me I ducked
while Pyramus and Thisbe f*&@ed
same goes for Drac and the Kathy chic
gawked at by a cabby hick
does the UK think Gordon Brown's a prick?

But hey that isn't my call
that's the UK electorate's ball
back to our story
Heathcliff was sorry
but Morgana said, 'T'aint your fault
now I wish John wasn't Gaunt but Gault
then it would rhyme
while I have a lime
by yonder star
while Romeo makes time.

Now in the U.S. midwest
Hyung was the best
many a vampire failed the test
so their dust was laid to rest
Alas! poor Yorick I knew him well
but he got sent straight to Hell!
His adultery wasn't up to par
and he'll join Tiger's balls in a jar.


Now what about this volcano eh?
making night out of day
spewing ash what you say?
I saw the heads of Apollo and Zeus
formed in that cloud.
my reaction, for cryin' out loud
ancient gods emerge from volcano bed
I must run but my ass is full of lead
now it looks like I'll join the livin' dead.

-A Shakespearian Rapper's Summary
of what has transpired in both my vampire novel
and the world at large
lately


written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
on Monday, April 19th, 2010.

Dracul Lights Up A Taxi And A Meteor Lights Up The U.S. Midwest

Amadeus poured water all over the hamster.

Renfield reverted to his human shape.

"He's a shapeshifter," Amadeus explained.

Kathy shrieked and jumped off the desk and ran out of the office screaming.

Renfield stood up and shouted, "Let me get to the point! I want to see Aulos Music's recording contract with the Vampiress Morgana."

"I'm sorry," Heathcliff calmly sipped his Mocha Cappucino frappe, "but that's confidential information."

Renfield waved to Amadeus, "Amadeus, bring in the violin case."

Amadeus brought in the violin case.

Renfield opened the case and grabbed Oysterella by the scruff of the neck.

"Show me the contract or the cat gets it," Renfield pointed a gun at the cat's head.


* * *

Kathy ran outside the Aulos Music Towers Office Building in her high-heeled shoes and fell straight into the arms of Dracul Van Helsing.

"Wow, I always wanted to meet a woman who looked like Merle Oberon," Dracul held her in his arms.

"There's an evil shapeshifting hamster in my boss' office," Kathy gasped.

"Evil shapeshifting hamster?" Dracul Van Helsing looked into her beautiful jade green eyes, "That must be Renfield."

"It is," Kathy kissed Dracul.

"I'll go after him," Dracul kissed her back, "but I've learned to set my priorities in life. I make out with beautiful women first before I battle evil shapeshifting hamsters."

They hailed a taxi and then dove into the back seat where they started kissing and caressing and hugging and making out.

The taxi driver who looked a lot like Norman Newman (played by Wayne Knight) on the old U.S. TV show Seinfeld leered back in anger at them.


* * *

South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan walked along the dusty roads of a rural county in the U.S. midwest.

She was wearing a long black skirt and black leather boots.

She had spent most of the evening slaying vampires and vampiresses.

There had seemed to be a sudden rash and outbreak of vampires in the U.S. midwest lately.

And Hyung couldn't help but think that something or someone bigger was behind all this.

As Hyung looked down at her watch... 10:10 P.M. ... night suddenly turned into day as a meteor lit up the entire sky.

And Hyung thought as the meteor soared above her that she could distinctly hear the sounds of demonic cackling and laughter.



To be continued.

Renfield and Heathcliff Meet Again

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell was sitting at his office desk crying and wiping his eyes.

"Oh Oysterella, where art thou?" Heathcliff wept.

The door suddenly burst open and in walked Renfield R. Renfield.

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell's secretary walked in behind him, "I'm sorry, Mr. Heathcliff, sir. I couldn't stop him."

"That's all right, Kathy," Heathcliff waved her out the door.

"You remember me?" Renfield smiled.

"You helped manage my campaign for the Presidency of the United States," Heathcliff wiped his glasses, "and I must say you didn't do a very good job. I lost."

"That's all in the past," Renfield shrugged.

"Now I'm horrified to say that loss makes me having something in common with Hillary Clinton," Heathcliff shuddered, "although I must admit I have something in common with Monica Lewinsky too. Someone left a nasty semen stain on one of my blue dresses as well."

"That isn't really what I came here to find out," Renfield grimaced.

Amadeus Emanon opened the door, "Say, boss, I was wondering if you could give me some spare change so I can use one of the Coke machines."

"I told you to wait outside," Renfield shouted.

"Okay, okay," Amadeus answered before slamming the door, "don't get your panties in a knot."

"I don't wear panties," Renfield screamed.

"I do," Heathcliff stated.

"That isn't what I came for either," Renfield was starting to grow hamster whiskers in his exasperation.

"Say, you know," Amadeus walked into the office again and spoke to Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell, "did anyone tell you that your secretary Kathy looks a lot like Merle Oberon?".

"I see you have excellent taste in both movies and actresses," Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell took a sip of his cinnamon sprinkled Mocha Cafe frappe, "Yes, Kathy does look a lot like Merle Oberon. Unfortunately, I look nothing at all like Laurence Olivier." Heathcliff rubbed his balding head.

By this time, Renfield R. Renfield had become so exasperated that he had reverted totally to his hamster shape.

"Good heavens, there's a hamster here," Heathcliff jumped on top of his desk, "help hamster on the loose!"

"Mr. Heathcliff, sir, what's wrong?" Kathy entered the room

When she saw the hamster on the floor, she lifted up her blue dress and despite wearing spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes managed to jump on top of the desk as well.

"I'll go grab a glass of water," Amadeus said, "and throw it on him. That gets him back to his human form."

Inside a large violin case outside the office, a cat could be heard mewing and purring from inside.

To be continued.

Arthur's Sword and The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

The Rev. Canon Fred Van Helsing looked at his nephew Dracul.

Canon Van Helsing was a retired clergyman in the Church of England as well as a retired Oxford history don.

He was looking through a magnifying glass at the inscriptions on the sword that Dracul had found down in Cornwall.

"This claims to be the legendary Sword In The Stone of Arthurian fame," Canon Van Helsing spoke, "only Arthur or the chosen one of his descendants can remove the sword from this stone."

"Chosen One eh?" Edmund Van Helsing who was Dracul's cousin and Canon Van Helsing's son looked at the Canadian vampire hunter, "you better not visit the White House in Washington DC to meet President Obama then. Having two Chosen Ones in the same room may not be a good thing."


* * *


Renfield R. Renfield was interviewing a potential employee for Set Enterprises in his office.

He looked at the man's job application,

"I is been a fashion model in Spane will have must flown as a pielot for Are Azia leter mechaneec for Emarate Airlynes"

Renfield glared at the man, "This is the most atrocious grammar, writing and spelling I've ever come across in my life.
It says here you haven't worked in 6 months. What did you do this whole time?".

"I made fun of a beautiful Malaysian woman named Kriztine at this one particular blogging site," the man answered, "I made fun of her English writing, spelling and grammar."

Renfield pulled out a gun and blew the man's head off.

"Well, I think any future modelling career you might have had is now over," Renfield pushed a button and the floor opened and the man's head, body and chair dropped 700 metres below.

Renfield pushed the intercom button and addressed his secretary, "Is my costume from Frankie Goes Hollywood's Costume Rentals ready yet?".


* * *

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell was sitting in Trafalgar Square watching his cat Oysterella chase all the pigeons when suddenly an individual appeared wearing a giant mouse costume.

The "mouse" ran and grabbed Oysterella.

And then ran out of the Square.

Heathcliff stood up spilling his pink hot buttered popcorn all over his white fluffy ruffled pirate shirt.

"Someone stop that mouse," Heathcliff screamed, "that mouse has got my pussy."


To be continued.

Morgana Before Dawn, Planned Catnapping In London and Catfight In Paris

The Vampiress Morgana left the ancient Cornwall house just before dawn.

She was feeling weak for some reason.

She could not understand why.

There was something about drinking Dracul Van Helsing's blood that had an effect on her.

She felt too weak to fly.

She would have to find one of the caves or abandoned mines along this coast to rest while it was day light.

As she walked, she noticed a moss covered rock that seemed to have something that struck her eye.

She brushed away the moss and it looked to be the top of a sword sticking out of the stone.

She tried to pull the sword out but it wouldn't budge.

Seeing rosy glints in the sky just before the onset of the rising sun, she hurried to a nearby cave.

Later that morning, Dracul Van Helsing walked along that same path.

* * *

Amadeus Emanon, personal concert pianist to the multi-millionaire (and formerly billionaire) ancient Egyptian vampire Set looked at Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering For Set Enterprises. They were both standing on a street corner in downtown London.

"It looks like you've got something up your sleeve this morning," Amadeus said.

"An ancient Japanese samurai knife actually," Renfield replied.

"I was meaning it in the metaphorical sense," Amadeus explained, "but that's nice to know."

"What I've got up my metaphorical sleeve," Renfield smiled, "is I plan to kidnap Oysterella the pet cat of Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell the Executive Vice-President of Aulos Records."

"But why?" Amadeus paused in the middle of eating his Salt and Vinegar potato chip.

"Blackmail," Renfield answered, "I intend to find out what's in the Vampiress Morgana's recording contract with Aulos Records."

"And why do you need to know that?" Amadeus bit his chip.

"My own personal curiosity," Renfield shrugged.


Amadeus remembered the expression Curiosity killed the cat.

"Is it really necessary to kidnap Mr. Campbell's cat?" Amadeus asked.

"Yes," Renfield nodded.

"But it's such a nasty thing to do," Amadeus explained.

"Nasty? What's that?" the morally challenged Renfield shook his head, "I shall do it anyways."

"But this week seems like such an inauspicious week to do it," Amadeus opened his can of Lemonade Shandy Ginger Beer, "after all this week marks the 98th anniversary of when the Titanic struck the ice berg."

"It's hardly likely that I'll be hit by a bunch of ice in the middle of downtown London," Renfield proceeded to cross the street.

At that moment a refrigeration truck spun out of control, hit a light post, fell over on its side and opened up its refrigerators burying Renfield under a pile of ice.


* * *


A Paris nightclub on the evening of Monday, April 12th 2010.

Attired in a pink leather mini dress, the brunette Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva entered the ladies' washroom.

The Vampiress Svetlana was an agent for the Russian FSB (the successor of the old Soviet KGB).

Unbeknownst to her, the blonde Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak followed. She was wearing a red leather mini dress.

The Vampiress Inna was an agent for the Ukrainian Secret Intelligence Service.

Svetlana was about to apply her lipstick when she noticed Inna behind her but it was too late.

Inna had Svetlana pinned against the wall.

"I want to know," Inna said, "was that plane crash near Smolensk that killed the Polish President and other Polish leaders- was that deliberately planned?".

"It was an accident as far as I know," Svetlana gasped, "but why should it concern Ukraine?".

"Because," Inna explained, "it might be a case of Today Poland, Tomorrow Ukraine as far as nefarious FSB activities go."

Svetlana tried to smile a humourous smile, "Well it can't be a case of Today Poland because the plane crash happened this past weekend."

"Enough of your sick sense of humour," Inna slapped Svetlana's face.

Soon a huge cat fight erupted between the two.

Hair pulling.

Torn pantyhose.

And using the spiked high-heeled stilettos of their shoes as respective weapons.


* * *

Dracul Van Helsing went over to the top of the sword sticking out of the moss covered rock.

He grabbed it and easily pulled it out.

"Looks to be combination of ancient Celtic markings and Latin inscriptions on it," Dracul said, "I'll have to show this to my Uncle Fred. He's a retired Oxford History don."

Dracul walked along the path carrying the sword.

An old Cornwall pedler riding a bicycle and dragging a cartload of his wares behind him looked down on Dracul from the top of the hill.

The pedler was one of the few in the area who knew of the existence of that sword in the moss covered rock.

Astonished, the pedler said to himself, "That man has to be a descendent of Arthur, King of the Britons."


To be continued.

News Of A Tragic Plane Crash For Poland

Dracul Van Helsing lay in bed with huge bite marks on his neck.

The Vampiress Morgana was debating whether she should fly back out the window.

She suddenly realized she had left her lipstick on the drawer near Dracul's side of the bed.

She reached over to pick it up.

As she did so, her hand brushed against the TV remote.

BBC News came on talking about the tragic plane crash that had killed Poland's President Lech Kaczynski, his wife Maria and the leaders of all four branches of Poland's military forces as well as the security forces.

Dracul woke up and listened.

Morgana was puzzled by the peculiar far-off distant expression on his face.

"What are you thinking?" she asked in a voice sounding more genuine and authentic than the latest spliced voice-over of the latest Tiger Woods TV commercial.

"The assassination of an Austrian Arch Duke on a warm day in early summer in the small city of Sarajevo in 1914 led to World War I within the space of little over a month," Dracul replied, "I don't know but I can't help thinking that this tragedy for Poland will soon turn into a tragedy for the entire world as well. Not only has Poland's President died but all the country's top military leadership as well. I can't help but think this is going to have tragic and devastating consequences for Europe and the entire world."

Morgana looked at Dracul.

This vampiress who was used to worshipping the cruel gods of an ancient Celtic religion suddenly felt afraid.

And in that fear, she was becoming a tad close to feeling truly human again.

To be continued.

Wind And Rain and Morgana

The wind was blowing strong and hard on this rocky piece of Cornwall coast.

Dracul Van Helsing was staying in a Bed and Breakfast in a very old great house made entirely of stone and rock.

He was down here sightseeing.

It was wild and rugged country.

Sometimes one needed time out in the wilderness for a while.

As he returned from walking through great rocky clefts overlooking the ocean and barren moors where cut throat smugglers carried their goods two centuries before, it was night fall.

He answered a few emails on his Mac laptop and then went to sleep.

Around midnight, the curtains and windows of his room blew open.

Dracul felt too tired to go and close them.

Besides the down blankets on his bed were warm and he always enjoyed listening to the sound of the waves of the ocean.

Even as a child, he had found those sounds soothing.

Suddenly he noticed a beautiful woman standing there in a white night gown looking at him.

Dracul could have sworn that she had flown in through the window.

"Hello," he addressed her.

"Hello," she answered back in a soft gentle Welsh accent.

The Vampiress Morgana was soon on top of him.

Biting his neck.

But she wouldn't kill him.

Not just yet.

To be continued.

Osiris' Hope of Return

Through a very powerful black magic spell, the ancient Egyptian vampire Set was able to send his brother Osiris to an earth-like planet near the star Sirius.

There were moments in space and time when the curviture of the universe was such that it was possible to bring Osiris back to Earth.

His wife and sister the vampiress Isis (who was also the sister of Set) had tried on those occasions to do that but failed.

However Set's black magic spell would run out in 2012 and various people- especially high-ranking Freemasons were aware of this.

The Worshipful Master of George Washington's own Masonic lodge had predicted the return of Osiris in 2012 and other Masonic historians such as Manly P. Hall and Albert Mackey echoed similar predictions.

The fact that the Mayans and the Aztecs did not put a date beyond the Mayan-Aztec equivalent of the Gregorian calendar date December 21st 2012 on their respective calendars had sent high-ranking Freemasons into a tizzy.

Some of this anticipation about the year 2012 in the Supreme Council of the 33rd Degree in Washington D.C. (and other secretive unknown degrees and their chapters that went above 33) had spilled out into the public consciousness.

Some New Agers thought the Aztec serpent god Quetzalcoatl would return in 2012 (a belief highly encouraged by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec who was the modern day High Priestess of Quetzalcoatl).

Still others thought the year 2012 would be the end of the world as we know it.

Hollywood had made a popular film on the subject.

Old and aged hippies who had tripped out on LSD back in the 1960s and still vaguely remembered the highly forgettable lyrics from the 1960s rock musical Hair thought that 2012 would mark the passing of the Age of Pisces and the dawning of the Age of Aquarius.

But for the upper echelons of Ancient and Accepted Scottish Rite Freemasonry, the return of Osiris was a dead serious business.

And in a secret mirror in a hidden room of the Supreme Council of the 33rd Degree in Washington D.C. through powerful magic, the elite were able to communicate with Osiris on his planet.

On this particular day in late January 2010, the elite had assembled to hear Osiris' instructions.

"Other than my brother Set," Osiris asked, "is there anyone else who might stand in my way for being accepted as the God of the New World Order come 2012?".

A high-ranking Mason who was also a high-ranking Vatican cardinal spoke, "I'm afraid Joseph Ratzinger aka Benedict XVI would still insist on worshipping Christ as God and that silly trinity of Father, Son and Holy Spirit as God."

"Then he must be put out of the way," Osiris stated bluntly.

"Assasination perhaps?" the Cardinal asked.

"Assasination is too much my brother Set's way of doing things," Osiris spoke, "couldn't you get him to resign?".

"How?" the cardinal asked.

"Use your imagination," Osiris retorted angrily, "what about the sexual abuse scandals? Couldn't you accuse him of being involved in the cover-up himself?".

"But there is no hard evidence that Ratzinger was involved in such a cover-up," the Cardinal explained.

"We could make stuff up," the editors of the New York Times and the German newspaper Der Spiegel spoke up enthusiastically.


"That's exactly what I like to hear," Osiris smiled, "do it."

"Hail Osiris," the elite thrust their right arms out in a Heil Hitler like salute towards the ancient Egyptian vampire that the ancient Egyptians and the modern high-ranking Masons considered a deity.


* * *

At Benedict XVI's Easter Wednesday Angelus greeting to the crowd, a high-ranking Mason and Cardinal looked up at the aged pontiff, "Soon you will be gone and we'll have an Osiris worshipper in your place."


To be continued.

After The Concert

Svend decided to cut through several cemeteries (just for the fun of it!) on his way back home from the Vampiress Morgana concert in St. James' Park.

"Pretty clever marketing tool," Svend thought, "for them to pass off that new heavy metal singer as a real live vampiress."

Svend chuckled.

He didn't believe in vampires or vampiresses.

He didn't believe in anything supernatural.

Especially God.

Svend being the ardent admirer of militant atheist Richard Dawkins that he was- laughed at people who believed in God.

He thought they were childish and imbeciles.

Svend had spent Easter Sunday sending text messages and emails to his Christian acquaintances saying, "Happy Zombie Jesus Day!" and then rolling over with laughter once he had sent the message.

For really, what was the difference between tales of zombies and the New Testament accounts of Jesus?

Zombies rose from the dead.

Jesus rose from the dead.

So what's the difference?

A Christian girl he liked but didn't want to date for fear it would embarass him in front of his skeptical atheistic and truly intellectual friends had tried to explain it to him after she had received a Happy Zombie Jesus Day message from him this past Easter Sunday.

"Don't you see," Belle said, "zombies don't have souls. Zombies are soulless corpses animated by demons to give them movement. The Resurrected Jesus is no longer dead. He's not Undead or Living Dead. He's alive pure and simple. And He has a soul. Jesus is God. God the Son- the Second Person of the Holy Trinity- united to a human body and human soul - and existing in one person- known to us as Jesus of Nazareth. Ever since His Incarnation, He is both True God and True Man. And He loves. He loves us. Zombies are incapable of love- having no souls."

"Neither zombies nor Jesus have souls," Svend laughed, "since there's no such thing as a soul."

"If I had a choice who I'd like to meet on a dark night," Belle said, "Jesus or zombies, I'd know which one I'd choose. Jesus who loved and healed people. Not zombies who are just corpses devoid of souls and corpses animated by demons at that.."

"There is no Jesus or zombies or souls or demons," Svend laughed and pressed the off button on his cell phone.

As Svend walked through the cemetery after the Morgana concert, he came upon a Crucifix.

The figure of Jesus on the Crucifix seemed to radiate kindness and love.


As he gazed on the figure, an inner voice seemed to be speaking to him, "Svend, walk with Me. Allow Me to walk with you, Svend. I want to help you. I want to be your Strength and Protection."

"Sheesh," Svend shook his head, "You don't exist. You're just a figment of that nutcase Paul's imagination. He took the dying/resurrecting god tales of Egyptian mythology- stories of Osiris and Horus- and merged them with a well-known but very dead Jewish preacher of his day. You don't exist. There is no God. No afterlife. No heaven. No zombies who are just boogey men in the dark."

Svend continued to walk through the cemetery.

Oblivious to the fact that he was now in a very old part of the cemetery.

One for hung and executed murderers and criminals.

Oblivious also to the fact that South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo had been through here recently collecting more specimens for North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il's proposed million man army of zombies which he would release someday on the Western world as well as Japan and South Korea.

The zombies wandered aimlessly since their controller Sterling Makabo was having a Big Mac attack and had rushed away to a nearby McDonald's to buy himself and eat a Big Mac.

The soulless demon possessed zombies were starting to feel hungry themselves.

When they saw Svend coming towards them, they advanced.

"What the fuck?-" were Svend's last words.

Svend was eaten by the zombies.

Svend chose not to come face-to-face with Jesus.

Instead he came face-to-face with zombies.

Whether or not he made the right choice was of no consequence to the picture of Richard Dawkins on the back cover of the book in his pocket now being ripped apart by zombie fingers.

Nor whether he made the right choice seemed to pose any moral or ethical dilemma for the soulless zombies who were currently eating his flesh and limbs.

To be continued.

The Vampiress Morgana's Concert

"Oh shit!" Renfield had encountered something that really really really bugged him.

He had received a mass message (delivered to him and hundreds of others) in his Universal Inbox at a blogging site he belonged to- to go and read a pulse (the site's equivalent of a Twitter tweet) on how slow and boring the blogging site had become.


* * *

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell finished his sandwich and looked over at the person who had just blown five bullets from his gun into the computer screen at the Internet Cafe where Mr. Dionysus Campbell was eating.

"That looks like that nasty Renfield," Heathcliff purred to his pussy Oysterella, "we better leave before he sees us."

* * *

Heathcliff took the limousine over to St. James' Park where the Vampiress Morgana was performing her first heavy metal concert.

Morgana was dressed in a tight fitting black mini dress, black silk fishnet nylon stockings and diamond studded leather dominatrix boots.

"It's a good thing I'm gay," Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell whispered to Oysterella, "otherwise I'd probably be having a tremendous erection right now."


* * *



The Vampiress Morgana sang the following song,

Oh Dracul can you hear it?
The Phantom of the Opera is inside your mind!
Why do you feel like the Phantom all the time?
Where is your Christine to ease your mind?

You need your Muse
or you'll blow a fuse
because the Phantom of the Opera is there
inside your mind.
You are that Phantom much of the time
beyond reason, beyond rhyme
you cannot abide the world's filthy slime.

You stand tall
at the ball
but behind the masks you cannot see
so then abide with me
in the dark
feel that spark
grab my hand
join the band
a nocturnal feast
with the Beast.

Come Dracul
be not a fool
join with me
you will see
the power I have
why not grab
and be One with me
you will see.

* * *

Dracul Van Helsing stood at the window of his London hotel room and peered through his binoculars at the vision of the Vampiress Morgana in her tight fitting black mini dress, black silk fishnet nylon stockings and diamond studded leather dominatrix boots.

The maid behind him said, "What's that tall tower that appears to be rising in the window there? I don't recall seeing that in the landscape before."

"I'm not gay," was Dracul's reply.

And explanation.

To be continued.

The Genesis of Renfield

The multi-millionaire (and formerly billionaire) ancient Egyptian vampire Set looked at the claim for time and a half sent to him by his faithful employee Renfield R. Renfield.

Renfield was claiming it for working on Good Friday yesterday.

Set was going through hard economic times. He was no longer a billionaire.

Only a mere multi-millionaire.

He was hoping to rectify this by marrying the Vampiress Martini- the heiress to the Romanov billions.

But so far she hadn't reciprocated his amourous advances.

And here Renfield was claiming time and a half knowing the financial predicament that he Set was in.

Still Renfield was a good and loyal employee.

After all, Renfield had been created in one of Set Enterprises' genetics labs.

Governments all over the world were currently debating the bio-ethics of creating human animal hybrid embryos through cloning.

Well Set's labs had started doing that back in the late 1990s. He never sought the approval of governments or parliaments or congresses in moving ahead in science and technology.

Set's scientists could clone a human just by using the DNA from a single strand of hair.

Before Renfield was created, Set decided that the time had come for his scientists to create a shapeshifter- those strange creatures of mythology and folklore who were said to be able to change their shape from human to animal and back again.

Set was wondering what sort of animal shapeshifter he should create when he saw a TV commercial showing children playing with a pet hamster.

A hamster shapeshifter Set smiled.

Set had read about cannibalistic hamsters being genetically grown in one of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il's secret labs in Pyongyang, North Korea.

So Set had bought and flown over the best dish of fish n' chips in the United Kingdom to Kim Jong-il in exchange for one of Kim's home grown cannibalistic hamsters.


Despite the difficulty Kim had in eating fish n' chips with a chop stick (one of his aides who suggested that perhaps Kim should cut up the fish with a western imperialistic capitalistic knife and fork had been taken out and shot by firing squad), he mailed Set one of the genetically grown cannibalistic hamsters.

Despite the fact that various postal employees and letter carriers all over the world had lost their fingers in delivering the live package wrapped up in a large bulging envelope, the genetically created cannibalistic hamster arrived safe and sound to the Set Enterprises lab in London, England.

The hamster was then flown to a secret Set Enterprises lab in Colorado Springs, Colorado.

There DNA was extracted from the hamster and mixed with the DNA of Robespierre, Napoleon, Bismarck, Lenin, Stalin, Hitler and Pol Pot (Set had locks of hair from all these ruthless historical individuals).

And in 2002, Renfield was created.

Unfortunately Renfield while in hamster shape had escaped from the lab and was caught and caged by an eccentric female used book store employee named Natalie who lived in Manitou Springs, Colorado.

Despite the fact that Renfield had ate the other pet hamster that Natalie had kept in the cage in the Manitou Springs used book store, she kept the strange homicidal little rodent.

In 2006, Renfield was finally located by one of Set's cannibalistic hamster sniffing dogs.

Renfield was flown to London where he was taught to shapeshift between being human and hamster.

And Renfield now served as the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises.

To be continued.

Renfield Fires A Few Employees

Renfield the chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises had called a few people into his office to fire them.

The first employee entered the office.

"I can't believe you called me into work on a statutory holiday," the man said.

"Is today a statutory holiday?" Renfield looked at the man's work record.

"It's Good Friday," the man replied.

"Really?" Renfield didn't bother looking up, "what's so good about it? I didn't win the Football Lottery Pool this week."

"Why am I here?" the man asked.

"This isn't an introductory Philosophy course," Renfield answered, "you've had a lot of sick leave lately."

"I've been sick," the man replied.

"That's no excuse," Renfield said, "you're fired."

"Fired?" the man gulped.

"That's right," Renfield pushed the intercom, "next."

"I'm going to contact the Labour Relations Board," the man waved his finger at Renfield, "those hearings will cost you a lot of money."

"Cancel that next," Renfield spoke into the intercom and looked at the man, "you're going to contact the Labour Relations Board?".

"Yes," the man nodded.

Renfield pulled a gun out of his desk and shot the man dead.

He then pushed another button and the floor opened up under the man's chair dropping him 700 metres below.

The floor then re-appeared.

Renfield pushed another button and a mop came down out of the ceiling and wiped all the blood off the floor.

He then pushed another button and another chair came down out of the ceiling.

"Next," Renfield called into the intercom.

This scenario was then repeated 23 times today.


Renfield found something faulty with the employee's work record. The employee explained the reason. Renfield fired the employee. The employee then said they'd report the matter to the Labour Relations Board. Renfield shot and killed the employee. Renfield pushed button. Employee dropped 700 metres below. Floor re-appeared. Renfield pushed button. Mop came down out of the ceiling and wiped all the blood off the floor. Renfield pushed button. Another chair came down of the ceiling.

"Well, another hard day's work," Renfield grinned after the last fired employee had been shot and killed for the day, "so today is a statutory holiday eh? Better remind the boss to pay me time and a half for working today then."

Renfield picked up the phone, "Susie, I need you to buy more ammunition for my guns. I'll need them again next Monday morning. Thanks."

He put down the phone and then picked it up again and dialled another number, "Zeigfried, I'll need you to bring up a whole bunch of chairs from the basement and put them up on the floor above me. Thanks."

Renfield clicked the receiver and then dialled another number, "Hans, there's a delivery of 24 items to be made to the Fields Park College Medical School Dissection Lab. Tell them the bodies all have gunshot wounds on them but otherwise they're in excellent condition. And remember to get a receipt for the items. Shirley in Accounting needs to know how much to bill the school for at the end of this fiscal quarter. Thanks."

Renfield took a look at the day's newspaper headline, " 'Welsh Vampiress Morgana Lands Major Recording Contract With Aulos Music'. Hm. Wonder what that's about. I'll have to check into it."

Renfield then put on his suit and tie, "Egad! Gun powder burns all over them. I hate it when that happens."

To be continued.