Orson Welles and The Unusual Production of MacBeth
It was March 1945.
And talented director and actor of stage, radio and film the great Orson Welles was directing a short scene from William Shakespeare's MacBeth for an upcoming charity event.
Welles (in front of the stage): All right. Enter the three witches.
(Thunder and lightning. Enter three witches)
First Witch (lowering "her" cowl to reveal the face of Adolf Hitler- a fact which startles Orson Welles):
When shall we three meet again?
In thunder, lightning or in rain?
Second Witch (lowering her "cowl" to reveal the face of Josef Stalin- a fact which also startles Orson Welles):
When the hurlyburly's done,
When the battle's lost and won.
Third Witch (lowers its cowl to reveal a face wearing a mask. It speaks in a very metallic sounding voice):
That will be ere the set of sun.
(On the wall at the back of the stage are flashed images of a solar eclipse followed by a blood red moon)
First Witch (Hitler): Where the place?
Second Witch (Stalin): Upon the heath.
(A strange multicoloured spiral image is then projected on to the screen behind the stage. Orson Welles does not recognize the image on this day in March 1945 but later generations would have recognized the spiral as the double helix of DNA)
Third Witch (with mask and metallic sounding voice): There to meet with MacBeth.
(The image of a face is then projected on to the screen behind the stage)
Orson Welles (waking up in bed with a start): Great heavens!
Rita Hayworth (next to him): What is it?
Orson Welles: I just had the most terrifying dream.
Rita Hayworth: What was it?
Orson Welles (scratching his head): I can't remember... it's receding from my memory... but...
Rita Hayworth: But what?
Orson Welles: I have seen the future... and it's a nightmare.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 31st
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Monday, March 30, 2015
The Kobold Hannibalken: A Poem
The Kobold Hannibalken: A Poem
The kobold is a small pointy-eared goblin-like creature of short temper and mischievous spirit
A word of advice do not tick off a kobold if you come to hear of it
Kobolds are divided into categories three
so you'll know which type if one sits upon your knee
There are the domestic kobolds who help around the house
most work unseen and quiet as a mouse
The second type is the mining kobold
who mine for things such as ore and gold
The third type are the kobolds of the sea
who attach themselves to captains and their ships that be
The Kobold Hannibalken was a sea kobold but one prone to acute seasickness
which made sailing on a ship risky business
and when he developed an allergy to the anti-motion sickness tablet Gravol
he did not stop to ask for whom the bell did toll
he gave up the sailor's life at sea
and in an English cottage came to be
He sat and smoked his pipe by the hearth
where no waves tossed causing him to barf
He decided to become a detective like Sherlock Holmes
and wear a deerstalker cap over his head phones
He was asked to solve many a mystery
which he did pocketing a small fee
One day he was out wandering in the village
when he met a Viking out to rape and pillage
Why, said Hannibalken, you're a man out of time
and Viking replied, And you're a goblin creature so sublime.
Hannibalken lit his pipe and thought,
Vikings from the past, what evil has been wrought!
CERN has brought you here,
you Norse pain in the rear!
Cambridge's Stephen Hawking is right
playing with dark matter is a fright
one shouldn't mess with particles
like they're New York Times articles
and to play with the intricacies of space and time
one ends up with a lemon instead of a lime.
So the kobold pulled out a taser
and like a Darth Vader laser
he zapped the ancient Norseman
and undid the Apocalyptic horseman
and sent the Viking out to sea
and freed the village from barbarity.
-A poem written by Christopher
Monday March 30th 2015.
Sent from my iPhone
The kobold is a small pointy-eared goblin-like creature of short temper and mischievous spirit
A word of advice do not tick off a kobold if you come to hear of it
Kobolds are divided into categories three
so you'll know which type if one sits upon your knee
There are the domestic kobolds who help around the house
most work unseen and quiet as a mouse
The second type is the mining kobold
who mine for things such as ore and gold
The third type are the kobolds of the sea
who attach themselves to captains and their ships that be
The Kobold Hannibalken was a sea kobold but one prone to acute seasickness
which made sailing on a ship risky business
and when he developed an allergy to the anti-motion sickness tablet Gravol
he did not stop to ask for whom the bell did toll
he gave up the sailor's life at sea
and in an English cottage came to be
He sat and smoked his pipe by the hearth
where no waves tossed causing him to barf
He decided to become a detective like Sherlock Holmes
and wear a deerstalker cap over his head phones
He was asked to solve many a mystery
which he did pocketing a small fee
One day he was out wandering in the village
when he met a Viking out to rape and pillage
Why, said Hannibalken, you're a man out of time
and Viking replied, And you're a goblin creature so sublime.
Hannibalken lit his pipe and thought,
Vikings from the past, what evil has been wrought!
CERN has brought you here,
you Norse pain in the rear!
Cambridge's Stephen Hawking is right
playing with dark matter is a fright
one shouldn't mess with particles
like they're New York Times articles
and to play with the intricacies of space and time
one ends up with a lemon instead of a lime.
So the kobold pulled out a taser
and like a Darth Vader laser
he zapped the ancient Norseman
and undid the Apocalyptic horseman
and sent the Viking out to sea
and freed the village from barbarity.
-A poem written by Christopher
Monday March 30th 2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, March 27, 2015
Pan Goatee Promotes Urban Beautification
Pan Goatee Promotes Urban Beautification
"A thing of ugliness is a blemish on the human race forever," Pan Goatee paraphrased John Keats as he cut off the head of the ugly looking woman he encountered on the street.
As Pan Goatee put back his bloodied machete into its extra large holster, he reflected he should really start billing the city council of this city double overtime for all the extra work he was doing promoting urban beautification.
Never had he seen so many ugly women he reflected.
Who let the dogs out? as the lyrics of that old song asked.
Pan Goatee blamed that interfering busybody Oprah Winfrey for this growing problem now facing North America.
If she hadn't spent so many years trying to drill high-self esteem into these repulsively ugly looking creatures who, judging from their appearance, have a lot to have loads of low self-esteem about, they wouldn't be out wandering the streets of the city.
Local authorities should really start making replica copies of that bronze mask of his ancient namesake Pan they had just found in Israel and start passing them out by the hundreds of thousands to the city's facially aesthetically challenged residents and require them by law to wear them when they go out in public.
Promoting urban beautification was Pan Goatee's own personal mission in life.
He was actually in this western Canadian city on the Pacific Ocean on a mission for the U.S. government for whom he worked as a hired assassin.
Apparently the owner of a local medical marijuana grow-op was considered a threat to the corporate interests of burgeoning medical marijuana grow-ops in the U.S. where such operations were now the rage among various state governments who were tripping over one another to legalize this new booming source of extra tax revenue.
And so when the interests of the Almighty U.S. Dollar were threatened, Uncle Sam listened.
And so genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was sent to dispatch a Canadian pot grower to Hades so that American pot growers might prosper and the American public would continue to be drugged and well medicated.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 27th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
"A thing of ugliness is a blemish on the human race forever," Pan Goatee paraphrased John Keats as he cut off the head of the ugly looking woman he encountered on the street.
As Pan Goatee put back his bloodied machete into its extra large holster, he reflected he should really start billing the city council of this city double overtime for all the extra work he was doing promoting urban beautification.
Never had he seen so many ugly women he reflected.
Who let the dogs out? as the lyrics of that old song asked.
Pan Goatee blamed that interfering busybody Oprah Winfrey for this growing problem now facing North America.
If she hadn't spent so many years trying to drill high-self esteem into these repulsively ugly looking creatures who, judging from their appearance, have a lot to have loads of low self-esteem about, they wouldn't be out wandering the streets of the city.
Local authorities should really start making replica copies of that bronze mask of his ancient namesake Pan they had just found in Israel and start passing them out by the hundreds of thousands to the city's facially aesthetically challenged residents and require them by law to wear them when they go out in public.
Promoting urban beautification was Pan Goatee's own personal mission in life.
He was actually in this western Canadian city on the Pacific Ocean on a mission for the U.S. government for whom he worked as a hired assassin.
Apparently the owner of a local medical marijuana grow-op was considered a threat to the corporate interests of burgeoning medical marijuana grow-ops in the U.S. where such operations were now the rage among various state governments who were tripping over one another to legalize this new booming source of extra tax revenue.
And so when the interests of the Almighty U.S. Dollar were threatened, Uncle Sam listened.
And so genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was sent to dispatch a Canadian pot grower to Hades so that American pot growers might prosper and the American public would continue to be drugged and well medicated.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 27th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
The Bronze Mask of Pan: A Poem
The Bronze Mask of Pan: A Poem
And so it came to pass that in the year 2015
a University of Haifa archaeological team
did uncover ancient bronze mask
of the ancient god Pan
outside the ancient Galilean city of Hippos-Sussita was it found
this rare relic unearthed from the ground
Larger than a human head
this mask of faun god long dead
From whence it came?
What's it for?
So much mystery
at history's door.
Most masks of this time made of terracotta or stone
making this bronze mask stand alone
most were theatre masks or miniature masks
so this large mask now in glory basks
A bronze mask of Pan...
... from whence it came?
... and what or who was it for?
And so in ancient times the Greek god Pan did wander
on earth below skies where Zeus did thunder
He came upon a neat little town
his throat parched and his lips brown
he would find somewhere to drink
and have his satyr fancy tickled pink
He put on his mask for a disguise
so he wouldn't be seen by human eyes
The mask was made to look like him
this half-man half-goat not so proper and prim
That way no one would think it he
under bronze crafted so elegantly
In town there was a wedding
at a place with softer bedding
He posed as a wedding guest
though he knew neither bride nor groom
he would have to confess
He did ask for wine
so they gave him a cup
and that was fine
He went outside to drink the wine
and never had he tasted so fine
when he raised his mask to drink
his taste buds tickled pink
Oh such sweet Heaven!
Never did even ambrosia taste like this
surpassing that Olympian drink in heavenly bliss
O nectar divine!
O wine so fine!
Great god Pan lifted his cup to the sky
and then died without even a sigh.
For it was not for seemingly immortal gods was this wine given
but for mortal man so that life was worth livin'
Pan's body was found by the bride's father
He realized this would be such a bother
for he recognized the god and knew
he would have to think this through
who would believe his tale when told
he picked up the mask so old
And especially thought the bride's father
that this god died drinking wine made from water.
And so it was that this day at Cana of Galilee
saw the death of an ancient deity.
-A poem written by Christopher
Wednesday March 25th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
And so it came to pass that in the year 2015
a University of Haifa archaeological team
did uncover ancient bronze mask
of the ancient god Pan
outside the ancient Galilean city of Hippos-Sussita was it found
this rare relic unearthed from the ground
Larger than a human head
this mask of faun god long dead
From whence it came?
What's it for?
So much mystery
at history's door.
Most masks of this time made of terracotta or stone
making this bronze mask stand alone
most were theatre masks or miniature masks
so this large mask now in glory basks
A bronze mask of Pan...
... from whence it came?
... and what or who was it for?
And so in ancient times the Greek god Pan did wander
on earth below skies where Zeus did thunder
He came upon a neat little town
his throat parched and his lips brown
he would find somewhere to drink
and have his satyr fancy tickled pink
He put on his mask for a disguise
so he wouldn't be seen by human eyes
The mask was made to look like him
this half-man half-goat not so proper and prim
That way no one would think it he
under bronze crafted so elegantly
In town there was a wedding
at a place with softer bedding
He posed as a wedding guest
though he knew neither bride nor groom
he would have to confess
He did ask for wine
so they gave him a cup
and that was fine
He went outside to drink the wine
and never had he tasted so fine
when he raised his mask to drink
his taste buds tickled pink
Oh such sweet Heaven!
Never did even ambrosia taste like this
surpassing that Olympian drink in heavenly bliss
O nectar divine!
O wine so fine!
Great god Pan lifted his cup to the sky
and then died without even a sigh.
For it was not for seemingly immortal gods was this wine given
but for mortal man so that life was worth livin'
Pan's body was found by the bride's father
He realized this would be such a bother
for he recognized the god and knew
he would have to think this through
who would believe his tale when told
he picked up the mask so old
And especially thought the bride's father
that this god died drinking wine made from water.
And so it was that this day at Cana of Galilee
saw the death of an ancient deity.
-A poem written by Christopher
Wednesday March 25th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, March 23, 2015
Renfield TV Ad
Renfield TV Ad
This was the TV ad that Renfield did as a shapeshifting hamster for KIA Motors.
Announcer: What sort of car does successful hamster defense attorney Hairy Masonite drive?
Renfield as Hairy Masonite (doing his best Raymond Burr impersonation): Why a 2015 Kia Cadenza of course.
Announcer: And driving to work in the driver's seat of a new Kia Cadenza helps keep Hairy Masonite in the driver's seat of the courtroom.
Renfield as Hairy Masonite: So you see your Honour the District Attorney Mr. Hamsterton Groundbeef's claim that my client put the cheese in the mousetrap that killed his cheeseaholic Aunt Elsie is clearly false.
If Mr. Hamsterton Groundbeef had bothered to check the facts, he would have discovered that my client has a severe allergy to dairy products and putting the cheese in that trap would have sent my client into a severe allergic reaction from which he might never have recovered.
Announcer: Once again proud Kia Cadenza owner Hairy Masonite saves the day and another innocent hamster goes free spared the gallows and District Attorney Hamsterton Groundbeef's ineptitude.
Renfield as Hairy Masonite (standing on the steps of the courthouse and waving to his client): And in the words of the immortal Leonard Nimoy in his greatest role as Mr. Spock, "Live long and prosper." (uses one of his hamster front paws to give the Vulcan salute for the Vulcan proverb Live long and prosper)
His client (waving on sidewalk): Thanks Mr. Masonite.
(turns and crosses the street and is immediately hit by a bus)
Announcer: The new 2015 Kia Cadenza.
Because sometimes it's just safer to drive across the street...
Sent from my iPhone
This was the TV ad that Renfield did as a shapeshifting hamster for KIA Motors.
Announcer: What sort of car does successful hamster defense attorney Hairy Masonite drive?
Renfield as Hairy Masonite (doing his best Raymond Burr impersonation): Why a 2015 Kia Cadenza of course.
Announcer: And driving to work in the driver's seat of a new Kia Cadenza helps keep Hairy Masonite in the driver's seat of the courtroom.
Renfield as Hairy Masonite: So you see your Honour the District Attorney Mr. Hamsterton Groundbeef's claim that my client put the cheese in the mousetrap that killed his cheeseaholic Aunt Elsie is clearly false.
If Mr. Hamsterton Groundbeef had bothered to check the facts, he would have discovered that my client has a severe allergy to dairy products and putting the cheese in that trap would have sent my client into a severe allergic reaction from which he might never have recovered.
Announcer: Once again proud Kia Cadenza owner Hairy Masonite saves the day and another innocent hamster goes free spared the gallows and District Attorney Hamsterton Groundbeef's ineptitude.
Renfield as Hairy Masonite (standing on the steps of the courthouse and waving to his client): And in the words of the immortal Leonard Nimoy in his greatest role as Mr. Spock, "Live long and prosper." (uses one of his hamster front paws to give the Vulcan salute for the Vulcan proverb Live long and prosper)
His client (waving on sidewalk): Thanks Mr. Masonite.
(turns and crosses the street and is immediately hit by a bus)
Announcer: The new 2015 Kia Cadenza.
Because sometimes it's just safer to drive across the street...
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, March 21, 2015
Renfield Wants To Do A TV Ad
Renfield Wants To Do A TV Ad
Renfield R. Renfield was sporting a huge bruise as a result of being hit over the head by a spiked stiletto high-heeled shoe wielded by the Egyptian Vampiress Isis this pastThursday night.
It was a good thing he had been wearing a wig that made him look like Bruce Jenner on a bad hair day or otherwise the bruise might have been even worse.
"I wonder why Jaguar never asked me to do a TV commercial advertising their cars like they did Dr. Cadbury Rocher," Renfield mused aloud as he held a beef steak over his head.
"Don't know," Amadeus Emanon shrugged as he watched the frozen beef steak melting on Renfield's forehead.
"I think I'd be excellent at doing commercials," sighed Renfield.
"Well you have the ability to shapeshift into a hamster, why don't you apply to do a TV ad for KIA motors since they have hamsters in their TV commercials?" Amadeus suggested.
"That's an excellent idea," Renfield went over to his computer to google the nearest KIA motors dealership.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 21st
2015.
Renfield R. Renfield was sporting a huge bruise as a result of being hit over the head by a spiked stiletto high-heeled shoe wielded by the Egyptian Vampiress Isis this pastThursday night.
It was a good thing he had been wearing a wig that made him look like Bruce Jenner on a bad hair day or otherwise the bruise might have been even worse.
"I wonder why Jaguar never asked me to do a TV commercial advertising their cars like they did Dr. Cadbury Rocher," Renfield mused aloud as he held a beef steak over his head.
"Don't know," Amadeus Emanon shrugged as he watched the frozen beef steak melting on Renfield's forehead.
"I think I'd be excellent at doing commercials," sighed Renfield.
"Well you have the ability to shapeshift into a hamster, why don't you apply to do a TV ad for KIA motors since they have hamsters in their TV commercials?" Amadeus suggested.
"That's an excellent idea," Renfield went over to his computer to google the nearest KIA motors dealership.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 21st
2015.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Isis Stabs Sir Elton John In The Back
Isis Stabs Sir Elton John In The Back
The Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis was having dinner with a British cabinet minister in an exclusive London restaurant.
They were discussing the upcoming British general election, the state of Anglo-French relations, the emerging German domination of the European Union and the possibility of an Entente forming between Greece and Russia.
Spying on them and eavesdropping at the next table was Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Isis' arch-enemy the London-based ancient Egyptian Vampire Set.
To escape the Vampiress Isis' recognition and detection, Renfield had disguised himself by dressing up to look like Bruce Jenner if he/she was having a bad hair day.
"Didn't the noted sanity challenged scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher work for you for a while?" The British cabinet minister asked Isis.
"He did," Isis admitted, "but that nasty swine of a shapeshifting hamster/ human Renfield snatched him back to work for the Vampire Set again."
Renfield quickly sprayed some more Febreze air freshener on his wig as a make-shift hairspray.
"Plus I see Dr. Cadbury Rocher is now doing TV commercials for Jaguar automobiles," Isis put some red lipstick on her already blood red lips.
"He is?" The British cabinet minister seemed surprised.
"Yes," Isis applied some more jet black mascara to her already jet black eyelashes, "the one where he takes a cylinder shaped glass elevator down to his secret laboratory brimming with automobiles and announces to the world "The devil is in the details" and then says "Oh yes, there's method to my madness" as he drives away in either a red or a white Jaguar depending on which ad is being shown."
"Now, that you mentioned it, I guess I have seen that commercial," the cabinet minister sipped his Brandy.
Renfield silently seethed at the next table and wondered why he had never been asked to do a TV ad for Jaguar as he ragingly spilled hot chocolate over his formerly white blouse.
"That's a lovely gown you're wearing," the cabinet minister admired Isis' scarlet red evening dress.
"Thanks," Isis smiled, "It's a Dolce Gabbana."
"That's a Dolce Gabbana?" The minister put on his spectacles to get a better look down the front of her dress.
"Yes, Dolce Gabbana," Isis nodded.
"Well, you're certainly going to lose the admiration of Sir Elton John and his synthetic children over that," Renfield piped up from the next table.
To be continued.
- A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 19th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
The Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis was having dinner with a British cabinet minister in an exclusive London restaurant.
They were discussing the upcoming British general election, the state of Anglo-French relations, the emerging German domination of the European Union and the possibility of an Entente forming between Greece and Russia.
Spying on them and eavesdropping at the next table was Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Isis' arch-enemy the London-based ancient Egyptian Vampire Set.
To escape the Vampiress Isis' recognition and detection, Renfield had disguised himself by dressing up to look like Bruce Jenner if he/she was having a bad hair day.
"Didn't the noted sanity challenged scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher work for you for a while?" The British cabinet minister asked Isis.
"He did," Isis admitted, "but that nasty swine of a shapeshifting hamster/ human Renfield snatched him back to work for the Vampire Set again."
Renfield quickly sprayed some more Febreze air freshener on his wig as a make-shift hairspray.
"Plus I see Dr. Cadbury Rocher is now doing TV commercials for Jaguar automobiles," Isis put some red lipstick on her already blood red lips.
"He is?" The British cabinet minister seemed surprised.
"Yes," Isis applied some more jet black mascara to her already jet black eyelashes, "the one where he takes a cylinder shaped glass elevator down to his secret laboratory brimming with automobiles and announces to the world "The devil is in the details" and then says "Oh yes, there's method to my madness" as he drives away in either a red or a white Jaguar depending on which ad is being shown."
"Now, that you mentioned it, I guess I have seen that commercial," the cabinet minister sipped his Brandy.
Renfield silently seethed at the next table and wondered why he had never been asked to do a TV ad for Jaguar as he ragingly spilled hot chocolate over his formerly white blouse.
"That's a lovely gown you're wearing," the cabinet minister admired Isis' scarlet red evening dress.
"Thanks," Isis smiled, "It's a Dolce Gabbana."
"That's a Dolce Gabbana?" The minister put on his spectacles to get a better look down the front of her dress.
"Yes, Dolce Gabbana," Isis nodded.
"Well, you're certainly going to lose the admiration of Sir Elton John and his synthetic children over that," Renfield piped up from the next table.
To be continued.
- A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 19th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Sangita In Jerusalem
Sangita In Jerusalem
Sangita Patel Douglas was in her Jerusalem home cooking dinner.
She was the wife of William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas the deputy consul at the British consulate in West Jerusalem.
Her husband had been the Scottish Nationalist Party MSP (Member of the Scottish Parliament) for the Eildon Hills.
But after the pro-independence side had lost last year's September 18th referendum on Scottish independence, British Prime Minister David Cameron had named her husband the British Deputy Consul in West Jerusalem to show there were no hard feelings.
It had been a chaotic time in the city the past few weeks with the Israeli national general election happening.
Much to the surprise of most pollsters and media pundits, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu had won the election.
She had heard from her husband that the U.S. Embassy in Tel Aviv had decided not to lower the embassy flag as a sign of mourning despite a directive from the White House that they do so.
She prepared the corned beef sandwiches and put them on the dinner table.
Her husband William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas and the family bagpiper Pan Deux (who was the spitting image of a fabled hired assassin for the U.S. government Pan Goatee since they were both genetically created by noted British mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher- the difference being Pan Goatee was psycho and Pan Deux was not) joined her.
"So," Sangita asked her husband, "why do you think Bibi won again?".
"The Israeli people probably decided that Israel has too many enemies at the moment and they probably felt only Bibi could stand up to them," her husband replied.
"And what have you been doing, Pan Deux?" Sangita asked the tartan kilt wearing furry goat-legged family bagpiper.
"I'm trying to compose a Scottish ballad about how a total solar eclipse at the North Pole on the first day of spring occurs only once every 100,000 years," Pan Deux replied as he dipped his corn-beef sandwich into his porridge.
"It must be difficult finding the words for that," Sangita passed him the brown sugar for his porridge.
"It is," Pan Deux put the brown sugar on his porridge and then added some of Sangita's delicious curry sauce, "I wonder how Robbie Burns would describe it."
"He'd probably write, 'Tis not a brae bricht moonlicht nicht tonicht', " her husband said which was the old Scottish way of saying "It's not a bright moon lit night tonight."
Outside the house, a bunny rabbit chased a frog out of the garden.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 18th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Sangita Patel Douglas was in her Jerusalem home cooking dinner.
She was the wife of William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas the deputy consul at the British consulate in West Jerusalem.
Her husband had been the Scottish Nationalist Party MSP (Member of the Scottish Parliament) for the Eildon Hills.
But after the pro-independence side had lost last year's September 18th referendum on Scottish independence, British Prime Minister David Cameron had named her husband the British Deputy Consul in West Jerusalem to show there were no hard feelings.
It had been a chaotic time in the city the past few weeks with the Israeli national general election happening.
Much to the surprise of most pollsters and media pundits, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu had won the election.
She had heard from her husband that the U.S. Embassy in Tel Aviv had decided not to lower the embassy flag as a sign of mourning despite a directive from the White House that they do so.
She prepared the corned beef sandwiches and put them on the dinner table.
Her husband William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas and the family bagpiper Pan Deux (who was the spitting image of a fabled hired assassin for the U.S. government Pan Goatee since they were both genetically created by noted British mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher- the difference being Pan Goatee was psycho and Pan Deux was not) joined her.
"So," Sangita asked her husband, "why do you think Bibi won again?".
"The Israeli people probably decided that Israel has too many enemies at the moment and they probably felt only Bibi could stand up to them," her husband replied.
"And what have you been doing, Pan Deux?" Sangita asked the tartan kilt wearing furry goat-legged family bagpiper.
"I'm trying to compose a Scottish ballad about how a total solar eclipse at the North Pole on the first day of spring occurs only once every 100,000 years," Pan Deux replied as he dipped his corn-beef sandwich into his porridge.
"It must be difficult finding the words for that," Sangita passed him the brown sugar for his porridge.
"It is," Pan Deux put the brown sugar on his porridge and then added some of Sangita's delicious curry sauce, "I wonder how Robbie Burns would describe it."
"He'd probably write, 'Tis not a brae bricht moonlicht nicht tonicht', " her husband said which was the old Scottish way of saying "It's not a bright moon lit night tonight."
Outside the house, a bunny rabbit chased a frog out of the garden.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 18th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, March 16, 2015
March Madness- Much More Than Just Basketball
March Madness- Much More Than Just Basketball
MI-6 Agent Diablos Nocturna (that was his code name) was having a meeting with Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol.
On the TV screen in the meeting room were video images of Russian President Vladimir Putin working out in a gym in Saint Petersburg Russia.
The Russian President held up a sign that said Rumours of My Death Are Greatly Exaggerated.
Behind him, one of his aides held up a sign that said Rumours of His Having To Make New Paternity Payments Are Also Greatly Exaggerated.
But Diablos Nocturna and Peter Whitstable were not meeting to discuss the recent disappearance of Vladimir Putin from public view.
They were here to discuss the latest happenings with the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith.
A year ago, Whitstable had discovered that the Vampiress Lilith had formed a secret alliance with the demon Asmodeus to destroy the nation of Israel.
Diablos Nocturna had been the first person in the Intelligence community to believe Whitstable's story.
Having been a professional vampire hunter prior to joining MI-6, the man code named Diablos Nocturna was well aware of things supernatural.
Later the Mossad agent called The Controller of The Golem also came to believe Whitstable's story.
But only after Lilith had tried to seduce the Controller's rabbi when he was in a mikveh ritual bath.
Diablos told Whitstable that the Vampiress Lilith had brought the Biblical figure of Nimrod back to life by performing mouth-to-mouth on his dead body in a secret U.S. government lab.
However something had gone wrong with the antidote to death potion given her by the South African witch doctor Dr. Sterling Makabo.
The potion had done something to Nimrod's DNA and had changed him into a frog.
"Since then," Diablos informed Whitstable, "Lilith and Nimrod have been seen in several world capitals including Ankara Turkey and Berlin Germany."
"I'd be curious to know who your source is that's keeping all these tabs on Lilith and Nimrod," Whitstable declared.
"It's none other than the ancient Anglo-Saxon Vampiress Eostre," replied Diablos.
"Isn't that the Vampiress who's able to shape shift into a bunny rabbit?" Whitstable asked.
"That's the one," Diablos nodded.
"When she's in her bunny form," Whitstable adjusted his glasses, "is it true she can lay multicoloured Easter eggs?"
"Well I don't know, Peter, I've never really asked her," Diablos smiled, "the next time I see her, do you want me to ask her?".
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 16th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
MI-6 Agent Diablos Nocturna (that was his code name) was having a meeting with Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol.
On the TV screen in the meeting room were video images of Russian President Vladimir Putin working out in a gym in Saint Petersburg Russia.
The Russian President held up a sign that said Rumours of My Death Are Greatly Exaggerated.
Behind him, one of his aides held up a sign that said Rumours of His Having To Make New Paternity Payments Are Also Greatly Exaggerated.
But Diablos Nocturna and Peter Whitstable were not meeting to discuss the recent disappearance of Vladimir Putin from public view.
They were here to discuss the latest happenings with the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith.
A year ago, Whitstable had discovered that the Vampiress Lilith had formed a secret alliance with the demon Asmodeus to destroy the nation of Israel.
Diablos Nocturna had been the first person in the Intelligence community to believe Whitstable's story.
Having been a professional vampire hunter prior to joining MI-6, the man code named Diablos Nocturna was well aware of things supernatural.
Later the Mossad agent called The Controller of The Golem also came to believe Whitstable's story.
But only after Lilith had tried to seduce the Controller's rabbi when he was in a mikveh ritual bath.
Diablos told Whitstable that the Vampiress Lilith had brought the Biblical figure of Nimrod back to life by performing mouth-to-mouth on his dead body in a secret U.S. government lab.
However something had gone wrong with the antidote to death potion given her by the South African witch doctor Dr. Sterling Makabo.
The potion had done something to Nimrod's DNA and had changed him into a frog.
"Since then," Diablos informed Whitstable, "Lilith and Nimrod have been seen in several world capitals including Ankara Turkey and Berlin Germany."
"I'd be curious to know who your source is that's keeping all these tabs on Lilith and Nimrod," Whitstable declared.
"It's none other than the ancient Anglo-Saxon Vampiress Eostre," replied Diablos.
"Isn't that the Vampiress who's able to shape shift into a bunny rabbit?" Whitstable asked.
"That's the one," Diablos nodded.
"When she's in her bunny form," Whitstable adjusted his glasses, "is it true she can lay multicoloured Easter eggs?"
"Well I don't know, Peter, I've never really asked her," Diablos smiled, "the next time I see her, do you want me to ask her?".
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 16th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Netanyahu's Dream of The Ides of March In Ancient Rome
Netanyahu's Dream of The Ides of March In Ancient Rome
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was asleep in bed.
He was dreaming that he was in Ancient Rome during the Ides of March in 44 BC.
The Israeli Prime Minister saw Julius Caesar being stabbed.
He saw Caesar's face turning white as great Caesar's ghost when he was stabbed by Brutus.
As Caesar cried, "And thou, Brutus" and fell on to the marble steps, Netanyahu caught a glimpse of Brutus' face.
The Israeli Prime Minister awoke with a start.
He recognized the face of Brutus (the man who had betrayed and killed his friend Caesar) in the dream as the face of someone he Netanyahu had met and encountered in real life.
Netanyahu rubbed the sleep from his eyes.
But the face of Brutus in the dream suddenly vanished from his mind and memory.
Beware the Ides of March, Netanyahu recalled the soothsayer's cry in William Shakespeare's play Julius Caesar.
"Beware Saint Patrick's Day," a tourist group of Irish Alcoholics' Anonymous members shouted in unison as they passed an ad for Guinness in the streets of Jerusalem some blocks away.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday March 15th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was asleep in bed.
He was dreaming that he was in Ancient Rome during the Ides of March in 44 BC.
The Israeli Prime Minister saw Julius Caesar being stabbed.
He saw Caesar's face turning white as great Caesar's ghost when he was stabbed by Brutus.
As Caesar cried, "And thou, Brutus" and fell on to the marble steps, Netanyahu caught a glimpse of Brutus' face.
The Israeli Prime Minister awoke with a start.
He recognized the face of Brutus (the man who had betrayed and killed his friend Caesar) in the dream as the face of someone he Netanyahu had met and encountered in real life.
Netanyahu rubbed the sleep from his eyes.
But the face of Brutus in the dream suddenly vanished from his mind and memory.
Beware the Ides of March, Netanyahu recalled the soothsayer's cry in William Shakespeare's play Julius Caesar.
"Beware Saint Patrick's Day," a tourist group of Irish Alcoholics' Anonymous members shouted in unison as they passed an ad for Guinness in the streets of Jerusalem some blocks away.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday March 15th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, March 14, 2015
The Frog and Angela Merkel
The Frog and Angela Merkel
German Chancellor Angela Merkel told her secretary that she'd be spending the day at a spa to get herself rejuvenated.
After spending a pleasant time at the spa, she went to a quiet Berlin restaurant to have dinner.
She ordered the soup and salad.
The waiter brought her the potato soup.
Just then, Mrs. Merkel received a call on her mobile.
She noticed it was from Barack Obama.
She stepped outside on to the patio balcony to take the call undisturbed.
"Yes, Mr. President," the Chancellor spoke into the phone.
"Hi Madame Chancellor, I'm just phoning you for some advice," President Obama said, "I was wondering if you'd think Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu would take it as a personal insult if I sent him as a gift some Bavarian smoked sausages made with pork instead of beef?".
"Well yes," Mrs. Merkel replied, "I would think Mr. Netanyahu would very much take it as a personal insult."
"Thanks, Madame Chancellor," President Obama then got on the other line to his U.S.Secretary of State John Kerry, "By all means, send the Bavarian smoked sausages made with pork as a pre-election gift to Prime Minister Netanyahu this coming Israeli election night eve."
German Chancellor Angela Merkel then went back to her soup.
A little green frog leapt out of her soup.
"Waiter, there was a frog in my soup," Mrs. Merkel called out to the waiter.
"A frog?" The waiter was surprised, "Don't you mean a fly?".
"Ribbit, ribbit," the frog said as he sat on the table.
. . .
The German Chancellor's personal secretary entered her office that night and was surprised to see the very young looking and very beautiful ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith sitting in the Chancellor's chair at her desk.
She wore a very low-cut beige evening dress that showed off her cleavage quite well.
"Well fuck me wild and senseless, Madame Chancellor, " Mrs. Merkel's male personal secretary exclaimed, "but that day at the spa really did you a world of good."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 14th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
German Chancellor Angela Merkel told her secretary that she'd be spending the day at a spa to get herself rejuvenated.
After spending a pleasant time at the spa, she went to a quiet Berlin restaurant to have dinner.
She ordered the soup and salad.
The waiter brought her the potato soup.
Just then, Mrs. Merkel received a call on her mobile.
She noticed it was from Barack Obama.
She stepped outside on to the patio balcony to take the call undisturbed.
"Yes, Mr. President," the Chancellor spoke into the phone.
"Hi Madame Chancellor, I'm just phoning you for some advice," President Obama said, "I was wondering if you'd think Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu would take it as a personal insult if I sent him as a gift some Bavarian smoked sausages made with pork instead of beef?".
"Well yes," Mrs. Merkel replied, "I would think Mr. Netanyahu would very much take it as a personal insult."
"Thanks, Madame Chancellor," President Obama then got on the other line to his U.S.Secretary of State John Kerry, "By all means, send the Bavarian smoked sausages made with pork as a pre-election gift to Prime Minister Netanyahu this coming Israeli election night eve."
German Chancellor Angela Merkel then went back to her soup.
A little green frog leapt out of her soup.
"Waiter, there was a frog in my soup," Mrs. Merkel called out to the waiter.
"A frog?" The waiter was surprised, "Don't you mean a fly?".
"Ribbit, ribbit," the frog said as he sat on the table.
. . .
The German Chancellor's personal secretary entered her office that night and was surprised to see the very young looking and very beautiful ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith sitting in the Chancellor's chair at her desk.
She wore a very low-cut beige evening dress that showed off her cleavage quite well.
"Well fuck me wild and senseless, Madame Chancellor, " Mrs. Merkel's male personal secretary exclaimed, "but that day at the spa really did you a world of good."
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 14th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, March 13, 2015
The Green Man and Gaia
The Green Man and Gaia
The young man and young woman splashed in the fountain in Rome.
They looked down into the water of the fountain and saw a man with a green face with leaves, branches and vines sprouting from his ears, mouth and nostrils rising up out of the water and grabbing them.
. . .
It was an unknown ancient grotto in the City of Rome.
There was an altar there to the Ancient Greek earth mother goddess Gaia.
Cardinal JM, a member of Rome's Sacred College of Cardinals who unknown to his brethren worshipped the gods of the Ancient Greek pantheon in secret, bowed to the image of Gaia.
The spirit known as the Green Man dumped on Gaia's altar the unconscious bodies of the young man and young woman he had grabbed from the fountain.
"Many thanks for your help, spirit," Cardinal JM threw the Green Man spirit an ancient gold coin bearing the image and superscription of Antiochus IV Epiphanes the Syrian Greek king whose desecration of the Temple in Jerusalem led to the revolt of the Maccabees.
Cardinal JM then tied up the young man and young woman.
He then prayed to Gaia asking forgiveness for the many offenses humanity had committed against her.
He then took a knife and slashed the throats of the young man and woman.
He sprinkled the blood on the altar as an oblation to Gaia.
He then burned the bodies as an act of thanksgiving to Gaia.
Cardinal JM then walked back home to his apartment in the Vatican.
On his way back home, he ran into his personal secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe who was just leaving a gay nightclub.
"I wasn't so lucky tonight," Father Wardenclyffe sighed, "I should have used Grecian Formula For Men. Today's young gay men don't seem to be too impressed by fifty shades of gray."
"I suppose not," Cardinal JM shrugged, "after all Fifty Shades of Grey is about heterosexual S & M isn't it?".
A meteor flew across the night sky over Rome.
Both men lost in their own personal thoughts did not pay attention.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 13th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
The young man and young woman splashed in the fountain in Rome.
They looked down into the water of the fountain and saw a man with a green face with leaves, branches and vines sprouting from his ears, mouth and nostrils rising up out of the water and grabbing them.
. . .
It was an unknown ancient grotto in the City of Rome.
There was an altar there to the Ancient Greek earth mother goddess Gaia.
Cardinal JM, a member of Rome's Sacred College of Cardinals who unknown to his brethren worshipped the gods of the Ancient Greek pantheon in secret, bowed to the image of Gaia.
The spirit known as the Green Man dumped on Gaia's altar the unconscious bodies of the young man and young woman he had grabbed from the fountain.
"Many thanks for your help, spirit," Cardinal JM threw the Green Man spirit an ancient gold coin bearing the image and superscription of Antiochus IV Epiphanes the Syrian Greek king whose desecration of the Temple in Jerusalem led to the revolt of the Maccabees.
Cardinal JM then tied up the young man and young woman.
He then prayed to Gaia asking forgiveness for the many offenses humanity had committed against her.
He then took a knife and slashed the throats of the young man and woman.
He sprinkled the blood on the altar as an oblation to Gaia.
He then burned the bodies as an act of thanksgiving to Gaia.
Cardinal JM then walked back home to his apartment in the Vatican.
On his way back home, he ran into his personal secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe who was just leaving a gay nightclub.
"I wasn't so lucky tonight," Father Wardenclyffe sighed, "I should have used Grecian Formula For Men. Today's young gay men don't seem to be too impressed by fifty shades of gray."
"I suppose not," Cardinal JM shrugged, "after all Fifty Shades of Grey is about heterosexual S & M isn't it?".
A meteor flew across the night sky over Rome.
Both men lost in their own personal thoughts did not pay attention.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 13th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
A Frog In The Presidential Palace
A Frog In The Presidential Palace
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan was walking through the 1,150 rooms of the new Turkish Presidential Palace in Ankara.
As he was walking through the rooms, he was daydreaming in his mind of a referendum in which the populace of Turkey unanimously voted to have him declared Sultan of Turkey.
Today Sultan of Turkey, tomorrow Caliph of the entire world.
Erdogan entered the conservatory which contained luscious plants and artificial waterfalls.
He suddenly noticed a little green frog sitting on one of the plants near the waterfalls.
The frog croaked, "Ribbit, ribbit."
Erdogan hurriedly left the conservatory and went to one of the Presidential Palace guards.
Said Erdogan to the guard, "There's a little green frog in that room and he croaked 'Ribbit, ribbit' to me. Check him out."
The guard went into the room and noticed a little green frog sitting on a lily pad near one of the waterfalls.
The frog opened his mouth and said, "I am Nimrod."
The guard went out into the hall and addressed Erdogan.
"I saw the frog," said the guard, "but he didn't say 'Ribbit, ribbit', he said, 'I am Nimrod'."
"Nonsense you idiot," Erdogan foamed, "Frogs don't have the power of speech. Have you been drinking on the job? Although as a good Muslim, you shouldn't be drinking off the job either."
Erdogan went into the room and approached the frog.
"Well say, 'Ribbit, ribbit'," ordered Erdogan.
The frog opened his mouth and said, "Rabbit, rabbit."
Erdogan left the room in a huff and went up to the guard.
"Did he say 'Ribbit, ribbit'?" The guard asked.
"No, he said, 'Rabbit, rabbit'," Erdogan replied white as a ghost.
A little white bunny rabbit hopped out of the conservatory room behind Erdogan and then proceeded to hop through the rest of the 1,150 rooms of the Turkish Presidential Palace.
The little green frog followed.
To be continued.
- A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday, March 11th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan was walking through the 1,150 rooms of the new Turkish Presidential Palace in Ankara.
As he was walking through the rooms, he was daydreaming in his mind of a referendum in which the populace of Turkey unanimously voted to have him declared Sultan of Turkey.
Today Sultan of Turkey, tomorrow Caliph of the entire world.
Erdogan entered the conservatory which contained luscious plants and artificial waterfalls.
He suddenly noticed a little green frog sitting on one of the plants near the waterfalls.
The frog croaked, "Ribbit, ribbit."
Erdogan hurriedly left the conservatory and went to one of the Presidential Palace guards.
Said Erdogan to the guard, "There's a little green frog in that room and he croaked 'Ribbit, ribbit' to me. Check him out."
The guard went into the room and noticed a little green frog sitting on a lily pad near one of the waterfalls.
The frog opened his mouth and said, "I am Nimrod."
The guard went out into the hall and addressed Erdogan.
"I saw the frog," said the guard, "but he didn't say 'Ribbit, ribbit', he said, 'I am Nimrod'."
"Nonsense you idiot," Erdogan foamed, "Frogs don't have the power of speech. Have you been drinking on the job? Although as a good Muslim, you shouldn't be drinking off the job either."
Erdogan went into the room and approached the frog.
"Well say, 'Ribbit, ribbit'," ordered Erdogan.
The frog opened his mouth and said, "Rabbit, rabbit."
Erdogan left the room in a huff and went up to the guard.
"Did he say 'Ribbit, ribbit'?" The guard asked.
"No, he said, 'Rabbit, rabbit'," Erdogan replied white as a ghost.
A little white bunny rabbit hopped out of the conservatory room behind Erdogan and then proceeded to hop through the rest of the 1,150 rooms of the Turkish Presidential Palace.
The little green frog followed.
To be continued.
- A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday, March 11th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, March 6, 2015
Qonzilqointec's Coup
Qonzilqointec's Coup
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was in the Venezuelan capital of Caracas.
Qonzilqointec had been good friends with Venezuela's late President Hugo Chavez who died 2 years ago this past Thursday.
But she didn't think much of his successor Nicolas Maduro whom she thought was a complete dolt to say nothing of being a tyrant.
So she was in Caracas arranging his overthrow.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 6th
2015.
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was in the Venezuelan capital of Caracas.
Qonzilqointec had been good friends with Venezuela's late President Hugo Chavez who died 2 years ago this past Thursday.
But she didn't think much of his successor Nicolas Maduro whom she thought was a complete dolt to say nothing of being a tyrant.
So she was in Caracas arranging his overthrow.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 6th
2015.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Renfield, Lilith and The Frog Prince
Renfield, Lilith and The Frog Prince
Renfield R. Renfield was on his computer while Amadeus Emanon was doing a jigsaw puzzle.
"I wonder why everyone is getting excited by that photo of a weasel riding a woodpecker's back," Renfield mused aloud, "when this photo of a low cut evening dress vampiress with nice knockers flying over West Virginia with a frog in between her cleavage is so much more interesting... to say nothing of being much more arousing."
"Well I see that photo has become serious competition for Viagra," Amadeus commented as a certain part of Renfield's anatomy knocked over the coffee table.
Amadeus went over to Renfield's computer and looked at the photo.
"I believe that's the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith isn't it?" Amadeus asked.
"Wow, you're right!" Renfield was impressed.
He had only given his protege Amadeus the book An Illustrated Encyclopedia of Vampiresses to look at the night before.
"I wonder who the lucky frog in between her cleavage is?" Renfield felt jealous of the little amphibian.
"I have no idea," Amadeus went back to his jigsaw puzzle of the Tower of Babel.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 5th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Renfield R. Renfield was on his computer while Amadeus Emanon was doing a jigsaw puzzle.
"I wonder why everyone is getting excited by that photo of a weasel riding a woodpecker's back," Renfield mused aloud, "when this photo of a low cut evening dress vampiress with nice knockers flying over West Virginia with a frog in between her cleavage is so much more interesting... to say nothing of being much more arousing."
"Well I see that photo has become serious competition for Viagra," Amadeus commented as a certain part of Renfield's anatomy knocked over the coffee table.
Amadeus went over to Renfield's computer and looked at the photo.
"I believe that's the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith isn't it?" Amadeus asked.
"Wow, you're right!" Renfield was impressed.
He had only given his protege Amadeus the book An Illustrated Encyclopedia of Vampiresses to look at the night before.
"I wonder who the lucky frog in between her cleavage is?" Renfield felt jealous of the little amphibian.
"I have no idea," Amadeus went back to his jigsaw puzzle of the Tower of Babel.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 5th
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Lilith and Nimrod
Lilith and Nimrod
The Controller of the Golem noticed the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith sitting in the public gallery of the U. S. Congress as Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave his speech.
The Mossad agent noticed she was wearing the same white and gold evening dress that she was wearing the night before.
He also noticed that her hair was somewhat disheveled as if she had spent the night somewhere and didn't have time to change.
Meanwhile far away from Congress, a former U.S. President had in his pocket a statement that read "I did not have sexual relations with that vampiress" on the off chance someone had spotted him in the hotel room with that sexy looking redhead.
When the speech was over, the Controller of the Golem followed the Vampiress into the lobby.
He noticed Lilith entering the women's washroom.
He followed.
As gasps could be heard coming from surprised exiting patrons, he explained, "I'm transgendered like Bruce Jenner is but I'm only beginning my treatments."
He noticed Lilith bumping into House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi whose mascara was running down her face as a result of crying during Netanyahu's speech.
He noticed Lilith open the washroom window, turn into a bat and promptly fly out.
The Controller of the Golem entered one of the stalls, closed the door, took out his cell phone and phoned a fellow Mossad agent as he did his business.
Minutes later a huge bloodcurdling female scream could be heard coming from that women's washroom on that particular floor of Congress.
As security rushed into the washroom, the same female voice could be heard shrieking, "Who the Hell left the toilet seat up?".
. . .
Lilith had gone to a secret U. S. government lab near Baltimore, Maryland where the body of Nimrod the builder of the Tower of Babel was being kept.
She found the giant test tube where Nimrod's body was being kept and opened it.
She could have been stopped by security personnel at the lab except an argument had broken out among security personnel as to what colour her evening dress was.
Half of the personnel said it was "white and gold" and the other half said it was "blue and black".
As the security personnel proceeded to strangle one another over who was right, Nancy Pelosi's image appeared on the News on the TV screen no one was watching complaining to reporters that Netanyahu had made condescending remarks about the state of American intelligence.
Meanwhile Lilith had swallowed a special potion given her by the South African Xhosa witch doctor Dr. Sterling Makabo.
The potion was designed to unite a dead person's soul with their body once they were given the kiss of life by someone who had drunk the potion.
Lilith threw Nimrod's dead body on a slab in the lab.
As theme music from The Rocky Horror Picture Show played in the laboratory background, Lilith raised her evening dress and then mounted Nimrod's body on the slab in the lab.
She then gave Nimrod a very passionate kiss of life.
Nimrod's soul returned to his body.
Unfortunately due to a miscalculation in the amount of vermouth required in the Kiss of Life potion that Dr. Sterling Makabo had made, the potion as designed by him had the unfortunate side effect of changing Nimrod's genetic make-up and turning him into a frog.
"Oh shit, he's turned into a frog! That's going to cause problems!" Lilith exclaimed as Nimrod turned into a frog.
"It could have been worse, he could have turned into a toad," a lab security personnel officer spoke his last words prior to being strangled by one of his co-workers.
"He did turn into a toad!" shouted another co-worker.
"He's a frog, you moron!" insisted another lab security personnel officer.
Soon a fight broke out among the lab security personnel as to whether Nimrod had turned into a frog or a toad.
As the bickering and back-stabbing (quite literally) continued among lab security personnel, Lilith sprouted bat wings through the back of her evening dress and after putting the frog Nimrod into a jar, she flew away with the little amphibian ex-human stuffed down the top of her evening dress in between her cleavage.
"Almost heaven, West Virginia, blue ridge mountain," Nimrod sang the John Denver lyrics in the jar as the duo flew over West Virginia.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 3rd
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
The Controller of the Golem noticed the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith sitting in the public gallery of the U. S. Congress as Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave his speech.
The Mossad agent noticed she was wearing the same white and gold evening dress that she was wearing the night before.
He also noticed that her hair was somewhat disheveled as if she had spent the night somewhere and didn't have time to change.
Meanwhile far away from Congress, a former U.S. President had in his pocket a statement that read "I did not have sexual relations with that vampiress" on the off chance someone had spotted him in the hotel room with that sexy looking redhead.
When the speech was over, the Controller of the Golem followed the Vampiress into the lobby.
He noticed Lilith entering the women's washroom.
He followed.
As gasps could be heard coming from surprised exiting patrons, he explained, "I'm transgendered like Bruce Jenner is but I'm only beginning my treatments."
He noticed Lilith bumping into House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi whose mascara was running down her face as a result of crying during Netanyahu's speech.
He noticed Lilith open the washroom window, turn into a bat and promptly fly out.
The Controller of the Golem entered one of the stalls, closed the door, took out his cell phone and phoned a fellow Mossad agent as he did his business.
Minutes later a huge bloodcurdling female scream could be heard coming from that women's washroom on that particular floor of Congress.
As security rushed into the washroom, the same female voice could be heard shrieking, "Who the Hell left the toilet seat up?".
. . .
Lilith had gone to a secret U. S. government lab near Baltimore, Maryland where the body of Nimrod the builder of the Tower of Babel was being kept.
She found the giant test tube where Nimrod's body was being kept and opened it.
She could have been stopped by security personnel at the lab except an argument had broken out among security personnel as to what colour her evening dress was.
Half of the personnel said it was "white and gold" and the other half said it was "blue and black".
As the security personnel proceeded to strangle one another over who was right, Nancy Pelosi's image appeared on the News on the TV screen no one was watching complaining to reporters that Netanyahu had made condescending remarks about the state of American intelligence.
Meanwhile Lilith had swallowed a special potion given her by the South African Xhosa witch doctor Dr. Sterling Makabo.
The potion was designed to unite a dead person's soul with their body once they were given the kiss of life by someone who had drunk the potion.
Lilith threw Nimrod's dead body on a slab in the lab.
As theme music from The Rocky Horror Picture Show played in the laboratory background, Lilith raised her evening dress and then mounted Nimrod's body on the slab in the lab.
She then gave Nimrod a very passionate kiss of life.
Nimrod's soul returned to his body.
Unfortunately due to a miscalculation in the amount of vermouth required in the Kiss of Life potion that Dr. Sterling Makabo had made, the potion as designed by him had the unfortunate side effect of changing Nimrod's genetic make-up and turning him into a frog.
"Oh shit, he's turned into a frog! That's going to cause problems!" Lilith exclaimed as Nimrod turned into a frog.
"It could have been worse, he could have turned into a toad," a lab security personnel officer spoke his last words prior to being strangled by one of his co-workers.
"He did turn into a toad!" shouted another co-worker.
"He's a frog, you moron!" insisted another lab security personnel officer.
Soon a fight broke out among the lab security personnel as to whether Nimrod had turned into a frog or a toad.
As the bickering and back-stabbing (quite literally) continued among lab security personnel, Lilith sprouted bat wings through the back of her evening dress and after putting the frog Nimrod into a jar, she flew away with the little amphibian ex-human stuffed down the top of her evening dress in between her cleavage.
"Almost heaven, West Virginia, blue ridge mountain," Nimrod sang the John Denver lyrics in the jar as the duo flew over West Virginia.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 3rd
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, March 2, 2015
Lilith In Washington D.C.
Lilith In Washington D.C.
The Mossad agent called the Controller of The Golem was in Washington D.C.
To provide security for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu as he gave his speech to the U.S. Congress tomorrow.
In the White House, U.S. President Barack Obama sat at the dinner table bitching to his wife Michelle about how the Israeli Prime Minister was speaking to the U.S. Congress without his permission.
"Barack, can't you talk about something else for a change?" Michelle admonished him.
"Yes, Daddy," his two daughters joined in, "you're starting to sound like a broken record and if we didn't watch Turner Classic Movies, we wouldn't even know what that is since we live in an age of iTunes."
As the Controller of the Golem stood looking at the Washington Monument
Obelisk, he reflected on a report that had been sent to him a year ago from Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol.
In the report, Whitstable claimed the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith had formed an alliance with the ancient demon Asmodeus to destroy the State of Israel.
When the Controller had asked Whitstable why Lilith and Asmodeus would want to destroy Israel, the Interpol officer replied that Lilith was still pissed off at Israel for what she considered were all the lies and slanders told about her by the Jewish writers and commentators in the Babylonian Talmud.
As for the demon Asmodeus, he was still pissed off by the fact that a young Jewish boy from Nineveh named Tobias had snatched the fair and lovely maiden Sarah from his reptilian hands in the land of Media and furthermore how the said young Jewish lad had befriended the archangel Raphael and how on Tobias and Sarah's wedding night the archangel Raphael had bound Asmodeus in the land of Upper Egypt where the demon lay imprisoned for several centuries.
Now Lilith and Asmodeus were plotting their revenge against the Jewish people.
The Controller of the Golem noticed a bat flying above the Washington Monument.
The bat flew towards the ground and then turned into a beautiful red headed woman wearing a white and gold evening dress although some passers-by insisted it was blue and black.
The woman hailed a cab and got in.
Lilith.
The Controller of the Golem got on his cell phone to the Israeli Prime Minister.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 2nd
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
The Mossad agent called the Controller of The Golem was in Washington D.C.
To provide security for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu as he gave his speech to the U.S. Congress tomorrow.
In the White House, U.S. President Barack Obama sat at the dinner table bitching to his wife Michelle about how the Israeli Prime Minister was speaking to the U.S. Congress without his permission.
"Barack, can't you talk about something else for a change?" Michelle admonished him.
"Yes, Daddy," his two daughters joined in, "you're starting to sound like a broken record and if we didn't watch Turner Classic Movies, we wouldn't even know what that is since we live in an age of iTunes."
As the Controller of the Golem stood looking at the Washington Monument
Obelisk, he reflected on a report that had been sent to him a year ago from Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol.
In the report, Whitstable claimed the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith had formed an alliance with the ancient demon Asmodeus to destroy the State of Israel.
When the Controller had asked Whitstable why Lilith and Asmodeus would want to destroy Israel, the Interpol officer replied that Lilith was still pissed off at Israel for what she considered were all the lies and slanders told about her by the Jewish writers and commentators in the Babylonian Talmud.
As for the demon Asmodeus, he was still pissed off by the fact that a young Jewish boy from Nineveh named Tobias had snatched the fair and lovely maiden Sarah from his reptilian hands in the land of Media and furthermore how the said young Jewish lad had befriended the archangel Raphael and how on Tobias and Sarah's wedding night the archangel Raphael had bound Asmodeus in the land of Upper Egypt where the demon lay imprisoned for several centuries.
Now Lilith and Asmodeus were plotting their revenge against the Jewish people.
The Controller of the Golem noticed a bat flying above the Washington Monument.
The bat flew towards the ground and then turned into a beautiful red headed woman wearing a white and gold evening dress although some passers-by insisted it was blue and black.
The woman hailed a cab and got in.
Lilith.
The Controller of the Golem got on his cell phone to the Israeli Prime Minister.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 2nd
2015.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Renfield and Andy Warhol's Prophetic Paintings
Renfield and Andy Warhol's Prophetic Paintings
Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were attending a special exhibit on Prophetic Works of Art at the Cirillo Gallery in London.
The first item they glanced at was what turned out to be a prophetic painting by Andy Warhol entitled Phoenix Llamas' 15 Minutes of Fame that showed two llamas running amok through the streets of Phoenix, Arizona.
The next painting was also prophetic and was also by Andy Warhol- it was called Portrait of A San Francisco Transgendered Llama Wearing A Dress Whose Color Is The Subject of An Intense Debate.
The painting showed a llama wearing a dress whose colour changed depending upon what direction you gazed on it.
From one direction, the dress appeared blue and black.
From another direction, it appeared gold and white.
The third item was a single line on a piece of paper from a lost manuscript of a long lost and virtually forgotten William Shakespeare play that the Bard penned in 1615 entitled Vision of The World Four Centuries Hence.
The single line read,
#TheDress 'Tis a tweet retweeted by idiots full of sound and fury signifying nothing.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday March 1st
2015.
Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were attending a special exhibit on Prophetic Works of Art at the Cirillo Gallery in London.
The first item they glanced at was what turned out to be a prophetic painting by Andy Warhol entitled Phoenix Llamas' 15 Minutes of Fame that showed two llamas running amok through the streets of Phoenix, Arizona.
The next painting was also prophetic and was also by Andy Warhol- it was called Portrait of A San Francisco Transgendered Llama Wearing A Dress Whose Color Is The Subject of An Intense Debate.
The painting showed a llama wearing a dress whose colour changed depending upon what direction you gazed on it.
From one direction, the dress appeared blue and black.
From another direction, it appeared gold and white.
The third item was a single line on a piece of paper from a lost manuscript of a long lost and virtually forgotten William Shakespeare play that the Bard penned in 1615 entitled Vision of The World Four Centuries Hence.
The single line read,
#TheDress 'Tis a tweet retweeted by idiots full of sound and fury signifying nothing.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday March 1st
2015.
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