Walking across the flooded roads of Vermont was a tall blonde man carrying pieces of wood.
One would think he was gathering fire wood because of the power outages.
But when people stranded by the washed-out roads were suddenly attacked by creatures who were trying to take their blood, the man sprang into action.
Staking vampires left, right and center.
Renfield R. Renfield who had been standing in the middle of a washed out road in very tall rubber boots and thinking he had picked a most inopportune moment to visit Vermont looked on with amusement.
"Well fancy running into you here, Dracul Van Helsing," Renfield laughed.
"Fancy running into you, Renfield R. Renfield," Van Helsing replied. "it's too bad you weren't a vampire because then under international law, I could stake and kill you."
"Yes, a pity for you," Renfield agreed, "but not for me."
"What are you doing in Vermont?" Van Helsing asked.
"Amadeus told me there was a great and beautiful inn in Vermont," Renfield replied, "told me to visit it."
"Really?" Van Helsing smiled.
He had an idea of how the 7-year-old genetic clone's mind worked- for while Amadeus was grown in the Set Laboratories test tube to be born an adult- in many ways Amadeus was still a child in his mind set.
"Was this Inn called The Stratford Inn?" Van Helsing asked.
"Why, yes it was," Renfield nodded, "you know it?".
"And he knew about it from an old 1980s TV show he watched called Newhart?" Van Helsing inquired.
"Yes," Renfied replied, "you know how to get there?".
"Newhart was a fictional TV show- a situation comedy," Van Helsing explained, "there is no Stratford Inn in reality."
"You mean I got drenched and pouring wet for nothing?" Renfield sighed.
"Yes," said Van Helsing as he killed yet another vampire.
"Too bad Amadeus wasn't a vampire," Renfield seethed, "I'd buy a stake off you and use it where it would do the most good when I get back to England."
To be continued.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
A Peace That Strikes Terror
A pin dropped on the empty streets
and the echo seemed to shake the Statue of Liberty
no traffic
no transit
no buses
no planes
ironically Irene is a Greek word meaning peace
and the city is devoid of noise
seemingly at peace
but the peace over the Big Apple
seems to be the peace of the grave
and the approaching sound of wind and water
could be the approaching hoofbeats of death.
-A poem written by Dracul Van Helsing
Saturday evening, August 27th 2011
and the echo seemed to shake the Statue of Liberty
no traffic
no transit
no buses
no planes
ironically Irene is a Greek word meaning peace
and the city is devoid of noise
seemingly at peace
but the peace over the Big Apple
seems to be the peace of the grave
and the approaching sound of wind and water
could be the approaching hoofbeats of death.
-A poem written by Dracul Van Helsing
Saturday evening, August 27th 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Alfred Hitchcock Sings Good Night Or Was It Good Evening?
In the Malaysian province of Sarawak, the owner of a large farm sat down to watch that old TV show Alfred Hitchcock Presents on his large screen TV.
Hitchcock said, "Slamat lemai..."
In the Malaysian capital of Kuala Lumpur, a Malaysian bank executive sat down to watch that old TV show Alfred Hitchcock Presents on her large screen TV.
Hitchcock said, "Selamat petang..."
In London, England, Amadeus Emanon sat down to watch that old TV show Alfred Hitchcock Presents on the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's large screen TV.
Hitchcock said, "Good evening..."
In his motel room in Virginia, Renfield was rehearsing for a conversation with a Malaysian woman over Skype he'd be having later that evening.
"You're very bajik," Renfield rehearsed his Iban.
He paused.
"You're very cantik," he rehearsed his Malay.
From the motel room to the right of him, he heard a wife sob to her husband, "You never tell me I'm pretty anymore..."
Renfield then imagined what the woman would say back to him...
"You're very sigat," she'd say in Iban.
"You're very tampan," she'd then say in Malay.
"I find Johnny Depp so handsome," said the 78-old-grandmother in the motel room to the left of him, "I'd like to fuck his brains out..."
"Grandma," admonished her granddaughter, "not in front of the great-grandkids..."
"Of course I wouldn't do it in front of the great-grandkids," the elderly woman retorted, "I'd take Johnny into the shower with me..."
On Renfield's motel room TV screen, an emergency bulletin flashed on the screen.
The announcer said, "We interrupt this episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents to inform you that a state of emergency has been declared in Virginia, North Carolina, Maryland, New Jersey and New York due to fears of a direct hit by the looming monster storm Hurricane Irene..."
"Holy shit," Renfield said as he looked at the screen.
He had no idea what the Iban and Malay words were for the phrase he just used.
To be continued.
Hitchcock said, "Slamat lemai..."
In the Malaysian capital of Kuala Lumpur, a Malaysian bank executive sat down to watch that old TV show Alfred Hitchcock Presents on her large screen TV.
Hitchcock said, "Selamat petang..."
In London, England, Amadeus Emanon sat down to watch that old TV show Alfred Hitchcock Presents on the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's large screen TV.
Hitchcock said, "Good evening..."
In his motel room in Virginia, Renfield was rehearsing for a conversation with a Malaysian woman over Skype he'd be having later that evening.
"You're very bajik," Renfield rehearsed his Iban.
He paused.
"You're very cantik," he rehearsed his Malay.
From the motel room to the right of him, he heard a wife sob to her husband, "You never tell me I'm pretty anymore..."
Renfield then imagined what the woman would say back to him...
"You're very sigat," she'd say in Iban.
"You're very tampan," she'd then say in Malay.
"I find Johnny Depp so handsome," said the 78-old-grandmother in the motel room to the left of him, "I'd like to fuck his brains out..."
"Grandma," admonished her granddaughter, "not in front of the great-grandkids..."
"Of course I wouldn't do it in front of the great-grandkids," the elderly woman retorted, "I'd take Johnny into the shower with me..."
On Renfield's motel room TV screen, an emergency bulletin flashed on the screen.
The announcer said, "We interrupt this episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents to inform you that a state of emergency has been declared in Virginia, North Carolina, Maryland, New Jersey and New York due to fears of a direct hit by the looming monster storm Hurricane Irene..."
"Holy shit," Renfield said as he looked at the screen.
He had no idea what the Iban and Malay words were for the phrase he just used.
To be continued.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Ghost of Josef Stalin On Social Networking Sites
Michelangelo the genetically engineered Psychic Lobster was again feeling bored in his solo lobster tank in the Set Laboratories Lab outside London.
He decided he'd once again kill time through his genetically engineered ability to enter people's dreams.
First he'd see if Renfield was asleep and dreaming.
He entered the mind of Renfield who was currently asleep and dreaming in a motel room in the U.S. state of Virginia.
Renfield was dreaming that he was in the drive-through lane at a McDonald's restaurant.
Speaking into the drive-through intercom, Renfield said, "Lapar amai pour sex."
He was showing off his skills at being able to speak 3 languages- Iban, French and English simultaneously.
Michelangelo shook his lobster head (and thus his antennae as well).
Renfield would always be Renfield.
Michelangelo decided he would then enter the dreams of Piers Morgan the host of CNN"s news talk show Piers Morgan Tonight.
Piers Morgan was dreaming that he was talking to the ghost of late Soviet dictator Josef Stalin on his show.
Complained Stalin's ghost, "You know as I look around at the world today, I've always regretted the fact that both myself and my state the U.S.S.R. kicked the bucket before the advent of Internet social networking sites.
I mean one of the drawbacks of being in control of a police state in my day was that you had to spend so much money on having a vast secret police service to spy and find out what your people were saying, doing and thinking.
These days thanks to sites like Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr, people automatically post for the entire world to see what they're saying, doing and thinking.
It would have made running a totalitarian state so much easier had these sites been around when I was busy dictating."
To be continued.
He decided he'd once again kill time through his genetically engineered ability to enter people's dreams.
First he'd see if Renfield was asleep and dreaming.
He entered the mind of Renfield who was currently asleep and dreaming in a motel room in the U.S. state of Virginia.
Renfield was dreaming that he was in the drive-through lane at a McDonald's restaurant.
Speaking into the drive-through intercom, Renfield said, "Lapar amai pour sex."
He was showing off his skills at being able to speak 3 languages- Iban, French and English simultaneously.
Michelangelo shook his lobster head (and thus his antennae as well).
Renfield would always be Renfield.
Michelangelo decided he would then enter the dreams of Piers Morgan the host of CNN"s news talk show Piers Morgan Tonight.
Piers Morgan was dreaming that he was talking to the ghost of late Soviet dictator Josef Stalin on his show.
Complained Stalin's ghost, "You know as I look around at the world today, I've always regretted the fact that both myself and my state the U.S.S.R. kicked the bucket before the advent of Internet social networking sites.
I mean one of the drawbacks of being in control of a police state in my day was that you had to spend so much money on having a vast secret police service to spy and find out what your people were saying, doing and thinking.
These days thanks to sites like Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr, people automatically post for the entire world to see what they're saying, doing and thinking.
It would have made running a totalitarian state so much easier had these sites been around when I was busy dictating."
To be continued.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Renfield And The Virginia Earthquake
Renfield R. Renfield was lying in bed in the motel room with a big huge smile on his face- probably the biggest smile he had on his face in his entire life.
The phone rang.
Renfield happily reached for it.
"Hello," Renfield grinned up at the ceiling.
"Renfield," it was his colleague Amadeus Emanon's voice, "are you all right? Are you okay? Is everything fine?".
"Was never better," Renfield said as he smoked a cigarette for the first time in his life.
"But I just heard on BBC News that a major earthquake has hit Virginia," Amadeus gasped, "it was felt as far away as Toronto, Ontario, Canada. The shaking could be felt in North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Washington DC and New York City."
"Earthquake?" said Renfield who was in the American state of Virginia on special assignment for his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, "I don't recall any earthquake. I remember picking up a very attractive hooker last night."
"But they said a major earthquake struck which had its epicenter in Virginia very very very close to where you're staying occurred at around 1:51 PM local time," Amadeus explained.
"Really?" Renfield looked at his watch, "gee that was around the exact same time I finally came..."
"You da man," the attractive looking hooker in bed next to him moaned in post-orgasmic super ecstasy, "you most definitely DA Man."
To be continued.
The phone rang.
Renfield happily reached for it.
"Hello," Renfield grinned up at the ceiling.
"Renfield," it was his colleague Amadeus Emanon's voice, "are you all right? Are you okay? Is everything fine?".
"Was never better," Renfield said as he smoked a cigarette for the first time in his life.
"But I just heard on BBC News that a major earthquake has hit Virginia," Amadeus gasped, "it was felt as far away as Toronto, Ontario, Canada. The shaking could be felt in North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Washington DC and New York City."
"Earthquake?" said Renfield who was in the American state of Virginia on special assignment for his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, "I don't recall any earthquake. I remember picking up a very attractive hooker last night."
"But they said a major earthquake struck which had its epicenter in Virginia very very very close to where you're staying occurred at around 1:51 PM local time," Amadeus explained.
"Really?" Renfield looked at his watch, "gee that was around the exact same time I finally came..."
"You da man," the attractive looking hooker in bed next to him moaned in post-orgasmic super ecstasy, "you most definitely DA Man."
To be continued.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
A Marxist Werewolf In Madrid
Walking in Madrid in the middle of the pouring rain...
... I was walking in Madrid in the middle of the pouring rain...
... wearing the coat of a werewolf in the middle of the pouring rain...
... The Senorita in red asked me, "Are you a Christian, child?"...
and I answered, "Marxist-Leninist."
Magog Rhys Petley was beginning to feel that he was the central character in a badly written parody of a Marc Cohn hit song.
The far leftist Labour Member of Parliament from Wales had been battling an acute outbreak of lycanthropy ever since he got bitten by the ancient Hindu demon Rahu several months ago.
Part of the curse was that he did not turn into a werewolf only during the full moon but also whenever he was deeply aroused by something.
And lately the agitation of rioters in Britain the past couple of weeks had been turning him into a werewolf.
Now Scotland Yard was under the impression that he was responsible for organizing the riots.
So Magog decided to leave the country for a while until the heat died down.
Coming to Spain may not have been the brightest idea in the world.
All of these beautiful young Spanish senoritas were getting him sexually aroused.
Not to mention the streets of Madrid were crowded because of Papal World Youth Day celebrations.
And now here in Madrid as he stood in the middle of the pouring rain, thunder and lightning flashed all around him.
Water and several hundreds of thousands of volts of electricity was probably not a good combination Magog figured.
But it still might put an end to his werewolf's curse.
Magog drank his buttermilk.
He had discovered that drinking buttermilk seemed to serve as an antidote to his outbreaks of Rahu-bite induced lycanthropy.
The beautiful young Senorita in red had asked him if he was a Christian.
No doubt because of all the visitors here to the Papal World Youth Day.
She walked down the streets in her red dress which fit even more tightly around her lovely figure because of the wetness caused by the rain.
As the glass of buttermilk had been emptied and she continued to swish elegantly down the streets in her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes, Magog felt himself getting aroused.
As he turned hairy and started crawling around on all fours, the woman in red turned around and faced him without fear, "To remove the curse, seek the help of the Key."
She then turned and vanished down a Madrid alleyway.
"A key?" Magog thought to himself as he started to howl.
Where was he going to find a key in this tumultuous weather?
What did she mean by the Key?
Thunder and lightning flashed all around him.
To be continued.
... I was walking in Madrid in the middle of the pouring rain...
... wearing the coat of a werewolf in the middle of the pouring rain...
... The Senorita in red asked me, "Are you a Christian, child?"...
and I answered, "Marxist-Leninist."
Magog Rhys Petley was beginning to feel that he was the central character in a badly written parody of a Marc Cohn hit song.
The far leftist Labour Member of Parliament from Wales had been battling an acute outbreak of lycanthropy ever since he got bitten by the ancient Hindu demon Rahu several months ago.
Part of the curse was that he did not turn into a werewolf only during the full moon but also whenever he was deeply aroused by something.
And lately the agitation of rioters in Britain the past couple of weeks had been turning him into a werewolf.
Now Scotland Yard was under the impression that he was responsible for organizing the riots.
So Magog decided to leave the country for a while until the heat died down.
Coming to Spain may not have been the brightest idea in the world.
All of these beautiful young Spanish senoritas were getting him sexually aroused.
Not to mention the streets of Madrid were crowded because of Papal World Youth Day celebrations.
And now here in Madrid as he stood in the middle of the pouring rain, thunder and lightning flashed all around him.
Water and several hundreds of thousands of volts of electricity was probably not a good combination Magog figured.
But it still might put an end to his werewolf's curse.
Magog drank his buttermilk.
He had discovered that drinking buttermilk seemed to serve as an antidote to his outbreaks of Rahu-bite induced lycanthropy.
The beautiful young Senorita in red had asked him if he was a Christian.
No doubt because of all the visitors here to the Papal World Youth Day.
She walked down the streets in her red dress which fit even more tightly around her lovely figure because of the wetness caused by the rain.
As the glass of buttermilk had been emptied and she continued to swish elegantly down the streets in her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes, Magog felt himself getting aroused.
As he turned hairy and started crawling around on all fours, the woman in red turned around and faced him without fear, "To remove the curse, seek the help of the Key."
She then turned and vanished down a Madrid alleyway.
"A key?" Magog thought to himself as he started to howl.
Where was he going to find a key in this tumultuous weather?
What did she mean by the Key?
Thunder and lightning flashed all around him.
To be continued.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Vampire On The Beach
Dracul Van Helsing was taking a break from vampire hunting and vampire slaying and was taking a refreshing night time swim in a lake.
The only thing he had on the beach was his towel.
The vampire flew on to the beach in the basking glow of the full moon.
He smiled and licked his lips.
There was renowned vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing without a wooden stake or Holy Water or a Cross.
The only thing he had on the beach was a towel- a very beautiful towel judging from the intricate woven patterns on it- but a towel just the same.
He, the vampire smiled, would be known as the vampire who slayed Dracul Van Helsing.
"Greetings, Dracul Van Helsing," the vampire said as the vampire slayer emerged from the water, "so here you are without a Cross or Holy Water or a wooden stake. Prepare to meet your Maker, oh foolish one."
Van Helsing hit the vampire with the towel and the vampire started to disintegrate.
"This," Van Helsing calmly explained as the vampire disintegrated, "is a towel woven by a Malaysian Iban woman. It was hand woven on a back-strap loom which is called Pua. In Iban culture, weaving is considered sacred and is able to mediate between man and the spirit world. Spiritual power is woven into the designs. The designs on this patterned towel convey in its intricate designs the story of Christ's Death on The Cross and His Resurrection."
"Now you tell me," were the vampire's last words before his head disintegrated.
Further on down the beach, a TV commercial was being shot and filmed for Canada's Dairy Queen Restaurants (Dairy Queen is famous in Canada for its ice cream cones and ice cream sundaes and banana splits and a special ice cream dessert called an Ice Cream Blizzard).
"Well," said the TV Commercial spokesman for Dairy Queen Restaurants, "here at Dairy Queen, we don't just give you a great tasting Ice Cream Blizzard Sundae for only $2.99, here at Dairy Queen, we show you a vampire hunter slaying a vampire with only a wet towel..."
To be continued.
The only thing he had on the beach was his towel.
The vampire flew on to the beach in the basking glow of the full moon.
He smiled and licked his lips.
There was renowned vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing without a wooden stake or Holy Water or a Cross.
The only thing he had on the beach was a towel- a very beautiful towel judging from the intricate woven patterns on it- but a towel just the same.
He, the vampire smiled, would be known as the vampire who slayed Dracul Van Helsing.
"Greetings, Dracul Van Helsing," the vampire said as the vampire slayer emerged from the water, "so here you are without a Cross or Holy Water or a wooden stake. Prepare to meet your Maker, oh foolish one."
Van Helsing hit the vampire with the towel and the vampire started to disintegrate.
"This," Van Helsing calmly explained as the vampire disintegrated, "is a towel woven by a Malaysian Iban woman. It was hand woven on a back-strap loom which is called Pua. In Iban culture, weaving is considered sacred and is able to mediate between man and the spirit world. Spiritual power is woven into the designs. The designs on this patterned towel convey in its intricate designs the story of Christ's Death on The Cross and His Resurrection."
"Now you tell me," were the vampire's last words before his head disintegrated.
Further on down the beach, a TV commercial was being shot and filmed for Canada's Dairy Queen Restaurants (Dairy Queen is famous in Canada for its ice cream cones and ice cream sundaes and banana splits and a special ice cream dessert called an Ice Cream Blizzard).
"Well," said the TV Commercial spokesman for Dairy Queen Restaurants, "here at Dairy Queen, we don't just give you a great tasting Ice Cream Blizzard Sundae for only $2.99, here at Dairy Queen, we show you a vampire hunter slaying a vampire with only a wet towel..."
To be continued.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Freddy Krueger Rap Song
It's Freddy Krueger
carrying a luger
after he got his arm caught in the door
razor fingernails crushed on the floor
so now he's switched modus operandi
and after a deep whiff of brandy
he's entering nightmares once more
tallying up his score
with blood and gore
but without his trademark arm of fright
most dreamers call it a night
they've seen a gun before
mopping blood off the floor
and Freddy with just a gun
he's a bit of a bore.
-A rappin' hip hop song
written by Dracul Van Helsing
Tuesday night, August 16th 2011
inspired by the Wes Craven
NIghtmare On Elm Street flicks.
carrying a luger
after he got his arm caught in the door
razor fingernails crushed on the floor
so now he's switched modus operandi
and after a deep whiff of brandy
he's entering nightmares once more
tallying up his score
with blood and gore
but without his trademark arm of fright
most dreamers call it a night
they've seen a gun before
mopping blood off the floor
and Freddy with just a gun
he's a bit of a bore.
-A rappin' hip hop song
written by Dracul Van Helsing
Tuesday night, August 16th 2011
inspired by the Wes Craven
NIghtmare On Elm Street flicks.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
The Marxist Werewolf and The London Riots
"So you're back in England after a few weeks in Norway?" Amadeus said as he bit into the sample of Norwegian lutefisk that Renfield had brought him.
"Yes, Scotland Yard has hired me to start interrogating some of the rioters who have been rioting the past week," said Renfield.
"London, Manchester, Bristol, Birmingham, Liverpool," Amadeus shook his head, "it's just awful. Those pics of burnt out parts of London they showed on the news last night looked like what London looked like after a night of Nazi Luftwaffe blitz bombing back during World War II."
"But it's now Renfield to the rescue," Renfield grinned.
"I wonder if there's any solid connection between these riots," Amadeus pondered.
"Well in confidential reports I've seen," Renfield noted, "apparently a wolf was seen in the vicinity shortly before each riot broke out."
"A wolf?" Amadeus was perplexed.
"Personally I think it's a werewolf," Renfield stated.
"A werewolf?" Amadeus' jaw dropped, "but the riots didn't always start right after sunset nor was there a full moon present."
"Yes, but someone who has been bitten by the ancient Hindu demon Rahu can turn into a werewolf at any time," said Renfield, "I've been having the Boss' cyborg Sophia spy on far-Left Welsh Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley and I've come to believe that this Marxist parliamentarian has been responsible for several werewolf attacks in Britain the past several months. And now he seems to be organizing riots against the British government no doubt in hopes of overthrowing our country's capitalist system."
"Wow, a Marxist werewof," Amadeus was blown away.
Renfield went over to the window and closed it since there was such a powerful breeze at the moment.
To be continued.
"Yes, Scotland Yard has hired me to start interrogating some of the rioters who have been rioting the past week," said Renfield.
"London, Manchester, Bristol, Birmingham, Liverpool," Amadeus shook his head, "it's just awful. Those pics of burnt out parts of London they showed on the news last night looked like what London looked like after a night of Nazi Luftwaffe blitz bombing back during World War II."
"But it's now Renfield to the rescue," Renfield grinned.
"I wonder if there's any solid connection between these riots," Amadeus pondered.
"Well in confidential reports I've seen," Renfield noted, "apparently a wolf was seen in the vicinity shortly before each riot broke out."
"A wolf?" Amadeus was perplexed.
"Personally I think it's a werewolf," Renfield stated.
"A werewolf?" Amadeus' jaw dropped, "but the riots didn't always start right after sunset nor was there a full moon present."
"Yes, but someone who has been bitten by the ancient Hindu demon Rahu can turn into a werewolf at any time," said Renfield, "I've been having the Boss' cyborg Sophia spy on far-Left Welsh Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley and I've come to believe that this Marxist parliamentarian has been responsible for several werewolf attacks in Britain the past several months. And now he seems to be organizing riots against the British government no doubt in hopes of overthrowing our country's capitalist system."
"Wow, a Marxist werewof," Amadeus was blown away.
Renfield went over to the window and closed it since there was such a powerful breeze at the moment.
To be continued.
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