The Most Rev. Rowan Williams the ArchDruid of Canterbuy and senior prelate of the Church of England and missing head of the worldwide global Anglican Communion had had a busy day today.
He had had waffles for breakfast, waffles for lunch and waffles for supper.
He had waffled on various moral and doctrinal issues while on a telephone conference call with U.S. Episcopalian bishops. He was applauded by the said liberal bishops for his waffling.
He had then waffled on various moral and doctrinal issues while on a telephone conference call with African Anglican bishops. He was booed by the said orthodox bishops for his waffling.
After a late night snack of waffles, he then said a waffling prayer to whom it may concern just before bedtime.
As his head hit the pillow, he reflected on how badly his ego had been bruised when His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI had invited Anglicans to join the Roman Catholic Church as wholesale communities, parishes and dioceses if they so wished and still retain many of their Anglican traditions.
As the ArchDruid continued to sulk on his bruised ego with all the passionate intensity of a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show, the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill appeared in his bedroom (seeing as how today November 30th 2009 was Winnie's 135th birthday, he had been permitted to come down from Paradise to Earth to see how the old place was doing. Needless to say, Winnie was anxious to get back to Paradise).
"Aren't you the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill?" the ArchDruid asked.
"Indeed," the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill nodded, "I'm quite anxious to get back to Paradise but before I go, it has come to my attention that apparently your ego is feeling quite bruised by the Pope's recent offer to Anglo-Catholics?".
"That's true," the ArchDruid blew his nose into his Perez Hilton monogramed handkerchief.
"Well sir, as you've no doubt read (or more likely, you no doubt haven't!), when once asked by a member of that institution known as the Press (which today has degenerated into that lavatory water closet known as the Media), what would I have done with my life if I hadn't entered politics, I replied, I most likely would have become an Anglo-Catholic priest in the Church of England serving an Anglo-Catholic C. of E. church parish as a Vicar somewhere within the hallowed realm of this blessed and sceptered isle," Churchill spoke with passion, "anyhow Mister ArchDruid Rowan (I personally think myself that other Rowan named Atkinson would have been a much better choice for Mr. Blair to have appointed as ArchBishop of Canterbury but sadly what is done can't be undone), with regard to your ego being badly bruised by His Holiness' offer to Anglo-Catholic Anglicans, let me assure you that your ego has no reason to be bruised since you have NOTHING whatsoever to be egotistical about."
And with those words, the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill vanished, leaving the ArchDruid's ego more badly bruised than ever.
* * *
The multi-millionaire (and formerly billionaire) ancient Egyptian vampire Set sat dejected in his armchair of his sitting room in his colossal London mansion.
His visit to America asking for loans from Wall Street bankers and Hollywood producers had been a flop.
There was also the humiliating spectacle of his corporate chief of security Renfield R. Renfield being beaten up by students on the UCLA campus last Tuesday.
Then there had been last Thursday's U.S. Thanksgiving Day debacle in which Renfield had performed a publicity stunt for a radio station in the City of Cincinnati using a dirigible some 1000 feet off the ground.
Renfield had told a somewhat sceptical media afterwards, "As God is my witness, I didn't know that turkeys couldn't fly."
Amadeus whispered to Set, "Seeing as how Renfield is an atheist, I don't see much sincerity in that statement."
Still what to do about his financial predicament? Set wondered.
He could always go into the City of London proper and ask the City bankers for a billion pound loan.
But he'd need a good character reference.
After all he was an ancient vampire who had been viewed as the god of evil and darkness by the ancient Egyptians (of course killing his brother Osiris and dismembering his body into 14 different parts hadn't exactly helped his reputation in that ancient civilization he had to admit).
Who among his acquaintances, Set thought to himself, would be most likely to give him an excellent character reference?
Set suddenly pounded the arm of his chair, grinned a wide and sinister vampiric grin and shouted, "Of course! My good friend the ArchDruid of Canterbury!".
To be continued.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Los Angeles Encounter
Dracul Van Helsing was walking the streets of Los Angeles with Hyung Grace Kwan.
"So this was the city where Sydney Bristow started out," Dracul surveyed the downtown.
"Umm... Sydney Bristow was not a real person, Dracul, you do know that?" Hyung looked at him.
"Yes," Dracul answered.
Dracul had been such a big fan of the TV show Alias that she had to make sure.
"That was interesting the guy who played Arvin Sloan on Alias played a shady and crooked lawyer on that episode of Nero Wolfe Mysteries we watched last night," Dracul noted, "not really much a change in character from his Arvin Sloan character."
The night before, Hyung and Dracul had watched a couple of episodes of the A&E version of Nero Wolfe Mysteries on DVD.
"Say, isn't that Renfield?" Hyung asked pointing at a High Definition flat screen TV in the window of an appliances store.
Dracul looked.
Sure enough it was Renfield.
He was dressed in the uniform of a City of Los Angeles policeman and was (according to the latest closed captioning subtitles on the screen) being beaten up by a group of UCLA students after he got a can of mace stuck in his belt which he was obviously intending to pull out and spray at the students.
"And that's Amadeus isn't it?" Hyung pointed at the screen again.
Sure enough it was Amadeus. He walked by the group of students vigourously pounding Renfield as he calmly ate a bag of salt and vinegar potato chips and joyously laughed his head off.
One of the female students who was kicking Renfield with her high-heeled shoes was dressed like Snow White since she was a member of a campus amateur theatre group that was putting on a production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
Hyung with her lip-reading skills noted that Amadeus seemed to be lip-synching the song Whistle While You Work as he watched this.
As Dracul turned the corner at the end of the block, he walked straight into... the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.
"Dracul," Qonzilqointec smiled and then embraced and kissed him.
Hyung was furious when she saw this.
"Hands off of him, you longlasting hooker of the night," she pushed the Aztec vampire princess aside.
"Did you just call me a longlasting hooker of the night?" Qonzilqointec slapped Hyung's face.
"You bitch," Hyung wrestled Qonzilqointec to the ground.
"You walking advertisement for a sexually transmitted diseases clinic," Qonzilqointec answered back with a head lock.
Dracul watched the unfolding cat fight unfold on the streets of Los Angeles as skirts and spiked stilettos started flying in every direction.
Dracul ordered a hot dog from a nearby sidewalk hot dog vendor and, after drowning the hot dog in an ocean of mustard and relish and onions, sat down on a nearby bench and watched the wrestling match as he ate.
To be continued.
"So this was the city where Sydney Bristow started out," Dracul surveyed the downtown.
"Umm... Sydney Bristow was not a real person, Dracul, you do know that?" Hyung looked at him.
"Yes," Dracul answered.
Dracul had been such a big fan of the TV show Alias that she had to make sure.
"That was interesting the guy who played Arvin Sloan on Alias played a shady and crooked lawyer on that episode of Nero Wolfe Mysteries we watched last night," Dracul noted, "not really much a change in character from his Arvin Sloan character."
The night before, Hyung and Dracul had watched a couple of episodes of the A&E version of Nero Wolfe Mysteries on DVD.
"Say, isn't that Renfield?" Hyung asked pointing at a High Definition flat screen TV in the window of an appliances store.
Dracul looked.
Sure enough it was Renfield.
He was dressed in the uniform of a City of Los Angeles policeman and was (according to the latest closed captioning subtitles on the screen) being beaten up by a group of UCLA students after he got a can of mace stuck in his belt which he was obviously intending to pull out and spray at the students.
"And that's Amadeus isn't it?" Hyung pointed at the screen again.
Sure enough it was Amadeus. He walked by the group of students vigourously pounding Renfield as he calmly ate a bag of salt and vinegar potato chips and joyously laughed his head off.
One of the female students who was kicking Renfield with her high-heeled shoes was dressed like Snow White since she was a member of a campus amateur theatre group that was putting on a production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
Hyung with her lip-reading skills noted that Amadeus seemed to be lip-synching the song Whistle While You Work as he watched this.
As Dracul turned the corner at the end of the block, he walked straight into... the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.
"Dracul," Qonzilqointec smiled and then embraced and kissed him.
Hyung was furious when she saw this.
"Hands off of him, you longlasting hooker of the night," she pushed the Aztec vampire princess aside.
"Did you just call me a longlasting hooker of the night?" Qonzilqointec slapped Hyung's face.
"You bitch," Hyung wrestled Qonzilqointec to the ground.
"You walking advertisement for a sexually transmitted diseases clinic," Qonzilqointec answered back with a head lock.
Dracul watched the unfolding cat fight unfold on the streets of Los Angeles as skirts and spiked stilettos started flying in every direction.
Dracul ordered a hot dog from a nearby sidewalk hot dog vendor and, after drowning the hot dog in an ocean of mustard and relish and onions, sat down on a nearby bench and watched the wrestling match as he ate.
To be continued.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Renfieldin' U.S.A.
Renfield's gone surfin'
surfin' U.S.A...
-The Vampire Beach Boys, 2009.
The psychopathic shapeshifter Renfield R. Renfield (who could shapeshift from human to hamster and back again) was in New York City this day November 20th, 2009.
His boss the multimillionaire (and formerly billionaire) ancient Egyptian vampire Set was in NYC this evening attending nighttime meetings with big-time bankers hoping to get a billion dollar loan.
Renfield showed up in the hotel suite dressed in the uniform of a New York City policeman.
Amadeus Emanon (another employee of Set) was on the sofa reading a Superman comic book..
"Why are you dressed like a cop?" Amadeus asked, "last week you dressed like a war veteran and now you're dressing like a cop?".
"Yes," Renfield grinned, "I was inspired by a recent news story in the American media. So I decided to dress as a cop and go down to Central Park and taser small children in the park while they played. It was great fun."
"My God," Amadeus looked shocked.
"I wish you wouldn't indulge in medieval nonsense by making references to God," Renfield snarled, "it hurts my posthumanist transhumanist sensibilities."
Then Renfield smiled again.
"I understand we're going to Los Angeles on Monday because the boss is hoping to get money out of a big-time Hollywood producer," the shapeshifter smirked, "so come this Monday, I'll dress up as a City of Los Angeles policeman and go down to the UCLA campus and spray mace in the faces of various members of the student body there."
Renfield whistled to himself the tune Whistle While You Work from the classic Disney film Snow White and The Seven Dwarves as he removed the taser from his belt.
To be continued.
surfin' U.S.A...
-The Vampire Beach Boys, 2009.
The psychopathic shapeshifter Renfield R. Renfield (who could shapeshift from human to hamster and back again) was in New York City this day November 20th, 2009.
His boss the multimillionaire (and formerly billionaire) ancient Egyptian vampire Set was in NYC this evening attending nighttime meetings with big-time bankers hoping to get a billion dollar loan.
Renfield showed up in the hotel suite dressed in the uniform of a New York City policeman.
Amadeus Emanon (another employee of Set) was on the sofa reading a Superman comic book..
"Why are you dressed like a cop?" Amadeus asked, "last week you dressed like a war veteran and now you're dressing like a cop?".
"Yes," Renfield grinned, "I was inspired by a recent news story in the American media. So I decided to dress as a cop and go down to Central Park and taser small children in the park while they played. It was great fun."
"My God," Amadeus looked shocked.
"I wish you wouldn't indulge in medieval nonsense by making references to God," Renfield snarled, "it hurts my posthumanist transhumanist sensibilities."
Then Renfield smiled again.
"I understand we're going to Los Angeles on Monday because the boss is hoping to get money out of a big-time Hollywood producer," the shapeshifter smirked, "so come this Monday, I'll dress up as a City of Los Angeles policeman and go down to the UCLA campus and spray mace in the faces of various members of the student body there."
Renfield whistled to himself the tune Whistle While You Work from the classic Disney film Snow White and The Seven Dwarves as he removed the taser from his belt.
To be continued.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Saint Wenceslas Square, Prague
The name on the passport said Christopher Dracul Nicholas Alexander Constantine Van Helsing.
"It must take you a while to write your name on documents if writing your full name is required," the Czech customs agent at Prague International Airport smiled at the Canadian vampire hunter.
Dracul nodded and smiled, "Yes, I often get writer's cramp just writing my full name."
As Dracul left the Customs area, he thought of how Czech customs agents seemed to be a lot more pleasant than Canadian customs agents and border guards.
Most of them acted as if they'd been suffering from constipation for the past 6 years.
One female Canadian border guard he and his father had encountered once on the Alberta-Montana Canada-US border had obviously suffered from the worst case of PMS in all recorded history (which was quite a major accomplishment for someone who was obviously such an ugly looking post-menopausal hag).
Dracul was to meet his associate the South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan in Saint Wenceslas Square.
Tonight was the 20th anniversary of the Velvet Revolution which took place in Wenceslas Square back in 1989 and which saw the Communist government of Czechoslovakia toppled without bloodshed and replaced by a non-Communist government headed by Czech playwright Vaclav Havel who became the country's new President.
The Czech Republic's current President Vaclav Klaus had asked Hyung and Dracul to be in the Square to prevent any possible trouble from supernatural creatures to disrupt the celebrations.
At last week's 20th Anniversary celebrations of the Fall of the Berlin Wall, Stalin's zombie corpse had shown up as an uninvited guest at a commemorative Berlin banquet.
And vampire Lev Tomi the Secretary of the UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change (who in his mortal life had been Leon Trotsky prior to being turned into a vampire in Mexico City in 1940 by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec as he lay dying from an ice pick's blow to the head) might drop in just to annoy Czech President Vaclav Klaus since Klaus had once said, "Global warming is a myth and I think that every serious person and scientist says so."
Klaus was a vigorous opponent of the Copenhagen Treaty and had been a vigorous opponent of the Lisbon Treaty on closer EU integration refusing to sign it until Germany and France had threatened to put the screws on his country until he did so.
And of course if both Stalin the zombie and Trotsky the vampire showed up in Wenceslas Square, there was no telling what damage might be done if an Undead version of WWE Wrestling were to take place.
Fortunately for the state of tranquility in Wenceslas Square, Stalin the zombie was currently on an enthusiastic tour of Amsterdam's red light district saying, "Being a Red, I like anything red."
As for Lev Tomi (the vampire formerly known as the mortal Leon Trotsky), he was currently overdosing on egg rolls and chicken friend rice in Beijing in a desperate attempt to get China's government to sign on to the Copenhagen Treaty.
So Dracul and Hyung just enjoyed the night and the celebrations.
"You look beautiful in that red dress," Dracul said to Hyung.
"Thanks," Hyung smiled.
And so passed the 20th Anniversary celebrations of the Velvet Revolution in Wenceslas Square.
And so on this November 17th, the Feast Day of Saint Elizabeth of Hungary, a moment of joy and celebration in the history of Central and Eastern Europe.
To be continued.
"It must take you a while to write your name on documents if writing your full name is required," the Czech customs agent at Prague International Airport smiled at the Canadian vampire hunter.
Dracul nodded and smiled, "Yes, I often get writer's cramp just writing my full name."
As Dracul left the Customs area, he thought of how Czech customs agents seemed to be a lot more pleasant than Canadian customs agents and border guards.
Most of them acted as if they'd been suffering from constipation for the past 6 years.
One female Canadian border guard he and his father had encountered once on the Alberta-Montana Canada-US border had obviously suffered from the worst case of PMS in all recorded history (which was quite a major accomplishment for someone who was obviously such an ugly looking post-menopausal hag).
Dracul was to meet his associate the South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan in Saint Wenceslas Square.
Tonight was the 20th anniversary of the Velvet Revolution which took place in Wenceslas Square back in 1989 and which saw the Communist government of Czechoslovakia toppled without bloodshed and replaced by a non-Communist government headed by Czech playwright Vaclav Havel who became the country's new President.
The Czech Republic's current President Vaclav Klaus had asked Hyung and Dracul to be in the Square to prevent any possible trouble from supernatural creatures to disrupt the celebrations.
At last week's 20th Anniversary celebrations of the Fall of the Berlin Wall, Stalin's zombie corpse had shown up as an uninvited guest at a commemorative Berlin banquet.
And vampire Lev Tomi the Secretary of the UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change (who in his mortal life had been Leon Trotsky prior to being turned into a vampire in Mexico City in 1940 by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec as he lay dying from an ice pick's blow to the head) might drop in just to annoy Czech President Vaclav Klaus since Klaus had once said, "Global warming is a myth and I think that every serious person and scientist says so."
Klaus was a vigorous opponent of the Copenhagen Treaty and had been a vigorous opponent of the Lisbon Treaty on closer EU integration refusing to sign it until Germany and France had threatened to put the screws on his country until he did so.
And of course if both Stalin the zombie and Trotsky the vampire showed up in Wenceslas Square, there was no telling what damage might be done if an Undead version of WWE Wrestling were to take place.
Fortunately for the state of tranquility in Wenceslas Square, Stalin the zombie was currently on an enthusiastic tour of Amsterdam's red light district saying, "Being a Red, I like anything red."
As for Lev Tomi (the vampire formerly known as the mortal Leon Trotsky), he was currently overdosing on egg rolls and chicken friend rice in Beijing in a desperate attempt to get China's government to sign on to the Copenhagen Treaty.
So Dracul and Hyung just enjoyed the night and the celebrations.
"You look beautiful in that red dress," Dracul said to Hyung.
"Thanks," Hyung smiled.
And so passed the 20th Anniversary celebrations of the Velvet Revolution in Wenceslas Square.
And so on this November 17th, the Feast Day of Saint Elizabeth of Hungary, a moment of joy and celebration in the history of Central and Eastern Europe.
To be continued.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Amadeus' Practical Joke
For the past 2 days, Renfield R. Renfield had continuously and nauseatingly guffawed about the fact he had pulled a tremendous practical joke on the day of the 20th Anniversary celebrations of the Fall of the Berlin Wall by bringing Soviet dictator Josef Stalin back from the dead and letting him lose at the 20th Anniversary celebration dinner in Berlin.
Amadeus Emanon was getting positively sick of it.
This morning, Amandeus noticed Renfield was dressed in a British Army uniform and wearing a whole bunch of medals for bravery.
"What's that?" Amadeus asked.
"These are the clothes I'm wearing for walking in today's Armistice Day Veterans Parade in London," Renfield grinned.
"But you've never served in any war in your entire life," Amadeus protested.
"Since when has not doing something ever stopped me from doing something else?" Renfield smiled, "oh by the way, can you do me a favour and phone information and ask them in which part of London the parade route starts?".
Renfield went to brush his teeth while Amadeus picked up the phone.
"I'm calling about the parade," Amadeus said, "which parade? well..."
Amadeus chatted on the phone with the Information operator for a while and then put the phone down while having a huge smile on his face.
"Did you find out what street the parade route is starting so I can be there dressed in all my full glory?" Renfield asked.
"Oh, yes, I did," Amadeus smiled an even wider smile.
* * *
Evening, London, November 11th, 2009.
Renfield R. Renfield, Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont the famous vampiress singer from New Orleans are sitting in a karaoke bar in central London.
Amadeus and Angelique are smiling and laughing and having fun while Renfield sits there looking like he's in a state of shock.
"I'm sure," Angelique spoke to Renfield, "that Amadeus didn't intentionally direct you to the start of that Gay Pride Coming Out Parade. How was Amadeus to know that there was more than one parade going on in London today?".
Renfield snorted but said nothing.
"Anyhow," Angelique smiled and threw back her hair over the back of her evening dress, "it's your turn to go up to the microphone. I've told the m.c. that you're going to sing for everyone that old Beatles song Yesterday."
In zombie-like fashion, Renfield strolled up to the microphone.
He began singing (apparently his own version of the Beatles song Yesterday):
Yesterday,
all the sodomites seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Amadeus from his table in the audience broke into the second stanza,
Suddenly,
You're not half the man you used to be...
To be continued.
Amadeus Emanon was getting positively sick of it.
This morning, Amandeus noticed Renfield was dressed in a British Army uniform and wearing a whole bunch of medals for bravery.
"What's that?" Amadeus asked.
"These are the clothes I'm wearing for walking in today's Armistice Day Veterans Parade in London," Renfield grinned.
"But you've never served in any war in your entire life," Amadeus protested.
"Since when has not doing something ever stopped me from doing something else?" Renfield smiled, "oh by the way, can you do me a favour and phone information and ask them in which part of London the parade route starts?".
Renfield went to brush his teeth while Amadeus picked up the phone.
"I'm calling about the parade," Amadeus said, "which parade? well..."
Amadeus chatted on the phone with the Information operator for a while and then put the phone down while having a huge smile on his face.
"Did you find out what street the parade route is starting so I can be there dressed in all my full glory?" Renfield asked.
"Oh, yes, I did," Amadeus smiled an even wider smile.
* * *
Evening, London, November 11th, 2009.
Renfield R. Renfield, Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont the famous vampiress singer from New Orleans are sitting in a karaoke bar in central London.
Amadeus and Angelique are smiling and laughing and having fun while Renfield sits there looking like he's in a state of shock.
"I'm sure," Angelique spoke to Renfield, "that Amadeus didn't intentionally direct you to the start of that Gay Pride Coming Out Parade. How was Amadeus to know that there was more than one parade going on in London today?".
Renfield snorted but said nothing.
"Anyhow," Angelique smiled and threw back her hair over the back of her evening dress, "it's your turn to go up to the microphone. I've told the m.c. that you're going to sing for everyone that old Beatles song Yesterday."
In zombie-like fashion, Renfield strolled up to the microphone.
He began singing (apparently his own version of the Beatles song Yesterday):
Yesterday,
all the sodomites seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Amadeus from his table in the audience broke into the second stanza,
Suddenly,
You're not half the man you used to be...
To be continued.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Stalin's Zombie and The Berlin Wall
Amadeus Emanon addressed Renfield R. Renfield, "I heard you won a million dollars U.S. this past weekend on one of the televised poker games which passes for sports on some of the TV sports channels these days?".
"That's right, I did," Renfield R. Renfield smiled which was something the psychopathic shapeshifting hamster/human rarely did.
"Are you planning to use the money to help out around here financially?" Amadeus asked.
"Of course not," Renfield replied, "I did it to answer one of your taunts. You're always telling me that I lack a sense of humour. So I decided to do a good practical joke. But in order to do it, I needed a million dollars. So I figured winning at a poker match, I'd be able to come up with a cool million."
"i didn't know you were a good poker player," Amadeus looked quizzical.
"I'm not," Renfield replied, "but I am a good cheater."
"So why did you need a million dollars to go forth with a practical joke?" Amadeus still didn't understand.
"That's the fee South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo charges to raise somebody from the dead," Renfield grinned, "Seeing as how today is the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, I thought it would be neat to have Josef Stalin's corpse raised from the dead with Stalin's ghost possessing the body and fly the said corpse to Berlin for tonight's 20th anniversary dinner celebrations."
* * *
Germany's most famous Elvis impersonator O. Vider Zing was the master of ceremonies at the 20th anniversary dinner in Berlin.
Dressed in his best diamond studded white Elvis suit and looking the spitting image of the overweight Elvis (all those heavy German sausages and buckets of sour kraut helped contribute to the look), O. Vider Zing said to the crowd, "Why thank you. Thank you very much."
With his Heartbreak Hotel rendition and his heartburn behind him, O. Vider Zing proceeded to introduce the most important guests at the main table.
"Ladies and gentlemen, here are the 3 people most responsible for the dismantling of the Berlin Wall," O. Vider Zing pointed, "first we have former U.S. President George Bush Sr..."
President Bush stood up to take a bow and was greeted with boos and cries of "Why didn't you and your wife practise birth control?".
"... next we have former West German Chancellor Helmut Kohl who was to become the first Chancellor of a post-WWII united Germany..."
Chancellor Kohl stood up to take a bow and was greeted with cheers and cries of "You look so much prettier and more feminine looking than current Chancellor Angela Merkel..."
"And finally, we have the man who brought us glasnost and perestroika and the dismantling of the Berlin Wall," O. Vider Zing pointed, "former Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev."
President Gorbachev stood up to take a bow and was greeted with cheers and cries of "Those were the days when people actually did something first before winning the Nobel Peace Prize..."
As President Gorbachev went up to speak at the microphone, he was rudely pushed aside by the corpse of former Soviet dictator Josef Stalin who acted with all the rudeness of a Kanye West at a Music Video Awards evening.
"I created the best political/economic system ever," Stalin screamed, "and look what you did to it? Now I know the Berlin Wall was erected after I kicked the bucket but Leonid Brezhnev told me all about it when he arrived in Hell. I must protest this celebration. I must protest this evening..."
O. Vider Zing was wondering what he could do to save the evening when his luscious blonde leather mini skirted dominatrix girlfriend Helga suggested that he show Stalin a copy of the power accorded to the unelected Brussels bureaucrats under the terms of the new Lisbon Treaty to take effect this coming December 1st.
As soon as Stalin looked at the terms of the treaty, he said, "What the fuck?..."
"That's WTF in this century," Helga shouted at him, "Just because you've been dead for the last 56 years is no excuse for not keeping up with the times."
"WTF," Stalin obeyed the blonde leather mini skirted dominatrix, "Marxism has triumphed after all. But despite that.. I'm still sad. That bastard Leon Trotsky was right. He said we needed a United States of Europe first before Communism could triumph in Europe. And then he said a United States of Europe would lead to a United States of The World where Communism would triumph everywhere. Today, the United States of Europe.. tomorrow? or when? the United States of the World?..."
"Wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen," O. Vider Zing started to sing the song from that old 1950s Danny Kaye movie Hans Christian Andersen while Al Gore looked at his copy of the coming treaty on Climate Change...
To be continued.
"That's right, I did," Renfield R. Renfield smiled which was something the psychopathic shapeshifting hamster/human rarely did.
"Are you planning to use the money to help out around here financially?" Amadeus asked.
"Of course not," Renfield replied, "I did it to answer one of your taunts. You're always telling me that I lack a sense of humour. So I decided to do a good practical joke. But in order to do it, I needed a million dollars. So I figured winning at a poker match, I'd be able to come up with a cool million."
"i didn't know you were a good poker player," Amadeus looked quizzical.
"I'm not," Renfield replied, "but I am a good cheater."
"So why did you need a million dollars to go forth with a practical joke?" Amadeus still didn't understand.
"That's the fee South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo charges to raise somebody from the dead," Renfield grinned, "Seeing as how today is the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, I thought it would be neat to have Josef Stalin's corpse raised from the dead with Stalin's ghost possessing the body and fly the said corpse to Berlin for tonight's 20th anniversary dinner celebrations."
* * *
Germany's most famous Elvis impersonator O. Vider Zing was the master of ceremonies at the 20th anniversary dinner in Berlin.
Dressed in his best diamond studded white Elvis suit and looking the spitting image of the overweight Elvis (all those heavy German sausages and buckets of sour kraut helped contribute to the look), O. Vider Zing said to the crowd, "Why thank you. Thank you very much."
With his Heartbreak Hotel rendition and his heartburn behind him, O. Vider Zing proceeded to introduce the most important guests at the main table.
"Ladies and gentlemen, here are the 3 people most responsible for the dismantling of the Berlin Wall," O. Vider Zing pointed, "first we have former U.S. President George Bush Sr..."
President Bush stood up to take a bow and was greeted with boos and cries of "Why didn't you and your wife practise birth control?".
"... next we have former West German Chancellor Helmut Kohl who was to become the first Chancellor of a post-WWII united Germany..."
Chancellor Kohl stood up to take a bow and was greeted with cheers and cries of "You look so much prettier and more feminine looking than current Chancellor Angela Merkel..."
"And finally, we have the man who brought us glasnost and perestroika and the dismantling of the Berlin Wall," O. Vider Zing pointed, "former Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev."
President Gorbachev stood up to take a bow and was greeted with cheers and cries of "Those were the days when people actually did something first before winning the Nobel Peace Prize..."
As President Gorbachev went up to speak at the microphone, he was rudely pushed aside by the corpse of former Soviet dictator Josef Stalin who acted with all the rudeness of a Kanye West at a Music Video Awards evening.
"I created the best political/economic system ever," Stalin screamed, "and look what you did to it? Now I know the Berlin Wall was erected after I kicked the bucket but Leonid Brezhnev told me all about it when he arrived in Hell. I must protest this celebration. I must protest this evening..."
O. Vider Zing was wondering what he could do to save the evening when his luscious blonde leather mini skirted dominatrix girlfriend Helga suggested that he show Stalin a copy of the power accorded to the unelected Brussels bureaucrats under the terms of the new Lisbon Treaty to take effect this coming December 1st.
As soon as Stalin looked at the terms of the treaty, he said, "What the fuck?..."
"That's WTF in this century," Helga shouted at him, "Just because you've been dead for the last 56 years is no excuse for not keeping up with the times."
"WTF," Stalin obeyed the blonde leather mini skirted dominatrix, "Marxism has triumphed after all. But despite that.. I'm still sad. That bastard Leon Trotsky was right. He said we needed a United States of Europe first before Communism could triumph in Europe. And then he said a United States of Europe would lead to a United States of The World where Communism would triumph everywhere. Today, the United States of Europe.. tomorrow? or when? the United States of the World?..."
"Wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen," O. Vider Zing started to sing the song from that old 1950s Danny Kaye movie Hans Christian Andersen while Al Gore looked at his copy of the coming treaty on Climate Change...
To be continued.
Monday, November 2, 2009
The Ashes of Doctor Faust
United States President Barack Obama had an interesting situation under his radar for almost the past month.
A situation that had not been revealed to the general public.
Last month on the Moonlight Bunny Ranch in Nevada, an over 500 year old man had been set on fire and burnt to a crisp in one of the rooms.
The man was none other than Doctor Johann Georg Faust the famous Renaissance alchemist who was reputed to have sold his soul to the Devil.
The ashes of Doctor Faust had at first been delivered to a Las Vegas City police lab so the Las Vegas County coroner could indeed determine that Doctor Faust was in fact dead.
After the Las Vegas County coroner made the brilliant deduction that Doctor Faust was in fact dead (his body having been reduced to total ashes), the ashes were then taken to the FBI Crime Lab in Virginia to await further analysis.
Various scientists throughout the world who were into immortality research were demanding to study the ashes and their DNA composition to determine how a person could live so long.
The Chinese government in Beijing were demanding the ashes as payment for helping to keep the U.S. dollar afloat.
The Russians were demanding the ashes because Vladimir Putin thought the urn containing the ashes would look nice on the neo-Byzantine style coffee table in his office.
And some eccentric agent at Interpol by the name of Peter Whitstable was wanting the ashes to examine them for possible supernatural influences.
President Obama was unsure what to do about the ashes.
Just as he as unsure about the direction Health Care reform would take.
Just as he was unsure whether today he'd be labelled a Nazi fascist or a Marxist Communist by the same gang of vociferous critics who kept changing the political labels for him every other day.
The phone rang on his Oval Office desk.
"I hope that's not Michelle asking me to take out the garbage again," the President nervously reached for the phone.
He breathed a sigh of relief.
It was one of his national security advisors phoning about a national security emergency.
"The ashes of Doctor Faust have been stolen from the Arlington, Virginia FBI Crime Lab," his advisor informed him.
"How did that happen?" the President asked.
"Believe it or not, sir, a rat broke into the lab and stole it," his advisor replied.
"How did the CEO of a Health Management Organization manage to get into the Arlington crime lab?" Obama asked.
"No, sir, this was a real rat," his advisor explained, "at least a rodent of some sort. Possibly a mouse, maybe gerbil or even hamster."
"Hamster?" the President sounded incredulous.
* * *
Meanwhile in London, England at the colossal home of the multi-millionaire (and formerly billionaire) ancient Egyptian vampire Set, Renfield R. Renfield the shapeshifting hamster/human who was Chief of Security and Espionage for Set Enterprises gazed at the urn on the vampire's mantelpiece.
"The lab at Set Enterprises shall examine these ashes and see what profitable use can be made of them," Renfield smiled, "Perhaps this will be what my boss needs to make him a billionaire again. And we'll be back to the way things were before last autumn's global economic meltdown."
To be continued.
A situation that had not been revealed to the general public.
Last month on the Moonlight Bunny Ranch in Nevada, an over 500 year old man had been set on fire and burnt to a crisp in one of the rooms.
The man was none other than Doctor Johann Georg Faust the famous Renaissance alchemist who was reputed to have sold his soul to the Devil.
The ashes of Doctor Faust had at first been delivered to a Las Vegas City police lab so the Las Vegas County coroner could indeed determine that Doctor Faust was in fact dead.
After the Las Vegas County coroner made the brilliant deduction that Doctor Faust was in fact dead (his body having been reduced to total ashes), the ashes were then taken to the FBI Crime Lab in Virginia to await further analysis.
Various scientists throughout the world who were into immortality research were demanding to study the ashes and their DNA composition to determine how a person could live so long.
The Chinese government in Beijing were demanding the ashes as payment for helping to keep the U.S. dollar afloat.
The Russians were demanding the ashes because Vladimir Putin thought the urn containing the ashes would look nice on the neo-Byzantine style coffee table in his office.
And some eccentric agent at Interpol by the name of Peter Whitstable was wanting the ashes to examine them for possible supernatural influences.
President Obama was unsure what to do about the ashes.
Just as he as unsure about the direction Health Care reform would take.
Just as he was unsure whether today he'd be labelled a Nazi fascist or a Marxist Communist by the same gang of vociferous critics who kept changing the political labels for him every other day.
The phone rang on his Oval Office desk.
"I hope that's not Michelle asking me to take out the garbage again," the President nervously reached for the phone.
He breathed a sigh of relief.
It was one of his national security advisors phoning about a national security emergency.
"The ashes of Doctor Faust have been stolen from the Arlington, Virginia FBI Crime Lab," his advisor informed him.
"How did that happen?" the President asked.
"Believe it or not, sir, a rat broke into the lab and stole it," his advisor replied.
"How did the CEO of a Health Management Organization manage to get into the Arlington crime lab?" Obama asked.
"No, sir, this was a real rat," his advisor explained, "at least a rodent of some sort. Possibly a mouse, maybe gerbil or even hamster."
"Hamster?" the President sounded incredulous.
* * *
Meanwhile in London, England at the colossal home of the multi-millionaire (and formerly billionaire) ancient Egyptian vampire Set, Renfield R. Renfield the shapeshifting hamster/human who was Chief of Security and Espionage for Set Enterprises gazed at the urn on the vampire's mantelpiece.
"The lab at Set Enterprises shall examine these ashes and see what profitable use can be made of them," Renfield smiled, "Perhaps this will be what my boss needs to make him a billionaire again. And we'll be back to the way things were before last autumn's global economic meltdown."
To be continued.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)