The Waffling ArchDruid of Canterbury

The Most Rev. Rowan Williams the ArchDruid of Canterbuy and senior prelate of the Church of England and missing head of the worldwide global Anglican Communion had had a busy day today.

He had had waffles for breakfast, waffles for lunch and waffles for supper.

He had waffled on various moral and doctrinal issues while on a telephone conference call with U.S. Episcopalian bishops. He was applauded by the said liberal bishops for his waffling.

He had then waffled on various moral and doctrinal issues while on a telephone conference call with African Anglican bishops. He was booed by the said orthodox bishops for his waffling.

After a late night snack of waffles, he then said a waffling prayer to whom it may concern just before bedtime.

As his head hit the pillow, he reflected on how badly his ego had been bruised when His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI had invited Anglicans to join the Roman Catholic Church as wholesale communities, parishes and dioceses if they so wished and still retain many of their Anglican traditions.

As the ArchDruid continued to sulk on his bruised ego with all the passionate intensity of a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show, the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill appeared in his bedroom (seeing as how today November 30th 2009 was Winnie's 135th birthday, he had been permitted to come down from Paradise to Earth to see how the old place was doing. Needless to say, Winnie was anxious to get back to Paradise).

"Aren't you the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill?" the ArchDruid asked.

"Indeed," the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill nodded, "I'm quite anxious to get back to Paradise but before I go, it has come to my attention that apparently your ego is feeling quite bruised by the Pope's recent offer to Anglo-Catholics?".

"That's true," the ArchDruid blew his nose into his Perez Hilton monogramed handkerchief.

"Well sir, as you've no doubt read (or more likely, you no doubt haven't!), when once asked by a member of that institution known as the Press (which today has degenerated into that lavatory water closet known as the Media), what would I have done with my life if I hadn't entered politics, I replied, I most likely would have become an Anglo-Catholic priest in the Church of England serving an Anglo-Catholic C. of E. church parish as a Vicar somewhere within the hallowed realm of this blessed and sceptered isle," Churchill spoke with passion, "anyhow Mister ArchDruid Rowan (I personally think myself that other Rowan named Atkinson would have been a much better choice for Mr. Blair to have appointed as ArchBishop of Canterbury but sadly what is done can't be undone), with regard to your ego being badly bruised by His Holiness' offer to Anglo-Catholic Anglicans, let me assure you that your ego has no reason to be bruised since you have NOTHING whatsoever to be egotistical about."

And with those words, the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill vanished, leaving the ArchDruid's ego more badly bruised than ever.


* * *





The multi-millionaire (and formerly billionaire) ancient Egyptian vampire Set sat dejected in his armchair of his sitting room in his colossal London mansion.

His visit to America asking for loans from Wall Street bankers and Hollywood producers had been a flop.

There was also the humiliating spectacle of his corporate chief of security Renfield R. Renfield being beaten up by students on the UCLA campus last Tuesday.

Then there had been last Thursday's U.S. Thanksgiving Day debacle in which Renfield had performed a publicity stunt for a radio station in the City of Cincinnati using a dirigible some 1000 feet off the ground.

Renfield had told a somewhat sceptical media afterwards, "As God is my witness, I didn't know that turkeys couldn't fly."


Amadeus whispered to Set, "Seeing as how Renfield is an atheist, I don't see much sincerity in that statement."


Still what to do about his financial predicament? Set wondered.

He could always go into the City of London proper and ask the City bankers for a billion pound loan.

But he'd need a good character reference.

After all he was an ancient vampire who had been viewed as the god of evil and darkness by the ancient Egyptians (of course killing his brother Osiris and dismembering his body into 14 different parts hadn't exactly helped his reputation in that ancient civilization he had to admit).

Who among his acquaintances, Set thought to himself, would be most likely to give him an excellent character reference?

Set suddenly pounded the arm of his chair, grinned a wide and sinister vampiric grin and shouted, "Of course! My good friend the ArchDruid of Canterbury!".


To be continued.