Friday, November 29, 2013

Haiku About Possible Sarajevo 1914 Like Incident In World of Late 2013

Haiku About Possible Sarajevo 1914 Like Incident In Today's World Of Late 2013




Pilot strays through new
air defense zone of China
World War III begins


Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Cardinal JM In Jerusalem

Cardinal  JM In Jerusalem


The Cardinal known as JM was in Jerusalem.

The Cardinal was a secret worshipper of the Ancient Greek gods Zeus and Apollo.


He was accompanied by his secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe.


They were standing in front of the al-Aqsa Mosque on the Temple Mount.

They had managed to sneak past both Israeli soldiers and the Islamic waqf's security guards.



Cardinal JM carried a small statue of the Greek god Zeus and an incense burner.


Father Wardenclyffe carried a knife and a small pig.


Cardinal JM placed the statue of Zeus in front of the al-Aqsa Mosque.

He then placed the incense burner in front of the statue and lit it.


Cardinal JM then held the pig while Father Wardenclyffe slit the pig's throat.

The blood fell to the ground in front of the statue of Zeus.


Cardinal JM intoned, "Oh Great Zeus as your beloved servant Antiochus Epiphanes did in days of old, I consecrate this area and this Mount to your service...



To be continued.



-A vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 Tuesday November 26th
  2013.


Saturday, November 16, 2013

Michelangelo's Psychic Transmission From Sometime In The Future

Michelangelo's Psychic Transmission From Sometime In The Future



Renfield  R.  Renfield was down at the Set Enterprises Lab once again working with Michelangelo the genetically created psychic lobster.


Set Enterprises' chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher was on hand as was Amadeus Emanon who just went along with Renfield for the ride.  


Dr. Cadbury Rocher was Michelangelo's proud creator.

Michelangelo had the ability to enter people's dreams and tell what they were dreaming.


He had also on a couple of occasions managed to pick up on his lobster antennae radio news transmissions from the future.

His antennae which were hooked up to a computer broadcast the radio news stories aloud for Renfield and Amadeus to hear.


Renfield decided to pass the time today by seeing if Michelangelo could pick up another radio news transmission from the future.


"I  think something is coming in now," Dr. Rocher smiled.


Renfield turned up the audio on the computer.



"This just in.  Today in a Toronto city  council meeting, a Toronto city councillor posed Toronto Mayor Rob Ford the question, "Have you ever killed anyone?"  to which Mayor Ford replied,  "Yes, I have killed someone."


The admission sent gasps of astonishment throughout council chambers.


There were further calls for the Mayor to resign.


The Premier of Ontario described the Mayor's actions as "inappropriate and unacceptable for a public official".

The Chief of Toronto Police was asked at a press conference if Toronto police would pursue criminal charges against Mayor Ford over his latest admission of wrongdoing.


The Chief replied that it would probably take Toronto police another 20 years to investigate the matter before the possibility of laying criminal charges might come up.




Meanwhile in the Canadian House of Commons, Canadian Liberal Party Leader Justin Trudeau called on the Stephen Harper government to exhume the body of Toronto Police Detective Inspector William Murdoch (the subject of CBC's popular Murdoch Mysteries TV Show) and bring in a Haitian or New Orleans voodoo witch doctor to re-animate the corpse so "that the good citizens of Toronto will finally have a policeman capable of pursuing criminal charges against this nefarious individual."


When he sat down, a fellow Liberal MP whispered to Mr. Trudeau that CBC's Murdoch Mysteries was "in fact a fictional TV series and there was no such real historical personage as Toronto Police Detective William Murdoch."


Mr. Trudeau immediately leapt to his feet,  "Mr. Speaker, due to new information I just received,  I retract the request..."




To be continued.





-A vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 Friday November 15th
 2013.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Pan Goatee and The Hara Kiri Lesson

Pan Goatee and the Hara Kiri Lesson



Pan Goatee and CIA Agent Bob Belfor were ordered by their superiors in Washington to see if they could psychologically coerce one of their Pakistani Taliban prisoners to commit suicide.


Hara Kiri was the method Bob Belfor suggested after he had spent a night masturbating over Japanese made samurai films.


Belfor had a thing for men dressed in Japanese armour.


Pan Goatee in checking the backgrounds of the Taliban  prisoners  noticed that one of the men was a Canadian citizen born and raised in the Canadian province of Saskatchewan.


He left Saskatchewan at the age of 21 to join the Taliban after he had noticed an employment opportunity ad placed by them in the Regina Leader Post newspaper.


Pan Goatee placed the man in a cell which had both a large projection screen and also a mat on which was placed a Hara Kiri knife.


Pan Goatee closed the door and then ordered the projectionist to start running a series of videos that Pan had ordered.


The videos showed the last few minutes of every football game that the Saskatchewan Roughriders CFL Football Team had lost in their entire history.

Pan Goatee deduced that even though the man was Muslim because he was born and raised in the province of Saskatchewan, he would probably have the same fanatical devotion and love for the Saskatchewan Roughriders Football Team (equal in intensity and zeal to that of any fanatical Islamist zealot) as any other person born and raised in the province of Saskatchewan.


Saskatchewan's devotion and worship of their CFL Football team was so fanatically intense that every other Canadian in other provinces referred to Saskatchewan by the nickname Rider Nation.


At first Bob Belfor doubted Pan Goatee's reasoning.


But they soon heard wild penetrating screams coming from the man's cell.


"Good God!" Belfor exclaimed, "The man must surely be disemboweling himself."



They ran into the room only to see the man not disemboweling himself but screaming over the fact that Saskatchewan had lost the CFL Western Conference Championship to the Calgary Stampeders in the last few seconds of the game due to the fact Saskatchewan was penalized in a last minute penalty for stupidly having too many men on the field.


They closed the door.


They listened.


There was a strange rattling sound.


What was that rattling?


They opened the door.


It was the sound of the man's death rattle.

He had finally picked up the Hara Kiri knife and disemboweled himself.


"He was a lot quieter over his disemboweling than he was over the fact that the Roughriders had lost that game," Belfor stated.


"Just goes to show I'm right," Pan Goatee grinned,  "you can take the terrorist out of Saskatchewan but you can't take Saskatchewan out of the terrorist."





To be continued.




-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 12th
 2013



Monday, November 11, 2013

Pan Goatee's Music Video


Pan Goatee's Music Video


Pan Goatee decided to make a music video of his next round of torture and killings of Pakistani Taliban prisoners.

In this, he was assisted by CIA Agent Bob Belfor.

In the video, Pan Goatee was formally dressed in a suit and tux and bow tie and carrying a top hat and a cane.

As well as a large knife.

Pan Goatee (singing):   If you're blue (pulls up a Taliban prisoner's head he's been holding under water) and you don't know where to go to

why don't you go to where fashion sits 
(sits the prisoner down on a chair of razor sharp spikes)
Puttin' on the Ritz
(cuts off the prisoner's finger and puts it on a Ritz cracker along with a slice of cheese and eats it)

Different types who wear a day coat pants 
with stripes and cutaway
coat perfect fits

(cuts off another Taliban prisoner's arms and legs so he can fit into the boy sized day coat pants with stripes and cutaway coat that Bob Belfor is trying to fit him into)


Puttin' on the Ritz
(cuts off another Taliban prisoner's finger and puts it on a Ritz cracker with a slice of cheese and eats it)

Dressed up like a million-dollar trooper
(puts another Taliban prisoner into a large suitcase of U.S. money that totalled one million dollars and poured gasoline all over the money and the prisoner and set fire to it- since this was taxpayers' money that the CIA had to burn)


Tryin' hard to look like Gary Cooper (super dooper!)

(performs plastic surgery on another Taliban prisoner with his knife and without the use of anesthetic trying to see if he can get him to look like Gary Cooper but when he fails, he cuts off the man's head and kicks it away in disgust)


Come let's mix where Rockefellers
(glues a death mask of the late former U.S. Vice-President Nelson Rockefeller to another Taliban prisoner's face)
walk with sticks
(cuts off the man's legs and then glues sticks to his upper body)
or um-ber-ellas 
in their mitts
(cuts off the man's hands and glues umbrellas to the arms of where they used to be and then tries to fit mitts on them)

Puttin' on the Ritz 
(cuts off the finger of yet another Taliban prisoner and then puts it on a Ritz cracker with a slice of cheese and eats it)


Have you seen the well-to-do
on Park Avenue
On that famous thoroughfare
with their noses in the air...

(cuts off a whole bunch of Taliban prisoners' noses and then juggles them in the air)

Camera closes in on Bob Belfor giving Pan Goatee a standing ovation for his new interpretation of the Fred Astaire-Taco song.







To be continued.




-A vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 Monday November 11th 
 2013.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Pan Goatee's Torture Test

Pan Goatee's Torture Test



Serial killer and hired U. S. government assassin Pan Goatee was asked by high-ranking officials at the NSA to astral project to Pakistan to interrogate a Taliban official  Shaheen Fazlullah  who had been captured by CIA officials in Pakistan.

Pan Goatee's past experience had actually been quick decapitations and quick bodily dismemberments.

He had never really done a slow torturous death before.


But he was given a book to read called How To Apply A Slow Torturous Death written by one Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.



In addition he also watched a video where Rob Ford the Mayor of the City of Toronto, Ontario, Canada threatened to kill someone before poking out his eyes and ripping out their throat first.



With these delightful lessons behind him, Pan Goatee astral projected to Pakistan.




                      .          .            .





Pan Goatee was greeted by the CIA agent in charge of the operation Bob Belfor.


"Nice to meet you, Mr. Belfor,"  Pan Goatee shook his hand, "what did you do for the Agency before capturing Taliban scumbags?".


"I worked in property restoration,"  Bob Belfor answered, "if a home or business suffered a flood or fire or some other form of disaster or calamity, me and the boys went in and fixed everything up.  Quite literally fixed everything up.  We put in listening devices in that particular home or business."



"Sounds great," Pan Goatee smiled.


"Here 's the prisoner,"  Bob Belfor introduced him to the man in chains.


"So you're Shaheen Fazlullah,"  Pan Goatee smiled,  "anyone ever tell you that's kind of a stupid sounding name?".



"Drop dead, pig," Shaheen tried to spit in Pan's face but the satyr assassin ducked.



"You know speaking of pigs,"  Pan Goatee smiled,  "I've got some boiling hot pig fat to rub all over your body."


As Bob Belfor took a spoon and rubbed boiling hot pig fat all over Shaheen's body , Pan Goatee asked, "Didn't your Prophet, curses and damnation be upon him, forbid contact with pork?".



Pan Goatee took a steaming hot slice of pork and wrapped it around the man's genitals.  He followed this by wrapping pita bread around the slice of pork and the man's genitals and then taking a knife and cutting it off.


He then ate it- slice of pork, separated genitals, pita bread and all.


"What a delicious donair,"  Pan Goatee belched.



Bob Belfor laughed.





To be continued.





-A vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 Thursday November 7th
  2013


Wednesday, November 6, 2013

The 1-800 Obamacare Number

The 1-800 Obamacare Number



Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon are watching a U. S. government public service ad on American television via satellite in the colossal London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.


It was U.S. President Barack Obama doing the ad.


"My fellow Americans," President Obama smiled at the camera, "as you know an exciting new national health insurance plan is starting to emerge. Thus from Alaska to Florida... and from Kenya to Maine... I mean... from Hawaii to Maine... we've got you covered."

President Obama continued, "They call this new program Obamacare.  And I do care.  Just call the 1-800 number below at the bottom of your screen and you'll see how much I care..."


President Obama flashes a big grin at the camera.


"Do those last numbers after 1-800 spell out the words that I think they do?" Amadeus asked Renfield.

"They do," Renfield replied as he ate some popcorn.



To be continued.



-A vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 Wednesday November 6th
 2013

Monday, November 4, 2013

Magog's New Mission Impossible

Magog's New Mission Impossible


Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was in his House of Commons office drinking from a bottle of brandy.


The phone rang.


It was German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

"Madame Chancellor," Magog was shocked, "I hope you're not calling from your mobile phone."


"No, Herr Magog," the Chancellor replied, "I'm calling from a secure line."

"That's good," Magog wiped his brow.

"Have you checked your mail today?" Mrs. Merkel asked.

"Not yet," Magog replied.

"Check and see if you've got something from a company called Odin Insurance in Munich," the Chancellor directed.

Magog sifted through his mail.

"I do in fact," Magog stated.

"Open it," the Chancellor directed.

Inside was a handwritten note to U.S. President Barack Obama from the German Chancellor.

Magog read it and gulped.

"I take it being the curious snoop you are, you've read the message," the Chancellor laughed.

Looking out the window of his office, Magog could see a curious cat touch a live electrical wire and then fall to the ground dead from electrocution.

"Well... um... " Magog stammered.

"It's all right, Magog," the Chancellor laughed, "now I want you to go to Washington D. C.  and deliver that message in person to President Obama."

"But why me?" Magog protested, "Why not one of your diplomats or a member of the Bundestag?".


"Because they're all under surveillance by the CIA," the Chancellor explained, "but no one would bother to pay much attention to a drunken backbench Opposition politician who's failed abysmally on 3 different peace missions to the Middle East."


"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Chancellor," Magog took a sip from his bottle of brandy.


"You're welcome, Magog," the Chancellor replied, "will you do it?".


"Call me crazy," Magog noted the werewolf hairs starting to emerge on his human skin, "but I'll do it."


"That's great," the Chancellor sounded pleased, "now if you excuse me, I see I've got a call from Sarah Palin coming in on my mobile."


"Sarah Palin?" Magog asked the
now empty receiver.




                       .           .           .




The NSA official doing the surveillance spilled tea and canned Alaskan salmon all over himself when he noticed the name coming up on the mobile.





To be continued.





-A vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 Monday November 4th
 2013