Dachshunds Through The Snow

Dachshunds through the snow
on a 10-dog open sleigh
over trees they go
barking all the way
Shaped like hot dogs
making quite a sight
peeing on Yuletide logs
A yelping song tonight
Wiener shcnitzel, wiener schnitzel
Wiener all the way
little dogs, yuletide logs
and fire hydrants at bay.


-Dracul Van Helsing

I, Claudius, The Spirit, A Duck and Poisoned Mushrooms

Part 3 of The Neverending Story

And the duck (known as Mr. Falling Rocks Please Duck)
sat with the man (known as Dracul) on the sofa.

Dracul: You made quite the hit on the Larry
King Show.

Duck: Yes, Larry got an email from George Dubya
Bush after the show wondering which world leaders
I'd consider as idiots.

Dracul: Yes, I hear Bush has trouble recognizing himself
in a mirror.

Duck: I understand Dick Cheney sees himself as Darth Vader.

Dracul: Even though Cheney is not saintly enough to be Darth
Vader.

Duck: Indeed.

Dracul: I saw a trailer on YouTube for that new movie
The Spirit that's being released in movie theatres on
Christmas Day this year. I never read The Spirit comic
books as a kid. I mainly read Classics Illustrated comics
as well as Superman, Batman and Spiderman.
But I was quite startled when I saw the trailer for
The Spirit.

Duck: Why?

Dracul: Well in one trailer in particular when they started talking
about The Spirit, I was quite shocked from the description how
much the character of The Spirit reminded me of myself.

Duck: So I take it, you're probably going to
see the movie.

Dracul: Yes.

(Just then the housekeeper Mrs. Woodward entered the room)

Mrs. Woodward: Your supper, gentlemen.

(Mrs. Woodward handed Dracul a plate of mushrooms)

(Dracul was about to eat the mushrooms when the duck knocked
the plate out of his hand)

Duck: Don't eat that, Dracul. Those mushrooms are poisoned.
Dracul: How do you know?

Duck: I did a study of various poisons when I worked for
Britian's MI-6.

Dracul: Who gave you those mushrooms, Mrs. Woodward?

Mrs. Woodward: They were delivered by courier. The
return address was somewhere in India. I threw the
package out.

(The duck carefully stomped on all the mushrooms and then
picked them up and flushed them down the toilet)

Dracul: Just order a pizza from a pizza delivery place,
Mrs. Woodward.

Mrs. Woodward: Very good, sir.

(Dracul and the duck then sat down and watched on DVD an
episode of the award winning BBC television series I, Claudius.
In the episode despite the duck's warnings and incessant
quackings the Emperor Claudius ate some poisoned mushrooms
and keeled over)


The End.

Part 2 The Neverending Story

TV Interviewer Larry King: Ladies and gentlemen, today
we have on our show the world's first talking duck Mr.
Falling Rocks Please Duck. How are you today, Falling?

Falling Rocks Please Duck: No, I'm currently sitting
at the moment, Larry.

King: Mister Duck, we understand that you have a
solution for getting the world out of its economic crisis?

Duck: Yes, I do.

King: And what is that solution?

Duck: Stop electing idiots as your political leaders.

King: I see. All we have to do is stop electing idiots
as our political leaders and the world will find its way
out of the economic crisis.

Duck: That's right.

To be continued.

The Neverending Story

Once upon a time there was a man.
He had a dream. In his dream he saw big
cities with towering bridges and big roads.
The people were well dressed and happy.

But then the man awoke. It was but a dream.

He remembered Robert F. Kennedy's words,

"Some men see things as they are and ask
why, some men dream dreams that never were
and ask, why not?."

So the man asked, "why not?" and rose out of
bed.

He had some porridge and toast.

As he sat at his table, a duck waddled into
the kitchen.

"Good morning," said the duck.

The man sat there speechless.

"Let me think," said the duck, "what are the French words
for good morning. This fellow may not speak English."

"Good morning," the man finally spoke.

"Ah, you speak English after all," the duck quacked
with great pleasure.

"How is it that a duck should talk?" the man asked.

"And why shouldn't a duck talk?" the duck inquired.

"They just don't," the man replied.

The duck asked, "Why not?".

To be continued.

Part 6 Nathan De Burgh Polar Bear Private Eye

And so Flavius was taken to court
with handcuffs, grunts and a snort
The judge on the bench was Santa
Prosecuting attorney was Banta
For the defense
was Maj. Spence
but despite his impersonation of Perry Mason
and some lying seagulls bussed from the station
the defense all came to nought
like a leopard trying to change his spot.

And Flavius is sentenced to bed
this coming Christmas Eve.
His replacement?
The elf called Steve.

And so in Santa's sleigh
the night before Christmas Day
there will be no Antonio Flavius
nor any sudden hiccavius
(that's reindeerese for hiccoughs)
from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
nor Comet nor Blitzen drinking beer.
What is the cause of Rudolph's red shiny nose?
Licking beer off Antonio Flavius' toes!

And so Nathan De Burgh is the hero of the hour
and despite the penguin's voice being sour
sing he will for Obama
not to mention
any future telerama.
And now 'tis the end
of our little drama
and we must bid adieu
to you and you
but on Christmas Eve
watch out for reindeer pooh!

Part 5 Nathan De Burgh Polar Bear Private Eye

Nathan looked up holding his cup
with steak and kid for sup
he was in a British pub
yes at the North Pole
aye there's the rub
and as elves came out of the tub
there was lots of soap suds
as Nathan ate his spuds.

One of the elves stopped to whistle
a sound to make mistletoes shrivel
"that doesn't sound like an elfen voice!",
Nathan looked up from reading his James Joyce.

He grabbed a beer from the barmaid Jenna
and looked up at an antenna
GPS would indicate
music copyright syndicate.

The elf's whistle was Dan Pengin's voice,
Nathan put down his James Joyce
and pulled a gun out of his underwear
this Ramboesque polar bear.

"Hands up Flavius
you pain in the avius."

To be continued.

Part 4 Nathan De Burgh Polar Bear Private Eye

"Nathan De Burgh here,
I'll have a beer,"
The bear helped himself to a frozen can
from the reindeer trough
a new brand- Quetzalquotov
Aztec beer
oh so dear
mixed with Vodka Smirnov.

It really gave quite a buzz
but don't drive
or face the fuzz
"Nathan here,"
he drank the beer
but no reply on his cell phone
so he yawned
and reached for an ice cream cone.

"That'll be 50 cents,"
said Major Spence
of the North Pole army
an elf the size
of a leprechaun in Killarney.

Nathan reached into his pocket
where he pulled out a light socket
"this is all I have," Nathan grinned.
"I guess tonight
the Northern Lights will be twinned."

To be continued.

Part 3 Nathan De Burgh Polar Bear Private Eye

And so Nathan took the case
while the penguin's huskies
held a race
with penguin following
at great pace.

The penguin whose name was Dan
used for deodorant Ultra-Ban
a good thing
the huskies he couldn't outran.

And so to the North Pole Nathan went
in his Model T Ford without a dent
this rare gem he did own
along with a ring tone
on his cell phone.

His cell phone went off
like an Irishman's cough
just as he spotted
Santa's reindeer trough.

To be continued.

Part 2 Nathan De Burgh Polar Bear Private Eye

Said the penguin, I am a singer
also a part-time bell ringer
I was to sing at Obama's inaugural ball
day after election, I got the call
my manager nearly hit the walll.

But something happened, alas, alas
I need to take epsom salts for my gas
somebody has stolen my singing voice
over this, my showerhead did rejoice.
Who do you think stole your voice?
Nathan did inquire
while the penguin danced
like his pants were on fire.

Somebody at the North Pole I suspect
a certain elf gives me no respect
He put coal in my stockings last year
which caused a rash in my rear
now I always look before I put on stockings
I'm a Knight of the Garter
isn't that shocking?

Nathan took some aspirin off the shelf
washed it down with water,
"What's the name of this elf?".

His name is Antonio Flavius
certainly a pain in the avius
He works for Santa
sometimes Banta
He makes loads of toys
for good girls and boys.

To be continued.

Nathan De Burgh Polar Bear Private Eye

This is a poem I wrote today about a polar bear private
eye who lives at the North Pole not far from Santa
Claus and his toy workshop.

Nathan de Burgh was a polar bear
he had no need for long underwear
He lived on a berg made of ice
in a little igloo that was nice.

He was a private eye
this polar bear was
who claimed he was
Philip Marlow's cuz.

One day as he was sitting in his office
reading the works of Thomas Malthus
a penguin knocked at his door
and Nathan hit the floor.

"You're a long way from home?"
said Nathan the bear.
"Indeed," said the penguin
in his tuxedo wear.

From South Pole to North Pole
the penguin had come
accompanied by huskies
and a bottle of rum.

"What brings you here?
So far to so near?"
Nathan drank
his ginger beer.

Swatting aside some whirling dervishes,
the penguin replied,
I'm seeking your services.


To be continued.