Renfield's Mysterious Client
As Amadeus Emanon ate his 33rd apple turnover and pondered an invitation
from a friend to join the Freemasons, Renfield R. Renfield was eating a
tuna fish sandwich.
"It looks like we may have to replace the weigh scale in the bathroom," Amadeus stated.
"Why's that?" Renfield asked.
"For some reason it broke when I stepped on it this morning," Amadeus licked the icing off his fingers.
"That is strange," Renfield picked up his copy of The Times of London
and started reading about a mysterious new elephant appearing on the
streets of London and yet there were no reports of an escape from the
London Zoo.
"So I hear someone has hired you to do a hit job," Amadeus opened his box of 3 dozen chocolate eclairs from the bakery.
"That's right," Renfield grinned, "I'm to track down the person or
persons responsible for leaking the Panama Papers and to bump them off."
"Who hired you?" Amadeus was starting to wonder why his belt was feeling so tight this evening.
"I'm sorry," Renfield shook his head, "Under the terms of
client/assassin confidentiality and privilege, I'm not allowed to reveal
that information to you."
"Oh," Amadeus started licking the chocolate off his fingers.
"So I hear you've got a date with Dulcinea Lucia to go see a stage
magician later this week," Renfield said as a large chip and green
monster appeared on his shoulder.
"That's right," Amadeus used a napkin to wipe the chocolate off his chin.
"So how come that sexy gypsy fortune teller always goes on dates with
you but never with me?" Renfield's face started turning as green as the
grass at the height of spring.
"She says that you're a hypersexualized serial adulterer," Amadeus answered.
"Really?" Renfield was shocked, "I remember a few years ago some woman
on my Facebook page accused me of being a hypersexualized serial
adulterer."
"Well, there you go," Amadeus took a sip of chocolate milk.
"I wonder if there's any truth to that," Renfield pondered the question.
"No idea," Amadeus shrugged.
Renfield went over to the living room bookshelf and took out the volume
called Sigmund Freud's Posthumously Written Dictionary of Post-Modern
Psychiatric Conditions and looked up the term Hypersexualized Serial
Adulterer and noticed his (Renfield's) own photo alongside the
definition of the term.
"Find it?" Amadeus inquired.
"Yes," Renfield angrily sat down at the living room table and pouted.
"I wonder what the name of that magician is that Dulcinea Lucia wants me to see," Amadeus finished his 36th chocolate eclair.
"No fucking idea," Renfield fumed.
"Excuse me, sir," Athelstan the butler and valet entered the living room
and spoke to Renfield, "but there's a call for you from 10 Downing
Street on the secure phone line in the study."
"Oh," Renfield ran with great haste to the study.
"Hm," Amadeus reached for his bucket of KFC as he was growing tired of
having eaten nothing but sweets all day, "I wonder what 10 Downing
Street is calling Renfield about."
One of the world's great mysteries.
Like how they get the Caramilk inside the Caramilk bar Amadeus thought
to himself as he eyed the Caramilk chocolate bar Renfield had left
behind on the table.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 25th
2016.
Monday, April 25, 2016
Friday, April 22, 2016
A Day In The Life of Set Enterprises Employees
Down in the Set Enterprises lab, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was in his aquarium where he was receiving a radio transmission from the future on his lobster antennae...
BBC World News Bulletin From The Future: And this news story from the world of Entertainment, film maker Martin Scorsese is teaming up with the creators of Monty Python to make a sequel to the film Life of Brian which will be called The Last Temptation of Brian...
. . .
Renfield R. Renfield was in the office of a powerful and highly influential British subject who was hiring him to locate and track down those responsible for leaking the Panama Papers and to bump them off.
. . .
Amadeus Emanon had been hired as a pianist to play at a birthday party for Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II on her 90th Birthday.
As one of the valets at the Royal birthday party wondered where the huge plate of raspberry jellied doughnuts had gone, he never thought of looking on top of the piano where they were located as Amadeus played and sang the lyrics of Prince's song, "She wore raspberry beret..."
. . .
Dr. Cadbury Rocher was giving a guest speech on The Importance of Science In Education to a conference of teachers in Philadelphia, U.S.A.
Dr. Rocher: Back in the 1950s, traditional educators were warning that if "John Dewey's ideas of so-called Progressive education were implemented into American classrooms on a massive scale, this would result in the dumbing down of America on a massive scale."
(Dr. Cadbury Rocher took off his glasses and wiped them)
Dr. Rocher: Whether the traditional educators of the 1950s were right or whether John Dewey and his progressive ideas were right, we can tell by observing the world around us today.
Dr. Cadbury Rocher looked around the auditorium as 90% of the audience were on their smart phones text messaging about their most recent bowel movements or menstrual periods or sharing nude photos of themselves or sharing photos of cats or weighing in on the latest new hot topic in social networking which was, "Is it cruel and insensitive to take one's goldfish into the bathtub with you when you're having a bath?".
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 21st
2016.
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Renfield"s Proposal For Ending Public Washroom Discrimination
Renfield's Proposal For Ending Public Washroom Discrimination
Amadeus Emanon was watching CNN where Anderson Cooper was interviewing Renfield R. Renfield about his campaign for the U.S. Presidency.
Anderson: And we're here with Mr. Renfield R. Renfield... British born... or I should say... British genetically created... candidate for the U.S. Presidency... who's willing to accept the nomination of either party... or both parties... to become President... who currently stands at 0.0% in the polls... has 0.0% of the delegates in either Party... but still believes he stands an excellent chance of becoming America's next President... we'll be back right after these messages.
Amadeus went to the refrigerator to get himself some more milk and cookies.
He got back to the living room just as the last commercial was ending.
Voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Crap From Kim Kardashian's Excessively Large Booty... download for free from the App Store.
Anderson Cooper: And we're back. Now, Mr. Renfield, one of the emerging issues in this campaign is the fact that members of the LGBT community feel discriminated against by being forced to use public washrooms for the sex or gender that Nature cruelly assigned them at birth. Several states have passed legislation saying that people must go into public washrooms for the sex or gender that they were born with... Mr. Renfield, where do you stand on this important civil rights issue?
Renfield (grinning) : Well if I was elected President, one of my first acts would be to sign an Executive Order banning all public washrooms.
If there are no washrooms in public, no one would feel discriminated against.
(Anderson Cooper is silent for a whole minute)
Anderson (finally speaking) : I don't recall any of the other candidates running for President... not even Donald Trump... coming up with such an idea.
Renfield (grinning even more): That's because Donald Trump is a divider not a uniter. He divides people. I'm a uniter. I unite people. When I'm elected President, the American people will be united and as one in not being able to find a washroom in a public place. That way no one will feel discriminated against.
Meanwhile down at the Set Enterprises lab, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was freaking out in his aquarium over a vision he was having of a Renfield Presidency in America.
CNN News Bulletin From The Future: The streets of New York City were running red with blood today as millions of people were fighting a quite literal Game of Thrones battle to find a throne somewhere in the city to relieve themselves...
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 19th
2016.
Amadeus Emanon was watching CNN where Anderson Cooper was interviewing Renfield R. Renfield about his campaign for the U.S. Presidency.
Anderson: And we're here with Mr. Renfield R. Renfield... British born... or I should say... British genetically created... candidate for the U.S. Presidency... who's willing to accept the nomination of either party... or both parties... to become President... who currently stands at 0.0% in the polls... has 0.0% of the delegates in either Party... but still believes he stands an excellent chance of becoming America's next President... we'll be back right after these messages.
Amadeus went to the refrigerator to get himself some more milk and cookies.
He got back to the living room just as the last commercial was ending.
Voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Crap From Kim Kardashian's Excessively Large Booty... download for free from the App Store.
Anderson Cooper: And we're back. Now, Mr. Renfield, one of the emerging issues in this campaign is the fact that members of the LGBT community feel discriminated against by being forced to use public washrooms for the sex or gender that Nature cruelly assigned them at birth. Several states have passed legislation saying that people must go into public washrooms for the sex or gender that they were born with... Mr. Renfield, where do you stand on this important civil rights issue?
Renfield (grinning) : Well if I was elected President, one of my first acts would be to sign an Executive Order banning all public washrooms.
If there are no washrooms in public, no one would feel discriminated against.
(Anderson Cooper is silent for a whole minute)
Anderson (finally speaking) : I don't recall any of the other candidates running for President... not even Donald Trump... coming up with such an idea.
Renfield (grinning even more): That's because Donald Trump is a divider not a uniter. He divides people. I'm a uniter. I unite people. When I'm elected President, the American people will be united and as one in not being able to find a washroom in a public place. That way no one will feel discriminated against.
Meanwhile down at the Set Enterprises lab, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was freaking out in his aquarium over a vision he was having of a Renfield Presidency in America.
CNN News Bulletin From The Future: The streets of New York City were running red with blood today as millions of people were fighting a quite literal Game of Thrones battle to find a throne somewhere in the city to relieve themselves...
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 19th
2016.
Monday, April 18, 2016
Solomon and The Temple of Baal At Palmyra
Solomon and The Temple of Baal At Palmyra
"And Solomon built Tadmor in the wilderness, and all the store cities, which he built in Hamath."
-II Chronicles 8:4
"When he (Solomon) had therefore built this city, and encompassed it with very strong walls, he gave it the name Tadmor; and that is the name it is still called by at this day among the Syrians; but the Greeks name it Palmyra."
-Josephus, Antiquities of The Jews Book VIII, 6:1
"Palmyra was in ancient times an important city of central Syria, located in an oasis 215 kilometers northeast of Damascus and 120 kilometers southwest of the Euphrates. It has long been a vital caravan city for travelers crossing the Syrian desert and was known as the Bride of the Desert. The Greek name for the city Palmyra is a translation of its original Aramaic name Tadmor which means "palm tree". Tadmor is today the name of a small city next to the ancient ruins of Palmyra and is heavily dependent on tourism. The ancient site of Palmyra is itself an UNESCO World Heritage Site."
-Tourist Brochure About Palmyra, Syria prior to the outbreak of the Syrian Civil War in 2011.
King Solomon stood and surveyed the city that he was building- the city of Tadmor (the city that would later be called by the Greeks Palmyra).
Night was approaching.
A full moon was rising.
A beautiful dark-haired dark skinned and dark eyed woman approached him.
She was wearing a beautiful purple evening dress- slit at the sides and low-cut at the front.
A necklace of diamonds cut in the shape and form of human skulls hung around her neck.
"Thou art Solomon the wisest of the wise?" She asked as she stood before him.
"I am," Solomon answered.
"I am Allatallahbel the Priestess of Baal," she curtsied in front of him making sure he caught a glimpse of her ample and succulent breasts.
"What can I do for you, Allatallahbel?" Solomon shifted uncomfortably in his robes.
"I wish you to build in this city a temple to Baal that's as splendid as your Temple to your god Yahweh in your city of Jerusalem," she answered.
"Well," he answered, "why should I do that?".
"This night, I shall give you six hundred and sixty-six good reasons why you should do that," she approached and rubbed her thigh against his.
"Six hundred and sixty-six eh?" Solomon breathed deeply, "that's a lot of reasons."
The next morning after Allatallahbel had given Solomon her 666 reasons, she stroked his head in her arms, "Art thou convinced?".
"I am," Solomon had to agree.
"Any other woman give you so many reasons to do something?" Allatallahbel laughed.
"One," Solomon answered.
"Really?" Allatallahbel became jealous, "who?".
"Her name was Isis," Solomon recalled, "she was the wife of the architect Hiram Abiff who helped build my Temple."
(For more on Isis and who Hiram Abiff really was, please read:
https://draculvanhelsing.
https://draculvanhelsing.
)
"I see," Allatallahbel stared angrily at the morning sunrise.
"Art thou angry?" Solomon kissed her on the lips, "let me show you my master mason's tool again. That should make you happy."
"You say her name is Isis?" Allatallahbel ate some lobster which she gave to Solomon and he likewise did eat even though it was forbidden him as an Israelite to do so.
"Yes," Solomon nodded.
After she had eaten the lobster meat, Allatallahbel stood and showed her magnificent nude form and then spake and prophesied, "This magnificent Temple to Baal that you shall build in this city, o Solomon, one day replicas to it shall be built in cities all over the world and then Baal shall come."
"Really?" Solomon rubbed what he felt was an itchy invisible third eye in his forehead.
"Yes, and it will all be due to..." Allatallahbel laughed.
"Due to who?" Solomon asked.
"Due to ISIS," Allatallahbel laughed like the demons of Hell, "Thou evil woman, who darest to trespass on what should have been mine, thy name shall be as mud and darkened and vilified."
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 18th
2016.
"And Solomon built Tadmor in the wilderness, and all the store cities, which he built in Hamath."
-II Chronicles 8:4
"When he (Solomon) had therefore built this city, and encompassed it with very strong walls, he gave it the name Tadmor; and that is the name it is still called by at this day among the Syrians; but the Greeks name it Palmyra."
-Josephus, Antiquities of The Jews Book VIII, 6:1
"Palmyra was in ancient times an important city of central Syria, located in an oasis 215 kilometers northeast of Damascus and 120 kilometers southwest of the Euphrates. It has long been a vital caravan city for travelers crossing the Syrian desert and was known as the Bride of the Desert. The Greek name for the city Palmyra is a translation of its original Aramaic name Tadmor which means "palm tree". Tadmor is today the name of a small city next to the ancient ruins of Palmyra and is heavily dependent on tourism. The ancient site of Palmyra is itself an UNESCO World Heritage Site."
-Tourist Brochure About Palmyra, Syria prior to the outbreak of the Syrian Civil War in 2011.
King Solomon stood and surveyed the city that he was building- the city of Tadmor (the city that would later be called by the Greeks Palmyra).
Night was approaching.
A full moon was rising.
A beautiful dark-haired dark skinned and dark eyed woman approached him.
She was wearing a beautiful purple evening dress- slit at the sides and low-cut at the front.
A necklace of diamonds cut in the shape and form of human skulls hung around her neck.
"Thou art Solomon the wisest of the wise?" She asked as she stood before him.
"I am," Solomon answered.
"I am Allatallahbel the Priestess of Baal," she curtsied in front of him making sure he caught a glimpse of her ample and succulent breasts.
"What can I do for you, Allatallahbel?" Solomon shifted uncomfortably in his robes.
"I wish you to build in this city a temple to Baal that's as splendid as your Temple to your god Yahweh in your city of Jerusalem," she answered.
"Well," he answered, "why should I do that?".
"This night, I shall give you six hundred and sixty-six good reasons why you should do that," she approached and rubbed her thigh against his.
"Six hundred and sixty-six eh?" Solomon breathed deeply, "that's a lot of reasons."
The next morning after Allatallahbel had given Solomon her 666 reasons, she stroked his head in her arms, "Art thou convinced?".
"I am," Solomon had to agree.
"Any other woman give you so many reasons to do something?" Allatallahbel laughed.
"One," Solomon answered.
"Really?" Allatallahbel became jealous, "who?".
"Her name was Isis," Solomon recalled, "she was the wife of the architect Hiram Abiff who helped build my Temple."
(For more on Isis and who Hiram Abiff really was, please read:
https://draculvanhelsing.
https://draculvanhelsing.
)
"I see," Allatallahbel stared angrily at the morning sunrise.
"Art thou angry?" Solomon kissed her on the lips, "let me show you my master mason's tool again. That should make you happy."
"You say her name is Isis?" Allatallahbel ate some lobster which she gave to Solomon and he likewise did eat even though it was forbidden him as an Israelite to do so.
"Yes," Solomon nodded.
After she had eaten the lobster meat, Allatallahbel stood and showed her magnificent nude form and then spake and prophesied, "This magnificent Temple to Baal that you shall build in this city, o Solomon, one day replicas to it shall be built in cities all over the world and then Baal shall come."
"Really?" Solomon rubbed what he felt was an itchy invisible third eye in his forehead.
"Yes, and it will all be due to..." Allatallahbel laughed.
"Due to who?" Solomon asked.
"Due to ISIS," Allatallahbel laughed like the demons of Hell, "Thou evil woman, who darest to trespass on what should have been mine, thy name shall be as mud and darkened and vilified."
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 18th
2016.
Friday, April 15, 2016
Lizards and Wizards: A Poem
Lizards and Wizards: A Poem
It was a land where giant tulip bulbs grew
that grew in soil blood drenched through and through
The bulbs blood red in colour
like the soil that bled the Earth-Mother
And eating the bulbs were huge flamingoes
not pink like on your lawn goes
but blood red like the seed of human sacrifice
when all other oblations no longer suffice
And rising rising from the blood soaked ground
in a huge puff of red tinged smoke that twirled round and round
arose a wild-haired wild eyed looking wizard
who in a test tube carried a small red lizard
He lifted up high his feathered wand
in the clouds emerged a land beyond
With his left hand he lifted high his trusted wand
and with his right, emptied the test tube like a martini shaker for Bond
The lizard then fell to the earth beneath
an infernal inheritance to bequeath
The lizard grew into a huge red dragon
one possibly stolen from Hades' wagon
The dragon then sprouted wings
like Pegasus at Pierian Springs
And flew into the land that lay beyond the clouds
A land soon to be covered by death's dark shrouds.
-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 14th 2016.
It was a land where giant tulip bulbs grew
that grew in soil blood drenched through and through
The bulbs blood red in colour
like the soil that bled the Earth-Mother
And eating the bulbs were huge flamingoes
not pink like on your lawn goes
but blood red like the seed of human sacrifice
when all other oblations no longer suffice
And rising rising from the blood soaked ground
in a huge puff of red tinged smoke that twirled round and round
arose a wild-haired wild eyed looking wizard
who in a test tube carried a small red lizard
He lifted up high his feathered wand
in the clouds emerged a land beyond
With his left hand he lifted high his trusted wand
and with his right, emptied the test tube like a martini shaker for Bond
The lizard then fell to the earth beneath
an infernal inheritance to bequeath
The lizard grew into a huge red dragon
one possibly stolen from Hades' wagon
The dragon then sprouted wings
like Pegasus at Pierian Springs
And flew into the land that lay beyond the clouds
A land soon to be covered by death's dark shrouds.
-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 14th 2016.
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Renfield's Preferred Political System and Lobster Dreams of Perry Mason
Renfield's Preferred Political System and Lobster Dreams of Perry Mason
"Say, Renfield," Amadeus asked his friend as he flipped through a Political Science textbook, "in your opinion, what's the best political system and form of government?".
"An absolute monarchy with myself as absolute monarch," Renfield replied.
Meanwhile down in his lobster tank at the Set Enterprises laboratory, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was fast asleep.
He, along with his creator Dr. Cadbury Rocher, had been watching a grueling television marathon of old episodes of the Perry Mason TV show with Raymond Burr.
Now he was fast asleep in his aquarium while Cadbury Rocher was in his even more secret lab (unknown to all at Set Enterprises) working on what he considered his master creation- a genetically created replica of the winged horse Pegasus.
In Michelangelo's dream, he was dreaming of an old black and white episode of Perry Mason with Raymond Burr that was never shown on television because it was considered too hot for the America of the late 1950s to handle.
The name of the episode was Perry Mason Solves The Case of The Tomatoed Buns.
Special guest star for the episode was Sherlock Holmes' twin sister- the quite literally immortal (as in never dying due to eating immortal life giving Supernatural mushrooms) leather skirted dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes.
This was the courtroom scene from that episode that Michelangelo dreamed:
Perry Mason: Now Miss Holmes, when we use the term "tomatoed buns", I take it we're not talking about a certain food item we can select down at our local neighbourhood smorgasbord buffet, are we?
Miss Holmes (raising one of her black silk nylon legs on the witness stand and adjusting both her skirt and one of her spiked stiletto high heeled shoes): Indeed, Mr. Mason, we are not.
A large crack suddenly appeared on the glass of Michelangelo's aquarium as the lobster started hyperventilating under water over this dream sequence.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 8th
2016.
"Say, Renfield," Amadeus asked his friend as he flipped through a Political Science textbook, "in your opinion, what's the best political system and form of government?".
"An absolute monarchy with myself as absolute monarch," Renfield replied.
Meanwhile down in his lobster tank at the Set Enterprises laboratory, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was fast asleep.
He, along with his creator Dr. Cadbury Rocher, had been watching a grueling television marathon of old episodes of the Perry Mason TV show with Raymond Burr.
Now he was fast asleep in his aquarium while Cadbury Rocher was in his even more secret lab (unknown to all at Set Enterprises) working on what he considered his master creation- a genetically created replica of the winged horse Pegasus.
In Michelangelo's dream, he was dreaming of an old black and white episode of Perry Mason with Raymond Burr that was never shown on television because it was considered too hot for the America of the late 1950s to handle.
The name of the episode was Perry Mason Solves The Case of The Tomatoed Buns.
Special guest star for the episode was Sherlock Holmes' twin sister- the quite literally immortal (as in never dying due to eating immortal life giving Supernatural mushrooms) leather skirted dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes.
This was the courtroom scene from that episode that Michelangelo dreamed:
Perry Mason: Now Miss Holmes, when we use the term "tomatoed buns", I take it we're not talking about a certain food item we can select down at our local neighbourhood smorgasbord buffet, are we?
Miss Holmes (raising one of her black silk nylon legs on the witness stand and adjusting both her skirt and one of her spiked stiletto high heeled shoes): Indeed, Mr. Mason, we are not.
A large crack suddenly appeared on the glass of Michelangelo's aquarium as the lobster started hyperventilating under water over this dream sequence.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 8th
2016.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Cthulhu At The Vatican: A Poem
Cthulhu At The Vatican: A Poem
One fine night on the Tiber
a man drank sweet apple cider
when suddenly from the river's depth
rose a monster causing him to say "What the heck!"
The creature had an octopus head
causing the man to drop his bread
It had webbed human looking arms and legs
Said the man, "I better get to Meg's!"
An Italian bistro just down the street
The creature had snake like bunions on its feet
It stood hundreds of meters tall
and soon approached the Vatican wall
as Pope Francis lectured Trump on lack of charity
in the midst of much Curial hilarity
The creature had huge dragon like wings on its back
and gave some Vatican Swiss Guards the permanent sack
although it had no authority to do so
but what the heck, it made a fine YouTube show
as the post went viral with epic flow
The creature went into the finely wrapped box marked Pope Francis' God of Surprises
and threw out the flowers there- Mother Earth's irises
It then sat in the box
quiet like a hunted fox
waiting for its unveiling
causing Cardinals to hit the railing
when bursting forth like a jack in the box
it would resemble Baphomet's unwashed socks
The final document of the Synod on The Family
would add to that dreaded abode of the damned-ly.
-A poem written by Christopher
Thursday Evening
April 7th 2016.
One fine night on the Tiber
a man drank sweet apple cider
when suddenly from the river's depth
rose a monster causing him to say "What the heck!"
The creature had an octopus head
causing the man to drop his bread
It had webbed human looking arms and legs
Said the man, "I better get to Meg's!"
An Italian bistro just down the street
The creature had snake like bunions on its feet
It stood hundreds of meters tall
and soon approached the Vatican wall
as Pope Francis lectured Trump on lack of charity
in the midst of much Curial hilarity
The creature had huge dragon like wings on its back
and gave some Vatican Swiss Guards the permanent sack
although it had no authority to do so
but what the heck, it made a fine YouTube show
as the post went viral with epic flow
The creature went into the finely wrapped box marked Pope Francis' God of Surprises
and threw out the flowers there- Mother Earth's irises
It then sat in the box
quiet like a hunted fox
waiting for its unveiling
causing Cardinals to hit the railing
when bursting forth like a jack in the box
it would resemble Baphomet's unwashed socks
The final document of the Synod on The Family
would add to that dreaded abode of the damned-ly.
-A poem written by Christopher
Thursday Evening
April 7th 2016.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Pan Goatee and The Feathered Serpent
Pan Goatee and The Winged Serpent
Pan Goatee was busy cutting off the heads of ugly women who were out walking their dogs (the four-legged kind) the past few nights.
"I've never seen so many dogs out walking their dogs," Pan Goatee remarked as he lopped off repulsive looking heads left, right and center.
He lopped off the head of one ugly looking woman who thought she could actually race him across the street at a stop light.
And then lopped off the head of another ugly looking woman who tried to enter his favourite oyster and sushi bar before him.
As he sat enjoying eating his oysters and thinking about the beautiful Aphrodite possibly emerging from one of his oyster shells, he got a call on his Samsung Galaxy S7 Smart Phone.
It came from a wealthy Neo-Nazi sympathizing German industrialist and arms manufacturer who was backing Donald Trump's race for the U.S. Presidency.
It had come to the industrialist's attention that the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl and his goddaughter the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec were trying to forge an alliance with Mitt Romney to stop Trump winning the Republican Party Presidential nomination.
A CIA agent (who surprisingly was pro-Bernie Sanders) was going to serve as go-between for a proposed Phoenix, Arizona summit meeting between the 3.
The agent whose name was actually Johnny Begood would apparently be playing the part of a masked Saquasohuh (Blue Star) Kachina dancer in a ritual ceremony in the plaza of a Hopi Indian village in northeastern Arizona tonight.
The industrialist asked Pan Goatee if he wouldn't mind astral projecting to this village and bumping off the said pro-Bernie Sanders CIA agent.
Pan Goatee said "yes for a fee of one million Euros" to which the German industrialist agreed.
The money would be wired to Pan Goatee's British Virgin Islands offshore account.
As Pan Goatee put his smart phone back in his pocket, he breathed a sigh of relief that he decided to use the British Virgin Islands for his offshore bank accounts rather than Panama in lieu of the leaking of the Panama Papers at Panamanian law firm Mossack Fonseca.
Pan Goatee then astral projected to the said village at the Hopi reservation in northeastern Arizona.
He noticed the man wearing the Saquasohuh Blue Star Kachina bird costume (though he hadn't put on his bird's head mask yet) and deduced this must be CIA agent Johnny Begood.
Pan Goatee immediately beheaded the man with his machete.
At that moment a beautiful (which was a good thing for her being in the presence of Pan Goatee) Hopi girl (about 19) who was going to play the role of tribal princess in tonight's ceremony walked into the room and said, "Why did you do that? He was supposed to dance for our ceremony tonight and now we have no one."
"I think this costume would fit me," Pan Goatee said looking down at Begood's body, "I could put it on and do the dance."
"All right," said the Hopi princess looking at her watch, "Hurry up and put it on. We just have half an hour. It will take 5 minutes for you to get the costume on and then another 25 minutes for me to teach you the dance- assuming you're a quick learner."
"I'm a quick learner," Pan Goatee flashed a smile which was whiter than usual since he had started using an ultra-bright whitening toothpaste a week ago.
So Pan Goatee put the costume on and then learned the dance and then went out into the plaza of the village where he did the dance.
He was starting to feel extremely hot under the mask (having put a little too much Tabasco sauce on his oysters) so he took off the mask.
The Hopi elders noticed a CNN news crew and a Fox News crew and a BBC News crew there filming the ceremony.
"Oh my God," one of the elders cried, "a Kachina has removed his mask in the presence of the uninitiated."
"This means the beginning of the Apocalypse," another elder shouted.
Anderson Cooper gulped as he looked at the live feed.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 5th
2016.
Pan Goatee was busy cutting off the heads of ugly women who were out walking their dogs (the four-legged kind) the past few nights.
"I've never seen so many dogs out walking their dogs," Pan Goatee remarked as he lopped off repulsive looking heads left, right and center.
He lopped off the head of one ugly looking woman who thought she could actually race him across the street at a stop light.
And then lopped off the head of another ugly looking woman who tried to enter his favourite oyster and sushi bar before him.
As he sat enjoying eating his oysters and thinking about the beautiful Aphrodite possibly emerging from one of his oyster shells, he got a call on his Samsung Galaxy S7 Smart Phone.
It came from a wealthy Neo-Nazi sympathizing German industrialist and arms manufacturer who was backing Donald Trump's race for the U.S. Presidency.
It had come to the industrialist's attention that the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl and his goddaughter the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec were trying to forge an alliance with Mitt Romney to stop Trump winning the Republican Party Presidential nomination.
A CIA agent (who surprisingly was pro-Bernie Sanders) was going to serve as go-between for a proposed Phoenix, Arizona summit meeting between the 3.
The agent whose name was actually Johnny Begood would apparently be playing the part of a masked Saquasohuh (Blue Star) Kachina dancer in a ritual ceremony in the plaza of a Hopi Indian village in northeastern Arizona tonight.
The industrialist asked Pan Goatee if he wouldn't mind astral projecting to this village and bumping off the said pro-Bernie Sanders CIA agent.
Pan Goatee said "yes for a fee of one million Euros" to which the German industrialist agreed.
The money would be wired to Pan Goatee's British Virgin Islands offshore account.
As Pan Goatee put his smart phone back in his pocket, he breathed a sigh of relief that he decided to use the British Virgin Islands for his offshore bank accounts rather than Panama in lieu of the leaking of the Panama Papers at Panamanian law firm Mossack Fonseca.
Pan Goatee then astral projected to the said village at the Hopi reservation in northeastern Arizona.
He noticed the man wearing the Saquasohuh Blue Star Kachina bird costume (though he hadn't put on his bird's head mask yet) and deduced this must be CIA agent Johnny Begood.
Pan Goatee immediately beheaded the man with his machete.
At that moment a beautiful (which was a good thing for her being in the presence of Pan Goatee) Hopi girl (about 19) who was going to play the role of tribal princess in tonight's ceremony walked into the room and said, "Why did you do that? He was supposed to dance for our ceremony tonight and now we have no one."
"I think this costume would fit me," Pan Goatee said looking down at Begood's body, "I could put it on and do the dance."
"All right," said the Hopi princess looking at her watch, "Hurry up and put it on. We just have half an hour. It will take 5 minutes for you to get the costume on and then another 25 minutes for me to teach you the dance- assuming you're a quick learner."
"I'm a quick learner," Pan Goatee flashed a smile which was whiter than usual since he had started using an ultra-bright whitening toothpaste a week ago.
So Pan Goatee put the costume on and then learned the dance and then went out into the plaza of the village where he did the dance.
He was starting to feel extremely hot under the mask (having put a little too much Tabasco sauce on his oysters) so he took off the mask.
The Hopi elders noticed a CNN news crew and a Fox News crew and a BBC News crew there filming the ceremony.
"Oh my God," one of the elders cried, "a Kachina has removed his mask in the presence of the uninitiated."
"This means the beginning of the Apocalypse," another elder shouted.
Anderson Cooper gulped as he looked at the live feed.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 5th
2016.
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