"So," Renfield looked at the newspaper with its latest Wikileaks revelations, "U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton wants biometric data, DNA samples and iris eyeball prints of various important political, diplomatic, business and religious leaders throughout the world. This must mean the U.S. government is in the genetic cloning business since I too search for those things to create new entities in the lab at Set Enterprises."
"I think most of the major powers in the world are secretly into genetic research and cloning aren't they?" Amadeus asked.
"Yes, I believe they are," Renfield nodded.
"The research that created you originated in North Korea didn't it as a result of experiments in Pyongyang in the late '90s to clone and create a flesh eating super hamster?" Amadeus asked.
"How did you find out about the secret research that led to my creation?" Renfield turned as pale as a white hamster and started to suddenly spout hamster whiskers he was so agitated.
* * *
In the cab in Beijing, China sat a man with a very unusual appearance.
He had snakes for arms and the head of a crocodile in place of what should have been a human head given the human appearance of the rest of his body.
He noticed the figure leaving the hotel.
The figure leaving the hotel was a high level North Korean Foreign Ministry official come to Beijing for talks to diffuse the recent crisis occurring on the Korean Peninsula.
The unusual man in the cab opened his door and one of the cobra snake arms emerged and bit the North Korean official on the neck.
He fell to the ground dead.
The man with snake arms then had a Hell of a time trying to text message his boss that the North Korean official was dead.
When he was finally able to do so, he received a reply from his boss, "Let World War III begin."
* * *
The Israeli Mossad agent looked with disbelief at the extremely high-ranking Iranian government leader who lit a candle to Kali the Hindu goddess of destruction at the Temple to Kali called Dakshineswar in Calcutta, India.
What was a member of the extremely fundamentalist Shia Muslim sect known as the Twelvers (the same sect to which Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad belonged) doing lighting a candle to Kali the goddess of destruction?
As the Iranian leader walked through one of the less crowded enclaves of the Temple, the Israeli Mossad agent did not muse on the matter long.
He pulled out his gun and shot the Iranian leader in the back of the head.
The man fell to the ground dead.
The Mossad agent then left the Temple.
Unbeknownst to the Mossad agent, his assassination of the Iranian leader had been captured by a powerful minature camera on a cell phone.
And had already been sent to the offices of the Iranian Foreign Ministry in Tehran.
* * *
In Rome, a newly created Cardinal (who had just been named at the Pope's most recent Consistory on November 20th 2010) had fallen asleep at his work desk.
A sudden wind blew open the windows of his office.
The cardinal stirred and briefly looked up.
He noticed the window was open but felt too tired to get up to close it.
He then thought he heard a flapping of wings.
Startled he looked up.
A beautiful woman stood there in a white dress.
And out of her back there protruded two large black bat wings.
The woman looked to be Greek.
The woman smiled at him showing large vampiric incisors.
To be continued.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Kitsune
The sentry stood at the northeast corner of the Presidential Palace in Pyongyang, North Korea.
He stood gazing in the same northeasterly direction and was somewhat mystified to see a white fox approaching from that direction.
Paid very little on his guard's salary and feeling famished by the ever constant famine that seemed to be present for some reason in the North Korean Workers' Paradise, the guard resolved to shoot the fox and take it home to his family for supper when he got off guard duty.
But as the sentry raised his gun, he froze.
Literally froze.
He could not move.
The white fox walked past him.
As it did so, the sentry was shocked to discover that the white fox had nine tails.
* * *
Kim Jong-un the designated heir to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il was asleep in bed.
He thought he heard a roar of thunder and a distant flash of lightning- very unusual in North Korea in the winter.
He opened his eyes.
Standing there in his bedroom was a very very very beautiful woman wearing a translucent almost glowing white dress.
The woman did not look Korean.
She looked Japanese.
Was this an enemy agent who had succeeded in infiltrating his bedroom?
"Who are you?" he demanded to know.
"Kitsune," the woman replied.
Kitsune- the word- the name sounded Japanese to him.
"How did you get in here..." Kim asked but before he could finish his sentence, the woman was on top of him with a strength that was almost supernatural in its power.
When it was all over, Kim felt completely drained of what Austin Powers International Man of Mystery would have referred to as his mojo.
He also felt strangely elated for some reason.
Not to mention a sudden craving for tofu.
He picked up the phone near his bed and asked for a bowl to be delivered to his room.
He lay there gazing up at the ceiling with a blank look in his eyes.
Over and over he chanted the same words in an almost mantra like state, "I must start World War III... I must start World War III..."
To be continued.
He stood gazing in the same northeasterly direction and was somewhat mystified to see a white fox approaching from that direction.
Paid very little on his guard's salary and feeling famished by the ever constant famine that seemed to be present for some reason in the North Korean Workers' Paradise, the guard resolved to shoot the fox and take it home to his family for supper when he got off guard duty.
But as the sentry raised his gun, he froze.
Literally froze.
He could not move.
The white fox walked past him.
As it did so, the sentry was shocked to discover that the white fox had nine tails.
* * *
Kim Jong-un the designated heir to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il was asleep in bed.
He thought he heard a roar of thunder and a distant flash of lightning- very unusual in North Korea in the winter.
He opened his eyes.
Standing there in his bedroom was a very very very beautiful woman wearing a translucent almost glowing white dress.
The woman did not look Korean.
She looked Japanese.
Was this an enemy agent who had succeeded in infiltrating his bedroom?
"Who are you?" he demanded to know.
"Kitsune," the woman replied.
Kitsune- the word- the name sounded Japanese to him.
"How did you get in here..." Kim asked but before he could finish his sentence, the woman was on top of him with a strength that was almost supernatural in its power.
When it was all over, Kim felt completely drained of what Austin Powers International Man of Mystery would have referred to as his mojo.
He also felt strangely elated for some reason.
Not to mention a sudden craving for tofu.
He picked up the phone near his bed and asked for a bowl to be delivered to his room.
He lay there gazing up at the ceiling with a blank look in his eyes.
Over and over he chanted the same words in an almost mantra like state, "I must start World War III... I must start World War III..."
To be continued.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
North Korean Attack and The Rumblings of Powers and Principalities
The Trappist monk Brother Jim Gallant and his Saint Bernard dog Samson met Dracul Van Helsing in a Parisienne sidewalk cafe.
Crazy Pierre's was one of the few Parisienne sidewalk cafes that was open as an outdoor sidewalk cafe in Paris in late November.
"So," Brother Jim whimpered slightly as he froze his nuts off in his monk's robes , "Hyung isn't with you in Paris?".
"No," Dracul shook his head, "she flew home to South Korea as soon as she heard today's news that North Korea had attacked South Korea's Yeonpyeong Island killing 2 soldiers, destroying civilian homes and wounding both civilians and soldiers."
"An extremely dangerous situation," Brother Jim remarked as he sipped his hot chocolate.
"Very dangerous," Dracul agreed.
* * *
Kim Jong-un (the designated heir to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il) was holding a meeting with the famous South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo.
"So," Kim Jong-un asked, "My one million man zombie army that you have raised from the dead is now ready?".
"Yes, Your Excellency," Sterling Makabo nodded.
"Good," Kim smiled, "if the glorious People's Democratic Republic of Korea is forced to get into a war with the U.S., Japan and the imposter government that oversees the southern half of my peninsula, I'll have an army that is already dead but still able to fight."
"That is correct," Sterling Makabo smiled as he ate the delicious pork dish that lay in front of him.
"I heard reports that you raised the artist Vincent Van Gogh temporarily from the dead last week," Kim helped himself to a steaming dish of vegetables.
"Yes," Makabo ate a pig's foot, "I got the zombie Vincent to cut off his other ear and then I mailed it to Charles Prince of Wales."
"For what purpose?" Kim asked.
"His Highness never paid me for bringing back his banana tree from the dead," Sterling answered.
* * *
Amadeus Emanon was having dinner with the vampiress songstress Angelique Dumont (who hailed from New Orleans, Louisiana) in a posh London restaurant.
"Nice to see the annoying Renfield isn't with us this evening," Angelique smiled as she smoothed her dress.
"No, he's currently in America teaching seminars to TSA airport security guards on the proper way to pat down and grope airline passengers who are getting ready for the Thanksgiving long weekend," Amadeus replied.
"Renfield is?" Angelique blinked, "And what is he using for teaching aids as he gives these seminars?".
"Every hard-core porno movie that he can find," Amadeus replied.
* * *
It was an exclusive bank in Geneva, Switzerland that kept evening hours for its rich clients.
The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was there making a withdrawal from his personal safety deposit box.
Behind him he heard a swishing and a rustling of skirts.
He turned and there was the vampiress who was both his sister and his sister-in-law-
Isis.
"So getting out some safety assets I see?" Isis looked at him.
Set decided to say nothing but turned again to the bank clerk.
Isis looked at him with an amused expression and decided to test him, "So I suppose that means you too know what is really happening in Korea?".
Set paused, turn around, and looked at her in shock, "You know what's really going on?".
"What's going on is setting the stage for the return of our brother and my beloved husband, Osiris," Isis smiled at him.
* * *
To be continued.
Crazy Pierre's was one of the few Parisienne sidewalk cafes that was open as an outdoor sidewalk cafe in Paris in late November.
"So," Brother Jim whimpered slightly as he froze his nuts off in his monk's robes , "Hyung isn't with you in Paris?".
"No," Dracul shook his head, "she flew home to South Korea as soon as she heard today's news that North Korea had attacked South Korea's Yeonpyeong Island killing 2 soldiers, destroying civilian homes and wounding both civilians and soldiers."
"An extremely dangerous situation," Brother Jim remarked as he sipped his hot chocolate.
"Very dangerous," Dracul agreed.
* * *
Kim Jong-un (the designated heir to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il) was holding a meeting with the famous South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo.
"So," Kim Jong-un asked, "My one million man zombie army that you have raised from the dead is now ready?".
"Yes, Your Excellency," Sterling Makabo nodded.
"Good," Kim smiled, "if the glorious People's Democratic Republic of Korea is forced to get into a war with the U.S., Japan and the imposter government that oversees the southern half of my peninsula, I'll have an army that is already dead but still able to fight."
"That is correct," Sterling Makabo smiled as he ate the delicious pork dish that lay in front of him.
"I heard reports that you raised the artist Vincent Van Gogh temporarily from the dead last week," Kim helped himself to a steaming dish of vegetables.
"Yes," Makabo ate a pig's foot, "I got the zombie Vincent to cut off his other ear and then I mailed it to Charles Prince of Wales."
"For what purpose?" Kim asked.
"His Highness never paid me for bringing back his banana tree from the dead," Sterling answered.
* * *
Amadeus Emanon was having dinner with the vampiress songstress Angelique Dumont (who hailed from New Orleans, Louisiana) in a posh London restaurant.
"Nice to see the annoying Renfield isn't with us this evening," Angelique smiled as she smoothed her dress.
"No, he's currently in America teaching seminars to TSA airport security guards on the proper way to pat down and grope airline passengers who are getting ready for the Thanksgiving long weekend," Amadeus replied.
"Renfield is?" Angelique blinked, "And what is he using for teaching aids as he gives these seminars?".
"Every hard-core porno movie that he can find," Amadeus replied.
* * *
It was an exclusive bank in Geneva, Switzerland that kept evening hours for its rich clients.
The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was there making a withdrawal from his personal safety deposit box.
Behind him he heard a swishing and a rustling of skirts.
He turned and there was the vampiress who was both his sister and his sister-in-law-
Isis.
"So getting out some safety assets I see?" Isis looked at him.
Set decided to say nothing but turned again to the bank clerk.
Isis looked at him with an amused expression and decided to test him, "So I suppose that means you too know what is really happening in Korea?".
Set paused, turn around, and looked at her in shock, "You know what's really going on?".
"What's going on is setting the stage for the return of our brother and my beloved husband, Osiris," Isis smiled at him.
* * *
To be continued.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Renfield R. Renfield As Royal Wedding Guest?
"Who are you calling?" Amadeus Emanon asked as he noticed Renfield yacking on the phone.
"Buckingham Palace," Renfield replied, "I'm trying to see if I can get an invitation to Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding next year."
"Oh," Amadeus bit into an apple.
"Am I a friend of Prince William?" Renfield repeated the question of the person on the line, "Yes, I am. Where did I first meet His Highness? Well, he was standing outside a London pub and as I sped by in a sports car I had just stolen, I splashed His Highness with a great deal of mud from a huge puddle that was in front of the pub as I sped through in the stolen sports car. His Highness will probably remember that incident very well."
Sound of a click on the other end.
"Hello? Hello?" Renfield still spoke into the receiver, "Is there anyone there?".
* * *
"Isn't there anyone on the air?" the voice of Orson Welles from his famous 1938 The War of the Worlds radio broadcast spoke, "isn't there anyone on the air?".
"Turn the radio off, Charlie," Camilla spoke to the Prince of Wales, "listening to the deep baritone voice of Orson Welles is sending me off into orgasms I can't possibly handle at the moment."
"I know," Prince Charles grinned, "it's not everyday that one's boy gets engaged."
"Kate will soon realize what a royal pain in the ass the British press are," Camilla mused.
"Almost as big a royal pain in the ass as attending an all-boys' British public school," Prince Charles recalled an impromptu off-stage performance of Oscar Wilde Meets Lord Alfred Douglas in a broom closet at the school from his own school days.
"Don't be a bore, Charlie," Camilla sighed.
"Funny, that's exactly what the head of my house at the school said to me," the Prince of Wales poured himself a glass of fruit juice.
"What's that package on the dresser?" Camilla asked,
"I'm not sure," Prince Charles replied, "it looks like someone sent me a gift."
"Kind of unusual to send the father of the groom a gift isn't it?" Camilla asked.
"Why, yes," Prince Charles went over to the package and opened it.
The Prince of Wales then stood back in horror and exclaimed "Good Lord."
Camilla looked in the direction of the package and screamed.
For inside the opened package was a severed human ear.
* * *
"Prince Charles can no doubt expect an earful at the next family dinner he attends over controversial remarks he gave in a speech today on the importance of talking to plants to help them grow," the CNN News Announcer intoned, "in fact in California a pot grower who has become so enthused by Prince Charles' previous talks and writings on the subject has put the Prince of Wales' ideas into practice where his marijuana plants in his back yard grew an astounding 20 feet tall where it turned out they were easily visible from the nearest police station. After a raid where the man was arrested, he could be heard lamenting the failure of a Yes vote in California's recent pot referendum as he was lead away in handcuffs.
In Sacramento, California Governor-Elect Jerry Brown was asked whether the 20 foot high marijuana plants could replace the Redwood tree as a symbol for California..."
"Oh, God," Hyung exclaimed.
Dracul Van Helsing was licking whipped cream and strawberries off her breasts.
To be continued.
"Buckingham Palace," Renfield replied, "I'm trying to see if I can get an invitation to Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding next year."
"Oh," Amadeus bit into an apple.
"Am I a friend of Prince William?" Renfield repeated the question of the person on the line, "Yes, I am. Where did I first meet His Highness? Well, he was standing outside a London pub and as I sped by in a sports car I had just stolen, I splashed His Highness with a great deal of mud from a huge puddle that was in front of the pub as I sped through in the stolen sports car. His Highness will probably remember that incident very well."
Sound of a click on the other end.
"Hello? Hello?" Renfield still spoke into the receiver, "Is there anyone there?".
* * *
"Isn't there anyone on the air?" the voice of Orson Welles from his famous 1938 The War of the Worlds radio broadcast spoke, "isn't there anyone on the air?".
"Turn the radio off, Charlie," Camilla spoke to the Prince of Wales, "listening to the deep baritone voice of Orson Welles is sending me off into orgasms I can't possibly handle at the moment."
"I know," Prince Charles grinned, "it's not everyday that one's boy gets engaged."
"Kate will soon realize what a royal pain in the ass the British press are," Camilla mused.
"Almost as big a royal pain in the ass as attending an all-boys' British public school," Prince Charles recalled an impromptu off-stage performance of Oscar Wilde Meets Lord Alfred Douglas in a broom closet at the school from his own school days.
"Don't be a bore, Charlie," Camilla sighed.
"Funny, that's exactly what the head of my house at the school said to me," the Prince of Wales poured himself a glass of fruit juice.
"What's that package on the dresser?" Camilla asked,
"I'm not sure," Prince Charles replied, "it looks like someone sent me a gift."
"Kind of unusual to send the father of the groom a gift isn't it?" Camilla asked.
"Why, yes," Prince Charles went over to the package and opened it.
The Prince of Wales then stood back in horror and exclaimed "Good Lord."
Camilla looked in the direction of the package and screamed.
For inside the opened package was a severed human ear.
* * *
"Prince Charles can no doubt expect an earful at the next family dinner he attends over controversial remarks he gave in a speech today on the importance of talking to plants to help them grow," the CNN News Announcer intoned, "in fact in California a pot grower who has become so enthused by Prince Charles' previous talks and writings on the subject has put the Prince of Wales' ideas into practice where his marijuana plants in his back yard grew an astounding 20 feet tall where it turned out they were easily visible from the nearest police station. After a raid where the man was arrested, he could be heard lamenting the failure of a Yes vote in California's recent pot referendum as he was lead away in handcuffs.
In Sacramento, California Governor-Elect Jerry Brown was asked whether the 20 foot high marijuana plants could replace the Redwood tree as a symbol for California..."
"Oh, God," Hyung exclaimed.
Dracul Van Helsing was licking whipped cream and strawberries off her breasts.
To be continued.
Monday, November 15, 2010
A Gift From Comrade Kim
In Tehran, the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad received a phone call from Kim Jong-un the designated heir to North Korea's dictator Kim Jong-il.
"Thank you, Comrade Kim," Ahmadinejad smiled.
He then turned to his aide and spoke, "Comrade Kim has given me a gift. And with this gift I shall liberate al-Quds. And I shall finish the job Hitler should have finished. Most of the Jews will be dead by the time I finish using Comrade Kim's gift."
"Finish the job Hitler should have finished?" his aide blinked, "But I thought you always said there was no Holocaust. That six million Jews didn't really die."
"That was just for public consumption, you moron," Ahmadinejad spat at his aide, "Hitler was a great man. But not as great as I am."
* * *
"Megalomaniacs," CNN's Anderson Cooper looked at the camera, "what makes them tick? On the next 360."
"Enough current affairs for the day," vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan grabbed the remote and shut it off.
"Are you opposed to all current affairs?" Dracul asked as he poured a glass of champagne.
"Distant current affairs can go away," Hyung took the glass of champagne, "Intimate and very close current affairs may commence."
Hyung sipped the champagne, put a strawberry in her mouth and then brushed against Dracul Van Helsing's lips.
* * *
Renfield R. Renfield was sitting at his computer eating a tuna fish sandwich which was his favourite sandwich.
"Using my superior computer hacking skills, I just discovered something," Renfield grinned in Amadeus Emanon's direction.
"Really?" Amadeus looked up from his copy of The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam, "what did you discover?".
"Just a minute, my Persian is a little rusty," Renfield reached for his English-Persian Dictionary.
"But the maid vacuums the carpet everyday," Amadeus stated.
When Renfield gave Amadeus an angry glare, Amadeus then understood.
He looked at the back of his copy of The Rubaiyat and spoke, "It's too bad Edward FitzGerald wasn't alive today to translate for you."
"Ummm," Renfield ignored Amadeus, "That's interesting. That would be quite the major calamity and loss of life should this go ahead. Should I warn the intended target? Nah, there's nothing in it for me to warn them so I won't."
"Warn who about what?" Amadeus was curious.
"Nothing," Renfield finished the last of his tuna fish sandwich.
He then looked at the can of tuna fish on his desk and also the slices of bread.
While looking at the bread, Renfield bit his thumb, "This type of rye bread that's my favourite. I love it with my tuna fish sandwiches. Where is it made again?".
"Jerusalem," Amadeus Emanon replied.
"Did you say Jerusalem?" Renfield looked over at Amadeus.
"Yes," Amadeus nodded.
"Oh," Renfield looked downtrodden.
He then picked up the phone and called the headquarters of the Israeli Mossad where he relayed certain information.
"It turned out there was something in it for me to warn them after all," Renfield reached for another slice of rye bread.
To be continued.
"Thank you, Comrade Kim," Ahmadinejad smiled.
He then turned to his aide and spoke, "Comrade Kim has given me a gift. And with this gift I shall liberate al-Quds. And I shall finish the job Hitler should have finished. Most of the Jews will be dead by the time I finish using Comrade Kim's gift."
"Finish the job Hitler should have finished?" his aide blinked, "But I thought you always said there was no Holocaust. That six million Jews didn't really die."
"That was just for public consumption, you moron," Ahmadinejad spat at his aide, "Hitler was a great man. But not as great as I am."
* * *
"Megalomaniacs," CNN's Anderson Cooper looked at the camera, "what makes them tick? On the next 360."
"Enough current affairs for the day," vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan grabbed the remote and shut it off.
"Are you opposed to all current affairs?" Dracul asked as he poured a glass of champagne.
"Distant current affairs can go away," Hyung took the glass of champagne, "Intimate and very close current affairs may commence."
Hyung sipped the champagne, put a strawberry in her mouth and then brushed against Dracul Van Helsing's lips.
* * *
Renfield R. Renfield was sitting at his computer eating a tuna fish sandwich which was his favourite sandwich.
"Using my superior computer hacking skills, I just discovered something," Renfield grinned in Amadeus Emanon's direction.
"Really?" Amadeus looked up from his copy of The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam, "what did you discover?".
"Just a minute, my Persian is a little rusty," Renfield reached for his English-Persian Dictionary.
"But the maid vacuums the carpet everyday," Amadeus stated.
When Renfield gave Amadeus an angry glare, Amadeus then understood.
He looked at the back of his copy of The Rubaiyat and spoke, "It's too bad Edward FitzGerald wasn't alive today to translate for you."
"Ummm," Renfield ignored Amadeus, "That's interesting. That would be quite the major calamity and loss of life should this go ahead. Should I warn the intended target? Nah, there's nothing in it for me to warn them so I won't."
"Warn who about what?" Amadeus was curious.
"Nothing," Renfield finished the last of his tuna fish sandwich.
He then looked at the can of tuna fish on his desk and also the slices of bread.
While looking at the bread, Renfield bit his thumb, "This type of rye bread that's my favourite. I love it with my tuna fish sandwiches. Where is it made again?".
"Jerusalem," Amadeus Emanon replied.
"Did you say Jerusalem?" Renfield looked over at Amadeus.
"Yes," Amadeus nodded.
"Oh," Renfield looked downtrodden.
He then picked up the phone and called the headquarters of the Israeli Mossad where he relayed certain information.
"It turned out there was something in it for me to warn them after all," Renfield reached for another slice of rye bread.
To be continued.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
An Autumn Most Miserable
Trees bare and stark
leaves on the ground
but no snow around.
The snowy white covers up the look of death
giving a frosty beauty to the look of November.
But no snow white this year
only stark trees and decaying leaves.
There are no gray skies yet.
The sun still shines
but the air is cold
and the wind chills the bone.
The feel of winter is everywhere
but not the snow.
This false season that's come to this place
in this year of 2010
the days brim with bright sunshine
but the cold chills
and chills
in the frosty air
that shows no appearance of frost.
Metaphorical of this entire year for me
confronted with the cold reality of death
and from family and people I thought were friends
an icy chill
the cold breath of hatred directed towards me.
The one from whom I felt such warm love is gone
and in what they call IRL
away from the computer and cyberspace
the streets of the city where I live
are littered with clones of Narnia's White Witch and Frost Queen
disguised as summer nymphs devoid of warmth.
An Autumn Most Miserable
A poem written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
Thursday, November 11th 2010.
leaves on the ground
but no snow around.
The snowy white covers up the look of death
giving a frosty beauty to the look of November.
But no snow white this year
only stark trees and decaying leaves.
There are no gray skies yet.
The sun still shines
but the air is cold
and the wind chills the bone.
The feel of winter is everywhere
but not the snow.
This false season that's come to this place
in this year of 2010
the days brim with bright sunshine
but the cold chills
and chills
in the frosty air
that shows no appearance of frost.
Metaphorical of this entire year for me
confronted with the cold reality of death
and from family and people I thought were friends
an icy chill
the cold breath of hatred directed towards me.
The one from whom I felt such warm love is gone
and in what they call IRL
away from the computer and cyberspace
the streets of the city where I live
are littered with clones of Narnia's White Witch and Frost Queen
disguised as summer nymphs devoid of warmth.
An Autumn Most Miserable
A poem written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
Thursday, November 11th 2010.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
The Cyborg Sophia In Berlin
November 9th, 2010.
The 21st Anniversary of the coming down of the Berlin Wall.
There were some celebrations going on.
Not as many as last year which marked the 20th Anniversary of the Fall of the Berlin Wall and the end of the Cold War.
But then Sophia wasn't around last year.
At least not as a cyborg anyway- part human and part robot.
She had no memory of her life prior to her coming alive in a Moscow lab earlier this fall.
And now she was forced to work for Renfield R. Renfield- the Chief of Security and Intelligence and Espionage For Set Enterprises.
Renfield wasn't with her tonight in Berlin.
He was recovering in a London hospital from a mishap involving a firewalking experiment gone horribly wrong during a motivational seminar he was leading.
But as Sophia stood there in her white dress and black leather boots and fur coat, she was glad Renfield wasn't here.
She found him to be a pain in the ass.
She wouldn't have minded if Amadeus Emanon had been here.
But Amadeus was performing Chopin on the piano tonight in a special concert at Saint Martin's In The Fields Church in London.
So Sophia was here by herself.
Sent here to seduce someone on Renfield's orders.
She looked.
There was former Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev quietly eating a Bavarian sausage and sauerkraut that he had purchased from a Berlin street vendor.
But it wasn't Gorbachev that Sophia had been sent here to seduce.
She looked in the other direction.
It was Sir Elton John.
The British singer was here this day recalling a music video he had shot about the Berlin Wall and the Cold War some 25 years earlier.
Why Renfield wanted her to seduce Sir Elton John she did not know.
She approached the British singer.
She lifted up her dress and gave the singer a good shot of her lovely pantyhosed leg.
In hospital in London, Renfield received a text message from Sophia.
The message said, Apparently every November 9th, Sir Elton John doesn't swing in the direction of our team. He chooses to engage in a homosexual liason with some guy who dresses up as the late Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany who apparently abdicated the German Imperial Throne back on November 9th 1918.
Bloody Hell.
Why hadn't he known that?
Bloody Hell again.
Why had Sophia sent him such a long text message with no abbreviations? Under the terms of his lousy particular mobile phone contract, he'd be paying a fortune in user fees over such a long message.
To be continued.
The 21st Anniversary of the coming down of the Berlin Wall.
There were some celebrations going on.
Not as many as last year which marked the 20th Anniversary of the Fall of the Berlin Wall and the end of the Cold War.
But then Sophia wasn't around last year.
At least not as a cyborg anyway- part human and part robot.
She had no memory of her life prior to her coming alive in a Moscow lab earlier this fall.
And now she was forced to work for Renfield R. Renfield- the Chief of Security and Intelligence and Espionage For Set Enterprises.
Renfield wasn't with her tonight in Berlin.
He was recovering in a London hospital from a mishap involving a firewalking experiment gone horribly wrong during a motivational seminar he was leading.
But as Sophia stood there in her white dress and black leather boots and fur coat, she was glad Renfield wasn't here.
She found him to be a pain in the ass.
She wouldn't have minded if Amadeus Emanon had been here.
But Amadeus was performing Chopin on the piano tonight in a special concert at Saint Martin's In The Fields Church in London.
So Sophia was here by herself.
Sent here to seduce someone on Renfield's orders.
She looked.
There was former Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev quietly eating a Bavarian sausage and sauerkraut that he had purchased from a Berlin street vendor.
But it wasn't Gorbachev that Sophia had been sent here to seduce.
She looked in the other direction.
It was Sir Elton John.
The British singer was here this day recalling a music video he had shot about the Berlin Wall and the Cold War some 25 years earlier.
Why Renfield wanted her to seduce Sir Elton John she did not know.
She approached the British singer.
She lifted up her dress and gave the singer a good shot of her lovely pantyhosed leg.
In hospital in London, Renfield received a text message from Sophia.
The message said, Apparently every November 9th, Sir Elton John doesn't swing in the direction of our team. He chooses to engage in a homosexual liason with some guy who dresses up as the late Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany who apparently abdicated the German Imperial Throne back on November 9th 1918.
Bloody Hell.
Why hadn't he known that?
Bloody Hell again.
Why had Sophia sent him such a long text message with no abbreviations? Under the terms of his lousy particular mobile phone contract, he'd be paying a fortune in user fees over such a long message.
To be continued.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Renfield R. Renfield Motivational Speaker
Renfield R. Renfield was leading a motivational seminar.
Edmund Van Helsing, Dracul Van Helsing's cousin was paying a visit to the seminar incognito to see what the Chief of Security and Intelligence for the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was up to.
Edmund noticed that Amadeus Emanon was standing in the background and knowing what a talkative sort Amadeus was decided to stand next to him.
"So," Edmund said addressing Amadeus, "Renfield is putting on a motivational seminar. What inspired him to do this?".
"He was reading a blog recently about some sucker attending a Tony Robbins seminar and saying what a wonderful experience it is," Amadeus replied, "and Renfield said, don't they know that Robbins is a master hypnotist and that's how he's able to get people to walk across live coals?".
"Robbins is definitely a master hypnotist," Edmund agreed, "some think he's demonically possessed as well."
"I've met a few people who think Renfield is demonically possessed," Amadeus nodded.
On the stage, Renfield seemed to be foaming and frothing at the mouth over something or other.
A widow who was depressed over her husband's recent death approached Renfield to ask him to walk her through her grief and depression.
"Your husband's dead and not coming back," Renfield barked at her, "so get over it."
After pushing the old lady back in her seat, Renfield shouted at the audience,
"Now I AM the voice,
I will lead, not follow
I will believe, not doubt
I will create, not destroy
I AM a force for good
I AM a leader. "
"I AM," Edmund noted, "the name by which God called Himself when He spoke to Moses from the burning bush."
"The same name Jesus once called Himself," Amadeus said, "when He spoke to some of the Temple priests and the Pharisees and said, "Before Abraham was, I AM." That's why they wanted to stone Him on the spot for blasphemy since only God could claim to be I AM."
"So Renfield is claiming to be God," Edmund said.
Soon members of the audience started shouting like mindless zombies in a chantlike mantra following their leader, "I AM the voice... I will lead not follow". They followed Renfield zombielike in shouting back every line he shouted.
"They say in the New Age, everyone is a god," Amadeus remarked. "although Renfield is like the new pig masters in George Orwell's Animal Farm who said, "All animals are equal but some are more equal than others." Every one and every thing is indeed a god in this new dawning of the Age of Aquarius but Renfield fancies himself more god than others."
"I imagine that will be the opinion the Antichrist will hold of himself when he indeed arises, that everything and everyone in the universe is indeed god but he is more god than others," Edmund said.
After working the audience up into a state of ecstasy and blind frenzy which reminded Edmund of the effect Hitler had on his audiences at the Nuremburg rallies, Renfield then started having members of his audience walk across beds of hot coals.
"I wonder if Renfield is indeed demonically possessed," Edmund had brought himself a vial of Holy Water with him.
He walked up to Renfield and threw the Holy Water directly in his face.
Renfield was soon lying on the ground screaming in agony as if someone had thrown acid in his face.
The audience figuring this was now what they were supposed to be doing likewise went back on their backs and started screaming- those who landed on their backs on the hot coals seemed to be screaming more loudly than the others.
To be continued.
Edmund Van Helsing, Dracul Van Helsing's cousin was paying a visit to the seminar incognito to see what the Chief of Security and Intelligence for the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was up to.
Edmund noticed that Amadeus Emanon was standing in the background and knowing what a talkative sort Amadeus was decided to stand next to him.
"So," Edmund said addressing Amadeus, "Renfield is putting on a motivational seminar. What inspired him to do this?".
"He was reading a blog recently about some sucker attending a Tony Robbins seminar and saying what a wonderful experience it is," Amadeus replied, "and Renfield said, don't they know that Robbins is a master hypnotist and that's how he's able to get people to walk across live coals?".
"Robbins is definitely a master hypnotist," Edmund agreed, "some think he's demonically possessed as well."
"I've met a few people who think Renfield is demonically possessed," Amadeus nodded.
On the stage, Renfield seemed to be foaming and frothing at the mouth over something or other.
A widow who was depressed over her husband's recent death approached Renfield to ask him to walk her through her grief and depression.
"Your husband's dead and not coming back," Renfield barked at her, "so get over it."
After pushing the old lady back in her seat, Renfield shouted at the audience,
"Now I AM the voice,
I will lead, not follow
I will believe, not doubt
I will create, not destroy
I AM a force for good
I AM a leader. "
"I AM," Edmund noted, "the name by which God called Himself when He spoke to Moses from the burning bush."
"The same name Jesus once called Himself," Amadeus said, "when He spoke to some of the Temple priests and the Pharisees and said, "Before Abraham was, I AM." That's why they wanted to stone Him on the spot for blasphemy since only God could claim to be I AM."
"So Renfield is claiming to be God," Edmund said.
Soon members of the audience started shouting like mindless zombies in a chantlike mantra following their leader, "I AM the voice... I will lead not follow". They followed Renfield zombielike in shouting back every line he shouted.
"They say in the New Age, everyone is a god," Amadeus remarked. "although Renfield is like the new pig masters in George Orwell's Animal Farm who said, "All animals are equal but some are more equal than others." Every one and every thing is indeed a god in this new dawning of the Age of Aquarius but Renfield fancies himself more god than others."
"I imagine that will be the opinion the Antichrist will hold of himself when he indeed arises, that everything and everyone in the universe is indeed god but he is more god than others," Edmund said.
After working the audience up into a state of ecstasy and blind frenzy which reminded Edmund of the effect Hitler had on his audiences at the Nuremburg rallies, Renfield then started having members of his audience walk across beds of hot coals.
"I wonder if Renfield is indeed demonically possessed," Edmund had brought himself a vial of Holy Water with him.
He walked up to Renfield and threw the Holy Water directly in his face.
Renfield was soon lying on the ground screaming in agony as if someone had thrown acid in his face.
The audience figuring this was now what they were supposed to be doing likewise went back on their backs and started screaming- those who landed on their backs on the hot coals seemed to be screaming more loudly than the others.
To be continued.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Qonzilqointec: Close Encounters of the Vampiress Kind
The boy was about 10 years old.
He walked across the school field from the school to his home.
But it wasn't day.
It was night.
Although the boy did attend classes at the school during the day, this night from 7:30 to 9:30 PM there was an extramural Chess Club for Chess enthusiasts that ran.
So the boy attended the Chess Club.
He held his Chess set tightly in hand as he walked across the school field.
He was half way home.
It was then that he saw the bright light.
It hovered above him- this silver disk.
The boy froze.
Or at least he thought he froze.
For he couldn't move.
Then the disk seemed to open.
And a white staircase emerged from the disk.
Down the staircase walked the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life.
She wore a long red evening dress with black frills around her waist and elbows. He caught a glimpse of shimmering black silk pantyhose and noticed she wore vigourously polished and sparkling shiny red spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.
Then she smiled at him.
Her teeth were glistening snowy icy white and she had huge incisors in her mouth like he recalled seeing on those vampiresses in those old British Hammer Studios horror movies with Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing that he loved so well.
The top of her dress was extremely low cut and she showed ample breasts and bosom and cleavage as did those vampiresses in those old British Hammer Studios horror movies with Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing- one of the reasons he loved those movies so well.
She picked the boy up and carried him up the staircase.
Then she took the boy's clothes off and bathed him in the most antiseptic looking bathtub he had ever seen in his life.
Then she towelled him dry.
Then she took the boy to a couch underneath a huge spotlight.
She sat down on the couch, took the boy over her knee and then spanked him hard and vigourously for what seemed hours.
* * *
The boy woke up.
He was in bed.
It must have been a dream.
He looked out the window and noticed a bright light leaving his back yard.
As the bright light flew farther away, it gave the appearance of being a silver disk- much like those old UFO flying saucers he recalled seeing in old 1950s sci-fi movies he'd watch on Saturday afternoon cinemas on TV.
He also felt an extremely warm and burning hot (although extremely pleasant for some reason) sensation on his back side.
* * *
Dracul Van Helsing stood on the top floor of the observatory and gazed through the telescope.
His acquaintance and friend the Jesuit astronomer Father Jose Santeiros asked him, "Do you see what I see?".
The way the Jesuit astronomer worded the question reminded him of the lyrics from that old Christmas children's carol The Little Drummer Boy, "Do you see what I see?".
"Yes, you've found an ET, Father Jose," Dracul nodded, "a real live ET on Saturn's moon Titan."
"It's a strange looking creature," Father Santeiros remarked.
"A feathered serpent," Dracul replied, "a snake with wings."
"Indeed, that's what it looks like," Father Santeiros nodded.
"It's the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl," Dracul answered, "I was there when the Egyptian vampiress Isis and the Greek vampiress Athena cast a magical spell sending it back to Saturn's moon Titan."
"What?" Father Santeiros looked incredulous.
"Yes," Dracul nodded, "the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had ripped out my still beating heart on top of an Mexican Aztec pyramid in a human sacrifice to bring him back to Earth from Titan where he had been apparently exiled back in December, 1531. She succeeded in bringing the old snake back but Isis and Athena arrived, put my heart back in place and then sent Quetzalcoatl back to Titan."
"Why would Isis and Athena want Quetzalcoatl back on Titan?" Father Santeiros asked.
"Isis doesn't want any competition from any other gods when her husband/lover/brother Osiris returns to Earth in 2012," Dracul smiled, "ditto for Athena whose father Zeus has emerged again in the world in this year of 2010.".
"He has?" Father Santeiros didn't know whether to believe Dracul or not, "but won't Zeus and Osiris fight one another for control of the earth?".
"Oh, probably," Dracul ate an apple, "but at least they won't have another rival to contend with. Although Quetzalcoatl is supposed to return in the year 2012 as well according to some. Which would make it a 3 deity contest for control of the Earth anyway."
* * *
Dracul Van Helsing walked back to his car from the observatory.
It was then that he noticed the bright light in the sky.
The bright light became a silver disk.
And from the disk a white stairway.
Down the stairway emerged the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec dressed in a low cut red evening dress with black frills around the waist and elbows, black silk pantyhose and red spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.
"Dracul Van Helsing," Princess Qonzilqointec smiled with her sparkling white teeth and vampiric incisors.
"Your Highness," Dracul bowed.
"So that priest has spotted my spiritual godfather Quetzalcoatl through his telescope," Qonzilqointec said, "is he now going to tell the world?."
"Not yet," Dracul replied.
"Good," Qonzilqointec smiled, "so I won't have to kill him."
"Like you did me atop that pyramid 5 years ago," Dracul noted.
"I held your heart in my hands," Qonzilqointec stepped towards him, "and then Isis and Athena came along and ruined everything."
"For my sake, I'm glad they did," Dracul smiled.
"I suppose you remember that first meeting of ours," Qonzilqointec laughed, "where I ripped out your still beating heart with my high priestess black obsidian knife and held it in my hands."
"That wasn't our first meeting," Dracul said.
"What do you mean that wasn't our first meeting?" Qonzilqointec sputtered, "when had we met before then?".
"Don't you remember?" Dracul smiled, "I was a boy about 10 years old and walking back across the school field from my Chess Club meeting and you came down in your Tesla prototype flying saucer which I see you still have and picked me up?".
"You remember that?" Qonzilqointec gasped.
"LIke it was yesterday," Dracul answered.
* * *
To be continued.
The above is the 1st chapter of the 2nd book of my Vampire Hunter trilogy.
He walked across the school field from the school to his home.
But it wasn't day.
It was night.
Although the boy did attend classes at the school during the day, this night from 7:30 to 9:30 PM there was an extramural Chess Club for Chess enthusiasts that ran.
So the boy attended the Chess Club.
He held his Chess set tightly in hand as he walked across the school field.
He was half way home.
It was then that he saw the bright light.
It hovered above him- this silver disk.
The boy froze.
Or at least he thought he froze.
For he couldn't move.
Then the disk seemed to open.
And a white staircase emerged from the disk.
Down the staircase walked the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life.
She wore a long red evening dress with black frills around her waist and elbows. He caught a glimpse of shimmering black silk pantyhose and noticed she wore vigourously polished and sparkling shiny red spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.
Then she smiled at him.
Her teeth were glistening snowy icy white and she had huge incisors in her mouth like he recalled seeing on those vampiresses in those old British Hammer Studios horror movies with Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing that he loved so well.
The top of her dress was extremely low cut and she showed ample breasts and bosom and cleavage as did those vampiresses in those old British Hammer Studios horror movies with Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing- one of the reasons he loved those movies so well.
She picked the boy up and carried him up the staircase.
Then she took the boy's clothes off and bathed him in the most antiseptic looking bathtub he had ever seen in his life.
Then she towelled him dry.
Then she took the boy to a couch underneath a huge spotlight.
She sat down on the couch, took the boy over her knee and then spanked him hard and vigourously for what seemed hours.
* * *
The boy woke up.
He was in bed.
It must have been a dream.
He looked out the window and noticed a bright light leaving his back yard.
As the bright light flew farther away, it gave the appearance of being a silver disk- much like those old UFO flying saucers he recalled seeing in old 1950s sci-fi movies he'd watch on Saturday afternoon cinemas on TV.
He also felt an extremely warm and burning hot (although extremely pleasant for some reason) sensation on his back side.
* * *
Dracul Van Helsing stood on the top floor of the observatory and gazed through the telescope.
His acquaintance and friend the Jesuit astronomer Father Jose Santeiros asked him, "Do you see what I see?".
The way the Jesuit astronomer worded the question reminded him of the lyrics from that old Christmas children's carol The Little Drummer Boy, "Do you see what I see?".
"Yes, you've found an ET, Father Jose," Dracul nodded, "a real live ET on Saturn's moon Titan."
"It's a strange looking creature," Father Santeiros remarked.
"A feathered serpent," Dracul replied, "a snake with wings."
"Indeed, that's what it looks like," Father Santeiros nodded.
"It's the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl," Dracul answered, "I was there when the Egyptian vampiress Isis and the Greek vampiress Athena cast a magical spell sending it back to Saturn's moon Titan."
"What?" Father Santeiros looked incredulous.
"Yes," Dracul nodded, "the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had ripped out my still beating heart on top of an Mexican Aztec pyramid in a human sacrifice to bring him back to Earth from Titan where he had been apparently exiled back in December, 1531. She succeeded in bringing the old snake back but Isis and Athena arrived, put my heart back in place and then sent Quetzalcoatl back to Titan."
"Why would Isis and Athena want Quetzalcoatl back on Titan?" Father Santeiros asked.
"Isis doesn't want any competition from any other gods when her husband/lover/brother Osiris returns to Earth in 2012," Dracul smiled, "ditto for Athena whose father Zeus has emerged again in the world in this year of 2010.".
"He has?" Father Santeiros didn't know whether to believe Dracul or not, "but won't Zeus and Osiris fight one another for control of the earth?".
"Oh, probably," Dracul ate an apple, "but at least they won't have another rival to contend with. Although Quetzalcoatl is supposed to return in the year 2012 as well according to some. Which would make it a 3 deity contest for control of the Earth anyway."
* * *
Dracul Van Helsing walked back to his car from the observatory.
It was then that he noticed the bright light in the sky.
The bright light became a silver disk.
And from the disk a white stairway.
Down the stairway emerged the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec dressed in a low cut red evening dress with black frills around the waist and elbows, black silk pantyhose and red spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.
"Dracul Van Helsing," Princess Qonzilqointec smiled with her sparkling white teeth and vampiric incisors.
"Your Highness," Dracul bowed.
"So that priest has spotted my spiritual godfather Quetzalcoatl through his telescope," Qonzilqointec said, "is he now going to tell the world?."
"Not yet," Dracul replied.
"Good," Qonzilqointec smiled, "so I won't have to kill him."
"Like you did me atop that pyramid 5 years ago," Dracul noted.
"I held your heart in my hands," Qonzilqointec stepped towards him, "and then Isis and Athena came along and ruined everything."
"For my sake, I'm glad they did," Dracul smiled.
"I suppose you remember that first meeting of ours," Qonzilqointec laughed, "where I ripped out your still beating heart with my high priestess black obsidian knife and held it in my hands."
"That wasn't our first meeting," Dracul said.
"What do you mean that wasn't our first meeting?" Qonzilqointec sputtered, "when had we met before then?".
"Don't you remember?" Dracul smiled, "I was a boy about 10 years old and walking back across the school field from my Chess Club meeting and you came down in your Tesla prototype flying saucer which I see you still have and picked me up?".
"You remember that?" Qonzilqointec gasped.
"LIke it was yesterday," Dracul answered.
* * *
To be continued.
The above is the 1st chapter of the 2nd book of my Vampire Hunter trilogy.
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