Michelangelo's Vision of Another Last Judgement?

Renfield R. Renfield was communicating via computer with Michelangelo the psychic lobster's thought processes.

Michelangelo like the Leonardo DiCaprio character in the movie Inception could enter people's dreams.

What Michelangelo saw in the dreams appeared on Renfield's computer.

Renfield had Michelangelo examining the dreams of former U.S. President Jimmy Carter who was resting quietly in a hospital in Cleveland.

"Yes, I imagine if I had to fly to Cleveland," Renfield quipped, "I'd get sick to my stomach in the middle of my flight too."

Renfield looked at the images Michelangelo was seeing, "What the f---? What sort of person in his dreams is actually dreaming about building houses for people to live in who couldn't afford them otherwise?".

"Jimmy Carter does obviously," Amadeus said as he munched on a peanut butter sandwich.

"Michelangelo," Renfield spoke into the computer microphone, "enter Bill Clinton's dreams instead."

Michelangelo did so and within an instant other images appeared on screen.

"Oh, yes, this is so much more interesting," Renfield smiled, "I'm going to record these with my screen saver and add them to the porno movies I'm making."

"Is that physically possible?" Amadeus asked as he stopped in the middle of the peanut butter sandwich he was eating and stared in shock at what he saw on the screen.

"You must remember this is a dream you're watching so it doesn't really correspond to what one can do in reality," Renfield replied, "I wonder what Bill would pay me not to show these images to Hillary?".

"I don't see Hillary in any of these shots," Amadeus continued to eat his peanut butter sandwich.

"She isn't," Renfield replied.

"Oh," Amadeus finished his sandwich.

"Try Bill Gates' dreams now," Renfield ordered Michelangelo.

An image of Bill Gates appeared on the screen.

Amadeus announced, "I've just lost my appetite."

Renfield said, "So have I. I think in his dreams, Bill Gates is in his bedroom looking at what he's currently doing up on the mirror of his bedroom ceiling."

Amadeus looked on in horror, "Is that also a computer he's using while he's also engaged in... you know..."

"It is a computer," Renfield smiled, "and I'm sure Steve Jobs would be interested to know what sort of computer Bill Gates uses in his dreams. Note to screen saver: Save this shot. This can possibly be used to extract money from Bill Gates later."

Suddenly another image appeared on screen.

"Is that part of Bill Gates' dream?" Amadeus asked.

"I can't believe it," Renfield shook his head, "Michelangelo on his own has entered another person's dreams..."

The person in the dream was looking at toy soldiers, "Thanks to dear Daddy, I no longer have to play with wooden soldiers. Now I can play with real ones..."

The person laughed a sinister laugh.

* * *

South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing were asleep in the bedroom of their Paris hotel room.

Although Hyung was having trouble sleeping.

Ever since she saw that disturbing news story on the late night news this evening that North Korea's dictator Kim Jong-il had named his 27-year-old son Kim Jong-un (who had no military experience) a four-star general in the North Korean Army, she had been having unpleasant dreams.

"Get out of the way," Hyung booted a lobster out of the way with her spiked stiletto heels and then looked at the figure playing with toy soldiers

She recognized him immediately.

"Thanks to dear Daddy," the new North Korean 4-star general said, "I no longer have to play with wooden soldiers. Now I can play with real ones. To say nothing of those lovely missiles dear Daddy built and what can be put in them with all that lovely uranium we're producing in our enrichment plants..."


To be continued.

Amadeus Meets Sophia

When Amadeus entered the sitting room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's colossal London mansion, he was surprised to see a very beautiful red-headed woman sitting there wearing a black velvety blouse, short lilac purple skirt, pinkish red silk pantyhose and lilac purple spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

"Oh, hello," Amadeus said.

"Hello," the redhead answered in a somewhat automated voice.

"Would you care for some black licorice?" Amadeus handed her his bag, "it's my favourite."

"All right," the redhead accepted the licorice, "we'll see if it computes with my system."

"Are you the cyborg called Sophia?" Amadeus asked.

"I am," the redhead nodded.

"How are you liking London?" Amadeus queried.

"The fish n' chips here are excellent," the cyborg actually managed a smile.

"I agree," Amadeus likewise smiled, "although I did have Black Sea sturgeon and beets in a Russian tea shop the other day which I thoroughly enjoyed."

"I don't know if I've ever tried that," the cyborg said, "I don't remember much of my life before my human body was merged with the body of a robot."

"But you know fish n' chips?" Amadeus bit into his black licorice.

"My creator's security guard loves fish n' chips," Sophia replied.

"That's the one who sleeps with his eyes open?" Amadeus inquired.

"Yes," Sophia nodded, "how did you know that?".

"Renfield uses Michelangelo the psychic lobster to enter the guard's dreams while he's sleep watching," Amadeus replied, "that's how he found out about your creation."

"Interesting," Sophia blinked, "and now I'm to work for Renfield for six months."

"Apparently," Amadeus offered her another piece of licorice.

"Thanks," Sophia took the licorice.

She bit into the licorice and then spoke thoughtfully, "It's hard not knowing who you really are. It's hard having been just created in a laboratory."

"I know what you mean," Amadeus replied, "I was just genetically cloned in a lab a few years ago from the DNA of Charles Manson, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Alan Rickman."

"Charles Manson?" Sophia bit deep into the licorice, "wasn't he a notorious murderer and cult leader from the 1960s?".

"He was," Amadeus bit into his licorice in helter skelter fashion.

"So are you a murderer?" Sophia asked.

"I try not to be," Amadeus finished the last of his licorice, "I think I take more after Mozart's DNA and Alan Rickman's than I do Manson's."

"Yet Alan Rickman played the murderous Severus Snape," Sophia noted.

"Well that's just a character Rickman played," Amadeus responded, "I don't think Mr. Rickman is like that in real life. But..."

Amadeus suddenly stopped reaching for his peanut butter and jam sandwich from his ziplock plastic bag.

"What is it?" Sophia asked.

"Have you read all the Harry Potter books or seen all the Harry Potter films in the few weeks since Dr. Nicht Werfhoffen created you in his Moscow laboratory?" Amadeus asked.

"No," Sophia shook her head.

"So how," Amadeus took a bite of his peanut butter and jam sandwich, "did you know about Alan Rickman playing Severus Snape? How had you even heard of Charles Manson for that matter?".

"My God, you're right," Sophia blinked her beautiful green eyes again, "I must still remember some things from the time I was fully human. Before my human body was merged with the body of a robot."


To be continued.

The Egyptian Vampire Set's TV Commercial

Renfield and Amadeus Emanon are watching television.

On the screen, subtitles say Somewhere on The 38th Parallel of the Korean Peninsula.

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set is seen standing in front of a sports car on the border.

"Comrade Kim Jong-il is late for his meeting with me and it's almost sunrise," Set looks at his watch.

Suddenly a Rolls-Royce limousine approaches.

"This must be Comrade Kim now," Set smiles.

The limousine opens and out steps South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan in a short leather mini dress, black silk fishnet pantyhose and black spiked stiletto heels.

"My God, stop her," Set orders his North Korean honour guard.

Hyung single handedly battles all the members of Set's North Korean honour guard. Knocking them all to the ground and kicking them with her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

Set looks at his watch, "Egad, almost sunrise and there's Hyung the most fierce vampire huntress in the world standing there with her holy water blessed crossbow with a hawthorne wooden stake for an arrow."

Set leaps into his car.

TV announcer's voice: The new Qonzilqointec Electric Car is available with tinted windows able to block out many or all of the sun's harmful ultra-violet rays. Your choice. And since it runs on a high-powered lithium electric battery, you don't have to worry about suddenly running out of gas. So it makes your day or your night easier."

Set's Qonzilqointec Electric Car is seen driving full speed ahead into the sunrise.

Renfield smiled, "The boss should be pleased about his commercial."

Amadeus Emanon helped himself to his popcorn, "So the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec hired Dracul Van Helsing to write this commercial and both James Cameron and Quentin Tarantino to direct it. A sexy woman in a short skirt and spiked stiletto heels beating people up certainly shows Tarantino's input to say nothing of Dracul Van Helsing's. But where's Cameron's influence?".

Renfield answered, "The moon that was fading in the night sky just as the sun was rising happened to be a blue moon, didn't you notice that?".

"Oh, once in a blue moon," Amadeus replied.

"And the glove compartment in the new Qonzilqointec Electric Car is called Pandora's Box," Renfield pointed out.

* * *

In a hotel room in Paris, South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing are lying in bed watching the commercial Dracul had written.

"I can't believe instead of killing the vampire Set," Hyung shook her head, "we allow him to live and do a TV commercial in which I co-star."

"A living Set might come in handy in the future," Dracul answered.

"I don't see how," Hyung shook her head.

On the TV, a CNN documentary was shown whereby the priest-theologian Herr Hans talked about the Vampire Osiris' return to Earth in 2012.

Dracul pointed at the TV screen.

To be continued.

Tea With Renfield and Dr. Nicht Werhoffen

Renfield R. Renfield had invited the Russian FSB's leading scientist Dr. Nicht Werhoffen to a Russian tea shop in the midst of downtown London.

"Thanks," Dr. Werhoffen coughed after he swallowed the lemon in his tea, "we certainly don't have samovars or tea with lemon in Moscow."

"That's funny, I thought they did," Amadeus Emanon squeezed the lemon in his tea.

"I was being facetious when I said that," Dr. Werhoffen looked with annoyance at Amadeus.

"You're probably wondering why I invited you to drink Russian tea in London," Renfield smiled.

"I was actually," Dr. Werhoffen looked intently at Renfield.

"Funny, I've never been invited to drink British tea in Moscow," Amadeus remarked while looking to see if they had Fish and Chips on The Czar Nicholas II Tea Shop Menu.

"Shut up, Amadeus," Renfield and Dr. Werhoffen both snapped.

"I'll have the Black Sea sturgeon and a side of beets," Amadeus told the waitress figuring it was the nearest thing to British cod and chips.

"So why am I here?" Dr. Werhoffen asked.

"You know man has asked that question since the time of Socrates and Plato," Amadeus interjected, "even Jean-Paul Sarte had trouble answering it while he was busy banging Simone de Beauvoir in the bedroom of their Paris apartment."

Renfield and Dr. Werhoffen looked sharply at Amadeus.

Renfield when he had received the tuna fish sandwich spoke, "I understand you've created a sexy looking female redheaded cyborg?".

"How did you know that?" Dr. Werhoffen looked surprised.

"Through Michelangelo the psychic lobster," Amadeus said as he helped himself to a lobster leg on a bun appetizer.

Renfield kicked Amadeus under the table.

"So what about it?" Dr. Werhoffen asked.

"I would like to borrow it (or her if you have feelings for the cyborg) for six months," Renfield said.

"Impossible," Dr. Werhoffen shook his head, "the Prime Minister of Russia wouldn't allow it."

"Well, why don't you email dear old Vladimir and ask him?" Renfield smiled.

Dr. Werhoffen took out his iPhone and emailed the Prime Minister of Russia.

"Mein Gott," Dr. Werhoffen slipped back into his native German, "he says ja."

Earlier that morning, Renfield had emailed a very interesting photo he had stolen from the Russian Secret Archives a couple of years ago. He thought the photo would come in handy some day. The photo showed the late former Russian President Boris Yeltsin doing very strange things in a hot tub with the current Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin.

"I'll expect the cyborg Sophia at my door sometime tomorrow afternoon," Renfield instructed.

"Wow, this is pretty hot for National Geographic," Amadeus remarked as he was reading a description of her masturbatory fantasies written by a young and beautiful Malaysian Iban woman- a descendent of head hunters on the island of Borneo.

To be continued.

London At Night

Sometimes it was nice to get away from Renfield.

To get away from the mansion.

To get away from the feeling of darkness that hovered over him in the mansion and with Renfield.

Amadeus stood looking at the bright lights of London.

How alive this city felt.

It indeed felt like the hub of the world.

It was no longer the capital of a vast empire but it felt like the place where everything happened.

What was parliament planning?

What were the money markets of the City of London planning?

Who was asleep in the City tonight?

Who was awake in the City tonight?

What was stirring?

His boss the multi-billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set would be out walking the streets in search of human blood.

Renfield would be on his computer in the mansion or down at the Set Enterprises lab hatching his latest scheme for power and control and ultimately world domination.

And he?

What was he Amadeus doing?

Observing the bright lights of the City of London.

For one brief hour- freedom.

Freedom from Renfield.

Freedom from Set.

Freedom from- well God knows what.

Amadeus strolled the streets towards home- if indeed home is what one could call the Set mansion.

Worshipped as a deity in ancient Egypt, Set was considered the god of the night and of the desert.

When one considered Set and his mansion in the great metropolis of London, Amadeus thought to himself, how little has changed in 3000 years.


To be continued.

Renfield Finds An Interesting Photo

"Interesting," Renfield said as he looked at the photo generated from the computer.

"What's that?" Amadeus asked.

"This photo generated by the computer from the thought processes of Michelangelo the psychic lobster," Renfield replied, "apparently Dr. Nicht Werhoffen's security guard with narcolepsy fell asleep with his eyes open again in a room in the Palace of Peace and Harmony in Astana, Khazakhstan. Anyways it turns out a certain leading British cabinet minister who's also married was making out with some red-headed woman who wasn't his wife on the circular wooden altar inside this room."

"That is interesting," Amadeus chewed a peanut butter sandwich, "Made of wood you say? Did anybody get splinters while they were making out?".

"I don't know," Renfield shrugged, "but anyways this should give the boss and I leverage over this particular British cabinet minister."


* * *

Inside one of the offices of the Westminster Parliament, a British cabinet minister held his head buried in his hands as he showed his aide the photograph he just got in an email.

"If the British press and public get ahold of this not to mention your wife..." his aide said.

"And to top it off, if that photo gets out, the whole world shall know that I have photographs of Sir Winston Churchill emblazoned on my boxer briefs," the cabinet minister moaned.


To be continued.

Sex and Cyborgs and Politics

There is a wooden circular altar in the Palace of Peace and Harmony (also known as the Peace Pyramid) in Astana, Khazakhstan. In the center of the wooden altar is a wooden globe of the world surrounded by wooden spokes signed by representatives of 17 different religions across the globe.

Last night, a 14-year-old Russian girl named Maria had been killed in a human sacrifice performed by the Vampiress Morgana atop that altar.

This morning an Israeli secret agent and an Iranian secret agent had shot one another at point blank range at the altar.

"What a bloody mess," the Peace Pyramid's one-eyed, one-armed, one-legged janitor had remarked.

Although the bodies had been removed, all the blood hadn't been washed away yet since the Peace Pyramid's one-eyed, one-armed, one-legged janitor had not yet received his monthly order of Amway cleaning solution from the Amway corporate pyramid.

As that old 1960s song "He's a one-eyed one-horned flying purple people eater..." played on the Peace Pyramid's intercom system, the newly created red-headed cyborg Sophia wearing a purple mini dress, green silk nylons and purple spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes stood on top of the wooden globe on the wooden circular altar and performed an Irish dance routine from Michael Flatley's Riverdance.

Watching her perform was a leading cabinet minister from British Prime Minister David Cameron's new government who was on a state visit to Khazakhstan.

He had dropped in to see this Palace of Peace and Harmony aka the Peace Pyramid that was the architectual marvel creation of British architect Sir Norman Foster.

The red-headed cyborg Sophia suddenly stopped dancing when she noticed the British cabinet minister and then speaking in a sexy yet very automated computer sounding voice, she said, "My, what a big erection you have..."

"The better to fuck you with my dear," said the British cabinet minister whose hobby was rewriting old fairy tales as modern day rapper songs.

"Then do it to me now," the red-headed cyborg Sophia leaned back atop the globe, lifted her purple mini dress, pulled down her green silk pantyhose (she wasn't wearing any panties) and waited for his entry.

The British cabinet minister eagerly pulled down his pants and his Winston Churchill photographic image boxer shorts and mounted her atop the globe.

As Sophia moaned in cyborgic orgasm, the Peace Pyramid's intercom system played that old 1970s Captain and Tennille song, "Do that to me one more time, I can never get enough of a man like you..."

In the meantime, FSB scientist Dr. Nicht Werhoffen (of the former East German Stasi) silently watched his cyborgic creation perform all the right moves.

Dr. Werhoffen smiled.

Watching all those hard-core Japanese porn films had come in handy.

And to think the Russian Finance Ministry had complained when all those credit card bills for those sites had shown up on his expense accounts.

To be continued.

The Vampiress Morgana In Astana, Khazakhstan

The Welsh Vampiress Morgana was in the Kazakhstani capital of Astana.

She had received a text message from the ancient Canaanite god Moloch inviting her to be there.

Strange the Vampiress Morgana thought as she stood there in her red evening dress.

Everyone was using text messages these days.

Even ancient Canaanite gods.

A 14-year-old girl named Maria had been found wandering the streets of Moscow homeless by Dr. Nicht Werhoffen the FSB disciple of Moloch.

She was blonde and pretty.

She could easily have wound up in the Russian Mafia's sex trade if Dr. Werhoffen hadn't found her.

But this girl would now serve a more important purpose than serving the pleasures of men.

She would serve the pleasures of demons.

There were many pretty and young homeless girls walking the darkened streets and back alleys of Moscow if one knew where to look.

And Dr. Nicht Werhoffen knew where to look.

So why this girl and not some other?

"What is your name?" Dr. Werhoffen had asked the pretty young blonde girl with Mediterranean blue eyes.

"Maria," she had replied.

What's in a name? Shakespeare had once asked.

Well in the case of Maria, the fact that she had this name Maria explained why she was now tied in ropes aboard a circular wooden altar whose center was a wooden globe of the world and attached to the wooden globe were wooden spokes signed by representatives of 17 different religions across the globe.

And Moloch had been very specific.

A young virgin female named Maria must be sacrificed on this date- September 15th, 2010 in this very place.

Dr. Werhoffen had found a girl named Maria. An examination of her vagina showed an intact hymen.

Dr. Werhoffen was surprised that a 14-year-old virgin female would actually exist in post-Soviet Russia.

The Welsh Vampiress Morgana being a follower of the ancient Celtic religions knew how to sacrifice.

The knife the red dress vampiress held came down and cut out young Maria's ovaries.

She then placed the ovaries in a small statue of Moloch (whose center was a small fiery furnace) that sat atop the wooden globe in the pyramid shaped Palace of Peace and Harmony in the Kazakhstani capital of Astana.

The ovaries were then burnt.

Morgana then helped herself to a bottle of Coca-Cola from a nearby cooler.

She smiled with her vampiric incisors and then sat atop the wooden globe with her legs spread, singing, "I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony..."

"Are they filming a Lady Gaga music video in here?" a tourist asked his wife after he had inadvertently witnessed the spectacle.


To be continued.

Of Capstones and Pyramids and Isis In Astana, Khazakhstan

In the Khazakhstani city of Astana in what once was part of the former Soviet Union, a huge pyramid dominates the city skyline. Topped by a Pythagorean capstone of sun-drenched splendor, it seems to absorb the sunlight and casts its own bright illumination over the city's skyline at night.

The pyramid is affectionately known as the Peace Pyramid. Its official name is the Palace of Peace and Harmony. It was conceived and designed by British architect Sir Norman Foster and officially opened in September 2006.

The Egyptian vampiress Isis stood hovering in the air underneath the capstone of sun-drenched splendor. She was one of the few vampiresses in the world who because of a special power she had was immune to sunlight and could walk in the day as well as the night.

Arrayed in a magnificent white dress and gold spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes, she seemed to bask in the energy underneath the capstone.

Underneath her a 12-year-old boy sat on the floor directly beneath her, looking up her dress and doing what most 12-year-old boys are prone to do when greeted by such a sight.

"Nursultan," his mother shrieked, "what did I tell you about masturbating- never mind masturbating in public. If you don't stop it, you'll go blind."

The Egyptian vampiress Isis (who was busy contemplating how she and her lover and husband and brother Osiris would rule the world together from this palace when he returned to the Earth from his exile on a planet near the star Sirius in 2012) looked down when she heard the commotion.

When she saw what the young Nursultan was looking at and what he was doing, her eyes quite literally emitted fire.

The fire came down like an intense laser ray and burnt out the retinas and corneas of young Nursultan in both his eyes.

"Mom, you're right," Nursultan screamed, "I'm blind."

"See, what did I tell you?" his mother went over and slapped the blind boy.

The Egyptian vampiress Isis descended to the ground from the air and walked away.

To be continued.

Doing Moloch's Work

Inside the Moscow crematorium, the bodies of still living people were sent into the fiery furnace.

The living screamed and screamed but no one heard their cries.

Doctor Nicht Werhoffen a former scientist for the former East German Stasi who now worked for the Russian FSB ever since the collapse of Communism in Central and Eastern Europe smiled as he heard their screams.

The furnace was in a peculiar shape- the shape of the ancient Canaanite god Moloch.

When the last living victim had gone through the furnace, Dr. Werhoffen took an elevator to a lab underneath the crematorium.

There Dr. Werhoffen communicated via computer with another entity.

The entity was the ancient god Moloch.

"Do you approve of the offering?" the former dialectical materialist asked the ancient deity.

An icon of Moloch on the computer screen grinned.

"So will you breathe life into the cyborg?" Dr. Werhoffen asked.

The icon nodded.

Dr. Werhoffen pushed a button and from a huge glass cylinder on a table emerged what looked to be the nude body of a very attractive redheaded woman.

"Behold the fair Sophia," Dr. Werhoffen smiled.

At his post at the lab door, the narcoleptically inclined security guard slept with his eyes open.


* * *

At Set Enterprises Laboratory in London, Renfield was in computer conversation with the psychic lobster Michelangelo- the genetically created lobster with the power to enter people's dreams.

On the computer screen, Renfield could observe what Michelangelo the psychic lobster was observing.

"This is interesting," Renfield remarked to Amadeus, "I don't think what I'm seeing is entirely a dream."

"No," Amadeus helped himself to some Turkish Delight candies, "what is it?".

Renfield looked at the screen as a beautiful curvacious naked redhead opened her eyes and stood up.

"Not quite sure," Renfield smiled, "but I've got an idea."

To be continued.

Qonzilqointec, James Cameron and Quentin Tarantino

James Cameron the director of Titanic and Avatar was sitting in his office reading a magazine.

"I can't believe it," Cameron threw down the magazine, "some people are claiming I got the plot for Avatar from the Disney cartoon Pocahontas. Where did they ever get that idea?."

Cameron's secretary approaches him, "Mr. Cameron, Dracul Van Helsing wants you to direct a TV commercial he's writing."

"A fellow Canadian and the noted vampire hunter," Cameron blinked, "where he would he get the money to afford me?".

"From the Aztec vampire princess Qonqilqointec," his secretary answered, "she'll pay you $500 million."

"All right," Cameron agreed.

"You're going to have a co-director for the commercial," his secretary said.

"Really?" Cameron blinked again, "who will that be?".

* * *

Quentin Tarantino the director of Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill was sitting in his office reading a magazine.

"I can't believe it," Tarantino threw down the magazine, "some people are claiming there's too much violence in my movies. Where did they ever get that idea?".

Tarantino's secretary approaches him, "Mr. Tarantino, Dracul Van Helsing wants you to direct a TV commercial he's writing."

"Dracul Van Helsing the noted Canadian vampire hunter," Tarantino blinked, "where would he get the money to afford me?".

"From the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec," his secretary answered, "she'll pay you $500 million."

"All right," Tarantino agreed.

"You're going to have a co-director for the commercial," his secretary said, "James Cameron."

* * *

"I just hope that too many chefs don't spoil the soup," Amadeus Emanon said as he threw the lobster into the pot.

"You just threw the psychic lobster Michelangelo into the pot," Renfield shouted, "get it out. Set Laboratories spent a fortune developing his psychic abilities."

Amadeus grabbed some prongs and removed the lobster and put him under cold water.

* * *

Examining the computer attuned to Michelangelo's thoughts, Dr. Cadbury Rocher looked in shock at the screen, "What an outburst of profanity from Michelangelo."



* * *

In the exclusive hotel room penthouse suite in New York City, the bell boy opened the door of the room.

And there seated on the sofa was the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec dressed in an exquisite black evening dress, black silk nylons and black spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

Across her lap was the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing who was being spanked on the bare bottom by the Aztec vampiress Qonzilqointec wielding a sturdy leather paddle.

On the radio, the voice of Larry King could be heard, "Our guest tonight is Anne Rice who will be discussing the unusual ways in which vampire novelists and writers in general are inspired to write their works."

To be continued.

Werewolf TV Commercial

"So, Boss," Renfield smiled, "you'll be doing a commercial for the new Qonzilqointec Electric Car."

"This is wonderful news," Set answered as he fed on a crocodile.

"Is that still alive?" Amadeus asked when he noticed the crocodile seemed to be snapping before going down the throat of the multi-billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire.

"The master likes his crocodiles very very rare," Athelstan the valet and gentleman's gentleman to Set answered.

* * *

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and Dracul Van Helsing were in a hot tub together.

"So, any ideas for a commercial?" Qonzilqointec asked with her incisors sparkling as her head rose up out of the water.

"My, what sharp teeth you have," Dracul answered, "and yes, an idea for a commercial has come to me."

On the radio, Josh Groban could be heard singing the Don McLean lyrics, "Starry, starry night..."

* * *

With the full moon rising in the background, the werewolf looked at the camera and said, "So you're out on a hot date, you're about to get lucky with the girl of your dreams and she says..."

Girl In Red Dress: Darling isn't it a lovely full moon tonight?

Werewolf: And you say...

Boy (rising quickly out of the front seat of the convertible overlooking Lover's Lane): Oh, Jesus, a full moon...

(Girl in red dress screams as the boy turns into a werewolf)

Werewolf: Now you may have difficulty explaining to your loved one the sudden appearance of a full 5 o' clock shadow at midnight on a moonlit night so don't even try... Instead reach for your Gillette shaving cream and Gillette razor and start shaving away...

Boy (after shaving): See darling, your big bad wolf is just a college boy in sheep's clothing (for I'm wearing a wool sweater) after all...

Girl in Red Dress: Oh, Henry... (she throws him to the seat and mounts him)...

Announcer: Gillette, the best a man (or a werewolf) can get...

* * *

Qonzilqointec: I can't believe Gillette turned down your idea for a commercial...

Dracul Van Helsing: Neither can I....


To be continued.

Princess Qonzilqointec In New York City

Midnight. New York City. Down by the waterfront.

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec seems out of place in her pale green evening dress, jade necklace and cobalt blue spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

A drunken sailor approaches her, "Excuse me but aren't you Salma Hayek?".

The royal personage Aztec vampiress bit the sailor on the jugular vein of his neck and drank all his blood and then threw his lifeless body to the ground, "No, I've just been told that I look like her."

As she looked down at the blood drained dead drunken sailor, she felt a queaziness in her stomach and said aloud to herself, "I should really stop eating junk food."

A policeman approached her, "Excuse me but I'm an Arizona state trooper on an exchange program with the NYPD and I demand to see some ID to prove to me you're not an illegal immigrant."

The Aztec vampire princess grabbed the policeman with her powerful arms and literally broke his neck.

"I'd love to see what you'd do to Glenn Beck if he was in the vicinity," a voice spoke to her out of the darkness.

"Christopher Dracul Van Helsing," Princess Qonzilqointec smiled a warm vampiric smile with her teeth and her incisors as she recognized the voice.

"Your Highness," the vampire hunter kissed her pale green gloved hand.

"I'm sorry about the death of your father," she hugged him.

"Thanks," Dracul hugged her back, "it's been hard."

"Being a vampiress, I don't think about such things," she looked into his eyes, "but there's always the possibility that a well-done stake could do me in."

"Or even a medium rare stake," Dracul answered.

"Indeed," the vampire princess laughed.

"So why have you asked to see me?" Dracul inquired.

"Well when I'm not busy planning a Marxist revolution with the likes of Venezuela's Hugo Chavez, the President of Ecuador, the President of Peru and the most likely future President of Brazil, the capitalist side of me likes to engage in investments," Qonzilqointec's red painted fingernails touched her jade necklace.

"Investments were never my field," Dracul answered, "I was a Philosophy major in my Undergrad years."

"But I seek advice about vampires," she said.

"A vampiress is asking me for advice about vampires," Dracul smiled.

"The thing is I've invested in a company that will make electric cars using a new long-lasting lithium battery," Qonzilqointec answered, "and I'm looking for a spokesman to do commercials for them. And I see in various tabloid newspapers throughout the world the vampire Set's chief of security Renfield R. Renfield is advertising that his boss would like to do TV commercials. I was wondering if you'd think Set would make a good spokesman for my product."

"Well I've never actually met the Vampire Set," Dracul confessed, "I've only run into a couple of his employees Renfield and also Amadeus Emanon. I believe you've met Set. What are your impressions?".

"He's one nasty individual," Qonzilqointec answered, "but I don't know if he could sell a car."

"Often it's nasty individuals who do sell cars," Dracul said, "along with mythical little old ladies from Pasadena who only drove the car once a week to church on Sundays."

Qonzilqointec smiled, "You're right, Dracul. And I understand you spent a year as an ad writer for an advertising agency. I want you to write the commercial."

To be continued.